The Reconnection Club Podcast

There are many more episodes to come! To find ALL episodes of the Reconnection Club Podcast, go to Reconnectionclub.com/podcast.

Safety can be physical – such as being safe inside during a storm – or emotional. In this important episode, Tina explains why “emotional safety” is more than a buzzword, and why unwillingly estranged parents benefit from understanding and embracing the concept. Emotional safety is important in close relationships. But for parents living without sufficient emotional safety themselves, creating safety for their adult children may not yet be possible. Tina gives examples of ordinary situations that don’t meet the human need for emotional safety. She encourages listeners to reflect on whether they might be living in those situations, and figure out how to improve or transform them wherever possible. She also shares 10 tips for increasing emotional safety in relationships. If your adult child has ever spoken to you about feeling safe in your relationship (or even if they haven’t), this episode is a must-listen. EPISODE LINKS: Emotional Safety is Necessary for Emotional Connection How to Be an Emotionally Safe Parent Members can discuss this episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join. Check out Tina’s book, Reconnecting with Your Estranged Adult Child.

Why is it so hard to be consistent in how you think or feel during estrangement from your adult child(ren)? Why does your heart sometimes ache for your adult child, and other times feel only frustrated and hurt? For some parents, there’s a quiet but persistent inner conflict between personal growth and repairing an estranged relationship. Those parents face an impossible choice: Should they be true to themselves? Or should they forsake their own healing and prioritize the relationship? An example of that conflict highlighted in this episode is when personal growth requires parents to speak up for themselves as part of healing from past emotional abuse or neglect. When their estranged adult children express dissatisfaction with the relationship, parents’ healthy need for boundaries and self-protection may conflict with the momentary need to listen without defensiveness. It’s a deeply disturbing and painful dilemma when preserving the relationship with oneself stands in opposition to nurturing the relationship with one’s child(ren). And while there’s no ready solution in the short term, it’s possible to keep the problem from becoming entrenched by continuing to walk with purpose along your own path of personal healing and growth, as Tina explains. EPISODE RESOURCE: Personal Healing: More Than a Detour for Rejected Parents For more on how to repair troubled relationships with adult children, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child. Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join.

Following on from RC Podcast Episode 160 (see episode links below), Tina tackles two more cognitive distortions, or mental mistakes, that can make an unwanted estrangement feel even worse than it already does. In this equally eye-opening episode, Tina offers multiple examples of overgeneralizing and catastrophizing in the context of estrangement from adult children. She explains how parents' personal histories can predispose them to these psychological pitfalls through no fault of their own. As always, there are practical suggestions for overcoming cognitive distortions and the chronic stress they tend to fuel. For more on coping with, understanding, and effectively addressing estrangement from estranged adult children, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child. Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join. EPISODE LINKS: RC Podcast Episode 160: Emotional Reasoning RC Podcast Episode 20: What Your Child’s Silence Really Means Feeling Good by David Burns Therapist directories: https://traumatherapistnetwork.com/ https://www.psychologytoday.com https://www.goodtherapy.org/

For millions of people around the world who celebrate Christmas* – including parents unwillingly estranged from their own adult children and grandchildren – “the most wonderful time of the year” can also be one of the least wonderful times. In this special Christmas episode for parents of estranged adult children, Tina normalizes emotional pain during what is supposed to be the season of good cheer. She outlines an attitude to adopt and a strategy to employ, to combat the painful uncertainty of what to expect at Christmas during an ongoing estrangement. As always, she invites listeners to take charge of their experience and remember their inherent value as human beings. Don’t miss this takeaway-packed episode. * If you’re an unwillingly estranged parent who doesn’t celebrate this particular holiday, click here for a list of more inclusive holiday-themed resources on this site. Please note: Some resources on that list are only accessible to Reconnection Club members. For much more information on coping with, and responding effectively to, estrangement by your adult child (or children), read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child. Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join. EPISODE LINKS: RC Podcast Episode 139: Emotions of Estrangement, Part 1 RC Podcast Episode 140: Emotions of Estrangement, Part 2 Constructive Wallowing: How to Beat Bad Feelings By Letting Yourself Have Them Make a Detailed Plan to Get Through Special Days RC Podcast Episode 131: Preparing for family therapy BONUS: Tina Gilbertson’s humorous, therapy-themed version of “The 12 Days of Christmas”

