Footballland

Greetings, Captain Footballland here! I have exciting things to report: our intrepid trio continue to fight for the greater footballing good – battling interminable desert sand storms, blistering temperature and general indifference – the park progress. Flying high above the footprint of Footballland I can imagine the splendour that awaits, which is good because it's just sand at the minute. BUT meanwhile our brave threesome not only continue the build, but bring us THREE new attractions too!!! Robbie Fowler's Growler While the boys struggled to imagine Robbie Fowler in any other era than the 1990s, they luckily didn't struggle to imagine him with a massive bush and a series of animals that growl... Calf and a Half Petting zoo, centaur ride, I think not!! How about a field full of sexy, sexy, sexy leg shaped sexual aids. Imagine 'Field of Dreams' meets 'A Christmas Story' and you're about half way there. The Referee's A W*nker The less said about this the better. Give it a listen. If you can. Yours lovingly, Anthony Richardson (CEO) Mark Davison (Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer) Ryan Baxter (Intern) Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Good day fair Footballlanders, Another glorious week of Footballland is upon us, and what a week of Footballland last week was, no? EXCITING NEWS ALERT!! We have broken ground! We think... (TBC) Either way Mark is out in Qatar, we think... (or Saudi Arabia (TBC)) and he's employed a local (TBC) building contractor/builder/man who is definitely doing stuff. Robbie Keane's Roly Poly Shooting Gallery Ryan brings us one of the most iconic and poorly executed celebrations in football BUT in the form of a triathlon and possibly lots and lots of animal cruelty, (TBC). Headless Chickens FC Mark opens up about his former addiction to games consoles, it's hard to know whether this is a pitch or some kind of alternative therapy, however you won't be surprised to discover that clones are involved. And somebody with a massive head. The Footballer Vacation Simulator Want to live the high life? Or just look really bored on an identikit holiday of your mate's? Well, why have to choose when you can hop aboard the The Footballer Vacation Simulator. We can't wait for you all to visit Footballland. Next week - let's do it all again!! Yours lovingly, Anthony Richardson (CEO) Mark Davison (Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer) Ryan Baxter (Intern) Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Greetings Footballland Earholders! Well, we must apologise again, not sure to who, but to somebody for sure... Yes we've failed, yet again, to break ground on Footballland but we're not really worried because it's all sand and sand is dead easy to dig so, you know... In other news Anthony is having a lovely time in Hawaii as he makes his way "the other way" around the world back from Tuvalu, so as not to lose a day AND then there's the small matter of coming up with three excellent new rides too: The Quadruple Loople Mark pitches the impossible, which we thought had been done before on Footballland but this time it's really impossible, it's a ride that recreates all the hype and all the reality of an English club trying to complete the quadruple. (Community Shield excluded, T&Cs apply). It's Alive Anthony suggests an alternate use for Martin Tyler: mad scientist. What better way to celebrate the history of football than to take one of the most famous catchphrases of recent years and add a letter? Join Martin for some Frankenstein-ish goings on, oh and some snooker too. The Mark Drapery If you're going bring your antiques to Qatar to get polish by Juan Sebastian Veron then you might as well get your soft furnishing whipped up too, right? Well at least Ryan thinks so. (Bloody interns!!) Don't forget to send us your ride ideas and lots of love! With love from, Anthony Richardson (Footballland CEO) Mark Davison (Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer) Ryan Baxter (Intern) Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Greetings Footballlanders, It's all kicking off in Tuvalu! Anthony has started the newest, spiciest rivalry in football. After beating them in an 11 vs 1 game, he has now started to berate them and insult them whenever possible. Needless to say, we've not started building yet BUT we did come up with three excellent new rides: Ten Hag Pin Bowling Man Utd have tried everything to not be sh*t recently, and failed, but it's possible that Anthony might have a solution for them – 46 pin bowling! What better way to make squad choices that to knock down random pins representing members of the squad. Sound more plausible than something called Ed Woodward. Lee Cars Lee Ryan loves a car park doesn't he, he