Susan from Scratch

Comedy Podcasts

Every day, millions of people write reviews for products and places online. Using Esther Szalinski’s famous method of transferrence, Malcolm and Maggie will steal those precious memories to instantiate a new, real person: Susan. New episodes every Wednesday.


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Every day, millions of people write reviews for products and places online. Using Esther Szalinski’s famous method of transferrence, Malcolm and Maggie will steal those precious memories to instantiate a new, real person: Susan. New episodes every Wednesday.




98: The one with the phone

In this episode: We celebrate the end of grizzly 2020 and the beginning of joyous 2021 by not mentioning them in any way for the full 30 minute runtime of this episode. Also in this episode: Some stuff about Susan. Well, not about Susan, actually. But about her phone. Also, more Stanley Tucci gossip somehow?


97: Ant Drinks

In this episode: Ant drinks! What else were you expecting? Also in this episode: A number of sincere and heartfelt apologies, mostly by Maggie, but also to some (lesser) degree by Malcolm.


96: A guy's Guy (The Da-Finch'y Code)

In this episode: The story of Richard comes to an extremely confusing climax. We may have ventured too far down the birdhole on this one. Also in this episode: Swans, geese, and A brief snippet of the Aeneid. And for those of you who want the background on our impenetrable "hello to you joke", here's a youtube link: (no guarantee it's still working)


The Chillzone!

Hey, it's a heck of a day today, eh? No matter how things are going down, we could all use a little break from the stress and strain. So here's a single episode from our podcast within a podcast - The Chillzone! In it, there's no mention of... anything really. Mal and Mag pass the time for a lazy hour, drifting aimlessly from topic to topic. No goals, no stress, and (oddly) no Susan. We thought the sound of two people talking amiably about nothing in particular for an hour might help take...


95: A Guy's Guy (Bird Complications)

In this episode: We uncover some startling revelations concerning the physical identity of our friend Richard, revelations which threaten to alter the whole nature of our current perception concerning the concerns we concern ourselves with in this episode. Also in this episode: Money Troubles


94: A Guy's Guy (Guy de M ou qui?)

In this episode: We begin the laborious process of parsing through our longest review yet! What mysteries will it reveal? What deep secrets does it contain? Only Richard knows... Also in this episode: Some brief conversation about distasteful authors and the fates of their books.


93: College (Rug Vanity)

In this episode: Susan attempts to rapidly transit from one coast of the continent to the other in a strained attempt to maintain a complex ruse whose sole purpose is the maintenance of her already overblown vanity. Or possibly not, I can't remember what we decided. Also in this episode: Nickelodeon near-stardom and brief references to Doctor Who


92: College (Carbonara Tubules)

In this episode: Susan pushes bravely forward in the search for her ideal home in the halls of Academe. We discuss some of the exciting discoveries happening at Caltech as we take a journey to the frontiers of materials science. Also in this episode: A mild Cousin Itt Joke and some brief conversation about S'mores


91: College (Nuclear Philosophy)

In this episode: The college search continues! We venture out to Oregon to sample the liberal arts scene. We complicate Susan's academic decision-making with the promise of bold and exciting opportunities out west. Also in this episode: Business talk and a rudimentary attempt at a Seinfeld.


90: College (The Dog Within)

In this episode: College! Hail Varsity! The old Alma Mater (eventually, I promise. It may not be clear that the episode is about this for a fair quantity of time)! Also in this episode: The dog within? Yeah, that's the title of the episode. It's also in the episode. What do you want.


89: Swurtle 2

In this episode: Further turtlejacking (still not what it sounds like), serious continued swolitude of turtles, and an increasing and unresolved runaway process of even more turtle beefing. Also in this episode: Considerable dabbling with unsavory moral possibilities but, ultimately, a redemption.


88: Swurtle

In this episode: Turtle swoling, the beefing of turtles, turtlejacking (not what it sounds like), and general muscularization of turtles and turtle adjacent reptiles (actually, now that we've reviewed it, it's just turtles). Also in this episode: A surprisingly dark moral conundrum


87: Mafia Opera

In this episode: A great quantity of reminiscing about our childhoods and comparatively little effort into giving Susan a childhood of her own. Also in this episode: More pee talk than is necessary. Glitter Dog. Inelegant bragging about interesting childhood memories for which we can take little personal credit.


86: Teen Brow

In this episode: More discussion of dude wines, somehow. Also in this episode: Infinite sweat. Brow and eyeliner.


Black Lives Matter

Donate/Get Involved/Help: Learn/Read/Grow:


Quarantini 6

Relax your bones, dear listeners, it's Quarantini time. Prepare yourself a distracting concoction and let those aforementioned bones tumble down into an artful heap in that lovely bunker with us.


85: Activated Cells 3

In this episode: Susan takes a heartbreaking journey from the pure freedom she found in her time as a blue man and learns to transition back into the mundanity of everyday life.


84: Activated Cells 2

In this episode: Susan becomes one with the deep movings of the great city clock. The blue-man-ness also continues. Also in this episode: Dude wines


Quarantini 5

Be at peace, friends, it's Quarantini time. Slosh some apropos liquors into a harmonious admixture and let yourself fall gracefully downwards into that trusty bunker with us.


83: Activated Cells

In this episode: Susan undergoes a remarkable transformation and roves out into the city in search of others of her kind. Also in this episode: Martini olives. Extensive discussions of martini olives.