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Do We Make You Thorny?

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Three friends. Several Contestants. One Championship Belt. Thousands of mentions of Chris Harrison. Join Donny, Matt, and John every week as they ostensibly recap ABC's "The Bachelor" and compete in their own friendship-testing fantasy league. Will you accept this podcast? Please? Come on they need this.

Three friends. Several Contestants. One Championship Belt. Thousands of mentions of Chris Harrison. Join Donny, Matt, and John every week as they ostensibly recap ABC's "The Bachelor" and compete in their own friendship-testing fantasy league. Will you accept this podcast? Please? Come on they need this.
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Three friends. Several Contestants. One Championship Belt. Thousands of mentions of Chris Harrison. Join Donny, Matt, and John every week as they ostensibly recap ABC's "The Bachelor" and compete in their own friendship-testing fantasy league. Will you accept this podcast? Please? Come on they need this.






Spider Milk

The hit ABC show, that we have invested a good amount of our valuable time and resources into, decided to mail it in this week. So we thought it was only fair that we did, too! We speed recap the content that we could, and then The Thorny Express (TM) is taking a ride down memory lane as we hold a clip show of our own! You thought we were above that? Seriously?


No Roads to Scotland: A True Underdog Story

The Thorny Express is pulling back into the station and we're off to join Hannah and her merry band of idiots in Scotland! We do our best to run through these dates at full speed so we can keep talking about how bad Luke P is. Also, Egg forces her anti-camping agenda onto us, and Donny becomes a Maritime Man of Mystery.


Bad Guy Jaw

Matt has a tremendous amount of things going on in his "life," so we decided to board the THORNY EXPRESS BABY!!!! Speed round date recaps, a plethora of mini segments, and plenty of talk about the unhinged Luke P. ALL ABOARD!


"I Kill You Scum" - Frank Sinatra

Another week has gone by, and we're still not any closer to finding any guys that we really like. We do a full episode recap and dive into two villain arcs that can't end soon enough, read some letters from the dead, and talk to our field correspondent/potential hostage (?) Donny.


Michael Basketball Jordan

Hannah's journey for love continues with a beauty pageant, a roller derby competition, and the presence of the ever-celestial Fred "The Killer" Willard. We also witness the rise of two terrible character arcs at once, play a new mini game, and talk about Matteo's sticky side gig even more than previous conversations. We hope you're happy!


Big D's Classified Ska Revival Guide

The Bachelorette premiere has come and gone and we have a lot to say about it. We break down Hannah's step into the limelight, discuss our new fantasy teams, and Donny improperly uses our beloved Bachelore to ska shame Matt.



The bios of these awful men came out the day after we released our previous episode, so we are back for a very quick run down of our favorites before this dang thing premieres. We break down contestants such as Normal Guy, Roller Boy, Sperm Donor...alright I'll level with you I don't remember their names as I'm typing this. Enjoy!


Jeroma Bahsolo: A Good Star Wars Character

And now, back to our regularly scheduled program. The Bachelorette is back on 5/13, and the All-Father Chris Harrison decided to grace us with his presence early. We talk about a content-heavy reunion special from Monday, and dive in to the new cast of characters that will be vying for Hannah B's heart. Disclaimer: They're all pretty bad!


Grey's An Anime 2: Robotech

We face a more difficult task this week while comparing Grey's and the 1980's big-scary-mech show "Robotech." We also meet up with our very good friends Casey Kasem, Nicole Byer, and the omnipotent KHRYS.


Grey's An Anime 1: Fruits Basket

We watch the beginning of Grey's Anatomy and the 2001 acid trip Fruits Basket. We draw comparisons and do WAY better than anyone expected, including us.


Grey's An Anime 0: Donny Needs This

So it's come to this. We are deep diving into some uncharted territory to prove a "point" made by Donny several weeks ago..because he needs this. We talk about the parameters of our study regarding the correlation to ABC's hit medical drama Grey's Anatomy, and literally any anime series. Then we phone conference in with Donny (who needs this) to get his blessing on the experiment. Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.


