Beyond Bitchy: Mastering the Art of Boundaries

Hello, Beyond Bitchy listeners! It’s been a long time, and I’m thrilled to have something new to share with you. When I recorded the previous episode of Beyond Bitchy in 2021, I knew two things: it was time to wrap up the show, and there’s always more to say about boundaries. Then, in 2023, I received an unsolicited offer I couldn’t refuse. Now, the results of that offer are coming to fruition. Curious to learn what the offer was, and how it can help you improve your boundaries? Come check out my brand new podcast, where you’ll not only keep learning about boundaries, but also find out about the offer I mentioned and what it means for you. - Victoria Priya (formerly Vicki Tidwell Palmer) Biggest Takeaways From Episode #144: You’re never too old to improve your boundaries, and no one will ever know everything there is to know about boundaries. Victoria’s new boundaries podcast, The Boundaries Queen Podcast, has just launched! Find it wherever you listen to podcasts. Tune into The Boundaries Queen Podcast to learn about the unsolicited offer that Victoria received, and how the result can help you level up your boundaries work. Links and Resources: The Boundaries Queen Podcast Victoria Priya Listen and Follow on Apple Podcasts Listen and Follow on Spotify

Last week, I talked about the first two of the four essentials for mastering boundaries: “Who’s Got the Power?” and “Stinkin’ Thinkin’.” (If these don’t sound familiar, I recommend going back to listen to Episode 142.) This week, I’ll cover the third and fourth essentials: “Live and Let Live,” and “Change (So That I Can Feel Better).” But before we begin, I want to share a big announcement: this will be the final episode of the Beyond Bitchy podcast. This has been a productive and fulfilling season of my life, but it’s time to bring it to a close and let the next season begin. If you want to keep up with what I’m doing next, please visit and subscribe to my Radiant Threefold Path Blog or follow me on Facebook, Instagram or YouTube. Thank you for being part of this podcast journey! Biggest Takeaways From Episode #143: Others have a right to live the way they want, just as you have a right to live your life in the way you want. If you don’t like someone else’s choices, your power is in how you choose to respond. The fourth essential probably addresses most of the problems you have with boundaries. If you want someone to change to make you feel better, you’re in one of the biggest pitfalls of creating effective boundaries.When you find yourself wanting someone to change, go back to essential #1: “Who’s Got the Power?” In short, you can take action around protecting yourself, or make a request of the other person.The biggest challenge you will probably face is the practice of returning to you, staying with your reality, and knowing what you want. Highlights from Episode #143: Welcome to episode #143! Vicki quickly recaps the first two essentials for mastering boundaries, which she discussed in detail in the previous episode. [00:39]The third of Vicki’s four essentials is “Live and Let Live.” She talks about this in more depth, explaining what is (and isn’t) under your control. [04:56]Vicki shares an example of “Live and Let Live.” [08:17]How somebody dresses is another example of the third essential point. [11:27]The fourth essential encompasses most problems you likely have with boundaries. [12:50]Vicki digs into what the problem is with believing that someone should change to make you feel better. [15:40]What should you do when you find yourself wanting someone to change? Vicki answers, then recaps the four essentials that she has covered. [17:58]Vicki gives an example to illustrate the difference between what you could record and what you made up. [20:14] Vicki makes a big announcement about the podcast: this will be the final episode. [24:24]Are you wondering what to do about your future boundaries challenges? Vicki promises that the answer is somewhere in the previous episodes of the podcast. She then invites you to sit down with a 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier, do the quiet inner work to discover your reality, your vision, where your power lies, and what action to take. [29:11] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell PalmerVicki Tidwell Palmer on FacebookMoving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer5-Step Boundary Solution ClarifierVicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram Beyond Bitchy on SpotifyThe Radiant Threefold PathThe Radiant Threefold Path Blog Vicki Tidwell Palmer on YouTube Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 142: 4 Essentials for Mastering Boundaries (Part I)Carolyn Myss

