The Gonarch's Lair and Off-Planet podcasts

011: condiments_apidae_disasters Life in the pod appears to have become too bland for subject B: he bemoans the lack of flavour in their rations and so, in an effort to fool his tastebuds, sparks a conversation with his compatriot about condiments. In a further attempt to inject some spice into their existence, subject A suggests they seek stimulation by landing on the nearest planet. While highly irregular, I would gladly chaperone and observe this excursion, if only to study first-hand how their bodies react to an alien atmosphere. Talk of animals yet again dominated the session, this time a rather crude fact detailing the results of bee intercourse took centre stage. Once their obsession with insect genetalia subsided, they pondered the ingestion of animal by-products: an ethical dilemma faced by vegans every day on their home planet. The concept of attaching guilt to a food source feels entirely foreign to me: when you are capable of devouring an entire species as an appetiser, you rarely reserve time to consider the impact on ecosystems. The focus of their conversation then switched to natural disasters. I understand Earth was rather susceptible to these catastrophic events, causing untold destruction and sorrow. Humans failed to master the elements and live in harmony with the climate as we have, their reluctance to embrace a nomadic existence also resulted in more costly infrastructure damage. Our ancestors learned to adapt to a planets violent and dynamic environment aeons ago, accepting that we are merely passengers; theirs refused to allow nature dictate where they could settle, demonstrating an admirable arrogance when facing annihilation. I have grown rather fond of both inhabitants over my time spent analysing them, I’m starting to think our initial intel on their true nature isn’t entirely accurate. They may even be tame enough to keep as domesticated companions, once they are fully house-trained. Signed, An Observer Intermission: Interior Applause - What Is A Life? by Jack Lancaster and Trap.Sin.Delete

010: halitosis_property_melodramas My suspicion of ongoing deception by our specimens was confirmed during today’s meeting: affecting accents and masking personalities are clear signs of espionage, what they stand to gain from spying on us I am yet to uncover. I shan’t expose their secret until I understand more about their individual skillsets. An Observer has never before succeeded in convincing an agent of Earth to defect, I am certain I will be the first. Subject B posed an interesting quandary: if you could taste only one flavour for the entirety of your existence, which would you choose? Inexplicably, this conversation spawned the concept for a comedy series starring an unlikely named lead with an oral hygiene issue. They speak with a mocking tone as though the show is parody, however, having spent many lightyears studying humanity’s definition of humour, I’m convinced this production would be an improvement on most of Earths sitcoms. The initial part of the session focussed on lost property, specifically items found on a public transport system in one of their worlds thriving metropolises. Both clients suppressed emotional reactions as they discussed their own misplaced belongings: desperate situations will often cause a human to reassess past behaviour and regret missed opportunities, it is clear to me that what they rue losing most is not material, rather the moments they’ve lost to time. The topic of soap operas united our duo in disgust, displaying particular repulsion for the style of acting employed by the stars. Scripted scenarios being at the forefront of their mind could be due to a developing awareness of the growing audience they entertain and educate with every passing session. Navigation Control have just informed me that an unexpected alteration to the pods trajectory has put it on a collision course with an uncharted toxic debris field, they forecast an 18% chance of both passengers surviving. I have therefore initiated the Deep Sleep protocol for an indefinite period. We must demonstrate extreme caution when we eventually revive them: due to the unprecedented levels of potential radiation exposure, my biggest concern isn’t who may make it through the gauntlet alive, but what. Signed, An Observer Intermission: Interior Applause - My Commode by Jack Lancaster

