2 Homos - Lesbian Podcast
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543 Cubed Steak
It might be worth it to go to a restaurant you're not terribly fond of to each cubed meats and vegetables if you were able to grill your wife's friend about her sex life when she was married to a Gay man. Hell, it might even be worth paying for the whole dinner. Suddenly, iceberg lettuce with strange orange salad dressing got a whole lot more interesting.
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542 Booters
If you want to take your baby to Hooters to celebrate Mother's Day just because they have $10 off Mom's meal when you bring your children...that's on you. It's probably safe to say that the church ladies in the mall parking lot with Grandma, the Mom and the 4 month old baby probably don't care that they can save $10 when the scantily clad girls in underwear and tank tops serve them sliders with blue cheese. You'll probably get what you deserve for that transgression anyway.
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541 Leave Connecticut Alone
It's important to be a good role model for our kids and to help our community. When someone needs a helping hand, it's an opportunity to set a good example by doing whatever you can to reach out and help. It's in that spirit that we're gathering friends and family together to help us send 100 cases of Clorox Urine Cleaner to Connecticut to help clean up the hundreds of jugs of urine that the State doesn't know what to do with.
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540 Football Pot Pie
There's nothing like some comfort food to make you feel all warm and happy inside. Fresh out of the oven chocolate cookies, a steaming plate of homemade macaroni and cheese or a piping hot chicken pot pie. It seems almost impossible to screw that up, unless you decided to use the generic, dented can of vegetables with botulism oozing out, topped it off with a cup of black pepper, and then served it all wrapped up in a frozen Pillsbury croissant the size of a football. Delicious.
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539 Bring a Flashlight
Everyone has price. So what if you have to walk around on a disabled cruise ship for a week with feces up to your ankles and no chance of getting soft-serve ice cream 'round the clock for the entire week. Throw in a good, heavy period with no tampons or pads, so that you have to walk around wearing a red bag like a diaper all week. Give me two or three free cruises plus $500 and we'll call it even. But...I am going to need a balcony upgrade.
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538 It's Official
When living without sleep becomes a way of life you get used to. When you can get up 5 times in the middle of the night and learn how to go right back to sleep. When you can run the gauntlet of children's toys in the middle of the living room without twisting an ankle. And, when you can start to imagine your wife as the hot au pair sleeping next to you in the bed at night...that's when you realize it's official. The tiny little baby you brought home 7 months ago is now officially your...
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537 Super Wife
A Super Wife is not your ordinary wife. This is one that still takes you out for a romantic Valentine's Day affair, even after 14 years. She's the one that takes you to that special restaurant at the strip mall where you play a sexy game of "spot the Dyke"...just like when you first met. Next time, Ladies, don't make it so easy by putting a "Yes I Am" license plate frame on your car.
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536 Odd Year
Four more states that now allow Gay marriage, the first out Lesbian Senator, a President of the United States acknowledges Gay history for the very first time, and we have two challenges headed to the Supreme Court regarding DOMA and Gay marriage. A couple of months in, and 2013 is already a great year. Of course, Ethan won't be happy until his moms can be legally married in every state in the US...and he is going to let everyone know that he is not happy until that happens.
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535 Pencil Lips
Groupon is great for a lot of things. You can get great discounts on a dinner for two, a relaxing massage or a fishing trip with friends. What you never want to buy on Groupon is the offer to buy one plastic surgery and get one free...unless you want to have two soup bowls implanted in your butt cheeks. Sexy.
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534 The In Crowd
If you walked up to a straight woman with a baby before you had a baby of your own, you would just be seen as a creepy Dyke trying to hit on a straight woman. Once you have a baby of your own, however, all the tables turn. Now you're a thoughtful mother who is interested in swapping baby secrets with someone else from the in-crowd...even if you spend the entire time staring at her cleavage.
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533 More Reasons
These days it's just too dangerous to play the lottery and win. Friends and family drain your bank account, a new girlfriend moves in and suddenly you end up missing, or they find your dead body in a lake a few days after you collect your big check. It's much easier to get ripped off and lose all your money the old fashioned way. Let the tweaker move in, let her slowly drain all your bank accounts and max out your credit cards until you don't have anything left. Once she's done she simply...
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532 Joiners
The best way to further the acceptance of Gay people in society is simply to be yourself and show people that you're a regular human being just like they are. The more people that know Gay people, the more people will realize being Gay is perfectly normal. Or, you can use the Roxanne method - next time you're in a group of straight people, make sure you put up your guard, decide that they are nasty, uptight human beings before you know anything about them, and then imitate their voice and...
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531 Whatevs
Any good parent wants to make sure that their kid has a positive childhood filled with lots of interesting experiences that they'll remember for the rest of their life. You want to enrich them with educational outings and fun-filled family trips. As you're thinking about where you might go and what you might do with your child, for most parents that might not include a visit to a Hookah bar or teaching them how to light things on fire so that you have a 20-foot bonfire.
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530 Elmo
Straight people have ruined Sesame Street for everyone. Our son's best friend used to be Elmo, but now we have to find him another favorite toy because Elmo turned out to be a pedophile. Cookie Monster promotes childhood obesity, so that's out. Oscar the Grouch is rude and promotes bad manners. Big Bird may actually be the saving grace of Sesame Street, however. If Mit Romney hates Big Bird, then BB is my friend!
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529 Topless Maid Service
Somehow the quality of the cleaning job no longer seems to matter once the topless maid service comes over to do a cleaning. You no longer care about the fact that the cobwebs are still hanging from the ceiling, the toilet doesn't look like it's been cleaned in months and the kitchen floor looks like it's been scrubbed with a napkin. Then you realize that they sent over the topless grandma with her pancake tits down to her knees. Now you'll pay extra just so that she doesn't clean topless.
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528 Two Tits Up
Gone are the days when you'd meet someone at a bar, have a few beers and take them home. Now the dating world mostly happens online through dating web sites. That seems like a good way to meet someone until you realize that they're missing a very important check box for the Lesbian profile -- "will U-Haul on the second date". Check.
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527 Retro Bush
It's important for businesses to market their products directly to the target audience to help increase sales and to become profitable. Take the Wet Lube company for example, they donate free trash cans at Pride events all over the country and also hand out free samples. Now that we have Viagra, however, Wet may be missing a key market segment. It's time to start putting the Wet trash cans at senior retirement communities all over the country now that old people are having sex again. Wear a...
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526 Twelve Cycles Minimum
Congratulations to all the states that have now legalized Gay Marriage. As you bask in the euphoria of this incredible decision it's imperative that we reiterate our warning to all the young Gay couples...especially the overzealous Lesbians. Just because you are allowed to marry, doesn't mean you have to. I know you met her last week and she's the love of your life. Before you say "I do", make sure you've lived through a minimum of twelve menstrual cycles with her...and that's only before...
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525 The Halloween That Almost Wasn't
Halloween is the best holiday ever. On what other day can you walk an attractive cop into your house, wearing a smokin' hot, sexy uniform with a super-short skirt, in front of your wife and into your office, where you have a pull-out futon matress...and nobody even thinks twice about it?
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524 Global Warming
The truth is finally out about global warming. After all the talk about what's causing global warming, we realize it's not really about car emissions, cutting down the rain forest, or the fact that you refuse to recycle your plastic bottles. The real cause of global warming is all the lazy new Lesbian moms and Gay dads stuffing disposable diapers into landfills all across the country because they don't feel like cleaning out dozens of cloth diapers filled with smelly feces and urine every...
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523 Support Hoes
Now that the Lesbians have adopted the cute baby that you don't have to lie about and say, "what soft skin your baby has", or "he has such a pretty eye"...the straight couples are now going to have to choose from the ugly babies that are left. The good news is that the baby with the beer belly and the buck teeth is still available for adoption.
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522 Conjoined
So many questions, so little time. But, if there was just one question that absolutely had to be answered, it's this one. If one of the conjoined twins is straight and the other one is Gay, who gets to use the genitals when they're out on a double date? This is not about being politically correct. These are real problems that real people have.
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521 New Addition
We have a new addition to the pack. It's not a gerbil, it's not a puppy, it's not a cat and it's not a baby chimpanzee. The new pack member comes with lots of cool new things to buy, magazines to subscribe to and endless fun for the relatives that can simply walk away when dirty diapers need changing. We may not be sleeping, but we couldn't be happier.
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520 Back Wax
All straight men should be required to get a back wax at least once in their life. It's not because they need it and it's not necessarily because back hair is gross. It's more for the amusement of Lesbians and their friends. We're just freaky that way...and we like to watch.
