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Journey of Attachment: Staying Too Long And Making Excuses

Your relationship isn’t going well. Perhaps your partner is verbally or emotionally abusive, threatening to leave or causing you harm. But there are good sides to him/her too, which you don’t want to discount, so you focus on that and make excuses for their bad behavior to yourself and others. Or you complain about your relationship to your friends, but act as if nothing is wrong when with your partner. You know you should leave, and part of you wants to, but deep down you believe this is...


I Look Like the Jerk

Most of us act like a jerk at times—that’s just life. Some work really hard to prove they are not a jerk by overcompensating while others double-down on their behavior and defensively say, “I don’t care what people think!” Both are avoidant, fearful reactions based on how others perceive you. When you truly accept who you are (the good and the bad), how people label you does not drive your behavior or affect how you view yourself. And very often who the “jerk” is in a given situation depends...


Journey of Attachment: I’ve Been Working on Myself Forever and Still Attract Jerks

You’ve done some work on yourself and have achieved a certain level of self-awareness, yet your relationship status doesn’t reflect that. Each time you dip your toe back into dating to see if things have changed, you say, “Yep, just as unsuccessful as before!” Then you go back into your cocoon hoping the next time you emerge you’ll find that perfect person. Unfortunately, personal growth isn’t suddenly rewarded by the universe. No one pats you on the back and says, “Good work, you deserve a...


I Don’t Like That! How Not to be a Hater

Ever notice how quick you are to say, “I don’t like X” or “I can’t stand it when people…”? Whether the subject is food or a person’s behavior or how something looks, you probably respond negatively on autopilot. This can be as simple as calling someone an a-hole for cutting you off on the freeway or as damaging as dismissing someone outright because you disagree with something they believe. Hate begets hate so the more you try to banish those unsavory people or situations from your life, the...


Journey of Attachment: Letting Others In

This podcast was inspired by an email from a listener. After getting out of a toxic relationship, she noticed her knee-jerk reaction of throwing up emotional walls when someone expressed interest in her. As someone who wants a healthy, committed relationship, she knows she needs to work through her fear, dismantle those walls and let people in… but how? Walls go up when your head takes control and runs amok with fear-based stories. For me, this happened when comparing my dates to someone I...


I Don't Want to be in Trouble

If you stopped for a moment and asked yourself about the unrest you feel about a mistake. What would you hear in your head? Could it be something like: "I cannot and will not take the responsibility for having made a mistake, misjudged someone, upset someone or anything else which could make me in trouble with myself." Add to that in trouble with anyone ever. The thought of responsibility feels like a loss of control, as though you are nothing. Now, this is a "feeling" not necessarily...


Journey of Attachment: Stop Fighting Your Attachment

When insecurely attached to someone, you probably react to them in one of three ways (depending on your mood or day of the week): wanting to run away screaming, clinging like a piece of moss or numbing yourself so you don’t feel much of anything. This back-and-forth can make you feel crazy and out of control, like you are trying to cut an invisible cord between you and the other person. But you can’t cut it and you are stuck in struggle. Perhaps your partner says he/she will commit, but...


It's All About Me, Me, Me

You may walk around with the fear of being called out or criticized. You want to be seen how you think you are, it's a lot of work to try and control what you cannot. It's as though you are constantly playing Monopoly, making it a mission to buy all the properties and negotiate for what you need. So tiring when your life is this way too. Self-protective and self-absorbed--I need to take care of me, me, me through working on my image, so I cannot be faulted. Ugh. Self-absorption—everything...


Journey of Attachment Identity Crisis: Can't Be Alone or Only Want To Be

Most insecurely attached people have an identity crisis going on that either they are aware of or completely checked out of. Many identify as introverts that are avoidants or anxious avoidants, but really they are isolationists. The clock says 5 and they are looking for the sanctity of their home. Sometimes being the isolationist lets them come out and play for a bit in a group—but do not get too close and do not bring them drama, they will run once again. On the other side of the coin are...


Please Go F**k Up Your Life

Some kind of advice, right? Having permission to do what it is you fear will f**k up your life is usually what will actually give you the life you want. It won’t destroy you, fear is the very element that holds us back from moving forward, moving on and making the change you want to happen. Emotional commitment is truly unmatchable. When you step outside of your head, stop asking for advice from others, you are taking steps toward f**king your life up as it feels like you are free-floating...