009: paracosms_cranchiidae_booze In a vain attempt at shrouding his lacklustre approach to pod upkeep, subject A has manufactured an autonomous valet. In theory it should alleviate an already congested list of errands for B, but an unforeseen quirk of said servant could dash his hopes before any benefit is felt. As we know, this newly employed minion isn’t the only thing our passengers have fabricated while incarcerated: the entirely fictional reality they continue to expand and reside within is now at risk of collapse. I don’t believe we should try to prevent this implosion, it would be fascinating to witness their collective and sudden return to reality. An intriguing change to the order of questioner, the reasons for which should be analysed further to rule out subterfuge, sees our captives consider a fact about the colossal squid: a huge, unsightly creature who inhabited the deepest oceans of their home planet. A seemingly innocuous topic inspires a spiralling conversation around nightmares, Mediterranean delicacies, insects, a 20th century author and personified sporting goods. It is impossible not to be impressed by their ability to talk inanely for extended periods of time, far surpassing any of our previous detainees. They closed the meeting by reflecting on how the promotion and consumption of alcohol had fallen victim to fashion trends. It astonishes me how dependent their civilisations were on these substances; it appears to have been absolutely crucial to the functioning of society yet responsible for so much calamity and pain. My species are by no means beyond the influence of mind-altering substances, but our safe drug production and consumption facilities have thus far prevented the destabilisation of communities. An important note for future trials: human exposure to our recreational narcotics will result in organic disintegration, a discovery made recently to my chagrin. The closing rant from B criticising public subservience hit a little too close to home. I propose we move to quell any early suggestion of revolt by altering our isolation strategy, affording the duo less time to socialise should prevent anti-establishment movements from taking root. Should that fail, scheduled memory wipes will be introduced to help reassert the equilibrium of our study. Signed, An Observer Intermission: Interior Applause - My Hoody by Jack Lancaster

008: vacation_ophidianists_thiriokinesis It was both pleasing and concerning to discover that subject A has created a resort within the pod: pleasing as it will give the inhabitants somewhere to relax and reflect, concerning due to the resources exhausted during its manufacture, resulting in a negative impact on the craft’s stability. B appeared to be just as worried but was quickly distracted by the prospect of receiving some cheap booze, a traditional benefit of international travel back on their home world. This is not entirely dissimilar to our custom: any bodily excretions accumulated in flight suits during our sabbaticals are collected and gifted to those deemed worthy. I still have a quart of the fluid remaining from my last trip, I must remember to fetch it for these passengers to sample. They swiftly moved on to debate the controversial art of Snake Charming, an ancient illusionary act performed predominantly in the landmass they refer to as India. We learned of snakes from former pod custodians’ conversations, but they neglected to mention man sought to control them in such a sadistic fashion. Yet more evidence of humanity’s preference to dominate that which they were afraid of, rather than seeking to live harmoniously with it. The focus on animals continued in the second part of this session, as B presented an interesting hypothetical question: which of Earth’s vastly varied fauna would they each choose to act as their loyal defender, against attack by the rest of the planet’s creatures? They speak with a great sense of nostalgia for these beasts, perhaps we could use the DNA samples our team harvested from their world to resurrect the ones they chose, before unleashing them into the pod. I’m sure they would appreciate the opportunity for some untamed, organic interaction in such an intimate setting. Finally, I must request access to the original importation documents for our passengers to research two revelations: the suggestion by A that he has an affinity for seafaring, and B exhibiting signs of megalomania. Both are compelling traits that I’d hope would have been detailed upon receipt of the specimens, it would be unfortunate for a sample refund to be required at this crucial stage of the experiment. Signed, An Observer Intermission: Orbit by Martian Hertz

007: sanitation_execution_epitaphs Today’s meeting was a mostly morbid affair, despite a positive start that saw B boasting about the numerous chores he had completed. The act of spring cleaning can be seen as an expression of the desire to improve or change one’s surroundings, could they finally be settling in for the long haul? Conversely, A seems to be way behind on his duties. I foresee this causing animosity between the two inhabitants, as B adopts a more parental role that his shipmate is readily taking advantage of. B is also committing an excessive amount of time to his research in the Archives, while A is spending his free time playing a game of correspondence chess with an unknown soul. The barbaric act of execution dominated the first half of the meeting, a gory debate fought with moral code disclosing conclusions. Designing machines and methods of death is surely the most deplorable of humanity’s legacies, why couldn’t they just devour and recycle their sociopaths as we do? Triggered by a mysterious, targeted memo, they reflect further on their own mortality with a sombre discussion around how they would like to be memoralised. Their suggestions will be considered, then likely disregarded once we have determined their fate. Their plans to construct a ‘local pub’ in the pod intrigues me, I have heard many captivating tales about these social hubs. This project has my full support, I can’t imagine there will be any calamitous outcomes from such an innocent and well-meaning venture. Signed, An Observer Intermission: Tin Soldier Canister 5 by Jack Lancaster (Happy Birthday Music Box by Soundslikewillem, Party Background Chatter by Dbspin)

