Keeping Records

"I hope you never lose your sense of wonder, You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger, May you never take one single breath for granted, God forbid love ever leave you empty handed, I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean, Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens, Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance, And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance. I hope you dance... I hope you dance... I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance, Never settle for the path of least resistance, Livin' might mean takin' chances, but they're worth takin', Lovin' might be a mistake, but it's worth makin', Don't let some Hell bent heart leave you bitter, When you come close to sellin' out reconsider, Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance, And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance. I hope you dance... I hope you dance. I hope you dance... I hope you dance. (Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along, Tell me who wants to look back on their years And wonder where those years have gone.) I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean, Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens, Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance, And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance. Dance... I hope you dance. I hope you dance... I hope you dance. I hope you dance... I hope you dance. (Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along, Tell me who wants to look back on their years And wonder where those years have gone.)" Anya's Picks The Library (Place) Napster (Technology) The Day on Twitter When Trump Got Covid (Shared Experience) Casey's Picks A Planet Hollywood Restaurant (Restaurant) The Irish Goodbye (Gesture) The Thing (1982 Film) Watch the video version of the episode Follow the show @keepingrecordspod Advertise on Keeping Records via Gumball.fm See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

An episode full of shocking revelations. Someone in the room (EJ) has never been to TGI Friday's. Someone else in the room (Shelby) thinks Taylor Swift is a psychopath. And someone else in the room (our guest Sam Sanders [It's Been a Minute, Vibe Check, Into It]) didn't know that Jason Mraz says he's Mr. A to Z because Mr. A to Z spells... Mraz . Also we rarely get this topical/controversial but if you're looking for a primer on the entire DWD drama between Oliv*a and H*rry and J*son, we've got a literal NPR reporter (our guest Sam Sanders) to take you through it beat by beat. At some point, artifacts were sent to the aliens. Sam's Artifacts: Continuum by John Mayer (Music) "Pop-Up Video" (Audio-Visual) Really Good California Edibles (Drug) Carly Rae Jepson (Person) Funyons (Food) Lisa Frank Trapper Keeper (Ephemera) Follow Sam on Twitter and Instagram. Watch the video version of the episode Follow the show @keepingrecordspod Advertise on Keeping Records via Gumball.fm See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Shelby gets a little philosophical. Allison helps us get a little introspective. And EJ has chapped lips. Allison Raskin (writer/director/comedian/YouTuber/podcaster/mental health advocate!!!) is here for some high brow, some low brow, some pure comedy gold. And the artifacts? Ohhhh these artifacts. You don't see artifacts like these every day. There's music and movies and food and warm feelings, which (we hope) are all the aliens' favorite things (fingers crossed). Also, our source at NASA has all but confirmed that this record manifested the Blink-182 reunion tour announced this week, so if you're 28-38 years old..... you're welcome, from all of us here at Keeping Records/NASA :-) Allison's Artifacts: Get Over It (2001 Film) Blink-182's Enema of the State (1999 Music Album) Allison's Childhood Stuffed Animal BobFred (Ephemera) Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream in the Flavor Coffee Coffee BuzzBuzzBuzz! (Food) The Feeling Of Someone You Love Wrapping a Dry Towel Around You When You Get Out Of a Pool (Feeling) Follow Allison on Instagram and Twitter. Watch the video version of the episode Follow the show @keepingrecordspod Advertise on Keeping Records via Gumball.fm See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Well looky who we have here: it's the literal titans of the heterosexual podcasting world, George Civeris and Sam Taggart (Straightiolab). To keep things super duper