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The Jokes for Today

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Late Night-style jokes about the news, and current events. Similar to jokes you would hear on Saturday Night Live's Weekend Update, Jimmy Fallon, Seth Meyers, and other late night comedy shows.

Late Night-style jokes about the news, and current events. Similar to jokes you would hear on Saturday Night Live's Weekend Update, Jimmy Fallon, Seth Meyers, and other late night comedy shows.
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Location:

United States

Description:

Late Night-style jokes about the news, and current events. Similar to jokes you would hear on Saturday Night Live's Weekend Update, Jimmy Fallon, Seth Meyers, and other late night comedy shows.

Twitter:

@JonasPolsky

Language:

English


Episodes

The Jokes for August 22nd

8/23/2017
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Topical jokes about: Confederate statues, Donald Trump ecstasy, and the Secret Service. Enjoy more deadpan comedy by subscribing: iTunes - http://goo.gl/kliwfi Android - http://goo.gl/noN9ZJ Show Transcript: Good morning, good afternoon, and goodnight. These are The Jokes for Today for August 22nd. In Texas, a man was arrested after he was caught trying to blow up a Confederate statue. If convicted, the man will be enslaved. In Germany, police have seized 5,000 orange...

Duration: 00:01:08


The Jokes for August 19th

8/20/2017
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Topical jokes about: Steve Bannon, stolen zoo animals, and white supremacy. Show Transcript: Good morning, good afternoon, and goodnight. These are The Jokes for Today for August 19th. A priest chanting Latin in reverse successfully cast a magic spell to banish evil spirits -- and Steven Bannon has been removed from the White House. Donald Trump reportedly asked for Bannon's resignation. According to Trump, during his meeting with Bannon, people were fired on many sides -- many...

Duration: 00:01:21


The Jokes for August 16th

8/17/2017
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Topical jokes about Neo-Nazis, the KKK, and a woman who found her wedding ring on a carrot. Show Transcript: Good morning, good afternoon, and goodnight. These are The Jokes for Today for August 16th. In Canada, a gardener who lost her wedding ring 14 years ago, found it wrapped around a carrot. According to Canadian law, that carrot can now sue the woman for alimony. The KKK has been denied a permit to burn a giant cross on top of a mountain. No reason was provided. A...

Duration: 00:00:51


The Jokes for August 3rd

8/4/2017
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After an extremely long hiatus, the Jokes for Today are BACK! Topical jokes about: an island of garbage, the owner of Costco dying, stoners, and OJ Simpson getting out of prison. Enjoy more deadpan comedy by subscribing: iTunes - http://goo.gl/kliwfi Android - http://goo.gl/noN9ZJ Show Transcript: Good morning, good afternoon, and goodnight. These are the jokes for today for August 3rd. In extremely recent news: OJ Simpson convinced a parole board to release him from...

Duration: 00:01:18


The Jokes for July 5th

7/6/2017
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Topical Jokes about: Being struck by lightning, child sex slaves on Mars, Obama Boulevard, and a plane crash on the 405 freeway. Enjoy more deadpan comedy by subscribing: iTunes - http://goo.gl/kliwfi Android - http://goo.gl/noN9ZJ Good morning, good afternoon, and goodnight. These are the jokes for today for July 5th. In Florida, a pregnant woman gave birth after being struck by lightning. The good news is that now her iPhone is fully charged. ...the child was named...

Duration: 00:01:20


The Jokes for June 27th

6/28/2017
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Topical jokes about: Trumpcare, throwing change into a jet engine, a dog who was elected mayor, and the Queen of England getting a raise. Enjoy more deadpan comedy by subscribing: iTunes - http://goo.gl/kliwfi Android - http://goo.gl/noN9ZJ Show Transcript: Good morning, good afternoon, and goodnight. These are the jokes for today for June 27th. Hillary Clinton said ‘If Republicans pass this healthcare bill, they’ll be the death party’, And if there's anyone who knows...

Duration: 00:01:11


The Jokes for June 18th

6/18/2017
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Topical Jokes about: Marijuana pizza, a bad dog owner, untalented psychics, fox news, and a lawsuit involving a testicle. Enjoy more deadpan comedy by subscribing: iTunes - http://goo.gl/kliwfi Android - http://goo.gl/noN9ZJ Show Transcript: Good morning, good afternoon, and goodnight. These are the jokes for today for June 18th. In Massachusetts, a marijuana dispensary has begun selling marijuana pizza. If your marijuana pizza isn't delivered within 30 minutes, then your...

Duration: 00:01:47


The Jokes for June 7th

6/8/2017
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Subscribe to the Jokes for Today iTunes - http://goo.gl/kliwfi Android - http://goo.gl/noN9ZJ Show Transcript: Good morning, good afternoon, and goodnight. These are the jokes for today for June 7th. Soon, iPhones will prevent users from texting while driving. The way it works is simple, when the driver starts texting, the car's wheels will fly off. Drug overdoses are now the leading cause of death for people under 50. And when you turn 50 there's a new leading cause of...

