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Episode 38

Every day it's the same, you studiously study the same 3 books: the Bible, the Talmud and the Quran. You look through these books religiously, pun very much intended. You read them in an effort to decipher which religion is the TRUE religion, which of the big 3 is the real deal…you read until you go blind and then you listen to each book on tape until you are deaf. On your deathbed you convert to christianity, certain it is the one true faith. In hell you discover you were wrong. As you...


Episode 37

Every day it's the same, you clock in at the grocery store, bust your hump for 3 hours, get drunk in the parking lot with the bums on your break, work 3 more hours, snort coke in the men’s room, work 3 more hours, clock out. 23 years ago you were the lead singer in the 2nd tier grunge band Stump. 23 years ago you played The Reading Festival with your drinking buddies Candlebox. 23 years ago you were poised to be a rock god, 23 years later you’re a worker bee on the lowest possible rung. On...


Episode 36 with Earl Skakel

Every day it's the same but not today because today you’re roast-battling Big Earl Skakel! Ok, sure, you’ve only been doing comedy for 3 months and Earl’s been grinding for more than twenty years but so what? You’ve cock-teased some of the best open micers in the scene &, in turn, they’ve written some of the most vicious jokes at Earl’s expense for you; your victory is certain & your reward will be the undying adulation of your comedy peers & a shot at television stardom. Not too shabby....


Episode 35

Every day it's the same but not today because today is moving day! That’s right, the big day is finally here, the big day you move to The Big Apple; today you are moving to New York City! Finally you get to brush off the dust of your 1-horse town! Finally you get to go to art school! You rush up the stairs of your dorm to meet your new roommate. What will she be like? Will you be best friends?! You burst through the door of your dorm room to find your roommate’s corpse hanging from a light...


Episode 34

Every day it's the same: You march 3 miles closer to the grave, all alone as you feel your way through the darkness... Your parents don't understand you. Your teachers think you are a lost cause. Your preacher turns his back to you when you ask for his help. And your friends? What friends? You envy the West Memphis 3 because even though they spent decades in prison AT LEAST THEY HAD FRIENDS!!! Your only "friend" is your iPod. Your friend the iPod only has 34 episodes of a single podcast on...


Episode 33

Every day it’s the same except today because today is your birthday! You’re 33 years old today. Jesus was 33 when they crucified him, how much longer until they crucify YOU...? You procure from your overalls the pocket knife your father gave you when you were 13. It’s the only thing your father gave you, besides a predisposition for blood cancer. You admire the blade for a moment. You bring the blade to your thigh & start slicing. You slice off a strip of flesh for every year you’ve been...


Episode 32

It’s hot, feels like a sneak preview of hell. It’s so hot old people are dying from the heat. The sun beats down like a billy club. No relief in sight. No relief to be found anywhere, as every oasis has been burned to the ground. The murder rate goes up during the summer months because it’s so hot; this summer will be no different. You’ll have plenty of work to do before Fall saves us all. You hide in the freezer during your lunch. Your coworkers at the morgue call you a freak for that but...


Episode 31

The wind howls, shaking the trees. The sky blackens like an all too ripened banana. Your face is momentarily illuminated by a bolt of lightning as it slashes the sky. It is Wednesday, hump day, your favorite day, for Wednesday is the day new episodes of W3 Thr33 Tr0lls are put online. You sit at your computer, refreshing iTunes over and over…thunder cracks the summer night like a whip as the lightning illuminates your face once again, revealing a single tear as it races down your pimpled...


Episode 30

You’re 15 and you hate EVERYTHING. Every day it’s the same: go to school where everyone hates you then go to work where everyone hates you then go home where everyone hates you too. You are a kissless virgin in a world full of Chads. Your only friend is 4chan (8chan is too edgy for you). You use 4chan as a substitute for a personality. You use all their catchphrases as your own and anyone who doesn’t like it can BTFO and kys. You jump on the Trump Train, choo choo! Pepe speaks to your soul;...


Episode 29

You’re the king of the campus! At your high school you are a god: girls want to fuck you and, tbh, you’re so fucking hot the other boys want to fuck you too! Your dad does something in banking; you’re set for life. Nothing bad or sinister could possibly happen to you in any way in this story. You bully the weaker students because FUCK THEM, they’re weak. If they have a problem with it, they can take up with God, it’s His will after all. You like to pick on one spazz in particular; he always...


