A Thousand Tiny Steps

The emotional bittersweetness of holding the physical copy of my book, Motherland in my hands is real. My friend Vinny who was a huge support to me during the time of losing Molly has died and he will never get to read the book. So I read the chapter from my book that has to do with Vinnie and I hope that it sits with you. Key Takeaways: [1:26] The physical copy of my book is intense [2:54] Everytime I read the book, I’m right back in my memories [3:52] Vinnie’s support group saved me [5:49] Vinnie’s whole family going through tremendous loss [9:18] Chapter 32 of my book, ‘My Perfect Island’ [19:37] Just let me cry as a person in grief [20:47] The book details [21:57] What are your thoughts on death? Resources: Barbara Bush on her Child Connect with Barb: Website Facebook Instagram Be a guest on the podcast YouTube The Molly B Foundation

Seeing Bruce Springsteen in concert was life changing, but it has differed since I was in my early twenties. When I was at the concert all the memories of my life came rushing back and it’s crazy to think that I am in a very different stage of life than I used to be. In this episode, I contemplate how the arts make an impact on children. Key Takeaways: [2:38] I first saw Bruce when I was 21 [3:25] Going to a concert sober made me feel excluded [6:52] Bruce still has so much energy and told such good stories [9:16] When I first saw Bruce with Kenney, I had lost my baby [11:13] Every one of Bruce’s songs tells a story [15:05] Bruce ended up living this very normal life [17:08] All the people at the concert were old [18:59] Death within the band and how it’s changed over time [21:09] Realizing we’re both in a different stage of life now [22:12] After Molly died I was anxious to go to a concert [23:28] Conversations with Molly give me chills leading up to her death [25:13] I mourn for what ‘should’ have happened in my life [26:31] Seeing the true impact of the arts on children in my life Connect with Barb: Website Facebook Instagram Be a guest on the podcast YouTube The Molly B Foundation

August has always held significance to me as a time to return to school. As the seasons change though it makes me relive unpleasant memories and deal with the fact that I’m not teaching anymore. As I go through these times, I dive into Native American culture surrounding wellness during the season change. Key Takeaways: [1:11] The seasonal changes bring unpleasant memories [2:40] Creating ways for a change to be positive [4:25] Telling my mother I had been abused [6:36] Getting into teaching and stability, but then losing my job [9:45] What Molly loved about back to school [11:47] Prioritizing the MollyB Foundation [14:06] Redoing the kitchen brings me grief [18:03] Native American culture and seasonal meanings [20:42] Using change to heal through wellbriety [29:20] Jack loves to watch dancers and connects with the music [32:56] Gracie working to return to Disney and parenting styles [34:44] I feel like I’m making progress and becoming focused Resources: Designs By Taylor Connect with Barb: Website Facebook Instagram Be a guest on the podcast YouTube The Molly B Foundation

As I took Gracie to another Disney audition and listened to her contemplate her goals, I began to contemplate my own. I don’t want to settle in my life and I’m trying to find ways to make the non-profit, my book, and my business work. In this episode, I dive into goal setting, not getting stuck in my ways, and the power of perseverance. Key Takeaways: [1:11] Gracie’s first audition with Disney and doing their college program [3:51] Gracie’s next Disney audition was tough [5:52] Being supportive of her and helping her realize her goals [12:30] Complaining, not setting goals, and being stuck [16:49] Breaking 5 minutes in the mile, but slipping back to party Barb [18:13] Applying for my sabbatical because I wanted more from life [21:48] I don’t want to settle or muddle through my life [23:30] Learning to say no to things and making small changes [24:34] Helping others make lifestyle changes [27:29] Taking action instead of just thinking about it [29:37] Learning to stick with things Connect with Barb: Website Facebook Instagram Be a guest on the podcast YouTube The Molly B Foundation