Surviving to Thriving: Andy J. Pizza

In this episode of “Surviving to Thriving: Overcoming My Darkest Moment” I talk with Andy J. Pizza, an American illustrator from Columbus, OH and creator of the multi-million-viewed Creative Prep Talk podcast series. As a child, Andy's mother abandoned two families and slipped into drug addiction. To escape from what he describes as a "curse" he began illustrating and eventually began working with his dream client, Nickelodeon. After a series of ups and downs, he eventually lost this dream...


Journey of Attachment: Love Your Anxiety

Anxiety isn’t the enemy—it’s just trying to do its job. It sounds the alarm when fear comes up, stepping in to take care of things. It provides a clue to your internal workings: where you lack trust, what you fear, what you don’t accept, etc. It is wrapped up with self-judgment and the fear of being seen. Trying to fix it by solving external problems won’t work. Even if the situation stops causing anxiety, that sleeping bear still lives inside you. Anxiety grows when you hate it, disown it,...


Rules in Relationships: WTF is Compromise?

Do you think other people should bend to what you want? To satisfy your way of doing things or perform the way you want? You may have this expectation without realizing the rules you are creating: it’s too late to make plans, we can’t talk on the phone more than once/week, etc. In relationships, this usually creates pain. Rules are related to control because you don’t trust yourself to be in a flow with your partner. They also result from a lack of healthy boundaries. Needing things to be a...


Journey of Attachment: Being An Anxious Pursuer In Relationships

“I attract avoidants” has almost become a mantra for anxious pursuers who are convinced they are only attracted to people who shun them. They believe relationships require a lot of effort, thus feeling a deeper connection to partners who reject them. If it comes easy, something must be wrong. This anxious pursuer is always focused on their partner, pushing, pulling and waiting for that “wake-up” moment that never comes. Let’s say you start dating someone who checks a lot of your boxes, but...


The Grey Area of Emotional Change

As much as we want life to be black and white so we can keep things neat and tidy, it’s not. That is your intellect trying to run the show. Everything is a shade of grey, especially when it comes to emotions. When you put your mind in charge of your emotional state, you make fear-based choices. There is no deep connection to yourself so you rely on rules rather than trusting yourself. Emotions are esoteric; they cannot be easily described or labeled because words are a mental construct. Stop...


Journey of Attachment: Emotional Unavailability--What’s the Cure?

Your relationship with yourself is reflected in your relationships with others. If you didn’t receive much unconditional love as a kid, you do not know what it’s like to give yourself love and attention. And if you don’t give those to yourself, others won’t be able to give them to you because you teach people how to treat you. Disregard your own feelings and other people will follow your lead. You also can’t receive what doesn’t already exist inside you, so if you’re looking for someone to...


I Need To Understand, Then I Can Keep ‘Em!

BUT WHY? You think if you can just understand what happened in your relationship, you can manage your emotions and put things back together. You won’t have to deal with loss or disappointment because you will make it work. If you can just understand why you were cheated on, broken up with, or treated badly, you can become the person he/she needs you to be. The problem with “understanding” is it is mental in nature, and a way of avoiding your emotions. Instead of sacrificing yourself to be...


Journey of Attachment: I Can’t Let Go! My “Best Friend” Connection to My Ex.

Having trouble detaching from a toxic relationship that is over because you swear he or she was your best friend? You try “no contact” and focus on yourself, which is great until you hear from them and lose all the ground you gained. You get sucked back into the hope that he or she has become the person you believed they could be, you know the best friend you imagined them to be plus more (lover, partner, et al). You hold onto fantasies and expectations about the day they will finally wake...


I Am Not Getting My Way! I Am Going To…

Do you want people to act a certain way, treat you a certain way or do things the way you want them done? Do you expect them to live up to your standards of what is acceptable, or who you think they should be? The problem with expectations is they lead to disappointment. So when someone inevitably lets you down, do you blame them or nag them until you get your way? Do you threaten to leave? What is your favorite flavor of ultimatum, and how far will you go to get your way? The root of these...


Surviving to Thriving: Alyssa Aubrey

In this episode of “Surviving to Thriving: Overcoming My Darkest Moment” I talk with Alyssa Aubrey, Founder and Director of Medicine Horse Ranch, an experiential learning center that incorporates horses into human development. Growing up, Alyssa was the daughter of an alcoholic father and co-dependent mother. At 8 years old she remembers a fight ensuing after the police brought home her drunk father. Unable to listen, she climbed out her bedroom window and ran as fast as she could, stopping...