Disagree better

Here's an exercise to help you identify your conflict hooks and increase emotional agility during difficult interactions. Find episode transcript here. Find part 1 here. How knowing your conflict hooks helps reduce conflict in your life. More about my book here and the free worksheet here. Subscribe to my monthly newsletter here.

One of the best ways to increase emotional agility in conflict is to recognize and manage your conflict hooks. Find episode transcript and links here. Subscribe to my monthly newsletter here.

What we do immediately after we express empathy helps or hinders the connection and alignment we’re trying to build. Find episode transcript and links here. Subscribe to my Substack newsletter here.

How to skip the drama and the rumination and raise a concern so they’ll actually listen. Find Tammy's episode transcript and links here and the printable cheat sheet here. Subscribe to my monthly Subtack newsletter here.

It’s tempting to tell people what they should do. It feels efficient, and it makes us feel helpful and wise. When we replace telling with asking, we can do something more powerful and, ultimately, more satisfying: Help people illuminate what’s important and generate effective solutions to problems. Find episode transcript and links here. Subscribe to my free monthly newsletter here.

My newsletter, Disagree Better, turns 25 this month. I’m marking the milestone with 25 ways to disagree better from a wide array of thinkers. Find episode transcript and links here. Subscribe to my monthly newsletter here.

One reason agreements and solutions fail is that they don’t sufficiently identify and address the root causes of the problem. Another is that they address behavioral elements of the conflict without also addressing systemic elements that drive the behavior. The Relationship Diagram is an excellent tool for overcoming both of these problem-solving hurdles. Relationship diagram demo (video)Episode transcriptFrame a solvable problem To automatically receive transcripts of new episodes, plus Tammy's newsletter, subscribe here.

Should our conflict partners have to earn or deserve our good graces for us to show them generosity of spirit when they’re acting badly? Here’s a way to disagree better even when we think we’re handling the encounter well and they’re not. Episode transcriptSeeing the equal human in front of usSusan Cain's website To automatically receive transcripts of new episodes, plus Tammy's newsletter, subscribe here.

Like a movie trailer, your Stuck Story is a montage of the most interesting moments in a conflict, with certain scenes magnified and others omitted. It’s not the story of the conflict; it’s your story of the conflict. It’s not helpful to keep repeating your Stuck Story, either to yourself or to others. Here’s why and how to stop the unintended rehearsals. Episode transcriptAbout neural pathwaysMy book, The Conflict Pivot To automatically receive transcripts of new episodes, plus Tammy's newsletter, subscribe here.

Stonewalling makes conflict conversations more difficult and can damage vital relationships. So what can you do if you want to talk out a problem, but the other person is stonewalling? Start by understanding how the present circumstances may be driving the behavior. Episode transcriptWhen they're not ready to talkHow to navigate the "not my problem" problemA question to help make sure you're solving the same problemThe "real issue" black holeInstead of labeling, describe the behavior To automatically receive transcripts of new episodes, plus Tammy's newsletter, subscribe here.

I'm on summer break and will be back with a new episode next month. In the meantime, enjoy this replay from the archives. Episode transcript To automatically receive transcripts of new episodes, plus Tammy's newsletter, subscribe here.

When someone is steadfastly committed to their position in an argument, the best we can do sometimes is create just a tiny bit of wiggle room in their thinking, enough to soften their position and give the conversation somewhere to go. Here’s one way to do it. Episode transcriptThe Knowledge Illusion by Steven Sloman and Philip Fernbach To automatically receive transcripts of new episodes, plus Tammy's newsletter, subscribe here.

It’s hard to stand in someone else’s shoes when we’re in the middle of a conflict with them, even when we know that understanding their perspective is important. Here’s a trick of the mind that makes perspective-taking easier. Episode transcriptThe Zen of Listening by Rebecca ShafirThe negative effects of trying to stand in their shoesMore on practicing in low-stakes situations To automatically receive transcripts of new episodes, plus Tammy's newsletter, subscribe here.

Conflict and suffering are bedfellows. When we’re trying to help others in conflict, whether as mediators, leaders, or family members, we can help them better if we can turn toward their suffering instead of withdrawing from it. Episode transcript An article about Epstein's and Black's work Small caring actions to ease suffering Every conflict contains a bid to be seen To automatically receive transcripts of new episodes, plus Tammy's newsletter, subscribe here.

Most of us sit down together to sort out tension and conflict. We meet over coffee, or gather at the conference table, or sit down for a family meeting. We might well benefit more from walking conflict resolution than sitting, and here’s the science to explain why. Episode transcript2014 Stanford University research2022 Max Planck Institute researchA long walk with two mediation clients To automatically receive transcripts of new episodes, plus Tammy's newsletter, subscribe here.

My conflict work used to center squarely on helping people have the conversations that resolve conflict. As my work has shifted over the last decade to being more about helping people approach conflict in ways that don’t require my presence to be successful, some of what I do is about shifting conflict-related habits. Here’s one approach that can be very powerful. Episode transcriptThe "as if" techniqueRuth Chang's method for making hard choicesAtomic Habits by James ClearMore on recurring small wins To automatically receive transcripts of new episodes, plus Tammy's newsletter, subscribe here.

When faced with a problem, we often ask ourselves or others, “What should we do?” It’s not a bad question at all, but research suggests a better question for prompting more creative solutions. Episode transcriptThe 2018 researchSource of the restaurant story To automatically receive transcripts of new episodes, plus Tammy's newsletter, subscribe here.

Sure, it’s good to pick your fights. Life is short, after all. But that doesn’t mean you should avoid the small fights as a matter of course. The small fights are the places you get better managing your own or others’ conflicts, preparing you for more difficult conversations. Episode transcriptThe problem with totalizingThe sample list of things to practice, along with information about each To automatically receive transcripts of new episodes, plus Tammy's newsletter, subscribe here.

When conflict kindles unwelcome emotions, we want relief. There’s a well-researched emotion regulation technique that reliably dampens the effect of unwelcome emotions, and all we need to remember is one simple question. Episode transcriptThe 2007 researchThe 2018 researchThe 2021 researchUsing writing to boost performance in pressure-filled situations To automatically receive transcripts of new episodes, plus Tammy's newsletter, subscribe here.

When we try to talk out a problem with someone, and conversation hasn’t yielded the results we hoped, we may find ourselves withdrawing from them. But as Nobel Peace Prize laureate Malala Yousafzai reminds us, there’s often a better choice. Episode transcriptThe conversation between Nobel Peace Prize laureate Malala Yousafzai and Dr. Laurie SantosMore on my grad students' assignment to have a difficult conversationShared everyday experiences for re-establishing the connection that conflict has splinteredBuy Tammy a coffee To automatically receive transcripts of new episodes, plus Tammy's newsletter, subscribe here.