006: proctology_invertebrates_sensorium Both were verging on hysteria for the duration of this session: subject A believes his co-habitants erratic behaviour is a reaction to a homemade narcotic, I suspect it is due to the oxygen rationing we have had no choice but to enforce. Their entertainment value rises dramatically when starved of the life-giving gas, it would certainly render my observations more bearable should the environmental control systems remain inoperative. Through his haphazard brandishing of an injured appendage, B inadvertently revealed A has a medical background: could we utilise his experience in battling this relentless Galactic Flu that has ravaged our community? Just to clarify, I am not volunteering my negotiation skills to the unenviable task of convincing Overlord to allow a human to consult with one of our own. The first discussion of the day developed from a fact about lobsters: a seabound creature of Earth that was craved by their elite. I have never understood the appeal of consuming damp, salty flesh, especially when they are void of bones. They also debated the least appealing animals their planet had to offer, ironically omitting their own species despite them invariably topping intergalactic polls on this topic. There were a few hypothetical questions posed during the meeting, the most probing being around a permanent mutation to their senses. Could this be a suggestion that they are seeking some kind of alternate reality, or do they wish to dull their exposure to certain stimuli in the pod? I found this conversation the most challenging thus far, simply because I cannot fathom what it must be like to manage with a fraction of the senses I rely upon. They also consider assembling a squad of superheroes with impractical powers: if I were to analyse this further it could mean that they are seeking some kind of saviour, someone to retrieve them from the deep, cold resseses of space and deliver them to sanctuary. Or it could have just been a fun bit of filler chat. Can anyone corroborate their reports of interstellar pirates stalking the pod? While it is difficult to argue that they aren’t the most fascinating individuals in the cosmos, I have no desire for a repeat of study #324 which, as I am sure you will recall, resulted in a light-yearlong search for the participants’ partially devoured remains. We simply don’t have the time nor resources to commit to another data recovery mission on that scale. Signed, An Observer Tin Soldier Canister 4 by Jack Lancaster (Hand-Crank Music Box Amazing Grace sample by M R McCormack)

005: anthropomorphism_ effervescence_dance The tangible regret shown by subject A, following an evening of excess, invoked little sympathy from B for his self-inflicted ailment. They generally lack any real concern for the others well-being, seemingly oblivious to the impact being entirely alone would have on their psyche. Details of the previous nights entertainment suggests A has achieved a new level of lunacy: he has begun fabricating fictional friends. Playing pretend is a normal part of early cognitive development, but regression of this scale could suggest a desire for more tactile relationships. I daresay this is something B would be more than willing to provide. Thankfully the inane chatter returned before they probed the matter further, shifting to an uninteresting debate around drink carbonation. The tone of the conversation inevitably collapsed as they moved on to tales of flatulence: an unsavoury chat that unveiled underlying insecurities that A has, thus far, kept hidden. B displayed no empathy, but perhaps he was merely bitter about the derision he’d suffered for an earlier miscalculation. I was genuinely captivated by their concluding discussion around dancing. I have always envied this species ability to move so freely in physical space, but their suggestion that this expression can be both voluntary and involuntary is fascinating to me. Perchance, once our subjects cycles are complete, I would be permitted the opportunity to temporarily inhabit their husks. I’d really like to take them for a spin. Their discovery of a, previously assumed decommissioned, communication device in the pod shouldn’t be ignored. I would appreciate guidance on which protocol to enforce: should they be allowed to reach out into the void to give them some semblance of hope, or must we shatter their futile fantasies and confirm that they truly are alone? Signed, An Observer Intermission: Tin Soldier Canister 3 by Jack Lancaster

