Interior Integration for Catholics

Fr. Boniface Hicks joins us once again as we continue our series on integrated personal formation, this time with a Q&A from our live audience. Fr. Boniface answers a wide range of questions about spiritual and pastoral formation, including: 1) What counsel can you give to those who have experienced poor spiritual formation, especially from formators who only acknowledge the spiritual realm? 2) How do you deal with St. Ignatius of Loyola’s “evil spirits” from the IFS perspective? Would this involve a more compassionate approach to temptation? 3) How do you leverage parts in spiritual direction when your director has no experience with IFS? 4) In the context of Colossians 1:15-20, can you share how your inmost self holds space for an encounter with Jesus and some of your exiled parts? 5) Can spiritual direction be positive and productive if the directee has a strong hiding part or protectors that don’t want to be transparent with the director? 6) Can you talk about the prophetic timing of human formation in the context of Pastores Dabo Vobis, given the cultural issues of the meltdown of the family, marriage, etc.? 7) How do different kinds of suffering relate to our parts? 8) In resisting spiritual bypassing, is there not also the risk of bypassing the spiritual, bypassing the walk with Jesus? Is there a way to navigate this?

What makes good spiritual direction? What makes good spiritual directors? And what gets in the way in spiritual direction? To answers these questions, Fr. Boniface Hicks, joins us as continue our series on the integration of personal formation for Catholics. Fr. Boniface is a Benedictine monk and the Director of Spiritual Formation at St. Vincent Seminary as well as the Director of the Institute for Ministry Formation. He is an accomplished retreat master, author of four books on the spiritual life, and a seasoned expert in what it takes to accompany others on their spiritual journeys. We explore the formation that spiritual directors need, how you can recognize when something is lacking in your spiritual direction and the most common human formation challenges and deficits that Catholic spiritual directors are likely to encounter in themselves and in those they serve.

What do the roots, trunk, branches, leaves, and apples of a tree have to do with your Catholic formation? Find out how these, combined with sunlight, water, and soil, bring us an integrated understanding of personal formation grounded in a Catholic understanding of the human person, drawing from Church documents and the sciences of the natural world. By looking at an apple tree, we can understand our own formation and where we need to change and grow much better – and not just as solitary trees, but together, in community, in a forest. Join me, Dr. Peter Malinoski, as we learn how to flourish in love and for love, as Catholics journeying together.

In this episode, we discuss how models help us more fully understand Catholic personal formation by showing distinctions and relationships among human formation, spiritual formation, intellectual formation, and pastoral formation. Next, we examine my new model that views formation through a mathematical lens. I explain each dimension of formation, likening them to a branch of mathematics, and draw from Pastores Dabo Vobis and other Church documents to illuminate the inter-dimensional relationships in personal formation. Finally, I tell a fictional story that illustrates how deficits in one domain of formation can negatively impact all the other dimensions of formation. Check out the video on our Interior Integration for Catholics on YouTube at https://youtu.be/YDztbbNBBtk or on our IIC landing page at https://www.soulsandhearts.com/iic

In this episode, philosopher Matthew Walz, Ph.D. the Director of Intellectual Formation at Holy Trinity Seminary, explains the integration of the four pillars of formation laid out in Pope St. John Paul II's Pastores Dabo Vobis. We dive into why it is so important to integrate the four types of formation and whether there is a hierarchy or sequence among them. We then discuss Dr. Walz’s models of integrated formation first presented in his article, “Toward a Causal Account of Priestly Formation: A Reading of Pastores Dabo Vobis”, which can be found here: https://www.hprweb.com/2021/01/toward-a-causal-account-of-priestly-formation/. Dr. Walz explains how the four dimensions of formation — human formation, spiritual formation, intellectual formation, and pastoral formation — parallel Aristotle’s four causes, which are the material, formal, efficient, and final causes. The types of formation also parallel the “four loves”— love of self, love of God, love of truth, and love of neighbor. Finally, these four kinds of formation parallel the dimensions of Christ — Christ in His human nature and as priest, prophet, and king. We wrap up this episode by discussing what Dr. Walz means by “dimensional trespassing" in the process of formation.