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519 Zombie Beach Party
Which Lesbian has street smarts? When the zombie dripping with blood comes up to your tent on the beach and tries to get in to eat your brains, is it the Lesbian that tells the zombie to beat it and then goes rights back to sleep? Or, is it the Lesbian that decides she has a 50-50 chance if she jumps out of the tent, runs down the beach and leaves her friend to fend for herself? After all, the zombie can only eat one person at a time.
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518 Gayborhood Watch
Neighborhood watch doesn't mean that you get together with a few neighbors for a few beers every night and check out all the cute girls and guys in the neighborhood. It also doesn't mean that you stay in the house and peek through the blinds when you hear something strange going on outside. What it does mean is that once trouble starts, you go get the Postal Service Lesbian down the street that can hold her little dog in one hand and kick the crap out of any perp that comes into the...
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517 Five Fifteen
It's hard to believe how far technology has advanced, especially in the last few years. Despite all that forward movement, there is still one thing you can count on to stay exactly the same. If you need to mail something at the post office, you may as well hop in your car and drive across town to deliver it yourself. If the package has to go across the country, you may as well just hop on a plane and take it with you. The cost of the parking ticket, the time you'll spend waiting in line,...
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516 Smile
Roxanne is going straight to hell. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. Virginia is going with her as an accomplice. There really isn't anything more to say. At least we now know that hell is located in Van Nuys, California. They might have a cafeteria, or they might have a buffet. Nobody is really sure.
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515 Brazil Wins
We may still be pissed that Womens' Softball is no longer part of the Olympics and that some American dykes were forced to wear a skirt in the Opening Ceremonies, but at least most countries kept to the tradition of wearing skimpy bikinis for Beach Volleyball. Having Brazil host the next summer Olympics is not too bad either. Start stocking up on the razors and Nair now.
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512 Hot Coals
Your mother brought you up to have good common sense. No matter how much fun someone tells you it will be, and how much it will change your life, you would never walk across burning hot coals in just your bare feet. Of course not. You would, however, do a bungee jump dangling from a rickety crane in a parking lot in Mexico after a few shots of tequila.
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511 Hetero Mating Rituals
There should be a general moratorium on when during the year people are allowed to move. During the winter when it's icy and snowing, or when it's the rainy season and wet all the time, those periods of time are off limits for moving. This is simply a public service for all the people that have to come out in inclement weather to help you move...with their high hopes of being able to "stick it in" one day by being a good friend helping you move.
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510 Second Best
You should always strive to your best in everything you do. It's important to give it your all and really put your heart into it to be the best you can be. Once you've blown your wad and put forth your very best effort, even if you didn't come in first you can still feel good about it...until someone tells you that you're second best...out of two.
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509 Grocery Store Grenade
It's not a neuroses, it's a strategy. When you go to the grocery store you have to know how to size up the different checkout lines. You have to be a able to quickly decide which line will move the fastest, which one has the cashier with the most nimble hands, who knows the code for Belgian Endive without looking it up, and which line has the grenade that will pull out 100 coupons and pay in pennies. It may look neurotic to the uneducated... when really it's a finely honed skill that takes...
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508 Not Right
New trends tend to spring up overnight. Most people are fickle, and they don't stick with any one thing for too long before they start looking for something new and exciting. The one trend you don't want to hear about, however, is that people are starting to eat other people. Can't we just go back to simpler times when the latest trends were hoola-hoops, Squirmles and French Star jeans?
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507 Koka Kola
If you really want to fight obesity in America, and you're really serious about it, the answer is not to force stores to sell carbonated drinks under 16 ounces in size. The answer is first to shut down all the McDonald's in America, secondly to stop the Little Caesar's two for one pizza deal, and the third is to replace all the Coke and Pepsi on store shelves with look-alike cola that tastes like crap. That will cause all American's to stop drinking soda altogether. It's not a...
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506 Violation
The Glendale police department are out wasting their time giving tickets to cyclists who are just out enjoying a peaceful bike ride while blowing through stop signs. What they should really be doing is something that will keep the streets safe for everyone. How about giving out moving violations to cyclists that really shouldn't be wearing spandex at all. $350 for the spandex muffin top. $500 for wearing the white spandex shorts.
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505 Saint Roxanne
Some friends are just your party friends, others are your movie and dinner girlfriends, and still others are just your regular hanging out type of friends. Then there are those friends that you can really count on. Not just the ones that will be there if you need a shoulder to cry on, but instead the type of friends that will not only wipe your vagina, but those that will change a tampon for you. Not just any tampon...but an honest to goodness O.B. without the applicator.
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504 Whodunnit
Just because the neighbor pretends to be a straight lady living quietly with her husband next door, doesn't mean she doesn't secretly fantasize about going down on your wife. Maybe she lays in bed at night creating elaborate fantasies about how she passive aggressively allows her dog to crap on your lawn so that you'll come out of the house all hot and bothered to yell at her. She'll try to make it up to you by inviting you over to her house for a massage and some girl talk...all before she...
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503 Glory Hole
It's great to be a guy. Whenever you need a little pleasure you can just go to the local public restroom, find a glory hole and stick it right in. Never mind that you don't know who is on the other end, if they have tongue herpes, no teeth, a sharp object or other incurable diseases. You always run the risk of leaving without a body part, but at the end of the day...it's all worth it.
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502 Mouth to Snout
These days there are so many ways to pick up women. You can browse the personal ads, go on match.com or even do it the old fashioned way by picking up some drunk chick at a bar. Why would you even think about tossing some chicken bones down on the ground in front of some lady walking her dog just so you can save her dog and be her hero by giving her dog mouth to snout resuscitation? It just seems like so much more work than is really necessary.
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501 Triple Bypass
Welcome to America, where fat is now the new thin. We'll take our burgers with a triple stack of meat, ten slices of cheese and fourteen pieces of bacon. If it doesn't have saturated fat pouring out of every crevice, why would we eat it? We don't care if every meal we go out to eat has enough calories to live off for the next two weeks...as long as a hot girl comes out in really tiny shorts and big boobs to serve it to us.
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500 Historic Moments
For the first time in history an American president comes out in support of Gay marriage publicly. More proof that the Aztecs might have been right after all...the world might really just end on December 21st of 2012. Only one thing to do now...party like it's 1999. Game on.
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499 Friendlier Skies
Unfortunately for many actresses, the retirement age for porn stars tends to be very young. The good news is that the airline industry is happy to do their part in giving these talented young ladies a chance for another career. To find out if your flight attendant is a video porn star or just a telephone sex operator, all you need to do is to look at her boobs. If her boobs are big - TV...if they're small - phone sex operator.
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498 Double D
There are really only two ways that a tampon can end up on the sidewalk. One is that some dirty pig decided she needed to change her tampon right now and she did it in her car and flung it out the window. The other is that the Gay men that just moved into the neighborhood wanted to sabotage the "dirty dykes" that live next door so that they would have to move away in shame. Then they would be able to have their Gay male friends move into the neighborhood instead of the Dykes.
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497 Tanorexic
It's been a long time since Crayola packed a Burnt Umber crayon inside one of their boxes. In fact, it's been so long that some people have gotten quite nostalgic about this beautiful shade of crayon and have decided to do something about it personally. One thoughtful New Jersey mom decided to take herself beyond a nice pleasing bronze color and go all the way to burnt umber without passing "go". She liked it so much that she also decided to take her red-headed 5-year old daughter with her....
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496 Stoned
On a scale of painful things, first there are menstrual cramps. Cramps can cause a great deal of discomfort all the way to outright screaming pain. Then there's childbirth. Natural childbirth can really hurt....a lot. Then there's the kind of pain that a scale hasn't been developed for yet. Childbirth through a penis really f*cking hurts.
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495 Coyote Ugly
Heading up to the lake for a vacation can be a very rejuvenating experience. Lots of fresh air, beautiful wooded forests and the opportunity to become one with nature. That's all fine and well until you realize the woods are jam-packed with coyotes, bears and other vermin set to carry off your pets for lunch. Next time it might be more relaxing to just stay in the city with the muggers, the dope fiends and the crazed lunatics.
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494 Dogaphile
As it turns out...the extremist right-wing was correct after all. First we allow Gay marriage, which then lead to all other kinds of abhorrent and deviant behavior. Now the Lesbians are obsessed with dogs' buttholes. They follow dogs around and stare at their butts, they study how enlarged the sphincter is at any given time, and even how often the dog takes a crap. Clearly, they've taken this way too far and now the situation is completely out of control.
