Managing My Grief

That’s an excerpt from the show. Today, we’ll be discussing masked grief, and, here’s the intro. Intro I’m glad you chose to join me for this discussion on Masked Grief. At the end of the show I’ll have a “So, what to do?” section where I’ll share ideas and strategies you can use to work through Masked Grief. Did you know that there are many types of grief? Death alone is challenging to grieve, but there are other losses that occur after losing companionship, such as changes in family roles, financial changes, and loss of dreams of what could be. Keep in mind that the type of grief we’ll be discussing isn’t “good” or “bad,” it’s a mere way for you to identify what you are experiencing. When you understand what you are experiencing, it can be used as a grounding place and it can bring normalcy to the experience, which in itself is gratifying and beneficial. Masked Grief is when you are unable to recognize that your symptoms and behaviors are related to loss. Symptoms are often masked as either physical symptoms or other maladaptive behaviors. I like how GriefRecoveryMethod.com explained it, “The human body is designed to be a processing center. We consume and process food to create energy and to fuel our various organs. If we consume more food than necessary, our body stores it as fat. Too much of this fat storage can have negative consequences for our overall health. Likewise, the body is designed to process our emotional experiences. If we suppress, store and mask those emotions deep inside, this can result in negative consequences for our general health as well. There are consequences of stuffing sad emotions. When you continually stuff these feelings of emotional pain, rather than putting voice to them, your body tend to send you signals that they are not happy. Some people get headaches, while others respond with intestinal issues and ulcers.” As a mental health therapist, I’ve seen that quite frequently. A person has physical symptoms, they go to their primary care doctor who runs tests after tests, after test, after tests, but can’t find anything wrong. Thankfully, in recently years, through collaboration and discussion, medical doctors have realized and most have accepted that when a patient comes into their office with a physical ailment and they are unable to identify the underlying cause, they will refer them to me, a mental health therapist. Many of my clients have come to me via referrals from their primary care doctor, because the doctor understands that those physical ailments may be the result of emotional suppression. In a previous show I mentioned a guy name Chris. He was a senior in college. A few months before graduating, his mother died. A few weeks later his appetite changed and a few more weeks later he developed an eating disorder. Fast forward to a year, Chris decided to get help from his primary care doctor who then referred him to a mental health therapist who specializes in eating disorders. The specialist used a behavioral approach to supporting Chris. The eating disorder specialist gives Chris all the tools needed to learn to live a healthier life, but realizes that the underlining cause of Chris’ eating disorder are the suppressed emotions he has from his mother’s death. The last time Chris showed mourning was when he cried upon entering the house for the first time after his mother died, which was over a year ago. The eating disorder specialist decided to refer Chris to a mental health therapist who specializes in grief. As Chris begins to work through his grief, his eating disorder symptoms worsen. Thankfully, he remembers the skills he learned while receiving eating disorder services and was able to utilize them during his grief healing process.

MMG13: Types of Grief: Absent Grief Intro I’m glad you chose to join me for this discussion on Absent Grief. At the end of the show I’ll have a “So, what to do?” section where I’ll share ideas and strategies you can use to work through Absent Grief. So, what is absent grief? I like Jennifer Kopf’s definition of absent grief that she wrote in an article on TheRecoveryVillage.com. She shares that “Absent grief refers to a prolonged state of denial when a person cannot even acknowledge a loss. It can also describe an unusually long period in which a person reacts as if nothing has changed even if they can acknowledge a loss intellectually.” [My experience with absent grief.] So, what to do? 1. You must intentionally process the loss. 2. Acknowledge the feelings you do have when they arise. 3. Write them a letter to help with identifying your thoughts and feelings. 4. Think about a past memory and embrace the joy you experienced. 5. Focus on being thankful for the time you were able to have with the person. 6. Seeking support from a Mental Health Therapist to help work through absent grief. Go to Psychology Today to find a Therapist in your area. To connect with me to share your thoughts or to provide suggestions for a future show, contact me at MissDilworth.com. To learn more about grief, click on another show. To attend a grief workshop, go to ManagingMyGrief.net Have a productive day and live in your greatness. Resources: https://www.therecoveryvillage.com/mental-health/grief/#gref

Show 12 Types of Grief: Complicated Grief (Traumatic/Prolonged/PCBD) Intro I’m glad you chose to join me for this discussion on Complicated Grief. Did you know that there are many types of grief? Death alone is challenging to grieve, but there are other losses that occur after losing companionship, such as changes in family roles, financial changes, and loss of dreams of what could have been. Keep in mind that the type of grief we’ll be discussing isn’t “good” or “bad,” it’s a mere way for you to identify what you are experiencing. When you understand what you are experiencing, it can be used as a grounding place and it can bring normalcy to the experience, which in itself is gratifying and beneficial. The type of grief we’ll be discussing today has a few different names and they are Complicated Grief, Traumatic Grief, Prolonged Grief and/or Persistent Complex Bereavement Disorder. For sake of time and me not wanting to repeat all four names every time, we’ll use Complicated Grief, but understand that it can and many times is used interchangeably with the Traumatic Greif, Prolonged Grief, and Persistent Complex Bereavement