A Thousand Tiny Steps

As Memorial Day is upon us, it made me think back to the CrossFit workouts I’ve done in honor of people that have died. That’s what I love about CrossFit. It is not just a workout, it’s about community and supporting one another. In this episode, I look back on the heroes in my life and contemplate what commemorating someone really does. Key Takeaways: [2:00] Struggling in the month of May and a turning point [4:04] Books I’m reading [8:17] The importance of Memorial Day and CrossFit [10:25] The hero workout, Murf [13:38] The article I wrote for Memorial Day [17:49] Finding community to help me through trauma [18:39] Finding the meaning in life [21:14] The workout that was made in Molly’s honor [23:26] Pondering what fighting for freedom really is [24:13] The heroes in my life and commemorating my child [26:01] What is your community? Resources: Soul Boom Deliver Me From Nowhere The article I wrote on Murf The article I wrote on Blake Connect with Barb: Website Facebook Instagram Be a guest on the podcast YouTube The Molly B Foundation

As I wade through death week, I reflect on my grief, how it’s changed and what’s next for the podcast. The podcast has allowed me to work on healing myself and now it’s also going to be a space for other people to share their stories. If you would like to be a guest on the show, please fill out the guest form in the show notes. Key Takeaways: [1:14] Being angry during death week [3:44] Learning more about hormones and trauma [6:43] Feeling like I killed Molly [9:08] Learning from looking back on my life [10:56] My life growing up [13:17] What’s next for the podcast [17:26] Talking about child abuse, chronic pain, and more [22:40] Grief and child loss will be a huge focus [24:15] Learning ways to be grateful [25:43] Working to heal myself [27:13] Life updates and coaching CrossFit Resources: Get Better Girl Guest Form Connect with Barb: Website Facebook Instagram Be a guest on the podcast YouTube The Molly B Foundation

I have been working to find gratitude in everything I do, even when life feels terrible. Finding the good in tragedy has always been something I’m good at and I’m only trying to do that more everyday. In this episode, I contemplate how my life could have been different had I made different choices and the gratitude I feel now. Key Takeaways: [1:06] An important quote on gratitude [3:19] Having gratitude for the 2000s [5:00] I’m grateful that I was able to spend time with my kids [6:42] Working at VLACs and having a flexible schedule [8:17] Finding such empowerment in CrossFit [9:13] The people I’ve met through CrossFit [11:10] The flip side of wanting to rewind time [12:00] The things that wouldn’t of happened without meeting Roy [13:36] Wanting to go back in time to have a do-over [15:29] Realizing I need to open up by doing this podcast [17:50] I wonder how my life could have been different [18:59] I should feel grateful all the time [20:40] Looking to the future of the podcast Resources: Homeless to Harvard Case 63 podcast Label Free Podcast Connect with Barb: Website Facebook Instagram YouTube The Molly B Foundation

In this episode, I look back on the podcast interviews I’ve had and the amazing people I’ve met along the way in my grief journey. It’s interesting to see what people remain and the ones who do not as I grieve. I think the most important thing I’ve learned is that helping others is sometimes the best thing I can do for my grief. Key Takeaways: [2:57] What is the universe trying to tell me? [5:45] Being on the Shenanigans podcast [6:27] Christine, a wonderful mother also in grief [7:34] Being on the Vintage Mamas podcast [8:45] Connecting with other women entrepreneurs [9:20] Sharing my experience being an older mother [10:37] Having wonderful, funny conversations with hosts [12:27] Talking to men about mental health and grief [13:45] The powerful podcasts I’ve been listening to [15:38] People don’t understand how to be supportive in grief [17:04] People have tried to silence me [18:04] The amazing people I’ve met in grief [19:32] Helping others is sometimes the best thing to do [22:00] Feeling lost on where to go from here Resources: Shenanigans Why Not Devin? Vintage Mama podcast Legends and Legacies Things that Make You Go… Mmm Label Free Podcast Introducing Me I Didn’t Sign Up For This Kintsugi Heroes Project Three Siblings The Last Day Flowers By The Nest Ellie’s Way OK Yup Get Ready To Crumbl Karen Kenney Show The CrossFit Lady Connect with Barb: Website Facebook Instagram YouTube The Molly B Foundation

