Adoptees Crossing Lines

Adoptee Origin Story: Dr. Noelle Two white people raised me, an African American child. I’m Dr. Noelle and this is the secret-filled story of my adoption after being an orphan in Texas. What we discussed (00:00) Cosplaying as adoptees? (01:35) The stories I was told (05:30) My abusive adoptive mother (06:15) Taking a DNA test to find my family (09:42) They didn’t know I existed (15:39) Whole for the first time in my life (17:03) My bio mom’s origin story (21:35) Uncomfortable being mothered (26:43) What would’ve been… Links Follow us on social media: Twitter | Instagram | Tiktok Credits Special thanks to Samuel Oyedele for editing our podcast, support his work on Instagram or e-mail him at Drumaboyiglobal@gmail.com

Adoptee Origin Story: Lia I’m Lia and this is my adoptee origin story from foster care to reuniting with my siblings. What I shared (01:02) What I was told about my bio parents (02:18) What actually happened (04:59) My adoptive parents (05:34) My birth father’s side of the story (06:36) My access to adoption information (10:04) Accessing my biological family name (12:33) Meeting my siblings (19:49) Aspirations for biological relationships (21:47) What I tell people about my background (25:21) What’s medical foster care? (26:35) Death of my foster mom (Ms. Loretta) & my bio mom Links Lia’s LinkTree: https://linktr.ee/liaepps Follow us on social media: Twitter | Instagram | Tiktok Credits Special thanks to Samuel Oyedele for editing our podcast, support his work on Instagram or e-mail him at Drumaboyiglobal@gmail.com

Adoptees & Mental health Why adoptees are more likely to commit suicide Trigger Warning: Suicide, Suicidal ideation, Involuntary hospitalization Adoptees are 4x more likely to commit suicide, in this episode we unpack why that is. Being an adoptee is a lifelong sentence, we have to cosplay as someone else’s child, we belong almost nowhere - and on top of all that, we invest emotional labor educating therapists about our mental health. Throughout the episode, we answer questions you’ve asked us on Twitter about adoptee mental health. “To be a Negro in this country and to be relatively conscious is to be in a rage almost all the time.” - James Baldwin What we discussed (00:00) Content Warning (00:47) Should the state fund adoptee therapy? (02:21) Cosplaying as someone else’s child (07:40) Why adoptees struggle with mental health (11:31) Why holidays suck for us (13:23) Does sharing our experiences help? (19:26) The anger inside of us (24:07) Finding an adoptee-competent therapist OR Finding a therapist that understands adoption OR Finding a therapist you don’t have to teach (29:10) What works (other than therapy)? (32:57) Societal gaslighting against adoptees Links Follow us on social media: Twitter | Instagram | Tiktok Learn more about Lia Adoptee Therapists: https://growbeyondwords.com/adoptee-therapist-directory/ Credits Special thanks to Samuel Oyedele for editing our podcast, support his work on Instagram or e-mail him at Drumaboyiglobal@gmail.com

Adoptees as parents Parenting as an adoptee What’s it like when you’re adopted and then become a parent? We discuss the unexpected joys and reliefs of parenting, the mistakes we were almost programmed to make, how parenting can heal us, how to tell your children you’re adopted, and being careful about not placing a burden on our children that they aren’t equipped to carry. PS: If it isn’t clear yet, we would never put our children up for adoption. What we discussed (00:00) How being an adoptee affects the way you parent OR Adoptee parenting patterns (05:46) Being a helicopter mom (07:16) “No way I was putting my child up for adoption” (08:47) Late discovery adoptees (11:29) Telling your kids you’re adopted (16:34) Are adoptees better parents? (20:51) Disadvantages of being an adopted parent OR Biggest regret as an adopted parent (25:57) Parenting and healing (31:15) Greatest joy of parenting (33:55) Advice for adoptive parents (35:31) Legacy Links Follow us on social media: Twitter | Instagram | Tiktok Learn more about Lia Credits Special thanks to Samuel Oyedele for editing our podcast, support his work on Instagram or e-mail him at Drumaboyiglobal@gmail.com

Adoptees & Identity For all our lives, our identities as adoptees have been stripped away from us. Our names changed, our blackness erased, and our birth certificates stolen. This episode we break down the ugly reality of having a fluid identity. Adoption is about stripping us of our decision-making autonomy, so this episode is a call for us to reclaim our identity in a way that we decide makes sense. What we discussed (00:00) What is identity, to us? (02:30) How our identity changed when we found out we’re adopted OR Finding out we’re adopted and our identity OR Discovering you’re adopted (11:09) Am I black? White? Latino? (erasing blackness) (13:37) Am I an only child? Oldest child? Middle child? (17:07) Choosing an identity vs. how other people identify us (22:51) Doing a DNA test as an adoptee (28:46) “my adoptive mom's dad assaulted me” OR CW: Sexual assault and gaslighting (35:16) Changing names as adoptees (& internalizing anti-blackness) (39:23) Not owning a birth certificate (42:59) “I have no clue who I am” Links Follow us on social media: Twitter | Instagram | Tiktok Learn more about Lia Credits Special thanks to Samuel Oyedele for editing our podcast, support his work on Instagram or e-mail him at Drumaboyiglobal@gmail.com

