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My Feelings are Hurt and It’s YOUR Fault

I talk to a lot of people who point the finger at someone else when their feelings are hurt—it’s always that person’s fault. “I was ignored all weekend,” or “I was clearly upset and my partner didn’t ask me what was wrong.” When hurt or upset, you may clam up and expect other people to know how you’re feeling. Perhaps they even sense something is wrong and ask you, to which you respond, “Nothing, I’m fine.” But of course you’re not fine and you want them to know that so they can come to...


Surviving to Thriving: Ken Bechtel

Welcome back to my video interview series, “Surviving to Thriving: Overcoming My Darkest Moment,” where I interview people about an emotional low point in their life and how they worked through it. In this episode I’m talking with speaker, educator and relationship mentor Ken Bechtel. Ken’s life was serendipitously lining up. He was living in a place he loved and engaged to an amazing woman… until it all came crashing down. Listen as Ken takes us through his darkest moment, and how he was...


Journey of Attachment: The Weight of Anger and Resentment

Do you have a resentment account? You know, similar to a savings account where you fill it up with all your angry deposits. Maybe you’ve been adding to it a lot lately—that happens in attached relationships—but I guarantee you’ve been contributing for much longer. It starts building from a young age, with all the hurt and pain of things not going your way. Instead of connecting with those feelings, you turn them into blame and make frequent deposits into your account. But the interest paid...


Searching For Consistency In Relationships

You have been looking your whole life for someone who is open, vulnerable and consistent, not understanding why you can’t find him/her. These are qualities you value, yet you don’t fully embody them yourself, so you look for someone who will compensate for where you’re closed and inconsistent. Unfortunately this isn’t the path to what you want because other people match you exactly where you are. Closed can’t meet open and inconsistent can’t meet consistent; those are the true laws of...


Surviving to Thriving: Lyneè Urban

This is the very first interview for “Surviving to Thriving: Overcoming My Darkest Moment.” Join me as I interview Lyneè Urban of Operation Fix My Life. She is a Nutrition and Lifestyle Coach dedicated to teaching busy women how to eliminate stress, transform their health, and rest their way to weight loss. While battling a lifelong struggle with food addiction and emotional eating, Lyneè experienced a health scare from the stress of balancing a family and full-time career. This motivated...


Journey of Attachment: Redefining Joy

Joy is not the absence of pain, although it can seem that way when you don’t know any better. When you feel stuck in your love life, nothing has a shine to it. You’re in search of something to make you feel happy, yet you don’t see the limitations you put on it. Perhaps you believe if you have too much joy, something bad must happen to compensate, so you keep it at bay. When you wish for big, but settle for little, you continue running in circles, chasing a feeling you don’t truly know....


Saving People From Learning Their Own Lessons

Do you hand out unsolicited advice, telling people how to live their lives? Maybe you think you’re doing them a favor because you want to save them from learning the “hard” way. After all, you know better than they do. Whether with friends or intimate relationships, this need to save people from themselves comes from a need for validation. It’s how you derive your value and earn your place. You think they are incapable, but really it’s a reflection of how you see yourself. And it’s...


Journey of Attachment: Manipulation Doesn’t Lead to Change

Your relationship isn’t going well. You don’t feel heard or appreciated, but you think if your partner would just try harder to do what you want him/her to do consistently, you’d feel better. Instead, you feel undermined because your feelings are dismissed; clearly you are “imagining things.” You’re angry, yet you remain in a stalemate with this person with you blaming and them defending. Even if you “get” your mate to change, things will resume to the way they were pretty quickly because...


Why Do I Always Feel Wrong Even When I’m Not?

The “I am wrong” belief is one that still pops up for me, and for many of my clients. The inner judge can be so critical, making you feel wrong for everything you do. It can often be triggered by what someone says. Maybe you’re at a neighbor’s home and comment on their vacation photo. Your neighbor says, “Yeah, my wife wanted to go to Hawaii, but I talked her out of it because it’s so overrated.” You’re headed to Hawaii next month so you get a pit in your stomach, feeling you’ve made a...


Journey of Attachment: The Fantasy of Someone Else’s Life

How much time do you spend investing in the lives of other people? Do you look at celebrities and think they know more about life than you do? Maybe you have a different set of rules for yourself and others, and the ones for yourself are much harsher. You punish yourself for falling short, but the people you look up to get a hall pass. This happens in attached relationships when you put your partner on a pedestal, allowing him/her to get away with stuff you would never allow of yourself....