As my relationship with Roy ended I mourned that I never received closure from it. I sometimes saw him as a thorny lifeline. I saw the women he dated throughout the years and maintained contact with him until another restraining order came into the picture. Key Takeaways: [3:23] Not getting closure from my relationship [5:20] Meeting Roy for lunch [8:23] Roy’s relationship with Lori [10:06] Pulling the dead kid card [12:57] Roy didn’t want anyone knowing about us [14:31] Looking at Roy as a lifeline [17:38] Being able to talk to Kenny without judgment [19:02] Hearing about the women Roy was dating [21:59] Starting the IVF process and talking about having kids [25:15] I just wanted closure [26:48] Nasty emails between us [28:41] The restraining order [33:14] Just wanting to be a good mother [35:09] Where my life is at Connect with Barb: Website Facebook Instagram YouTube The Molly B Foundation

After Molly’s death I was a disastrous mess. I was struggling with alcohol and drugs and at the same time dealing with the lawsuit. I had to deal with Roy moving on, dating someone new, and the different realities that he seemed to present to everyone around him. Key Takeaways: [5:43] The first actual breakup of Roy and I [7:22] Being a disastrous mess grieving Molly [9:57] Having a huge fear of losing Roy [12:29] Kenny, Gracie, and I all struggled in our grief [15:36] Kenny and Roy not liking each other [18:17] Roy wanted me to leave Kenny [21:53] Roy deleted me from his FaceBook [23:44] Roy went out with a new woman [26:37] I feel like Roy orchestrated this situation [30:50] Wendy and I had these different realities of Roy [32:44] I didn’t have this big happy family [34:26] Roy wouldn't take me to the beach, but he took his new girlfriend [37:05] I was struggling as Roy made his relationship FaceBook official [40:25] I would love to get closure [41:31] The lawsuit was ramping up [42:55] The triangulation in my life [45:00] Opening myself up for criticism Resources: The Body Keeps the Score The Mountain is You POWER Book Connect with Barb: Website Facebook Instagram YouTube The Molly B Foundation

The 2 weeks before Molly died was rough - to say the least. I debated if I was going to go to Amsterdam with Roy. I told Doug I was quitting my job and got him out of my life. I disappointed my kids and argued with Kenny. Each one of these choices proved to be life changing. In this episode, I explore the sadness and self-hatred I have in the aftermath. Key Takeaways: [5:08] Molly and Gracie’s dance competition [7:20] Molly doing theater and the headaches getting worse [8:14] Doug kept piling extra work on me [9:29] Doug wouldn’t stop texting me while I was with Roy [11:06] Doug kept wanting to drink tons of alcohol with me [12:13] Spending time with Doug instead of my kids [13:36] Triangulation and narcissism in my life [17:12] Telling Doug I quit [17:54] Arguing with Roy about going to Amsterdam [21:20] Doug going on a rampage, Molly getting sick, and tough choices [23:18] I still have so much sadness and self-hatred [24:06] The doctor saying Molly had an eating disorder [25:00] I got a passport, but also planned to not go to Amsterdam [25:32] Telling my kids I was going to Amsterdam [27:59] Molly and Gracie were not happy I was leaving [30:12] Going to the airport with Roy [32:36] Enjoying my time in Amsterdam, but arguing with Roy [33:44] Suddenly feeling like something is deeply wrong [36:07] Staying with Roy an extra night would be a regret [37:33] Waking up to 65 texts about Molly being sick [39:11] Molly not waking up [41:03] Telling Roy that Molly’s dead [42:36] I blocked Doug and didn’t contact him [43:01] Roy apologized to Molly [44:23] Looking back and feeling insulted [45:14] Robin supported me while Molly was dying [46:48] Arguing with Kenny during that week [49:10] Looking back on my choices Resources: POWER Book Connect with Barb: Website Facebook Instagram YouTube The Molly B Foundation

My life was falling into chaos as I fell deeper into a convoluted relationship with Doug, was on and off again with Roy, and reconnected with Robin. I worked crazy hours, missed events, and was deeply wrapped up in these relationships. While all this was happening Molly was getting sicker, but the doctor’s wouldn’t do a scan. Key Takeaways: [4:27] Writing my book [7:12] Getting fired from my job [10:06] Doug kept showing up [12:38] Working crazy hours, missing CrossFit, coming home late [14:28] Kenny and I still not getting along [15:18] Thinking Molly just had migraines [17:05] Being drunk and angry with Doug [19:34] Bring back and forth with Roy again [20:43] Gracie and Molly did not want to spend time with Roy [26:11] Molly’s head being in agonizing pain and the doctor’s not doing a scan [28:49] Doug kept reaching out to Roy [31:00] Hating the chaos of my life [33:46] Starting my relationship with Robin again Resources: Sixth Sense Movie Speech I gave Connect with Barb: Website Facebook Instagram YouTube The Molly B Foundation

