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The Jokes for Today

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Late Night-style jokes about the news, and current events. Similar to jokes you would hear on Saturday Night Live's Weekend Update, Jimmy Fallon, Seth Meyers, and other late night comedy shows.

Late Night-style jokes about the news, and current events. Similar to jokes you would hear on Saturday Night Live's Weekend Update, Jimmy Fallon, Seth Meyers, and other late night comedy shows.
More Information

Location:

United States

Description:

Late Night-style jokes about the news, and current events. Similar to jokes you would hear on Saturday Night Live's Weekend Update, Jimmy Fallon, Seth Meyers, and other late night comedy shows.

Twitter:

@JonasPolsky

Language:

English


Episodes

The Jokes for December 31st

1/1/2019
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Please check out my comedy book "Riddles for the Easily Confused." You can buy the Kindle edition on Amazon for only $3.95 amazon.com/dp/B079Q72RW4 Topical jokes about eating roadkill, running over a nail salon employee, Elizabeth Warren, a thwarted mass shooting, and Trump's New Years Resolutions.

Duration:00:01:41

The Jokes for December 28th

12/29/2018
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Please check out my comedy book "Riddles for the Easily Confused." You can buy the Kindle edition on Amazon for only $3.95 amazon.com/dp/B079Q72RW4 Topical jokes about a nude selfie, a very heavy newborn, wrestling with dreadlocks, and getting married to a hologram.

Duration:00:01:10

The Jokes for December 20th

12/21/2018
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Please check out my comedy book "Riddles for the Easily Confused." You can buy the Kindle edition on Amazon for only $3.95 amazon.com/dp/B079Q72RW4 Topical jokes about news stories like General Mattis, Donald Trump, an unwanted rectal exam, Bigfoot, and a little more.

Duration:00:01:57

The Jokes for December 17th

12/18/2018
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Please check out my comedy book "Riddles for the Easily Confused." You can buy the Kindle edition on Amazon for only $3.95 amazon.com/dp/B079Q72RW4 Jokes about waterboarding, Merriam Webster's word of the year, Youtube, and calendars.

Duration:00:01:08

BOOK PREVIEW: Riddles for the Easily Confused

12/15/2018
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This is a preview of my book "Riddles for the Easily Confused." Buy it today for only $3.95 https://www.amazon.com/dp/B079Q72RW4

Duration:00:11:37

The Jokes for November 9th

11/9/2018
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Please check out my comedy book "Riddles for the Easily Confused." You can buy the Kindle edition on Amazon for only $3.95 amazon.com/dp/B079Q72RW4 Good morning, good afternoon, and goodnight. These are The Jokes for Today for November 9th. In Michigan, a dead woman was found inside the donation dumpster at Goodwill. Goodwill employees discovered the dead woman, when a customer tried to buy her. Speaking of death-- In Alaska, a man was who faked his own death has been...

Duration:00:01:27

The Jokes for February 12th

2/13/2018
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Good morning, good afternoon, and goodnight. These are The Jokes for Today for February 12th. The presidential portrait of Barack Obama was unveiled today. Everyone agreed that even a painting of Barack Obama is a better president than Donald Trump. Attorney General Jeff Sessions said that the sheriff's department is a critical part of "The anglo-american heritage of law enforcement." Republicans insist that his statement wasn't MEANT to be racist, it just SOUNDS racist, because HE...

Duration:00:01:30

The Jokes for August 22nd

8/23/2017
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Topical jokes about: Confederate statues, Donald Trump ecstasy, and the Secret Service. Enjoy more deadpan comedy by subscribing: iTunes - http://goo.gl/kliwfi Android - http://goo.gl/noN9ZJ Show Transcript: Good morning, good afternoon, and goodnight. These are The Jokes for Today for August 22nd. In Texas, a man was arrested after he was caught trying to blow up a Confederate statue. If convicted, the man will be enslaved. In Germany, police have seized 5,000 orange...

Duration:00:01:08

The Jokes for August 19th

8/20/2017
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Topical jokes about: Steve Bannon, stolen zoo animals, and white supremacy. Show Transcript: Good morning, good afternoon, and goodnight. These are The Jokes for Today for August 19th. A priest chanting Latin in reverse successfully cast a magic spell to banish evil spirits -- and Steven Bannon has been removed from the White House. Donald Trump reportedly asked for Bannon's resignation. According to Trump, during his meeting with Bannon, people were fired on many sides -- many...

Duration:00:01:21

The Jokes for August 16th

8/17/2017
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Topical jokes about Neo-Nazis, the KKK, and a woman who found her wedding ring on a carrot. Show Transcript: Good morning, good afternoon, and goodnight. These are The Jokes for Today for August 16th. In Canada, a gardener who lost her wedding ring 14 years ago, found it wrapped around a carrot. According to Canadian law, that carrot can now sue the woman for alimony. The KKK has been denied a permit to burn a giant cross on top of a mountain. No reason was provided. A...

Duration:00:00:51

The Jokes for August 3rd

8/4/2017
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After an extremely long hiatus, the Jokes for Today are BACK! Topical jokes about: an island of garbage, the owner of Costco dying, stoners, and OJ Simpson getting out of prison. Enjoy more deadpan comedy by subscribing: iTunes - http://goo.gl/kliwfi Android - http://goo.gl/noN9ZJ Show Transcript: Good morning, good afternoon, and goodnight. These are the jokes for today for August 3rd. In extremely recent news: OJ Simpson convinced a parole board to release him from...