Disorder. A side note, Persistent Complex Bereavement Disorder, or PCBD is located in the DSM along with other descriptions related to experiencing loss that are classified based on the intensity of the grief. In a later show, we’ll focus specifically on the different descriptions of grief that are provided in the DSM, but for now, let’s explore Complicated Grief. There are several factors that play a role in identifying Complicated Grief. An overview definition is Complicated Grief is when Normal Grief becomes severely long in duration and the grief significantly impairs the ability for one to function. A factor that plays a role in identifying Complicated Grief is the nature of the loss. For example, a loss sudden, a loss due to violence, or multiple losses. If the loss is violent in nature, many times people will use Traumatic Grief instead of Complicated Grief, but again, the names can be used interchangeably. Several other factors that help with identifying Complicated Grief are the relationship, life experiences, and social issues. One common life experience that may cause someone to be predestined to experience Complicated Grief is trauma. Many times with someone experiences a traumatic events, such as a natural disaster, any type of abuse, or being bullied it can be a precursor to them experiencing Complicated Grief at some point in their life. I enjoy watching mini documentaries about a spectrum of topics. Last week I watched a mini documentary about a gay gentleman living in a small rural town in Louisiana. The documentary was made in the late 80’s early 90’s. There were a lot of social issues related to this time period, his life style, and geographical location . The gentleman shared his experience growing up gay in his community, finding love, losing love due to AIDS, and finding love again. He said he learned from a school aged boy that many of the children would call his house, the House of AIDS. Although some people in the community were derogatory, majority were supportive, especially when his partner died. He shared how people and businesses from the small town sent him cards and letters sharing their support and sadness for his loss. He shared how thankful he was to receive the outpour of encouragement and a little surprised by some of the people’s empathy. In this case, he had a lot of support, but that’s not always the case. There are many times, especially in the 80’s and years prior, when gay person’s partner dies, they aren’t given support, or their experience is minimized and unfortunately even regarded as unimportant. As a result, Disenfranchised Grief or Ambiguous Grief is experienced, resulting in some grievers struggling to grieve. Instead of healing, they go in the opposite direct

Intro I’m glad you chose to join me for this discussion on Collective Grief. What do you think Collective Grief means? The name kind of gives it away. Collective grief is when a loss occurs and it’s felt by a group. Collective grief doesn’t have to limited to one’s local neighborhood. Collective grief can occur when a traumatic event happens in one’s state, society, nation, or world wide. I can recall when terrorist attacked Paris in 2015. The devastation was felt worldwide. Buildings and monuments in many countries including Australia, Pyramids of Giza, Dubai, London, Mexico City, Tokyo, and many more places expressed mourning and support by lighting up landmarks in blue, white, and red, which are the colors of the French flag. Collective grief can be the result of many different types of traumatic events, such as war, death of a public figure, act of terrorism, a hate crime, or a natural disaster. In 2005, Hurricane Katrina, a category 5 hurricane took almost 2,000 lives, and in 2010, Haiti experienced massive earthquakes that impacted an estimated 3 million people. Videos, pictures, and stories allowed people all over the world to witness theses natural disasters and it’s impact on fellow human beings. The loss experienced brought grief to many communities and nations. Collective grief can be validating for some. Being able to verbalize and express your sadness, disbelief, or anger after a loss and have a group of people who are also having the same reaction can bring comfort. It reminds you that you’re not alone. That someone else is having the same experience as you. When you realize that you’re not alone, empowerment steps in. In 2018, there was a school shooting in Parkland, Florida and 17 people were killed. The students of that school came together and not only vocalized their grief, but in a matter of 5 weeks, they put together a national protest called March for Our Lives where they expressed their concerns and desires for a change in gun laws. Them coming together is an example of when people share a common feeling, they can become empowered to strive to make changes. When 9/11 happened here in the U.S., there was an increase in enlistment into the military and supporting government agencies. Some joined because they saw others experiencing the same feelings they were having and was empowered to take action to hopefully make a difference. Collective grief also allows people to mourn together. When a public figure dies or a murder happens in a community, here in the U.S., many times there’s a candlelit vigil. When someone dies in a family, there’s usually a funeral or a memorial service. In D.C. and on government properties, the flag will fly half mast in response to a tragedy. Some people call these acts a ritual or a tradition. However you want to see them, it’s undeniably a way for people to mourn together. For us to feel validated in our grief. Another common way collective grief can be experienced is by going to a memorial. There are memorials all over the world that shed light on historical tragedies, such as the Vietnam Veterans Memorial in D.C., the Korean War Memorial in South Korea, the Holocaust Memorial in Berlin, or the Taj Mahal in India. All of these memorials are for us to come together to mourn and remember those who have died. Collective grief doesn’t always mean people will come together and agree on how to mourn or what the next steps should be. The United States was shook after the Columbine High School shooting. 13 people were killed, the 2 shooters were killed and 20 others were wounded. I was in middle school at the time and I can recall seeing news reports entire demeanor change as they tried to hold back tears while sharing the tragic information. Weeks after the shooting, a gentleman drove several states over to Colorado to make a memorial for those who were killed that day. He brought

