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Pitney & Amelia's Bitchen Boutique

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Bleeding Out My Face

We had a whole show ready to go, and then Amelia had to be rushed to the emergency room in an ambulance! Of course we had to quickly record her telling Pitney all about it. So the first 30 minutes of the show were tacked on at the last minute. (Sorry the sound is a little tinny on this segment. And the rest was recorded over Skype. We make do when it's not ideal!) Pitney accidentally offends the old ladies at work. Our impressions of Drs. Phil and Laura and the people who actively screw up...


Annie Sprinkle's Cervix

This week we tend to hover around the crotch area. We swear it wasn't intentional. First up, Amelia shares the story of a weird chocolate treat with Pitney. Edible anuses. Yep, that's right. Then Pitney brings up the insane and splattery idea of enema-themed performance art, which reminds Amelia of the time Annie Sprinkle toured the country inviting audiences to view her cervix. You already know Pitney's dad is a creep. But now you get to hear an especially creepy story about him. It's so...


Fandom of Yore

Continuing our discussion of happy memories, we venture into our nerdy pasts! Amelia's first convention was TimeCon '84 in San Jose, California, which was an epic event for numerous reasons, but her fondest memories of that weekend all involve Jon Pertwee, star of Doctor Who from 1970 to 1974. He was incredibly kind to dorky, fifteen year old Amelia, ad she's got stories (and a cherished photo) to prove it! WesterCon '83 may not have been Pitney's first convention, but it was the first to...


Trail of Frogs

Lots of happy memories in this week's episode! Amelia took her dad to a big Star Trek event where William Shatner did a Q&A. Hear all about where she gets her love of all things Trekkie. Pitney recalls a rare happy memory of his father. (If you remember, his father was pretty scary. Check out our episode about the Mafia for more information about him!) Amelia and her mom and their love of Little Shop of Horrors. Pitney and his mom and her love of loudly cussing at people. Don't forget...


Never Seen It, Never Will!

Riding a scooter around a Walmart parking lot drinking wine out of a Pringles can at 6:30am? Sounds like a great way to start a show! Amelia really gets perturbed when someone swipes through her photos on her phone without permission, and also how dare you assume she wants your dog to run at her dog just because you think your dog is nice. Pitney goes on yet another rant about how disgusted he is by TV commercials. You know how he hates eczema and people acting happy. We also reminisce...


Yay Therapy!

First up, a promo for a special series of segments for 2019: The Year of the Vagina! Have you ever been in therapy? Have you ever been treated for a mental illness? Do you think you might need help? We know all about that. Hear Pitney and Amelia discussing their experiences with depression, anxiety, anger issues, and addiction. It's not the first time we've talked about this stuff, and it won't be the last, but it's the first time we've devoted an entire episode to how messed up we are!...


Yuletide Manure!

We’re going LIVE on December 31st to ring in 2019 and celebrate our first 10,000 downloads! Hang out with us on Facebook Live starting at 10pm CST. Like our FB page and join our FB group to get all the latest info. (Details below.) This year for Christmas we’re exploring some corners of Europe whose traditions made us cringe and/or laugh. Learn all about the caganer, a vital part of any classy nativity scene! Hear about from whence children in Catalonia get their presents on Christmas...


Inflatable Wonderland

This week brings more of the exquisite bitchiness you've come to expect from us. We complain about how weirdly strict some copyright laws are, our hatred of giant pickup trucks (and other douchemobiles), and the idiots that drive them. Then Pitney shares a story about a weirdo who yelled homophobic slurs at him at Target, and we chat about how fabulous shopping at the mall can be. As of this week, we are only about 100 downloads away from the big 10K, and we promised to do something special...


Thankful 3: Ragnarok

(Yes, we went with another sequel title. We're gonna keep it up until we completely run out of ideas!) A very happy Thanksgiving to our American listeners, and to everyone else, a reasonably good but unimportant Thursday in late November. Once again, Pitney and Amelia talk about their gratitude for things that make them happy, such as: Food additives! The joy of righteous anger! Finding out a big-shot Republican is just a patriot for money! The big scary light being shone on everyday...


Cornucopia of Awesomeness

It’s almost Thanksgiving, so we offer a bounty of the sort of ridiculous and rambling conversation you expect from us! Abandoned birthday cake, horrid song lyrics, loud neighbor fights, the Cassidy brothers, Pitney’s aversion to ugliness, the pain of pleurisy, stylish terrycloth short sets, window shopping via catalog, the glory of the station wagon, family vacations, Disney nightmares, and Harry Potter obsession! And you know there’s more! Promo: Work/Life Imbalance Podcast (Want to swap...


