Pillow Talks

One of our favorite series is back. You sent us your wildest, messiest, most "wait… am I the problem here?" relationship stories. And we have opinions. We're talking about a wife who's been sharing intimate details about her husband with her entire family for years (but only good things, so it's fine… right?). A partner who was a little too honest about his wife's body (brutal). Neighbors banging on the ceiling mid-sex. And a whole lot more. Some of these had us genuinely torn. Others? Not so much. 💛 In this episode, you'll hear: Is it okay to talk about your sex life with friends and family… even if your partner doesn't know? When "just being honest" about attraction crosses a line The initiation that was so bad it killed the mood instantly What happens when your neighbor tries to police your sex life Our honest takes on every single one (and we don't always agree) Whether you're here to feel validated, get a reality check, or just enjoy some relationship drama that isn't yours… this one's a fun ride. 🔗 Links & Resources Catch up on past AITA episodes: https://vmtherapy.com/episode199 https://vmtherapy.com/episode187 https://vmtherapy.com/episode155 https://vmtherapy.com/episode135 https://vmtherapy.com/episode125 🔥 Want to give your partner the best foreplay they’ve ever had? The Ultimate Foreplay Guides are our step-by-step guides to expertly pleasuring your partner, with detailed techniques, animated GIFs, and audio walkthroughs. • Over 100 unique techniques for fingering, oral, hand jobs, and blow jobs • Beautiful animated illustrations so you know exactly what to do • Written and audio versions of both guides • Inclusive language and visuals, because everyone deserves great pleasure Stop guessing and start giving your partner a “my soul just left my body” experience. 👉🏻 Check out The Ultimate Foreplay Guides here: https://buy.vmtherapy.com/ultimate-foreplay-guides? Stay connected 💛 📸 Follow us on Instagram → https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander 💌 Get our weekly email — real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe 🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts! ========================== THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS ========================== 👏Thanks Cozy Earth. Let this Mother’s Day be a reminder that she deserves care, too — discover how Cozy Earth turns everyday routines into moments of softness and ease. Use code PILLOW to get up to 20% off. If you get a Post-Purchase Survey, be sure to mention you heard about Cozy Earth right here!➡︎https://cozyearth.com 👏Thanks Birch. We want all our listeners to enjoy a deep, restful night's sleep with a new mattress from Birch and get 20% off. ➡︎https://birchliving.com/PILLOWTALKS 👏Thanks Quince. Refresh your wardrobe with Quince. Free Shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada, too. ➡︎https://quince.com/pillow Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Let's talk about doggy style. It's one of the most popular positions out there. It can feel intense, wild, and incredibly hot. But it also comes with a lot of questions. Is it supposed to slip out that much? Why does it feel too deep? What if you queef? What about the… view? Yeah. We're going there. In this episode, we're covering everything you need to know about doggy style. How to get into position, how to move, how to adjust the angle for more pleasure (or less pain), and how to actually feel confident doing it. Plus, we're answering your real questions from Instagram and sharing some of our favorite variations to try. 💛 In this episode, you'll hear: Why doggy is one of the best positions for clitoral stimulation (and how to make the most of it) Simple angle and arm adjustments that completely change how it feels What to do when it feels too deep or uncomfortable How to handle the queefing, the slipping out, and the self-consciousness Why this position is actually great for feeling less shy about touching yourself Variations like standing doggy, lying doggy, and cowboy doggy that keep things fresh Answers to your most-asked (and most awkward) doggy style questions from Instagram Whether doggy is your go-to or you've been avoiding it, this episode will help you feel way more confident the next time you try it. 🔥 Want to explore more positions together? Ultimate Sex Positions is our illustrated guide to 42 sex positions with step-by-step instructions, movement guidance, and variations for real bodies. Discover positions that change the energy of sex, from slow and romantic to intense and wild Get clear instructions on how to get into position and how to actually move Includes adjustments for height differences, curves, bellies, pregnancy, and flexibility No acrobatics required. Just curiosity and a willing partner. Most couples rotate between 2 or 3 positions. This guide helps you break out of that loop and find new favorites. 👉🏻 Check out Ultimate Sex Positions here: http://vmtherapy.com/ultimatesex Stay connected 💛 📸 Follow us on Instagram → https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander 💌 Get our weekly email — real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe 🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Only 36% of our audience says they've tried mutual masturbation. Which means most of you are missing out on one of the most erotic, intimate, and surprisingly easy things you can do with your partner. It sounds intimidating. Maybe even a little awkward. But here's the thing: it doesn't have to be. In this episode, we're breaking down what mutual masturbation actually is, why it's so hot, and exactly how to try it for the first time (even if the idea makes you nervous). 💛 In this episode, you'll hear: Why mutual masturbation is one of the best ways to learn what your partner actually likes How being "on display" for each other can be surprisingly sexy Simple, low-pressure ways to bring it up without making it weird What to do if you feel shy (hint: a single candle goes a long way) Creative ways to level it up once you're comfortable How mutual masturbation can help you overcome shame around self-pleasure Why this can be a game-changer for orgasming with your partner You don't have to be adventurous or fearless to try this. You just have to be a little curious. And this episode will give you everything you need to get started. 🔥 Want to take your foreplay skills to the next level? The Ultimate Foreplay Guides are Vanessa and Xander's step-by-step guides to expertly pleasuring your partner, with detailed techniques, animated GIFs, and audio walkthroughs. Over 100 unique techniques for fingering, oral, hand jobs, and blow jobs Beautiful animated illustrations so you know exactly what to do Written and audio versions of both guides Inclusive language and visuals, because everyone deserves great pleasure Whether you want to build confidence, learn something new, or just blow your partner's mind tonight, this is where to start. 👉🏻 Check out The Ultimate Foreplay Guides here: vmtherapy.com/foreplay 📸 Follow us on Instagram → https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander 💌 Get our weekly email — real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe 🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