I recently had a CrossFit competition and what really stuck out to me was the fact that everyone had completely different body types and yet, we were all competing. I feel like CrossFit is just such an accepting place. I have seen classes for kids and the elderly and it makes me thrilled that such diverse people get to experience this. Key Takeaways: [0:48] Body image for women in CrossFit [4:26] CrossFit competition with people half my age [6:29] How women’s bodies are “supposed” to look [8:18] Being thankful for my body [10:25] Gender norms of boys and girls [15:28] Coaching an exercise class for kids and elderly people [18:12] CrossFit is such an accepting place [20:38] My kitchen is getting redone, but change is difficult [24:08] What’s next for me Resources: Designs By Taylor Connect with Barb: Website Facebook Instagram Be a guest on the podcast YouTube The Molly B Foundation

I gave a speech for RB Productions 20th anniversary and it made me reflect on what the arts can do to transform children’s lives. It makes me think about how the arts have changed my life as well and the changes I’m making from writing a book to working on my non-profit. Key Takeaways: [1:33] Working on my nervous system [3:59] What RB Productions did for Molly [5:03] Auditioning for Mary Poppins and trying to survive [10:49] The beginning of RB Productions [13:14] My speech for RB Productions [16:54] I want to expand access to the arts in my community [18:33] All the emotional progress I’ve made over time [20:58] How people saw Molly versus how she was [23:05] Doing an interview for my book [24:21] Getting a degree in arts integration education [26:10] Supporting RB Productions Resources: RB Productions Connect with Barb: Website Facebook Instagram Be a guest on the podcast YouTube The Molly B Foundation

My guest, Jennifer Lanie is a Functional Diagnostic Nutrition Practitioner who helps people have better health through what they eat. By using lab tests that you can’t get at the doctor’s she helps you do a deep dive into your health which is inspired by her own lifelong chronic illnesses. Jennifer continually gets up again as she goes through divorce, career changes, illness, and financial ruin. Key Takeaways: [2:09] The start of Jenn’s chronic pain with endometriosis [4:10] Changing paths because she had no energy [6:53] Becoming a teacher, taking a pay cut, and working non-stop [10:32] Getting diagnosed with lupus and medications didn’t help [13:39] Going to a naturopath who changed her life [14:37] Doctors managing symptoms, not the root cause [16:21] Leaving her violent ex, but I ended up going back [18:23] Finding CrossFit and becoming an instructor [20:41] Her Ex-husband being very controlling [22:57] Being constantly sick with lupus [26:16] Ex-husband leaving and making a life for herself [32:09] Moving to Florida, but ending with filing for bankruptcy [35:20] Covid happening, moving, and getting lyme disease [37:58] Having terrible symptoms and then finding functional nutrition [40:51] Realizing how stress impacted Jenn over the years [46:07] How these lab tests are more than what you'll get at the doctor’s [51:42] How cortisol impacts your immune system [53:21] Realizing I need more meditation and yoga [55:59] Slowing down her life and finding self acceptance was difficult [59:19] Finding what she was meant to do all along [1:02] My health journey with Jenn and making life changes [1:06] Emotional attachment to food Resources: Work with Jennifer - The Get Better Girl Connect with Barb: Website Facebook Instagram Be a guest on the podcast YouTube The Molly B Foundation

I went on a deep dive into how different religions view IVF. I discovered it’s not so much about the process, but the sanctity of family. It’s an interesting concept when thinking about my own faith and journey with IVF. I have had amazing support and been scorned by others for going through this process. Through it all, I have contemplated what being a mother is about. Key Takeaways: [0:54] How different religions view abortion [4:03] Abortion goes against the sanctity of family [6:34] Religion is vague about abortion [7:28] What technology has changed about abortion [9:40] My process with IVF and people’s opinions [12:32] Jack was supposed to be in my life [13:46] Incredibly supported and scorned [16:29] Are children produced by IVF accepted in religion? [20:15] Having amazing conversations with other women [21:40] What the term mother means to me [23:20] What my book is about [24:43] I want Jack to have a lot of family Resources: The Genius Experiment Connect with Barb: Website Facebook Instagram Be a guest on the podcast YouTube The Molly B Foundation