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493 Taking Our Sh#t Back
For the straight ladies...you can keep the baseball hats with the ponytail through the back, you can keep the comfy boxer shorts to kick around in and look sexy, and you can keep pretending to enjoy kissing Lesbians. For the straight men...you can keep the goatees, you can keep the Doc Marten's, and you can keep shaving your nutsack. When it comes to the rainbows, however...that's when we have to put our foot down. Just pick a freaking color. You can't have them all.
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492 Dessert Triathlon
Getting a piece of dessert really shouldn't be so hard to do. If you have to run a marathon, knock people over and hunt it down like prey in a forest, you really are burning too many calories just to eat a piece of cake. After all, dessert really should put on more pounds than you take off trying to enjoy it.
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491 Inner Gay Male
It used to be that we lived in a nice quiet neighborhood, but now I realize that we actually live in a barnyard. The hens in the neighborhood walk around all day cackling and gossiping about everyone else's business in the neighborhood. Then there's the Lesbian pigs that live in the corner house where all the grass is dead and they think that dog poop makes good fertilizer to leave all over the lawn. Moo.
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490 Coming to America
A message to Gill and Jane: I am extending a heartfelt apology for the evening you spent with Roxanne. I apologize for her unbridled vulgarity, her lack of compassion for other human beings, her outright sense of entitlement, and for embarrassing the United States of America and confirming every ugly American stereotype in existence. We sincerely hope that this doesn't affect the relationship between the United States and the wonderful and warm country of the UK.
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489 High Speed Pursuit
Sometimes you just have to do whatever it takes to to get something you really want. Once you've set you sights on the goal, you just have to go for it. It doesn't matter if you have to pretend to like Axe Body Spray, you have to give not one, but two men boners, and you have to speak four languages. It's all worth it if you achieve your dream in the end.
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488 Carpet Munchers
It's a well know fact that Lesbians have to change out the carpeting in their homes twice as frequently as Gay men. All that carpet munching really takes a toll on things. The only thing that's changed is that the Lesbians just don't buy their carpeting at Home Depot anymore. Time to sell your stock.
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487 Lez Be Honest
Lez by honest...our pets bring an enormous amount of joy and happiness to our lives every day. We wouldn't be the people we are today without them. They not only enrich our lives, but they also enrich our vocabulary. Tonight for dinner we're having a big bowl of Bordatella with a side of Rabies. For dessert it's two scoops of Parvo with a Giardia sauce drizzled on top.
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486 Sixty Seconds
Lesbian fishing attire: Baseball hat - check. Thermal base layer under your matching t-shirt - check. Hooded sweatshirt to layer on top - check. Sporty, wraparound sunglasses - check. Stylish waterproof boots - check. Faded pair of comfortable blue jeans - check. Fishing pole with a pink wrapped grip and a matching pink reel - nope. That belongs to the straight chick on the boat.
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485 Teacher Appreciation
Being a cougar is all fun and games until one day you wake up and realize that the 20 year difference between you and your partner is not so cute anymore now that you're 40. She definitely looked hot when you were 25 and she was 45. Now that you're 45 you finally wake up one day and are horrified to think....how did grandma all of a sudden get into bed with you?
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484 Sweating Lips
Nothing spells H.O.T. like a smooth, dreamy waterbed from the 1970's, especially if it has automatic heat controls. Then you think about your parents banging away in their new sleep numbers automatically adjustable bed...and suddenly...it just doesn't seem as hot and sexy anymore.
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483 Impulse Buy
It doesn't really matter if you did pick up the individually plastic wrapped roses at the local 7-11 and arranged them thoughtfully in a bouquet for your lady for Valentine's Day. Let her just believe that you could not stop thinking about how wonderful she is all day long and that you just wanted to sweep her off her feet and surprise her with the most magnificent bouquet of flowers ever. Why destroy the fantasy by admitting that you simply picked them up like a supermarket rag at the...
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482 Baby Smith
Next time you get one of those scam emails where you've won the lottery from some far off country you've never visited, or you have a long lost relative that left you millions of dollars in currency that you've never heard of before, think about doing the world a public service. Send an email back, without your bank account number of course, and keep them engaged in an endless series of correspondence until they simply give up. This way you can keep them busy and hopefully prevent one more...
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481 Numb and Numb-er
There's nothing wrong with having a little lasering done to clean up some straggler hairs that run down your leg and pop out when you're wearing that sexy bikini. Maybe you even want to clean up that treasure trail a bit before you hit the surf. Just make sure you use an experienced laser technician so that you don't have an industrial accident where the laser hits a lip by mistake. That could be a life-changing incident that happens in less than one second.
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480 Super Dyke Bowl
Countries are at war with each other, people are dying for no good reason, 50% of Americans are now obese, drug use is spiralling out of control, the worst recession this country has had since the Great Depression.... Doesn't God have enough to worry about without having to listen to you pray about making a touchdown? Just let God take a day off and enjoy the Super Bowl like everyone else.
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479 Miss Pissit
Stupid should hurt. Seriously. Perhaps then people would think twice about being morons. Or, maybe Tylenol stock would simply go through the roof as people all over America stockpile as many bottles as they can. Maybe you want to use that insider tip to become the world's next millionaire. Buy low...sell high.
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478 Meat Glue
Becoming a vegan used to seem like so much work. Every meal has to be planned out down to the last detail, you have to shop for groceries on a more regular basis, you have to find exotic recipes to keep meals interesting and you have to interrogate every restaurant server about each dish on the menu just to make sure you can eat it. Nobody wanted to invite you over for dinner because you were such a pain in the ass. Now that we know about meat glue and pink slime...vegan doesn't sound like...
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477 Grow House
The neighborhood watch is a beautiful thing. Everybody knows about everybody's business, who's beating their wife, where the Lesbians in the neighborhood live, and whose wife is out slutting around. When it comes to stopping real crimes in the neighborhood, however, everyone always knows all the details only after the fact. Once the grow house has run through their series of plantings, supplied all the local dealers multiple times and then moves out...that's when suddenly everyone knows all...
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476 Bieber Fever
Thanks to the advent of technology, driving in the car with children for hours on a long trip is a lost art. Gone are the days when the kids would sit in the back seat taunting each other incessantly, poking each other mercilessly and drooling on your sister as Dad threatened to pull the car over on the side of the road. Now the kids simply put on their headphones, turn on the iPod and watch a movie on the DVD player. Where did all the fun go? Slug Bug.
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475 Native Lesbo
You're eco-sensitive about almost everything in your life. You drink out of a reusable plastic bottle, you recycle everything you can and you even have a composting bin in the backyard. Why not take it one step further and just not wear any underwear. That way you can reduce the amount of laundry you have to do and conserve water at the same time. Lesbians will still find you just as sexy as if you were wearing only a thong.
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474 Knuckes Deep
Going to the gynecologist is a clinical experience. There is nothing sexual about it in any way. Just because the doctor lubes you up, hunts around obsessively for your G-spot and leaves you all wet and messy on the table by yourself after they're done. Of course, that doesn't mean that you and your lady can't play "gynecologist" in the privacy of your own home. Especially if she's the Dildo Whisperer.
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473 Nailed It
Monogamy is not a bad thing...unless you're having a long-term monogamous relationship with yourself. We're not just talking about a personal time-out, that you're just in between relationships, or even if you're waiting for the right time. It's when you're approaching 50 and have never had sex with anyone but yourself that it's time for a tall bottle of rum and $150. Don't forget the tip.
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472 Disingenuous
Sooner or later everyone steps in it. Try as we might to maintain our composure in every situation and to always do the right thing, it's going to be unavoidable at some point. May as well get that apology together right now so that you can sound sincere when you really need it. Take a moment now to record your apology in advance, loop it so that it plays over and over again, and then pull it out when you really need to make an apology and you just don't think you can sound sincere. You'll...
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471 Mycology
Some people eat mushrooms, some people study mushrooms, some people grow mushrooms, and others simply manage by the mushroom principle -- keep 'em in the dark and feed 'em crap.
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470 Shoplifting 101
Families that shoplift together stay together, even if it's only staying in jail together. So, next time you're out shoplifting, grab the baby, pick up grandma from the home and get all your cousins to join you. Make sure you start in the meat aisle, grab the most expensive cuts of meat you can find, and stick it all in the baby's diapers. Don't forget to pick up a bottle of Cristal on your way out the door. Happy Holidays.
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469 Bleed to Win
The average woman has a period 520 times in her lifetime. That assumes 13 cycles per year at 28 days per cycle, and bleeding from ages 12 to 52. If the average woman uses 25 tampons per cycle, that works out to about $8 per cycle, for a total cost of $4,200. Add in the cost of panties that had to be tossed out because of an accident or two for another $1,000. Plus, another $1,200 for Midol. Now we have something practical to rally around in the upcoming election season - a tax break for...