I’m lucky enough to have been able to give myself the gift of a 27-day sabbatical, which gave me so much clarity into both my personal and professional life. And now that I’m back, I’m inspired to offer some insight about the four common challenges I see across all sorts of boundary questions in various situations. I’ll cover the first two challenges today, and the third and fourth next week. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #142: Even if it’s only a few minutes a day, please carve out a few minutes a day for yourself. It’s important to give yourself the gift of time even if your life is incredibly full and busy.Most questions about boundaries, regardless of the specific details, center around four specific challenges: Who’s Got the Power?Stinkin’ Thinkin’Live and Let LiveChange, So That I Can Feel BetterThere are essentially two kinds of power: “Power Over” and “Authentic Personal Power.” The first type is based in control and fear; we all need to strive for the second type.Stinkin’ Thinkin’ is thinking that’s distorted. You may think that how someone treats you determines how you treat them, or that you need to be on the same page and think the same way as other people. Highlights from Episode #142: Vicki welcomes listeners to the episode and talks about the value of carving out some time for yourself. [00:39]The nextBoundaries Clarifier Workshopwill take place on July 27, 2021. [04:10]After receiving hundreds of questions, Vicki has noticed that the majority center around four specific challenges. She will cover the first two today. [05:26]Vicki talks about the first of the four challenges: Who’s Got the Power? [10:58]We hear a list of qualities that describe acting from a place of authentic personal power. She also talks about the difference between personal power and ultimatums. [15:25]What does it look like when you think you don’t have power? [20:43]Vicki moves on to talking about the second challenge: Stinkin’ Thinkin’. [26:12]Being unconscious of what’s going on with us is another kind of distorted thinking. Vicki shares an example from her own life. [31:53]Vicki explains why Stinkin’ Thinkin’ is such a problem. [36:48] Links and Resources: Vicki’s monthly Boundaries Clarifier WorkshopsVicki Tidwell PalmerVicki Tidwell Palmer on FacebookMoving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer5-Step Boundary Solution ClarifierVicki Tidwell Palmer on InstagramThe Radiant Threefold Path Beyond Bitchy on SpotifyPia Mellody

People have a lot of misconceptions about boundaries. You may hear people say that boundaries are harsh, rigid, a punishment, or even selfish. Some people even believe that sharing boundaries is a way to control others or tell them what to do. Recently, I’ve heard another misconception: setting a boundary with someone is a sign that you disapprove of them. Tune in to learn why this isn’t the case, and how your boundaries are all about you. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #141: Whether you disapprove of someone isn’t the focus or the issue when you set a boundary. To focus on approval or disapproval is a deflection away from your limits.If someone’s first reaction to your choice to set a boundary is to accuse you of disapproving of them, they are simply expressing their opinion, and the may be acting without accountability.Your limits are about you and you alone. Boundaries are a form of self-care. They’re about taking care of yourself, not disapproving of someone else. Highlights from Episode #141: Welcome to the episode! Vicki chats about the reasons she started this podcast. [00:39]We hear about some common misconceptions about boundaries. [02:15]Vicki adds a new misconception to the list: if you set a boundary with another person, it means that you don’t approve of them. [05:57]Does setting a boundary mean that you disapprove of someone or their behavior? [09:40]Vicki talks about boundaries as a form of self-care, and explains with an example. [11:35]If you set a limit and someone calls you rigid, harsh, or disapproving, they’re changing the subject from you to them. [14:52]Remember that your boundaries are about you and your self-care! [17:06] Links and Resources: Vicki’s monthly Boundaries Clarifier WorkshopsVicki Tidwell PalmerVicki Tidwell Palmer on FacebookMoving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer5-Step Boundary Solution ClarifierVicki Tidwell Palmer on InstagramThe Radiant Threefold Path Beyond Bitchy on Spotify