Show 10 Types of Grief: Exaggerated Grief Intro I’m glad you chose to join me for this discussion on Exaggerated Grief. Did you know that there are different types of grief? The importance of talking about the different types of grief is for you to be able to identify and get a better understanding of what you are a loved one may be experiencing. When you understand what you are experiencing, it can be used as a grounding place and it can bring normalcy to the experience, which in itself is gratifying and beneficial. Exaggerated grief is when and individual is so overwhelmed by a loss that their grief intensifies and worsens over time. The person may develop major psychiatric disorders, suicidal thoughts, nightmares, self-destructive behavior, and a disabling helplessness. For this discussion, we’ll be exploring psychiatric disorders, more specifically, phobias. Phobia is when someone has a persistently extreme or irrational fear of a specific object, activity, or situation that leads to avoidance. When I first read the definition of exaggerated grief and psychiatric disorders, I thought of the movie Jaws. For those that haven’t seen the classic movie Jaws, it’s a scary movie produced in the 70’s by Steven Spielberg. It’s a story about a shark that terrorizes a beach. The police chief wants to shut the beach down but the mayor decides to keep the beach open in hopes of not losing revenue from tourists, resulting in many more getting killed by the shark. I won’t spoil the movie, but I will say that the movie was such a hit, others have made remakes, but didn’t reach the same success at Steven Spielberg’s. My mind thought of Jaws because of the psychiatric disorder phobia. For those on the beach who lived through the shark attacks, I wondered, if the movie was real life, would they have developed, Thalassophobia, or Selachophobia, or even Potamophobia? Thalassophobia is the fear of large bodies of water, such as the sea or ocean. Selachophobia is the fear of sharks, and Potamophobia is the fear of rives or running water. Take a moment to imagine being one of the people who witnessed your friend or loved one being attacked and killed by a shark. Not only do you grieve the loss of a friend or family member, but you begin to develop an intense fear of large bodies of water and sharks. So much so, you avoid anything that has to do with large bodies of water and sharks. Visiting a lake is out of the question. As time goes on, nightmares get worse, and a phobia is developed. You are now experiencing Exaggerated Grief. Agrizoophobia came to mind due to having several friends and family members who enjoy hunting. I also have several friends, including myself who like to go camping and be in nature. Agrizoophobia is a fear of wild animals. After hearing about or witnessing a loved one being killed by an animal, can result in someone experiencing exaggerated grief, more specifically a phobia such as agrizoophobia. A couple years ago, I had an associate whose husband, cousin, and uncle died in three separate car accidents within a few years of each other. As a result, she developed Amaxophobia, a fear of riding in a car. After many years of therapy, she learned how to consistently distract herself while in the car to avoid a panic attack. Another phobia is Dromophobia- a fear crossing the street. Witnessing or hearing about a close companion who was killed while crossing the street can cause some to develop this type of phobia. Arsonphobia is the fear of fire. Nosocomephobia is the fear of hospitals. Pathophobia is the fear of disease. Pharmacophobia is the fear of taking medicine. Siderodromophobia is the fear of trains, railroads, or train travel and there are so many more phobias that can be developed while experiencing exaggerated grief. Keep in mind, that if a specif

The belief behind the technique is when we are able to non judgmentally acknowledge and accept another person for where they are, it helps reduce intense emotions. By engaging in radical acceptance, the gentleman is able to reduce his level of frustration. Keep in mind that radical acceptance doesn’t equal agreement, it’s a mere way of acknowledging what is happening in a nonjudgmental fashion. That’s an excerpt from the show. Today, we’ll be discussing Insights from my most recent Managing My Grief Workshop, and, here’s the intro. Intro I’m glad you chose to join me for this discussion on Insights from Grief Workshop. As you already may know, I’m the Founder and Executive Director of Inspirational Hope. It’s a non profit organization that supports individuals who’ve experienced grief and sexual assault. We provide workshops and have a yearly fall conference. Last year at the conference, a young lady shared with me her desire to have a more hands on experience to be able to process the information that was shared. During the next few months, I created Managing My Grief Workshops that’s done through my LLC. Last week, I had my second all day Managing My Grief Workshop and was reminded of a key component of grief that is many times not discussed. The workshop begins with the typical ice breaker, then transitions into the nitty gritty of grief, the grieving process, how an individual’s family’s culture plays a role in the grieving process, we talk about coping skills, triggers, support systems, and space to even do a few role plays. Throughout each section of the workshop, I enjoy hearing how one navigates through their grief and them giving me and others attendees the opportunity to give support and guidance to navigate through the grief more efficiently. In this particular workshop, there was and overarching theme I heard throughout the day and it was lack of empathy from family and peers. In a previous podcast, I discussed disenfranchised grief. If you haven’t listened to the show, I encourage you to listen to Disenfranchised Grief after finishing this show to understand the diverse categories. To recap, disenfranchised grief is when someone experiences a loss and those around them minimize or don’t acknowledge the impact of the loss. In the workshop, we had individuals who were currently going