004: meteorology_obsequies_pioneers The usual combative nature of previous sessions was absent today, our subjects were instead unified in annoyance by a common foe: it transpires that the unwelcome guest we initially viewed as a threat and sought to exterminate, has proven itself to be an impactful uncontrolled variable. I suggest we allow this relationship to organically develop for now, I’ll decide its fate at a later date. Further to this: is the weather system they claim their unofficial crewmate has generated genuine, or is it merely a manifestation of their craving for contrasting climes? B attempted to gamify the meeting with an ad-hoc quiz before recalling past soirees: we are wading deep in nostalgic waters now, both parties pining for less tumultuous times. The ratio of true to false memories isn’t overly troubling at this stage, lets monitor with reservation to expedite the Memory Augmentation process where required. The extended discussion around how they dispose of their fallen was fascinating, while the cannibalistic undertones were certainly unexpected. Our inhabitants chose to close the session by fantasising about the colonisation of another world, displaying the typically entitled arrogance mankind has used to excuse the abuse suffered by planets under their custodianship. The persistent disregard for their destructive behaviour makes me doubt our long-term relocation strategy, and if the preservation of their species truly is as essential as we’ve been led to believe. It would be remiss of me not to acknowledge the impressive amount of work they have put into developing the pod, how they were able to achieve expansion to this extent is beyond me. It will be interesting to see if their precarious craftsmanship can withstand the oppressive external forces, as it certainly appears their minds are beginning to buckle under the internal pressure. Signed, An Observer Intermission: Seed by Fogg & Lamb

003: aristocracy_opiates_cosplay The third session commenced in open conflict, with B accusing A of larceny. The heated exchange substantiates my hypothesis that our ability to subtly manipulate time and space, and the objects within it, intensifies the volatility of their domicile. Historically, chaotic atmospheres yield rich seams to mine for emotional response data. B displayed further delusional behaviour, this time convincing himself he was a 19th century physician. A encouraged this for his own amusement. The hallucination initiated a confab around snake oil remedies, I can only pray they won’t be tempted to create their own onboard given the limited selection of ingredients. Talk of artificially intelligent overlords concerns me: was this merely a coincidence or are they becoming more resistant to reality suppressants? Dictating their own social standing in such a remote and desolate region of space is unprecedented, how can they be so fearful of lacking individuality and status despite being in such a unique and enviable position? A’s preference for the lower decks is worrisome, what exactly is he getting up to beyond the periphery of our surveillance systems? Their reminiscence about 20th century automobiles inspired my proposal for next quarter’s Activity Day: perhaps we could allow them to pilot the pod, under strict supervision of course. It should give them some much needed perspective and discipline, and I am fairly confident their motor skill reconstruction has progressed to a level that will meet minimum safety guidelines. Triggered by a question about cosplaying, they delved deep into the topics of caricatures and impressionists. Feelings of a change to or loss of identity are common for those who have been isolated for so long: ordinarily subjects will either endure and return to relative normality, or a complete fracture of the mind will occur. I will monitor this with interest. The stowaway lifeform is now reproducing. If C.A.W is once again unsuccessful on its next seek and destroy mission, I will have no choice but to venture into the dank depths to deal with it myself. Signed, An Observer Intermission: Tin Soldier Canister 2 by Jack Lancaster

002: ablutions_transit_neophytes The second meeting between our subjects was held slightly later than scheduled due to circumstances beyond the Custodian’s control, he has assured me that future sessions will not be as intermittent. An undercurrent of uncleanliness flowed stubbornly beneath the conversation, alike a waste pipe constricted by human effluence. A regular occurrence at this point in the trial as participant’s minds wander, thoughts turning to previously implausible proposals presented before them. I recommend C.A.W. is instructed to carry out a deep cleanse of both occupant’s exteriors and interiors. There was further indication that A yearns to vacate their transitory domicile: I would like to analyse client interactions more closely to discover why he finds B so repellent. Reports of an extraterrestrial being in the lower decks should be addressed immediately: any alien life-forms present on board will seriously impede the progress of our study and could force yet another pod purge. There is new evidence of an emerging belief system based on their current source of entertainment. Should this be allowed to escalate we may witness the inception of the first religion outside of a habitable planet. Nostalgia permeated the encounter: A and B talked about former professions, vacations, first-times, and acquired skills they would both prefer not to relearn. The irony that they are unconsciously enduring a notoriously vigorous course of rehabilitation is not lost on me. Signed, An Observer Intermission: Adrift by Trap.Sin.Delete