We're back with another real-life couples coaching session. Have you ever gotten to a point where sex doesn't just feel uninteresting… it feels like something you actively resent? Where you love your partner but the thought of being touched makes you want to crawl out of your skin? That's what's going on here. And there is so much underneath it. We're talking about what happens when orgasm has always been a struggle, when postpartum and hormones change everything, when porn creates unrealistic expectations, and when "just doing it anyway" starts to backfire. Because this isn't really about libido. It's about feeling heard, feeling safe, and figuring out how to be on the same team again. 💛 In this episode, you'll hear: Why "low libido" isn't the real issue here (even when it looks like it) What happens when sex has never been physically easy or enjoyable for her How postpartum, nursing, and hormones quietly reshape desire The pressure she feels to want sex "like the girls in porn" and how that kills connection Why doing it anyway when you don't want to builds resentment, not closeness What it looks like when both partners feel frustrated and neither feels understood How to start talking about sex without it turning into the same old fight If you've ever felt like you and your partner are speaking completely different languages when it comes to sex… this one's going to feel really familiar. You're not broken. You're not alone. And there is a way through this. 🔥 Ready to feel more confident in your pleasure? Finishing School™ is Vanessa’s step-by-step program for understanding your body — and learning how to experience real, reliable pleasure in a way that actually feels good to you. Follow a clear, proven framework for building arousal and orgasm Learn the most valuable techniques women actually use to get there Stop guessing and start understanding what works for your body Expand your pleasure so sex feels more varied, flexible, and fun This is about making pleasure something you can learn… and actually enjoy. 👉🏻 Check out Finishing School™ here: http://vmtherapy.com/orgasm 🔥 Ready to make this easier (and way more consistent)? If you want an easy way to keep conversations like this happening (without having to “figure out what to say” every time), check out The Spark. Fun, flirty, sex therapist-created relationship ideas you can try together every month. Think: connection boosts, date night inspo, a new sex position, and simple, low-pressure ways to keep intimacy on the radar. You can wait for connection to magically happen… or you can let us deliver it straight to your inbox each month. It could be the best $9 you ever spend. 👉🏻 Check out The Spark here: http://vmtherapy.com/spark Stay connected 📸 Follow us on Instagram → instagram.com/vanessaandxander 💌 Get our weekly email — real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe 🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