through grief and others who provide support to those who are grieving whether it was through their work or volunteering. It was interesting to see how the conversation transpired. I opened up the discussion by sharing a quote from Megan Devine’s book, It’s OK That You’re Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn’t Understand. The quote is, “we aren’t’ here to fix our pain but to tend to it.” Due to the richness and her authentic perception on how grief is mishandled in the U.S. culture, Megan Devine’s book will be broken down in a future podcast. After sharing the quote on “fix our pain,” versus “tend to it,” we took a deeper dive into this concept and that’s where the intriguing part of the discussion occurred. A side note, all attendees sign a waiver giving me permission to share their stories and insights to help others, with the expectation that their identity will be kept confidential. I can’t help but be inspired by how authentic and eager the attendees were to talk about their experience related to getting support from others, or in many cases, lack of support. There was one gentleman in particular who enthusiastically shared how when his daughter died, he was tired of hearing people tell him, “I’m sorry for your loss.” He shared how every time someone made remarks similar to being sorry, anger would rise inside of him. There was a woman there who volunteers in giving others support who are grieving. She was becoming noticeably uncomfortable while the gentleman was passionately and almost on the verge of

Intro I’m glad you chose to join me for this discussion on Distorted Grief Did you know that there are different types of grief? Death alone is challenging to grieve, but there are other losses that occur after losing companionship, such as changes in family roles, financial changes, and loss of dreams of what could be. Keep in mind that the type of grief we’ll be discussing isn’t “good” or “bad,” it’s a mere way for you to identify what you are experiencing. When you understand what you are experiencing, it can be used as a grounding place and it can bring normalcy to the experience, which in itself is gratifying and beneficial. Distorted Grief is when one experiences extreme feelings of guilt or anger, noticeable changes in behavior, hostility towards a particular person, or engages in self-destructive behaviors. An example of this is a parent losing a child. Unfortunately, in recent years, school shootings have become more and more prevalent. After the shootings, it’s common for parents and fellow students to experience distorted grief. Many have intense anger and demonstrate hostility towards the shooter. That internal anger is grief. The outward manifestation which is hostility towards the shooter is mourning. Another example is the student who day after day begs their parent to let them stay home. The parent, just like every other day, makes their child go to school. On that day, the shooting takes place and their child dies. The parent then experiences intense guilt and turns to self destructive behaviors such as frequently drinking until they blackout. Can you hear the grief and mourning? The internal guilt is grief. The outward manifestation which is drinking until they blackout is mourning. The last example is the wife who pleads with the doctors that there something is wrong with their husband’s health. The doctors run a few tests and share that nothing is wrong. The wife pleads for more tests be done, but the doctors refuse. The husband dies and the autopsy shows that if more tests would have been ran, a diagnose of hypertension would have been discovered by the doctors, resulting in her husband possibly living longer. The wife now has intense anger and has become aggressive towards anyone in the medical field. The internal anger is grief. The outward manifestation which is aggressive towards anyone in the medical field is mourning. Lets break down the criteria for Distorted grief a little more by using these examples. In all three examples, we can see the students, parents, and wife experienced intense anger or guilt. Hostility towards a person can also be seen in the first and third examples. In the first one, the hostility was towards the shooter, in the third example the hostility of the wife was towards all people in the medical field. The last criteria we see from the examples is self destructive behavior. In the second example, the parent internalized the intense they were experiencing and engage in drinking until blacking out. Again, the purpose isn’t to say any of this is good or bad, it’s a mere opportunity to learn what distorted grief is and how it’s manifested. The criteria for distorted grief that wasn’t seen in the three examples is noticeable changes in behaviors. A few examples if this criteria is isolation, disbelief in capabilities, more assertive, or reckless driving. So, what to do? Understand that these intense emotions of anger and guilt from distorted grief need to be addressed before normal grief work can begin. Let the anger and guilt it out in a healthy way. Let’s talk about coping skills for a moment. It’s crucial to understand that there

MMG7 Types of Grief: Cumulative Grief Experiencing grief after a loss is challenging in itself, but to add more loss can bring on what some call, “grief overload.” That’s an excerpter from the show. Today, we’ll be discussing Cumulative Grief And, here’s the intro. Intro I’m glad you chose to join me for this discussion on Cumulative Grief Did you know that there are different types of grief? While we discuss Cumulative Grief, keep in mind that it isn’t “good” or “bad,” it’s a mere way for you to identify what you are experiencing. When you understand what you are experiencing, it can be used as a grounding place and it can bring normalcy to the experience, which in itself is gratifying and beneficial. Cumulative Grief is when someone experiences multiple losses within a short period of time. Experiencing grief after a loss is challenging in itself, but to add more loss can bring on what some call, “grief overload.” When someone experiences grief overload or cumulative grief, they many times have thoughts of “I’m going out of my mind,” or “I’m going to have a nervous breakdown.” Please understand that this reaction is normal, very normal to an abnormal situation. There are many reactions people