just can't help himself. While it's not another car park this time (thank god) it is another car park based pitch, it's the Lee Cars Lee! Who better to look after your car than Lee Carsley? Only one small hitch with this one, Lee might not want to give you your car back... The Draught Excluder Mark loves nothing more than at the end of a hard day, to crawl inside a giant sausage skin and lie in front of a draughty front door belonging to an old lady. So he made a ride out of it. At least I think that's what this is. Don't forget to send us your ride ideas and lots of love! Oh and join our Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballland With love from, Anthony Richardson (Footballland CEO) Mark Davison (Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer) Ryan Baxter (Intern) Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Support our Show! https://supporter.acast.com/footballland Sign up to the Patreon https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballland Greetings Footballland Earholders! What a sunny day it is here in Western Samoa, Doha and Butlins Minehead respectively! The team at Footballland are working around the clock to bring you the first, best, biggest and only football themed theme park in Qatar, ready for the World Cup in 2022 in Qatar, in Qatar in 2022, in Qatar, and we've almost started building! The three brand new rides for the park this week are as follows: Father & Son - The Big Man / Little Man Combo Ryan suggests having a service where disappointed dads can adopt a footballer to replace their hugely inadequate son. This leads to a conversation on the ethics of cloning, how to breed the perfect footballer and the curious case of Roy Keane Button. The Open Top Bus Parade Rollercoaster How can you have a football themed theme park without a rollercoaster in the shape of an open top bus parade? Has there ever been a double decker rollercoaster, and would anyone sit on the bottom deck apart from James Milner? Mount Mason Anthony has been reading about Everest recently and just how busy it is. So he suggests building a mountain one foot higher in the shape of Mason Mount. Thus the strain of Mount Everest would be relieved and climbers the world over can get intimately acquainted with every nook and cranny of the Chelsea and England international. And don't forget to send us your ride ideas! We'll feature every single one. With love from, Anthony Richardson (Footballland CEO) Mark Davison (Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer) Ryan Baxter (Intern) Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Support our Show! https://supporter.acast.com/footballland Sign up to the Patreon https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballland Welcome one and all to Footballland! After a slight mix up two of the trio are in Goa, India, while our Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer Mark Davison is in Doha. So we've been left with no option but to delay the building of our theme park by yet another week. Instead, we have decided to come up with THREE brand new rides for the world's first football theme park, in Qatar, for the World Cup in 2022 in Qatar, in Qatar. This week - a ride dedicated to the greatest goalkeeper you never saw, plus why is Jermaine Jenas giving our guests penis extensions? AND we pump one lucky punter full of drugs every minute! Will you be.... way too pumped? And don't forget to send us your ride ideas. Get them here in time for us to build the park though! With equal love and professional respect, Anthony Richardson (CEO) Mark Davison (Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer) Ryan Baxter (Intern) And don't forget to send us your ride ideas. Get them here in time for us to build the park though! With equal love and professional respect, Anthony Richardson (CEO) Mark Davison (Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer) Ryan Baxter (Intern) Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Support our Show! https://supporter.acast.com/footballland Sign up to the Patreon https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballland Hello from Saudi Arabia! The boys are in Saudi (although Mark is in fact in Qatar) to build the world's first football theme park in Qatar for the World Cup in Qatar in 2022 in Qatar, in Qatar! And what a theme park it's set to be. With over 200 rides and 17 different themed toilets there truly is something for everyone. And instead of building the thing this week, we decided to come up with three brand new rides! The Rebekah Vardy Escape Room Help! Peter Andre's penis has been lost in the North Sea! Can you help find it, then defend Rebekah Vardy against accusations of his murder? In this courtroom themed escape room, guests will