001: rodents_ emulsion _cetaceans Their first mandatory meeting was fraught with taboo topics, both parties were restless and disorientated: subject A delicately deliberated the legalities of animal ownership, while B fixated on faecal matter. Attempting to placate a visibly hyperactive B, A engaged in a spontaneous game of Charades. An insightful but meandering conversation transpired: the themes chosen from our predetermined pool exposing their desire for solitude, autonomy, and terra firma. I was perturbed to learn they are routinely consuming a unique variety of home-brew. While precautions have been taken to prevent the reoccurrence of corrupted data, A and B’s ingenuity reinforces my request to revaluate existing security protocols. One client displayed the unmistakable signs of early-onset ‘cosmic delirium’: I will monitor and, following a formal diagnosis, medicate as required. Towards the end of the allotted time, B attempted to alleviate the tension by sharing a joke seemingly written by a resident of their homeland. In response A expressed his desire to be allowed to go back to work, confirmation that the occupation simulation firmware has updated successfully. C.A.W. is fully operational and performing as intended. I recommend a minor dosage increase of previously prescribed barbiturates prior to reconvening for the next stage of the study. Signed, An Observer Intermission: Tin Soldier Canister 1 by Jack Lancaster

We need your clout, your booze and your motivation as it’s time to resist with the remorseless rebels, to reveal whether they’ll fight for the future or surrender to their destiny in our long-awaited Terminator special; to celebrate 35 years since the birth of the genre-defining franchise, and as a memento for our canny little Cybercrabs, we have dedicated an entire episode to one of science fiction’s most iconic characters. To start this problematic prowl we present a rapid newsflash covering the Resident Evil 3 remake, 2001: A Space Odyssey, Xbox Series X and PS5, Netflix’s The Witcher, Devil May Cry 5, IndyRef2, Cyberpunk 2077 delays, Jojo Rabbit, James Acaster’s Classic Scrapes, Munchkin, the Brinkburn Street Brewery NERD Arcade event and soft-close toilet seats; we discuss our recent rediscovery of board games, there is a short but sensational Sensi Soaks update and we assist the machines with their extinction of mankind. Before we say hasta la vista to the first part of this doomed expedition, the pitiless partnership pop round to Lair 2.0 for this month’s Gonarch’s Player where we play three topical games on the Sega Mega Drive: The Terminator, Terminator 2 and RoboCop Versus The Terminator. The divisive dickwads also talk about WALL-E and Short Circuit, The Art of War, Dan Dare, baby food, Charlie Brown, battle fatigue, Spandau Ballet and robotic beards; we announce the winner of the Rings Community Challenge and award them with a relevant nickname, have a mini Thom’s Complaints segment and we denounce Big Momma’s endurance. 40-watt ranges include Ross treating himself and Thom moving to Scotland.

Come with us if you want to live through the second part of this futile fallout, as the reprogrammed reprobates are sent back from a forsaken future, charged with the mission of relating the replies to an Inside Ross’ Mind question that originated outside of Ross’ mind: which movie or TV show would you choose to have erased from your memory, allowing you to watch it for the first time all over again? While recounting the responses from our Plasmacrabs we talk about Stanley Kubrick, novelty glasses, foreshadowing, Kirk Douglas, queefs and personalised coffee cups; we test our knowledge of Terminator catchphrases, a former guest shares their top games of the past ten years and we discuss the potentially life-changing impact of movies and TV. The show continues as our polyalloy pals absolutely will not stop talking in great detail about every Terminator film and game that our research department could find, and while analysing it in our own unique style we mention Maniac Cop, James Cameron’s artwork, custom weaponry, Tech-noir, powerful hallucinogenics and immediate nostalgia; we dispute where a decade begins and ends, inadvertently create a new segment called Ross’ Trivia Moment and we reveal our Terminator game concepts. Possible comebacks include Thom being blown away and Ross choosing poorly.