We do weekly “ask us anything” boxes over on Instagram… and let’s just say… you all really show up with the questions 😏 Today, we’re bringing your q’s to the podcast and diving into them for real. We’re talking about everything from sex pillows to dry spells, morning sex mismatches, body confidence, toys, and what to do when your partner just isn’t that into the resources you know could be helpful. 💛 In this episode, you’ll hear: The pros and cons of sex pillows (and whether they’re worth trying). How to think about a “dry spell” in a relationship (and what’s actually normal). How to navigate it when one of you loves morning sex… and the other one really doesn’t. Whether you actually need to feel horny to initiate (this one might surprise you). How to suggest podcasts, content, or resources to your partner without it feeling like pressure. What to do when you want to make improvements… but your partner feels content as-is. How to feel more comfortable in lingerie (even if it feels awkward at first). Where to begin with body confidence — especially when it comes to your vulva. What to do when you’re tired from life, parenting, and work… and intimacy isn’t top of mind. If you’ve ever found yourself thinking, “huh… I wonder about that too,” — you’re going to feel very seen in this episode. Because these are the kinds of questions so many people have… they just don’t always say out loud. 🔥 Want sex that makes you go… “wait, why don’t we do this more often?” If you’re down to play, explore, and discover new ways to turn each other on, The Ultimate Foreplay Guides are where things get very fun. Clear, expert-backed step-by-step techniques for how to touch, tease, and build pleasure in ways that feel really, really good. Because it’s not just about “leading up to” something else… this is the good part. 👉🏻 Check out The Ultimate Foreplay Guides here: https://vmtherapy.com/foreplay 👉🏻Get the sex pillow: Head to vmtherapy.com/pillow to get 10% off our favorite sex pillow (code will be applied at checkout) Stay connected: Follow us on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/vanessaandxander Want more tips like this delivered straight to your inbox? Sign up for our weekly emails: https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe Don’t forget to subscribe to Pillow Talks so you never miss an episode! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Most parents dread “the talk.” How much are you supposed to say? When do you start? What if you say the wrong thing? If you’ve ever felt awkward, unprepared, or secretly hoped your kid would just… figure it out somewhere else — you’re not alone. But here’s the truth: talking to your kids about sex doesn’t make them reckless. Research shows it does the opposite. It reduces risky behavior, increases safety, lowers shame, and strengthens your relationship. And it’s never too late to start. In this episode, we break down how to move beyond one big, terrifying “talk” and instead create short, ongoing conversations that actually work. No lectures. No shame. Just practical, real-world guidance from a licensed sex therapist who’s been helping families navigate this for over 20 years. 💛 In this episode, you’ll learn: Why “The Talk” is a myth (and what to do instead). The research-backed benefits of talking to kids about sex. How to get clear on your why before you start. How to define your family’s guiding principles around sex. The 5 core conversations every parent should have (and how they evolve by age). Conversation starters and scripts you can actually use. What to say when your kid asks a question that completely catches you off guard. You don’t have to be perfect. You don’t have to have all the answers. You just have to be willing to start. And that willingness? That’s what makes the difference 🔥 Want Step-By-Step Support? If you’re ready to become the parent your kid can talk to about anything — and you want all the guesswork taken out of it — Beyond The Birds & The Bees: Raising Smart, Safe, Shame-Free Kids gives you scripts, age-by-age guidance, and clear direction on how to raise safe, smart, shame-free kids. It’s not just about having better conversations. It’s about breaking cycles. 👉 Learn more here: vmtherapy.com/kids Stay connected 📸 Follow us on Instagram → instagram.com/vanessaandxander 💌 Get our weekly email — real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe 🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

We’re talking about something that explains so much of the tension couples feel around sex and desire. And no — it’s not about having a “high” or “low” libido. Desire isn’t as simple as being “in the mood” or not. It’s shaped by how desire shows up for you — in your brain or your body — and when you want intimacy — before or after emotional connection. When you combine those two dynamics, you get four distinct Desire Types. This is a framework we created to help couples finally understand why they might feel like they’re not on the same page when it comes to intimacy. Understanding yours (and your partner’s) desire type can completely change the way you approach sex, connection, and feeling wanted — without blame, shame, or pressure. 💛 In this episode, you’ll learn: The difference between spontaneous (brain-first) and responsive (body-first) desire. Why some people want sex to create connection — and others need connection first. The four Desire Types and the strengths and challenges of each. Why your type might shift depending on stress, life stage, or relationship season. How to use this framework to open up better conversations with your partner. We’ll walk you through simple prompts to help you figure out your type, then break down what each combination looks like in real life. No stereotypes. No “one of you is broken” narratives. Just a clear, compassionate way to understand how you want sex — and why your partner might want it differently. If you’ve ever felt mismatched, confused, or frustrated around desire… this episode might be the clarity you’ve been missing. 🔗 Links & Resources 🔥Discover Your Desire Type Here Want to know your type for sure? Learn your Desire Type and get personalized insight into how you experience desire — plus what it means for your relationship. 👉 Take the quiz here: https://free.vmtherapy.com/sex-drive-type ✨ Your relationship called. It wants a little more… fun. The Spark is our monthly cheat code for connection + intimacy. Connection questions, date nights, and a new position to try — delivered fresh every month for just $9! 👉🏻 Get your Spark back here: http://vmtherapy.com/spark 🎧 Stay connected: 📸 Follow us on Instagram ➡️ **https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander** 💌 Get our weekly email — with behind-the-scenes stories, expert tips, and so many sex puns. Sign up here 👉🏻 vmtherapy.com/subscribe 🎧 Never miss an episode! Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you listen to pods!

Ever wish you could get a straight answer about what’s actually going on in his head? 🧠 We’re back with Part 4 of our “What Do Men Really Think About…?” series — and this time we’re diving into everything from Heated Rivalry and seeing gay sex on screen… to mental load, breadwinning, and why it takes them so long to poop. 💛 In this episode, you’ll hear: How men feel about watching gay sex on screen (including the Heated Rivalry phenomenon). Whether they actually believe mental load is real. What they think about baggy sweats and messy hair at home. How they feel when their partner earns more money than they do. The truth about submissiveness — and whether they want women to take more control. If they care about going down on you if you haven’t showered. And what they really notice about areolas. Xander’s not holding back… and some answers may surprise you! 🔗 Links & Resources: 🎧 What Do Men REALLY Think About…? Part 1 ➡️ https://vmtherapy.com/episode56 🎧 What Do Men REALLY Think About…? Part 2 ➡️ https://vmtherapy.com/episode69 🎧 What Do Men REALLY Think About…? Part 3 ➡️https://vmtherapy.com/episode213 🎧 Stay connected 📸 Follow us on Instagram ➡️ **https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander** 💌 Get our weekly email — with behind-the-scenes stories, expert tips, and so many sex puns. Sign up here 👉🏻 vmtherapy.com/subscribe 🎧 Never miss an episode! Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you listen to pods!

