
ManApePig
Bartrolomew McInncel
My cheapskate girlfriend got us a "discount" couple's massage and we had to go to this one man and woman's house who looked like the two bad guys from Home Alone.
The short little husband guy did my massage. He had like 58 times more oil than was necessary on his hands and they were all grotesquely soft. So, when he did your massage it just felt like someone was squishing a bunch of mashed potatoes all over you.
And then he kept cracking his knuckles the whole time... as if it was adding something sensual to the experience. But it just felt like a bunch of carrots breaking.
It was revolting.
But I didn't wanna disappoint my girlfriend. So, I just kept lying there, face down in that slop.
Oh, and of course they were playing some like, weird, silence of the lambs music.
So, I was just lying there listening to that... trying not to inhale their incense... which of course smelled like a bunch of amputated civil war feet. ... being incinerated.
Oh, and they made us sign a waiver too. ... that said we understood it wasn't a sexual experience. So, my girlfriend just drew a little frowny face next to that part.
:(
Awwwwww...
Shucks. We were hoping Harry and Marv would be down for some role play. I could play that one old guy who smashes'm in the face with a snow shovel.
"Come 'ere, you naughty bandits..."
Oh, sht, I'm supposed to be telling you about this book. Uhhhh... okay. So. Once we understand where we originally came from, we can finally resolve the mysteries of our condition. We can become smarter, faster, stronger, healthier, more youthful, more vibrant, longer living, emotionally blissful, psychologically harmonized, romantically successful, and we can even become FOUR times wealthier. What?!?! Yep. But you'll never know the secrets unless you read about it. ... So, you better!
... or else.
Or else I'll tell Harry and Marv where to find you.
Duration - 21h 42m.
Author - Bartrolomew McInncel.
Narrator - Bart McInncel.
Published Date - Sunday, 01 January 2023.
Copyright - © 2021 Israel Henthorn ©.
Location:
United States
Description:
My cheapskate girlfriend got us a "discount" couple's massage and we had to go to this one man and woman's house who looked like the two bad guys from Home Alone. The short little husband guy did my massage. He had like 58 times more oil than was necessary on his hands and they were all grotesquely soft. So, when he did your massage it just felt like someone was squishing a bunch of mashed potatoes all over you. And then he kept cracking his knuckles the whole time... as if it was adding something sensual to the experience. But it just felt like a bunch of carrots breaking. It was revolting. But I didn't wanna disappoint my girlfriend. So, I just kept lying there, face down in that slop. Oh, and of course they were playing some like, weird, silence of the lambs music. So, I was just lying there listening to that... trying not to inhale their incense... which of course smelled like a bunch of amputated civil war feet. ... being incinerated. Oh, and they made us sign a waiver too. ... that said we understood it wasn't a sexual experience. So, my girlfriend just drew a little frowny face next to that part. :( Awwwwww... Shucks. We were hoping Harry and Marv would be down for some role play. I could play that one old guy who smashes'm in the face with a snow shovel. "Come 'ere, you naughty bandits..." Oh, sht, I'm supposed to be telling you about this book. Uhhhh... okay. So. Once we understand where we originally came from, we can finally resolve the mysteries of our condition. We can become smarter, faster, stronger, healthier, more youthful, more vibrant, longer living, emotionally blissful, psychologically harmonized, romantically successful, and we can even become FOUR times wealthier. What?!?! Yep. But you'll never know the secrets unless you read about it. ... So, you better! ... or else. Or else I'll tell Harry and Marv where to find you. Duration - 21h 42m. Author - Bartrolomew McInncel. Narrator - Bart McInncel. Published Date - Sunday, 01 January 2023. Copyright - © 2021 Israel Henthorn ©.
Language:
English
Opening Credits
Duration:00:00:14
Dedication
Duration:00:00:13
Prologue
Duration:00:00:57
Chapter 1 guy with a little grapefruit head
Duration:00:04:30
Chapter 2 we don't take kindly 'round heeyuh
Duration:00:17:36
Chapter 3 come at me bro
Duration:00:10:10
Chapter 4 nose underwater and liars in the scis
Duration:00:31:10
Chapter 5 mother nature wants to see you naked
Duration:00:31:59
Chapter 6 bluffy the vampire faker
Duration:00:56:58
Chapter 7 brainghis khan
Duration:00:20:48
Chapter 8 mama's good intelligence and daddy's lots of monkey
Duration:00:56:54
Chapter 9 we still don't know why humans have chins
Duration:00:27:00
Chapter 10 take the candy but don't get in the savannah
Duration:00:20:16
Chapter 11 don't spear the reaper
Duration:00:13:26
Chapter 12 swaying to the chimpanzee of destruction
Duration:00:29:20
Chapter 13 meet the sprintstones they're a modern stone age bullshit fantasy
Duration:00:10:01
Chapter 14 set phasers to dumb
Duration:00:09:03
Chapter 15 more doctors trust their family's health to landers brand cigarettes
Duration:00:22:40
Chapter 16 all that and a bag of dicks
Duration:00:29:14
Chapter 17 to infinity and your mom
Duration:00:46:38
Chapter 18 let's end this train rekt
Duration:00:03:13
Chapter 19 dream a little dream
Duration:00:04:14
Chapter 19 ¾ part 1 (1 of 2) the power of the bark side
Duration:01:03:16
Chapter 19 ¾ part 1 (2 of 2) the power of the bark side
Duration:01:10:11
Chapter 19 ¾ part 2 sheep dogs for being the sheep, not for chasing them
Duration:01:16:11
Chapter 19 ¾ part 3 (1 of 2) barkological children
Duration:00:48:24
Chapter 19 ¾ part 3 (2 of 2) barkological children
Duration:00:55:32
Ending Credits
Duration:00:00:45