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468 Responsible Dog Owners
Being a responsible dog owner is a big commitment. You have to make sure you feed your pets every day, give them fresh water to drink and a nice cozy place to sleep. You have to keep up on shots and regular vet visits and give your pet plenty of exercise for a nice, fulfilling life. Most importantly, if someone else's dog takes a crap on your front lawn, you have to pick it up and fling it into their yard to help teach them how to become a responsible pet owner, too.
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467 Food Adventures
Moving beyond hot dogs and french fries can be a scary thing. It takes a big person to get out of their food comfort zone and to try new things. Once you do, however, you realize that the world has a lot of interesting and new foods to offer. You'll also come to realize that there really is a reason people call Lesbian sex, "bumping clams".The first time you open up a steamed clam...you finally understand that it does look kind of like a vagina.
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466 Lip Room
There are few things more disturbing than thinking about sweaty balls...except perhaps thinking about having sweaty lips. Now that the holidays are upon us, do a friend a solid and find some Clean Balls or Lip Clean. Wrap it up into a sexy little package and make it your special secret gift between you and the one you love this holiday season. The world will be a better place.
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465 Black Friday
It's that wonderful time of the year! Time to go shopping with all the crowds at your favorite stores to pick up a butt load of gifts for everyone on your list. Pack up your kids, the taser, the pepper spray, and maybe a knife just for good measure. Head over to Wal-Mart so that you're there as soon as the doors open at midnight. Then just unload a huge cloud of pepper spray across the crowd blocking your way, pick up that X-Box and head to the cash register. After all that hard work, you...
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464 Feels Like the First Time
Your first time with a boy or a girl should be a special moment and it shouldn't be something you rush into or take for granted. You'll want to wait until you're in love and the moment is right for both of you. You'll know when the moment is right, even if the "moment" lasts only 15 seconds...or it feels like having a watermelon between your legs. Don't worry...it gets better.
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463 Caveman Cooking
In this modern day and age it's almost unbelievable to imagine that people could have actually cooked a meal before the advent of microwave ovens. It's hard to even fathom that people used to really cook on a stove and wait patiently for water to boil. It's a good thing there are still drive thru's or else we'd all die of starvation.
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462 My Name is Ho
It's important for every Lesbian to have a set of basic standards for dating women. The standards don't have to be high, they just have to meet some minimum basic requirements. She can be a "three" in the looks department as long as she can rock your socks off in between the sheets. But, if she has the personality of a naked mole rat and she stinks like Limburger in bed, it really doesn't matter if she has the only piece of software you need in the universe to finish your term paper. The Ho...
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461 Locker Room Girls
The locker room doesn't have to be a place of fear and trepidation about taking your clothes off around other girls. It doesn't have to be a place that smells like sweaty socks and dirty underwear. And, it certainly doesn't have to be the place of Roxanne's depraved fantasies about hot steamy sex. See what it's all about by visiting the Locker Room Girls at lockerroomgirls.blogspot.com.
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460 Token Lesbians
It's not just straight people that have lingering questions they want to ask Lesbians. Gay men are also sometimes curious about the things Lesbians say and do. At least they know enough to call the Lesbians on moving day. That way they know they'll have a truck and some big strong Dykes to help move all that heavy antique and designer furniture.
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459 Dog Jerk
Masturbation is a natural thing to do. Most people find it to be a pleasurable activity on their own or even with a partner. Sometimes you just want to rub one out to relieve a little stress or to fall asleep. It's even possible that your dog likes to rub one out once in a while. There's no reason to be disturbed if you see the dog rubbing one out. Just tell Rover to get off the couch when he does it, because nobody likes to sit in the wet spot.
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458 The Big D
When most Lesbians think of the "Big D" they start thinking about the Big Dyke that lives next door. What they should really be thinking about are the 10 signs that they might be headed for a breakup or divorce. One of the most telling signs for Lesbians that a relationship is on the rocks is when your partner suddenly starts wearing matching bras and panties. We're not talking about the six pairs of white ones you picked up for her at K-Mart on sale last week either.
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457 Power Walk
E-bay is the panacea for buying anything at all you can think of. It doesn't matter what it is...new or used...shipped from anywhere in the world, you can find it on E-bay. Next time you take the dogs on a walk at 5am and one of them gets hit by a reckless driver in the dark and the fog, you can find the murder chalk you need to draw an outline of the dead body on E-bay. Just search for it.
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456 Wheel of Homos
Vegas Baby! Classless white people over-eating at buffets and chain smoking cigarettes while they dump quarters into slot machines. It's hard to believe that anyone would want to go...until you visit the pool at the Hard Rock and have to be taken away by ambulance from cardiac arrest due to all the hot chicks in bikinis at the pool. It's possible that I could be one of those white people...
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455 Spooky Times
Things can hardly be any spookier between Mitt Romney, Sarah Palin, Michelle Bachmann and the Tea Baggers until you realize it's almost Halloween. Of course, that's a good kind of scary. The kind where all you have a to be scared about is the creepy Lesbians that live on the corner, deck out their house for Halloween and give away full-sized candy bars not only to the kids, but their cute moms as well.
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454 Buds and Boxes
It's important for everyone on this planet to do their part to protect the environment. Stop drinking water out of plastic bottles and instead drink it out of paper boxes that require trees to be cut down. Put it in a container that's so large that you need to use a glass that then requires hot water that uses fossil fuels to heat up and then detergent that contains phosphates that leak in to our water supply. Let's get serious and do your part, people.
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453 Gay Day
It's not always so common to see older Gay people out and about, especially in the Lesbian community. That can be a bit confusing to the younger set because we keep wondering what happens to Gay people when they get older? Maybe they're all at some hip club, hanging out all night and meeting interesting new people. As long as the Lesbian dress code continues to include t-shirts, blue jeans and sneakers...we're in.
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452 First Date
First dates are about getting to know another person. There's no commitment, no obligation and no life-changing decisions that need to be made. It's all about small talk, feeling each other out and figuring out if it's worth having a second date. If that first date turns into more than that, however, it's probably not a good idea to burst out laughing the first time you see his penis.
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451 One Less Hoarder
Spring cleaning is not just for Spring time anymore. When that urge to declutter comes over you just start bagging up your crap and clean out those closets. Then have yourself a big ol' yard sale and make a little extra cash at the same time. You'll have that satisfied feeling of accomplishment...until it dawns on you that you've just participated in enabling all the hoarders in your neighborhood. Now they just moved all your trash over to their house.
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450 Jumpstart the Economy
With the country on the brink of a major depression, if everyone would just get out and blow their entire life savings on frivolous crap we would be able to turn the economy back around in no time. Times like this can be challenging and everyone might be feeling a bit of extra stress and tension, so why not take care of both problems at once? Go out and spend a ton of cash on a buttload of sex toys, porn and lube. That way you can release a little stress while helping the economy all at the...
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449 Mountain Straight Lady
The Lesbian equivalent of "man cave": the largest room in the house complete with a pool table, a foosball table, skee-ball, a basketball hoop, a 72" wide screen TV for watching football, a beer cooler, 3 neon beer signs and pinup posters of naked women. Nothing could be more perfect...unless the Lesbian Cave came complete with a beer delivery three times a week.
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448 Cuckoo
There's a reason why wedding seating arrangements are so important, and it's not about putting interesting, fun people together. It's more about separating people that can't stand to be around each other or people that will cause drama when they are together. You have to be sure to separate the groom's former ex, who is also his aunt's ex together at the same table with the ex's current husband and her girlfriend on the side. It gets complicated.
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447 Dyke-A-Palooza
We have even more proof not only that people in LA don't cook at all, but also that Lesbians will actually come out of the house and travel for miles to go out for a classy meal at the travelling food trucks. Next time the roving food trucks show up in your neighborhood, cancel your subscription to Match.com becauseyou'll be sure to find a date at the food truck Dyke-A-Palooza. Don't look for the Gay men...they'll be dining at a real restaurant.
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446 Betsy Ross
Before one can come out as a Lesbian, there are certain basic skills that every Lesbian needs to know. The proper identification and use of duct tape is one of those such skills. No self-respecting Lesbian can come out of the closet without knowing the difference between electrical tape and duct tape, and also how to properly apply it to nipples while marching in Gay Pride parades. Removing duct tape from nipples without tearing off an areola is a much more advanced skill.
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445 To Love and to Cherish
One of the wedding vows that most people completely skip over about is the one where the minister tells you that you've been entrusted with a vagina, to have and to hold, to love and to cherish, for all the days of your life. That means it's your responsibility to always make sure it's in good working condition, that it's not sagging and that nobody leaves a tampon up there and forgets to take it out. It's a lot of responsibility.