Not orgasming with your partner is way more common than most people realize. And for a lot of women, it turns into one of three coping strategies. Faking. Doing nothing. Or convincing yourself it’s “not a big deal.” In today’s episode, we’re talking about why so many women struggle to orgasm in partnered sex — even in loving, committed relationships — and how those patterns quietly shape your confidence, desire, and connection over time. Vanessa shares her own journey with orgasm, including the truth that even as a sex therapist, she didn’t always have this “figured out.” She opens up about faking in past relationships, feeling stuck, and realizing she needed real tools — not just reassurance — to experience pleasure consistently. If you’ve ever wondered: “Is this just how sex is for me?” “Am I asking for too much?” “Why does this feel so complicated?” This episode is for you. 💛 In this episode, you’ll hear: The three most common ways women cope with not orgasming. Why faking feels easier at first — and harder over time. The real data behind the orgasm gap. What thousands of women said is holding them back from pleasure. How pressure, performance, and people-pleasing kill desire. Why “it’s fine” often leads to resentment. What to say if you’ve been faking and want a reset. How to start advocating for your pleasure without blowing things up. Why you deserve the same experience your partner is having. If you’ve ever felt confused, discouraged, or quietly frustrated about orgasm, please know this: you’re not broken, you’re not behind, and you’re not alone. This is something you can learn. And you deserve support while you do. 💗 Featured Resource: Finishing School Finishing School is Vanessa’s most technique-focused program, designed to teach you step-by-step how to have an orgasm alone and with a partner. Inside, you’ll learn: How your body actually works. What techniques create reliable pleasure. How to communicate what you need. How to stop guessing and start feeling confident. How to experience orgasms without pressure or performance. This is everything Vanessa wishes she’d had when she was struggling. 👉 Start here: vmtherapy.com/orgasm Stay connected 📸 Follow us on Instagram → instagram.com/vanessaandxander 💌 Get our weekly email — real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe 🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts!

Life has been a lot lately. So today, we’re digging into the archives and bringing back one of the most important episodes we’ve ever recorded: how to talk about sex. Because communication is the thing that keeps connection alive. And these conversations don’t have to feel awkward, heavy, or like you’re about to start a fight. When you know how to do it right, talking about sex can actually be fun, flirty, and bonding. In this episode, we’re breaking down the #1 mistake couples make when they finally try to talk about sex (hint: they wait until something feels bad), and we’ll give you our favorite low-pressure ways to start opening up… even if your partner is resistant, nervous, or shuts down the second you bring it up. 💛 In this episode, you’ll hear: Why most couples wait too long to talk about sex (and how that backfires fast). The “secret sauce” to making sexual communication feel safer and easier. How to stop turning sex talks into high-stakes problem-solving sessions. The sneaky, low-pressure ways to start the conversation (even if your partner’s resistant). Simple scripts to compliment, reminisce, and flirt your way into better connection. The post-game recap (and why it works best when you keep it light). Why talking about sex helps reduce shame, anxiety, and performance pressure. If talking about sex feels intimidating in your relationship, this episode is for you. Sometimes all it takes is one small, low-pressure conversation to start changing the whole vibe between you two. 🔗 Links & Resources 🔥 Ready to make this easier (and way more consistent)? If you want an easy way to keep conversations like this happening (without having to “figure out what to say” every time), check out The Spark. Fun, flirty, sex therapist-created relationship ideas you can try together every month. Think: connection boosts, date night inspo, a new sex position, and simple, low-pressure ways to keep intimacy on the radar. You can wait for connection to magically happen… or you can let us deliver it straight to your inbox each month. It could be the best $9 you ever spend. 👉🏻 Check out The Spark here: http://vmtherapy.com/spark 📘 Mentioned in this episode: Sex Talks: The Five Conversations That Will Transform Your Love Life Our New York Times bestselling book breaks down the five conversations that make talking about sex feel easier, more connecting, and way less intimidating. It’s grounded in real-life stories from their own relationship and gives couples a clear path to communicating about sex without pressure or panic. https://sextalksbook.com/ Stay connected 📸 Follow us on Instagram → instagram.com/vanessaandxander 💌 Get our weekly email — real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe 🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts! ========================== THANKS TO OUR SPONSOR ========================== 👏Thanks Cure. Staying hydrated isn't just about water - you also need electrolytes. That's why we love Cure. It's clean and tastes great! Real ingredients. Real hydration. You can grab Cure on Amazon or find a store near you. ➡︎https:www.curehydration.com/PILLOW