In the summer of 2015, I met a man named Doug who changed my life for the worse. My relationship with him made me feel chaotic and like I was uninvolved in the lives of others around me. It took time away from my family right as Molly began to get sick. In this episode, I look back on how I got sucked into this relationship and the lasting impacts it had on my life. Key Takeaways: [3:34] The summer of 2015 was like a tsunami [5:52] Molly and Gracie were growing up [7:30] Meeting Doug changed my life for the worse [9:49] Doug followed me everywhere and convinced me to work for him [14:25] Doug took time away from my family [19:17] Roy got mad I was texting Doug [21:14] Feeling chaotic and uninvolved in my own life [23:57] Doug kept inappropriately reaching out to people in my life [25:57] Molly began to say she wasn’t feeling well [28:01] Spending time with Roy and Kenney and I are unhappy [29:36] Wondering how I could of made these choices [32:20] Not thinking much of Molly’s headaches Connect with Barb: Website Facebook Instagram YouTube The Molly B Foundation

My life felt like it was exploding as I was living 3 major life crises: Roy, Robin, and Kenney. They were all happening at once. My social life imploded and became non-existent, Roy and I “broke up” and got back together, and Kenney moved into an apartment. As I look back on these years I just feel terrible as I ended up repeating patterns from my childhood. Key Takeaways: [2:20] Living these two different lives [4:11] Robin wanted me to only like the people she liked [5:31] Being busy 7 days a week [8:08] Getting divorced and seeing Roy all the time [10:08] Roy always being friends with women and me not reacting well [12:09] Living 3 lives: Roy, Kenney, and Robin [14:18] Robin and I shared the same social circle [16:55] I felt like my life was exploding [20:12] Kenney tried to drag me down the stairs [23:19] Kenney moved into an apartment an hour away [25:57] Robin ending our friendship and losing my social life [33:03] Roy came to my house and dumped my things out [36:09] Roy and I’s relationship “ended” and we went skydiving [39:48] Gracie remembers this time as a happy one [41:24] Repeating things from my childhood Connect with Barb: Website Facebook Instagram YouTube The Molly B Foundation

In the time leading up to Molly's death, I had a tumultuous relationship with Roy that was on again, off again. This created chaos in my life as I was finally becoming financially stable, finding hobbies I enjoyed, and trying to give my daughters a good life. As I look back on it all, I realize I was recreating childhood trauma. Key Takeaways: [1:39] Spring and Easter are difficult now that Molly died [3:29] Finishing my book and remodeling my house [4:36] The school district has changed for the better [6:45] What I was accused of by Chris Rath [8:07] Being conflicted about resigning from teaching [10:28] Being on edge and keeping my schedule chaotic [11:58] Molly and Gracie stressed out about fitting in [14:43] Molly and Gracie had wonderful friends at dance [18:19] Financially my life was getting more stable [19:34] Having an on again, off again relationship with Roy [21:31] We all tried to get restraining orders against one another [23:33] Never having communication with Roy [25:45] My daughters weren’t comfortable with Roy [26:54] I ended up just recreating my childhood [29:47] Kenney and I divorced, but live together [30:41] Positive things happened in my life as well [33:06] What next episode will be about Resources: The Grief Refuge Patch Articles Connect with Barb: Website Facebook Instagram YouTube The Molly B Foundation

In 2011, I was working a million jobs just trying to pay the mortgage and keep busy. I was spending time with Roy where I could and a lot of our time spent together was spent dealing with court hearings. As that was going on I started CrossFit, our house almost went to auction, and Kenney got sicker and sicker. It was a whirlwind, before it would all come crashing down. Key Takeaways: [5:05] Working at Flips with Robin and Skye [8:33] Keeping my life open for Roy to be in it [11:29] Being harassed and getting a restraining order [14:12] Spending a lot of time in court with Roy [16:03] Struggling financially, but it slowly getting better [17:45] Arguing with Kenney and regrets [18:47] Arguing with Roy and then it was like it never happened [20:59] Starting CrossFit and finding community [24:29] My friendship with Robin could be toxic [26:17] Our house almost went up for auction [27:44] Kenney was getting sicker and sicker [29:43] Having this very busy life Connect with Barb: Website Facebook Instagram YouTube The Molly B Foundation