straight this episode, the gang discuss Reese Witherspoon, owls, Lady Gaga, taking a nice long walk in the fall, and then circling back to Reese Witherspoon again. The aliens also get the BOGO deal of a lifetime with two sets of artifacts rocketing off into space: George's Artifacts: The Final Scene Of The Movie Wild (Film Scene) The Music Video For the Song "Why Go?" by Faithless ft. Estelle (Music Video) Using Leftover Pasta Sauce to Make Shakshuka For Lunch the Next Day (Food Hack) Sam's Artifacts: Lady Gaga Muppet Christmas Special (Audio-Visual) The Feeling When A Guy You Think Is Straight Turns Out To Be Bi (Feeling) Season 3 Episode 7 of HBO's Girls When They Go To The Beach House (TV Episode) Follow George on Instagram and Twitter, follow Sam on Instagram and Twitter, and follow Straightiolab on Instagram and Twitter! Watch the video version of the episode Follow the show @keepingrecordspod Advertise on Keeping Records via Gumball.fm See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Things discussed: tortoises, sperm whales, elephant seals, octopi, persian cucumbers, regular cucumbers, gerkins, Lindsay Lohan in The Parent Trap. Things not discussed: why EJ is training his cat, and what techniques he is using to achieve his goals. And who better to discuss and not discuss these things with than professional discusser Paul F. Tompkins (Comedy Bang Bang!, Threedom, Mr. Show)??? Blessed to have him grace the Keeping Records studios with this hyper-specific list of space-bound mementos. Paul's Artifacts: The Sound Tortoises Make (Sound) A Beach Towel Being Laid Out at the Beach (Experience) The Sesame Street Alien Skit (Audio-visual) Church Giggles (Shared Experience) Follow Paul on Twitter and Instagram and buy tickets to his upcoming Varietopia show at the Elysian Theater! Watch the video version of the episode Follow the show @keepingrecordspod Advertise on Keeping Records via Gumball.fm See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Anya (who writes these episode descriptions, hello) finally gets a long awaited and much deserved apology from Shelby, in absentia. I guess I had to fly across the country to give Shelby the distance she needed to make amends. I've forgiven and I've forgotten. While I was away, Shelby and EJ decided the podcast is perfect (true) and that the funniest person in the world is Jon Gabrus (also true). He stopped by to talk about how super awkward it is to have a sleepover at someone else's house at a young age and how super awkward it is to take a poop at the airport. If you're one of our listeners located in Long Island who just got podcasts within the last 10 years, we welcome you to the show. Gabrus's Artifacts: Big Trouble in Little China (1986 Film) The Scene From Clueless Where Cher Comes Down The Stairs in a Calvin Klein Dress (1995 Film Scene/Gabrus's Sexual Awakening) Henry Cavill Fighting In a Bathroom in Mission: Impossible - Fallout (2018 Film Scene/Gabrus's Queer Sexual Awakening) The Unlicensed Ice Cream Salesmen on Long Island Beaches (People) Follow Gabrus on Twitter and Instagram and listen to him on his Headgum podcasts, High and Mighty & Corked! Watch the video version of the episode Follow the show @keepingrecordspod Advertise on Keeping Records via Gumball.fm See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

You know what feels nice? When a guest takes this assignment seriously for once. Many thanks to Bridger Winegar (Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, Black Monday, I Said No Gifts!) for putting his personal and professional life on hold for a month to prep for this episode, curating and revising a list of artifacts, and agonizing over making a good alien-first-impression to answer what will undoubtedly be their first question: what is gay? Bridger's Artifacts: Carol of the Bells (Audio) Wave Race 64 (Video Game) A photo of Bridger as a ballroom dancer (Visual) "Drop the Pilot" by Joan Armatrading (Audio) Follow Bridger on Twitter and Instagram. Watch the video version of the episode Follow the show @keepingrecordspod Advertise on Keeping Records via Gumball.fm See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This episode is for our sweet n earnest lil freaks ONLY. We mean it!!!! If you're not prepared to shed a tear as longtime podcaster/friend of the show/loving dad Chuck Bryant talks about his favorite episode of his kid's favorite TV show, you should probably turn back now!!!! (OK, now that it's just us sweethearts, we