Your Favorite Band Sucks

Christmas music is literally the worst. If you hate it, you're probably having an awful day right now. Here's a surprise, unannounced episode about how much Christmas music sucks. It's also the longest episode we've ever made. Laugh it off. Yeah, we already made an episode about Christmas music. It was the third one. We remember. But that's how much Christmas music sucks! We can and will go back, time and again, to this endless wellspring of evil! This year, every band covered on the show...

Surprising nobody, Metallica is a band that has done entirely too many bad and stupid things to fit them all in one episode. Need more reasons why Metallica sucks? Here's our Part Two! Last week, Mark and Tyler got into how this Metallica mess was made - not a safe space for Megadeth fans - as well as Lars' war on Napster. This week, it's a deep dive into Post-Haircut Metallica. Or as deep as you can go with these mental giants...

Honestly, we don't even have to pitch this one. Metallica sucks. There's no such thing as a Metallica fan who hasn't felt screwed over and/or disappointed in this band. Hey, remember when Metallica made the Worst Album Ever? Here's the problem: there are at least 3 separate Metallica albums you could assume that last sentence was about. This band is way past its expiration date and never should've been allowed to exist in the first place. Ripping off less successful bands, treating each...

Modest Mouse is the audio equivalent of not having enough blankets in the desert at night while high on ketamine: uncomfortable, unpleasant and very confusing. Good news for people who love bad lyrics and guitars that sound like pinwheels. You just know this dude would start a cult if he ever accidentally figured out how to say something interesting. Modest Mouse is actually a pretty fitting band name. This is about as timid as neurotic gets, right? Or is it as neurotic as timid gets? Holy...

Practically no one would attempt to defend Stone Temple Pilots at their worst ("Sour Girl"). But if you're warming up an argument for Core being a total classic, then you're going to want to pump the brakes and hit play on this episode, immediately. These guitar riffs are your favorite guitar riffs if the only guitar you've ever owned is a Guitar Hero controller. All the lipstick and thrift store cashmere in the world couldn't replace Scott Weiland's lack of anything interesting (or even...

You ever wonder how bad of an idea it would be to start a band after reading exactly one pop psychology book and buying into some new crackpot therapy method? Look no further... Tears for Fears (a.k.a. literal crybabies, Curt Smith and Roland Orzabal) just want to make you shout. No, not like The Isley Brothers. Not like that at all. Basically, these dickweeds were barely in their 20s when they decided they knew how to fix the world (which is, like, we all should cry and scream more?) and...

Rage Against the Machine is an example of why A.I. is going to eliminate the human species as soon as we turn it on because we are clearly too stupid and illogical to be making decisions that impact the universe. Rage Against the Machine can't be real, right? This is like that "Berenstein" Bears thing. A shared cultural hallucination, in which, some-crazy-how, a band who chose this name was able to get away with ANY OF THIS?!?! RIGHT?!??! PLEASE?!??!

Black Sabbath's entire schtick would be ripe for savage mocking on its own, except it probably isn't even their schtick? This is easily the weirdest marketing of a Christian Rock band, ever, by the way. What the hell? These guys need a manager... What if The Flintstones took drugs and started a band? Funny you should ask, there's this band called Black Sabbath. Yeah, they're for sure rolling deep in some caveman DNA and that stuff doesn't mix well with LSD. Just listen to this trash. Black...

If Outkast was just a rap group, we'd probably leave them alone. But, nah. They decided to murder a little piece of everyone by blanketing the inhabited universe with a little ditty called "Hey Ya," for, what was it? Seven years? So we're going in... It's no secret that Big Boi & Andre 3000 seem to have a difficult time reforming as Outkast these days. You ask us? Looks like things were headed for sour all the way back when everybody thought shit was sweet. In fact, you can pretty much...

Parents everywhere lose the “you’re not dropping out” argument to their teenagers on a regular basis because Elvis Costello inexplicably had a career in music. How do you talk someone out of chasing their dreams if this guy can make it? It's madness. Who put Elvis Costello on the sacred cow shelf? Because this dude doesn't even belong in the room. Elvis Costello sucks. Mark and Tyler are entirely at a loss for understanding, here. The only way this makes sense is if there's a conspiracy...

