The Affair Recovery Room

In this episode, we take a look at the Involved Partner’s responsibility in healing a relationship after their affair. Tim Teder talks with Dr. Deb Miller, a long-time psychologist who has shifted her work away from traditional affair repair and toward something often overlooked: the inner work of the person who broke trust. Deb shares why an apology alone is never enough, and why real healing requires the unfaithful partner to take an honest look at their history, emotional patterns, and blind spots. Many people—especially men—struggle to examine their past or name their emotions, not out of malice, but because they were never taught how. Deb explains how understanding family-of-origin messages, past relationships, and even what felt “good” during the affair can become powerful clues for real change. Together, Tim and Deb explore what meaningful remorse actually looks like, why empathy—not defensiveness—is the bridge back to trust, and why change is not a one-time event but an ongoing practice. They also talk about the balance of individual and couples work, the long shadow an affair can cast, and how couples can grieve the relationship they thought they had while slowly building something new. Deb is the author of More Than Sorry, a guided journal designed to help unfaithful partners move beyond surface apologies toward genuine accountability and transformation. LINKS and EXTRAS Deb Miller’s Website and Book information: DrDebMiller.com Understanding WHY Course with Coaching Sign up for our Weekly Newsletter for encouragement and information about recommendations and new resources for affair healing, relationship growth, and personal change. Need personal help? Schedule a Session with one of our coaches. Want to be a guest on The Affair Recovery Room? Send Tim Tedder a message on PodMatch.

Staying after an affair is only the beginning. Real healing requires clarity, courage, and collaboration from both partners. In this episode, Tim Tedder and Nancy Pickard explore what the Injured Partner needs for genuine healing—truth, boundaries, trauma care, forgiveness, and a meaningful role in building Marriage 2.0. LINKS and EXTRAS Episode Web Page: https://affairhealing.com/podcasts/042 Nancy Pickard’s Resources Truth Talk Courses: Truth Talk—Asking Questions, Truth Talk—Giving Answers Sign up for our Weekly Newsletter for encouragement and information about recommendations and new resources for affair healing, relationship growth, and personal change. Need personal help? Schedule a Session with one of our coaches. Want to be a guest on The Affair Recovery Room? Send Tim Tedder a message on PodMatch.

Discussing the difficult decision to leave a marriage after an affair. In this second episode, counselors Tim Tedder and Sharon Barbour discuss grief, shame, coparenting, starting new relationships, and the religious issues that sometimes surround this choice. LINKS and EXTRAS Sign up for our Weekly Newsletter for encouragement and information about recommendations and new resources for affair healing, relationship growth, and personal change. Article: If Your Marriage Dies, Don’t Pitch Your Tent in the Cemetery Article: How to Talk to Children about Divorce or Separation Coaching Information: Sharon Barbour, Tim Tedder Want to be a guest on The Affair Recovery Room? Send Tim Tedder a message on PodMatch.

Affair recovery counselors Tim Tedder and Sharon Barbour talk honestly about the difficult decision to leave a marriage after an affair. In this first episode of a two-part series, they explore the importance of timing and indicators that leaving may be the healthiest next step. LINKS and EXTRAS Episode Page: https://affairhealing.com/podcasts/040 Sign up for our Weekly Newsletter for encouragement and information about recommendations and new resources for affair healing, relationship growth, and personal change. Coaching Information: Sharon Barbour, Tim Tedder Collaborative Divorce Information Episode Reference: The Ping Pong Effect