relive the famous Rooney-Vardy case with an added twist! Groundswell Have you ever wanted to hop around all 92 football league stadiums while sprinkling water on them to keep them hydrated? Are you an elderly person with an urn full of tea? Come to Groundswell where you're guaranteed to pass the time. The Hall Of Past/Future Mirrors In yet another exhibit where our Chief Ride Engineer 'hasn't quite yet worked out the technology', guests can see what they would have looked like as a 17 year old academy graduate AND what they will look like as a grizzled 58 year old former pro turned pundit with a driving band and a hatred of exuberant haircuts! It's the Hall of Past/Future mirrors! And as ever please send us your ride ideas. We'll discuss every single one! Anthony Richardson (Footballland CEO) Mark Davison (Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer) Ryan Baxter (Intern) Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Greetings from Qatar! For the first time in Footballland history, the boys are in the Middle East! Anthony is in the Holiday Inn in Doha, Ryan is in The Marriott in Doha, and Mark is in Saudi Arabia. Time is really running out to build this park - at this rate we’re looking at building one ride per day before it opens - but Mark suggests we invent THREE more attractions this week before starting construction in earnest next Monday. Ashley Young Getting Bird Poo In His Mouth: The Ride Remember when Ashley Young jogged along the pitch with his mouth slightly open and a bird (possibly a seagull) pooed in it? It was an iconic moment in English football and to date has never been turned into a ride at a theme park. That is about to change, with Ashley Young Getting Bird Poo In His Mouth: The Ride. The Damp Squib Factor Football is mostly a bit rubbish, isn’t it? Games can be hyped up beyond all recognition on Sky Sports then the game is so offensively dull the image is burned onto your plasma TV screen. Our chief ride engineer Mark insists that we make Footballland a bit rubbish somehow so that football fans get the true football experience, and none of that Disney muck. The Watcher At Footballland we’re keen for fans to have a good time before they even get here, so we’re rigging up 360 webcams in the park so that guests can watch from a variety of authentic footballing angles. If you like watching other people having fun, this one’s for you! Remember, we *need* your ride ideas to fill up Footballland. Send them to us. Send them to us NOW. We’ll discuss every single one on the show. Most Kind Regards, Anthony Richardson (CEO of Footballland) Mark Davison (Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer) Ryan Baxter (Intern) Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Support our Show! https://supporter.acast.com/footballland Sign up to the Patreon https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballland Finally something for the children! Paul Ince is in danger of being forgotten by the youth of today, so what better way to revive his playing career than by creating a giant inflatable side with the bloody headband he wore in Turin? Plus we immortalise the 7 (SEVEN) touches Romelu Lukaku made in a Premier League game against Crystal Palace with a brand new sport involving a judo ring, a front door and a carpenter's tool bag. AND commentator Nigel Adderley brings you 'Hit The Stanchion.' His full email read: 'Hi all at Footballland. Here's an idea for you: Hit The Stanchion.' There has never been a brief so short in the history of Footballland but we think that Nigel will approve of the outcome. Please keep sending us your ride ideas. We'll feature each and every one. Anthony Richardson (CEO of Footballland) Mark Davison (Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer) Ryan Baxter (Intern) Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Fair Bank Holiday my UK based earholders! (And to the rest of the world... er, hello and don't ask what a Bank Holiday is.) We did it again, didn't we? Yep, we only went and came up with THREE sexy new attractions! We don't care how close it's getting until we're supposed to be opening the park, because we KNOW we can get it done. Plus why deny the future patrons of Footballland three new sexy attractions. Right? A big thanks to Patreon Thomas Stirewalt, who returns to pitch. Would you like to pitch us a ride? Get involved. Message us. DO IT NOW. Le Le Tissier Conspiracé Remember Old Matt, he of embarrassing goalkeepers fame, well we think he might have gotten an inner-ear infection or something because it seems his brain's gone a bit wobbly of late, well that's the most I'll say about that to avoid any kind of defamation suit. But incase you've ever wondered how you could make a rollercoaster experience