Queen is a fitting name because this band royally sucks. Arena Rock is just another word for pandering on as huge a scale as possible. Write two jock jams and coast on filler. Way to go, guys. Maybe next time you can do one about a cat pissing? Half this band's "biggest fans" know ten of their songs and they only even really like five of those, so what gives? Wait... Is Queen actually music? Or is this something else... Huge crowds of people, stomping their feet and chanting... Something...

Now that everyone's decided the entirety of October is Halloween Month, we're seeing way too many people who find it acceptable to not only walk around wearing Misfits merch but actually listen to their atrocious music. So, surprise, The Misfits suck! And if you are somehow operating under the delusion that The Misfits do NOT suck, your musical standards are not where they need to be. This fails on every level except "I like it because it's terrible and I like terrible things because I'm...

The band that committed every crime in the Rock & Roll Rule Book... If there's been a worse influence on rock vocalists than Robert Plant, please remember that Janis Joplin is too annoying to even think about, let alone bring into this conversation. Someone should really go back and look at how much the transmission rate of STDs in middle schools rose every year that Jimmy Page toured the United States. John Bonham is a legend among people who get excited about things like hitting stuff...

This is the McDonald's of goth culture. Goth Daddy Too Buff (a.k.a. Trent Reznor) has been cashing in on teen angst for thirty freakin' years. Think about that for a second. This is a 50-year-old man who's monetized temper tantrums. Give us a break. Mark likes to refer to Nine Inch Nails as "Ministry Jr." because NIN rips off Ministry so hard that they even went through a phase of being an extremely campy new wave project before getting all dark and dressing like it's Mad Max out here. Oh,...

First of all, this isn't a band. It's Billy Corgan going into a studio and recording 100 guitar tracks per song, then whispering half his vocals before eating a bunch of broken glass and recording the other half. You're not Kevin Shields, man. Chill. Next, this episode contains a shocking revelation about the music of Smashing Pumpkins. It's honestly so important that it could end up in the viral news cycle. But until Buzzfeed rips off our insights, you'll just have to listen to the...

The Doors are the musical equivalent of a 20-year-old who's taken five guitar lessons and one philosophy class. That's gonna seem pretty far ahead of where you are when you're 15. You're not 15. Stop listening to this band. This is also a great example of why automatically respecting your elders is such an inherently stupid concept. How are we supposed to respect the generation that let this band become one of the most overhyped bands to ever exist? The Doors suck.

Everyone likes The Smiths because it's super impressive that Morrissey, clearly a deaf man, can approximate singing, right? Also, guess what, it ain't just Morrissey. This entire band is the worst. Are The Smiths influential? Sure. Are any of the bands they influenced good, like, even a little bit? Absolutely not. Go back in time, make The Smiths not happen and everything that later instantly gets 10% better. Duran Duran were a better band and it's not even close. Get ready to get sad about...

Listen up, Danfans. You've been wrong and you always will be wrong until the moment you admit that liking Steely Dan is the audio equivalent of enjoying the smell of your own farts. Steely Dan sucks. Nothing about this is as interesting as you think it is. You might as well track down the studio musicians who make all the Goldman Sachs elevator muzak and pretend like they're the greatest thing ever because that is literally all this is. By the way, never let yourself be alone in a room with...

The Beastie Boys not only suck but are also perhaps the single most annoying gimmick in music history. It is jaw-dropping that this made-for-frat-boys cultural theft happened and that critics somehow fell in love with it. It's as if three people were sitting around wondering how stupid any single musical act could possibly be and this is what they came up with. If that's what happened, wow, they nailed it. It doesn't get much worse than this. More like The Bullshit Boys.

Fleetwood Mac is a trash fire. Nobody even really likes this crap, they just think they remember liking it. Revisit those "classic" Fleetwood Mac albums for lessons in trash songwriting, hilariously bad singing and probably the worst production ever heard in a #1 album. Is it any wonder a band full of terrible people made terrible music? Lindsey Buckingham apparently never recovered from being named "Lindsey" cuz this beta dude is the definition of fragile masculinity. The perfect creative...