I attract people with narcissistic tendencies like flies. All my relationships have common themes in them and follow me everywhere: my romantic relationships, my jobs, the school board. These relationships heavily impacted my life as I dealt with death and trying to adjust to losing my job. Key Takeaways: [2:01] My friend Tom passed away [5:34] Feeling pulled on by both sides [7:09] Restraining orders and Chris Rath [9:35] People around me with narcissistic tendencies [11:43] Death continues to devastate me [13:18] Finishing my book and doing CrossFit [16:29] Narcissistic tendencies in my relationship with Roy [19:15] Chris Rath and the school board [21:11] Trying to decide what to do with my life and Roy [24:42] Teachers being harassed and the support they receive [29:40] In 2011, I started a job at an online school [30:52] My friends stopped talking to me and my kids [33:26] Meeting Robin, getting a new job, and getting sucked in [35:01] My life changed so drastically Resources: POWER Book Connect with Barb: Website Facebook Instagram YouTube The Molly B Foundation

Losing my job was devastating and I had to pick up my life piece by piece. I worked a million jobs, spent tons of time with my daughters, and navigated a tricky relationship. I was left with many feelings when I felt like no one in my life supported me and everyone wanted me to resign. It has made me look back on this time and the regrets I have. Key Takeaways: [3:33] None of my coworkers supported me [4:30] I ended up resigning to keep my insurance and pay [5:53] Being accused of doing everything wrong as a teacher [8:31] My lawyer was not helpful and told me to resign [9:40] The agenda that Chris Rath had and how she shifted things [14:50] Resigning and not fighting against it [16:48] Chris Rath made the people around her do what she wanted [17:35] Getting my belongings and leaving the building [19:51] Putting my life together piece by piece [21:58] Roy telling me he can’t do our relationship anymore [24:22] Spending a ton of time with my daughters [26:47] Getting a restraining order [28:18] I kept saying yes to things I shouldn’t have [30:37] Working multiple jobs, trying to stay afloat, relationship drama [32:52] Looking back on my regrets Resources: Patch Articles Connect with Barb: Website Facebook Instagram YouTube The Molly B Foundation

Between July to November of 2010 I was constantly called into meetings for misbehavior in my job and was suspended. I never went back to teaching. Constantly being harassed, freezing at all the wrong moments, and dealing with a complex relationship outside of school made it a dark time in my life. In this episode, I look back on the manipulation in my life and how it led me to never teach for the district again. Key Takeaways: [5:44] Going from being successful to having a stressful life [7:10] The reality of Roy’s life [9:07] School buildings being torn down and fighting it [11:59] Freezing, crying, and being told I could be fired [15:33] Being told I should take the season off from coaching [17:09] People being shocked I took off from coaching [18:09] Trying to do perfectly everyday in fear of being fired [20:30] Being harassed by the PE teachers and teacher aide [23:22] Constantly getting called down for meetings [24:53] My last day of teaching [27:18] My thoughts looking back on the situation [29:43] Men and women treated differently Resources: Label Free Introducing Me Women in Good Company Connect with Barb: Website Facebook Instagram YouTube The Molly B Foundation

As my life financially kept getting worse, I began a relationship with Roy. Itt had amazing times, but was also filled with gaslighting and love bombing. I debated leaving my marriage, thinking about my kids, and how my life could have alternatively happened. As all this was happening, things finally blew up with my husband and it felt like my entire world was crumbling down. Key Takeaways: [3:41] Struggling financially and spending a lot of time working [4:32] Trauma bonding with others [6:06] Canceling everything to talk to Roy [8:04] Spending more time with Roy and the terrible comments [9:40] Social media disaster and being angry with Roy [10:54] Starting to get wrapped up in a life with him [12:32] Starting a romantic relationship with him [14:29] I think Amy and Roy shared a lot with one another [15:37] Neglecting my life to spend time with Roy [16:59] I didn’t want to leave my marriage [19:09] Struggling to decide to end my marriage and be with Roy [21:23] Roy preferred things a certain way and we argued [23:36] He spent a lot of time on the phone with other women [24:47] Trying to get a restraining order against Amy’s boyfriend [27:05] Going skiing, it being wonderful but there were red flags [31:28] Roy not being grateful for the gift I got him [32:54] Being yelled at and not communicating [32:48] Our second big fight: choosing music in the car [36:31] Visiting my biological dad in person for the last time [37:31] Things officially blowing up with Kenny [39:51] Testifying in court for Roy [40:51] Complaints at school were being made [43:25] Helping Roy talk to his children again [45:24] Going from being on top of the world to it tumbling down Connect with Barb: Website Facebook Instagram YouTube The Molly B Foundation