can tell you about the rest of the episode: Shelby comes up with a plan for getting lost in a crowd, EJ pulls out an obscure metaphor never uttered before by man or extra-terrestrial, and Chuck probably wonders why his illustrious podcast career brought him to this moment, watching two people do an improv scene with a bear for some reason.) Chuck's Artifacts Jaws (1975 Film) The Sleepytime episode of Bluey (Children's TV episode) This Queen performance of "Somebody to Love" live in Montreal (Audio-visual) Musicless Music Videos on Youtube (Audio-visual) The guy that fell off his bike in college and acted like he was reading a book (Memory) I Think You Should Leave (TV show) Follow Chuck's podcasts on Twitter and Instagram. Watch the video version of the episode Follow the show @keepingrecordspod Advertise on Keeping Records via Gumball.fm See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Welcome to the thunderdome: this week, it's hosts vs. producers as we battle for historical accuracy in the space where it matters most, the intro to this podcast. Sound off/take sides in the comments. Then, Nicole Byer (Why Won't You Date Me?, Nailed It!, Grand Crew) fits us into her busy schedule this week (she flies to London every morning to workout with her British trainer, Ben, which eats up a lot of time actually) to discuss alien buttholes and what notes she would have given Kim K on that video (yes, that video) if she were her mom/manager/momager. Nicole's Artifacts Dunkaroos and/or Dippin Dots (Food) Vodka soda (Cocktail) Strip Clubs (Business) Mushrooms (Psychedelic) Wigs (Accessory) Follow Nicole on Twitter and Instagram and listen to her Headgum podcast, Newcomers! Watch the video version of the episode Follow the show @keepingrecordspod Advertise on Keeping Records via Gumball.fm See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, welcome back. We have perhaps never meant it to more??? Keeping Records is all the way back, with the new EJ and the old Shelby and all that record-making you love or hate or agree with or disagree with or tolerate. And could we have asked for a better first guest back than comedian/writer/podcaster-to-the-stars Jamie Loftus? No we could not. Finally all together in the studio, the gang puzzled over some really important questions like: Should you get a pet snake? (No.) Should one have sex with their car? (Only if the car is cool/souped up.) Why is Australia scary but New Zealand not scary? (Unsure.) And other questions that are really worth considering!!! Jamie's Artifacts Jamie's mom's 30th birthday video (Audio-visual) Lemony Snickett Books (Book Series) The Jinx (2015 Documentary Series) The Volcano Couple (Historical Figures) Going to the bathroom right before or after doing something significant and looking in the mirror and being like remember this!!!! (Feeling) The Court Scene From I, Tonya (Film Scene) The Hot Dog episode of How It's Made (Audio-visual) Follow Jamie on Twitter and Instagram be sure to listen to Ghost Church wherever you get your podcasts! Watch the video version of the episode Follow the show @keepingrecordspod Advertise on Keeping Records via Gumball.fm See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

The moment you've all been waiting for... an episode long in the making.... the Keeping Records phone has been ringing off the hook.... audiences have been begging....... for Anya and Casey to step up to the mic. Also in this episode: all your favorite moments in Keeping Records history, according to you. Eat it up, lil freaks!!!!! And don't forget that we're BACK NEXT WEEK, August 26th, WITH A BRAND NEW EPISODE!!!!! Hallelujah. Follow the show @keepingrecordspod Advertise on Keeping Records via Gumball.fm See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

OK tiny freaks! This is our very last re-release before a very special episode next week (!) and an even more special (!!) episode the week after. So hang tight, stay tuned, don't touch that dial. We're almost back, baby. Actor, producer, and writer E.R. Fightmaster takes great issue with the premise of Keeping Records. And the issue is that the show shouldn't be about educating the aliens on humanity—it's about making the aliens feel how we feel. And that means the aliens need to feel perplexed by CrossFit, electrified by Temptation Island, inspired by the WNBA, and...I actually am not sure what they'll think about the oyster thing. But they're gonna feel something. E.R.'s Artifacts CrossFit (human behavior) Temptation Island (audio-visual) The WNBA "Wubble" Season (audio-visual) Books about cities (literature) Oysters (food) A text that says “I’m running five behind” when you are really 20 behind (human behavior) Follow E.R. and watch them on Shrill! Also listen to their music released as Twin! Instagram Twitter Music Follow the show @keepingrecordspod Advertise on Keeping Records via Gumball.fm See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Your burning questions????? Finally answered!!!! Smash that play button in to hear what we've been up to over at the KR HQ!!!! Watch the video version of the episode Follow the show @keepingrecordspod Advertise on Keeping Records via Gumball.fm See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

All right, settle in lil freaks, we're wheeling in the AV cart for a very special session of Keeping Records. Yes, that's right, we're gonna dim the lights and sit quietly in our chairs while Caleb and Shelby tell us about some of the artifacts that NASA sent (without our input weirdly) on the original Voyager Golden Record. We'll learn about things that seem funny to us but normal to people in other parts of the world, we'll learn about fetuses and how that all works more or less, we'll learn that the Immaculate Conception was really the Original Cuckolding. All in all, we'll learn. Together. While we eagerly wait for new episodes to drop. Soon. We promise. Be sure to watch the video version of the episode for a complete audio-visual experience and for two of the best wigs you'll ever see in your life. The Artifacts: Greeting: Cantonese Image: School Room Image: Fetus Diagram Image: Rush Hour Traffic Greeting: Portuguese Music: "Dark Was the Night," written and performed by Blind Willie Johnson Greeting: Nepali Follow the show @keepingrecordspod Advertise on Keeping Records via Gumball.fm See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Give us a minute, OK? Keeping Records is on a brief hiatus but you better believe it's coming back. Stay tuned for updates from their latest mission, dropping in your feeds soon. Comedian and podcaster Beth Stelling ordered some sandwiches...like...an hour ago. They're still not here yet but she's going to go ahead and get started telling Caleb and Shelby her plans for her Golden Record: people falling over and hurting themselves but like not reaaaally hurting themselves, her niece meeting a woodland creature, Ted Danson absolutely nailing it on—oh shit, someone's knocking, brb Beth's Artifacts Falling compilations (audio-visual) Niece meeting a bunny for the first time (audio-visual) Mr. Mayor (audio-visual) Photo of Beth and her mom in Hawaii after her mom retired from teaching (image) 6th grade home videos or her and her friends making music videos (audio-visual) Original Voyager Artifact Mountain Climber (Gaston Rébuffat) (image) Follow Beth and watch Girl Daddy on HBO Max. Follow the show @keepingrecordspod Advertise on Keeping Records via Gumball.fm See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey it's Caleb and Shelbo! Back with the long-awaited Golden Record from our main girl! Shelbo takes a while to find her camera but when she does, she FINALLY sets the record straight (in a gay way): we're taking a brief chhhiatus (a Jewish break), but we will be back with new episodes in a few weeks. So don't you dare hit that unsubscribe button, because we've got so much more Keeping Recordings for you. More news coming in this feed next week. To tide you over 'til then, Shelbo's artifacts: When Two People Meet at a Revolving Door at the Same Time and Push it together (Collaboration) The Last 24 hrs at Summer Camp (Traumatic Childhood Event) Rats On the Street vs Rats People Keep as Pets (Comparison) Hanging Out with a Friend's Parent in Their Kitchen (Experience) A New Nicki Minaj Verse Specifically for the Aliens (Audio) Driving Around with your Friends Listening to Music w/ No Real Destination (Muli-Sensory Experience) When the Cleveland Caveliers Won NBA Championship in 2016 (Sports History Moment) The OC (2003-2007 Television Show) Survivor (2000-Present Day Television Show) Group Date to a Movie Theater at Age 12 (Tween Experience) Shel Silverstein (Poet/Author) Watch the video version of the episode Follow the show @keepingrecordspod Advertise on Keeping Records via Gumball.fm See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Good morning America (or wherever you're listening from, hopefully from a different