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Tim Tedder sits down with psychologist Bruce Chalmer, a longtime couples therapist who helps partners navigate betrayal, conflict, and change. Bruce shares why he sees infidelity not only as a crisis, but as a powerful turning point for learning, meaning, and growth. A central theme of the conversation is Dr. Chalmer’s understanding of faith—not as religious doctrine, but as a mindset that accepts reality as it is and remains open to meaning even in pain. He explains how this orientation helps couples move beyond the desperate wish to “go back to how things were” and instead face the deeper questions betrayal raises. Tim and Bruce explore how rigid beliefs can sometimes block healing, while curiosity and humility open the door to transformation. The conversation also touches on forgiveness, grief, and the tension every relationship faces between stability and intimacy. Bruce outlines his three-step view of forgiveness and clarifies what forgiveness is—and is not. He also introduces ideas from his book The Passion Paradox, which examines how real intimacy requires tolerating uncertainty, especially after betrayal. This episode offers a steady, compassionate framework for anyone trying to make sense of infidelity without rushing toward easy answers. LINKS and EXTRAS Dr. Chalmer’s Website: brucechalmer.com Dr. Chalmer’s Book: The Passion Paradox Sign up for our Weekly Newsletter for encouragement and information about recommendations and new resources for affair healing, relationship growth, and personal change. Need personal help? Schedule a Session with one of our coaches.

As an author and therapist specializing in affair recovery, Linda MacDonald never imagined she would face the very crisis she had spent years helping others survive. But when she discovered her husband’s affair—and then heard him say he wanted a divorce—she found herself living the double trauma of betrayal and abandonment. In her book Redeeming the Post-Affair Divorce, Linda writes candidly about that painful season, the unraveling that followed, and her gradual return to healing and faith. In this podcast episode, Tim Tedder talks with Linda about her journey and what she hopes others might discover for themselves along the way. LINKS and EXTRAS Free Bonus Resources from Linda: lindajmacdonald.com/free Book: Redeeming the Post-Affair Divorce by Linda MacDonald. (See Tim’s review.) Book: How To Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. Sign up for our Weekly Newsletter for encouragement and information about recommendations and new resources for affair healing, relationship growth, and personal change. Need personal help? Schedule a Session with one of our coaches.

Another collection of the best clips from our podcast episodes in 2025, with comments from Tim Tedder. In Part 2, we hear clips from these episodes: Episode 17: ILYBINILWY Episode 6: Gaslighting Episode 14: 6 Affair Motives Episode 9: Lovely Fruit (SongTalk) Episodes 19-20: How to Sleep Again (free resources) Episode 24: Stop Repairing Your Marriage After an Affair Episode 34: Married to a Narcissist (free resources) Episode 35: The Fog and the Light Episode 23: Light of Grace (SongTalk) LINKS and EXTRAS Episode Webpage: https://affairhealing.com/podcasts/037 Sign up for our Weekly Newsletter for encouragement and information about recommendations and new resources for affair healing, relationship growth, and personal change. Need personal help? Schedule a Session with one of our coaches.

A collection of the best clips from our podcast episodes in 2025, with comments from Tim Tedder. In Part 1, we hear clips from these episodes: Episode 8: It Feels Like Love: The Power of Limerence Episode 10: Crossing the Line: Steps Into Infidelity Episodes 2-4: Elisa’s Story Episode 13: Haunting of My Heart Episode 21: The Problem of Forgiveness Episode 22: The Power of Forgiveness Episodes 30-33: Kevin Leaves Episode: 28-29: Bad Advice about Affair Recovery Episode 5: This Healing Place LINKS and EXTRAS Sign up for our Weekly Newsletter for encouragement and information about recommendations and new resources for affair healing, relationship growth, and personal change. Need personal help? Schedule a Session with one of our coaches.

Most affairs don’t begin with a dramatic decision. They begin with something small: a conversation, a shared laugh, a spark of attention that feels harmless. In this episode of The Affair Recovery Room, Tim Tedder explores what happens in those early compromises, when two competing messages show up at the same time. One speaks from the Fog of Self-Justification. The other speaks from the Light of Love’s Promise. Through a cinematic story featuring Mark, his wife Cindy, and a coworker named Emma, you’ll hear how subtle choices can drift toward betrayal. Along the way, Tim breaks down the psychology of self-justification and how our minds protect our self-image by rewriting the stories we tell ourselves. TRIGGER WARNING: This episode includes audio dramatizations that could be activating for betrayed partners who are struggling with affair triggers. Portions of today’s content also appear in my article: Consider Your Compromises. Engage with this material in the way that feels safest for you. Finally, Tim offers four practical steps you can take if you find yourself (or your spouse) wandering into the Fog—starting with revisiting your vows, examining where you’ve honored them or neglected them, and inviting a new kind of conversation in the Light. The episode ends with a steadying question that cuts through rationalization: If a light were shining on this choice, would it look like the love I promised? Would my partner agree? LINKS and EXTRAS Episode Page: https://affairhealing.com/podcasts/035 Free Fog & Light Exercise If you’ve crossed a line in your relationship and don’t fully understand how you got there or how to change things, you don’t have to figure that out alone. Let me help you RENOVATE. Recommended Course: Building Us Sign up for our Weekly Newsletter for encouragement and information about recommendations and new resources for affair healing, relationship growth, and personal change.