Lately, have you noticed a sense of collective exhaustion, sadness, and impatience? Right now, it may feel like there’s not a lot to celebrate. This is especially true with the holidays coming up, since they're going to look much different than usual this year. With everything going on, you might feel like you want to quit, because what’s the point? If this resonates with you, it may be time for you to take a rest. Tune in to learn what this may look like for you. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #113: At this time, it’s normal to feel exhausted or depleted. When you feel like quitting something that has brought you joy or will bring you joy in the future, take the time to find ways to rest rather than quit.Quitting may look like anything from not putting up a tree or holiday decorations this year, dropping out of school, or leaving a relationship. What’s causing you to want to quit? That may be the thing that you need to take a rest from. This may be watching the news—or even spending too much time thinking about things that put you in a state of fear.It can be valuable to let yourself consider quitting, or envision what quitting would look like, because this may help point you to how you can rest instead of quit. Highlights from Episode #113: Vicki welcomes listeners to the show and introduces today’s topic, which was inspired by a workshop she attended last week. She then offers some valuable advice about Zoom meetings. [00:39]We hear about Vicki’s sense of witnessing collective exhaustion and impatience, and how that relates to this episode. [05:45]Vicki offers some examples of what it looks like to rest rather than quit, ranging from quitting school to leaving a relationship. [10:55]We often keep relationships going in our minds even after they’re over. Vicki gives a recommendation about getting in alignment with what you truly want. [19:12]The most tragic example of choosing quitting over resting is the decision to take one’s own life. If you’re feeling this way, please find someone to talk to right now. At a minimum, figure out how to take a rest to see if there’s another option for you. [22:49]Vicki shares some final words of advice on why it’s so important to find ways to rest. [27:40] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell PalmerVicki Tidwell Palmer on FacebookMoving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer5-Step Boundary Solution ClarifierVicki Tidwell Palmer on InstagramThe Radiant Threefold Path Beyond Bitchy on SpotifyByron Katie’s The Work

At some point, all of us will have experiences that require us to focus our attention on ourselves in an intense way. For example, an advanced cancer diagnosis, an accident, or shocking news may require you to go into extreme self-care. This is the kind of self-care I’ve been practicing for the last several weeks, and why there was a gap between Episode #49 and #50. I’m so glad to be back! Biggest Takeaways From Episode #50: At certain points in our lives, each of us needs to go into what Vicki calls “emotional ICU.” This, she explains, is why there has been a gap between the last episode and this one — she has been in her own emotional ICU.If you tend to put others ahead of yourself and give too much, you might struggle with practicing extreme self-care when you need to.Here are some ideas for extreme self-care: delegate daily tasks that you usually do yourself (like cooking), temporarily neglect things that simply aren’t that important, set up an auto reply for your email, or take a step back from your online presence.When you want to support and help others, you need to be coming from a place of fullness and abundance. The world needs you to take care of yourself so that you can give back to the world. Highlights from Episode #50: Welcome back to the Beyond Bitchy Podcast! Vicki acknowledges the gap between the last episode and this one. [00:39]Vicki digs deeper into why she has been absent, and relates her explanation to previous points about boundaries. [02:51]Let’s talk about extreme self-care, with examples of what it looks like. [07:54]Why should we embrace the fact that it’s okay to practice extreme self-care? [11:23]Vicki shares something she has learned over the past few months: how hard it is to ask for help when you need it. [14:37]We hear some specific examples of extreme self-care. [19:01]Vicki loves drinking a variety of teas from all over the world, and talks about how she used the experience of having a cup of tea as a form of self-nurturing during her recent emotional ICU period. [24:20]We learn about how extreme self-care relates to boundaries. [26:09]Vicki gives listeners a homework assignment related to self-care. [29:14] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell PalmerMoving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 23: TMI, and Other Problems When Sharing Personal Information

Today’s episode is all about rest, rejuvenation, and boundaries, which absolutely relate to one another! I’ll explain why rest is so important and why it’s so difficult to unplug in our uber-connected, device saturated world. I’ll also give you some tips on how to truly rest and enter into states of being rather than doing, and why rest is crucial for health, creativity, and even productivity. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #31: To create spaces of time off—whether for a few hours or a few weeks—you must to create limits on multiple levels.We all need sleep, time away from work, and time away from devices and media. However, the mind feeds on being perpetually occupied and fixating on problems., Technology, social media, and devices make it difficult to exercise the discipline to unplug and rest.Rest, in all of its forms, is an important part of self-care. It’s also important for our creativity, and productivity, as well as connection with others and intimacy.When you decide to unplug and rest, ideally you should define how long you’re going to rest and be mindful of technology that keeps you distracted or tempts you away from rest and rejuvenation. Highlights from Episode #31: Vicki explains why there wasn’t a new episode last week, talks about what she’s doing in California, and explains what this episode is all about. [01:31]What do unplugging and rest have to do with boundaries? [03:03]We learn what Vicki means by “rest,” and learn a nature metaphor for resting. [05:26]Vicki shares more dangers of not getting enough rest in our hyper-connected world. [11:02]We hear some ways to unplug, truly rest, and enter into being rather than doing. [13:14]Vicki invites listeners to think about at least one area where they can create more space for rest. [18:46] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell PalmerMoving Beyond Betrayalby Vicki Tidwell Palmer5-Step Boundary Solution ClarifierBeyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 16: You, Technology & Boundaries