appear like a conspiracy theory, we've done it, so if haven't, you don't have to. Pep's Over Thinking Obstacle Course Thomas Stirewalt is BACK!! And he brings us peak-Pep. Yes, what do you get the man who's got everything, the ability to out think and defeat himself of course. Imagine one of those snakes eating it its own tail – that's Pep. And that's also this ride ... ish. The House of the Unread How many shirts get written on every week in the footballing world? How many actually get to get shown? The ratio is nightmarish. It doesn't even bear thinking about. Dare you ride The House of the Unread. Hope you all have lovely, lovely, lovely, LOVELY week. Stay safe and please send us your ride ideas. We'll feature each and every one. Anthony Richardson (CEO) Mark Davison (Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer) Ryan Baxter (Intern) Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Support our Show! https://supporter.acast.com/footballland Sign up to the Patreon https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballland Good morrow Footballland Earholders! Can you believe there's only 210 days until the World Cup? Which means there's just 209 days until we need to have built Footballland, the world's first football themed theme park (we're building it a day earlier just in case people have already got to Qatar). This week we're excited to unveil THREE new rides, of which only one is a ride. The other two are experiences, and what incredible experiences they are! A big thanks to Patreon Phil Lee, who returns to pitch. Would you like to pitch us a ride? Get involved. Message us. DO IT NOW. THE UNSUNG HERO You know that background music nobody really listens to in theme parks? We've sorted it. 3 hours of the most boring, so-inoffensive-it's-bordering-on-offensive football themed music we could find! THE I LOVE FOOTBALL GLOBAL THEATRE (AND GYM?) Still no idea why there's a gym involved, but thanks Phil Lee. And great for Eric Cantona to get involved. LIVE DRAW LOVE BALLS Now you can experience the thrill of a numbered ball being drawn out of a massive machine as we create the biggest and only FA Cup draw simulator yet! Will you soil yourself? It's very likely! And please send us your ride ideas. We'll feature each and every one. Anthony Richardson (CEO) Mark Davison (Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer) Ryan Baxter (Intern) Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Support our Show! https://supporter.acast.com/footballland Sign up to the Patreon https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballland Happy Easter to all our Footballland Earholders! And a special Happy Easter to Patreon Graham Boosey, who pitches the grass roots experience HE DOESN'T WANT IT. Footballland is really taking shape now. With just 6 months until opening day we're proud to have designed nearly 200 rides directly or loosely related to football. And our Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer Mark Davison informs us that he will start building them as soon as he has a bit more free time. So here's what the rides is this week: EMERSON ROYAL WITH CHEESE Mark makes the very dubious claim that all theme parks have waxworks (before failing to name a single proper theme park with a waxwork). He therefore demands that Footballland include a waxworks with all the footballers recreating famous scenes from Hollywood history. HE DOESN'T WANT IT Patreon Graham Boosey pitches us his nightmarish grass roots football experience, because if there's one thing the punters in Qatar need, it's a faithful reenactment of a hungover Sunday league game on Hackney Marshes. THE BACK PASS "Dare you ride The Back Pass?" A genuinely terrifying, thrill-every-other-minute offering from Anthony this week, who unveils a ride version of the scariest moment in football - when a back pass to the keeper is slightly underhit. As ever, send us your ride ideas for this wonderful theme park - we'll discuss each and every one. Yours lovingly and professionally, Anthony Richardson (CEO) Mark Davison (Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer) Ryan Baxter (Intern) Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Support our Show! https://supporter.acast.com/footballland Sign up to the Patreon https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballland Greetings Footballland Earholders, And a special Footballland greeting to those of you interested in seeing a Fox In The Box placed in a perspex box the size of a penalty box with an actual fox. Boy are you in luck this week! A huge thank you to our Patreon Thomas Stirewalt, who pitches The Time Waster, the world's first Diego Simeone simulator! Plus our intern Ryan introduces a maze featuring THREE Dele Allis, all at