I am going full force with the MollyB Foundation. I want to take it to a higher level and am brainstorming ways to do so. I will also be releasing my book soon which is about Molly. I’m interested to see the types of conversations it elicits and I’m grateful that I am able to continue to build a community of grievers. Key Takeaways: [2:06] Molly’s involvement with RB Productions [5:04] Transitioning the MollyB Foundation to something bigger [6:38] What being a 5OC3 means [7:27] Making a more manageable schedule [9:37] The people that helped write and edit my book [10:59] I’m angry I never got to see Molly grow up [13:07] What the book is about and the meaning it holds [18:15] People respond to child loss in different ways [19:48] I don’t have to agree with someone’s lifestyle to love them [23:17] I love when people talk about Molly [24:34] John, the filmmakers death [26:46] I need ideas for the MollyB Foundation [29:51] The next couple of episodes Resources: RB Productions Get Better Girl Carolina Connect with Barb: Website Facebook Instagram Be a guest on the podcast YouTube The Molly B Foundation

Addiction is a cycle that has consumed my life at times. I am now in the process of realizing how many choices in my life it has impacted. It still feels like a slippery slope with drugs and alcohol, but I am finally realizing why I am making these choices and I am in the process of healing. Key Takeaways: [2:30] How drugs work in the body [6:15] I loved alcohol because it took away my anxiety [8:18] Thinking about getting back into the sober lifestyle [9:34] Skylar’s beautiful post on addiction [14:52] Stereotypes of drug addiction [17:10] My use of cocaine [19:10] Sexual abuse and alcohol as a quick comfort [22:30] How addiction has impacted my life [25:42] Getting off pills was one of the most difficult things [28:13] Feeling like I’m on a slippery slope with alcohol [29:00] Narcissistic people are constantly in my life [31:13] I chose people that don’t really want my help [34:00] Addiction is a cycle that’s hard to break [35:31] I wouldn’t have started these relationships if I had known [37:28] Where I’m going next Resources: 75 Hard Challenge Get Better Girl Carolina Connect with Barb: Website Facebook Instagram Be a guest on the podcast YouTube The Molly B Foundation

I am taking numerous foods out of my diet to figure out how my body works. As I do that, the month of June is taking on a new meaning for me: track camp and the MollyB Foundation. I am working hard to grow the foundation and for it to have a legacy long after I am gone. Key Takeaways: [3:15] Doing the 75 Hard Challenge [5:38] Doing a plethora of tests to figure out how my body works [9:42] How I’m doing with these health changes [11:40] Being overwhelmed by my schedule [13:44] MollyB scholarships and keeping her memory alive [15:45] Track camp was difficult with parents yelling at me [17:15] People saying terrible things online [19:17] Where being self centered is leading our government [21:23] The month of June’s meaning has changed for me [23:26] Realizing I have a ton of narcissistic people in my family [25:18] I want the MollyB Foundation to be a legacy Resources: 75 Hard Challenge Get Better Girl Connect with Barb: Website Facebook Instagram Be a guest on the podcast YouTube The Molly B Foundation

My first guest, Libby, came on to talk about her mental health, eating disorder, and being an athlete. Libby chats about the struggles of transitioning into college, recovering from her eating disorder, and learning to value her accomplishments. Key Takeaways: [1:39] Why Libby started her podcast [5:15] Why I love podcasting [5:57] Podcasting has helped her realize we all share similar struggles [7:00] College was a tough transition [7:59] Eating disorders being prevalent in women’s athletics [9:13] The start of Libby’s eating disorder [12:20] Partying and binge drinking [14:03] Body standards in sports [15:03] Why she got into track, quitting, and starting again [19:22] Imposter syndrome and downplaying accomplishments [24:36] Being taught not to talk about your success [29:28] Looking back on old journal entries [32:07] The education system changed because of COVID [34:28] The workload in college was a tough adjustment [39:44] Using a podcast to tell your story [42:05] Finding gratitude in your day [45:49] Post graduate frenzy and different paths to take Resources: Ok Yup podcast Libby’s Instagram Libby’s website Connect with Barb: Website Facebook Instagram Be a guest on the podcast YouTube The Molly B Foundation

