VERSUS with Malachi, John, and Drew

The sun is hot, the speed of light is a fixed constant, and VERSUS is funny. There are certain things in this universe that are immutable laws, which cannot be broken. If you're not a fan of this concept, hey, don't get mad at us, pal! Take it up with God! (The right one, you know which.) On this week's immutable force of nature: the team performs at Grovel-fest 2023, gets obscure with the clues, and has a scientific breakthrough that leads to one of our contestants' deaths! (Shocking!) VERSUS: Is This Thing Still On?™ Show notes and credits

Sailing through the ether like some ether on a rag to your nose—it's another episode of VERSUS and it's here to knock you unconscious! Taste sounds. See smells. Go ahead, feel a color or two. The contents of this here rag don't judge you or follow the rules of this universe, baby. On this week's trip to the dentist: round 1 explodes into a ball of flames, round 2 crashes into the fertile earth, and round 3 magically heals itself like some magic from a wizard's magic hand-stick thing. VERSUS: I Think I Lost My Glasses No Wait I Found Them Sorry Never Mind™ Show notes and credits

Switch that signal and gently caress that third rail, because VERSUS is back on the tracks and chugging into Grand Central Stupid. We can carry as many passengers as you can throw at us AND we've got a bar car. Every car is a bar car. There are no seats. Chaos reigns. On this week's crazy train: the fellas go on a road trip of iMaGiNAtiON, explore both sides of the same coin, and BBQ a ball of mystery meat. VERSUS: Huh?!?™ Show notes and credits

Well gaba my entire gool because here comes another episode of VERSUS crashing through the gates of the estate and charging for the guest house. It's running. It's jumping. It's dodging security. It's making a damn fool of itself if you ask me, but I was never one to judge too harshly. Fly my little baby podcast. Fly into the arms of the forever... On this week's unintelligible pile of muck-muck: FMK turns to FMNo-way, the boys finally start to make cents, and ultimately STRIP away the layers and experience a whittle self-awareness. VERSUS: Like a Hot Meal On a Cold, Wet Day™ Show notes and credits

Due to recent allegations against the podcast, we find it necessary to take a moment here and use this space to make it clear that the podcast VERSUS and everyone associated therewith DO NOT CONDONE arson of any kind. Even though burning stuff with fire seems like it would be really cool and fun, it is not a forbidden delight that any of us partake of, in, or thereupon. Arson is a crime, and we take crime very seriously. >:( On this week's serious crime of a podcast: the gang makes a few honey-do lists for their honeys, excuse themselves, and spin one another right round, baby right round, like a . . . well, you know the rest. VERSUS: We Have, the Laughs™ Show notes and credits

Hot diggity dog it's another scorcher of an episode of VERSUS coming down the meat pipe to satisfy your most carnivorous of fantasies—comedically speaking that is! For this week's overprocessed junk chunks in a bun: the fellas confront a riddle more dastardly than any sphinx dare devise, are supplied with the beginning and the end, and work their ways to woo a womance. VERSUS: All For One, and One For All™ Show notes and credits

"Hands up! Put your hands on the wall! Spread your legs! You got any VERSUS on you?! Huh?! Do ya scumbag? You look like the kinda trash that'd be filthy with VERSUS. Yeeeeeeah you're grinning from ear to ear and I can practically smell it on you. Get in the Cybertruck™ VERScum, you're going to Cyberprison™!!!" This is our future if we don't spread the good word of VERSUS far and wide. You don't want this on your hands, trust us. We went into the future and you told us you didn't want it on your hands. So do your future and current selves a favor and shout the VERScripture from the VERSmountaintops baby! On this week's dystopian hellscape: the boys get cartographic, fill up their glasses (but not too much), and pay their respects to a visible dead body. VERSUS: How Much You Want For That Rare, Beautiful Fruit?™ Show notes and credits

Did you know that nearly 40,000 Americans died in car crashes in 2020 alone? That's nuts. If you're texting and driving then cut that sh*t out. If you're reading this while you're driving then we're personally upset with you. Please be good out there, we care about your safety! Here is a description of this week's episode for you to read while you are NOT DRIVING A CAR: in act 1 the gang gets all tripped up in the tongue; in act 2 they unfix the quite fixable; and in act 3 they perfectly recreate the unique vibes of the Greatest City in the World through the magic of audio theater. VERSUS: Fall Into the Gap™ Show notes and credits

Whoever said three is company and four is a crowd must have been a friendless jerk, because the VERSUS gang has yet again been graced by a fourth angelic presence and it wasn't crowded at all! We were quite comfortable! This week, the fellas are joined by the inimitable Rory Scholl as they tumble through a tumbler of brain-challenging and mind-altering games such as: guessing whose favorite thing a thing is, producing a big-budget superhero flick, and performing illegal medical procedures of the mind!!! VERSUS: It's Like a Whodunit, but They All Whodidit!™ --- Check out more of Rory's stories! Whoa, Rory is a published author! Q.E.D. Astoria's Two-Prov Tournament coming up at the end of October '22! --- Show notes and credits

ADVENTURE! ROMANCE! POISONOUS PLANTS AND ANIMALS! The world is full of exciting stuff, and you better believe VERSUS counts itself among the ranks of excitingest. Most exciting. Phenomenal. Faaaaaaaaantastic! On this week's jolt of joy de vivre: the contestants grovel at the feet of the Game Master, are kind in the manner of Blockbuster, and behave like good little Catholics. VERSUS: It's a Thing, to Enjoy!™ Show notes and credits

