Reels of Justice

The court’s Thanksgiving table is in an uproar this week when Jeremy Black talks turkey with us about the hottest double feature of 2023, "Barbie" and "Oppenheimer." *** “Oppenheimer”: Big Ben Haslar. “Barbie”: Jeremy Black. Judge: The Honorable Dylan J. Schlender. Jurors: Dylan J. Schlender, Maynard Bangs, Ryan Luis Rodriguez. *** Advisory: Silvana Carranza. Prologue: Kirk R. Thatcher. Original Theme: WT Golden.

As the court lays another Hell on Reels to rest, a shapeshifting monstrosity in the guise of Kandice Martellaro (“Stan Against Evil”) defends the 2011 remake of “The Thing.” *** Prosecutor: Big Ben Haslar. Defense: Kandice Martellaro. Grudge: The “Horrible” Ryan Luis Rodriguez. Jurors: Ryan Luis Rodriguez, Maynard Bangs, Dylan J. Schlender. *** Advisory: Silvana Carranza. Prologue: Kirk R. Thatcher. Original Theme: WT Golden.

The court is so happy this week when stuntman Leroy Patterson (“Fists of Fury”) sees a Full Moon a-risin' and defends the 1992 rock horror flick “Bad Channels.” *** Prosecutor: Dylan J. Schlender. Defense: Leroy Patterson. Grudge: The “Horrible” Maynard Bangs. Jurors: Ryan Luis Rodriguez, Maynard Bangs, Big Ben Haslar. *** Advisory: Silvana Carranza. Prologue: Kirk R. Thatcher. Original Theme: WT Golden.

But the Jack came back the very next day—Jack Bennett (“Never Surrender: A Galaxy Quest Documentary”) that is, and just in time to help us decide the best segment in the 1990 anthology horror film “Tales from the Darkside: The Movie.” *** “Lot 249”: Jack Bennett. “The Cat from Hell”: Big Ben Haslar. “Lover’s Vow”: Maynard Bangs. Grudge: The “Horrible” Dylan J. Schlender. Jurors: D-Rok Schlender, Dylan J. Schlender, Ryan Luis Rodriguez. *** Advisory: Silvana Carranza. Prologue: Kirk R. Thatcher. Original Theme: WT Golden.

We predict a bump in the ratings when Marty Ketola (“The Love Song of William H. Shaw”) comes down hard on the 2023 creature feature “Cocaine Bear.” *** Prosecutor: Marty Ketola. Defense: Maynard Bangs. Grudge: The “Horrible” Dylan J. Schlender. Jurors: Ryan Luis Rodriguez, Dylan J. Schlender, Big Ben Haslar. *** Advisory: Silvana Carranza. Prologue: Kirk R. Thatcher. Original Theme: WT Golden.

The court imagines a world of monsters without borders when C.K. Kimball (“Everybody Hates Clowns”) looks for to get a big dish of beef chow mein and defend 1997’s “An American Werewolf in Paris.” *** Prosecutor: Dylan J. Schlender. Defense: C.K. Kimball. Grudge: The “Horrible” Big Ben Haslar. Jurors: Maynard Bangs, Ryan Luis Rodriguez, Big Ben Haslar. *** Advisory: Silvana Carranza. Prologue: Kirk R. Thatcher. Original Theme: WT Golden.

Denial ain’t just a river in Egypt when Mike Natale (“You’re Missing Out Podcast”) tries to recruit the court in his pyramid scheme, the 2017 remake of “The Mummy.” *** Prosecutor: Big Ben Haslar. Defense: Mike Natale. Grudge: The “Horrible” Maynard Bangs. Jurors: Ryan Luis Rodriguez, Dylan J. Schlender, Maynard Bangs. *** Advisory: Silvana Carranza. Prologue: Kirk R. Thatcher. Original Theme: WT Golden.

The lights are out and we want our mommies when boogeyman Bouncin’ Bobby LePire (“Film Threat”) “le-ppears” out of nowhere to torment the 2022 experimental horror film “Skinamarink.” *** Prosecutor: Bouncin’ Bobby LePire. Defense: Maynard Bangs. Judge: Big Ben Haslar. Jurors: Dylan J. Schlender, Ryan Luis Rodriguez, Big Ben Haslar. *** Advisory: Silvana Carranza. Prologue: Kirk R. Thatcher. Original Theme: WT Golden.

Dust off that ol’ door to Movie Hell because Hell on Reels season is upon us! The court makes the mistake of inviting Isabel Teran and Carl Putnam of the “Hearsing Around” Podcast inside to defend the 2009 vampire musical “Suck.” *** Prosecutor: Dylan J. Schlender. Defense: Isabel Teran. Special Witness for the Defense: Carl Putnam. Grudge: The “Horrible” Ryan Luis Rodriguez. Jurors: Ryan Luis Rodriguez, Maynard Bangs, Big Ben Haslar. *** Advisory: Silvana Carranza. Prologue: Kirk R. Thatcher. Original Theme: WT Golden.

The court puts the spy back in spiteful when Cam Sully (“Jacked Up Review Show Podcast”) defends the absurdly-titled 2002 action film, “Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever.” *** Prosecutor: Ryan Luis Rodriguez. Defense: Cam Sully. Judge: Big Ben Haslar. Jurors: Dylan J. Schlender, Maynard Bangs, Big Ben Haslar. *** Advisory: Silvana Carranza. Prologue: Kirk R. Thatcher. Original Theme: WT Golden.