can have after experiencing multiple losses in a short period of time, such as denial or a state of shock. Your brain is an amazing and powerful organ. Some come from the belief system that your subconscious mind will only share information with your conscious mind when needed. That your subconscious mind is partially designed to only give your conscious mind information it can process at that moment. So when someone is in denial after experiencing a loss, one can see it as that person’s subconscious mind is protecting them from reality because their conscious mind can’t handle processing the multiple loss at this moment. The relationship between your conscious mind and subconscious mind is much more complicated and layered that what I described, but that’s a very simplistic overview. For those who like analogies, here’s one that was taken from GriefRecoveryMethod.com “Visualize what is happening inside you. Most of us have a drawer, cupboard or closet where we store those scattered items that we might need some day, but do not know what to do with in the meantime. (We have a neighbor down the street who appears to have an entire garage filled with such things.) When we open this container, it is often difficult to find anything amid all of that clutter. It can be overwhelming. This is very much like our personal internal storage center for those grief filled memories of our life. It is such a random collection of memories of sad moments from our life that it is difficult to isolate each individual thought.” The belief that our subconscious mind will only share what your conscious mind can handle, and the analogy that our internal experience is like a messy drawer or closet resulting on one becoming overwhelmed and shutting down, can be seen as defense mechanisms. While family members may try to force a loved one to acknowledge multiple losses, the person experiencing the cumulative grief has intentionally or unintentionally created a defense mechanism to protect themselves from the pain and sadness of their loss. History of trauma is a factor to consider that can play a key role in the use of defense mechanisms. So, what to do? Please be understanding of yourself and others who are in denial or shock after experiencing multiple losses in a short period of time. It may be possible that your conscious mind is unable to processes that information at this time. The grand impact of those losses may be too overwhelming for you to process and that’s okay. When you are ready, take one step at a time to work through your Cumulative Grief. You can learn to manage the grief that derived from your multiple losses

Intro I’m glad you chose to join me for this discussion on Disenfranchised Grief. Did you know that there are many types of grief? Death alone is challenging to grieve, but to add how others treat or see us while grieving can add more on your shoulders. Keep in mind that the type of grief we’ll be discussing isn’t “good” or “bad,” it’s a mere way for you to identify what you are experiencing. When you understand what you are experiencing, it can be used as a grounding place and it can bring normalcy to the experience, which in itself is gratifying and beneficial. Disenfranchised Grief has two parts. The first is when someone experiences a loss and those around them minimize or don’t acknowledge the impact of the loss. The second part is when someone experiences a loss regarding a decline in health and others around them don’t understand or acknowledge that loss. Initially, Disenfranchised Grief may sound similar to Anticipatory Grief in that the grief one is experiencing is minimized, not acknowledged, or not understood, but there are key differences. Disenfranchised grief focuses on how the griever is socially received by others, while Anticipatory Grief focuses on the grief one experiences prior to someone’s death. To hear more about Anticipatory Grief, click on the Types of Grief: Anticipatory Grief, after listening to this podcast. In the 80’s, Dr. Kenneth Doka did case studies on issues related to individuals who lost their ex-spouses. During his case studies he heard an individual say, “No one understood why I should be grieving.” He then began doing research with individuals who where is dyadic relationships without the benefit of marriage. For example, people who are living together, people who were engaged, people who were dating a long time, or people who were close to engagement . He noticed that they too had similar experiences of those who lost an ex-spouse. A statement he reports hearing was “ I had a significant loss but no one understood it. Nobody was there for it.” Another said, “It was as if I didn’t have a right to grieve.” That’s when he coined the word Disenfranchised Grief. In an interview, he states that Disenfranchised Grief is “Having a loss, and can’t publicly mourn, openly acknowledge, or doesn’t receive social support.” Since then, he’s written many books, including: Grief is a Journey: Finding Your Path Through Loss where he discusses how “grief isn’t an illness to get over, but an individual and ongoing journey.” Another book is The Longest Loss: Alzheimer’s Disease and Dementia. In this book, he focuses on the “grief issues that dementia creates for patients, families, and professional caregivers during the course of the illness, as well as the grief reactions of families and other caregivers following the death.” Dr. Doka has written over 30 publications where he was the sole author or co-author. Due to time, I won’t list all of them, but I will share a couple more, his first publication. Dr. Doka’s first book was written in 1989, entitled, Disenfranchised Grief: Recognizing Hidden Sorrow. Although it’s currently out of print, its concepts were further reviewed and developed in his 2001 book, Disenfranchised Grief: New Directions, Challenges, and Strategies for Practice. To get the entire list of Dr. Doka’s publications, go to DrKenDoka.com. He travels across the U.S. speaking and has several interesting youtube interviews that I encourage you to check out. I find it interesting how he breaks down Disenfranchised Grief into categories. There is no particular order. The first category is loss that isn’t acknowledged, such as divorce, loss of a pet, loss of a job, religious conversion, or loss of a home. The second category is the relationship isn’t acknowledged. This occurs often because society