Blackness and adoption Adoption taught us anti-blackness Being adopted makes us an “other” whether we were raised by white, black, or brown families. In this episode we talk about unlearning the anti-blackness we internalized as children, why black adoptees cost less than white adoptees, the parallels between adoption and slavery, and our experiences growing up as black adoptees. What we discussed (00:00) “I couldn’t have been blacker” (raised by a white family) (03:52) Cost of black child vs. cost of white child (11:15) No idea how to raise a black child OR Internalizing racism as a black adopted child (17:59) True cost of hating our blackness (19:45) Did we know other adoptees as children? (26:30) Adoption and slavery (similarities) (32:17) Our experience as black adoptees Links Follow us on social media: Twitter | Instagram | Tiktok Learn more about Lia Credits Special thanks to Samuel Oyedele for editing our podcast, support his work on Instagram or e-mail him at Drumaboyiglobal@gmail.com

An open letter to the people who bought me Yesterday I decided to text my adoptive parents that they failed me as parents, it was the first time I ever confronted them. I talk about how they responded in this episode and open up about being sexually assaulted as a child…then gaslighted. This was never my burden to carry, but they always blamed me. They used religion as a guise to avoid responsibility. Instead of risking the possibility of ruining their image, they chose to definitely ruin my life. This episode is an open letter to my adoptive parents, the people who bought me. “Shame dies when we tell our story” What we discussed (00:00) What happened yesterday OR What I texted my adoptive parents OR Telling my adoptive parents they failed me (01:52) No one believed I was sexually assaulted OR Being sexually assaulted was MY fault???! (06:45) They were EDUCATORS (08:06) Should child protective services be abolished? OR Abolishing child protective services? OR Why I’m an abolitionist (09:42) Olivia Atkocaitis’ story (11:02) How the police failed me before I was born OR The police system is not broken. (14:22) My parents were cowards OR I’m relieved he died (17:38) Standing up to my parents for the first time (20:15) How they responded (25:36) Why I sent the text (28:39) Own your story Links Olivia Atkocaitis’ Story on NBC Follow us on social media: Twitter | Instagram | Tiktok Learn more about Lia Credits Special thanks to Samuel Oyedele for editing our podcast, support his work on Instagram or e-mail him at Drumaboyiglobal@gmail.com

Most challenging parts of friendship and dating for adoptees Why friendship and dating are so hard for adoptees What friends and partners don’t understand about adoptees As adoptees, we never want to rock the boat in any relationship we’re in be it with friends, family, or partners. The fear of abandonment is always lingering, and never an afterthought. So, what does that do to our minds? How does it affect our ability to bond? What do we need from our friends and partners? Should our partners meet our families? If yes, which family?! We share how we’ve tackled these disorienting questions in our lives as 3 adoptees. What we discussed (00:00) Dating as an adoptee OR Do you tell your partner you’re adopted? (03:59) Partners meeting the family OR Meeting the family: which family would they meet? (06:12) Educating partners about adoptee life (10:06) How does adoption affect friendships? (14:43) Are adoptees people pleasers OR Adoption and people-pleasing OR Standing up for yourself as an adoptee (people pleasing) (20:14) Protecting our parents’ “image” (27:48) Most challenging aspects of relationships for adoptees OR Hardest thing about relationships for adoptees (29:05) Advice for partners of adoptees Links Follow us on social media: Twitter | Instagram | Tiktok Learn more about Lia Credits Special thanks to Samuel Oyedele for editing our podcast, support his work on Instagram or e-mail him at Drumaboyiglobal@gmail.com

The fact that there are more rigorous mental health requirements for people who want to do weight loss surgeries than there are for adoptive parents is a shame. Adoptive parents think they’ve done us a huge favor and “saved” our lives, that without them we’d be worse off - that’s the lie the whole industry is built on. Holding up that lie is racism, colonialism, and narcissism. The adoption industry thrives on centering the role of adoptive parents as saviors…so we pick that lie apart and reflect on why infertility is not a good enough reason to qualify for adoption. What we discussed (00:00) What is adoption saviorism? (05:02) Racism and colonialism in adoption (09:57) Adoptive home = good; biological home = bad OR BIGGEST myth of the adoption industry (13:05) Who is “entitled” to adopt? (16:33) Infertility is NOT a reason to adopt (19:31) Mental health checks for adoptive parents (21:09) The lie of selflessness OR Power dynamics of saviorism Links Follow us on social media: Twitter | Instagram | Tiktok Credits Special thanks to Samuel Oyedele for editing our podcast, support his work on Instagram or e-mail him at Drumaboyiglobal@gmail.com Learn more about Lia