The War on Halloween!

Happy Halloween, y'all! Did you know there are people determined to crap on your Halloween good time? People who think you're a horrible sinner for daring to have spooky fun on October 31st? You know who those people are? Evangelical Christians, of course! Hear what one "former Satanist" and a former teen heartthrob have to say about it, and then learn how the pious mommies in your neighborhood are going to try to make you their mission project! Then we have a few laughs looking at some...


Marcus and Mona's Halloween Adventure!

Pitney found an old notebook filled with stories he wrote years ago, stories about his beloved characters Marcus and Mona of the planet Galleria, and this week we share a spooky Halloween story with you! Yes, you read correctly. Pitney and Amelia venture into the world of Scripted Audiodrama!! Hear descriptions of glamourous Halloween outfits! Hear the squelching of grease in Latrino's castle! Hear the arrival of the Evil Princess Gertrude's spaceship! Hear the plop of grody bird poop! Hear...


Bully For You!

This episode was inspired by Jamel Miles, the sweet little nine year old boy in Denver, CO who committed suicide after being bullied in school for being gay. We share our experiences with bullying and the lasting effects it can have on the psyche. School bullies, masc-for-masc bullies in the gay community, family bullies, imaginary fascist bullies: we've got 'em all! Then we go off on a bit of a Catholic tangent that we promise we'll come back to someday! Promo: In Poor Taste (Want to...


Growing Weary of the Bandersnatch

Pitney surprises Amelia with the bundle of fabulous extras that came with the Deadpool 2 Year Anniversary Edition Blu-Ray, and she squees over the Colorforms and whatnot. Then a bunch of Marvel movie talk ensued: Guardians of the Galaxy, Avengers Infinity War, etc etc. Amelia hates people who spoil movies, Pitney wants Rocket/Thor slashfic to exist. (We googled. It does. Because of course.) A brief discussion of Benedict Cumberbatch occurs, and it turns out that Tricia Von Liechtenstein is...


Problematic, as the kids would say

We've been watching movies! First, Pitney shares the plot of a trashy Lifetime movie they really enjoyed at the nursing home. Then he and Amelia talk about how wholesome Hallmark movies are, and how those stories always make the female leads look stupid. Pitney is VERY excited, however, about the dozens of new Christmas movies coming this season! Then Pitney and Amelia talk about a terribly homophobic and utterly problematic cop movie from 1982 called Partners, starring Ryan O'Neal and...


The Vagina Doesn't Help

Sex! Sex! Sex! (Also gender!) The more we think about gender, the more fascinated we are by even just the IDEA of it. What is a man? What is a woman? And why do some people refuse to bathe? But first, Amelia is gonna drop some serious anthropology knowledge on ya, while she rips apart those paleo people and their stupid "this is how caveman ate" arguments. Promos: the Retro Cinema podcast and 2 Skeptical Chaps (Want to swap show promos? Email us!) We love you for listening! Please take...


Prince Valiant of Con Security

We weren't in town long enough to record a whole episode, so this week we're giving you delightful miscellany! Tids and bits snipped from various conversations that add up to forty jam-packed minutes! A wandering discussion about a new anime cafe in San Antonio becomes a walk down memory lane peppered with people we've nicknamed and obsessed over. Pitney's obsession with a guy who makes Skyrim videos and pronounces words oddly. Amelia's disappointment in Sonic's failed jalapeno chocolate...


Meeting for the Misanthropic

If you could meet five people you admire from the past, people who are dead, who would they be? Pitney was tasked with this exercise and it stumped him. We thought of all sorts of dead folks we would want to meet and what we would talk to them about. But mostly we talked about what dead people we'd like to have as guests on our show! For example, did you know your grandfathers? Pitney and Amelia didn't know theirs. One was a really interesting dude who has some 'splainin to do about...


Judgey McJudgerson

How dare people think they have the right to judge us! Seriously, though, Amelia had two really gross encounters with waitstaff at Applebee’s where they treated her as a “fat customer” instead of a “customer,” much to Pitney’s surprise. She talks about how she often gets treated horribly for daring to exist in public as a fat person, and how fat people, women in particular, get misdiagnosed by awful doctors who see the fat and assume it’s the cause of every malady. Then Pitney talks about a...


Tale of the Snail

This week, Pitney and Amelia talk about some of their past relationships, particularly the moment they knew it was OVER. Sometimes it sneaks up on you, and sometimes it hits you like a ton of bricks, but that moment comes when the relationship just can't go on any longer. And sometimes the relationship shouldn't even happen to begin with. There are an awful lot of rom-coms where the guy and girl hate each other in the beginning and get married at the end. What a dumb message to send to...