Welcome To The Suburbs

What’s your thread count? Do you like it hot or cold when you sleep? Pets on or off the bed? Why do you keep kicking me? What the heck is Egyptian Cotton and why is it prized? Do you fly in your dreams? Do you have a reoccurring dream about insecurities? Do you sleep walk or have restless leg? In episode 35 of Welcome To The Suburbs Andy and Greg laugh about everything that happens between the sheets. www.suburbspodcast.com

An emotional response to crickets in the yard is dramatically different than hearing nothing when you’re on stage to tell jokes or play music. Episode 34 of Welcome to the Suburbs we share stories of hearing the sound of crickets, professionally. Act 1: PolkaBoy developed a no wedding policy because…well let Andy tell you. It’s painfully funny. Act 2: We’re the social Security Administration, we’re buttoned up, we’ve got it all figured out. That’s what they tell you. Executing that mindset, Cue the sound of wind and crickets Act 3: As Greg works to untangle the estates of his recently diseased parents his sister demonstrates how a narcissist is like a vaudeville ventriloquist. www.suburbspodcast.com

We spend our entire lives surrounded by strangers. Most of the time we give them a smile or glance and move on. Greg is extroverted and it’s easy for him to strike up a conversation with anyone. The Uber driver, cashier, or random person on the street. Keely can’t relate at all and prefers to just pass through life without exchanging pleasantries with people she doesn’t know. In episode 33 of Welcome to the Suburbs: Andy plays the antagonist and points out the absurdity of Greg’s quest to interview people inline at the grocery and seemingly everywhere lately. Keely has a different approach. She puts him in timeout. www.suburbspodcast.com

Greg wants to know why guys have to take something that’s supposed to be relaxing, like fishing and turn it into a competition? He’s not talking about fun little wagers, it’s the idea that fishing’s not fun unless you catch more than the other guy every time you go. Andy on the other hand is happy not catching a single fish, if he gets to wear a shirt full of product patches. Shirts covered in patches are badass he says lol. Jennifer’s dream was realized when they went to a restaurant that had Prosecco on tap. Andy’s buzz would come from finding a patch for his shirt that said Prosecco lol. Andy was in the studio recording a death metal band. He struggled to find space to mic the drums because they were covered in skulls. Some people prefer to keep their skeletons in the closet. This guy finds percussive inspiration with his. Introducing Episode 32 of Welcome To The Suburbs: Laughter Supplied, Snacks Not Included www.suburbspodcast.com

What is something you did in 2023 that you never imagined you’d do? That question was posed to her Facebook followers. Greg realized she and her followers wanted cuteness rather than his answer. Find my phone, water proof my watch, remake Snow White as a live action movie. Three action items sometimes easier said than done, unless you’re Peter Dinklage. Using don't as a positive with the following: push back with Andy’s mom, order the blue wine, or play handzies with Dave Dougan’s wife. www.suburbspodcast.com

Gabe the pup takes a trip to Florida with Andy and Jennifer. Without realizing it a webcam is his babysitter. Greg’s sister wanted to use webcams to keep the caregivers hones but didn’t realize you pay for storage enter Girl Math. A way of justifying the spend on anything from Starbucks to Costco sandwiches. Scarface rugs sold in gas station parking lots around Indy. Who buys them and does Al Pacino get a residual check from Scarface Rug guy for the use of his likeness. Both of Greg’s parents die within eleven days of each other. He becomes an event planner and his sister begins using girl math to plan the wake. Different than the day Greg’s stepdad died and the funeral home sent Curly and Moe to take the body. Episode 30 touches on life, Death and Taxes. Please share the laughter with a friend. Sharing helps us grow. Passing laughter is better than sharing the flu. www.suburbspodcast.com

My dad built a home on a scenic wooded lot on a ravine. Then he became obsessed with the oak and hickory nut trees, their leaves and squirrels. Rants by the bushel basket. Andy practiced his FM DJ voice on a seat Nazi at a YES concert who determined he didn’t have the right to sit in the seats he bought. He’s telling me this while enjoying an orange milkshake. They make orange flavored milkshakes? Someone stole my credit card number and went on a tennis shoe shopping spree in Atlanta. Apparently they had big feet, expensive taste and I hope they match the orange jumpsuit they’re wearing while drinking orange milkshakes. Andy and Jennifer unknowingly rented a place in Mexico near the presidential vacation home. You don’t want to block in the Toyota pickup trucks with machine guns mounted on the back. Season 2 Episode 29 of Welcome to The Suburbs is ready for download. Share it with friends. We’re available everywhere you enjoy podcasts. www.suburbspodcast.com