Duration:00:01:18

The Jokes for July 5th

7/6/2017
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Topical Jokes about: Being struck by lightning, child sex slaves on Mars, Obama Boulevard, and a plane crash on the 405 freeway. Enjoy more deadpan comedy by subscribing: iTunes - http://goo.gl/kliwfi Android - http://goo.gl/noN9ZJ Good morning, good afternoon, and goodnight. These are the jokes for today for July 5th. In Florida, a pregnant woman gave birth after being struck by lightning. The good news is that now her iPhone is fully charged. ...the child was named...

Duration:00:01:20

The Jokes for June 27th

6/28/2017
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Topical jokes about: Trumpcare, throwing change into a jet engine, a dog who was elected mayor, and the Queen of England getting a raise. Enjoy more deadpan comedy by subscribing: iTunes - http://goo.gl/kliwfi Android - http://goo.gl/noN9ZJ Show Transcript: Good morning, good afternoon, and goodnight. These are the jokes for today for June 27th. Hillary Clinton said ‘If Republicans pass this healthcare bill, they’ll be the death party’, And if there's anyone who knows...

Duration:00:01:11

The Jokes for June 18th

6/18/2017
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Topical Jokes about: Marijuana pizza, a bad dog owner, untalented psychics, fox news, and a lawsuit involving a testicle. Enjoy more deadpan comedy by subscribing: iTunes - http://goo.gl/kliwfi Android - http://goo.gl/noN9ZJ Show Transcript: Good morning, good afternoon, and goodnight. These are the jokes for today for June 18th. In Massachusetts, a marijuana dispensary has begun selling marijuana pizza. If your marijuana pizza isn't delivered within 30 minutes, then your...

Duration:00:01:47

The Jokes for June 7th

6/8/2017
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Subscribe to the Jokes for Today iTunes - http://goo.gl/kliwfi Android - http://goo.gl/noN9ZJ Show Transcript: Good morning, good afternoon, and goodnight. These are the jokes for today for June 7th. Soon, iPhones will prevent users from texting while driving. The way it works is simple, when the driver starts texting, the car's wheels will fly off. Drug overdoses are now the leading cause of death for people under 50. And when you turn 50 there's a new leading cause of...

Duration:00:00:38

The Jokes for June 4th

6/5/2017
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Topical Jokes about: Bill Maher saying the n-word, homelessness, in LA, trying to join ISIS, and the new Wonder Woman movie. Hope you enjoy extremely deadpan delivery, because that's how I read jokes. Subscribe to the Jokes for Today iTunes - http://goo.gl/kliwfi Android - http://goo.gl/noN9ZJ Good morning, good afternoon, and goodnight. These are the jokes for today for June 4th. The new "Wonder Woman" movie earned 100 million dollars in its opening weekend. "Wonder Woman" is...

Duration:00:01:05

The Jokes for May 30th

5/31/2017
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I'm still recovering from a cold and sore throat, so please excuse my hoarse voice. Extremely deadpan topical jokes about: Kathy Griffin and Donald Trump, the cop who shot Tamir Rice, pedophiles in Australia, hot dogs with metal in them, and a car crash story that's too long to summarize. Subscribe to the Jokes for Today iTunes - http://goo.gl/kliwfi Android - http://goo.gl/noN9ZJ Show transcript: Good morning, good afternoon, and goodnight. These are the jokes for today for May...

Duration:00:01:48

The Jokes for May 14th

5/15/2017
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Topical Jokes about: setting yourself on fire on Facebook Live, cutting off an employee's hand, snorting cocaine in England, and stealing Girl Scout cookies. Subscribe to the Jokes for Today iTunes - http://goo.gl/kliwfi Android - http://goo.gl/noN9ZJ Show Transcript: Good morning, good afternoon, and goodnight. These are the jokes for today for May 14th. In Kentucky, a woman was arrested after she stole fifteen thousand dollars worth of Girl Scout cookies -- which is about...

Duration:00:01:07

The Jokes for May 8th

5/9/2017
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Topical jokes about: A Domino's driver winning a shootout, homeless people in San Francisco, skinny French models, and how nobody dies because they don't have health care. Enjoy this deadpan comedy monologue in the style of SNL Weekend Update and Late Night with Seth Meyers. Subscribe to the Jokes for Today iTunes - http://goo.gl/kliwfi Android - http://goo.gl/noN9ZJ Show Transcript: In Idaho, a Republican congressman was booed when he told a town hall that "nobody dies because...

Duration:00:01:17

The Jokes for May 5th

5/6/2017
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Topical Jokes about: Sexually assaulting a chicken, the UK police disabling your phone, a parrot trained to give insults, a sleeping 911 dispatcher, and a priest that embezzled $500k. Subscribe to the Jokes for Today iTunes - http://goo.gl/kliwfi Android - http://goo.gl/noN9ZJ Show Transcript: Good morning, good afternoon, and goodnight. These are the jokes for today for May 5th. In Philadelphia, a priest was caught stealing a half a million dollars from his church. Parishioners...

Duration:00:01:23