My guest, Dr. Gerry, answers questions from our live audience about his new book, Litanies of the Heart: Relieving Post-Traumatic Stress and Calming Anxiety Through Healing Our Parts. We begin by receiving some wonderful feedback for Dr. Gerry about his book. Then we dive into some questions our audience has for Dr. Gerry: 1) Can 58 years of rearranging my life to recycle the feelings of shame from being molested be resolved? 2) Can it be true that not all parts can know Jesus or not all parts can have a relationship with Him? 3) Are we naturally in self as children, before experiencing trauma? 4) In attachment terms, can misattunement happen pre-verbally, affecting access to your inmost self before you are able to express it? 5) How much culpability do we have for sinful behaviors driven by the unmet needs of parts who have good intentions? 6) What are the relationships among the inmost self, the intellect, and the will?

In this episode, I address a controversial clip from episode 79 of the Restore the Glory podcast, in which host Jake Khym provides an example of how he brings Jesus into his own parts work. I explain the potential issues I see with bringing God into human formation work. Then, I dive into the seven reasons why I initially focus on the natural realm: 1) Almost no one else focuses on human formation grounded in a Catholic understanding of the human person; 2) Human formation is the basis of all formation, according to St. John Paul II; 3) There is a huge wealth of information from secular sources that I can and should bring to the Church; 4) So many spiritual problems are spiritual consequences of human formation deficits; 5) My training and experience are in human formation, not spiritual formation; 6) Natural means are primarily used for the early development of infants, toddlers, and preschoolers; 7) Explicitly God-centric approaches are not optimal for every part in every person, and may even be harmful in some cases.

My guest, Dr. Gerry Crete shares with us the inside story of his brand-new book, Litanies of the Heart: Relieving Post-Traumatic Stress and Calming Anxiety through Healing Our Parts. This book grounds IFS and parts in a Catholic understanding of the human person, showing how parts work is both Biblical and harmonizable with our Catholic faith. Because the intellectual experience doesn’t fully encapsulate the human experience, Dr. Gerry uses stories and vignettes in a way that connects with everyone, not just therapists. He invites all the outcast parts into relationships, making them feel safe enough to connect on a deep level with others and God. Dr. Gerry also provides a glimpse of the writing and publishing process, the challenges and struggles he faced, as well as his moments of inspiration. We discuss a few favorite pages from the book, such as Dr. Gerry’s diagram of the soul and body overlapping in the heart, where all the parts are.

In this episode, my guest, licensed marriage and family therapist Dr. Gerry Crete and I discuss how best to engage with borderline dynamics within your family. People with “borderline personalities” have surprisingly intense internal experiences that are rarely handled well by the people around them. Dr. Gerry suggests avoiding both expressing too much frustration and invalidation. Instead, he recommends trying to view situations from their perspective and looking for the kernel of truth in their reactions. Acceptance of borderline emotions and perspectives can create the opening a person needs to engage more collaboratively. Learn how to avoid one little dangerous word and use another, much better little word in conversation with those with borderline traits. Dr. Gerry also responds to these questions (among others) from our live audience: 1) How do you deal with blazing rage and other extreme emotions? 2) How do you navigate narcissism and borderline within a marriage and the battle between the integrity needs of both? 3) How do you learn to love people with borderline tendencies? 4) Where is the balance between sacrificial love and self-care? 5) Will people with borderline ever be capable of developing an awareness of other people’s feelings and perspectives? 6) What is the healing and forgiveness process between a mother with borderline and her daughter? 7) How do you deal with the guilt, shame, and anxiety caused by borderline? 8) How do you stop the cycle of borderline tendencies from being passed from parent to child?

In this episode we explore in detail how Internal Family Systems can help with borderline dynamics. We review the definitions of the innermost self and parts, the six attachment and six integrity needs, and we discuss the three major reasons why clients with BPD have been bruised and wounded by mental health professionals. I review the seven tenets of Therapist-Focused Consultation (TFC) and then we walk with Tina from episode 127 as she begins IFS informed therapy, and how that therapy invites and includes all her parts, without the need for grounding exercises that suppress her exiles and firefighters. This episode may be particularly helpful to Catholic therapists and counselors to not be afraid of or destabilized by those clients with borderline dynamics.