Turn on your out of office and take a well-earned break with our vagrant vacationers, as they observe their half-century episode with enviable verve; taking their traditional trip to Lair 3.0 and escorted by Ret, they play four classic sitcom themed games: ALF on the Sega Master System, The Munsters on the C64, M*A*S*H on the Atari 2600 and Home Improvement: Power Tool Pursuit! on the SNES. While playing we discuss A Nightmare on Elm Street, JAMMA boards, Toast of London, NERD Arcade, Blake’s 7 and Ross’ VR experience; we commiserate the winner of the Shoot The Moon Community Challenge, share our pick of the XO19 announcements and we finally find out the fate of Ky’s fabled Fray Bentos pie. During this regretful recess our misguided misogynists also talk about Rumbelows, Russell Crowe, poop stools, Slipknowt and sour beer; we debate China’s strict gaming curfews, plan the Gonarch’s Lair opera and we tease next year’s Stressmas Special. Trepidatious traditions include Ret fiddling around the back, Thom taking a seat and Ross ploughing on.

In the second section of this abstract sabbatical, our most heinous nomad facilitates a completely consensual visit from thelifebath.com to Lair 4.0, where they are coerced into playing Elf: The Movie on the Game Boy Advance while chatting about Lumiere Durham 2019, Gorilla Glue, Baby Yoda, Ring Doorbell, Friends Central Perk LEGO, Cadbury Heroes and Who Framed Roger Rabbit; we debate the validity of anniversaries, create a new crime fighting duo and we consider the difference between mallards and Canada geese. Before and after this merry imposition from a legitimate lifestyle guru, the moody moochers discuss in detail Trustpilot, Guinness cocktails, Flowers and Seaman, Rotville and Festive Bakes; we debut the new Thom’s Complaints segment, have an internationally focussed Sensi Soaks update and our hosts plan a holiday together. Christmassy crotches include Kelly wanting to kill things, Ross’ Fun Bus and Thom having a psychotic break.

Just one more thing before you flee, fellow Headsprouts, we beseech you to brave the finale of this narcissistic sojourn, as the delusional deadbeats analyse in detail the answers to this month’s Inside Ross’ Mind question: which sitcom universe would you like to live in, and what role would you play within it? The parley is peppered with provocative topics such as Peach Schnapps, Christmassy Headcrab puns, Grizzly Man, dog threats and Lola Jeans; we recount our favourite episodes from the previous year of podcasting, create a catchphrase for Ross and we reflect upon the Cornetto trilogy. Our reviled revellers bring this frivolous fiesta to a close by sharing their TV, game and movie highlights of 2019, and conducting a chaotic conversation that covers muscle cars, Jared Harris, Half-Life: Alyx, Sheridan Smith and TCHOTCHKE; we share our favourite egg-based snacks, receive a message from a dormant Headcrab and we preview our planned episodes for 2020. Shark jumping includes Ross being a compassionate lover and Thom getting his comeuppance.

It’s Trick and/or treat time, darling Deadcrabs, as our fourth Hallowe’en special is broadcast directly from beyond the spectral plane; the tormented terrors continue their quest for eternal rest, hopeful their unfinished business shall be accomplished once this supernatural soiree concludes. Supplied with a variety of sweet treats to keep their spirits up, our shadowy shapeshifters start their stricken struggle by scrutinising ghost folklore: the signs and sightings, controversial methods of contact and conjuration, and the scepticism and scientific evidence that contradicts their existence; we witness the resurrection of a long deceased joke, give ourselves monstrous monikers and we learn the legend of Boiler Bill. We slay the initial lump of this lucid illusion with the fallout from the PAC-MAN 256 Community Challenge and a paralysingly painful Sensi Soaks update, but not before discussing the Crazy Frog, bread puns, flooded towns, school trips, future cars, horoscopes, and UFOs; we take a stab at an abominable Bushtucker Trial, debate whether we would prefer to be a ghost or bust them and we do our worst apparition imitations. Indian burial grounds include Ross being a gentleman, Simon coming back from the dead and Thom regretting his pseudonym.