In this episode of The Affair Recovery Room, Tim sits down with coach and author Annette Chesney to talk about one of the most confusing and painful dynamics people face in marriage: loving someone who may be on the narcissistic spectrum. Annette walks us through her four-category Narcissistic Relationship Spectrum, a practical way to identify the differences between normal human imperfection, fear-driven reactivity, calculated manipulation, and the dangerous end of narcissistic behavior. She explains why many partners spend years feeling blamed, confused, and spiritually guilted into staying quiet, and how narcissists often exploit grace, forgiveness, and faith-based values to avoid accountability. Together, Tim and Annette explore why narcissists rarely change, how they can fool counselors, how narcissism shows up in infidelity, and why partners often blame themselves long after the relationship has eroded their confidence. Annette also shares pieces of her own story. If you’ve ever wondered, “Is it me?” or felt like you can’t trust your own perceptions, this conversation may be the clarity you’ve been needing. LINKS and EXTRAS Episode Page: https://affairhealing.com/podcasts/034 Free Narcissistic Relationship Spectrum: https://annettechesney.com/spectrum Annette Chesney Website: https://annettechesney.com Do you wonder if narcissism may have contributed to your having an affair? Are you curious about change? The RENOVATE Project may be just for you. Sign up for our Weekly Newsletter for encouragement and information about recommendations and new resources for affair healing, relationship growth, and personal change. Need personal help? Schedule a Session with one of our coaches.

In this final episode of Kevin Leaves, we return to Kevin’s story during the third year after he left his marriage and family. By this time, more than two years have passed since he moved away to build a new life with the woman who had been his affair partner. Kevin reaches out again after more than a year of silence, ready to talk about the choices he’s made and the ways they’ve shaped his life. Then again, three months later, I learn about a significant shift in his story. This episode marks the end of the recorded conversations I had with Kevin. This series is a rare, honest look into the unfolding years after leaving a marriage for a relationship born in secrecy. It is only one story, but there are things we can all learn from it. LINKS and EXTRAS Episode page: https://affairhealing.com/podcasts/033 Help for Unfaithful Partners: AffairHealing.com/RENOVATE Sign up for our Weekly Newsletter for encouragement and information about recommendations and new resources for affair healing, relationship growth, and personal change. Need personal help? Schedule a Session with one of our coaches.

Episode 3 of Kevin Leaves returns to Kevin’s story after a six-month pause in our conversations. By this point, he’s been away from his family for fifteen months, building a life with the woman who had been his affair partner. When Kevin calls me in November, he’s ready to talk about what these months have really felt like—what’s been encouraging, what’s been painful, and where the cracks are beginning to show. Kevin reflects on the summer visit with his children, three weeks he had looked forward to with excitement. He tells me what went well and what surprised him, including the emotional distance that lingered beneath the surface. He also talks openly about the tension with his ex-wife, the strain that shows up around holidays, and the difficulty of staying connected as a long-distance father. The challenges in his new relationship are becoming harder to ignore. Kevin describes a conflict with his partner over the attention he gives his children, and how competing needs and expectations are creating friction that neither anticipated. The emotional weight of his ex-wife beginning a new relationship adds another layer he wasn’t prepared for. Later in the episode, we move forward to a second call in late February. Much has shifted by then—externally and internally. Some of the hopes Kevin carried into this new life now feel less certain. Some of the realities he thought he could avoid have followed him anyway. This episode captures the slow, complicated unraveling that often happens after a major life change. The distance, the longing, the conflict, and the unexpected pain—this is what the second year after leaving really felt like for Kevin. LINKS and EXTRAS Episode Web Page: https://affairhealing.com/podcasts/032 Help for Unfaithful Partners: AffairHealing.com/RENOVATE Sign up for our Weekly Newsletter for encouragement and information about recommendations and new resources for affair healing, relationship growth, and personal change. Need personal help? Schedule a Session with one of our coaches.