Types of Grief: Delayed Grief Intro I’m glad you chose to join me for this discussion on Delayed Grief. As we discuss delayed grief, keep in mind that it’s not “good” or “bad,” it’s a mere way for you to identify what you are experiencing. When you understand what you are experiencing, it can be used as a grounding place and it can bring normalcy to the experience, which in itself is gratifying and beneficial. What is delayed grief? Well, the name pretty much gives it away. Delayed Grief is when someone experiences grief and mourning at a later time or it’s resurfaced. Grief being the inward reaction and mourning being the outward manifestation. To learn more about the difference between grief and mourning click on the Defining Grief, Mourning, and Bereavement Show. Back to delayed grief. There are several reasons why delayed grief occurs. Before we get into the list, it’s important to recognize that when delayed grief does present itself, it can be challenging to identify the real reason or what some say, the root cause. To get a better understanding, let’s take a look at Samantha. Samantha is a 35 year old Mother of 2. Her husband, who was active duty in the military, died 5 years ago while in combat. At the time of his death, she was 30 and their children were 1 and 3. As a stay at home mom, Samantha continued her consistent care of her 2 children. Recently, her youngest, who is now 6, started school, resulting in Samantha being alone for several hours a day. A few months into the school year, she began to randomly burst into tears. She’s having dreams about her husband and noticing that she’s merely going through the motions of daily activities. It’s a struggle for her to be enthusiastic with her children when they reported doing something great at school. There are even days, when it’s a struggle to be motivated to get out of bed. Samantha chats with a few close friends to try to understand this sudden change. Most tell her it’s because her youngest is off to school and they encourage her to get a part time job. Samantha considers their reasoning for the sudden change and takes their advice. Several weeks into working at her new part time job, she bursts into tear, resulting I her supervisor sending her home. She’s distraught because she doesn’t understand where these symptoms are coming from. She desires to talk with a Mental Health Therapist who sheds light on the possibility that because Samantha didn’t grieve her husband’s death, she is now mourning. Samantha’s husband died 5 years ago and she showed no symptoms of grieving. Does it make sense why it was a challenge for her to identify his death as the root cause of her current mourning? There are different reasons people experience delayed grief. There’s an article called Delayed Grief: When Grief Gets Worse on Griefincommon.com where they share 5 reasons why delayed grief occurs. The first one mentioned is losing a spouse and having children to still care for. A great example of that is what Samantha is experiencing. The second is losing a parent, immediately followed by the care of the remaining parent. It’s a challenge for some to mourn a parent’s death when they have not only their own responsibilities in life, and are now responsible of taking care of the remaining parent. Taking care of the remaining parent can entail health conditions, supporting them financially, spending time with that parent so they don’t feel as lonely, and supporting them emotionally if the remain parent experiences intense mourning. The third one listed is loss of a loved on in the midst of or immediately followed by your own health concerns. Sometimes back to back tragedy and life challenges can hinder one to have mental capacity and emotional space to process a loss, resulting in the grief being delayed. The fourth is loss of a loved one at a time whe

MMG4 Types of Grief: Normal Grief When exploring normal grief many take it from their own perspective, when in all actuality, it’s about asking does the person’s reaction make sense with their context…. We live in a quick fix it type of world and unfortunately, that many times carries over into grief. Grief isn’t something to be fixed, it’s something to experience. Its not right or wrong, it just is. It’s a natural experience after loss. That’s an excerpter from the show. Today, we’ll be discussing Normal Grief, and, here’s the intro. Intro I’m glad you chose to join me for this discussion on Normal Grief. Did you know that there are 15 types of grief? Death alone is challenging to grieve, but there are other losses that occur after losing companionship, such as changes in family roles, financial changes, and loss of dreams of what could be. Keep in mind that the type of grief we’ll be discussing isn’t “good” or “bad,” it’s a mere way for you to identify what you are experiencing. When you understand what you are experiencing, it can be used as a grounding place and it can bring normalcy to the experience, which in itself is gratifying and beneficial. Normal Grief is defined as the ability to move towards acceptance of loss. The initially intensity of emotions such as pain, sadness, loneliness, anger, guilt, and yearning gradually decreases. People who experience normal grief are able to function in their daily activities such as maintaining healthy eating habits, taking showers, meeting work goals, taking care of family, paying bills, and other life responsibilities. While preparing for the show I came across an insightful question regarding normal and abnormal grief. The questions comes from Whatsyourgrief.com. Which of the following grief related behaviors is abnormal? A. A father who visits his son’s grave every morning B. A widower who continues to wear his wedding ring 5 years after his wife’s death C. A woman who refuses to part with her deceased mother’s belongings D. A woman who avoids the restaurant where she met her deceased husband E. A man who experiences intensely emotional days two years after his daughter’s death F. None of the above – you have no idea what’s normal for anyone else in their grief. If you guessed (F), congratulations you get 100% This particular article goes on to explain that humans naturally categorize things, resulting in us trying to place things in a nice and neat box. When something doesn’t fit into the box we created, we consider