We’ve been experimenting more in our own bedroom lately, and in today’s episode, we’re pulling back the covers on what we’ve discovered. The things that surprised us. The moments that felt a little vulnerable. And the small shifts that brought a big boost of curiosity and connection. Exploration doesn’t have to mean doing anything extreme or intimidating. If you love the idea of trying something new but feel stuck on how to actually bring this into your real-life sex life, don’t worry. We’re breaking down exactly how to make exploration feel intentional, low-pressure, and actually fun. 💛 In this episode, you’ll hear: What “exploration” really means (and what it doesn’t). Why new doesn’t have to mean wild — it can mean slower, softer, or more intentional. How to talk about trying new things outside the bedroom first. Why removing pressure makes experimentation way more enjoyable. How to create playful structure with curiosity nights and King/Queen roles. How laughing things off builds safety and trust. Why exploration is an ongoing mindset, not a one-time fix. Our recent bedroom discoveries — including pillows, fingers, and subtle shifts in sensation. If you’re in a season where sex feels predictable, disconnected, or a little stale, this episode is a reminder that you don’t need a total overhaul. Sometimes curiosity is enough to open the door again. 🔗 Links & Resources 💖 Valentine’s Day Sale: The Ultimate Foreplay Guides If you want a really good way to bring more exploration, confidence, and fun into your bedroom, this week is the perfect time. Right now, The Ultimate Foreplay Guides — our #1 best seller — are on sale for $40 (normally $69) to celebrate Valentine’s Day and Vanessa’s birthday. 🎉 Inside, you’ll find: Over 100 foreplay techniques you can explore together. Clear, step-by-step instructions (no guessing). Audio versions you can listen to together. Tasteful visuals that make things feel approachable, not awkward. It’s the kind of gift that says, “I want you… and I want us to have more fun together.” 👉 Grab The Ultimate Foreplay Guides here: vmtherapy.com/foreplay (on sale now through Feb 16, 2026) Our Fave Sex Pillow : The Prim @ TabuStay connected Use our code PILLOWTALKS at checkout to get 10% Off 👉🏻 vmtherapy.com/pillow Stay connected 📸 Follow us on Instagram → instagram.com/vanessaandxander 💌 Get our weekly email — real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe 🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts! ========================== THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS ========================== 👏Thanks Quince. Refresh your wardrobe with Quince. Free Shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada, too. ➡︎https://quince.com/PILLOW 👏Thanks Remi. Use code PILLOW at checkout for 50% off your purchase of a new night guard. ➡︎https://shopremi.com/PILLOW

Lately, we’ve been hearing from so many of you in our DMs. People are telling us they feel guilty wanting pleasure. Ashamed for craving closeness. Disconnected from their bodies and their partners because the world feels overwhelming, violent, and unstable. Others have told us they know their relationship matters, but caring about their sex life feels hard when so much is happening globally. Many of you feel less present, less motivated, and more anxious, and it’s showing up directly in your connection. In today’s episode, we’re talking about what to do when the weight of the world makes intimacy feel impossible. This conversation is not about ignoring reality. It’s about learning how to stay grounded, emotionally available, and connected so you can actually show up for your life, your values, and your relationship. 💛 In this episode, you’ll hear: How constant exposure to distressing news and social media keeps your nervous system stuck in survival mode. Why stress and anxiety don’t just affect your mood, but directly impact desire, arousal, and presence. The moral pressure many people feel to put their relationship on pause during hard times. Holding awareness of the world while still caring for your relationship. How physical connection helps regulate your nervous system and bring you back into your body. Simple ways to shift from overwhelm to meaningful, local connection and action. Practical rituals for staying connected when everything feels heavy. Why staying close to your partner can actually make you more effective and resilient. If you’ve been wondering how to care about your relationship when things feel dark or hopeless, this episode is for you. 🔗 Links & Resources ✨ Your relationship called. It wants a little more… fun. The Spark is our monthly cheat code for connection + intimacy. Connection questions, date nights, and a new position to try — delivered fresh every month for just $9! 👉🏻 Get your Spark back here: http://vmtherapy.com/spark Stay connected 📸 Follow us on Instagram → instagram.com/vanessaandxander 💌 Get our weekly email — real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe 🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts!

Testosterone is one of those topics that feels loaded. It’s tangled up in masculinity, aging, sex drive, energy, mood… and a whole lot of misinformation. Because of that, many men quietly wonder if something is off — but feel embarrassed, unsure, or afraid to even ask the question. So today, we’re having a very real conversation. In this episode, Xander is sharing his personal testosterone journey — what made him start asking questions, the concerns he had before doing anything, what the actual process looked like, and how it’s impacted everything from his energy and mood to sex and our relationship. 💛 In this episode, you’ll hear: The early symptoms that made Xander realize something wasn’t right. Why sobriety played a surprising role in recognizing his baseline energy. What functional medicine actually is (and how it differs from traditional care). Why many men never get tested for testosterone through primary care. The problem with “normal” testosterone ranges in the U.S. What lifestyle changes he tried first — and why they weren’t enough. The different treatment options (creams, Clomid, injections) and how each felt. What it’s really like to inject testosterone. How his testosterone levels changed over time. What it actually costs — and whether insurance covers it. Honest answers to the most common fears and side effects. We get into the stuff men are usually too embarrassed to ask out loud. This isn’t medical advice. It is one person’s honest experience navigating low testosterone, functional medicine, and treatment options — the good, the uncomfortable, and the unexpected. 🔗 Links & Resources ✨ Your relationship called. It wants a little more… fun. The Spark is our monthly cheat code for connection + intimacy. Connection questions, date nights, and a new position to try — delivered fresh every month for just $9! 👉🏻 Get your Spark back here: http://vmtherapy.com/spark Stay connected 📸 Follow us on Instagram → instagram.com/vanessaandxander 💌 Get our weekly email — real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe 🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts! ========================== THANKS TO OUR SPONSOR ========================== Use code PILLOWTALKS at checkout to get 10% discount of the Tabu Sex Pillow ➡︎https://vmtherapy.com/pillow