varying stages of his career! If only Milton Keynes wasn't so difficult to get out of. Please keep sending us your Patreon rides, we'll feature them all. With love, Anthony Richardson (CEO) Mark Davison (Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer) Ryan Baxter (Intern) Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Support our Show! https://supporter.acast.com/footballland Sign up to the Patreon https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballland Greetings Footballland earholders! It’s another week of dreamweaving here at Footballland HQ. We’ve been accidentally given $1 billion by the state of Qatar to build the world’s first football theme park and by jove we’re spending that money wisely. Plastic surgery to make 5 tickling fetichists look like Chelsea manager Thomas Tuchel? CHECK. A giant velcro catapult to chuck missing children back towards their worried parents? CHECK. An art installation hosted by Burnley’s Dwight McNeil? CHECK CHECK CHECK. Here are this week’s rides: TICKLY THOMAS TUCHEL Really starting to worry about Anthony, to be honest. He’s convinced that there are people out there that get off on being tickled. He’s then suggested that we take 11 people (5 who get off on being tickled, 6 who absolutely hate being tickled) and plastic surgery them into the shape of Thomas Tuchel, then let them loose around the park as, what, greeters? The idea is that Footballland patrons must decide whether to tickle or be tickled. It’s completely absurd. Did it get voted in? Of course it did. IT’LL BE ALL DWIGHT ON THE NIGHT So Ryan isn’t all that much better than Anthony this week. He wants Dwight Yorke to present a daily blooper reel at Footballland for all the guests that had an accident while at the park. But then he hedges his bets in case this idea is awful and chooses instead to have every footballer called Dwight, plus the reanimated body of Dwight Eisenhower, performing some sort of art installation in one of the Os of Footballland. Does it get voted in? Of course it bloody does. PUNT IT UPFIELD But topping it all off this week is Mark, who seemingly forgot he’s already pitched a ride based on long hopeful balls with STICK IT IN THE MIXER. His latest variation on a theme is based around that assist that Alisson did recently and involves velcro. Does it get voted in despite no one being quite sure what it is? Yep, you guessed it. Do YOU have a ride idea that involves plastic surgery, velcro, Dwight McNeil, or none of the above? You are more than welcome to pitch it to us here at Footballland. We’ll discuss everything you throw at us. Enjoy the ep and see you next week! Anthony (CEO) Mark (Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer) Ryan (Intern) Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Support our Show! https://supporter.acast.com/footballland Sign up to the Patreon https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballland Greetings Footballland Earholders! And a special welcome to our new Patreon Thomas Stirewalt, who is the proud sponsor of our new car park (The Thomas Spirewalt Car Park, suitable for both cars and motorcycles and nocturnal nesting place of Pepe, should he so wish). Thanks, Thomas! This is an apt point to remind you that you can pitch a ride to us if you're a Patreon and we will discuss it on the show. Patreon pitches thus far have included Lee Cattermole's Petting Zoo, The Cristiano Ronaldo Hall of Mirrors, Gary Mabbutt's Queen's Nose and A Cup Of Carabao. Thanks indeed to those of you who have sent stuff our way - Footballland is shaping up nicely because of it. So, what's on the agenda this week? The Glenn Hoddle School Of English Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer Mark Davison has unveiled plans to build a multi-million pound language school at Footballland, focusing on Glenn Hoddle's unique usage of the English Language. The Glennglish Centre expects to welcome many students from November. The Matty Cash Point Footballland will be a cashless theme park. However, if you're desperate to visit the corner shop down the road and need a fiver for a bottle of Highland Spring, we will be giving Matty Cash £10,000 every day, making him the world's first human ATM. But be quick - Matt gets to keep all the money left over at the end of each night, so you'll have to work hard for your dosh! Ooh Aah Canada! Ryan really fought to have his ride included without the addition of a 107 year old Jermain Defoe with trains for eyes, but Anthony and Mark convinced him in the end! As a result, Oh Canada will be the world's only theme park ride featuring a 107 year old Jermain Defoe with trains for eyes. You're welcome, Ryan! Best regards, Anthony Richardson (CEO of Footballland) Mark Davison (Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer) Ryan Baxter (Intern) Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Support our Show! https://supporter.acast.com/footballland Sign up to the Patreon https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballland Greetings Earholders! What a lovely day it is too, not least because you've got a brand new episode of Footballland ready to plug into your earholes! We have $1 billion dollars burning a hole in our pocket and we're about to spunk it all on some giant fibreglass faces of Harry Kane and Son Heung-Min! Here's the rides for your consideration today: The Kane And Sonbination Harry Kane and Son Heung-Min recently won Spurs yet another made up trophy - the most combined goals in the history of the Premier League. Weird that Frank Lampard and Didier Drogba didn't celebrate when they held that title. Probably out winning genuine cups, I'd imagine. So we've put our thinking caps on and come up with the best way to commemorate them - with the world's first suck and blow vertical water flume! The Catapult Bra Sports bras are all the rage in men's football. They say it's for data, but why not have a microchip injected into your neck like cats do? So Ryan wants to use these 'Catapult Bras' at Footballland, and has come up with a crack security team who weed out the tits and fling them out of the park! Garth Crooks' Team Of The Day Mark is rightly obsessed with Garth Crooks, and proposes hiring him to give out awards to punters at the end of every day. But what categories will he judge? And what about those occasions on which he is weirdly quite sensible? And please keep sending us your ride ideas! We will discuss each and every one. Anthony Richardson, Footballland CEO Mark Davison Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer Ryan Baxter, Intern Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dear Lorders and Lorderesses of Footballland, We had another indulgent meeting this week – when we really should be cracking on with building the park – we just couldn't help ourselves. So yes, we've piled more pressure on ourselves by creating three more attractions that just have to be built. Klich Koch The Bielsa Clock This aspect of the park might not get used all that much because it's almost impossible to pronounce – even Ryan, the idiot that came up with the idea can't say it until about the fifth attempt. Anyway he sees it as a kind of VIP priority access that allows you get on more rides than you might ordinarily, the only downside being that you're going to be dressed as a sausage and Mateusz Klich and Robin Koch (dressed as hotdog buns) will be carrying you. Stick It In The Mixer Mark brings us one of the more realistic rides we've ever conceived, there's no cloning, no miracle drugs, nor any as yet to be invented ... science. It's just a modified carnival ride, with a couple of ex-professional players lowered into it (dressed as babies) to fire footballs at you, just don't concede. Be The Kepa Anthony brings us........ No, it's not a giant fibre glass footballer for once, but there is a gift shop (somehow). It's the Kepa Arrizabalaga experience!!! Specifically his cup competition antics ... experience. Watch pretty much nothing for 119 minutes and then come on a fail to save any penalties, sounds boring but it's not, honestly!!!!!!! Join us next week where we promise to get building (not). Don't forget to send us your ride ideas, we'll discuss each and every one. With professional consensual love, Anthony Richardson (CEO) Mark Davison (Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer) Ryan Baxter (Intern) Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Support our Show! https://supporter.acast.com/footballland Sign up to the Patreon https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballland Dear Earholders of Footballland and those fortunate enough to stumble across this recording. It's been another hugely successful meeting in the planning of the world's first football theme park in Qatar for the World Cup in Qatar, in Qatar (in Qatar). Mark has stopped calling it an 'improvised comedy podcast,' Ryan is making prototypes other than the Steve Mechanical Bull, and Anthony has bought two shovels off Amazon Prime. We are delighted to unveil THREE new attractions. Revenge Of The Picked Last Kids Remember that awful feeling you had as a child - being picked last to play a game of playground football? Or as an adult if you're Scott McTominay? Well, Mark wants to bring that sensation to Footballland somehow. Whether it's a rollercoaster, themed restaurant or VR simulator, he's not quite sure. But it's vital we incorporate this footballling rite of passage. The XG Experience When OPTA introduced a way to show how many goals football