Parents of estranged adult children may feel – and believe – that estrangement is an emergency requiring immediate action on their part. It’s as though they stand to lose their adult child(ren) forever if they don’t do something about it right now. No wonder it feels like an emergency! And if those parents don’t know what to do, or if everything they do seems to make matters worse, they can fall into a state of terrible limbo. They become vulnerable to desperation, anxiety, depression, and more. Not taking immediate action to end estrangement (whatever that would be) does not mean losing your child forever. It’s just one example of a trick of the mind called “emotional reasoning.” Emotional reasoning is a cognitive distortion, or mental mistake, that can cause parents more pain than necessary during unwanted estrangement. In this informative episode, Tina explains the negative impact of emotional reasoning and gives examples she sees in parents she works with. Some of the examples might sound familiar to you. If so, this episode can help you begin to free yourself from the painful prison of emotional reasoning. For much more information on coping with, and responding effectively to, estrangement by your adult child(ren), read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child. Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join.

These things are true about estrangement support on the internet: 1. Many estranged adult children’s forums contain mean-spirited remarks about rejected parents. 2. Many rejected parents’ forums contain mean-spirited remarks about estranged adult children. 3. Mean-spirited remarks don’t heal the pain of estrangement on either side. True support, in the form of validation of emotion and compassionate education, are also available online. In this grounding episode, Tina shares the words of an unwillingly estranged parent who values the support available to her estranged adult child on the internet. If you’re worried about the internet turning your adult child against you, be prepared for an uplifting mindset shift. For much more on how to understand estrangement by adult children and what parents can do about it, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child. Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join. EPISODE LINKS: Freedom of Mind – education on cults

When your own adult child cuts you off, it can be deeply hurtful. And part of the reason for that pain is what it feels like their estrangement means. Many rejected parents believe it’s their personal flaws that prompted their adult children to create distance. They think that because they’ll never be perfect, there’s nothing they can do to repair the relationship. But estranged adult children don’t need parents to be perfect; just listen to RCP 121 on that point. In this helpful episode, Tina makes the case that parents’ weaknesses per se are not to blame for estrangement. All parents have flaws; those are simply part of the human landscape. Tina argues that it’s interactions -- through habits, family dynamics and specific behaviors -- that should be the focus of repair efforts. Unlike personality, personal interactions are potentially under our control. This is good news. You can’t (and don’t have to) change who you are. Specific behavioral changes are far more accessible. They could make a huge difference to you and your estranged adult child(ren). For more on how to repair troubled relationships with adult children, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child. Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join.

It’s common for parents to believe that the “punishment” of estrangement is supposed to fit the “crime” – whatever it may be – to which their adult child is holding them accountable by keeping their distance. This idea that the length or perceived severity of estrangement correlates exclusively to an injury or injuries suffered by the adult child in childhood is, in most cases, a myth. Trying to map your adult child’s estrangement onto their childhood may be nothing more than an exercise in frustration. Most parents remember making sacrifices and efforts on their children’s behalf. Therefore they tend to look back at the time as, at worst, a mixed bag for their child(ren). Relationships are complicated. So is estrangement. In this myth-busting episode, Tina advises listeners to stop linking present estrangement behavior to the distant past, and embrace the current context of accumulated experience. For more on understanding why adult children cut off their parents and what you can do about it, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child. Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join. EPISODE LINKS: Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child: Practical Tips and Tools to Heal Your Relationship These 4 Things Affect How Long You’ll Be Estranged RC Podcast Episode 20: What Your Child’s Silence Really Means RC Podcast Episode 154: Nothing Happens in a Vacuum

What are parents supposed to do when estranged adult children leave their belongings at home? That’s a tricky question. There isn’t just one right answer that will fit for every family. When you’re storing the belongings of someone who’s not talking to you, you’re in a difficult position – both logistically and emotionally. How do you decide what to do that won’t harm the relationship, when you have feelings and needs of your own? This episode normalizes the storing of adult children’s stuff, but also walks listeners through some good steps to take when a decision needs to be made about moving their possessions. For more ideas on how to repair your parent-adult child relationship, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child. Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join.