If the thought of scheduling sex makes you cringe a little… we get that a lot. You might be thinking.. “Ugh. That’s so unromantic.” or… “NOT hot.” or… “If we have to schedule it, something must be wrong with our relationship.” We’re here to today to give you our hot take on our favorite controversial relationship topic. And yes… we’re going to try to change your mind. In this episode, we’re breaking down the biggest myths about scheduling sex, what scheduled intimacy really means (and doesn’t mean), and the practical ways to make it feel exciting instead of like something else on your to-do list. 💛 In this episode, you’ll hear: Why “spontaneous sex” is one of the biggest myths we buy into. How scheduling sex can actually reduce stress, pressure, and anxiety. What scheduling can do for couples with mismatched desire (especially responsive desire). Why having sex earlier in the evening can completely change your sex life. How to build anticipation without feeling awkward or forced. The “bare minimum” approach that makes sex dates feel doable (even on low-energy days). Why taking turns leading sex dates helps both partners feel cared for. The simple mindset shift that turns scheduling sex into something you look forward to. Spoiler: scheduling sex doesn’t replace spontaneity. For many couples, it actually creates more of it. 🔗 Links & Resources ✨ The Spark… because a little spark goes a long way We just launched a $9/month digital drop for couples who want to stay connected, curious, and very into each other — without overthinking it. Sweet dates. Spicy dates. Conversation starters. One new position each month. It’s kind of a no-brainer. 👉 Check out The Spark right here : vmtherapy.com/spark Stay connected 📸 Follow us on Instagram → instagram.com/vanessaandxander 💌 Get our weekly email — real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe 🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts! ========================== THANKS TO OUR SPONSOR ========================== 👏Thanks Cure. Staying hydrated isn't just about water - you also need electrolytes. That's why we love Cure. It's clean and tastes great! Real ingredients. Real hydration. You can grab Cure on Amazon or find a store near you. ➡︎https://curehydration.com/PILLOW Use code PILLOWTALKS at checkout to get 10% discount. ➡︎https://vmtherapy.com/pillow

Most marriage regrets don’t show up as explosive fights. They show up quietly. Feeling more like roommates than partners. Wondering when sex started feeling complicated… or nonexistent. Noticing resentment creeping in and asking yourself… “Is this just how marriage is supposed to feel?” In today’s episode, we’re getting into the marriage regrets and mistakes people hold close to their chests… but rarely say out loud. We’re sharing real stories pulled from Instagram, Reddit, and our own marriage, along with practical ways to prevent these regrets from becoming permanent patterns. Whether you’re married, partnered, or thinking about your future relationship, this conversation is for you. 💛 In this episode, you’ll hear: Why not setting boundaries with extended family can quietly damage a marriage. How rejection (real or imagined) can shut people down sexually — and what to do instead. What happens when you lose your individual identity inside a relationship. Why work, logistics, and kids so often crowd out connection. How couples get stuck sexually when growth feels threatening instead of exciting. Why ignoring sexual incompatibility doesn’t make it go away. The underrated importance of fun — and what happens when it disappears. Ready For A Relationship Reset? And if this episode hits close to home, you’re not alone. We’ve had moments of doubt in our own relationship — and one of the most helpful things we’ve learned is the power of intentionally hitting refresh together, especially at the start of a new year. It’s not too late to join New Year, New Us: 21-Day Relationship Refresh. You only need 5 minutes a day (with the option to go deeper if you want). Here’s how it works: Each week starts with a short audio lesson to set the theme. You’ll get 21 daily reset questions — one per day — to reflect on individually, then share with your partner. The focus is clarity, connection, and getting out of autopilot. We break it down into 3 weeks, 3 focus areas: Week 1: Reflect on the past year together. Week 2: Connection refresh — design your dream relationship. Week 3: Sex refresh — reignite desire and intimacy. You can move at your own pace — and yes, you can still join. 👉 Sign up now at https://vmtherapy.com/newyear Stay connected 📸 Follow us on Instagram → instagram.com/vanessaandxander 💌 Get our weekly email — real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe 🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts!

