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Chuck and Aardvark V.S. the Galaxy

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Welcome, fearless denizens of the Galaxy! It's Chuck and Aardvark, AKA your experts on literally everything in the known universe! Each week, we investigate the cosmos to devise new, improbable theories—all fully improvised and unplanned. Is Scooby-doo a robot? Do parallel universes exist? Are pigeons plotting against us? Join us as we build our new and improved UNIFIED GALACTIC THEORY OF EVERYTHING.

Welcome, fearless denizens of the Galaxy! It's Chuck and Aardvark, AKA your experts on literally everything in the known universe! Each week, we investigate the cosmos to devise new, improbable theories—all fully improvised and unplanned. Is Scooby-doo a robot? Do parallel universes exist? Are pigeons plotting against us? Join us as we build our new and improved UNIFIED GALACTIC THEORY OF EVERYTHING.
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Welcome, fearless denizens of the Galaxy! It's Chuck and Aardvark, AKA your experts on literally everything in the known universe! Each week, we investigate the cosmos to devise new, improbable theories—all fully improvised and unplanned. Is Scooby-doo a robot? Do parallel universes exist? Are pigeons plotting against us? Join us as we build our new and improved UNIFIED GALACTIC THEORY OF EVERYTHING.




20 | I Believe Him, He's a Man-a-God (Sports Are the Root of Every Great Social Schism)

Hold your breaths: it’s episode twenty (thousand) leagues under the sea! THIS episode finds Charlie learning the art of fencing while Ari confronts his literal identity crisis. In the course of our usual gib-gab, we look back at our evolutionary roots and make a discovery that will shake anthropologists, historians, and college intramural ultimate frisbee players alike! We talk about sports, sexual discrimination, Broadway, and the unlikely root of Ari Aster’s filmography. Dear Theodosius,...


19 | Quoility Cointoint! ("Got Milk?" Is a Military Misinformation Campaign)

Don't it always seem to go? You don't know what you've got 'til it's gone. That's right, denizens, it's our nineteenth ep—the last of our teen years! THIS episode finds us shamelessly slinging our merch by the side of the road as we finally turn our piercing, truth-seeking gazes on that behemoth of American pop culture: milk slogans! In the course of our theorizing, we discuss secret, World War II-era experiments; the merits of dairy alternatives; and just what in the heck the Eagles were on...


18 | Not Flex and Chill (Renaissance Faires Are Overcompensating for Real Life Tragedies)

Well, we can finally buy lottery tickets and join the army, 'cause we're EIGHTEEN, y'all! Eighteen episodes old...imagine! THIS episode finds us hiding out from Ari's angry, hungry cat (whose name we remember the whole time) as we get into the sordid nitty gritty of Charlie's luckless love life. Our foray into the amorous leads us to unpack the mystifying culture around Ren Faires, a theory that ties in Shakespeare, Star Wars, and the gruesome fates of two planetarium curators who got a...


17 | Dafriend (Escape Rooms Are Training Us to Do Battle)

We learned the truth at seventeen...or did we??! You'll have to listen to find out! THIS episode, we find ourselves trapped in the ultimate liminal space—an abandoned Applebees's with a rather...puzzling...layout. As we solve our way through the puzzle box that surrounds us, we unpack the ominous purpose behind some of America's most beloved recent trends—e.g. escape rooms and scooters—and finally give you the takedown of Orson Scott Card you've all been waiting for. It's Tim to grow up! |...


ANNOUNCEMENT: Back in a few weeks!!!!

Hello, fearless denizens of the Galaxy! The deep-voiced samaritan from our last episode returns to use his distinctly NOT-professional-grade equipment to update you on the show. TL;DL WE ARE SORRY for the delay! We have a bunch of episodes recorded, but we need to get on a new schedule so they can be mastered properly. Once we have a backlog of mastered eps, we will return to posting every Tuesday. Thanks for your patience in the meantime! Support the show


16 | The Grapes of Wrath of Khan (Rich People Are Satyrs)

Sixteen Candles: a film that has aged...poorly? A trait which the sixteenth episode of our podcast will NOT be sharing! THIS episode, we return to our roots at the neighborhood lemonade stand, where we bemoan the generational failings of the young, mourn the extinction of the platypus, and construct a startling new theory about the origins and purpose of that great beast of our time: The Internet! This theory draws from Greek mythology, explains gated communities, and finally reveals what...


15 | Occam’s Famous Razor (Almost Every Working Artist Is J.K. Rowling)

Look out, world: episode fifteen’s here to take names! THIS episode finds us positioned in an abandoned laser tag establishment with an extremely puzzling backstory. After Ari takes an earth-shattering phone call, we turn our powers of deduction to one of life’s most pressing current issues: what the heck is going on with J.K. Rowling? In the course of our investigation, we illuminate hard truths about big wizard energy, the heroic revolution of James Cameron, and the great lie of literary...


14 | Life of Cry (The Brothers Grimm Were Assassinated by the Fast Food Industry)

Halleluja! Praise episode fourteen in all its glorious, intricate nonsense! THIS episode, Charlie deals with vicarious grief as we wait in the longest fast food line of all time...little knowing that directly beneath us lies a cave of vast conspiracies, tying in topics ranging from fairy tales to Hollywood, from German dictionaries to Hardee's, all bound together by two hundred years of intrigue, murder, and greed. Can I take your order? | Logo by @NuleTheGoat. Music and audio mixing by...


13 | Fair-In-Heights Nein/Elephant (The Circus Is Fighting an Endless Holy War)

Sure, love is all you need in this dark, cruel world, but why not give episode thirteen a chance to make you happy, too? THIS episode, a casual story told by Charlie during an exclusive premiere of the newest Christopher Nolan feature sends us down a dark and winding path into the greatest Holy War since the fall of Satan! We discuss the nobility of circus performers, the sadism of Hugh Jackman, the maddening irrelevancies of Buzzfeed GIFs, and the legacy of the greatest antiwar protester of...