On the 4th of July, I think about my memories with Molly and what kind of future I’ll help create for Jack. I have been doing deep work with my anger, self sabotage, and this idea that I need an escape plan. Putting all my eggs in one basket makes me nervous and makes me feel like I need a plan B. I am learning to navigate these emotions and attempt to pull my life together. Key Takeaways: [2:02] My feelings on the 4th of July have changed [3:46] Reconciling with the good and bad in my life [4:51] Being victim shamed [6:11] My desire to keep things the same [7:43] The MollyB Foundation becoming certified [9:12] Helping kids pay for dance classes [11:06] My go to emotion is anger [13:09] Continually self sabotaging my own efforts [16:21] The physical sensations of anxiety [18:06] Constantly needing an escape plan [25:13] If I self sabotage and it blows up, I can excuse my failures [27:31] Getting off my phone and lying in silence [28:31] The things that trigger me [32:08] I’m having a turning point [34:44] Learning to tell a good story [35:58] I feel very judged in my hometown [39:03] The 4th of July will be different for Jack [42:05] Pulling my life together Resources: Coaching with Carolina Content Compass Connect with Barb: Website Facebook Instagram Be a guest on the podcast YouTube The Molly B Foundation

When I think of community I think of how it’s evolved over time and wanting to fit in. My religious, financial, sports community and more have all been redefined even in the past decade. These social issues make me ponder how to be the best mother I can for Jack while redefining what these issues mean to me. Key Takeaways: [3:03] How money played a role in my upbringing [7:39] My family structure growing up [10:39] Family, DNA, and how it defines us [14:51] Defying the odds all my life [19:11] Religion is very divisive right now [22:25] Debating true feminism [25:14] Sexism in medicine and Molly’s death [27:37] Sexism in sports and Title 9 [37:13] Learning to listen and take a step back [39:53] Gender and the LGBT movement [41:31] Wanting to be the best mother I can be [43:29] What’s next for the podcast Connect with Barb: Website Facebook Instagram Be a guest on the podcast YouTube The Molly B Foundation

Working at VLACS, an online middle and high school has been amazing. It has given me flexibility and I’ve been able to connect with students in a way I never could have in public school. But I am hopeful as I start my new journey launching a book and seeing where creating content around grief will take me. Look at 95 Key Takeaways: [1:30] Leaving my teaching job [2:33] Finding what’s important in life [4:35] Losing my teaching job in Concord was crushing [7:02] Starting to teach at VLACS [9:43] Being great at having strong relationships with students [10:27] Getting behind on paperwork [12:06] Not meeting anybody in person can be difficult [13:39] Taking a break from VLACS [15:15] VLACS was about creating relationships first [18:30] They taught the difference between empathy and sympathy [20:37] Working at VLACS again, but with younger students [24:23] Leaving VLACS will allow me to grow in other areas [25:41] Molly’s little white desk [28:10] Where my career has taken me [28:54] Rethinking the way I view teaching [29:18] Thank you VLACS Resources: VLACS Connect with Barb: Website Facebook Instagram Be a guest on the podcast YouTube The Molly B Foundation

I started track camp a few decades ago and it’s still going strong. I get to show kids the joy of track and field while still having regular summer camp fun. Track camp has been such a pillar of our community and it now allows me to help grow the MollyB Foundation. Sign your kids up for track camp in the resources section. Key Takeaways: [1:49] The beginnings of track camp [4:08] I wanted to get young kids interested in track [5:52] What Barb’s track camp looks like [8:47] 2011 and how track camp changed [10:05] Gracie being a counselor [11:13] Finding your passion in life [13:13] Camp is the one piece of old Barb [13:46] Camp supporting me through Molly’s death [15:44] How camp is funded [16:23] Offering two sessions of camp this year [17:56] Creating a sense of community [19:23] Track camp allows me to be in my element Resources: Barb’s Track Camp Connect with Barb: Website Facebook Instagram Be a guest on the podcast YouTube The Molly B Foundation