(Please note that sound effects are used in this episode and may be triggering to parts.) In this episode, I take you inside the experience of Tina, a 32-year-old Catholic woman with “borderline personality” and introduce you to seven of her parts and how they switch inside her. These switches involve not only emotions, but all of Tina’s internal experience, so her parts are not merely transient mood states. We review the IFS understanding of innermost self, exiled parts, manager parts, and firefighter parts. And then we break down everything that happened in the restaurant in her conflict with her fiancé, Phillip, walking through each DSM-5 diagnostic criteria for BPD and seeing how her parts contributed to the symptom, getting to the “Why” of borderline behaviors.

In this episode, my guest Dr. Greg Bottaro of the CatholicPsych Institute shares with us the most important thing he wants us to remember about borderline personality dynamics, the things that Catholics and non-Catholics most often misunderstand about borderline presentations, and his takeaways about borderline "personalities." We then open the floor to these questions from our live audience: 1) How do you stay in relationship with someone who is threatening to harm themselves, you, or other family members? 2) Are anger and anxiety typical coping mechanisms for those with borderline characteristics? 3) I think I may have borderline personality with a strong strain of self-hatred. What is the role of concupiscence and wounds in borderline personality? 4) How would a Catholic parent with a spouse with Borderline Personality Disorder characteristics navigate teaching or picking up the pieces with young children who witness severe emotional dysregulation on a regular basis without undermining the spouse or triangulating? 5) Someone brought to my awareness that they see BPD characteristics in me. How do I approach true authentic healing so that I don't wound others, while not falling into the trap of getting a formal diagnosis to justify my actions or over-spiritualizing, trying to pray it away or just go to confession? 6) How do I help my young adult son who is married to someone I suspect has BPD characteristics who is now cutting off communication with us and who is not taking care of himself and who has said he is in turmoil when his wife, my daughter-in-law, who seems controlling and needing lots of "space"?

This episode focuses on the internal experience of borderline personality dynamics, what it feels like. Next, I share how “borderline” is a relatively new diagnosis, and previously indicated a range of personality development, rather than a specific disorder. I then discuss the standard diagnostic criteria from the DSM-5 and the Psychodynamic Diagnostic Manual, 2nd Ed., summarizing the symptoms in plain English. I explore the etiology or the origin of “borderline personality” and the underlying unmet attachment needs that fuel borderline dynamics. I describe different subtypes of borderline presentations and explore the types of partners to whom those with borderline dynamics are romantically attracted. From there, I describe five major treatment approaches and briefly discuss an outcome study. In closing, I review some suggestions for living with someone who presents with borderline characteristics.

In this special edition, I invite you to an experiential exercise to connect in a loving way with your parts who are in any distress or suffering with the armed conflict between Hamas and Israel and the humanitarian tragedies that conflict has brought. I do this experiential exercise along with you, working with my Adventurer part who has been burdened with fear and anxiety, especially around the conflict broadening out regionally in the Middle East and beyond. Parts also have an opportunity, with your innermost self to question and challenge God about what is happening.

In this episode, I invited licensed marriage and family therapist Dr. Gerry Crete and a live audience to discuss the best ways to relate with family members with narcissistic traits while still preserving one's own limits and dignity. Dr. Gerry addressed the following: 1) Why is it important to prepare yourself for relating with someone with dominant narcissistic parts? 2) How can we recognize our own limitations and the fact that we cannot change another person by our own efforts? 3) How can we understand the positive intentions of others' narcissistic parts? 4) What should you do if you are flooded and agitated by a family member with narcissistic tendencies? 5) How should you communicate your limits and boundaries with such family members? 6) How can you distinguish between standing up and advocating for yourself an just being "oversensitive" or prideful? 7) Are idealizing and devaluing the primary signs of narcissism or is there a deeper key feature? 8) How does narcissism often play out in a family when an aged parent dies? 9) When is it necessary to temporarily disconnect or separate from the family because of narcissism in other members? 10) How do we maintain "radical acceptance" of others and still hold boundaries and protect ourselves? 11) What kind of IFS groups are available online? 12) How does a lack of empathy present differently in narcissism vs. autism?