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444 Tivo Hostage
Clipping coupons can be a healthy way to trim your grocery bill and to save a little money during tough times. Nobody minds waiting a few extra minutes at the checkout stand while grandma goes through her purse to find the Jello coupon that saves her 10 cents on a 6-pack of lime flavor. It only becomes a problem when people start clipping coupons as if it's an extreme sport and then show up at your local grocery store with their coupon encyclopedia filled with 10,000 coupons for 75 cases of...
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443 West Nile Virus
If necessity is the mother of invention, then why hasn't someone invented a weapon that can kill mosquitos in the middle of the night as they buzz by your ears, bite you everywhere they can find an exposed piece of skin and keep you up to all hours of the morning annoying the crap out of you? I'm not asking for much. Maybe just a bedside flame thrower.
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442 Full Frontal Ass
We put a lot of trust into our doctors when we go in to have some sort of procedure done in the hospital. Once you're asleep on the table with a crowd of people around, wearing only a hospital gown with a slit all the way up your back, anything can happen. Before the anesthesia kicks in, check around for anything suspicious looking, such as anal lube, a six-pack of condoms or instructions about how to upload videos to YouPorn.
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441 Bad Ladies
Just because more states are starting to allow Gay marriage, it doesn't mean you should just rush right into things. There are more things to consider than just whether or not your new spouse will love you 'til death do us part. Now instead of just tossing your crap out on the front lawn, you have to worry about your new spouse getting mad and chopping off your jewels. Better start sleeping with a steel chastity belt...and make sure it's locked tight.
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440 Born This Way
It used to be that a slutty young gold digger could just give an old man a good roll in the hay, he would have a heart attack and die immediately after signing away his will to the new 20 year old he just stared banging. Now with Viagra, those old bastards can hang on forever. Now you really have to think about whether or not it's worth it to marry Hugh Hefner just to be come the heir to the Playboy fortune.
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439 Dead to Me
What's not to like? You get three square (but very salty) meals a day, an enema every other day and someone to sponge bathe your genitals every couple of days. So what if people keep you up with their howling and screaming all night long, the lady next door comes in to your room to tell your visitors that you've been dead for two years or that the cleaning lady withholds toilet paper when you have to take a crap? You're living it up at the lovely Country Villa Convalescent Hospital.
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438 Underpants for Japan
Apparently there is a market for previously worn underwear that gets sold out of vending machines. Some people find it erotic and sexy. Some people also find Lesbians to be be hot and sexy. Therefore, previously worn Lesbian underwear must be sexy. Now you have a way to get rid of your old granny underpants with period stains and other discolorations while making some extra cash at the same time. It also saves you a trip to the Goodwill.
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437 Lesbian Dominoes
As Lesbians, we don't always have time to look up all our Lesbian culture questions on the Internet. We need those answers now. For example, if you're a vegan and you meet the woman of your dreams at a bar late one night, how will you know whether or not it's ok for you to go down on her? After all, humans are meat, right? We're going to need someone to create an app for this.
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436 Sweating Bullets
There's a reason why people in LA always travel by car everywhere they go and won't even walk to the convenience store on the corner. The car forms a protective barrier to keep you safe from the homeless people and other nuts walking around in Ugg boots in the middle of summer. It's not that being homeless is a problem, it's just that someone must be absolutely out of their mind if they're still wearing Ugg boots years after Paris Hilton gave them up.
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435 Sporty Straight Chick
Lesbians get a bad rap. Everyone thinks it's always the Lesbians that are out recruiting unknowing straight girls to join the ranks of Sisterhood. Finally, the truth can be told. After years of trepidation and doubt, it's finally come out that in reality it's the drunk straight girls that are out recruiting new Lesbians. At least that explains where all the toasters went.
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434 I Heart NY
Congratulations to NY for legalizing Gay marriage! As a public service to help Lesbians across the Empire State, U-Hauls across New York will be shutting down for the next three months. They like to call it a "cooling down" period, but we like to call it insurance for making sure the vagina you touched for the first time last night doesn't become your new wife by next week.
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433 Working Woman Hotel
Roaches all over the floor, thick black hair in the bathtub, a half inch of dirt in the sink and bedbug stains on the mattress. Despite the fact that most people gave the hotel a thumbs down and would not stay there, still there are at least 21% of people that gave it a thumbs up. Those are the 21% of people I never want to meet in my life.
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432 Chiweenie
It's important for us as Lesbians to make sure that we always uphold the stereotypes people hold about Lesbians. You can do your part by making sure you sport a mullet at least once in your life, buy flannel shirts in three different colors and always be sure to wear comfortable shoes. Whenever possible, hold your wife's hand in public and give her a kiss on the lips in front of a crowd. Why do we need to do this you ask? Because it scares the crap out of straight people.
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431 Hard C
What most people fail to realize is that swearing can be a serious addiction. Most addicts are helpless to stop and need some type of intervention to help them break the cycle. You'll know you've hit rock bottom when you realize that you can't get through a complete sentence without swearing at least once, and when the first word that comes out of your baby's mouth is, motherfucker.
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430 Rapture
It's finally become clear that the real reason most religions recruit is because getting into heaven is a pyramid scheme. The more people you bring in, the better your chances of getting into heaven during the Rapture. Too bad you can't just get points every time you swipe your credit card.
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429 Rectal Thermometer
Motherhood sounds all nice and sweet like Winnie The Pooh and lollipops, until you realize that the best way to take a baby's temperature accurately is by using a rectal thermometer. It's bad enough to have your wife staring at you with the phone in her hand ready to dial 911, until you realize that the thermometer you're holding is actually the oral thermometer that you should have been using to take your own temperature earlier that same day.
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428 Lezaphone
Every Lesbian in the world is separated by only three exes or friends. You'll find proof at any event where Lesbians congregate. Tell just one person some interesting or exciting news and the Lesbian phone tree and cell phone networks will light up within 5 minutes to spread the news to everyone. The whole world will know that you're single again before your profile loads on Match.com.
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427 Da Girls
If one is good, then we'll take two. Two times the dirty diapers, two times the amount of food to buy, two times the pairs of shoes and two times the bill for college. Of course, It will only take one time to scare off the boys who try to date the twins before they've reached the age of 35.
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426 Lesbian Time
When people think of cloning they worry about all the horrible things that might happen. Nobody wants to eat meat from cloned animals and we certainly don't want to think about cloning humans. Unless...instead of all the Lesbian clones showing up with the same hairstyles and the same type of blazers with rolled up sleeves they've been wearing since the 80's, the clones were smoking hot replicas of the hottest women you've ever seen. Then everyone would be ok with cloning.
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425 Chewbacca
Owning a vagina is a big responsibility. You can't just place that kind of responsibility in anyone's hands and hope for the best. It's important to clean it regularly, to dry it out properly and to make sure no bacteria or mold grows on it. Most of all it's important to pick out a pretty color when you first get one, and to make sure that the carpeting matches the drapes.
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424 Dishpan Hands
Professionals in all walks of life take care of the tools they use to do their job. Top chefs keep their knives protected and razor sharp, artists make sure they're brushes are in top notch shape for their next masterpiece, and musicians strive to make sure their instruments are tuned up perfectly. It's pretty much the same for Lesbians. We keep our nails trimmed, our hands clean and we declare a national emergency that must be taken care of immediately if the dishwasher breaks and it means...
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423 Lesbian Finishing School
Somewhere in the world there must exist an institution where Lesbians can go to learn how to be a proper Lesbian. There will be woodworking classes, workshops to learn all about the different types of denim and flannel, and an extra credit course you can take to help you make your work boots match your outfits. The one class that is required by all attendees will be how to shake hands properly without crushing the crap out of everyone you meet.
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422 Scared Straight
Living with your new wife, having sex every night, your arms behind your back with handcuffs and swinging with other single ladies from time to time. It all sounds like it might be a lot of fun...until you realize you're in prison. Then, just when you think it can't get any worse, you get traded for a tampon to a pretty woman called Diabla.
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421 Dead Beat
After serving jury duty for just one day, you'll come to realize that the scariest words you'll ever have to hear are that you'll be judged by a "jury of your peers". It wasn't a courtroom full of Lesbians that showed up for jury service that day. Instead it was the man with his pants below his ass, the lady slumped over two seats out cold for the entire morning, the man with rampant melanomas on his bald head and the skinny queen with pants three sizes too small. Well, maybe him.
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420 Time Capsule
Some things just never need to be unearthed ever again. Instead of being dug up and flaunted out in public, they should simply be burned and tossed in the trash. That goes for the flannel shirt you wore every day of your life from the time you were 4 until you were 10, the boots you thought were so hot every time you wore them to the club, and the dildo that you used on your very first girlfriend until the label wore off completely.