Penis performance issues are way more common than most people realize… and way more misunderstood than they need to be. Today’s episode came straight from your questions — from trouble getting or keeping an erection, to finishing too quickly (or not at all), to the stress, shame, and “what does this mean about us?” thoughts that sneak in — we’re breaking it all down. This episode is about understanding what’s happening, supporting your partner with compassion, and learning how to navigate these moments in a way that brings you closer — not further apart. 💛 In this episode, you’ll hear: What commonly causes penis performance issues — and why it’s rarely just one thing. Whether long-term porn use can affect erection quality or performance. If masturbating “too often” can actually create problems. How stress, anxiety, and aging can impact erections (and why it’s not a personal failure). The connection between low testosterone and ED — and how to navigate it when a partner refuses treatment. Whether circumcision has any link to penis performance issues. How to bring up concerns about ED with a partner who doesn’t seem to recognize there’s an issue. What these challenges mean emotionally — and what they don’t say about attraction, masculinity, or your relationship. How to approach the conversation with compassion instead of pressure or panic. 🔗 Links + Resources 🔥 The Ultimate Foreplay GuidesStay connected Taking the pressure off intercourse can help a lot. The Ultimate Foreplay Guides help couples expand what counts as sex, reduce performance anxiety, and build pleasure and connection (without relying on erections to lead the way). It’s our #1 best-selling and best-reviewed guide for a reason. Click right here 👉🏻 https://vmtherapy.com/foreplay ❤️ Ready to reconnect? Take our free Intimacy Quiz to uncover what’s missing (and how to get it back). Discover your intimacy type and get personalized tools to help you communicate better, desire more, and feel closer than ever. 👉 Take the quiz now and unlock your results: https://vmtherapy.com/5keys Stay connected 📸 Follow us on Instagram → https://www.instagram.com/vanessaandxander 💌 Get our weekly email — real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe 🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts! ========================== THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS ========================== 👏Thanks Cure. Staying hydrated isn't just about water - you also need electrolytes. That's why we love Cure. It's clean and tastes great! Real ingredients. Real hydration. You can grab Cure on Amazon or find a store near you. ➡︎https:www.curehydration.com/PILLOW 👏Thanks Blissy. Because you’re a listener, Blissy is offering 60-nights risk-free PLUS use code PILLOWPOD to get an additional 30% off. Your skin and hair will thank you!➡︎https://blissy.com/PILLOWPOD

It’s been a while since we last covered some of your funniest sex fails… and honestly, we forgot just how creative things can get when pants come off. We asked, and you absolutely delivered by sending in your funniest, wildest, and most unfiltered stories. We’re diving straight into the deep end today — from the “I cannot believe this happened” moments to the genuine mishaps — and breaking down some of the most unhinged submissions you’ve ever sent our way. So buckle up. This episode is proof that even the best intentions can take a sharp left turn into absolute chaos… and sometimes those are the moments you end up laughing about for years. 💛 In this episode, you’ll hear: Melted chocolate + chest hair = a cautionary tale Why clap-activated lights are not sexy (and definitely not practical) The BJ that turned into a mouth-numbing emergency The fully naked car hookup… in front of a VERY public bathroom The New Year’s Eve drool + fart combo that took them out Heating lube + a lost tampon = pure, fiery chaos The condom that took a ride home and introduced itself to mom A cowgirl concussion (yes, really) If you’ve ever had a moment during sex that made you think, “Well… that was not the plan,” you’re in good company. These stories are a reminder that sex is messy, funny, human, and a whole lot less “perfect” than anyone admits. Happy New Year! ❤️ Ready to reconnect? Take our free Intimacy Quiz to uncover what’s missing (and how to get it back). Discover your intimacy type and get personalized tools to help you communicate better, desire more, and feel closer than ever. 👉 Take the quiz now and unlock your results: https://vmtherapy.com/5keys Stay connected 📸 Follow us on Instagram → instagram.com/vanessaandxander 💌 Get our weekly email — real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe 🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts!