Once again, the gang from VERSUS rises like the morning sun to cast light upon the dark, cold corners of the planet Earth—bringing warmth, contentment, and the very definition of beauty to the masses simply because they can. How do they achieve such celestial splendor by way of a stupid podcast where three dudes yell at each other? Well, partner, that there's a mystery I wouldn't care to solve even if I could. Let's just take a moment to bask in the glow while the glow's still here... On this the WOWEE DID HE SAY THIRTIETH?? episode of VERSUS: our contestants trade blows in a battle of short-term memory, improvise effortlessly off of one another like only two pros can, and pitch a product so good it could stop the heart of a Shark Tank Shark. VERSUS: I Love Ya, Honey, I Love Ya!™ Show notes and credits

Listen y'all: It's late, I've gotta go to bed, and I'm just plain out of juice. Can we pretend like I wrote something funny for the descriptive copy this week? Can we just envision a world in which I didn't entirely phone it in, and sat down to write something clever and worth your time? That would be super helpful for me. I promise to do better next week—for reals. Thanks, and I love you. On this week's spectacular carousel of wonders: the fellas guess numbers, create the greatest movie ever, and hear a soft little voice that probably isn't a result of a brain injury. VERSUS: It's What's For Dinner™ Show notes and credits

Awwwww lordy, it's happened again! Like snow tumbling down a mountain, VERSUS is picking up steam, gaining traction, and growing to a size so massive that it will easily destroy the small village at the end of its path. Nobody is safe, because this juggernaut of improvised comedy is about to crash through buildings with no regard for whether said building is the local orphanage, which the VERSUS snowball is currently headed straight for. On this week's natural disaster: the Therrible Three make loud noises that almost certainly interrupted the open mic happening above their recording studio, tempt the delicious fates, and visit the local gastrotisserie. VERSUS: Combat Sequence Initiated™ Show notes and credits

After a big old four-week stretch of the gams, the VERSUS gang is back from summer hiatus to bring you more unscripted comedy that the FDA has proudly labeled the first non-food/non-drug item deemed unfit for human consumption! This week, the sailors find their sea legs once again by disagreeing with one another, getting groovy with astrology, and experiencing a drive-by neighboring. VERSUS: Because It Feels Good, Dang It!™ Show notes and credits

You put the lime in the coconut? The whole thing? The ENTIRE lime? IN the coconut? I'm just not following man. Look, this all sounds incredibly groovy and I'm with you one-hundred percent, I just need to understand...IN the coconut? Speaking of confusing instructions, this week Game Master Drew made the fellas: apologize for their tardiness, speak the subtext, and relive the horrors of previous employment. VERSUS: You Can't Hold a Candle to It, Because You Have No Idea What That Means™ Show notes and credits

This week, we're gonna try something new. We're pivoting to salads. Starting off with a trio of classic Caesar, a nice watermelon/mint/feta salad for the summer, and one with like roasted squash and arugula or whatever, probably like some pepitas that sounds good. I dunno man, podcasting is hard, we're feeling like salads might be more interesting to people. Sound off in the comments if you agree. On this week's delicious mix: kind words, supercomputer-ly generated words, and words from THE FUTURE. VERSUS: If You Ain't Bleedin', You Ain't Wipin'™ Show notes and credits

Hilarious episode description TK Show notes and credits

As the boys from VERSUS ramp up for an epic summer vacation, their whole world falls apart when the local skating rink suffers a devastating rat infestation. The bills are piling up and the skating rink is on the brink...of bankruptcy! Will our heroes be able to save their precious summer hangout by launching a bikini-car-wash fundraiser? Not with these bodies! That's why they've recruited Eric "the Comedian Who Has Killed the Most Rats" Schmidt and his beloved Jack Russel terrier sidekick Bonewish to help dismember the rodents and also because everybody knows that dogs are a total chick magnet, bro. We are SO getting laid! (I know, I know, but just dream with us here, people.) On this week's feel-good summer blockbuster: the gang gets to know each other better, reenacts their favorite childhood sitcoms, and creates a nature documentary so good that it'll finally put that David Attenborough jerk in the ground WHERE HE BELONGS. VERSUS: Samantha-Rebecca Robinson Was Totally Just Checking You Out, Bro!™ CHECK OUT SCHMIDT'S SH*T Talking Schmidt Apple Podcasts / Spotify Twitter: @TalkingSchmidt Good For You Comedy Facebook Twitter: @GoodForYouNYC Show notes and credits

It's the year 2022. A human being sits hunched over a mechanical computer keyboard, feverishly typing. He's trying to keep his right knee extended. He asked too much of it when he rode his bike from Manhattan to Queens to record his podcast last weekend—it's healing fine, but slowly. He sighs deeply. He's not a young man anymore. He feels young of mind, spry of body, but he can feel the slow tendrils of time beginning to take hold, wrapping around the knee, harder to shake off. His computer screen reads: On this week's metatastic metacast, the gang from VERSUS is suspended indefinitely in time and space inside of a 21-minute, 11-second bubble of comedy in which they can be heard making alphabetic taxonomies, getting a lesson from Malachi about how to act in a real Hollywood audition, and ruling with an iron foot. VERSUS: It's VERSUS: It's VERSUS: It's VERSUS: It's VERSUS...™ Show notes and credits

Heaven is a house on a lake on a warm day where your only care in the world is looking after the ones you love. Unfortunately, in the real world, lakefront property is extremely expensive and our loved ones all left us because we kept putting "air quotes" around "everything." Thank the Deity for squatters' rights though, amiright? Just a few more months without the Feds finding me and I'm gonna squat my way into my own little slice of heaven... On the lam this week: the fellas draw a blank, are just the absolute worst, and hold out a thumb for the Acid Lord Kronos! VERSUS: One-Eyed, One-Horned, Flying Purple People Lovers (Call Me)™ Show notes and credits