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419 Up All Night
It's easy to tell the city mouse from the country mouse. The city mouse ignores all the loud noises and unknown sounds that go on at night and just continues sleeping. The country mouse has to get up out of bed, find out what's going on and attempt to save the world with a flashlight and a stepstool. One gets a good night sleep and the other goes from compassionate animal lover to the angry neighbor calling Animal Control when the neighbor's dog won't stop barking all night long.
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418 The Lezford Wives
They may be lurking in a neighborhood near yours and you don't even know it. It's the Lesbian counterpart to the Stepford Wives...the Lezford Wives. They drive their Gaybies to play dates in their understated, yet overpriced, family-safe Volvo. They're dressed neatly in perfectly pressed khaki pants and a delicately starched pink or baby blue polo shirt with a very comfortable pair of designer shoes with low heels. Of course there will still be football on the TV on Sundays and a cold...
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417 Lollipop
As a parent you have a responsibility to talk to your children directly about the important things in life. That means telling it exactly as it is and not beating around the bush. This includes sex, masturbation, breasts and periods. There is no more horrifying a surprise for a 12-year old girl than to all of a sudden see blood shooting out of her vagina and coming to realize for the first time that this is going to happen every month of her life for the next 40 years.
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416 Dirty Little Hamsters
A lovely three bedroom house or a multi-compartment Habitrail with lots of spinning wheels and tunnels. Whatever you call it, the dirty little hamsters inside work hard day and night to mess it up. Sometimes you just need someone to come inside to clean up all the sawdust and crap. Hopefully, they'll leave a nice bowl of fresh water, some dry newspaper and some carrots.
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415 PhD in Lesbian
We typically think of doctors as these super-smart intellectuals who have spent countless years in school studying science, math and all kind of subjects that we can only imagine. Apparently, the one subject they don't teachyou in medical school is how Lesbians have sex. You would think with all that college education they would have spent at least one semester living in the dormitory.
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414 Flaming Ear Candles
No need to go through all the trouble and expense of seeing a doctor when you can perform simple medical procedures at home all by yourself. If your ears get clogged simply run down to the Lesbian Hippie drugstore and pick up some ear candles. Torch them on the kitchen stove until the flames are at least 6 inches high and then run through the house, lay down on the couch and stuff it in your ear. Wait for your hair, the sofa and the rest of the house to catch fire.
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413 Love Addicts
There's a reason why some self-help and support groups that help people with alcohol and drug addiction try to stay anonymous. Not everyone wants the world to know about their private business and all their dirty laundry. The last thing they want is to have some lecherous Lesbian showing up at a love and sex addicts meeting gawking and winking at the hot girls while handing out condoms to all the men.
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412 Spring Break
Almost every little girl has gotten a training bra at one time in their life. Still the question remains...what on earth is a training bra helping you to train? If you don't have a any tits there's no reason to be wearing a bra in the first place. Once you get tits, it's really not that challenging to put on a bra after the first time you snap it in place. The only bra training that really might useful is for Lesbians to get some lessons on how to a quickly unsnap a lady's bra using only one...
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411 DWI - Driving While Irate
Southern California has two seasons, bone dry and flooding rain. During the dry season you can go out of the house any time of the day or night and never have to worry about checking the weather at all. When it rains, however, the National Weather service should not only issue an emergency alert that all of a sudden nobody remembers how to drive, but also to be aware that it's wash day for the homeless river lady. When wash day comes, everything gets washed...even if she's wearing it already.
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410 Flat D
The average human passes gas at least 14 times every single day. Gas is a just a natural part of the digestion process and everyone does it. Still...you can rest assured that stinkiest toot you'll do each day will occur at the most inappropriate time possible. If it's not in the middle of the meeting with your boss, it will be right at the moment the new girl you just met goes down on you for the first (and possibly the last) time.
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409 Brazilian
Getting a Brazilian is not just about looking good in a bikini this summer. It's also a good way to help save money during the recession. With a Brazilian you'll need less toilet paper every time you go to the bathroom, which means you can not only buy less toilet paper overall, but you can also buy the single-ply as well. Just think about how many napkins a man with a mustache needs every time he eats...same concept.
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408 Orange Alert
Just a reminder...the country is on Orange Alert. We're going to stay on Orange Alert just to make sure that you continue to live in a constant state of low level fear paranoia and chronic agitation. If you see something suspicious, such as an abandoned backpack on the street, take immediate action. Call your friend that's a cop so that they can tell you exactly what to do next in that situation...call 911.
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407 Misty
Some people are naturally more sensitive than others. There are those that cry when they see a sad movie. Others are moved by a missing pet getting reunited with an owner. Still others tear up when an 80 year old grandmother comes out to explain how much she loves and appreciates her Gay son. Finally, there are the kind of people that feel the need to write negative comments on the Web because this show wasted 10 minutes of their life.
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406 Slut Club
College today is so different today from way back in the day. Now instead of having a Chess Club to join for a little extracurricular fun, you have the Slut Club. At least you'll get an education in things that you can use. Everyone needs to learn how to have multiple orgasms, G-spot orgasms and how to do a little B and D the right way. You may as well get something useful out of that college education your parents are spending good money on.
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405 Sacrifices
Everyone should know the joy of owning a toy box. Having a toy box as an adult, however, comes with the same exact responsibilities that you had a as a kid. When you're done playing with your toys you need to clean them up and put them away where they belong. Nobody likes to come home after a long day at work to see a lube-soaked dildo drying out on the kitchen counter.
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404 Traumatized by a Tit
Most people traveling by air these days will do anything to avoid extra charges for luggage, onboard food and anything else that might be considered civilized....even leg room. Instead we'll all pack and stuff our onboard bags so full that even if you had to buy a box of tampons the only way you could get them on the plane is to shove them all inside yourself at once.
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403 Full Frontal Nudity
It used to be that going to the theater was a family friendly activity that everyone in the family could enjoy together. You'd take in a show with lions happily singing that get shot by hunters so that the babies have to live as orphans, or a show where everyone is a junkie, lives in sqalor and dies of AIDS. Now when you go the show all you get is straight men's junk parading around on stage, someone's naked but pumping up and down screwing some girl, and the horrified looks of young...
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402 Carpet Fiber Myalgia
For some people it's important that the carpeting hides the nasty stains on the floor. For Lesbians it's important that the carpet matches the drapes. But for others, it's only important that your ass doesn't hurt every time you walk across the floor when you remember the screwing you got from the person that sold you the carpet in the first place.
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401 Unfriend
Facebook is a like a pretty girl you see on the street. She looks all clean and nice at first, but when you get her home you wind up with an itchy, scratchy disease a few days later. All of a sudden friends you no longer want to know start propagating on your page like venereal warts, your belly needs flattening, your teeth need whitening and you can get insurance for seniors at a really good price.
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400 How Did I Survive?
Selling your old junk on Craiglist may not really be as lucrative as it first seems. Once you take into account the extra insurance you have to take out on your wife that's meeting all the weirdos and then divide the rest of the money you make by the number of hours you have to spend talking to the stalker in you house and cooking him dinner, your hourly wage only comes out to about 50 cents an hour.
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399 Deep Fried Tampon
Some things you expect to be dirty. The subway toilet, a dog's ass, the sewer at the end of your block and the bottom of your shoes. The things you don't expect to be filthy are produce at the grocery store, ATM keypads and the waiter's hands at your favorite restaurant. What you really don't expect is to find a tampon in your bag of fries when go out to eat.
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398 Dodged a Bullet
Be careful what you offer to do for a friend just to be nice. There may come a day when you have to make good on that promise, and you might just run out of friends to offer up and throw under the bus in your place. The real test will be when it comes down to the last minute and it looks you may just have to go to the theater to see the live dancing show. At that point do you suck it up and go, or do you get a last minute case of the runs so bad that you can't even leave the house?
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397 Big Busted
There was a time when you could find a doctor to cure your various STD's on the down low without letting your wife or partner in on your little secret. Today we need computer technicians that can do the same thing. Every once in while you need to find someone that can carefully clean all the viruses and nasty infections off your computer without letting the new girl you're dating know anything about it. All gone.
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396 One Good Friend
We've said it before, but good advice always bears repeating. It doesn't matter if you have one vibrator or two. Everyone needs to have that one good friend that knows exactly what to do in case of an emergency. If something unexpected were to happen to you, they will simply race over to your house, collect up all your sex toys and secretly take them away to where they can't be found. Your mom will never even know they were there.
