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Funny Messy Life

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The Last Twenty Pounds, I Can Do It All By Myself, and Is That Free?

When it comes to interesting stuff in the world, little compares to the intricate workings of the human mind. From kids to the elderly and entire lives in between, we can make simple things hard, difficult things easy and sometimes we let the mundane stay mundane. It doesn’t matter how you choose to ride the wave in the ocean of your own existence, I can promise you’ll pick up a few barnacles in the form of stories along the way, like I have. I’m going to break a few of them off the bottom...


Fighting The Good Fight, The Barbie Doll Conundrum, and Raising Children

Sometimes I think my problem is just that I’m messed up in the head and I have a circle of family and friends who’ll nod in agreement when I say that. Yes. Yes, that man is messed up in the head big time. But sometimes parenting takes a little insanity to make something positive happen. Even if it makes you look like you lost all your marbles and might turn you into the person children point at when you walk down the street with your shopping cart full of your prized parenting possessions...


The Hot Stupid Sun Is Hot, Diabetes Ruined My Day, and The Acceptable Mulk and Other Semi-Heroes

I’ve got problems just like everybody else. I know it’s sort of a sham hiding them all behind a barricade of laughter and merriment the likes rarely seen beyond newborn babies who think a dirty diaper is funny and really old people who think a dirty diaper is funny, but it’s the way I cope. My aunt Janet likes to call me Chandler Bing - the guy from FRIENDS - because no matter what’s going on and even when things get serious, I’ll sometimes break the monotony with a sarcastic or off-the-wall...


The Trendy Curmudgeon, The Eight Commandments of The Men's Room, and My Slow Is Faster Than Your Slow

Society has a lot of rules, but being that I live in the Land Of The Free, society around me likes to bend them, and there’s nothing I can do about it. Laws are different, so don’t get the two confused. It’s a RULE of society that you shouldn’t play the music in your car so loud at 3 am that you wake everybody in the neighborhood as you pass through. But it’s a LAW that I can’t install a tire spike system in the road in front of my house that I can access at the push of a button the next...


No Sleep For Me, I Just Wanted To Leave, & My Wreck

As I think about the direction this podcast is going, I realize I want it to be more story driven and less Op/Ed. Sure, I like to put my thoughts out there as a little cud to chew for the readers and listeners, but I’m finding I get plenty of that on social media already and maybe this show ought to veer toward interesting stories. I’ll finish giving you the articles that are already written, even if they’re my opinions, but after that, it’s going to be all great stories. And that’s why I’m...


How I Identify

Today we have a lot of discussions about how people “identify”. Some dude with a beard identifies as a little girl in pig tails, some little girl in pig tails has decided she identifies as a middle aged oil rig worker from Texas and her parents support that. Which is weird because nine times out of ten, a parent who would be okay with that would fall way to the left on the political rainbow and hate anything to do with oil. Even a few people in government leadership positions - over the...


Sister Sister - FML 010

If you asked people to tell you one of the most important things in life, it wouldn’t take long for them to say family. For me, family is a main ingredient in the stew of a happy life and I think you’ll be able to tell by the following three stories that little else comes before it. My sister and I have always been close, even when it came to fisticuffs, as you’ll see, so I think it’s a good idea to tell you some stuff about her. She’s been warned, but I can’t promise she won’t come for me...


Saving The World - FML 009

Note: The following content is created tongue-in-cheek style and is intended for the comedic entertainment and enjoyment of people who are not easily offended. If you’re easily insulted and get all mouthy and whatnot, understand that you may one day be mooned. By the host. While he’s driving. That’s just his way of saying, “Hi friend! You have no sense of humor!” Otherwise, proceed. This world is a dangerous place full of lazy people who’d rather take your money by force rather than work...


Social Studies - FML 008

People are sensitive animals and it doesn’t take much to bring a knee-jerk, often irrational, response when things happen that we consider out-of-the-norm. Newton’s Law states that for every action, there is an equal and opposite thing that happens to stuff. The measure of control we have over our reactions will separate us into three categories, which I’ll rank from best to worst: 1. Wise Souls - Slow to react and willing to think things through so as to get the best, most righteous...


Gender Issues - FML 007

I’ve never been confused about my gender or even curious what it would be like to wear a dress. So to be crystal clear, I’m all dude. But I spent a lot of my formative years with women and I think that’s done a couple of things for me. I don’t always come across as the burliest, manliest fella in the cave because I’ve learned to appreciate some things over the years that might be considered more along the feminine side of the dividing line, and I find it’s just much easier for me to talk and...


You May Be Right I May Be Crazy - FML 006

There are plenty of ways to describe my personality and most of the good ones rank pretty low on a political correctness scale of one to ten. A few screws loose is popular. Kind of a wackadoo is a cute one. Then there's one of my favorites, That boys is nutballs! It's okay. I've gotten used to it over the years and I really kind of wear it as a badge of honor. Sane people are boring and droll about their days NOT talking to themselves in funky cartoon voices or breaking out in Broadway...


Relationships - FML 005

Ah, relationships. They're what make the world go round. From Adam and Eve to your crazy aunt and uncle who wear tinfoil hats in case the aliens finally come, relationships have defined our lives. Even if you think there's only you and a make believe woman you created out of an old string mop, Twizzlers, and a couple of coconuts, you're in for an awakening. You and that string mop woman are in a relationship - a weird one to be sure, and you probably need to see a professional – but a...


I Had A Condition - FML 004

You know what's funny? Watching somebody try to drink right after a trip to the dentist's office while their mouth is still numb and everything spills down the front of their shirt like a tiny baby. You know what's NOT funny? After the numbing stuff wears off and every single nerve ending is zapping you face with electric hell. I've had some conditions I've had to heal from that have been quite embarrassing, gross, or both, and I wouldn't normally even consider mentioning them, but hey – we...


People Watching - FML 003

If you stare too long at a person and they notice, you could find yourself in an awkward situation that requires, “Lucy, you got some ‘splaining to do”. This happened to me once when I saw the most beautiful little girl – she was maybe 4 years old – in a diner. I was eating alone and noticed her and her mother at an adjacent table. As a portrait artist, the human face is a wonderland for me and this little girl looked like a true angel. I didn't know I was staring like a creepy stalker...


Shenanigans - FML 002

Shenanigans is defined by Webster's dictionary as tricky or questionable practices or conduct; also, high-spirited or mischievous activity. It's a word I never used until I became an old fogy. Now it rolls off my tongue like a good set of dentures secured by a bad squeeze of Fixadent. I can't remember what we called shenanigans when I was growing up, but we sure knew when we were up to them. I can tell you that I've been up to my share and it doesn't seem that over my forty plus years I've...


The Insanity of Kids - FML 001

Parents. If you're not one, there's a good chance you had one or maybe even two at some point. As a child I wasn't as much like so many of my peers – always thinking about growing up and becoming a blushing groom; having babies and keeping myself barefoot and … drunk. No, my childhood was spent in deep thought about how much mud pie I could eat without throwing up or if those orange coals in the fireplace would produce the delicious flow of juice it seemed they would if I dared to reach in...