Are you ready to trade your triangles for straight lines? Don’t worry, you’re not back in geometry class; this is actually related to the talking boundary. Triangulation is something that we do all the time, but we should all work toward straightening out those lines and practicing direct communication whenever possible. (There are a few notable exceptions, which I’ll also address in this episode.) Biggest Takeaways From Episode #137: Triangulation describes a common but harmful form of communication. To understand it, think of a triangle pointing upward. Person A is at the point on top. Person B and Person C are at the other two points of the triangle. Triangulation happens when Person A goes to Person B to talk about (or try to get information to or from) Person C.The problem with triangulation is that it’s an indirect, ineffective, and often manipulative form of communication. The solution is to avoid triangulation. You can do this by removing your side of the triangle, creating a straight line directly between the two people who want to communicate. Highlights from Episode #137: Vicki welcomes listeners, and shares what she’ll be talking about today. [00:39]What is triangulation? Vicki offers an explanation to clarify the possibly unfamiliar term. [01:56]We hear some examples of how triangulation commonly happens. [06:51]The problem with triangulation is that it’s indirect and ineffective, Vicki explains. It’s also often manipulative. [11:22]What’s the solution for this communication triangulation? [12:40]Vicki shares some examples of how you can avoid triangulation, even if it’s something you’ve participated in previously. [14:55]Practicing the tools that Vicki has recommended helps to keep communication clean and direct. [19:03]Vicki recaps what she has talked about in today’s episode. [22:33] Links and Resources: Vicki’s monthly Boundaries Clarifier WorkshopsVicki Tidwell PalmerVicki Tidwell Palmer on FacebookMoving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer5-Step Boundary Solution ClarifierVicki Tidwell Palmer on InstagramThe Radiant Threefold Path Beyond Bitchy on Spotify

People in your life may be facing a variety of dangers, from mental health issues or suicidal urges to addiction or unsafe behavior. But today, I’ll focus on a specific type of danger: physically or sexually abusive relationships. It’s painful to know (or suspect) that a loved one is in a relationship like this, but it’s also tough to know what to do. I’ll give you some specific advice on how to proceed—and what to avoid doing. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #136: Here are some things to do when your loved one is in an abusive relationship:Express concern and your willingness to help.Give them a way to alert you that you need to call the police or help them get out of the situation.Call the police if you know or have very good reason to believe that your loved one is in danger. Don’t hesitate; just do it!Send your loved one healing energy, thoughts, and/or prayers.Ask yourself whether what you’re planning to do might put this person in danger.There are also some things you shouldavoiddoing in these circumstances:Don’t communicate in writing about their relationship or safety issues (unless it’s a time-sensitive emergency).Don’t suggest that the person in an abusive relationship should go to couple’s therapy.Don’t confront or agitate the abuser.Don’t judge your loved one who is being abused.Be aware that the most dangerous time for an abused person is right after they leave their abuser. The abused person should go to a domestic violence shelter (rather than a loved one’s house) when they leave, because the shelter will have resources to help. Highlights from Episode #136: Welcome to episode 136! Let’s talk about what to do in terms of your boundaries when someone you love is in a specific kind of danger. [00:39]Vicki starts things off by sharing some statistics from theNational Coalition Against Domestic Violence. [04:47]What are some things you shouldnotdo when you’re dealing with someone facing domestic violence? [07:20]Vicki talks about the most dangerous time for someone leaving an abusive relationship. [12:42]We learn some things that you can or should do in this type of situation. [15:24]Vicki shares a resource: theNational Domestic Violence Hotline. You can call or text them at (800) 799-7233. [21:35]What if someone you love doesn’t want to talk about it? [22:35] Links and Resources: Vicki’s monthly Boundaries Clarifier WorkshopsVicki Tidwell PalmerVicki Tidwell Palmer on FacebookMoving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer5-Step Boundary Solution ClarifierVicki Tidwell Palmer on InstagramThe Radiant Threefold Path Beyond Bitchy on SpotifyNational Coalition Against Domestic ViolenceThe National Domestic Violence Hotline- or call or text them at (800) 799-7233