teams should have scored in a game, the world breathed a huge sigh of relief. Fantastic news - Anthony has found a way to bring XG to Footballland with EXPECTED GOES, a computer that tells you how many rides you could have been on at the park if only you'd been more efficient with your day. How does this work in practice? It's simple - each guest at the park will be cloned and placed in a replica Footballland. That Footballland will be placed at the bottom of the sea so that those clones don't ever find out that they're clones and stage a mutiny. The Romelu Poo-Car-Queue Footballland is going to be incredibly busy, causing long traffic jams on the road from Doha to the park. But what if someone in their car needs the toilet? Enter the Romelu Poo-Car-Queue, a massive portable toilet on wheels that races to your position and allows you to relieve yourself in the body of a giant fibreglass footballer. We can't wait to open our park to the world, and after we design about 30 to 60 more rides we'll be ready to begin construction. Don't forget to send us your ride ideas, we'll discuss each and every one. With professional love, Anthony Richardson (CEO) Mark Davison (Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer) Ryan Baxter (Intern) Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Support our Show! https://supporter.acast.com/footballland Sign up to the Patreon https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballland [Musical notes emoji] Footballland, FOOTBALLLAND. FOOOT BBAALLLL LAND [/Musical notes emoji] It's a serious business, creating the world's first football themed theme park in Qatar for the World Cup in Qatar in Qatar, but you know what? We had a right bloomin laugh making this episode. This week in Footballland we have the pleasure of unveiling THREE new attractions. They are: SNORING JAMES MILNER - FOR FOUR OR FIVE NIGHTS ONLY Fresh from winning a Carabao Cup, James Milner will be jetting off to Footballland to work in a sleep clinic, diagnosing patients' sleep apnoea. The lab will be constructed inside a giant animatronic fibreglass James Milner, which will itself be sleeping on a giant bed, eating any guests who wake it up. At night, James (the human, not the fibreglass) will sleep in the bed of one lucky Footballland guest. Note to self, remember to unteach him how to read... VICTORIAN TERRACE PISSBALL A giant pyramid stolen from Mexico, upon which will stand a statue of a drunk Victorian football fan urinating lucozade down all four sides. Footballland guests must race up the pyramid in sponge-soled shoes. Don't get your feet wet! FREAKY FREE KICKS Footballland's answer to the Chair-o-planes - guests sit in giant footballers' legs and try to kick a ball while being swung around in a circle. You'll be delighted to her that our ride engineer Mark has begun work on a prototype version by sticking a ball bearing in a condom and swinging it around his living room. If absolutely none of the above makes sense, then listen to the episode and all will become crystal clear. Don't forget to send us your ride ideas and we'll see you at the grand opening! Anthony, Mark and Ryan Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Support our Show! https://supporter.acast.com/footballland Sign up to the Patreon https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballland Greetings Footballlanders! It took us until Episode 23 of season 2 to come up with a casino for Footballland. What have we called it? The Tony Cascacasino. The great news is that you're all invited to gamble there to your hearts' content. And if you're fortunate enough to be the last person into the park on any given day, you get to play our special new game - Full Ham. The rules of the game are quite simple: you must catch three Fulham players and two live pigs that have been let loose in the Tony Cascacasino. What a way to spend your visit at Footballland! Also this week, one new ride and one new travel agent! The Faillercoaster is a hi-octane rollercoaster that simulates the experience of being not quite good enough to become a professional footballer! Can't wait to almost ride that one! And in tribute to Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang going on holiday to Barcelona and then accidentally becoming a Barcelona player by the end of it, we've set up the Aubameyang Boomerang, where your family go on an excursion to a tourist hotspot and nearly all of you come back! And remember, if you have an idea for a ride at Footballland, please don't hesitate to let us know. We'll feature every single one! Warm, professional love, Anthony Richardson (CEO) Mark Davision (Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer) Ryan Baxter (Intern) Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.