Movie Improvie: The Film Repair Podcast

Sure, prisons are an inhuman and reprehensible blight on society that should be abolished; but that's only because we lock living human beings inside of them. What if instead they were just full of dead corpses? I'll tell you what then: They'd make the perfect setting for a You've Got Mail style rom-com about two guards who overcome their differences to find love, and that's what why we've transformed the John Travolta mafia garbage fire Gotti into You've Got Jail (For Dead People) staring James Marsden, Luke Evans, JB Smoove, Jackie Earle Haley, and Cobie Smulders. We also fixed the trailers for Alita: Battle Angel and Trading Paint

Yikes! We maybe picked the wrong week to post a Liam Neeson vehicle, huh? Unfortunately we had already recorded this one weeks ago, so now we're stuck with it. We turned the movie Venom into a Bring Me Back My Creature; I Wanna Smooch Me Goomonster romance about an old timey sea captain who just loves to Smooch His Goo (symbiote). It also stars Tom Hardy, Kristin Wiig, and Will Smith. Sorry!

In the long ago year of 1991, a very silly man named Robert Matthew Van Winkle, known professionally as Vanilla Ice, stared in a very silly movie called Cool As Ice, which was, to the surprise of no one, utterly terrible. And so it remained for almost thirty years, until your humble Movie Improvers came along and woke this Van Winkle up to transform his hip-hop cinema mistake into Horse Drive, a movie that is a lot like Drive except that it stars a horse that is also a motorcycle, and is also the real Hidalgo. Also starring Emily Blunt, Emily Blunt (again), and Curtis "50 Cent" Jackson. We also repaired the trailers for White Space and Tall Tales.

Hi teammates and comrades, this week the bad movie we watched was Jupiter Ascending, which we'd been led to believe was crazy-bad, and was instead just mostly boring-bad. But one thing we did like was Channing Tatum as a shirtless dog boy, so we made a whole bunch of other colorful Tatums, like otter boy Tatum, and cow boy (not cowboy) Tatum, and assembled them into the SuperSpaceTeam movie, Tatum Team Manimal Spectrum 7, starring 8 Channing Tatums. Also we fix the trailers for Detective Pikachu and Replicas

We're back at our oldest watering hole, team. We're back at the Star War Place. After spending one whole podcast series whining about how the Star War is Bad, Actually, we decided to put our lightsabers where our Sarlaacs are and actually fix one to make the rare, unseen, Good Star War. And to get there, we started with one of the worst: Solo: A Star Wars Story. And y'know we'd had sort of enough of Han LonelyGirl15, so we instead wrote A Star War Story about a stormtrooper detective investigating a bunch of creepy teddy bears in The Wicket Man: A Star Wars Story Is Born. Also we fixed the trailers for Between Worlds and Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Gribblegob

You guys know how when you watch a cartoon, you get this nagging voice in your head that says "But it should look more real!" Well our buddy Robbie Zemeckis has a solution for you, and he made a whole bunch of motion-capture animated movies for you to enjoy, you psychopath! Unfortunately, at least one of those movies was bad, 2011's Mars Needs Moms. So we fixed it up this week and finally granted Phil's wish for a Stardew Valley movie by smashing it up into Marsdew Valley: Mars Needs Farmers about a grampa leaving their grandkid his Mars farm, and that grandkid going there to smooch everyone around and also murder some Space CHUDs. Also, we fix the trailers for Speed Kills and The Quake.