planet)! The long awaited Golden Record from our one and only Caleb Hearon is finally here. It's a bittersweet symphony as we go through a lot of feelings. Queue Vitamin C… and let us know… F/K Jason Segal and Vince Vaughn. Caleb's Artifacts The feeling of unrequited love, as expressed by "I Can Love You Better" by The Chicks (audio) They pushed me down and maced me Animaniacs (audio-visual) The blowjob scene with Brenda Song and Andrew Garfield in The Social Network" (audio-visual) The out-of-body feeling when you're having a special moment and you realize you will remember it forever (feeling) Lauryn Hill's album The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill (audio) Every single John Goodman performance (audio-visual) The Break-Up starring Jennifer Aniston & Vince Vaughn (2006 Film) "Money" by The Flying Lizards (audio) Watch the video version of the episode Follow the show @keepingrecordspod Advertise on Keeping Records via Gumball.fm See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

They're back from their meeting with NASA; seems like things went well. Now, Caleb's in New York, and Shelby's in LA. But the Zoom that connects them through the cosmos? That's Mommy, and Mommy is home. They play F/M/K with the Supreme Court (answers open to interpretation) and then open up the submission line to solicit additions/deletions for the Golden Record, and as usual you lil freaks did not disappoint. Covering a real wide breadth of the most pressing issues of our time, we have the following: Your Record Additions: "Never Again" by Kelly Clarkson (Audio)\ Soft pretzels dipped in cheese (Food) Finding out a coworker hates the same coworker as you (Feeling) Your Record Deletions: Fluorescent Lighting (Light source) Rolling Coal (Activity) Anya Making the Temperature Too Hot in the Studio (Producer Oversight) Charmin Bears (Product Mascot) Watch the video version of the episode Follow the show @keepingrecordspod Advertise on Keeping Records via Gumball.fm See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Well lil freaks, it finally happened. We got the call last week on the secure Headgum line (red phone) from Bill Nelson (head of NASA, reports to POTUS, first coined the phrase "Houston, we have a problem") and Caleb and Shelby are on their way to the John F. Kennedy Space Center for an important meeting and we are not cleared to give you any other info (strictly need-to-know basis at this time). Anyway, while that's all happening, we unearthed from the archives one of our all-time favorite episodes of the show, which we think in turn will one day be on the Golden Record itself. If this meeting goes well. Enjoy and see you next week. Comedian and writer Samantha Irby (Wow, No Thank You; Meaty; Shrill) creates a Golden Record full of artifacts that she hopes the aliens will find life-changing. She also expresses her thoughts on what she would do with Henry Cavill in inappropriate public settings. Sam's Artifacts Gone Girl, the book not the movie (literature) A live Tori Amos bootleg cassette (audio) Mission: Impossible - Fallout (audio-visual) Dlisted.com comment section from 2008 - (web archive) The burn of an excessively carbonated gas station fountain soda (multisensory experience) Original Voyager Artifact Navajo Night Chant (audio) "Do You Think...?" Listener Picks Lenny Kravitz accidental dick exposure (audio-visual) Plain rice with butter (food) "Like a G6" by Far East Movement (audio) Watch the video version of the episode Follow the show @keepingrecordspod Advertise on Keeping Records via Gumball.fm See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Shelby's back in studio (missed you, girl!); Caleb's finally on Raya (congrats, girl!); and EJ Marcus stops by the pod to kind of randomly make fun of producer Anya (who is actually writing this description but totally forgives you, girl!). After all, EJ is, by their own admission, Mean, Scary, Tall, and Intimidating. Mean, Scary, Tall, and Intimidating EJ brought along a near-perfect Golden Record that is at once practical and... dare we say... provocative? Listen in for arguably the best hour-and-change of your day. EJ's Artifacts: Art With Cats On It (Visual) Shoe Racks (Object) Sunglasses (Object) Thelma & Louise (1991 Film) Follow EJ on Tiktok, Twitter, and Instagram. Watch the video version of the episode Follow the show @keepingrecordspod Advertise on Keeping Records via Gumball.fm See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.