As I started my sabbatical professionally things were going great. I connected with the children and created a curriculum that I was proud of. My relationship with Amy and her family was dwindling, when Roy came back into the picture and it turned my world upside down. In this episode, I go through a series of conflicting emotions and what was truly the calm before the storm. Key Takeaways: [3:43] What I wanted to achieve on my sabbatical [5:48] Amy’s utter devotion to her relationship over her children [7:31] The changes I saw in Teresa [8:37] The work I did on my sabbatical integrating mind, body, and soul [11:06] School drop off and a deteriorating relationship with Amy [14:55] Having less interaction with Teresa [16:33] Pulling away from Amy and a flurry of emails [19:13] Staying on sabbatical longer and conflicted emotions [21:20] Having a wonderful track season and vacation [23:39] Morgan and Teresea being moved abruptly [24:24] Searching for Roy on Facebook and talking to him [31:30] Being able to have a little contact with Teresa again [32:48] Meeting Roy for a drink and discussing our lives [36:15] Roy invited my sister for dinner which was upset about Resources: Vintage Mamas Connect with Barb: Website Facebook Instagram YouTube The Molly B Foundation

The tension was starting to become overwhelming when a restraining order came into play. Amy and I both pulled away from our friendship and I had our children separated in class. The stress permeated every aspect of my life as the situation became worse and worse. In this episode, I look back on how the restraining order was used and the impact it left. Key Takeaways: [3:44] Amy’s strong desire to cling to me [6:25] Roy oversharing with Teresa [10:10] Pulling back from my relationship with Amy [12:32] Amy obtaining a restraining order and Roy finding out [15:31] Going to court and Roy not fighting the restraining order [18:07] Amy pulled away from me and disappeared for hours at a time [22:54] Working with Amy and feeling left with a knot in my stomach [24:59] Meeting Amy’s new boyfriend [26:11] Reality started to click in about the situation [29:17] I asked for Morgan and Gracie to be in separate classrooms [31:41] Starting my sabbatical, stressful times, and looking back [33:54] Thinking about how my life could have been different Connect with Barb: Website Facebook Instagram YouTube The Molly B Foundation

As the situation with Amy escalated and I tried to step back, my life felt like it was a dumpster on fire. My household finances were a mess and I was constantly being pulled into 50 different directions. As I learned more about the situation, I felt more and more needed by Amy and the situation quickly started tumbling downwards. Key Takeaways: [4:19] Constantly being called by Amy on the phone [9:04] Applying for my sabbatical [10:50] Struggling with financials and the IRS [14:29] How Gracie and Morgan played together [17:17] Boundary crossing and alarms bells ringing [22:11] Starting my sabbatical on health [22:55] Gracie walked to the YMCA by herself and a panic attack [24:27] Amy having surgery, increasing needs, and stress [27:51] Starting to learn more about Amy’s and Roy’s relationship [31:48] The situation was escalating and trying to step away [38:41] Looking back on the experience Connect with Barb: Website Facebook Instagram YouTube The Molly B Foundation

My first 2 years of my friendship with Amy were a gift, but I didn’t know how it would change the trajectory of my life. We truly did click as friends as our friendship was largely centered around motherhood. But our communication styles and how we lived our lives separated us. In this episode, I explore how a relationship changed my life and drove my other friends away. Key Takeaways: [2:04] Staying in abusive relationships [5:57] My friendship with Amy was centered around our kids [8:30] Struggling financially, but not knowing how bad it was [10:10] It was like Amy had two different personalities [11:40] Being called a compulsive liar [12:42] Helping one another with birthdays and having fun [14:53] Birthdays should be about the child, not the adult [16:38] Differences between Amy and my religion [18:33] Letting Amy jump over my boundaries [20:23] Our communication styles differed [21:20] The boat and Amy dropping off her children unannounced [23:55] My life was rapidly changing especially in my career [25:51] All my friendships became strained, but I was blind to it [27:06] Amy appeared like didn’t want to be with her kids and consent [28:24] The first 2 years my friendship with Amy was a gift [30:43] How my perception has changed all these years later Resources: The Secret Life of Bees Connect with Barb: Website Facebook Instagram YouTube The Molly B Foundation