Before we start, I’d like to offer you a quick apology! You may not have been able to find the earliest episodes of the show because of a mistake in the podcast settings on the back end. That’s fixed now, and you should be able to access all of the episodes again. And now, onto today’s subject! If you have an ex, especially if you’re co-parenting with them, I’m guessing you’ve had a problem with your ex misbehaving. So what do you do? Tune in to find out! Biggest Takeaways From Episode #135: Co-parenting children with an ex is always a challenge, but it’s harder when your ex has issues or misbehaves. Unfortunately, there’s not a lot that we can do about other people’s behavior.If your ex is doing unsafe things with your children (such as abuse or drunk driving), you will need to intervene in some way. These issues of safety are in a separate category from other misbehavior from your ex.Some things I recommend against doing include: Bad-mouthing your ex to your childrenTrying to control anything about your ex that’s outside of your controlTelling yourself that your children can’t see what you see about your exPutting your children in the middle Highlights from Episode #135: Vicki welcomes listeners back to the podcast, and makes a quick announcement. She then uses the inconvenience in question as a teaching moment. [00:39]We move to today’s topic: exes who don’t behave. Vicki offers some examples of ways that an ex can be distressing as a co-parent. [05:09]Sometimes an ex might subject children to unsafe things, such as physical or sexual abuse or drunk driving. [10:53]Vicki shares some things that she recommends that younotdo. [13:07]Don’t assume that your children don’t see what you see about your ex-spouse, or put them in the middle. [17:16]Are there different boundaries rules with your ex than with other people in your life? [22:08]For everything outside of safety issues, you have no control over how your ex parents. Vicki offers some tips on how you can feel better about this situation. [26:48]Things you can do in this situation include sending healing and positive wishes to your children—and even your ex, if you can without forcing it. [31:17] Links and Resources: Vicki’s monthly Boundaries Clarifier WorkshopsVicki Tidwell PalmerVicki Tidwell Palmer on FacebookMoving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer5-Step Boundary Solution ClarifierVicki Tidwell Palmer on InstagramThe Radiant Threefold Path Beyond Bitchy on Spotify

Are you ready for the third part of my series on the talking boundary? This one is all about a specific process from the work of Pia Mellody: the Talking Format. This strategy is a roadmap around how to share information with another person, and is ideal for challenging conversations. If you’ve ever found yourself struggling with how to express yourself effectively in a difficult interpersonal situation, don’t miss this episode! Biggest Takeaways From Episode #134: The Talking Format consists of three parts:Tell the other person about the data you observed to give a concrete example of the issue you’re raising.Explain what you thought, perceived, or made up based on the data.Share the emotions that you feel around the situation.When you’re using the Talking Format, make sure you have enough physical space to say what you want to say. Pay attention to what your body is telling you.The purpose of sharing is to be known and foster intimacy, not to blame, shame, control, criticize, or manipulate. If you become aware that your intention is to control or manipulate, you’re not yet ready to have the conversation. Highlights from Episode #134: Welcome to the third and final part of Vicki’s series on the talking boundary! Check out the last two episodes if you haven’t yet heard part oneone and part two of the series. [00:39]What is the Talking Format? Vicki shares the three basic steps. [03:45]Vicki offers an example to help illustrate how to use the technique she’s sharing today. [08:34]We learn more about how to use the Talking Format as part of the talking boundary. [12:22]When you’re sharing, remind yourself that you’re not blaming the other person. [15:39]You can approach a solution by expressing how you would prefer things to be. Vicki talks about how this might work in her example. [20:57]Vicki shares one last point about the Talking Format: it’s an actionable way to use the first step of the5-Step Boundary Solution. [26:46] Links and Resources: Vicki’s monthly Boundaries Clarifier WorkshopsThe Talking FormatVicki Tidwell PalmerVicki Tidwell Palmer on FacebookMoving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer5-Step Boundary Solution ClarifierVicki Tidwell Palmer on InstagramThe Radiant Threefold Path Beyond Bitchy on Spotify Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #132 – She Said What?! Part I of A Deeper Dive Into the Talking Boundary Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #133 – Speaking to Be Heard (Part 2 of a Deeper Dive Into the Talking Boundary) Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #1 – Boundaries: What They Are and Why They’re So Misunderstood(start here and work your way forward for the foundations of this podcast!)Pia Mellody