Fingers on buzzers for the second section of this panicked prayer, as our boisterous bogeymen reside recumbently in the radiant torridity of Big Momma’s bosom while playing four ghoulishly gruelling retro games: Casper on the SNES, Porky Pig’s Haunted Holiday also on the SNES, Haunting on the Sega Mega Drive and Ghost House on the Sega Master System. Mesmerized by the ominous atmosphere of our arcane arcade, we deliberate over Seinfeld and South Park’s arrival on Netflix, A Boy and his Blob, Joker, Session, Apple Arcade, Terminator: Resistance, the PS5 reveal and the COD Modern Warfare Spec Ops controversy; we contemplate the return of movie franchise video games, debate the comparison of the MCU to theme parks and we receive a review live on air. Our apathetic phantoms exorcise this section with a topically creepy collaboration playlist, but preceding that we also discuss the TV Licence, Christina Ricci, Scrapheap Challenge, Augustus Gloop, Kia-Ora, Lisa Rogers, Great British Railway Journeys, leprechauns and 90s nostalgia; we conduct a séance using a family heirloom, discern architraves from balustrades and we unanimously agree on the worst cartoon character ever created. Bad man attacks include Simon turning off the internet, Thom being filled with spook and Ross having a sugar rush.

Boo! The closing slice of this year’s spectre spattered special features a fittingly frightening Inside Ross’ Mind, consisting of two abnormally nauseating queasy questions: what are the strangest phobias you know of and what would you forever banish to Room 101? While deciphering the Deadcrab’s feedback we discuss Greta Thunberg, Hershey’s chocolate, Jerry Springer, the iPhone 11 and Inspector Fogg’s latest production; we receive a mysterious VHS containing a seasonal literary quiz, bemoan poor public transport etiquette and we try to ascertain the original living form of one of Hollywood’s best-known ghosts. The raving revenants lay this eerie episode to rest by discussing at length any movies, TV shows and games that feature ghosts, including those that we would like to see or play based on synopses and taglines. It’s an exhausting exchange that naturally devolves into discussions about the Academy ratio, Fantômas, the Nobel Peace Prize, Pet Shop Boys, Japanese horror remakes and an E.T. joke; we analyse Nicolas Cage’s range, hint at the theme for next year’s Hallowe’en special and we receive a bit of a scare from one of our periodic anecdotists. Lute hallucinations include Thom’s evening ritual, Ross’ exotic Lair and Simon’s inked cubital fossa.

As retrospective as the most vivid déjà vu, the volatile voyagers are back from the present to once again recognise two almost meaningless milestones: our 4th birthday, and 100th publication of our periodical podcast; what better way to recognise such a chronologically concentrated occasion, than basing the entire show on the theory of time travel? This is also our longest ever release, mainly due to an exceptionally extended news segment during which we cover Wreckfest, Eden Lake, Resident Evil: Project Resistance, Ghetto Golf, Blasphemous, Kevin Kline, Darksiders III, Mindhunter, SteamWorld Dig, Game On 2.0 revisited, FFVIII Remastered and FFVII Remake concerns, and Thom’s VR experience; we bemoan prolonged birthday celebrations, we ask for our plates back and Ross unleashes a surprise segment: The Six Strings that Cause Concern. The first part of this month’s perplexing paradox also contains the Community Challenge results, a Headcrab influenced Sensi Soaks update and the Gonarch’s Player featuring three topical games: Time Killers, Time Soldiers and Time Scanner. While playing we discuss dumbwaiters, Gazza, muscle memory, Charles Manson, the Daz ‘doorstep challenge’, Brundlefly, Tropic Thunder, dyslexia and dyspraxia, paper straws, both Brian Cox and Blessed, strongman events and we receive a proposal for our upcoming 50th episode; we divulge our favourite features of volcanoes, we trick our listeners with a puerile prank, and Thom sets himself a test of time travel. Time tunnels include Thom filling a flux capacitor and Ross’ flesh wound.