As I hit the 8 year mark of Molly being gone, I think upon her legacy and what I’m doing with the MollyB Foundation to honor her. I have fundraised, supported the arts, and given scholarships to children in her honor. All of this work has helped me as I have gone on the healing journey of writing my book and dealing with nasty comments online. Key Takeaways: [2:53] 8 years since Molly died [5:09] Social media bringing up old memories [7:01] Thinking I had more time left with Molly [8:15] What the MollyB Foundation offers [9:26] Having a wonderful conversation about Molly [10:59] Fundraising for the MollyB Foundation [13:25] It’s tiring that people forget Molly [14:15] Awards that the MollyB Foundation gives out [14:58] Jack starting dance classes [18:29] The nasty comments about my IVF journey online [25:12] The process of writing my book [28:16] What I envision for Jack when he’s older [29:38] My life has changed, but still stayed the same Resources: Deliver Me From Nowhere Connect with Barb: Website Facebook Instagram Be a guest on the podcast YouTube The Molly B Foundation

As Memorial Day is upon us, it made me think back to the CrossFit workouts I’ve done in honor of people that have died. That’s what I love about CrossFit. It is not just a workout, it’s about community and supporting one another. In this episode, I look back on the heroes in my life and contemplate what commemorating someone really does. Key Takeaways: [2:00] Struggling in the month of May and a turning point [4:04] Books I’m reading [8:17] The importance of Memorial Day and CrossFit [10:25] The hero workout, Murf [13:38] The article I wrote for Memorial Day [17:49] Finding community to help me through trauma [18:39] Finding the meaning in life [21:14] The workout that was made in Molly’s honor [23:26] Pondering what fighting for freedom really is [24:13] The heroes in my life and commemorating my child [26:01] What is your community? Resources: Soul Boom Deliver Me From Nowhere The article I wrote on Murf The article I wrote on Blake Connect with Barb: Website Facebook Instagram Be a guest on the podcast YouTube The Molly B Foundation

As I wade through death week, I reflect on my grief, how it’s changed and what’s next for the podcast. The podcast has allowed me to work on healing myself and now it’s also going to be a space for other people to share their stories. If you would like to be a guest on the show, please fill out the guest form in the show notes. Key Takeaways: [1:14] Being angry during death week [3:44] Learning more about hormones and trauma [6:43] Feeling like I killed Molly [9:08] Learning from looking back on my life [10:56] My life growing up [13:17] What’s next for the podcast [17:26] Talking about child abuse, chronic pain, and more [22:40] Grief and child loss will be a huge focus [24:15] Learning ways to be grateful [25:43] Working to heal myself [27:13] Life updates and coaching CrossFit Resources: Get Better Girl Guest Form Connect with Barb: Website Facebook Instagram Be a guest on the podcast YouTube The Molly B Foundation

I have been working to find gratitude in everything I do, even when life feels terrible. Finding the good in tragedy has always been something I’m good at and I’m only trying to do that more everyday. In this episode, I contemplate how my life could have been different had I made different choices and the gratitude I feel now. Key Takeaways: [1:06] An important quote on gratitude [3:19] Having gratitude for the 2000s [5:00] I’m grateful that I was able to spend time with my kids [6:42] Working at VLACs and having a flexible schedule [8:17] Finding such empowerment in CrossFit [9:13] The people I’ve met through CrossFit [11:10] The flip side of wanting to rewind time [12:00] The things that wouldn’t of happened without meeting Roy [13:36] Wanting to go back in time to have a do-over [15:29] Realizing I need to open up by doing this podcast [17:50] I wonder how my life could have been different [18:59] I should feel grateful all the time [20:40] Looking to the future of the podcast Resources: Homeless to Harvard Case 63 podcast Label Free Podcast Connect with Barb: Website Facebook Instagram YouTube The Molly B Foundation