Your Favorite Band Sucks

Queen is a fitting name because this band royally sucks. Arena Rock is just another word for pandering on as huge a scale as possible. Write two jock jams and coast on filler. Way to go, guys. Maybe next time you can do one about a cat pissing? Half this band's "biggest fans" know ten of their songs and they only even really like five of those, so what gives? Wait... Is Queen actually music? Or is this something else... Huge crowds of people, stomping their feet and chanting... Something...

Now that everyone's decided the entirety of October is Halloween Month, we're seeing way too many people who find it acceptable to not only walk around wearing Misfits merch but actually listen to their atrocious music. So, surprise, The Misfits suck! And if you are somehow operating under the delusion that The Misfits do NOT suck, your musical standards are not where they need to be. This fails on every level except "I like it because it's terrible and I like terrible things because I'm...

The band that committed every crime in the Rock & Roll Rule Book... If there's been a worse influence on rock vocalists than Robert Plant, please remember that Janis Joplin is too annoying to even think about, let alone bring into this conversation. Someone should really go back and look at how much the transmission rate of STDs in middle schools rose every year that Jimmy Page toured the United States. John Bonham is a legend among people who get excited about things like hitting stuff real...

This is the McDonald's of goth culture. Goth Daddy Too Buff (a.k.a. Trent Reznor) has been cashing in on teen angst for thirty freakin' years. Think about that for a second. This is a 50-year-old man who's monetized temper tantrums. Give us a break. Mark likes to refer to Nine Inch Nails as "Ministry Jr." because NIN rips off Ministry so hard that they even went through a phase of being an extremely campy new wave project before getting all dark and dressing like it's Mad Max out here. Oh,...

First of all, this isn't a band. It's Billy Corgan going into a studio and recording 100 guitar tracks per song, then whispering half his vocals before eating a bunch of broken glass and recording the other half. You're not Kevin Shields, man. Chill. Next, this episode contains a shocking revelation about the music of Smashing Pumpkins. It's honestly so important that it could end up in the viral news cycle. But until Buzzfeed rips off our insights, you'll just have to listen to the episode...

The Doors are the musical equivalent of a 20-year-old who's taken five guitar lessons and one philosophy class. That's gonna seem pretty far ahead of where you are when you're 15. You're not 15. Stop listening to this band. This is also a great example of why automatically respecting your elders is such an inherently stupid concept. How are we supposed to respect the generation that let this band become one of the most overhyped bands to ever exist? The Doors suck.

Everyone likes The Smiths because it's super impressive that Morrissey, clearly a deaf man, can approximate singing, right? Also, guess what, it ain't just Morrissey. This entire band is the worst. Are The Smiths influential? Sure. Are any of the bands they influenced good, like, even a little bit? Absolutely not. Go back in time, make The Smiths not happen and everything that later instantly gets 10% better. Duran Duran were a better band and it's not even close. Get ready to get sad about...

Listen up, Danfans. You've been wrong and you always will be wrong until the moment you admit that liking Steely Dan is the audio equivalent of enjoying the smell of your own farts. Steely Dan sucks. Nothing about this is as interesting as you think it is. You might as well track down the studio musicians who make all the Goldman Sachs elevator muzak and pretend like they're the greatest thing ever because that is literally all this is. By the way, never let yourself be alone in a room with...

The Beastie Boys not only suck but are also perhaps the single most annoying gimmick in music history. It is jaw-dropping that this made-for-frat-boys cultural theft happened and that critics somehow fell in love with it. It's as if three people were sitting around wondering how stupid any single musical act could possibly be and this is what they came up with. If that's what happened, wow, they nailed it. It doesn't get much worse than this. More like The Bullshit Boys.

Fleetwood Mac is a trash fire. Nobody even really likes this crap, they just think they remember liking it. Revisit those "classic" Fleetwood Mac albums for lessons in trash songwriting, hilariously bad singing and probably the worst production ever heard in a #1 album. Is it any wonder a band full of terrible people made terrible music? Lindsey Buckingham apparently never recovered from being named "Lindsey" cuz this beta dude is the definition of fragile masculinity. The perfect creative...