If you haven’t heard last week’s episode yet, I recommend listening to that one too if you’re interested in this exploration of the talking boundary. In that episode, I covered what the talking boundary is, and what talking boundary violations look like. This time, I’ll move into what it looks like when you have a healthy, effective talking boundary. I’ll also share some questions to ask yourself to help ensure your talking boundary is in great shape. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #133: The first way to use a healthy talking boundary is to say what you would like or what you want, instead of saying what the other person did that you didn’t like.Another important way to use your talking boundary in a healthy way is to lead with agreement. Mastering your listening boundary will also help you develop a strong, healthy talking boundary.Here are some questions to ask yourself when you’re using the talking boundary: Is the other person in a position to really hear me and take in what I’m saying?What response do I expect to get from this person?Do I need to speak my truth regardless of the response?Can I express what I want to say in a way that’s completely about me?Would it be better if I waited for 24 hours to say what I want to say? Highlights from Episode #133: Did you catch last week’s episode? This one continues the exploration of the talking boundary that Vicki started then. [00:39]Vicki shares some thoughts on the questionbehindthe question, “Are talking boundary violations verbal abuse?” [04:09]We learn the first way to use a healthy talking boundary, with Vicki offering an example from her own life. [07:27]Vicki offers some general questions to ask yourself before you speak. [13:07]It’s important to think of what your intention is before you express yourself, Vicki points out. [23:47]Leading with agreement is the second way to use a healthy talking boundary. [26:36]We learn about how one-word responses (or even silence) can work. [29:24]Vicki explains that mastering the listening boundary is the best way to strengthen your talking boundary. [32:15] Links and Resources: Vicki’s monthly Boundaries Clarifier WorkshopsVicki Tidwell PalmerVicki Tidwell Palmer on FacebookMoving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer5-Step Boundary Solution ClarifierVicki Tidwell Palmer on InstagramThe Radiant Threefold Path Beyond Bitchy on Spotify Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #37 – The Listening Boundary Part I Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #39 – The Listening Boundary Part 2: How It Works Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #40 – The Listening Boundary Part 3: High Quality Listening = Higher Quality Responses Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #132 – She Said What?! Part I of A Deeper Dive Into the Talking Boundary

By special request, I’m doing a deeper dive into the talking boundary. I’ve mentioned this boundary in 25 episodes, but I’ve never gone into the level of depth that it deserves. When your talking boundary is functioning well, you express yourself in a healthy, relational way while sharing your authentic reality. You may be surprised by some examples of what talking boundary violations look like, so tune in to learn all about this important topic! Biggest Takeaways From Episode #132: The talking boundary is the mindful, healthy filter between your thoughts and your words. At the extremes, a person has no filter and they say whatever comes to mind—or they don’t share anything. We’re aiming for somewhere in the middle.“Unbridled self-expression,” asTerry Realcalls it, is not an example of a functional talking boundary. Neither is erring on the side of being only nice or pleasant with your words, regardless of your true feelings.When we get activated or triggered, we can lose the filter between our thoughts and words, and start reacting instead of responding. Highlights from Episode #132: Vicki explains the inspiration for this episode, and reveals that she’ll start by talking about the violations that fall under the talking boundary. [00:39]What is the talking boundary? [03:55]We learn about the healthy middle for the talking boundary. [07:17]Vicki digs into what the talking boundary isnot, including why the idea that “if you don’t have anything nice to say, you shouldn’t say anything at all” can be problematic. [11:27]If someone doesn’t receive your words the way you intended, sometimes an outside opinion can be helpful. [16:10]Why is the talking boundary so challenging and complex? [18:03]Vicki shares many examples of talking boundary violations, including teasing another person and the silent treatment, among others. [20:44]Did this episode resonate with you, or remind you of yourself (or someone else)? If so, keep in mind that this is a challenging boundary. [34:27] Links and Resources: Vicki’s monthly boundaries clarifier workshopsVicki Tidwell PalmerVicki Tidwell Palmer on FacebookMoving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer5-Step Boundary Solution ClarifierVicki Tidwell Palmer on InstagramThe Radiant Threefold Path Beyond Bitchy on SpotifyPia Mellody Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #2 – What Good Boundaries Can Do For You + The 5 Types and 2 Functions of BoundariesTerry Real