Estrangement from family is a kind of ambiguous loss. But some of the losses that are often associated with estrangement are definitive. They can be grieved. For parents who are unwillingly estranged from their adult children, there are at least five potential, definitive losses they might sustain during estrangement. Tina walks listeners through them in this important episode, and encourages you to begin the grieving process now. Once estrangement ends, many find that healing still takes time. By acknowledging and grieving identifiable losses during estrangement, you can start working through the emotional fallout from this painful passage. Links to resources mentioned in this episode are listed below. For more on how to respond effectively to estrangement by adult children, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child. Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join. EPISODE LINKS: RC Podcast Ep. 2 Estrangement is an Ambiguous Loss RC Podcast Ep. 95 The Deep Pain of the Rejected Parent RC Podcast Ep. 139 Emotions of Estrangement, Part 1 RC Podcast Ep. 151 Losing Time While Estranged Constructive Wallowing: How to Beat Bad Feelings By Letting Yourself Have Them

Some parents of estranged adult children beat themselves up for parenting “mistakes” they couldn’t possibly have avoided. Others blame their children for being difficult, ungrateful or too sensitive. What’s missing from these simplistic assignments of blame for estrangement? Context. According to Tina, context is very often overlooked to the detriment of both parents and children. In this episode, she gives three specific examples of context that many parents fail to fully appreciate. You may be inspired to examine the context of your own situation as you listen, and to consider its impact on feelings and behavior. Doing so can help you find peace and stop blaming yourself. For much more on how to understand estrangement by adult children and what parents can do about it, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child. Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join.

Some parents experiencing estrangement from their adult children have known estrangement before. Not necessarily from other people, but within themselves. Self-alienation is a kind of internal estrangement that has become almost normal in our culture. With so much information available and so much to do, we're not always fully present. We lose touch with ourselves over time, often without realizing it. In this actionable episode, Tina lists possible signs of self-alienation, along with specific practices to combat it. Where there’s disconnect inside in the form of self-alienation, it’s very hard to repair disconnected relationships on the outside. Use the material in this episode to start building a foundation for a close and connected relationship with your adult child or children. For information on why adult children become estranged and what parents can do about it, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child. Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join. EPISODE LINKS: Reconnection Club Podcast Episode 97: Road Map to Reconnection Feldenkrais Constructive Wallowing: How to Beat Bad Feelings By Letting Yourself Have Them

Estrangement from family, like everything else, takes place against the psychological backdrop of human development. Far from ending in adulthood, development continues throughout the lifespan, and offers hope for change in any given week, month or year of our lives. In this interesting episode, Tina takes listeners on a brief tour of the concept of lines of development (see links below for more). She points out that just because someone is intellectually gifted, that doesn’t mean they’re emotionally mature or socially aware. And vice versa: We don’t have to be intellectual giants to be emotionally aware or socially sensitive. Lines of development, along with the related theory of multiple intelligences, encourages us to remember ourselves and others as complex human beings. We're not either mature or immature, intelligent or unintelligent. Rather, we fall along a continuum of progress in each area. For more tips on how to think about an estrangement by your adult child(ren), and what to do to solve the problem, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child. Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join. EPISODE LINKS: Ken Wilber Fundamentals: Developmental Lines Explained About Integral Theory Gardner's Theory of Multiple Intelligences

If your adult child is not responding to texts, emails or any attempts at contact, at some point you might begin to worry about the time that’s passing during estrangement. This could happen for a couple of reasons… One frightening thought is that the longer adult child(ren) are estranged, the harder it will be to reconnect. That’s an understandable fear, but it’s not necessarily true. Worse, it often leads to parents trying to force reconnection prematurely (i.e., before they understand why it happened in the first place). The other acute concern regarding time is the loss of opportunities to be together during holidays and other special times. That fear of losing precious time together is the subject of this episode. Tina offers two big ideas to help parents gain a different perspective on the problem. She advises listeners to remember that things are not always as they seem; a perceived loss is not always an actual one. Also, losing time during estrangement can be prevented by spending time consciously. Your relationship with your adult child(ren) may be on hiatus, but your actual life doesn’t need to have gaps. For more on coping with an unwanted estrangement from your adult child(ren), read Tina’s book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child. Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join.