HELL-oooooooo, boys and SPOOPS! Welcome to Devil's Night's Eve and the end to the Month of Spoops! We spooped ourselves again this week. With the amount of nonsense in our movie, Leprechaun 4: In Space, you'd think we would've come up with a whole bunch of wacky ideas, but nope! So we let a neural network make a title for us and came out with Boobley of the Dead: The Crooping Tomb! Because we're really trying to push our SEO to it's limits Also, we fix the trailers for Haunting of Fraternity Row and The Other Side of Heaven 2

oooOOOooOOooOOooh! Hey, did you guys know it was the Spoop Month? We did by this week so we fixed a real spooky-dookie fest -- on Phil's birthday, even! We watched Wes Craven's My Soul To Take, a not-so-terrifying tale of some stuff that happened, and we took out all the nonsensical plot twists and bashed it up into a good picture about a spooky haunted knife who possesses folks called Take My Knife, Please! Did I mention it was Phil's birthday?! Also we fixed the trailers for Escape Room and The Possession of Hannah Grace

Hello, Movie Improvers! We're back after a break while James tried to save our last recording from the dumpster fire and failed and had to go to the trash hospital to recover from his trash burns. But we came screeching back into familiar territory this week with the Nic Cage superhero flick Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance. This movie, while a delight for the comedy stylings of Mr. Cage's very sincere performance, was pretty bad. So we gave the lonely Ghost Rider some friends to hang with and made a movie about them called A Ghost Rider Elements Story: Hog Fighter (Origins), starring Kelly McDonald, Sterling K. Brown, and Nick Nolte Also we fix the trailers for Holmes & Watson and High Voltage

This week we're here to party like its 1499, cause we are repairing the criminally boring conspiracy thriller and Tom Hanks wig mistake known as The Da Vinici Code. Through the mysterious power of Cryptogeology, we transformed this airport bookstore potboiler into the erotic western masterpiece Lil' Jon's Big Rock-Hard Cowboy Adventure, staring Jamie Foxx, Ronke Adekoluejo, and T.I. We also repaired the trailers for Alright Now and Another Time.

Hello people it is your friends Bill and John here this week OH WAIT! Did we fool you with our slick textual disguise?? No? Well then we're on par with the title character of our movie this week, Val Kilmer's The Saint. In it, a spy man who steals important things puts on disguises that are 100% greasy wigs and jewelry, and 0% convincing at all, so we, Phil and James, who we actually are, threw all that out the window and actually just made a The Crow movie about a spooky Borzoi pupper avenging his spooky Goth family from some evil, evil Juggalos, and also he even gets after ICP themselves! It's our most dog-based movie yet, and it's called The Crow (Dog): Down With The Clown. Also we fixed the trailers for S.M.A.R.T. Chase and The Happytime Murders

Beep boop bloop, folks! We're back in the game zone this week, as we sat down to watch the nonsensical cyberpunk adaptation of everyone's favorite plumbing simulator, 1993's Super Mario Bros., starring Bob Hoskins and John Leguizamo. Although this movie had not one idea about anything, we had plenty of ideas for how to Improvie it, and we ended up going with a story about an ancient wacky wizard unlocked from a slumber in a Blade Runner-esque future, and we called it H.A.R.D.D. Scrabble's Magic Scramble, starring Gemma Forbes and Mike Epps! Also we fixed the trailer for Viking Destiny, and though we didn't fix the trailer for Boar, we did make it a nice companion piece to be friends with!

Welp gang it happened again. We watched Dracula 3000, a movie that wasn't just bad, it was super duper racist and sexist also. So we just launched that trash fire right out the space airlock and reconstructed a brand new movie in it's place: Space Wolf: Too Many Moons, the tragic story of a werewolf astronaut who keeps murdering her crew because of all those moons up in space, starring Uzo Aduba. We also fixed the trailers for A Wizard's Tale and Aquaman

We finally done did it, gang. Despite Mae's off-mic protests that it's perfect and doesn't need to change at all, Phil and James sat down to fix the infamous 90-minute McDonald's commercial Mac and Me, and y'know the whole McDonaldsyness of it got us thinking about hey what if other fast food folks had their own movies? So we honored the great Dal Popehands and his classic fast food chain Popeye's Chicken, by making a movie where he's played by Jeff Goldblum as a mad scientist who puts chicken skin where folks' faces should be. Also we fix the trailers for Nutcracker: The Four Realms and Along Came The Devil

They say that one man's trash is another man's treasure, and this week we've transformed Roland Emmerich's trash movie Godzilla (1998) into the beautiful treasure kaiju heist flick One Big Job, staring Melissa McCarthy, Sam Neil, and David Spade. We also fixed the trailers for Christopher Robin and Urban Country and dive into Jame's strange and elaborate hoagie addiction.