It’s officially that time of year when the New Year buzz is everywhere. Your feeds are full of fitness goals, habit resets, and “new year, new me” energy. And while there’s nothing wrong with wanting to feel healthier or build new routines, this season also tends to stir up a lot of feelings about our bodies… especially when it comes to intimacy. So today, we’re bringing back one of our most popular episodes ever — a conversation all about feeling confident in your own skin during sex. Whether you’re riding high on fresh-start motivation or feeling a little self-conscious with all the “improvement” talk around you, this one is your reminder that real confidence has nothing to do with the number on a scale or the size of your jeans. In this re-air, we’re breaking down the actual tools and mindset shifts that help you feel present in your body, enjoy intimacy, and connect with your partner from a grounded, self-affirming place. Because you deserve to feel good in the body you have right now. 💛 In this episode, you’ll hear: Why body confidence matters so much during intimacy How cultural conditioning shapes the way we see our bodies in the bedroom The most common body-related worries couples bring into sex Simple mindset reframes that actually help you feel more confident Practical tips for staying present instead of spiraling into self-criticism How to talk to your partner about body insecurity (without killing the mood) If you’re in a season where your relationship with your body feels complicated, you’re not alone. We hope this episode helps you feel a little more at home, a little more grounded, and a little more connected — to yourself and your partner. ❤️ Ready to reconnect? Take our free Intimacy Quiz to uncover what’s missing (and how to get it back). Discover your intimacy type and get personalized tools to help you communicate better, desire more, and feel closer than ever. 👉 Take the quiz now and unlock your results: https://vmtherapy.com/5keys Stay connected 📸 Follow us on Instagram → instagram.com/vanessaandxander 💌 Get our weekly email — real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe 🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Text fights hit different. There’s something about seeing the exact words—line by line, timestamped, impossible to deny—that makes communication breakdowns painfully clear. In today’s episode, we’re breaking down a real text fight sent in by a community member. We walk through what went right, what went wrong, and where things quietly went off the rails long before anyone realized they were “arguing.” This episode is packed with practical communication tips, emotional insight, and a few spicy takes you’ll probably want to steal for your own relationship. Including one we know will ruffle feathers… 💛 In this episode, you’ll hear: Why text fights escalate faster than in-person conversations. What “having the receipts” actually teaches us about communication patterns. How sexual disconnect shows up in everyday arguments (even when sex isn’t mentioned 👀). The hidden expectations partners bring into conflict without realizing it. Why “warming up” emotionally matters more than being technically right. Our hot take on love languages — and how they’ve accidentally made some of us less than loving. We also talk about how couples can reset these patterns without starting from scratch or turning every disagreement into a therapy-level conversation. If you’ve ever reread a text exchange and thought, How did this blow up so fast? — this one’s for you. 🔥 NEW! The New Year, New Us: 21 Day Relationship Refresh January tends to come with a lot of pressure to “fix” yourself. But what if the thing that made everything else feel better… was your relationship? New Year, New Us is a Deeper-member-only 21-day relationship refresh designed to help you reconnect without overthinking it. Three weeks. Five minutes a day. Simple, sexy, and totally doable. This is the gift you give each other when you want more “oh wow… we actually like each other again.” Because when your relationship is better… everything else is too. ❤️ Join the Deeper membership now for $99/quarter (normally $129) or $247/year (normally $299) and unlock the entire New Year, New Us challenge, plus everything else inside Deeper. 👉 Join us at https://vmtherapy.com/newyear 🔗 Links + Resources Take our free Intimacy Quiz to uncover what’s missing (and how to get it back). Discover your intimacy type and get personalized tools to help you communicate better, desire more, and feel closer than ever. 👉 Take the quiz now and unlock your results: https://vmtherapy.com/5keys Stay connected 📸 Follow us on Instagram → instagram.com/vanessaandxander 💌 Get our weekly email — real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe 🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Every week on Instagram we host “Ask Us Anything” question boxes… and every week we’re hit with hundreds of incredible questions we can’t possibly get to in Stories. So today we’re pulling back the curtain and taking some of those unanswered Qs and going deep — giving you the nuance, context, tips, reassurance, and real-talk sex ed you wish you got in health class. This episode is a true mixed bag: libido, orgasm, aging, menstrual phases, mismatched styles, swelling, simultaneous orgasms… the works. If you’ve ever wondered, “Is this normal?” the answer is probably in here. 💛 In this episode, you’ll hear: Why so many women have to learn how to orgasm with a partner — and why it’s not a flaw, it’s physiology How to reframe partnered orgasm so it doesn’t feel like a chore, obligation, or “teaching job” What to do if your sex styles don’t match (vanilla vs. rough, gentle vs. intense) How libido changes throughout your menstrual cycle — and what to expect in each phase Whether swelling of the labia or clitoris after sex is normal Why “finishing at the same time” is so rare — and how to create more synced-up moments Practical ideas for bringing your partner into growth without pressure, shame, or lectures If you’ve ever felt confused, insecure, or alone with your questions, we hope this episode feels like a deep exhale. You deserve answers that make you feel seen, understood, and empowered in your sex life. ❤️ Ready to reconnect? Take our free Intimacy Quiz to uncover what’s missing (and how to get it back). Discover your intimacy type and get personalized tools to help you communicate better, desire more, and feel closer than ever. 👉 Take the quiz now and unlock your results: https://vmtherapy.com/5keys Stay connected 📸 Follow us on Instagram → instagram.com/vanessaandxander 💌 Get our weekly email — real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe 🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts! ⏱️ TIMESTAMPS 00:00 — Intro 02:15 — Why do women often have to learn how to 0 with a partner? 20:03 — “My husband stopped initiating… how do we repair that?” 28:03 — Resentment in relationships (and what to do about it) 29:38 — Different secs styles: vanilla vs. rough — how to navigate the mismatch 42:05 — Desire + your menstrual phase (what’s actually normal) 46:42 — Is it normal to get swollen “down there”? 48:19 — How to finish at the same time 53:43 — Is it normal to feel uninterested after an 0? 56:15 — Can men feel when women 0 inside them? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices