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Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast

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Square Roots is like a book club, but for classic RPGs! Each episode John, Matthew, Jim and Vanessa play through a chunkerino of one of your favorite RPGs, from Final Fantasy through Chrono Trigger. Are they experts? No. Are they qualified? Absolutely not. Are they good at RPGs? Probably not. But they're the fun kind of dumb, and that's what counts.

Square Roots is like a book club, but for classic RPGs! Each episode John, Matthew, Jim and Vanessa play through a chunkerino of one of your favorite RPGs, from Final Fantasy through Chrono Trigger. Are they experts? No. Are they qualified? Absolutely not. Are they good at RPGs? Probably not. But they're the fun kind of dumb, and that's what counts.
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Square Roots is like a book club, but for classic RPGs! Each episode John, Matthew, Jim and Vanessa play through a chunkerino of one of your favorite RPGs, from Final Fantasy through Chrono Trigger. Are they experts? No. Are they qualified? Absolutely not. Are they good at RPGs? Probably not. But they're the fun kind of dumb, and that's what counts.




Rogue Galaxy Part 1 - A Real Chaz

It's a short chunker as we start Level 5's cult classic RPG Rogue Galaxy! There's mistaken identity, Scottish Volus, a man named Raul, skull camels, Cobra Commander cats, Chaz 2: The Chazening, Generic Girl: She's Fine, the Revelation Flow, and awkward Kingdom Heartsy combat. Let's go catch some Moussers and head out to space! This Week: We play chapter one in Rogue Galaxy! Next Week: We play chapter two and three in Rogue Galaxy! Our theme for this series is Ferdk's cover of Brave Heart,...


The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion Part 5 - That's So... Ruma?

We've been to Paradise, but have we been to me? Yes. Of course we have. We dive into Martin's gaping portal and head off for the penultimate great battle: a very quick sword fight against Mankar Cameron. He loses. It's not very climactic. BUT. Things get real interesting when you get back to the Imperial city! Daedra Kaiju! Self-immolation! The City Guard Versus Martin, if you're Matthew. We wrap up the Thieves and Assassin's Guild, as well as Johnny just doing random weird side quests. And...


The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion Part 4 - Felix's Purrfect Plans

Someone on the podcast has a weakness for Rob (and his sister Tilda)'s gruesome cinematic output, and it's not who you might think! We start off the podcast with some sad news, and then some mixed news. The podcast is in disarray! When will we play Chrono Cross? What will we play next? Why is Vanessa murdering so many people? Why does John get lost in such a small level? We open up a giant Oblivion gate and bring all of Cyrodil together for lots of procedural nonsense, slightly broken...


The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion Part 3 - Tootiest Sexiest!

Okay, right off the bat - we're all kind of d*ck crazy in this episode because the news has been nothing but wieners. On this episode we deep dive into side quests and get some fancy armour that for some dumb reason Vanessa just can't wear. Plus: John's all-scamp boyband, Fantasy Shrevport, we pitch a new Avengers game, Jim and John embark on a pilgrimage, Mirror Universe Square Roots Where We're All In Leather And Making Out, and spy hunting! This Week: We get the armor out of *Sancre...


The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion Part 2 - Potter Babies!

You'll have so many questions about Jim's terrible meme, but hopefully this episode will try to answer it. As we play through Bethesda's smash hit open world RPG, each host tries their best to be upsetting. First, Vanessa's choice of TV show disgusts the rest of the podcast. Second, Jim's terrible meme. Third, Matt's upsetting roleplaying of his cat Felix. And finally John decides to buy some waterfront property so he can truly start his SkullQuest. This Week: We crash the Daedric Cult's...


The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion Part 1 - TV's Gandalf

Dust off that cloth map, it's time to head to Cyrodil! That's right, we're off to explore the verdant pastures and thrilling forests of Bethesda's Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion! Topics covered this week: Pee Stew, Vanessa's CSI problem, Matthew's naughty kitty Felix, Vanessa's slight Oblivion obsession, Sean Bean sightings, John blaming glitches for pretty much everything wrong with his life, and so much more! This Week: We meet Brother Martin and rescue him from Kvatch in The Elder Scrolls...


Final Fantasy VI Part 8 - A Little Night Hooters

It's all Sondheim all the Sond-time on this episode of Square Roots! We learn about Sondheim's famous love of breasts, his pioneering of reverse-alley staging (and the sex position), and his improvised piano songs in a series of completely true facts that were not made up. OH. We also finish Final Fantasy VI! TAKE THAT KEFKA, YOU THIRD RATE FINAL FANTASY VILLAIN. While we may be down on mimes, clowns, and clown-mimes we are definitely all for what might be the single best final boss battle...


Final Fantasy VI Part 7 - Sympathetic Catfishing

We collect all the missing party members! Good news! No one died! Unless you left Shadow out to die, you monster. Wait, he left his friend to do so maybe you're the real monster if you save him? Morality is weird, friends. We talk about catfishing, the secrets of silk production, teen pregnancy, Locke gets his dead girlfriend back, Strago joins a cult, and we don't even know what was going on with Owzer and Relm. This Week: We gather the gang together in the World of Ruin! Next Week: We...


Final Fantasy VI Part 6 - Sabin All My Love For You

We're all flipping water bottles, dabbing, and diving out of moving cars in this exciting, hip, current episode of Square Roots. Is John compensating because he's now 39? Is Matthew known for being angry? Is Vanessa fed up with ladies giving up because they learned about motherhood? Is Jim just cranky? YOU BET. Also there's tons of Star Trek talk, the sad death of Bananaman, the dark, moody World of Ruin, discussing the name Darill, the ethics of looting a crumbling house, ten minutes of...


Final Fantasy VI Part 5 - Simply Quite Precrocious

Lulu! Rubber shirts! Esper Rumspringa! John questions Vanessa's age! The earth gets mad! Final Fantasy VI presents what seems like an early endgame as Kefka wreaks havoc on the planet, and then the party... well... it doesn't really save anyone. But! There are robots. And TWO Ultros appearances! 02:50 - Level Up 21:40 - The Quest Mog 01:30:30 - Bullshit Minigame Corner 01:32:30 - Squarely Against This Week: We play until you leave the Floating Continent! Next Week: We play until you...


Sierra Roots!

MATTHEW'S LAPTOP EXPLODED. So our regularly scheduled episode won't be up for a couple of days. So in the mean time, here is the first episode of Sierra Roots. We discuss the best and worst of Sierra, Vanessa premieres her phantasmagoria true crime podcast documentary, and ReVenture Games's Natalie Juhasz discusses how Laura Bow's beloved stupidity helped inspire Lorna Bains. Final Fantasy VI will be there REAL SOON! I swear!


Final Fantasy VI Part 4 - Canadian Jolly Ranchers

Intense drama! Banana suits! Minecart escapes! How babies are made! Talkabos! Sealed doors! Sexy Grandma returns! All this and more in a slightly rambling, somewhat tangent filled fun fest! 02:45 - Level Up 32:00 - The Quest Mog 01:12:40 - Bullshit Minigame Corner 01:15:15 - Squarely Against This Week: We play until the the party gets to the Sealed Door! Next Week: We play until you leave the Floating Continent! Our intro music for this series is The OneUps' cover of Terra's...



It's hot takes aplenty as we hit the most fondly remembered chunker of Final Fantasy VI: THE OPERA SCENE. Who loves it? Who finds the synthesized warbling kind of crappy? You'll never guess! Also in this episode: Locke's creepy girlfriend storage room, Hill Gigases, Ultros's fantastic return, Setzer being a creepazoid, the history of the two-headed coin, espadrilles, and so much more! 02:45 - Level Up 18:40 - The Quest Mog 01:25:00 - Bullshit Minigame Corner 01:28:40 - Squarely...


Final Fantasy VI Part 2 - Meet Humpty, Also Dumpty

We're hot and distracted in this episode, so bear with us. You may want to, you know, skip ahead to the Quest Mog. We're just saying. It's tangent town, population: this podcast! This week we discuss train suplexing, Kefka's unhappy army, Terra's crappy scenario, why Shadow is a jerk, dogs enjoying badminton, blue spartans, Nomi Malone, that weird Final Fantasy III commercial where Mog has a gruff voice, ULTROS, a kid that can destroy the most powerful karate man, Gau's tragic backstory that...


Final Fantasy VI Part 1 - Translation By 90s Leonardo DiCaprio

There's a lot of talk about child stars in this episode of Square Roots, which is suprising given that we're talking about THE NUMBER ONE GREATEST RPG EVER, Final Fantasy VI. So is it really the Number One Greatest? Are Biggs and Wedge dating? Is Terra a witch or a sorceress? Is Edgar flirting due to societal pressure, or is he a creep? How can Sabin be a bear icon when he doesn't even have a beard? Stay tuned for the weremammothiest, lightning snailiest, daddy killingiest Square Roots...


Fable Part 6 - Deep Lisa Turtle Lore Dive

Did Fable harness the power of the Xbox and our hearts? Or was it a fetid balverine of disappointment? We give our final review of Fable as we finish the game and delve into the extra Lost Chapters content. Topics include: a glyph that unlocks prime Saved by the Bell knowledge; Vanessa's molten lava attraction; Matthew's trail of carnage and SO MUCH MORE. 04:40 - Level Up 15:05 - The Quest Log 01:07:35 - Bullshit Minigame Corner 01:10:00 - Squarely Against This Week: We finish Fable!...


Fable Part 5 - You Kracken, Me Up!

Since Jim has given up on his Fable quest, he's resorted to coming up with the worst Dad Jokes to help us through rescuing The Scarlet Robe, infiltrating a prison, stopping a kidnapping, looting a graveyard, and other spooky RPG tasks! It may not be the penultimate episode of Fable that you expected, but it's the one you deserve. This Week: We rescue the Scarlet Robe! Next Week: We finish Fable! And the Lost Chapter! Our intro music for this series is THEoneNILS’s cover of the Oakvale...


Fable Part 4 - The Sock Method

We're still giving inappropriate books to schoolchildren in Fable, but that's not the least of our adventures. There's scorpion slaying! Murdertimes! John striking out bad! Trying out fun names for big evil door heads! Plus: we meet the Jack of Blades, and deep secrets are revealed! This Week: We conquer the Arena! Next Week: We rescue The Scarlet Robe! Our intro music for this series is THEoneNILS’s cover of the Oakvale theme! TheOneNils YouTube:...


Fable Part 3 - Rear Eye for the Right Guy

HELLO PATRIOTS. GET YOUR BACKSTAGE PASSES READY, IF YOU'RE HERE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS. WE'VE TAKEN THIS PODCAST IN A LUCRATIVE NEW DIRECTION. Did we say lucrative? We mean patriotic. And not les patriotes, we're talking real American Patriots! NO CANADIAN HISTORY LEARNING HERE. Also: Vanessa leans in to her poly preferences, we discover teaching school children in Albion can be rewarding, Matthew keeps murdering, John gets a crush on a boss, and burp fart my butt my butt. 06:00 - Level...


Fable Part 2 - Spotify: The Monster of Blades

Now we find out just what happens when you fall in love with Matthew and then he asks you to follow him somewhere. The answer? You get sacrificed at the Temple of Scorn, and then can't skip more than two songs without paying their premium: YOUR SOUL. Also in this episode: mushroom talk, fishing, Yuko's Island Express, Matthew gives excellent Troll advice, and much more! 02:25 - Level Up 10:15 - The Quest Log 01:07:00 - Bullshit Mini Game Corner 01:11:05 - Squarely Against This Week: We...