Chuck Norris jokes find the court guilty this week when Robin Warder (“The Trail Went Cold” Podcast) roundhouse kicks all the haters of 1986’s “The Delta Force.” *** Prosecutor: Dylan J. Schlender. Defense: Robin Warder. Judge: The Honorable Maynard Bangs. Jurors: Ryan Luis Rodriguez, Maynard Bangs, Big Ben Haslar. *** Advisory: Silvana Carranza. Prologue: Kirk R. Thatcher. Original Theme: WT Golden.

Author Frieda Toth (“James Bond, Route 9 and Me”) gets her license to kill renewed this week when she looks to silence the first of the Timothy Dalton Bond films, 1987’s “The Living Daylights.” *** Prosecutor: Frieda Toth. Defense: Maynard Bangs. Judge: Big Ben Haslar. Jurors: Dylan J. Schlender, Ryan Luis Rodriguez, Big Ben Haslar. *** Advisory: Silvana Carranza. Prologue: Kirk R. Thatcher. Original Theme: WT Golden.

The court is off to the wacky races this week when the dastardly Professor Jeremy Black tries to steal first place in a head-to-head bumper-to-bumper showdown between “The Great Race (1965)” and “Monte Carlo or Bust! (1969).” *** “The Great Race”: Jeremy Black. “Monte Carlo or Bust!”: Big Ben Haslar. Judge: The Honorable Maynard Bangs. Jurors: Dylan J. Schlender, Maynard Bangs, Ryan Luis Rodriguez. *** Advisory: Silvana Carranza. Prologue: Kirk R. Thatcher. Original Theme: WT Golden.

This week, we “Talk Flix and Chill” with art historian Dr. Noah Charney (“The 12-Hour Film Expert”) as he bears a personal grudge against 2021’s artistic crime—wait, we should clarify it’s about art theft—2021’s “Red Notice.” *** Prosecutor: Maynard Bangs. Defense: Dr. Noah Charney. Judge: The Honorable Ryan Luis Rodriguez. Jurors: Ryan Luis Rodriguez, Dylan J. Schlender, Big Ben Haslar. *** Advisory: Silvana Carranza. Prologue: Kirk R. Thatcher. Original Theme: WT Golden.

This week, we get our ass to Mars when Bouncin’ Bobby LePire (“Film Threat”) defends the film with the blandest title in history, the 2012 sci-fi film “John Carter.” *** Prosecutor: Big Ben Haslar. Defense: Bouncin’ Bobby LePire. Judge: The Honorable Dylan J. Schlender. Jurors: Dylan J. Schlender, Ryan Luis Rodriguez, Maynard Bangs. *** Advisory: Silvana Carranza. Prologue: Kirk R. Thatcher. Original Theme: WT Golden.

The floor is lava in the courtroom this week when Dwight Hurst (“Broken Brain” Podcast) defends one of those Tom Hanks comedies that were always on TV, 1990’s “Joe Versus the Volcano.” *** Prosecutor: Dylan J. Schlender. Defense: Dwight Hurst. Judge: The Honorable Maynard Bangs. Jurors: Ryan Luis Rodriguez, Maynard Bangs, Big Ben Haslar. *** Advisory: Silvana Carranza. Prologue: Kirk R. Thatcher. Original Theme: WT Golden.

Hi-Yo, Silver! Away! On this week’s episode, Mike Natale (“You’re Missing Out Podcast”) cowboys up in defense of the 2013 Western “The Lone Ranger.” *** Prosecutor: Maynard Bangs. Defense: Mike Natale. Judge: The Honorable Ryan Luis Rodriguez. Jurors: Dylan J. Schlender, Ryan Luis Rodriguez, Big Ben Haslar. *** Advisory: Silvana Carranza. Prologue: Kirk R. Thatcher. Original Theme: WT Golden.

The court tries to stomach all these damn vampire movies as Justin Andrews (“Mind Pump Media”) defends the 1987 cult classic “The Lost Boys.” *** Prosecutor: Dylan J. Schlender. Defense: Justin Andrews. Judge: The Honorable Maynard Bangs. Jurors: Ryan Luis Rodriguez, Maynard Bangs, Big Ben Haslar. *** Advisory: Silvana Carranza. Prologue: Kirk R. Thatcher. Original Theme: WT Golden.

The court tries to find itself as Sydney Carrington (“Mystery Cider Theater 3000”) spoils the ending of the 2010 Scorsese film “Shutter Island.” *** Prosecutor: Sydney Carrington. Defense: Ryan Luis Rodriguez. Judge: The Honorable Big Ben Haslar. Jurors: Dylan J. Schlender, Maynard Bangs, Big Ben Haslar. *** Advisory: Silvana Carranza. Prologue: Kirk R. Thatcher. Original Theme: WT Golden.

Yas Queen! The court learns to let it go this week when Professor Jeremy Black helps us choose between 2014’s “Maleficent” and 2013’s “Frozen.” *** “Maleficent”: Jeremy Black. “Frozen”: Dylan J. Schlender. Judge: The Honorable Maynard Bangs. Jurors: Big Ben Haslar, Maynard Bangs, Ryan Luis Rodriguez. *** Advisory: Silvana Carranza. Prologue: Kirk R. Thatcher. Original Theme: WT Golden.