that behavior or situation to be abnormal. Grief isn’t simple enough to put into a box, now combine that complexity with each human being’s uniqueness in perspective, experiences, personality, genetics, and culture. Lets look at an example to try to understand how complex grief can be. Chris is a 22 yo who’s mother died a couple months before he graduated from college. Graduation comes and he was able to have 2 weeks between graduation and his first day of work at his new job. He decided to go home where his father and younger brother still live. When he walks into the house for the first time, he sees a picture that his mother and him took the night of his Senior Prom. Chris feels intense distress has thoughts that he can’t survive without her and breaks down and cries. The 2 weeks go by quickly. As he leaves the house to start his adult life, he sees the picture again. This time, he feels a closeness to his mother, has thoughts that she will always be with him and sheds a few tears. The object didn’t change. Chris had the similar outward reactions of tearfulness. The thing that changes was his internal reaction, grief, his thoughts and emotions. Even in normal grief, things can be unpredictable at times because “your relationship with certain thoughts, objects

MMG3 Types of Grief: Anticipatory Grief In this particular study done in Sweden, they revealed that 4 out of 10 widows reported that “the pre-loss period was more stressful than the post-loss.” That’s an excerpter from the show. Today, we’ll be discussing Anticipatory Grief and, here’s the intro. Intro I’m glad you chose to join me for this discussion on Anticipatory Grief. Did you know that there are 15 types of grief? Death alone is challenging to grieve, but there are other losses that occur after losing companionship, such as changes in family roles, financial changes, and loss of dreams of what could be. Keep in mind that the type of grief we’ll be discussing isn’t “good” or “bad,” it’s a mere way for you to identify what you are experiencing. When you understand what you are experiencing, it can be used as a grounding place and it can bring normalcy to the experience, which in itself is gratifying and beneficial. Anticipatory Grief or what some call Preparatory Grief occurs before death. This type of grief is common to experience when someone finds out that a loved one or they themselves will eventually die, usually related to a chronic illness or a surgery gone wrong. Its extremely challenging because the person is in an in between place. On one hand wanting to embrace hope that the person will live, while on the other hand trying to cope with the idea of losing the person, all while trying to enjoy the time they have left with the person. Since anticipatory grief is rarely discussed, people experiencing it often feel isolated. If they were to express their grief, many times people aren’t supportive or don’t accept the person’s pain because the person who is sick is still living. Think about the partner who finds out their spouse has stage 4 cancer and only have a few months to live. What are some things that partner is told? “How’s your spouse doing?” or “It’s great that you get to spend that last few months together.” Here’s a common one, “It’s unfortunately the doctors found out too late. I’ll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.” While all these comments sounds supportive and empathetic, in reality, they are superficial and non-supportive to the person experiencing the grief. True empathetic comments will go something like this, “Wow, I can’t imagine what it’s like to have to watch a spouse slowly die. How are you handling it?” or “This whole situation is tough and I’m sure its hard to handle this alone. If you ever want to talk or have someone to sit with, let me know.” Or “This has to be painful for you. How are you dealing with your upcoming loss?” Do you hear the difference between the set of comments? One doesn’t truly acknowledge the spouse and the second set sees that spouse for where they are and what they are experiencing. In our fast paced self-centered world, many deliberately choose the first set because it elicits a precise and non-deeply emotional response, resulting in the person commenting feeling as if they supported, but in reality dismissed the grief that the person is experiencing. Yes, it will take time to sit and listen or to sit in silence with someone, but if you truly want to support the person, you have to see the person for where they are mentally and emotionally. There was a Swedish study done with widows who’s relatives were dying from cancer. The study used the Anticipatory Grief Scale which was created in 1991 that uses the Likert Scale. In this case the scale was 1-5. One meaning Strongly Disagree and 5 meaning Strongly Agree. The widows filled out this self-assessment questionnaire based on what they were currently experiencing . Questions ranges in topics from daydreaming about how things use to be before the diagnose, to feelings, reactions, and future thoughts. In this particular study done in Sweden, they revealed that 4 out of 10 widows re

Many people who minimize their experience with loss because people who they are close to didn’t validate their experience. Loss is a part of life, so naturally, grief is a part of life. If someone you know minimizes your experience with loss, whether it’s loss of a job, death of a partner, or leaving college, remind yourself that this is your experience. Not theirs, so they aren’t always going to understand. That’s an excerpter from the show. Today, we’ll be discussing Events that Cause Grief. And, here’s the intro. Intro I’m glad you chose to join me for this discussion on Events that Cause Grief. When you hear someone is grieving, what’s the first thing you think? If you thought something along the lines of someone must of died, you’re with the majority. Although death is definitely a leading cause for someone to experience grief, there are other events that happen in life that can lead to grieving. As I was preparing for the show and looking over these definitions, I was reminded and touched by how deeply the pain of being deprived can be. How you want something back so badly, but are unable to attain that thing again. To never be able to experience something the way it was once experienced and only have memories or items to remind