Hallmark of Greatness

Welcome to a very very special episode of Hallmark of Greatness where we celebrate the upcoming wedding of James and Katie by watching the 2017 Masterpeice "Cronus" live and in my front room. The audio may be bad but the joy is real as we take you through the story of a man who loses his mind or does he? Joined by terrible audio guy Brother James we take you through the delights of white vinegar, abandoned airfields and the delights of GRANERY BAPS. If for some reason you want to watch along heres a link. you maniac https://youtu.be/bDnx2cBrSq4?si=alNC6Xz4kgfs6ouw

We got confused over the bank holiday weekend but we are back bringing you a slice of fried 80's gold with Star Slammer. The story of a woman sent to a spaceship prison for putting a mans hand in jam after he exploded a wizard and pinned it on her. There is all the usual nonsense you have come to expect as well as Non-Union Sandpeople, the worst canteen in the world, crotch truncheons ahoy and an ending nobody really understood. Get it in thine ears

Come join us in our St Patricks day special as we lead you by the hand through 2024s Irish Wish starring The Lohan and Jane Seymour. The simple tale of an unrequited love, a lakeside menace and one cool knee to the groin. We are joined by Monorants again who tell us everything we need to know about Irish fast travel , the saints that made us and mono pooing near a cliff. Sláinte

Its another sequel but its not intentional, the follow up to Bronx Warrior leads us down a filthy path of bad genocides, really familiar actors and obscene motorbike abuse. Come listen to the tail of Trash, that Joey Ramone looking guy as he fights the man, himself, his parents and several planks of wood.

Back on the sweet sweet Hallmark trail, this week we bring you the 2020 classic Nature of Love, the simple tale of a daft lass and rugged man. Plus so many Simpsons jokes its not even cool anymore. You will hear all about Kiss Chase the Camp Butler, A.I. bear attacks, horrible big salads, Welsh rapping and Mr Stevens the lake pike. This weeks synopsis machine is sponsored by Cheese.

We got a twofer in this episode with our first ever sequel and first ever returning guests, the lovely folks from Monorants as we take you through the Kevin Sorbo vehicle Tales of the Ancient Kingdom which is a sequel to The Sword and the Sorcerer. You will find out about overuse of flashbacks, cardboard cities, forbidden sexual practices, cloak pass the parcel, christmas decorations and rug based pratfalls.

The gangs all back together for our first Hallmark film of the year, the 2015 classic "Hello, It's Me". The simple story of a woman who's husband is lost at sea and still gets great cellphone reception. Also features annoying kids, the worst superhero ever and that fella that looks like a melted Steth Mcfarlane.

As a little break before we plough back into the fetid quagmire of our usual subject matter, we decided as per the tradition to have a small break and play James' Quiz of the Year which relies on us being able to remember things about the films we have reviewed this year. It goes about as well as you would expect really (that is, James tries his best and everyone else just mucks about like daft kids)

As a Christmas treat to ourselves we decided to cover a film that should be terrible but is surprisingly great with 2023s Its a Wonderful Knife. Its not just a terrible pun! We would also like to say thank you to everyone who has listened, shared or helped us out in any way this year. It's been tough but we made it to the end. We also know that Christmas is a rough time of year for a lot of people and so if you are feeling low or whatever just know that there are services out there that can help you, not just at this time of year but whenever you need them. Samaritans Open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year Call: 116 123 Papyrus Hopeline UK for children and young people under the age of 35 who are experiencing thoughts of suicide and anyone concerned that a young person could be thinking about suicide. Call: 0800 068 4141 Calm Open 5pm – Midnight every day Call: 0800 58 58 58 Shout Crisis Text Service A free confidential number you can text any time – day or night. Text SHOUT to 85258 to get text support Switchboard – LGBT+ Helpline Call: 0300 330 0630 Open 10:00 – 22:00 every day Or if none of that appeals and you just want to talk bollocks with some idiots, both ours and Marks twitter DMS and stuff will be open so get us on there. Have a Happy and safe Christmas you lovely lovely bastards

We are heading into Christmas season and with that in mind we bring you the 2013 classic "Mr Scrooge to See You" starring David Ruprecht as some kind of Scrooge who has to go into the future to stop Bob Cratchits offspring from being a Neo-Miser or something. Its very long and nothing happens for a lot of it. You'll hear all about Zammo's calculator, homeless teeth, terrible business sense, the worst santa in the world, EDM soundtracks, oil drum fires and James best Only Fools & Horses impression ever!