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395 Mad Skills
Listen up, straight people. Just because you figured out that Jodie Foster is a Lesbian does not mean you have Gaydar. Even if your best friend is Gay, this does not mean you gain Gaydar by osmosis. This is a special super power that only Gay People are endowed with. No, George Clooney is not Gay, either.
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394 Clorox Chicken
It's bad enough when Americans travel to other countries acting rudely and embarrassing every one of us living in this fine country. Now it's gotten so bad you can't even take Americans out of their own neighborhood before they start behaving badly. The best advice there is for Americans that want to leave their homes is simply to stay inside, sit on the couch and don't eat anything that doesn't taste like chicken.
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393 Proper Gentleman
Not everyone was brought up with good manners. Some people don't know that it's appropriate to tip the mail carrier and the gardener during the holidays. They don't know to hold a door open for a lady. And, they are absolutely clueless when it comes to dropping a twenty down on the table after the nice lady in airport security gives you a full body pat down.
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392 Bad Role Models
There are two important rules that should be followed when using tools. The first is to always use the right tool for the job. The second is to always wear safety glasses. You never know when a little piece of plastic from the store's theft control security tag will pop up and hit you in the eye.
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391 Agoraphobic
Taking a long trip to some place new always seems like a good idea at the time...until you start looking at the news. It's only then that you're confronted with the reality that other cities have bed bug infestations, serial killers and inhuman weather conditions. Perhaps it's best to simply stay at home for the holidays.
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390 Deep Tissue
Going for a massage is the same as having sex with your partner. It's important to have a good line of communication going throughout the entire experience where you talk to each other about what feels good and what's too much. In either case there's a possibility that you could wind up with a hand up your ass going for a deep tissue massage if you just lay there quietly like a dead fish not saying anything.
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389 Period
There are some things that guys will never ever have to worry about. They never have to think about wearing white pants in case they get their period early. They never have to worry about the weight of their suitcase going over the weight limit at the airport because they had to pack extra tampons and pads, and they never have to worry about the outline of a super-sized tampon getting rubbed into the back pocket of their jeans.
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388 Landmine
Landmines used to be the affectionate name to call piles of dog crap in the backyard that needed to be cleaned up before the gardeners showed up. Then came Jersey Shore, which taught us that landmines were simply ugly chicks to avoid in a bar. Now we're back to land mines really being a danger for the gardeners, except this time a gardener really did get blown up.
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387 Bras and Panties
The holidays are a time for joy and good tidings. It's the time of year to see your good friends, spread some holiday cheer and appreciate all that is good in your life. It's also the time of year to forge your wife's name on Christmas cards, to lie about what's in the packages you're sending through the mail at the Post Office, and the time of year that you hope the sexy UPS girl shows up at your door with boxes full of fun gifts for you.
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386 Bum a Smoke?
Telling people that it's unhealthy to smoke, showing them ads of smokers talking through a hole in their neck or putting scary warning labels on packs of cigarettes doesn't seem to make a discernible difference in anyone's willingness to light up on a regular basis. The only way to really get people to stop smoking is to raise the price to $50 per pack and to have a case of dynamite explode in their ass every time they light up.
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385 Scan Me
It's hard work keeping the country safe from evil. That's why we all have to step up and do our parts if we're going to succeed. If that means going through a full body scanner at the airport, showing up in a Speedo with a nut hanging out, or letting Roxanne's mom listen to this show...we just have to suck it up and do what we have to do.
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384 Twenty in Chains
Sometimes being a good partner simply means putting your own needs aside while you hold your partner's hand to help them through a scary or tough part of their life. It can be a gesture so simple as sitting calmly beside them talking about how hot Rhianna and Beyonce are while your partner is skidding down a treacherous snowy mountain about to careen off a cliff to her death. You can at least leave her with happy thoughts as she goes.
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383 Natasha TS
There's nothing wrong with looking in the local sex rag for some companionship and love for an evening. Just be sure to read the description carefully. When Sexy Natasha calls herself 36-24-36 and adds and extra 9" at the end...she may be bringing some extra parts that you were not expecting. At that point you can just roll up the newspaper and stuff it in your shoes and jacket to stay warm all by yourself instead.
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382 Behind Enemy Lines
Fifteen feet of fresh snow, freezing temperatures and gale force winds...dressed only in a short sleeved t-shirt, sneakers and a fleece. The unrelenting winter weather is no match for four Lesbians on vacation up in the mountains armed only with an economy rental car, a refrigerator full of beer and a snowblower from before World War II. We can win this even if we have to stay through Thanksgiving deep frying a turkey out in a blizzard.
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381 Bush is Back
It's true...bush is back. Even if you're not interested in growing a bush for yourself, there is still something you can do to help those in need. For all those ladies that lasered their bushes off back in the nineties and now can't grow a pube if they wanted to, you can grow your own pubic hair and donate it to Locks of Love for pubes. Feel good while helping others to feel good, too.
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380 True or False
It's time to get schooled. Here's your list of true or false questions: 1. All Lesbians drive trucks. 2. All Lesbians have short hair 3. All Lesbians are sporty. 4. All Lesbians are vegetarians. 5. Lesbians like to drive motorcycles. 6. All Lesbians sleep with each other. How are you doing so far? Remember...70% is considered passing.
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379 Never Fall in Love
Recent studies show that among eighteen to twenty-four year olds, 1 in 10 have had sex with partners of each sex. While young people are doubling their pleasure and increasing the number of sex partners they're having, they're also increasing their risk of STD's. The next time your friend brags about how many girls she has had sex with, ask her how many times she's had crabs. Maybe she also has stock in the company that makes RID.
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378 Thank You, Gay Men
Imagine a world where all the walls are tan and all the carpets are gray. Imagine a world where people actually think that plaid matches nicely with polka dots, especially when it's purple. And, imagine a world where all haircuts look like the Super Cuts special of the week. What you're imagining right now is a world without Gay men.
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377 Half a Load
If you're going to run for public office in America, you would think that a basic pre-requisite would be to have read the Constitution of the United States of America at least once. It's only a fundamental document that describes the role of government in the 50 states. If they did, they would know about a basic human right that all citizens are born with under the Constitution...the inalienable right to masturbate.
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376 Eight Seconds in Vegas
Eight seconds is all it takes to win a bull riding contest. Eight seconds is also how long it takes for you to notice the Tecate Girls at Fanzone, for you to pull out your camera to get ready to take the picture of your life, and then for your wife to walk in front of you so that you miss the shot entirely.
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375 Party Crashers
Some people might say it takes balls to just waltz right in and crash a party that you haven't been invited to. If it's a party you haven't been invited to and the party is at the White House and it's an inaugural dinner for the new president of the United States it takes a hell of a lot more than balls. For that it takes an Adam's apple.
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374 House Guest
Everyday life can be very stressful all by itself. Just getting through a day can wear you down and make you crazy. Load on top of that a visit from your crazy Dad that you're trying to avoid and you've got a full on nervous breakdown waiting to happen. At that point there's only one thing that's going to work...sex and a valium.
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373 Run Pee
Just because you're watching a long movie and you've had a large soda at the beginning of the show, does not mean the answer is to wear adult diapers to the theater so that you don't have to get up to pee in the middle. The answer is also not to run into the bathroom, hover over the toilet like a UFO and then run out as fast as you can leaving sprinkles all over the seat. Piss in a bottle like everyone else and just leave it in the movie theater for someone else to clean up.
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372 Showing Some Bone
Just because you're a Lesbian does not mean you a license to use tools. You may be a pro with the "tools" you use in the bedroom, but when you start to think that you can wield real tools outside of the house...that's when someone is going to get hurt. Don't even think about using power tools. That kind of work should be left to a licensed Lesbian professional.
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371 Klassy With a K
Nothing sucks worse than being a young Lesbian without your own set of wheels. You have to rely on your mom to drop you off at your girlfriend's house, only to have her pick you up a few hours later smelling like sex. All you can do is long for the days when you can take your girl out for a date in your own vehicle to a drive-in movie and a pizza in the back of your pick-up truck under the covers. How do you spell Klassy?
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370 Bushwacker
Now that Fall is here it's time to start thinking about staying in tune with all the new fashions of the season. It's not only important to look good, but you you want to be stylish at the same time. No more of those dated looks from the eighties for you, and that includes your bush. Styling your bush should be just as important as styling your hair. Although not everyone is going to see it, you still want it to look good when they do.
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369 A Parable
Parable - noun [par-uh-buhl]. A short allegorical story designed to illustrate or teach some truth, religous principle or moral lesson. If you're a Gay man deep in the closet and ashamed of yourself for being who you are...then please stop bashing other Gay people! Just cut it out!