Right now, in the United States, trauma is speaking. Prejudice and racism wounds, and are potentially traumatizing to anyone who experiences them. But listening to another person’s trauma is a challenging thing to do, especially if we perceive that we may have played a part in their experience — even when remaining silent or looking away. Let’s talk about how to listen when trauma speaks. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #93: The listening boundary is the most challenging boundary for most of us. When we feel at fault or like we’re being blamed for trauma, it takes the listening boundary to a whole new level. Prejudice and racism are spread very much like the coronavirus; people who appear not to be infected can infect quite a few people, and the results can be deadly.What has happened since Mr. Floyd’s death is the result of centuries of oppression, discrimination, and systemic, institutionalized racism.Notice any urges you have to defend, explain, or make the other person feel better. This is usually a sign that you’ve strayed into defensiveness. Highlights from Episode #93: Vicki makes a clarification, then introduces today’s episode on how to listen when trauma speaks. [00:39]We hear Vicki’s thoughts on the use of the words “white” and “Black” to describe people. She then shares some of her own journey. [04:19]Despite having intentionally and actively worked against it, Vicki still counts herself as a product of the racial conditioning that she received as a child. [11:17]Vicki shares a jaw-dropping story about unaware racism. [18:03]Discomfort can make it difficult to listen when trauma speaks. [22:36]What’s the solution? How do we listen to another person’s trauma? Vicki offers some tips and advice, and emphasizes the importance of listening. [30:01]Vicki offers some observations about the way that white people try to make things better, but end up making them worse. [34:43]White people will never know what it feels like to be a person of color. Vicki invites white listeners to have curiosity, embrace humility, and to try to stay open to the reality that others may have very different life circumstances and experiences. [39:12] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell PalmerMoving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer5-Step Boundary Solution ClarifierVicki Tidwell Palmer on InstagramKenneth and Mamie Clark's Doll Experiments Jane Elliott (Blue Eyes & Brown Eyes Exercise) Toni MorrisonMaya AngelouJ. California CooperAngela DavisAlice WalkerZora Neale HurstonLeon WatersCenter for the Healing of Racism

We’ve all been there: you say “yes” to a request or accept an invitation, then realize that it just doesn’t work for you. But are you allowed to change your mind even if you’ve already said yes? As counterintuitive as it might feel, the short answer is that you always have the right to change your mind. And if you think your situation is an exception to that rule, then this episode is for you! Biggest Takeaways From Episode #130: You always have a right to change your mind, no matter what. This may not always be easy to do, but you have a right to do so every single time.If you’ve agreed to a request and now regret your answer and want to change it, you’re free to say something like, “I need to let you know that the agreement that I made with you no longer works for me.”When you’re renegotiating an agreement or changing a “yes” to a “no,” avoid accusations, judgments, or language like “that’s ridiculous.” This isn’t helpful and won’t bring you more connection. Highlights from Episode #130: Welcome to the show! Vicki shares a big milestone for the podcast, and talks about the nextBoundaries Clarifier Workshop, which is coming up on April 27th. [00:39]We hear about the topic of today’s episode, which was inspired by a listener’s question. [02:23]Do you have the right to change your mind if you’ve already said yes to something? [07:23]Vicki reviews what it means to make a request, and relates this to the listener’s question. [09:31]We learn why “I felt like I had no choice” is technically an inaccurate statement, and why that’s so important. [13:19]What do you do when you’ve agreed to do something and regret your choice? [16:06]After you say that you can no longer do what you agreed to, stop talking. [20:28]Vicki discusses what to do if the person you’re talking to tries to change the subject when you tell them that you’ve changed your mind. [23:59] Links and Resources: Vicki’s monthly Boundaries Clarifier WorkshopsVicki Tidwell PalmerVicki Tidwell Palmer on FacebookMoving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer5-Step Boundary Solution ClarifierVicki Tidwell Palmer on InstagramThe Radiant Threefold Path Beyond Bitchy on Spotify Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #24 – The Politician (No, Not That One)