It’s hard to believe we’ve been releasing new episodes of Welcome to the Suburbs Podcast for a year! This is our Valentines Day episode. Nothing says, “I love you,” more that eating homemade brats for dinner, dying parents, or yet another traffic violation. We round out this episode with celebrity love and fun facts about Lindsey Sterling, the dancing violinist. Yep that Lindsey. Andy didn’t send her a Valentine card, but she is on his Christmas card list. Season 2 of Welcome to the Suburbs. Please share a laugh with those you love. A card gets tossed, but laughter spreads endorphins. www.suburbspodcast.com

Jennifer has 2 lbs of hardware that spans her spine from top to bottom. She subtracts 2 lbs at weigh in because it’s not diet related. Andy was preparing for their trip to Rome when he noticed his renewed passport listed him as female. Does he travel to Europe in drag or drive to Chicago last minute to revise his revised passport? Plus other stories of being the dumb American in Rome. 50% of Greg’s time is spent as his mom’s caregiver. She’s reached the point with her dementia that she’s wearing diapers and needs 24/7 care. Dark humor lurks around every corner of his 7-day shifts. In this episode it’s Apple Watch VS reality and creative ways to wear depends. Episode 27 is ready for download. Please help us grow by sharing it with your friends and family. www.suburbspodcast.com

Andy finds himself at the center of an FBI sting operation as the cast a net to capture a guy who is bootlegging Time Life 4 disc sets of music. Andy cooperated and they catch the guy as he picks up the discs then calls from prison to say, you’ve ruined my life. Awkward moments as you discover you’ve been mispronouncing a common word your entire life. For Jennifer it was serrated knife. For Greg, it was spelling the word your “highness”. Andy’s take, that makes you sound stupid. Greg’s response, yes it does. What do you do when your spouse wants to go to a concert of organ music? You befriend the bartender and enjoy wine from the bar with the music in earshot Greg resorts to counseling to overcome the negativity his sister brings to their caregiving partnership for mom. Her nastiness crept into his mind while her works, sleeps and even intimacy. He talks about the disconnect between he and the pharmacy as he tries to pick up a prescription of viagra. www.suburbspodcast.com

‘Twas the night before Christmas and in Andy’s house there is a note to Santa with practical gifts that only a precise child wants, except maybe a protractor unless that was included in the 5 piece desk set or the label maker. Meanwhile, Greg was at his grandmas house for dry Turkey and gravy made from sage, flour, more sage, milk and some extra sage. After 60 years of the sage gravy the family voted for another gravy. His sister stepped up to the plate to make an equally overpowering gravy with thyme. Picking Christmas trees, Christmas guilt and a Christmas badger make appearances in Episode 25 of Welcome to the Suburbs. www.suburbspodcast.com

One of Andy’s first jobs was scaling the steps at Riverfront Stadium schlepping snacks to fans at Reds games. No bat stretchers or diplomas were required but good cardio, calf muscles, and barking were recommended. Greg’s first spring break trip without parents didn’t require cardio, but IndyCar pit crew skills became a necessity. As if multiple tire changes weren’t enough the trip took an ugly turn when he was handcuffed on suspicion of murder while hitchhiking to buy tires. State Fair freak shows are a thing of the past. That’s a shame because Joe and Mary could have a side hustle for sure. Held at gun point while in college Greg talks about negotiating tips he learned on the fly after he was abandoned by his friend. Exciting and humorous stories from college in episode 24 of Welcome To The Suburbs. www.suburbspodcast.com

Andy’s in the recording session takes an ugly turn when he accidentally shatters the neck of his client’s favorite 12 string guitar. Years later it was brought back to life. Life, life! Give my guitar life! No bolt in the neck like Frankenstein. It was a normal holiday weekend of playing with the kids. Keely was at work. They decided to pretend they were skiing on rollerblades. An emergency trip to the dentist ensued and the rest of the story is a family legend. Andy was invited to a Bob & Tom Golf Outing. It was the last time Tom played golf. Why? It had to do with a ball, a pond, and a slice… of comedy. All here and more! It’s Welcome To The Suburbs Podcast at its finest! www.suburbspodcast.com

