Bill Watches Movies

In which we bid a fond farewell to the show, by taking a look at my favorite monster movie of all time, “The Creature From The Black Lagoon”, listen to some goodbyes and some final feedback during intermission, and turn off the projector one last time. Bonus points for Hot Number Julie Adams memories, the explanation of the number 346, more information about my childhood than you ever needed to know (including disco) and a heartfelt goodbye to all my Gentle Listeners. I love you all.

In which we scrap Plans 1 through 8, and decide to take over the planet Earth using Plan 9, which involves Sassy UFO Based Drag Queen Overlords, Reanimated Dead People who probably wish they had remained un-animated, Paper Plate Flying Saucers, and a Fabulous Space Station in dire need of a Queer Eye For The Space Guy makeover. Bonus points for Zombie Tor Johnson, On Point Vampira Make-Up, Chiropractic Fake Shemp, and a Blink And You'll Miss It Ed Wood, Jr. cameo.

In which a race of advanced interstellar beings who look suspiciously like gorillas wearing diving helmets with antenna on top, visit Earth and decide that they're going to kill everyone on the planet and then make it a nice vacation getaway for themselves, only to be thwarted by one of their own falling in love with the last remaining woman of legal age on said planet. Bonus points for unrequited gorilla love, unexplained triceratops wrasslin', incorrect genocidal mathematics, heavy petting in the bushes, and unexplained cave entrance bubbles.

In which two acknowledged masters of the horror genre meet again under the Hammer Films banner, but this time, instead of one giving life to the other, one is decidedly trying to end the life of the other, as Sir Peter Cushing as Doctor Van Helsing, and Sir Christopher Lee as Count Dracula, chase each other through hell and half of Klausenberg in this month's film. Bonus points for custom bound journals, bespoke vampire wear for the big and tall, bureaucratic border guard buffoonery, and of course, sheer negligees, bright red Giallo blood and heaving bosoms filled with vampiric Big Daddy desire.

In which a Gentle Canadian Hobo with the aid of a Beautiful Woman On The Run, and a Sage Teacher With A Secret, discovers his true family history, finds love (maybe) and learns how to channel and use his psychic powers, which includes the ability to make people’s heads explode. Bonus points for Self-Trepanning, Angry Patrick McGoohan Overacting, Psychic Group Sex, and Pornstache Les Nessman Cranial Removal.

In which we discover that crime actually does pay, and pay quite well. Starring a Gentleman Thief with Dreamy Grey Eyes, a Buxom Blonde Assistant, and a Disheveled Always One Step Behind Police Inspector, we travel to Italy for a very good Mario Bava Comic Book Movie, in the Diabolik Cinematic Universe. Bonus points for multiple Jaguars (car, not the cat), multiple make-out sessions, and literally rolling around in money while totally, totally doing it.

In which we have a meeting of The Creature From The Black Lagoon Fan Club, and decide whether or not to allow a new member from the coast of California into the organization. They seem to have the right amount of lust, aggression, age and close proximity to water, so we’ll at least give them a chance to plead their case. Bonus points for teenage heavy petting, cranky lighthouse keeping, cigar chewing law enforcement, wanton bloodletting and stentorian sermons from the town doctor.

In which The Greater Tokyo Area is yet again attacked by a giant monster, and the combined military needs their collective fats pulled out of the fire by an astronaut team that makes F Troop look like Mensa members. Bonus points for Bic lighter based jet engines, awkward and unrequited love, girls taking showers together, and the overzealous use of menthol shaving cream in the weirdest way possible.

In which two giants of the horror genre meet for the first time, one playing a prissy fussbudget bent on playing God and creating man in a very, very ugly image, and the other playing said man, bent on teaching the prissy fussbudget a lesson for bringing him back from the dead when he was perfectly happy in the afterlife. Bonus points for Sir Peter Cushing, Sir Christopher Lee and various and sundry Gothic trappings such as castles, maids, hoop skirts and well-lit heaving breasts.

In which we learn that crime does not pay, and that all trespassers will be punished severely via various torture devices, right after the seemingly abandoned castle owner, who thinks that he is the reincarnation of a long dead executioner puts on his little wrestling/torturing outfit. Bonus points for numerous revealing outfit changes by the young nubile actresses, excessive Space Age Bachelor Pad music, and of course, Mickey Hargitay's beautiful body that would drive a preacher's daughter to leave the Lord.

In which we watch the worst version of Mission: Impossible EVER, throw in some martial arts, some religious zealotry, a few hot blondes and then top it off with a drunken politician and a slow motion motorcycle chase. Bonus points for death by bull goring and pizza cutter kung-fu shoes. Visit the "Bill Watches Movies" Website! Bill's Tabletop RPG Site! Bill's Personal Website! Buy Bill a Coffee! Bill's Amazon Wish List!