Duration: 00:00:38


The Jokes for June 4th

6/5/2017
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Topical Jokes about: Bill Maher saying the n-word, homelessness, in LA, trying to join ISIS, and the new Wonder Woman movie. Hope you enjoy extremely deadpan delivery, because that's how I read jokes. Subscribe to the Jokes for Today iTunes - http://goo.gl/kliwfi Android - http://goo.gl/noN9ZJ Good morning, good afternoon, and goodnight. These are the jokes for today for June 4th. The new "Wonder Woman" movie earned 100 million dollars in its opening weekend. "Wonder Woman"...

Duration: 00:01:05


The Jokes for May 30th

5/31/2017
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I'm still recovering from a cold and sore throat, so please excuse my hoarse voice. Extremely deadpan topical jokes about: Kathy Griffin and Donald Trump, the cop who shot Tamir Rice, pedophiles in Australia, hot dogs with metal in them, and a car crash story that's too long to summarize. Subscribe to the Jokes for Today iTunes - http://goo.gl/kliwfi Android - http://goo.gl/noN9ZJ Show transcript: Good morning, good afternoon, and goodnight. These are the jokes for today for May...

Duration: 00:01:48


The Jokes for May 14th

5/15/2017
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Topical Jokes about: setting yourself on fire on Facebook Live, cutting off an employee's hand, snorting cocaine in England, and stealing Girl Scout cookies. Subscribe to the Jokes for Today iTunes - http://goo.gl/kliwfi Android - http://goo.gl/noN9ZJ Show Transcript: Good morning, good afternoon, and goodnight. These are the jokes for today for May 14th. In Kentucky, a woman was arrested after she stole fifteen thousand dollars worth of Girl Scout cookies -- which is about...

Duration: 00:01:07


The Jokes for May 8th

5/9/2017
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Topical jokes about: A Domino's driver winning a shootout, homeless people in San Francisco, skinny French models, and how nobody dies because they don't have health care. Enjoy this deadpan comedy monologue in the style of SNL Weekend Update and Late Night with Seth Meyers. Subscribe to the Jokes for Today iTunes - http://goo.gl/kliwfi Android - http://goo.gl/noN9ZJ Show Transcript: In Idaho, a Republican congressman was booed when he told a town hall that "nobody dies...

Duration: 00:01:17


The Jokes for May 5th

5/6/2017
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Topical Jokes about: Sexually assaulting a chicken, the UK police disabling your phone, a parrot trained to give insults, a sleeping 911 dispatcher, and a priest that embezzled $500k. Subscribe to the Jokes for Today iTunes - http://goo.gl/kliwfi Android - http://goo.gl/noN9ZJ Show Transcript: Good morning, good afternoon, and goodnight. These are the jokes for today for May 5th. In Philadelphia, a priest was caught stealing a half a million dollars from his church....

Duration: 00:01:23


The Jokes for April 16th

4/16/2017
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Topical Jokes about: The Pope starting a laundromat, a politician appearing via hologram, suicide-proofing the Golden Gate bridge, and paying hospital bills in advance. Subscribe to the Jokes for Today iTunes - http://goo.gl/kliwfi Android - http://goo.gl/noN9ZJ Show Transcript: In Rome, The Pope has opened a new laundromat for the poor. It's just like a regular laundromat, except after you wash your clothing, you hang it to dry on a crucifix. Many US hospitals are now...

Duration: 00:01:35


The Jokes for April 9th

4/10/2017
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Topical Jokes about: shooting hibernating bears, high heels in the workplace, KFC using antibiotics, a dead bat in a salad, and shooting your son over walking the dog. Thanks for listening, and please tell a friend or loved one to subscribe. Subscribe to the Jokes for Today iTunes - http://goo.gl/kliwfi Android - http://goo.gl/noN9ZJ

Duration: 00:01:27


The Jokes for March 29th

3/30/2017
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Topical Jokes about: Ivanka Trump working at the White House, a man being eaten by a giant python, and a babysitter that overdosed on heroin. Subscribe to the Jokes for Today iTunes - http://goo.gl/kliwfi Android - http://goo.gl/noN9ZJ

Duration: 00:00:56


The Jokes for March 27th

3/28/2017
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Trending Comedy News Podcast Topical Jokes about smuggling cocaine in bananas, breastfeeding, Joe Biden, and Donald Trump's bill for Angela Merkel. Subscribe to the Jokes for Today iTunes - http://goo.gl/kliwfi Android - http://goo.gl/noN9ZJ

Duration: 00:01:17


The Jokes for March 25th

3/26/2017
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Trending Comedy News Podcast Topical jokes about Donald and Melania Trump, working at McDonald's for 44 years, and decapitated police in the Congo. Subscribe to the Jokes for Today iTunes - http://goo.gl/kliwfi Android - http://goo.gl/noN9ZJ

Duration: 00:01:11


The Jokes for March 22nd

3/23/2017
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Trending Comedy News Podcast Topical jokes about: toilet paper in China, burning down your house to kill ants, owing money when you die, and a Muppet with autism on Sesame Street. iTunes - http://goo.gl/kliwfi Android - http://goo.gl/noN9ZJ

Duration: 00:00:37


The Jokes for March 19th

3/19/2017
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Trending Comedy News Podcast Topical Jokes about a White House bomb threat, dining and ditching, beating a Good Samaritan, and smoking weed. Tell a prison inmate to subscribe; they've got nowhere to be. iTunes - http://goo.gl/kliwfi Android - http://goo.gl/noN9ZJ

Duration: 00:01:16

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