The Red Son

So we tried to talk about the Hulu special "Can I Steal You For A Second?" and give our much sought after insight. But we kinda ran out of steam halfway through and started talking about other things we're watching on television and then did some pop culture trivia. I don't know what this was, you might not either, but there's a chance you enjoy it!


Big Yikes (with The Marciano Siblings)

Well folks, this is it. Colton's final move. Will he choose one of two remaining women, or risk it all for Cassie? Who wins the fantasy championship this season? Who will be the upcoming Bachelorette? We absolutely have the answers to all of these, plus our plans for the off season and the upcoming months. We give you the episode recaps for the two part finale, and continuously get interrupted by Matt's comically large family. Also, John does crime and pays the price. Thank you all for your...


The Best Offense is a Good Gun Fence (with KC "Beef Boi" Abad)

Matt's back from Vegas just in time to talk about a really standard episode of The Bachelor. Nothing really out of the ordinary went down. Some kissing, some virgin references...oh yeah, Colton did finally jump the fence and gave us a release that this fan base has been awaiting for weeks, but other than that it was pretty tame. Join us as we dive into Fantasy Suites AND Women Tell All, talk about the bad town, and have our friend KC remind us that it's his word and we are not allowed to use...


O Napkin! My Napkin! (with Cathy "Matt" Rico)

Sorry for the very long episode, but Hometowns gives us a well of content that we have to completely tap, otherwise it gets all smelly and moldy. Colton meets the families and repeatedly lays it all on the line. How does it go? 2.5/4 dads agree, the dude seems pretty agreeable. A full recap of hometowns, a very close-to-the-heart Bachelore, and John plays the greatest prank on Donny. Grab the GameCube controller, we have some scores to settle.


Chekhov's Garbage Can (with Elio Vezza)

Our very dear DIY punk friend Elio came by and watched his first full episode of The Bachelor with us. He hated it! And that's okay! Two things that Elio doesn't hate? Wrestling and Donny. We talk about both more than anyone should. We also recap the show, meet with our favorite egg, and discuss a twitter mom with SOME URGES Y'ALL. Enjoy!


Sir Loin (with KC "Beef Boi" Abad)

Colton spent the last two hours of Bachelor canon swiftly and mercilessly reducing the playing field. His reward? Some cryptic foreshadowing and a whole mess of confusion. This thing is primed for a meltdown, and we are HERE. FOR. IT. We break down this massacre of an episode, play a new game where we get to talk about The Barenaked Ladies, and talk to our beefy buddy KC about his experience with the franchise (spoiler alert: not much!)


A Double Cross Double Feature

Y'all this episode was a DOOZY. A lot happened this week, and we have so much to discuss. Which is why we spend an excessive, unfathomable amount of time talking about Jackie Chan and his perfect stunts. Matt saw a double feature of JC's Police Story movies instead of watching the Bachelor so we bring him up to speed/chastise him for his betrayal. An episode recap, a Bache-lore with a lot of moving parts, and a board game that absolutely does not involve a certain Kung-Fu star. I don't even...


We Commit Time Crime

*CONTENT WARNING* This episode includes discussions about sexual assault and rape. For those who wish to skip, this conversation takes place between 34:25 to 39:08. Welcome to the beautiful city of Singapore, where the love is plentiful and so are the street bananas. We run through a recap of this week, play another rousing game of "ABC or MTV?", and use the bone pump on John to cure his Time Bends. Also, egg stops by to talk about her new favorite presidential candidate. Oh, Yay?


We Hate Matt Now!

The fantasy league is heating up, and some of us are doing a little better than others. The competition is fierce, and tensions are definitely more palpable than ever. Basically, Matt scored like infinity points this week and morale is not...great. We give you the weekly recap, weave the tale of an old-fashioned boom mic scandal, and really reminisce about one of the greatest speakers in this show's history. Time for some world class professionality, baby! NOTE: Show recap begins at 21:00.