Controlling Others So You’re Not Angry With Yourself

When you’re not happy with your current situation—whatever it is—you may feel angry. You think you’re pissed at the outside world, but really your anger lies with yourself. You don’t accept where you are; it’s not where you want to be. So in an attempt to quell your anger, you try to control other people, forcing your will upon them and manipulating them to do what you want. This provides a distraction so you don’t have to take responsibility for the choices you have made. This happens...


Journey of Attachment: Rescuing Others Doesn’t Win You Love

Do you ever look at others and pity them? Maybe there is someone in your life who you feel bad for, and want their situation to change. It actually bothers you if they do nothing to help themselves, so you feel this strong urge to rescue them. But why? What do you think they lack that keeps them stuck in this situation. What do you feel YOU lack? Yes, they are a mirror for you. In attached relationships, there is often a rescuer and a perpetrator—and both are also victims. When you feel a...


Teaching People How To Treat You

It’s hard to watch someone you care about being disrespected. You might even get pissed and wish you could control their reaction, wanting to yell out, “Why do you let him/her treat you that way?!” Maybe YOU even start treating them badly because they’re teaching you that behavior is ok. It’s not conscious—you’re just picking up on their modeling. So, what signals are you giving other people about how to treat you? Let’s say your partner is complaining about how their brother treats them....


Journey of Attachment: Never Beg to be Loved

This podcast title came from a meme that really resonated with me, “Never beg to be loved.” While it may not sound like something you would do, I see it quite often in insecurely attached relationships (it never happens in healthy relationships). Begging to be loved results from feeling misunderstood or not properly seen, and being so invested in the relationship that you need your partner to be in the same place you are. Your world revolves around him/her, and you’re terrified of not...


Universe, Please Stop Beating Me Up

The universe is powerful to be sure, but I speak to many people who believe it is in control and we’re just along for the ride. They think the universe decides if you should be punished or rewarded. This is simply not true. The universe does not act independently of you, serving as judge and jury. It comes from its connection to you—matching what’s inside you and supporting what you put out there. It does NOT govern your life. Blaming the universe or believing it’s out to get you just...


Journey of Attachment: Throwing Yourself a Pity Party

Something set you off, leaving you to feel everything sucks and no one loves you. Or you just woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Whatever the trigger, you feel the world is against you. Maybe it’s those old feelings of rejection, shame or imperfection that bubble up, so you look externally for validation you’re ok. But instead you find the opposite—more evidence you’re NOT ok. So what do you do? If you’re insecurely attached, you’ll probably throw yourself a pity party, which is a great...


Stealing Energy From Others

When I first started coaching, I came across the book “The Ever-Transcending Spirit: The Psychology of Human Relationships, Consciousness, and Development” by Toru Sato. In it he talks about the concept of stealing energy. When you have an energy deficit in yourself, you may try to get it from others by creating drama, manipulating, people-pleasing, punishing, etc. Yes, these are actually ways of trying to meet your own energy needs. You many not realize what you say or do is designed to...


Journey of Attachment: The Shame of Being Needy

No one wants to be called “needy” or “clingy,” so if you’re exhibiting this kind of behavior, you may be afraid to recognize and acknowledge it. It’s the last thing you want to admit to, especially if you fear judgment for it. Usually, you are in a relationship where you feel your needs are ignored or you have to be extra-special to get them fulfilled. Your image starts to crack, revealing your neediness. Then the shame kicks in because you do NOT want that label. Neediness comes from a...


Journey of Attachment: The Shame of Being Needy

No one wants to be called “needy” or “clingy,” so if you’re exhibiting this kind of behavior, you may be afraid to recognize and acknowledge it. It’s the last thing you want to admit to, especially if you fear judgment for it. Usually, you are in a relationship where you feel your needs are ignored or you have to be extra-special to get them fulfilled. Your image starts to crack, revealing your neediness. Then the shame kicks in because you do NOT want that label. Neediness comes from a...


Searching For Your Life’s Purpose

How often do you ask yourself why you’re here, and what your purpose is? I think everyone wrestles with this at some point in their life. You might be looking for signs you’re headed in the right direction so you don’t make a “wrong” decision and possibly fail. Maybe you’ve had a number of different jobs because none of them quite fit. Each provided something, but none of them lead to feeling you’d found your calling. You were looking for that lightning bolt and instead felt confused by...