you of that experience. It’s understandable why grief is so challenging to live with and why some deliberately choose to push down their grief instead of acknowledging it. The pain can be overwhelming to even think about for some. After listening to the show, if you feel overwhelmed or down, remember to do something healthy to lift your spirits. I’ll share a few ideas at the end as well. In a previous show discussed what grief. To listen, go to the Defining Grief, Mourning, and Bereavement Show. For now, I’ll give an overview. Grief is basically the inward distress one has after experiencing a loss. Loss and lose have many definitions in the Webster’s Dictionary. Some of which include, to miss from one’s possession; to suffer deprivation of; to part with especially in an unforeseen or accidental manner; the harm resulting from separation; a decrease in amount, magnitude, or degree, and several more definitions. So how does this relate to identifying events that lead to grief? It’s all about one’s internal reaction. Two people can have the same experience, but based on genetics, perspective, experiences, and many more factors, the two individuals will have completely different reactions. Take for example one who experiences a divorce. Divorce is a common cause for grief. While one person who is getting a divorce may feel elated, another person may feel deprived, heartbroken, and distressed, resulting in them experiencing grief. While listening to this list, understand that not everyone who has these experiences will also experience grief. This list was taken from GreifRecoveryMethod.com Now, let’s get to the list. A few events include, death of a spouse, death of a family member or friend, divorce, and marital separation. This next one I found to be very interesting, marriage. Marriage in itself can bring grief. There are other aspects to marriage that can bring grief, such as, an increase in conflict within a marriage. Imprisonment is another event that can lead to grief. Grief is very common amongst people who experience chronic illnesses. This part of the list includes loss of control of body, change in health of a family member, personal injury or illness. Elizabeth Kubler Ross was a Swiss-American Psychiatrist who wrote a book called On Death and Dying. In her book she interviewed 200 cancer patients, which is where we get the 5 stages of grief or what some may call the Kubler-Ross Model. In a future show I’ll discuss the different stages or experiences of grief. Kubler-Ross did a superb job in showing how many people with

Transcript: When one experience loss, they are essentially, deprived of something or someone. Although someone appears to be functioning magnificently in society, in reality, within the confines of their home, they could be mourning. That’s an excerpt from the show. Today, we’ll be discussing Defining Grief, Mourning, and Bereavement. And, here’s the intro. Intro I’m glad you chose to join me for my first Managing My Grief Podcast Show. This discussion is on Defining Grief, Mourning, and Bereavement. Many times we hear someone use the terms grief, mourn, and bereavement interchangeably, but do you really know what they mean? Grief, according to Webster’s Dictionary, is a “deep and poignant distress caused by or as if by bereavement.” While mourning’s definition is, “to feel or express grief or sorrow; to show the customary signs of grief for a death” They may sound similar, but they are quite different. Grief can be viewed as the internal reaction after experiencing loss, such as anger, sadness, or hurt. And mourning is the outward expression of grief. For example, a child loses their parent. Inwardly, they may experience confusion and anger, that’s grief. Outwardly they may cry, or become more aggressive towards peers, and that is mourning. At times you may hear people say, “They’re still mourning,” or recently someone shared with me that they haven’t mourned their father’s death yet because they have to focus on supporting their family. In a future show we’ll talk about the different reasons why someone may not mourn immediately after a loss. For now, I’m going to share a story with you so see if you can identify the grief and mourning. Again, grief is internal reaction and mourning is the outward expression. Keep in mind that sometimes, mourning isn’t obvious. Chris is a 22 year old who recently lost his mother. He continues attending classes and maintaining good grades in college. Chris continues spending time with his friend, and seems to be functioning as well as when his mother was still living. Several weeks pass, a few of his friends notice that when they go out to eat, he doesn’t eat as much, sometimes, doesn’t eat at all. His friend’s jokingly confront him and he jokes back saying, “I’m trying to lose weight.” As finals draw near, he dives more into studying and passes all of his classes. At graduation, distant relatives notice Chris’ loss in weight and make a few comments on how handsome he looks. Throughout the graduation celebration, family members tell him how proud his mom would be if she were here. He oddly looks down, says thanking, and moves away to talk with other people. Were you able to pick up on the grief and mourning Chris was experiencing? The grief Chris experienced was depression. There’s a difference between sadness and depression. The initial difference is the length. Sadness typically lasts no more than 2 weeks, but if someone experiences sadness consistently for 2 or more weeks, then that experience can be classified as depression. The depression Chris was experiencing was being manifested by losing his appetite and not eating as much. His method of mourning was not eating. Now that’s not to say that he deliberately chose to lose his appetite. Losing his appetite was how the grief chose to manifest itself outwardly. Everyone experiences grief differently resulting in them mourning differently, and that’s okay, that’s what make’s us unique. On to bereavement. Bereavement is another term we may hear someone use. “Oh, they are in bereavement,” or related to work, someone may say “they’re gone for bereavement.” Here in the U.S. most jobs provide a 3 day Bereavement Period for people to “deal with the death of a family member.” Which by the way, 3 days isn’t long enough to “deal” with loss, but that’s another discussion. There are some empl