Episode 28

Summer’s here! The days have gotten longer, the skirts have gotten shorter and it seems as if an ice cream truck’s song can perpetually be heard no matter which way you turn. Street carnivals are popping up everywhere and the beaches are overcrowded with frolicking families. But not your family...your family forgot you existed ages ago. This summer will be just like last summer, just you alone in your mother’s basement with your hobbies, your comic books, your junk food, your childhood...


Episode 27

Every day it’s the same except today because today is July 4th! Lady Liberty’s b-day! The old gal don’t look a day over 30! And you’re ready to celebrate Lady Lib’s birthday in style, for just last night you took a ride out past the county line to procure yourself an assortment of fireworks. You got firecrackers, black cats, bobcats, zipperheads, wailing wheels, poppers, felchers, sparklers and, your favorite, roman candles. You light the first Roman candle from a safe distance…it doesn’t...


Episode 26

Every day it’s the same: You walk alone to school, sit alone at school, walk home alone from school. You are hated by all and most intensely by yourself. Then one day Alexandra appears. Alexandra moves into the house up the block and she walks to school alone every day too. At first Alexandra leaves her house well after you leave yours, silently trailing far behind you along the route to school but as the months wear on, Alexandra times her exit to coincide with your passing of her house....


Episode 25

The devil went down to Newport Beach, CA—he was lookin' for a soul to snatch. He came upon this young man tinkling the ivories of a keytar and playin' it hot and he thought, “Looks like I met my match!” The devil hopped up on a park bench and introduced himself to the young man. The young man said his name was Kyle and he told the devil he had inherited the keytar from his father when his father passed away 3 years ago. The devil exclaimed, “Oh, I know your father well, I’ve kept an eye on...


Episode 24

Every day it’s the same, every day it’s the end of the world...your family doesn’t understand you...your church group thinks you’re a freak...your friends have forgotten you...you slip your earbuds in...thank god for W3 Thr33 Tr0lls! W3 Thr33 Tr0lls is your rock! It’s your reason for living!


Episode 23

Every day it’s the same, every day they chew you up and spit you out. Your bullies are many, your friends are few; in fact, it’s just you, you against the world. One day you’ll move to the city and meet other queerkin furries like yourself but right now you live in a small midwestern town and you’re on your own, kid. How to fight back? Ratting out your bullies never did any good, it only made the bullying worse. Your dad bought you a 9 millimeter for your birthday and told you to feel free...


Episode 22

Day late, dollar short. Late. Late again. Your period is late again. And the bills are past due. Plan B was your Plan A but Trump took away funding for Planned Parenthood and your friendly neighborhood baby-killer had to close up shop. And now it’s too late. It’s later than you think. He’s late, said he had to finish up something at work. Again. You know where he’s been burning that midnight oil lately… You’d love to tell him “later skater!” but your period’s late. And the bills are late;...


Episode 21

The TV weatherman swore up and down the hurricane would swerve away from your city at the last possible minute; the television was wrong once again. The hurricane blew most everything away as it blew through town. Deceived by the TV, you elected not to evacuate. Luckily, your mama didn't raise any fools, you'd already stocked your home with the necessary provisions, namely a case of Mad Dog 20/20 and several dozen cartons of Twinkies that will never go bad. You smile to yourself as the power...


Episode 20

You walk to the drug store to procure a fresh pack of razor blades. The cashier is taking FOREVER, doesn't she know you have something you NEED to be doing right now?! Oh, great, now she's making small talk as you tap your fingers on the counter impatiently. She rattles on impassively. How can someone be so clueless? How can someone be so HEARTLESS? You've had enough; you lash out at her. You tell her you are in a hurry and she needs to shut her word-hole and finish ringing you up before you...


Episode 19

Choose your own MISadventure: It’s noon. You have a splitting headache. You just woke up. Do you: Face the day OR grab a fifth & an eighth, hop into your 1999 Ford Fiesta, crank up the W3 Thr33 Tr0lls & drive ANYWHERE, the choice is yours, choose wisely...