12 | Marco, Frodo! (Weather Is Malevolent)

CLANG! The clock strikes midnight as we reach our groundbreaking twelfth episode! On THIS episode, we unpack our first-ever meet-up of all the fearless denizens of the Galaxy, which occurred this past weekend at Charlie's food truck built on the rubble of the burned down Target in the middle of a Louisiana swamp. Obviously most of you were there, and we are SO sorry about what happened. Then, we decrypt a mysterious apparition who appeared before us, and in so doing, happen upon a theory...


11 | Hôtel de l'France (Reincarnation Is a Byproduct of a Great Galactic Resource War)

Episode eleven BOO!!!! Did we scare you? THIS episode takes place in the renown Hôtel de l'France just outside the swamplands of Louisiana, where we decide to let our guards down and dive into our earliest childhood memories. The rabbit hole of our collective traumas leads us to places we could never have anticipated, including the seminal invention of a popular game of survival, a baseball player's final stand, and the mysterious cemetery back in the woods where nothing stays buried for...


10 | What Even IS Endgame?! (Ms. Frizzle Is an Incarnation of Loki, the Norse God)

Batten down the hatches, denizens, we've hit our tenth episode! THIS episode finds your humble hosts and galactic interpreters ensconced with a mysterious librarian as we decipher the theologic roots of the Magic School Bus. What we uncover has implications that extend to the Beatles (well, one song in particular), Edward Albee (well, one play in particular), and Norse Mythology (well, one god in particular)...but NOT Marvel. Don't go where I can't follow, Mr. Frodo! | Logo by...


ANNOUNCEMENT: Episode Delay!

The ghost of Vultron the Vulture Man returns to inform the denizens of an unfortunate episode delay this week, due to technical difficulties. Ep 10 is expected to drop this Friday. Thanks for your patience! Ca-caawwwww! Support the show


9 | Hashbag Sean Bean (Animals in Human Skin-suits Have Corporatized America)

Good morning, denizens. We hope you slept well...'cause once you listen to episode nine of this podcast, your slumber will grow fitful, plagued with anxieties! THIS episode, we return to form as Charlie processes the death of his favorite Romeo and Juliet character, before we launch into our big takedown of American capitalism. With tie-ins to George Orwell, Amazon, Old McDonald (EIEIO), and the incredible canon of Sean Bean documentaries, this theory might be more relevant and intricate...


8 | Pushy Riot (This Podcast Has Gone Completely off the Rails!)

In this, our eighth episode, we take a break from our Galactic explorations, instead turning our keen investigative powers inward to answer the crucial question: what the heck is even going on with this podcast? Charlie fights to keep the fun alive in the face of the worst co-host the Galaxy has ever seen. And Ari...well...Ari meets a Vulture Man. | Logo by @NuleTheGoat. Music and audio mixing by @UndreamedPanic. Vultron Theme written by Ari Borhanian. Sound effects taken from...


7 | Colonel Blue (The Galaxy Is Trying to Kill You)

Tremble, denizens, for episode seven is here to consume you all! THIS episode finds Ari and Charlie on the run from a veritable legion of enemies, bent on destroying this podcast and burying the truth for good. Our theory this week involves Murphy's Law—but just who is this "Murphy," and how does this "law" of theirs connect to Medieval legends, overseas factories, the American Dialect Society, or NSFW Reddit threads? Plus, King Arthur is a LITERAL white knight. | Logo by @NuleTheGoat. Music...


BONUS—ORIGINAL PILOT EP: Who Watches "Watchmen"? (All Art Is Propaganda)

Whew! What a crazy couple of weeks, huh? Ari got turned into a robot, incurred the wrath of his father, the Shoe King of the North, and had his whole brain coated in pizza grease. Charlie almost died, went on a multidimensional dry-cleaning venture, and suffered the loss of a second family. Meanwhile, our list of enemies grows longer by the hour. So, we're taking the week off to figure out where to run and who to trust. In the stead of a regular episode, here's the very first episode we...


6 | Men Who Like to Tinker (Car Mechanics Aren't Human)

DISCLAIMER: We try to design every episode to stand, if not entirely on its own, close enough that its comprehensibility isn't contingent on listening to previous episodes; but this, our sixth episode, heavily references what could be loosely characterized as "plot points" from episode five, and may be confusing without the full context. You've been warned! Anyway, THIS episode, Ari tries on a suspiciously good-natured persona as we get to the bottom of the sinister symbiosis between our...


5 | Clearly Cerberus (Waldo of "Where's Waldo?" Is The Grim Reaper)

We've reached episode five...and not a moment too soon! THIS episode, Charlie confronts Ari about his ongoing transformation, before detailing a hair-raising encounter with an oddly familiar face. We discuss the lore behind the classic children's book series "Where's Waldo?"—a lore that abounds with questions of mortality, cryptic symbolism, and references to a holy war of unimaginable scope. Support your local archers! | Logo by @NuleTheGoat. Music and audio mixing by @UndreamedPanic....


4 | We Eat What We Reap (Pigeons Are Systematically Ruining Our Lives)

If three's a crowd, what are we to make of this, our fourth episode? THIS episode, we take a stab at making our podcast more accessible to casual listeners, before launching into our biggest topic yet: the cursed alliance our species has made with the winged devils of our city parks! With connections to social security, the defense department, and Dickin Medal for Animal Gallantry winner G.I. Joe, no theory has ever put the C&AVTG boys at so much personal risk. Long live the Shoeking of the...