In this special two-part episode of the podcast, Tina reads a letter she received from an estranged adult child whose estrangement story began with childhood enmeshment. You’ll learn about enmeshment’s impacts on children, and why those impacts are sometimes invisible to even loving, conscientious parents. Listeners may gain clarity about their own situations through understanding that estrangement is not necessarily a failure of forgiveness. Estranged adult children are not necessarily stuck in the past or holding a grudge. The message of hope is that even though the past can’t be changed, the future of your relationship depends on what you do today in order to heal, learn and grow. Tina wants to acknowledge and thank the person whose letter made this informative special episode possible: May you and your mother be happy, peaceful, and joyfully connected. For ideas on how to repair your parent-adult child relationship, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child. Reconnection Club members can log in and discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join. EPISODE LINKS: Personal Healing: More Than a Detour for Rejected Parents

On this special two-part episode of the podcast, Tina reads a letter she received from an estranged adult child whose estrangement story began with childhood enmeshment. You’ll learn about enmeshment’s impacts on children, and why those impacts are sometimes invisible to even loving, conscientious parents. Listeners may gain clarity about their own situations through understanding that estrangement is not necessarily a failure of forgiveness. Estranged adult children are not necessarily stuck in the past or holding a grudge. The message of hope is that even though the past can’t be changed, the future of your relationship depends on what you do today in order to heal, learn and grow. Tina wants to acknowledge and thank the person whose letter made this informative special episode possible: May you and your mother be happy, peaceful, and joyfully connected. Links about enmeshment: GoodTherapy article on enmeshment The Enmeshed Family: What It Is and How to “Unmesh” Signs of Parent Enmeshment Checklist by Patricia Love Parentification interview with Steve Berman, LCSW (members only) RC Podcast episodes mentioned: 147: When to Stop Trying to Reconnect 95: The Deep Pain of the Rejected Parent 125: The GOOD Parent’s Biggest Blind Spot (See also Part 2) 46 You Can’t Change the Past (But It Doesn’t Matter) Members can log in and discuss this episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join. Check out Tina’s book, Reconnecting with Your Estranged Adult Child

Parents of estranged adult children often carry unhealed emotional wounds from long ago. The pain of those wounds can be reactivated when adult children become estranged, especially if original injuries involved separation, loss, rejection or abandonment. For those parents, the injury of unwanted estrangement brings back the pain of old trauma (with or without a capital T) that never had the chance to resolve. Now they must at least cope with the fallout, if not resume the healing, of those earlier hurts. In this episode, Tina outlines five differences between the process of healing and the practice of coping. And while both coping and healing are necessary and important, she urges listeners not to mistake good coping skills for the permanent gains of actual healing. If you’re aware of deep feelings of emptiness, sadness, or anger, and you sense they were there even before your adult child’s estrangement, consider working with a local counselor or therapist. Here are a few directories where you can search for a licensed mental health professional by zip or postal code: https://traumatherapistnetwork.com/ https://www.psychologytoday.com https://www.goodtherapy.org/ Other resources mentioned in this episode: Constructive Wallowing: How to Beat Bad Feelings By Letting Yourself Have Them RCP Episodes 125 and 126: The GOOD Parent’s Biggest Blind Spot

Many parents exhaust themselves trying in vain to reconnect with their estranged adult child or children. While some keep struggling to come up with new things to try, others succumb to despair and begin to believe the situation is hopeless. In both cases, the question may arise: When is the right time to stop trying? This is one of the saddest questions for unwillingly estranged parents. But whether it arises from despair or sheer exhaustion, the question deserves an answer. In this episode, Tina offers a sensible response to parents who are wondering whether it’s time to give up. Even if you’re in the unenviable position of being unwilling estranged, and all out of ideas, you’ll find the words in this episode to be as uplifting as they are informative. For ideas on how to repair your parent-adult child relationship, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child. Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join. EPISODE LINKS: Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child on Amazon Episodes 97 through 99 are right here in your podcast player app (RC members, log in and go to our Road Map page) Reconnection Club resource library (you must be logged in to access)

Breathe through your nose if you can. Make your exhale longer than your inhale. Slow down and deepen your breathing. All of those are simple, accessible ways to calm an upset nervous system. Controlled breathing is one of the oldest and most effective methods to combat stress over time. For parents unwillingly estranged from adult children and grandchildren, breathing can be a lifeline. In this inspiring (pun intended) episode, Tina shares excerpts from her conversation with Nick Heath, founder of the Breath Is Life Learning Center. Reconnection Club members will find the entire interview, along with the transcript, in our online library. Log in and go to Expert Interviews. For ideas on how to repair your parent-adult child relationship, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child. Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join.