In which we are again taken into The Starman Cinematic Universe and watch the Best Spandex Clad Butt In Japan fight against lizard people, COVID-19, mask mandates and save the world for democracy, Big Pharma and young Japanese children. Bonus points for Female Lizard Gandalf Wizard Action. And parkour. Visit the "Bill Watches Movies" Website! Bill's Tabletop RPG Site! Bill's Personal Website! Buy Bill a Coffee! Bill's Amazon Wish List!

In which we celebrate our third anniversary, along with Colonel Moses, Foxy Cleopatra, Vampire Jim Jones, and his cult of robed, albino, Luddite followers. Bonus points for a lime green velvet jacket and ruffled shirt combo that would make Mozart squeal and write a symphony about its magnificence. Visit the "Bill Watches Movies" Website! Bill's Tabletop RPG Site! Bill's Personal Website! Buy Bill a Coffee! Bill's Amazon Wish List!

In which we are taken to Ancient Rome, the land of the leather Speedo, and watch tanned and oiled bodybuilder Reg Clark throw Stonehengian boulders around, travel to the Underworld to rescue his main squeeze, and see more chiffon togas than you can shake a stick (or a boulder) at. Bonus points for Sir Christopher Lee doing his best Dracula/Not Dracula impersonation while fighting against a horrific haircut that would make Moe Howard jealous. Visit the "Bill Watches Movies" Website! Bill's Tabletop RPG Site! Bill's Personal Website! Buy Bill a Coffee! Bill's Amazon Wish List!

In which Death Rides A Horse, as opposed to Death Taking An Uber, Death Having Difficulty Hailing A Taxi, or Death Being A Responsible Citizen And Taking Public Transportation. In this Spaghetti Western, we have The Master Ninja himself, Lee Van Cleef, full of porn ‘stache and scowl, taking on bad guys and becoming somewhat of a father figure to a blue eyed baby faced gunslinger looking for revenge. Bonus points for Ennio Morricone music, beautiful Italian scenery and Shirtless Old Man Action. Visit the "Bill Watches Movies" Website! Bill's Tabletop RPG Site! Bill's Personal Website! Buy Bill a Coffee! Bill's Amazon Wish List!

In which we once again take a Spring Break trip down to Horror Mexico, and meet up with Santo - The Saint - The Man in the Silver Mask, as he fights crime in a wax museum, uses state of the art technology, takes a knife to the back and lives, and occasionally wrestles to pay the bills. Bonus points for pointy bras, photographers with agency, Mid-Century Modern homes, and the suavest megalomaniac we've seen since "Frankenstein's Daughter"! Visit the "Bill Watches Movies" Website! Bill's Tabletop RPG Site! Bill's Personal Website! Buy Bill a Coffee! Bill's Amazon Wish List!

In which we decide to call the Red Planet Mars long distance, and, when they answer, we destroy Communism, destroy the world economy and find Jesus in 90 minutes or less. Bonus points for wife with agency who ain’t having her mansplaining husbands nonsense. Visit the "Bill Watches Movies" Website! Bill's Tabletop RPG Site! Bill's Personal Website! Buy Bill a Coffee! Bill's Amazon Wish List!

In which we venture into the Bert I. Gordon Cinematic Universe, complete with a Giant Spider, a small town Sheriff, a mansplaining Science Teacher, teen romance, and of course, a little rock and roll. Bonus points for a daughter with Dead Daddy Issues. Visit the "Bill Watches Movies" Website! Bill's Tabletop RPG Site! Bill's Personal Website! Buy Bill a Coffee! Bill's Amazon Wish List!

In which a pulp era Asian Evil Genius Bent On World Domination® tries to take over the world, or at least kill a great deal of it through the use of botanical essential oils, only to be thwarted by his own greed and a Dollar Store Sherlock Holmes and Watson. Bonus points for Evil Asian Daughter Daddy’s Girl. Visit the "Bill Watches Movies" Website! Bill's Tabletop RPG Site! Bill's Personal Website! Buy Bill a Coffee! Bill's Amazon Wish List!

In which CIA Agent Bob Fleming, last seen in Secret Agent Fireball (Episode 14), returns to smooch, shoot, sarcasm and boring suit his way through another “exciting” adventure, this time in Mission Casablanca, to save the world from evil women with on point cat eye makeup. Bonus points for angry drunken dwarf in a fez. Visit the "Bill Watches Movies" Website! Bill's Tabletop RPG Site! Bill's Personal Website! Buy Bill a Coffee! Bill's Amazon Wish List!