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368 History Is So Gay
History may be as queer as a three dollar bill, but that doesn't mean you'll find much about Gay history in your school textbooks. Most people probably don't know a whole lot about their Gay predecessors at all, or even where to start looking. Out and About Tours is on a mission to change all that. Hop on board the bus and find out all the great history you've been missing out on.
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367 Wing Girl
Everyone needs someone they can count on when the going gets tough. You need someone that can provide the necessary air cover when you're trying to hit on that really cute guy that you've been staring at all night long at the club. Just be careful who you choose to be your Wing Girl, however. You don't want your creepy Lesbian friend hitting on the hot guy you've been checking out. In the end he might just wind up liking her better than you.
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366 Tastes Like Chicken
Americans are an adventurous lot. We like to go out and explore new areas, see new sights and try exciting activities we've never tried before. We'll try anything once and even twice if we like. New and interesting foods are no exception. In fact, the more exotic it is...the better. Just make sure it tastes like chicken, however, or else you can be certain that we're going to hate it. Other than that...bring it on.
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365 Workers Comp
Repetitive motion injuries can be incredibly debilitating and they can strike at any time with devastating impact to your everyday life. Instead of leaving things to chance, hire a personal trainer to get you in shape for those long sex sessions with your brand new partner before you start dating. Of course, if you do happen to throw out a hip or slip a disc having sex, you can just go into work the next day and blame it on your job.
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364 Tracking the Klondyke
Alaska is cold any time of the year, so the best thing you can do when you go up there to visit is to seek out a nice warm Klondyke to help you turn up the heat. Just beware of the faux Lesbians that show up with crew cuts and rat tails wearing overalls. They may just be straight women whose hairdresser thought that looked cute.
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363 On Tour
It's tough enough to come out to your parents, but when your parents are ok with you being Gay and you have a problem with it...then you're in serious trouble. Fortunately, for those parents working hard to accept their LGBTfamily member there's a place they can go to meet other parents dealing with those same issues. It's called PFLAG. Google it.
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362 Free Steven Slater
Next time you think about getting up out of your airline seat to check your luggage before the plane comes to a complete stop, you may want to reconsider. You never know when the gentle, smiling flight attendant will decide it's time to go out in a ball of flames after 28 years by calling you a nasty name over the PA system, grabbing a couple of beers and hurling himself out of the plane on the emergency slide.
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361 Party Favors
How surprised were you the first time you had sex with your wife when you found out she wasn't really a virgin after all? Now you can relive that special moment with your one and only with the replacement hymen operation. If that seems like too much trouble to go through, then you can simply order a hymen replacement kit online. Capsule of fake blood included with every order.
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360 Moose Knuckle
So rare is the partner that will take it upon herself to go back to the store she hates more than anyplace else on earth to return an item to get a replacement while you sit out in the parking lot rocking out to the car radio watching all the young hotties walk by with their tramp stamps and moose knuckles hanging out. Instead of bringing it up on a podcast, you might be better served to simply keep your mouth shut and just say "thank you".
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359 501(c)
There's nothing wrong with wanting to do a good deed by helping out animals without a home. You can visit your local shelter and adopt all kinds of needy pets. It only becomes a problem when you think you have only a few pets numbering around 150, but it really turns out that you have over 250 feral beasts running around your home crapping on the carpet.
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358 Goat Feet
One thing is the absolute truth. Lesbians like to be comfortable. That's why our favorite summer outfit consists of cargo shorts, a t-shirt and some nice comfortable Lesbian sandals. The only puzzling thing is why straight men enjoy wearing the exact same outfit. It's really hard to say who thought of it first and who is just copying the other.
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357 Priceless
Now that we're older we look at young Lesbians clandestinely holding hands at the theater trying to steal a sweet moment in a crowded area, hoping that their friends don't see that they're really having sex together every instant they can steal away. Instead of being supportive and respectful, all we can do is stare and forget that we did exactly the same things when we were younger...and thought nobody was watching.
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356 From H8 to GR8
It was an amazing day in Gay history as the proposition to ban Gay marriage in California was deemed unconstitutional by a US chief district judge. Although that's great news, it doesn't mean that it's time to trade in your U-Haul for a wedding ceremony. Just because she touches you down there in a way you've never felt before...it doesn't mean you've just found your soulmate. Trust us...
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355 Out of the Box
It's been said that some of the most successful entrepreneurs started their businesses in times of a recession. All it takes is some out of the box thinking. If we can have Harry Potter jelly beans that sometimes taste like vomit, why can't we have a "scratch and sniff" vagina candy that most of the time tastes delicious, but then every once in a while you get the one that tastes like vaginosis? Why not?
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354 Five Skulls
Before you get into a new relationship, you may want to take a look at the new prospect's track record with breakups. It's not about how many breakups they've had, but more about how they behave during a breakup. You don't want to be the subject of the next Eminem song with all your blubbering voicemail messages crafted into the next hit song making it to the top of the charts on the radio.
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353 Medicated
There is absolutely no need to worry about the possibility of marijuana becoming legalized in the United States. Legalization has about as much chance of getting passed as Gay marriage in California. It's not because people aren't supportive. It's just that the people that would support the ballot initiative will forget to actually get out to vote on election day.
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352 Two Packs a Day
Quitting smoking can be very challenging, and different people have different approaches. Some people like to go it cold turkey and others try to taper off until they're down to just a few smokes a day before stopping altogether. When it's the three year-old smoking two packs a day, however, just buy him some Nicorette gum and call it a day.
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351 Alarmed
The next time you feel like someone needs to die because their car alarm starts going off incessantly all night long, you may want to consider the circumstances. If the real reason they can't get up to turn it off at that exact moment is that they're simply in bed with some hot chick getting laid, then maybe you can have a little more sympathy. After all, would you even want to get up to answer the phone?
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350 Uh Oh
The patient may be on the table, slit open with her guts hanging out...but that doesn't necessarily mean that it's over. We can rebuild her, make her better than before, stronger, faster... Wait a minute, we're not talking about the BionicWoman here. The computer is on the fritz and we're putting her back together. It's just that it would be so much easier if we could tell her to take a pill and call us in the morning.
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349 Hanging Chad
These days you just never really know where evil might be lurking, so you have to be vigilant at all times. Even if you've only stepped out to vote it's important not to let your guard down because the sweet little old lady that showed up to cast her vote that day may decide to fly her freak flag when she finds out that the number of voting booths for Democrats is larger than those for the Republicans. Call for backup.
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348 Bitcheater
Nicknames are all fun and games until someone gets them all mixed up and calls one girlfriend by the other one's name...all in front of the third one that the first one is having an affair with. If people would just stop naming their daughters who will eventually grow up to be Lesbians by the name of Sue...none of this would be a problem. Then we wouldn't need nicknames such as Finger, Moaner, Lips or Tweaker.
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347 Cinderella
It's good to have a Cinderella around the house. Not the kind that stays up partying until midnight, loses her shoe and then falls in love with some guy she just met. Instead you want the kind that stays home, cleans the house, scrubs the floor, does the dishes and takes care of all the chores. You want a Cinderella that can be your own personal bitch.
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346 Bargain Basement Baby
It's probably a good idea that Gay people are not allowed to get married and legally adopt in some states. Otherwise, they would be doing outrageous things such as selling their babies on Craig's List, putting their kids up for adoption on E-Bay or worst of all, they might even want to marry their pets. The worst part about it is...then they would be just like straight people.
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345 Going Downtown
Damn...you thought this show was going to be about something else! Seriously, if big cities would simply install poles that dispense plastic bags the same way they do at some dog parks, then when you're downtown and you have to take a crap...you can just grab a bag and pick it up yourself. Wouldn't that make everything a whole lot nicer?
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344 W.W.R.D.
Sometimes it's hard to know exactly what to do in a difficult situation. You're not sure what the right course of action migh be or how it will affect your future. You stress about it, turn it over and over in your mind and still you can't figure out what would be the right thing to do. So, you think about someone you admire and respect and what they would do in the same situation...and then you do the exact opposite.
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343 Country Gay
Every day is a new Gay. It seems that every time we listen to the news or open a newspaper we hear about a new celebrity coming out of the closet. Some are a complete surprise, some we're happy to have on our side, and others we wind up scratching our head thinking, "what took you so long?" Then there are those that don't even need to bother announcing themselves. Barry Manilow.
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342 Bush Mullet
The key to true happiness is in finding something that you not only enjoy, but something that you're good at and that you can make a good living doing. If you try hard enough and you really put your mind to it, you'll be able to find that one thing that makes you feel completely fulfilled....even if your true love is trimming bushes into mullets and adding extensions to pubic hair.
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