Look at this! An almost proper film. Some might say that we have lost our way somewhat but those people would be liars who deserve to be swung about by a Mahar captain. We are of course talking about the 1976 classic At the Earth's Core starring Doug "Doug" McClure and Peter "Whoopee" Cushing in a tale about blokes drilling erm.. to the earths core. There they meet strange pig faced men and strange rubbery beasts as well as ladies with not many clothes on! You will hear so many Simpsons jokes, the sounds of prehistoric monsters, Sexy Eggs, important field advice for drilling and James' favourite banner in a film so far!

As we wend our way deep into autumn (or fall if you are like that) we bring to you 2013s The Thanksgiving house, the simple story or a law lady who inherits a house with a mysterious secret. No not like murder or anything, a nice secret. You will hear all about correct knotweed removal, core samples, the worst post office ever, BLOGS!, so much steak and a nice story about a river.

Running headlong into the spookiest of weeks we present to you 2014's WolfCop which is as dumb as it sounds. The story of a Canadian cop who for reasons is turned into a werewolf and yeah, I don't know either. You'll hear all about donuts, bad druids, Marc Bolan, correct egg preparation and many other things in a film that should not be.

Robin Hood: Beyond Sherwood Forest We may have been away for a little while but we are back now, to take you through the most accurate Robin Hood film since that one with the snake voiced by Terry Thomas. and that had a talking snake. You'll hear all about poor arrow technique, the songs of Space Sting, James suffering from a malady and Mark defending his beloved hometown through the traditional jokes.

We are joined this week by a familiar voice to take you through the 2020 classic Palm Springs starring Jake Peralta and that angry guy from the Spiderman films. Yeah, we know its not a Hallmark film but we think we have earned this as a treat. As usual its the normal mix of time travel, confusion and wondering what is it that makes a name.

We are back dipping our toe into the world of '80s sword and sorcery this week with the classic Deathstalker. A film about a man who...stalks death? Not in a creepy 'stealing your underpants' type way but a scary stabbing way. You'll hear all about reusable wax heads, the perils of jogging, houses made of wigs, strange boy-men, how to walk about boobily and a concise history of UK shot putt legend Geoff Capes! Mark is walking 1 million steps over the next 3 months to raise money for Diabetes UK. We never ask you for money for the podcast but if you wanna donate some money to a charity then hit up https://step.diabetes.org.uk/fundraising/mark868 and make him suffer!

Its Joes birthday week and hes very very tired. So please enjoy this yeah?

This week we take you through the 2017 film Land Shark starring people who have never done acting before, a man who has never done special effects before and some of the best free music a scoundrel can steal. You'll hear all about correct shark maintenance, the infernal beep machine, hoovers and the best quiz you will ever hear about our terrifying aquatic friends.

The Higgens fam are back after illness, dogs and just a general sense of ennui to bring you the hottest film of 2021 starring Rhiannon Fish, the classic For the Love of Choclate. Imagine that other film we did a while back about bathbombs yeah. Its that but with chocolate. I don't kno what to tell you really. Sorry?

We finish our Half-Christmas special with the heart-warming classic Alone for Christmas or Bone Alone as its also known. The simple story of Home Alone but with talking dogs in it. None of them do a funky rap either which is a missed opportunity if you ask me. You will find out about, Toy Story Kart Racing, the most highbrow joke we've ever made, the most low broke joke we ever made, dog escape plans, Hollyoaks and our new found love for Jonathan Nation! Mark is walking 1 million steps over the next 3 months to raise money for Diabetes UK. We never ask you for money for the podcast but if you wanna donate some money to a charity then hit up https://step.diabetes.org.uk/fundraising/mark868