What makes a band the heaviest metal band ever? Unless it's ridiculous Satanic imagery, muddy production, subpar musicianship, stupid lyrics and releasing the same album over and over for militant fans... Slayer doesn't have it. Every music writer who ever voted for Reign in Blood to be on a list of the best metal albums ever made should lose their job effective immediately. Honestly, if they had any self respect, they'd resign. That's what Slayer is finally doing after years of raking it in...

Are we sure Mike Ness didn't see Grease in 1978 and decide to start a band? Because, uh, it would make a lot of sense if that was exactly how Social Distortion happened. What doesn't make any sense is why people liked it then, still like it now and, in fact, incorporate this glorified cover band into their entire personality. Take Fonzie, give him an arsenal of entry-level country music covers and a capo, get Bruce Springsteen to make a trip out to California and explain authenticity to Mike...

A lot of people think The Who is a great, legendary band. They point to the virtuoso musicianship, great songwriting, genius concept albums and, of course, that rock opera. This would all be well and good, except for the fact that this band sucks. We've all been lied to about The Who. Nobody here was anywhere near the best there ever was at anything they did. (Nor were they the second or even third best, as is often the follow-up argument.) In this episode, Mark and Tyler turn over every...

Life IS too short so listen to this and learn exactly why you should never waste another second of your existence hearing Sublime. Everyone with a brain in their head already knows that Sublime sucks, right? The answer is yes.Maybe you think you've got a good idea of how much this band sucks. Trust us, it's worse. There is so much awful information waiting for you in this episode. Honestly, this may be a Top Ten Worst Band of All Time, people. And if you don't believe that, hey, press play...

Bon Jovi sucks so much Mark and Tyler can't even get worked up over it. Listen as your favorite podcast hosts casually dismantle this band's career until, eventually, with no worthy adversary to team up against, Mark and Tyler turn on each other... As we've seen before, Bon Jovi isn't even a band. It's John Bongiovi's personal ego trip, kid-tested and mother-approved. Sometimes a pocketful of clichés is all it takes to reach the *cough*laughing-stock*cough* Rock & Roll Hall of Fame, kids!...

Voted one of the Five Worst Bands of the '90s by Rolling Stone readers in 2013, Nirvana made what BBC listeners in 2005 considered to be the most overrated album ever, Nevermind. So, it's not even up to us, the results are in and Nirvana sucks! You know we have problems with Kurt Cobain being one of the most heralded "songwriters" of the slacker generation. (He's not even a songwriter, let alone a good one.) You know we have problems with Nirvana biting their sound from better bands. You...

If Weezer were a newly discovered animal species, the Latin name would be dorkus malorkus. The only guy in the band who matters thinks songwriting can be done with formulas and spreadsheets. What more do you need to know? How about some nerdy sexism? Yeah, yeah. You liked this band when you were a teenager. Question: you ever make any other mistakes when you were a teenager? After listening to the evidence in this episode, you should agree with us that Weezer's existence is nothing more than...

It's possible The Grateful Dead smelled even worse than they sounded, which is really saying something. Even their fans agree, this band sucks. But let's be honest, this episode is just as much about trashing hippies as it is about trashing The Grateful Dead. And one of the worst things about hippies is that they think it's acceptable to listen to The Grateful Dead. It's not. The only way anyone tolerated the sound was by being annihilated on drugs. Well, then there's Ann Coulter...

All these songs sound like a 13 year old boy talking about what he thinks sex would be like and half the merch is marketed at 10 year olds. Who let this happen? Also, is KISS even a band? Because none of them can write, sing or play an instrument. Oh, yeah, we know your parents let you listen to this when you were a kid. But what we're saying is they did maybe-irreparable damage to you in doing so and it's possible that every failed relationship in your life could be this band's fault. Also,...

Calling Interpol a Joy Division ripoff is so much more than they deserve. Rocking gun holsters onstage seems a lot less cool these days, huh? Yeah, so does this entire band because Interpol sucks! Learn how to not get on board the wrong hype train! Find out what "their first album was good but everything after that is bad" really means! Discover several bands you need to be listening to if you ever thought it was acceptable to own an Interpol album! Don't even try to read their lyrics...