Ungrateful Adoptees No, I’m not grateful you adopted me. Why would I be grateful for family separation? Why would I be grateful for being lied to about where I came from? Why would I be grateful for solving their infertility issues? It’s adoptive parents that should be grateful to have us, not the other way around. This episode is all about rejecting the tone-dead narrative of gratefulness in adoption. We poke at all the layers of gratefulness and ungratefulness that we have to deal with behind the scenes as adoptees. What we discussed (00:00) We’re not grateful for being adopted: here’s why (04:18) Adoption is a business OR We are anti-family separation (06:00) Adoption sites/groups AREN’T our friend OR Adoption twitter is not a safe space (08:54) Abused by adoptive family OR Abusive adoptive families (12:40) The “better life” myth in adoption OR “I would have been better off with my biological family” (14:59) Why child protective services is broken (17:24) Gratefulness and reunification (19:19) Not grateful for being lied to as an adoptee (24:49) Robbing us of our birth right Links Peer Support Space (Support Group - Adult Survivors of the Child Welfare System) Follow us on social media: Twitter | Instagram | Tiktok Credits Special thanks to Samuel Oyedele for editing our podcast, support his work on Instagram or email him at Drumaboyiglobal@gmail.com Learn more about Lia

It’s a Family Reunion Family reunification for adoptees: our journeys, challenges and advice Our family reunification stories (as adoptees) Scouring through facebook, twitter, and adoption boards to find your biological family is a heavy journey. There are so many risks: what if they reject us again? What if they abandon us again? What if our adoptive parents feel offended? Not to mention, we’re going to have to build relationships with our biological family from the ground up. Reunion is different for every adoptee. Through sharing our own reunification stories, we give you tips on how to reunite with your biological family, what expectations to manage, whether your biological family should meet your adoptive family, and how reunification interrupts lives other than your own. What we discussed (00:00) Family reunification is different for every adoptee (02:42) Our family reunion experiences and expectations (17:06) Runification = Interrupting lives (21:54) Challenges of family reunification OR Hardest parts of family reunification (29:06) Next steps in our reunion journeys (32:44) Tips for starting your family reunion journey Links Peer Support Space (Support Group - Adult Survivors of the Child Welfare System) Follow us on social media: Twitter | Instagram | Tiktok Credits Special thanks to Samuel Oyedele for editing our podcast, support his work on Instagram or e-mail him at Drumaboyiglobal@gmail.com Learn more about Lia

Adoptees and grief Coping with grief as an adoptee They change our name, our identity is erased. They don’t change it, we feel like outsiders. As adoptees, we don’t belong to any family…neither our adoptive family or biological family really gets us. In this episode, we talk about the many ways grief shows up for adoptees and talk about tools of coping with adoption including finding a trauma therapist who understands adoption, joining support groups, and writing dark poetry. “I don’t want this adoption stigma to carry me forever” What we discussed (00:00) Changing names after adoption (04:13) Ways adoptees experience grief (09:35) TW: Adoptees and suicide OR Why adoption is trauma OR Finding adoption-competent therapists (the struggle is real) (16:08) Secrecy and adoption (21:03) “He chose not to raise me” (24:08) Coping with adoption trauma (besides therapy) OR Other ways to cope with adoption trauma (besides therapy) (28:52) It’s ok not be ok, adoptees. Links Peer Support Space (Support Group - Adult Survivors of the Child Welfare System) Follow us on social media: Twitter | Instagram | Tiktok Credits Special thanks to Samuel Oyedele for editing our podcast, support his work on Instagram or e-mail him at Drumaboyiglobal@gmail.com Learn more about Lia

NOT a feel good podcast about being adopted We’re the not-so-feel-good show about adoption (coming out of the fog) We are 3 people with 3 very different experiences of being adopted. In this podcast we deconstruct the romanticism holding up the adoption industry and expose the lies, abuse, and pain that get silenced. We’re here to unwrap the shiny bow around adoption and speak our truths as adoptees. In doing so, we explain what it means and what it feels like to “come out of the fog”. WARNING: This is NOT a feel good podcast about adoption. A little bit about our adoption backgrounds: Lia: black, same race, domestic adoptee, not adopted at birth, also entered the foster systemDr. Noelle: transracial adoptee (black american adopted by a white family), adoptive parents divorcedTosha: same race, african american, domestic adoptee, the only one of her siblings that got adopted What we discussed (00:00) Not-so-feel-good show about adoption (02:38) Our 3 adoption backgrounds (07:24) Coming out of the fog: what it means for adoptees OR Adoption: expectation vs. reality (10:31) Favoring their biological child (12:57) “They purchased me, I had to be perfect” (15:16) Misconceptions about adoptees OR No, not all adoptees are orphans OR Myths about adoptees OR Capitalism and adoption (19:55) Is it possible to bond with your adoptive parents? OR Adoptive parents: is bonding possible? (25:28) What’s this show about? Who is it for? Links Follow us on social media: Twitter | Instagram | Tiktok Learn more about Lia

No, adoption isn’t magical. No, I’m not grateful for being adopted. Yes, being adopted is painful Yes, adoption is trauma This is the not-so-feel-good podcast where we reflect deeply on our experiences being adoptees and expose the pains inflicted by the adoption industry one episode at a time. Links Follow us on social media: Twitter | Instagram | Tiktok Learn more about Lia