In this episode, we review several definitions of gaslighting, discuss the tactics of gaslighting, explore the inner experience of both gaslighters and gaslightees, describe gaslighting in the workplace and with children, and list the four relationship dynamics of gaslighting. Then we describe how gaslighting and being gaslighted connects to deep, unmet attachment and integrity needs. We also address the special aspects of spiritual gaslighting with examples. Finally, we cover how to assess whether you are being gaslighted, describe recovery from gaslighting and address gaslighting from an Internal Family Systems perspective.

Today with our live audience, we start with 15 minutes of Q&A about narcissism addressing these questions: 1) Does acknowledging our own narcissism makes us more or less vulnerable to exploitation by another person? 2) Are children of parents with borderline personalities more likely to be attracted to narcissistic partners? 3)What is “healthy narcissism”? Then from the 15-minute mark to the 50-minute mark, we engage in an experiential exercise together to encounter and connect with parts of ourselves with narcissistic features. Afterward, we debrief and share our experiences addressing these topics and questions: 1) Can narcissistic approaches be helpful in certain situations or environments? 2) Is narcissism the result of too much self-love or too little? 3) How can we get normal needs for affirmation met in non-narcissistic ways? 4) Why is it important to be gentle with narcissistic parts? 5) Why do narcissistic parts often sense themselves to be aged 2, 6, or 13? 6) Why is there such a “rush” or dopamine “high” when narcissistic parts receive the admiration and idealization that they seek?

In this groundbreaking episode, Dr. Peter explains how to conceptualize narcissistic "personalities" and narcissistic reactions through the lens of Internal Family Systems. Looking at narcissism through the lens of subsystems and parts is an entirely new paradigm that makes it easier to accept the reality the unmet attachment and integrity needs that fuel narcissistic positions and behaviors. Through four case vignettes, Dr. Peter illustrates how both covert and overt narcissism look and function from a parts and systems perspective.

In this episode, Catholic psychologist Peter Martin and I discuss narcissism with a live audience, covering the following questions: 1) What are two primary clinical approaches to treating individuals with narcissism; 2) How do we distinguish between boldness and narcissism; 3) How does one relate with a narcissistic spouse; 4) How do we work with narcissistic family members who don’t believe in God; 5) The importance of feeling cherished and treasured by God; 6) The relationship between narcissism and spiritual abuse in religious communities and organizations; 7) What makes it difficult for a person with narcissism to receive the love of God; 8) what are the different attachment styles associated with overt and covert narcissism; 9) How do children’s experiences of narcissism impact them in adulthood; 10) What are the effects of narcissistic parenting on children’s separation and individuation; and 11) How does one manage a contentious co-parenting relationship with an ex-spouse who is narcissistic?

In this episode, we examine different definitions of narcissism, we look at the markers and diagnostic criteria for narcissism, we examine the main beliefs, emotions, assumptions, and internal experiences that fuel narcissistic defenses (especially idealization and devaluation), we focus on relational patterns that narcissists have, and we look at how narcissists subjectively experience themselves. I show how narcissistic defenses represent maladaptive ways of trying to get deep needs met, especially integrity needs. We explore different kinds of narcissism, especially the different between overt and covert narcissism. We then go into how to identify narcissistic behaviors and appropriate ways of responding, according to the secular experts. Also, I issue you an invitation to a special opportunity. Tonight, Monday, August 7, 2023, from 8:30 PM to 10:00 PM Eastern Time -- I will have Catholic Psychologist Peter Martin as a special guest and we will be discussing narcissism -- in this free Zoom meeting, for the first 30 minutes or so, Dr. Martin and I will have a conversation about narcissism, and then for the next hour, we open it up for questions. Register by going to our Interior Integration for Catholics Landing page at soulsandhearts.com/iic. At the top, there's a link to register for the Zoom meeting. You can send me questions to crisis@soulsandhearts.com -- or leave me a VM at 317.567.9594 and I will play that voicemail on the air and Dr. Martin and I will answer you questions.