In this second episode of Kevin Leaves, Kevin reflects on his first Christmas after leaving his family, a holiday filled with both warmth and grief. He talks about the good moments: time with his children and the pleasure in spending the holidays with his parents. But he also describes the painful parts: the tension with his ex-wife, the awkwardness of returning to a home he no longer lived in, and the sting of hearing his children say home didn’t feel much different since he left. Kevin also opens up about the growing strain in his new relationship. His partner struggled with the attention he gave his children, and conflicts emerged as they navigated the reality of blending these two separate worlds. To make things more complicated, Kevin was processing the news that his wife had begun a relationship of her own—an emotional shift he hadn’t fully prepared for. This episode gives a raw, unedited look at the push and pull of holiday nostalgia, parental longing, relational conflict, and the complex emotions that come with watching someone you once loved move on. It’s a glimpse into what the first year of separation really felt like from the inside. LINKS and EXTRAS Episode web page: https://affairhealing.com/podcasts?031 For unfaithful partners who want to understand their behavior and build a more fulfilling relationship: The RENOVATE Project Sign up for our Weekly Newsletter for encouragement and information about recommendations and new resources for affair healing, relationship growth, and personal change. Need personal help? Schedule a Session with one of our coaches.

Kevin Leaves is a four-part series built from three years of recorded conversations with a man who walked away from his marriage and children to pursue a relationship that began as an affair. In this first episode, The First Few Months, we step into the early aftermath of that decision: the shockwaves, the doubts, and the small daily moments that reveal what leaving actually costs. These early conversations follow Kevin as he moves out of the family home and tries to stay connected to his children while preparing to relocate for a new job and a new life with his affair partner. We hear the tension with his wife, the awkward and painful transitions with his kids, and the unexpected strain that begins surfacing in his new relationship. Kevin talks about longing and hope, but also about shame—the kind that rises quietly after the adrenaline fades. This episode doesn’t excuse or condemn. It simply lets us sit with someone who made a life-altering choice and is now navigating all the complicated emotions that follow. The First Few Months offers an unfiltered look at the early days after leaving: the confusion, the small heartbreaks, the unresolved questions, and the weight of decisions that can’t be undone. LINKS and EXTRAS Episode Webpage: https://affairhealing.com/podcasts/030 For Involved Partners: The RENOVATE Project Sign up for our Weekly Newsletter for encouragement and information about recommendations and new resources for affair healing, relationship growth, and personal change. Need personal help? Schedule a Session with one of our coaches.

In this follow-up to Some Bad Advice About Affair Recovery, Tim tackles five more common myths that often derail genuine healing after infidelity. These are the messages that sound certain: “Once a cheater, always a cheater,” “Just fix your marriage,” or “If you forgive, you should trust again.” But they oversimplify the work of affair recovery. Through real stories, insight, and a few creative audio sketches, Tim explores what these familiar slogans get wrong and what healthier, more hopeful alternatives look like. Listeners will learn why change is possible, why trust can’t be rushed, and why even painful chapters don’t have to define the rest of the story. This episode brings honesty and compassion together to remind us that recovery isn’t about quick fixes or perfection; it’s about truth, growth, and grace for what comes next. LINKS and EXTRAS Episode Page: https://affairhealing.com/podcasts/029 Sign up for our Weekly Newsletter for encouragement and information about recommendations and new resources for affair healing, relationship growth, and personal change. Need personal help? Schedule a Session with one of our coaches.