For the last year as we’ve talked about my sister and I taking care of mom, Andy has asked me about the org chart. I’m baffled by the need for one. I’m also baffled by the need to be in charge when it comes to family responsibilities. How about working as a team to move the ball forward? My sister has to be in charge and when she doesn’t get her way, she says things like she wishes I was dead…because that’s how motivational speakers teach leadership, with threats and name calling. Carly and I went to Farm Aid this year. Katy Perry’s hair color, rock star outfits and terrible dining voices dominated our conversation. Keely teases me about my questions about coordinating outfits. A conversation Neil Young and John Mellencamp have never had about stage clothes. Carly thinks I’m a boomer for caring about their outfits. I don’t care. I appreciate they’ve given me something to mock on our podcast. We’re back to the org chart to finish out the episode and my decision to go to counseling to understand how to manage conversations with people who have borderline personality disorder. Life has sent a slug of those people into my life and they’re descending on me like zombies. I’ll use my FM DJ voice and pepper spray…just not indoors around people. So I have to lure them outside with fresh meat, the spray them…or not. Download episode 22 of Welcome To The Suburbs and laugh along with my solutions. www.suburbspodcast.com

Something was eating my grandma’s tomatoes. Was it an insect or animal? My brother aimed to find out and find out he did when a skunk took exception to being singled out. Years later the phelps women wanted chickens which meant they’d become mine. Day one of tending the chickens for Carly while she was gone. I came upon a murder scene. A hawk came to dine at Carly’s chicken coop. Tears and more tears ensued because suburban chicken farming isn’t about eating the chickens. Andy asked about my dad’s KISS rant and we went totally off the rails. One thing is clear, my dad either doesn’t like KISS or he doesn’t want to be kissed by Gene Simmons. Clear as mud? It’s Episode 21 of Welcome To The Suburbs! Come along for the ride. www.suburbspodcast.com

Andy was working with John Mellencamp during the Crumblin’ Down sessions. He shares a story about John being raised by his grandmother. She was feeling old and told Jesus they were ready to come home. John said, hold on grandma! I’m not ready. I’ve got a lot more livin to do! One morning this summer, as it was getting light, I noticed a pair of women’s legs standing by a tree in my front yard. The rest of her body was obscured by leaves. So, I couldn’t tell who she was. I walked outside to see what was up and she’s mysteriously disappeared. In her place was a Tupperware container of cat food. I looked up to find a cat stuck in the tree. I grabbed the ladder from our garage, rescued the cat without being clawed. The woman came back, still obscured by leaves. I walked around the house to meet her, she’d gone again. No sign of her in any direction. I kept the Tupperware lol. Andy’s mom makes different casseroles with the main ingredients being cream of mushroom soup and rice. When she added shrimp to that mix for dinner, Jennifer couldn’t stomach it. She needed a plan B. Not wanting to hurt his mom’s feelings, Andy climbed out of the bedroom window, like a jail break and went to McDonalds. We had a great time recording episode 20 of Welcome To The Suburbs. Enjoy! www.suburbspodcast.com

Since COVID customer service seems to be optional depending on your negotiating skills. Andy’s tactic includes using the angry customer voice. Greg chooses FM disc jockey voice that somehow morphs into begging. In Episode 14, Greg joked about how he’s a magnet for Conservation Officers and their ticket book. In this episode Andy talks about negotiating his way out of a ticket with ease. Greg has gotten out of tickets, but it always includes faxing, FedExing and other forms of hazing by the DNR. If you can’t laugh about it, you’re taking life too seriously. Grab your favorite beverage and a snack. We hope you enjoy Episode 19 of a Welcome to The Suburbs. www.suburbspodcast.com

Episode 18 of Welcome To The Suburbs is packed with stories of food. Is Chicken Knuckle soup really a thing? Jennifer catches the wrath of a lunch lady when ordering a panini of all things. How we get there and what makes food funny is part of this week’s journey. We also stop for a visit with Greg’s dad. He’s challenged with moving from dial up to DSL even though we are living in the era of fiber optics. Stubborn people and the battles they choose! lol 😊 Enjoy this edition and don’t forget to tell a friend about us. Sharing laughter is a great way to be and it helps us grow the podcast! www.suburbspodcast.com

In episode 17 of Welcome to The Suburbs Greg and Andy laugh about the psychology behind Halloween costumes and amateur fireworks displays. Then there are the awkward recording sessions with clients who have copious amounts of ambition and zero talent. The best, big fish story ever told. In high school Greg and his dad take a trip to Acorn, Kentucky in search of the cabin where he was born. They meet cousins who live in the hollars and have a very different way of living that has to be seen to believe. www.suburbspodcast.com

A famous comedian said, Life is what happens on your way to pick up the dry cleaning. So true. It’s the detour taken by our Uber driver on the way to the airport. The people you encounter on flights. The Airbnb accommodations and chance encounters with animals and people that color each day. Andy and I visit the comedy of travel in this episode of Welcome To The Suburbs www.suburbspodcast.com