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Murder the Internet

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Ep 025 - Space Jesus

Imagine... a planet where Jesus did not evolve... a Planet of the Jesuses. Jesi. Whatever. Also: how big was Noah's Ark, why space is dumb, capitalism, nanobots, geometry, 9/11, and how elderly people are useless.

Duration: 00:43:23

Ep 024 - The Dumbest Podcast Ever

This is, by far, the dumbest podcast ever. In it we explore such topics of counting calories, being Jonathan Weir, water, Hillary Clinton building a wall of uranium, Niels Bohr, Neil Armstrong, eating couches, corn atoms, underwater Jesus, Session 9 lobotomies, Cheryl Nobel, manatees, why scientists suck, having sex with Gremlins, Metallica, the Marinara Trench, Garfield, virtual reality Jackie Gleason, what the hell are clams and oysters, underwater football, and are generally just an...

Duration: 00:44:22

Ep 023 - ASMR / Too Much For Bagels

What are hens? What are steer? We don't know, but we try to get rich making our own ASMR recording, list every single food ever created, do some hip hopping, and I'm pretty sure at least one of us dies towards the end.

Duration: 00:50:33

Ep 022 - The Witch's Mattress

Prepare yourselves... for the scariest story ever told... the CURSE of the WITCH'S MATTRESS!

Duration: 00:41:58

Ep 021 - The Rick and Morty Deathwish

RICK AND MORTY FANS ARE THE MOST INTELLIGENT FANS IN THE HISTORY OF HISTORY!!! Also autistic doctors, fish doctors, witch doctors, witch witch doctors, Death Wish doctors, and I can't even remember what else, despite the fact I just finished editing it and listened to the entire thing.

Duration: 00:47:19

Ep 020 - Kneeling NFL 2.0 Acrylic Detroit Ghosts

In this amazingly incredible episode, we tackle racism, the issue of kneeling in the NFL, how to make football safer and more exciting, inquire about the status of clothing sales during the afterlife, Detroit (in general, also repeatedly), and so much more that I cannot possibly even begin to remember half of it all. You'd have to be a real grade-A jerk to miss this one!

Duration: 00:46:57

Ep 019 - Suicide

Well, this one was uploaded just a little late. Topics include the impending Florida hurricane, me making fun of Baked Alaska on Twitter (which ultimately resulted in my account being suspended), It, clowns, meat from pickup trucks, suicide, birds, and all sorts of everything else.

Duration: 00:40:04

018 MtI - Mummies On My Mind!

I nearly DIE when my brain breaks down (yes, again) and I begin suffering from the incurable disease: MUMMIES ON MY MIND! Then we move to TV show theme songs and talk about various insane bullcrud neither of us had absolutely ANY intention of originally doing.

Duration: 00:32:40

Ep 017 - The Lifetime Network Disease

The Lifetime Network! Abusing women! Abusing men! Getting sick! Building a Mexican wall from tombstones! So much more!

Duration: 00:44:17

Ep 016 - Gameshows

Supermarket Sweeps, Nickelodeon GUTS, Who Doesn't Want to be a MIllionaire, "Oh God, I Lost: The Game Show," "Who Wants to Marry an Elf King?", how to not tread on snakes, Garden Hoes, T-Mobile sucks, "Daddy's Poopin' Jewels."

Duration: 00:41:35

Ep 015 - Arguing on the Internet

How to win every argument on the internet. Also Go-Bots, Transformers, racism, sexism in video games, Jonathan killing his own children, rebuilding Confederate statues, and WALLY GEORGE! Also sorry about my croaky voice, I was sick as a bucket of hair.

Duration: 00:48:11

Ep 014 - Ass Funnels

Carnies, eating funnel cakes with your ass, aging, Bill Cosby, baseballs made of human faces that can turn invisible or into leaves, having the right ideas.

Duration: 00:53:58

Ep 013 - Mascots

An in-depth, riveting look at all your favorite fast food mascots from the 80s! Mac Tonight! Spuds MacKenzie! The Noid! A Sentient Talking Glove That Knows All Your Secret Fetishes! Cool Spot! Also throwing coathangers at women and removing your teeth on the way to the mall. This episode has it all and then some!

Duration: 00:52:25

Ep 012 - War and Crime

War! Death! Crime! Battles! Um, skirmishes! We cover the history of war, assuming the history of war starts at the Revolutionary War and ends at 9/11, which we CONCLUSIVELY prove was done by Al Roker and Woody Harrelson. Also 700 obligatory references to Hitler, Jesus, and Lincoln, like every one of our podcasts. A+++ must listen!!!

Duration: 00:48:02

Ep 011 - Dr. Who

Everything you EVER wanted to know about Dr. Who! Also Critters, Ghoulies, falling down the stairs, Britishvania, Catholicism, and racists! Also some other stuff but I already forgot it, sorry

Duration: 00:47:19

Ep 010 - Food

In this action-packed, exciting episode, we talk about food, Batman the cannibal, the truth about trees (they do not exist), Texans, socialism, Chinese students worshipping Ghost Dad, and vaginas.

Duration: 01:00:14

Ep 009 - Superheroes

This is either our greatest or worst podcast ever. In it we discuss superheroes, albinos, wiccans, Italians, The Human Apple, Todd Starnes fighting against the War on Christmas, and cat piss.

Duration: 00:55:40

Ep 008 - Doll Sex

A dirty episode about sex. Also Hitler, Einstein, ants, dolls, the Statue of Liberty from Ghostbusters 2, Chucky, evolution, time travel, Teddy Ruxpin, Star Wars.

Duration: 01:02:02

Ep 007 - The 80s

DO YOU REMEMBER THE 80s? THE 1980s? WE DO. And, how surprising, it turns out it was much crummier than we thought! Captain N, Atari 2600, Zima, stupid wood paneling... all that crud.

Duration: 00:53:33

Ep 005 - Weight

The special weight loss extravaganza! Revolutionary diets! Puking up hand soap, eating corpse teeth, sexy collar bones, the WHOLE NINE YARDS! Also how we could've prevented 9/11 by getting somebody really, really fat. It might make sense to somebody.

Duration: 00:47:16

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