Guys, sometimes it's hard fixin' movies. Cuz how do you fix a movie whose only real crime is its intense and revolting homophobia? We sat down to watch Wild Hogs this week, with John Travolta and Tim Allen, expecting a return to normalcy after the heights of lunacy that were Digimon and Highlander, and instead we got a bunch of old straight white men getting offended that some folks might think for one single second that they're gay. So we just took all those nasty boys right out of there and made a movie called The Greatest Penetration, starring Cloris Leachman, Angela Lansbury, and Kim Novak, about a group of elderly women discovering their sexuality and making bank as they discover late in life their calling as camgirls! It's all body and sex positivity in this one, y'all! Also we fix the trailers for Second Act and The Package

Welp. It happened. We broke ourselves. In hindsight, it would've been smart to take a break from madness after the incomprehensibility of Highlander 2, but nope! We doubled down into the insanity by watching Digimon The Movie, an utter mess of a film, made up of the scraps and bits of three shorter films that madmen Frankenstein's Monster-ed together. In this movie, we saw the beginning and end of time, our own deaths, and also a bunch of really really awful "jokes," so all of our ideas this week went some pretty dark places. But not to fear! Unlike with Highlander 2, we actually managed to fix the movul this time, by flippin' the ol' scrip and making Anamon: Analog Monsters, about a gross man who fills a bunch of puppets with meat, brings em to life, and then gives them to children! We also fix the trailers for Wonder Park and Goosebumps 2

Oh jeez gang, we tackled a doozy this week, and it might've gotten the better of us. Phil and James took a gander at [one of the four versions of] Highlander 2, a universally despised, 0% Rotten Tomatoes score-having, piece of trash of a movie, and it made exactly as much sense as we predicted: none at all. As a result, that lack of sense permeated all of our ideas for it too, and not one of them was a workable film. So, again this week, we instead took our idea from a trailer, for Kevin Sorbo's newest Jesus strokefest, Let There Be Light, and turned it into God's Not Dead 2bular, a sort of Weekend-at-Bernie's situation but with Jesus this time! We also attempted to fix the trailer for the new Grinch movie, but man it might also have been too bad to fix.

Daaa daa da daaaa da da da da da da daaaaa daaaa! Hm, what's that? You can't hear the pitch I hear in my head for those da da da's? Well guess what, they were the President Theme Song, because we're getting aaaallllll kinds of presidential this week while we fix James' most favoritest awful film, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. James brought some good ideas to the table this week, but Phil brought... THE CREATION. A magical device that just spits out titles for some wonderful president movies that led to the creation of John Tyler: Goblin Helper, a story about America's first, worst, and last goblin president, and the Secret 50 Amendments to the US Constitution that you've never even heard of before, starring Benedict Cumberbatch, Gina Rodriguez, Natalie Portman, and a whole grip of folks from Insidious: The Last Key playing goblins. We also fix the trailers for Race 3 and The Nun

Guys, let's rap. Sometimes we fix movies here that are just giant lit on fire trash piles and we gotta put out the fire and dig out the gold bars buried under the trash, with our bare hands. Other times, we fix a movie that's maybe just got a little bit of shit on it's face, and that's the case here cuz we fixed Monkeybone, a very very almost-good movie with Brendan Fraser, Bridget Fonda, and Chris Kattan. But with help from our special guest, Executive Producer Maegan Stressman, your Movie Improvers™ Phil and James gave it the little nudge it needed to become Fuckenskylar, a beautiful love story about a smart goth science queen who brings her hot dead idiot boyfriend back from the grave to bone him some more, starring Lizzie Kaplan, Kristen Schaal, Miles Teller, Michael B. Jordan, and John Cena. We also fixed the trailers for Occupation and The Yellow Birds