There’s a lot of advice out there about how to recover from infidelity. Not all of it is good. In this episode (the first of a two-part series), Tim Tedder explores some of the worst pieces of “bad advice” that couples often hear after an affair. From the pressure to instantly leave or immediately forgive, to the temptation to keep secrets or “stay friends” with an affair partner, these myths can quietly sabotage genuine healing. Through insight and storytelling, Tim explains why quick fixes and black-and-white solutions don’t work. Real recovery takes honesty, courage, and self-awareness, not one-size-fits-all answers. Along the way, short audio sketches bring these ideas to life, revealing how common these faulty beliefs really are and how couples can move beyond them toward trust, growth, and connection. LINKS and EXTRAS Episode page: https://affairhealing.com/podcasts/028 Information: The Renovate Project Sign up for our Weekly Newsletter for encouragement and information about recommendations and new resources for affair healing, relationship growth, and personal change. Need personal help? Schedule a Session with one of our coaches.

“How long will this take?” It’s the question every betrayed and unfaithful partner asks after an affair. Some people want to move on as quickly as possible, while others remain frozen in the pain for years. But recovery isn’t measured by months or milestones; it’s measured by movement. In this episode, Tim explores why healing timelines vary so widely and what really determines progress. Through two short audio sketches, he illustrates what happens when recovery moves too fast or lingers too long, when pain turns into pressure or when regret hardens into resentment. Then, he offers a clear picture of what healthy recovery looks like: honesty, empathy, consistent effort, and small moments of safety returning over time. Whether you’re three weeks or three years past discovery, this episode will help you shift focus from “How long will it take?” to “How far have we come?” and “Where are we headed next?” LINKS and EXTRAS Episode Page: https://www.affairhealing.com/podcasts/027 Real change for Involved Partners: The Renovate Project Articles: (1) Getting Over an Affair Too Quickly, (2) Can It Take Too Long to Get Over an Affair? Sign up for our Weekly Newsletter for encouragement and information about recommendations and new resources for affair healing, relationship growth, and personal change. Need personal help? Schedule a Session with one of our coaches.

The question “Why did you do it?” is one of the hardest parts of affair recovery. In this episode, Tim Tedder explores why many unfaithful partners struggle to explain their behavior and why simple answers rarely satisfy the person who’s been betrayed. Through real-life comments and a new audio sketch, he illustrates how confusion, shame, and self-protection often block understanding in the early stages of healing. Tim then offers a practical framework for finding real clarity. He walks listeners through five areas of reflection—steps of compromise, historical risks, personal risks, relationship risks, and circumstantial risks—that help reveal how an affair unfolded and what must change to prevent it from happening again. The goal isn’t just explanation, but transformation: learning from the past to build a more honest, secure, and fulfilling relationship. LINKS and EXTRAS Episode Web Page: https://affairhealing.com/podcasts/026 Learn more about The RENOVATE Project Other related episodes: Crossing the Line and 6 Affair Motives Sign up for our Weekly Newsletter for encouragement and information about recommendations and new resources for affair healing, relationship growth, and personal change.

What actually counts as cheating? A kiss? A message? A “like” on an ex’s beach photo? In this episode, Tim Tedder explores how couples define (and often misdefine) the lines that shape trust. Through candid street interviews, audio sketches, survey results, and insights from affair recovery specialists, he reveals why some boundaries feel universal while others depend entirely on a couple’s unique agreement. Listeners will hear from Dr. Erin Weaver, a psychologist who works with clients in non-monogamous relationships, offering a fascinating look at how trust can be negotiated differently while still maintaining the same need for honesty and consent. By the end, you’ll understand that boundaries aren’t about controlling behavior—they’re about defining what safety, respect, and loyalty mean for your relationship. Because when it comes to trust, the rules only work if you both helped write them. LINKS and EXTRAS Episode Page: https://AffairHealing.com/podcasts/025 Couple’s Exercise: Clarify Your Relationship Boundaries Information about Dr. Erin Weaver More information about Tim Tedder’s new resources for involved partners. Sign up for our Weekly Newsletter for encouragement and information about recommendations and new resources for affair healing, relationship growth, and personal change. Need personal help? Schedule a Session with one of our coaches.