If you’ve ever encountered someone whose sexual energy seems like it’s just spilling out all around them, you already have an idea of what “leaky sexual energy” is. While it can be hard to pinpoint or define (and isn’t based simply on what clothes someone is wearing), you’ll generally be able to sense it when someone has leaky sexual energy. Tune in to learn more! Biggest Takeaways From Episode #129: Boundaries have two functions: protecting yourself (and/or other people), and defining yourself physically, sexually, intellectually, and emotionally. In other words, the way a person presents themselves physically is an example of their boundaries.If a person has leaky sexual energy, they aren’t managing or "containing" their sexual energy in a healthy way.Keep in mind that your perception of someone else’s sexual energy is exactly that: your perception. As with any other thought or perception, I invite you to be curious about it. Highlights from Episode #129: Vicki welcomes listeners to this episode, in which she’ll talk about leaky sexual energy. To start off, she defines the two functions of boundaries. [00:39]We learn what Vicki means when she says that the way someone presents themselves is an example of their boundaries. [04:18]“Leaky sexual energy” means that someone’s sexual energy is spilling out or radiating from them in a very overt way. [05:38]If someone wears a certain type of clothing, does this necessarily mean that they have leaky sexual energy? [08:48]Vicki talks about perceptions of sexual energy, then gives an example of people seeing sexual energy where it wasn’t intended. [11:16]We hear another example, this time about Vicki herself. [14:58]Vicki points out that we don’t get to just easily put the label of “leaky sexual energy” on someone based on the clothing they’re wearing. [17:19] Links and Resources: Vicki’s monthly Boundaries Clarifier WorkshopsVicki Tidwell PalmerVicki Tidwell Palmer on FacebookMoving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer5-Step Boundary Solution ClarifierVicki Tidwell Palmer on InstagramThe Radiant Threefold Path Beyond Bitchy on SpotifyPia Mellody Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #51 – Intuitives, Empaths & The Personal Energy Boundary

Did you know that tuning into your body is a brilliant source of information about you and your emotions? It can even help you learn about the boundaries you may want to set. The first step is to notice when you feel emotions in your body, and then start identifying which physical sensations track to which emotions for you. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #128: Once you’ve noticed the signals from your body, you get to interpret them. You can download this emotions chart based on Pia Mellody’s work for some guidance.Anger, fear, emotional pain, love, and shame are some of the most common emotions, and they’re a great place to start as you’re figuring out how you physically feel emotions.If you feel anger or fear, you may need to set a boundary or express a limit. Pay attention to what your body is telling you, and ask yourself whether a boundary would fit the situation.Next time you have a noticeable physical reaction to an experience, take a moment to identify your sensations. From there, assess what emotions are connected to those sensations. Highlights from Episode #128: Welcome to today’s episode! We learn about today’s topic, which has to do with bodies and boundaries (but maybe not in the way you expect). [00:39]What does it mean to tune into your body as a source of information? [03:04]Vicki offers some examples of what different emotions might feel like in your body. [06:56]We hear about some potential sensations for emotional pain, love, and shame. [09:32]Anger and fear often come up in situations where we need to set a boundary or limit, Vicki explains. [12:21]What does it mean if you feel a visceral aversion to someone or something? [15:29]Vicki recommends what to do next time you have a physical sensation in response to an interaction or experience. [18:44] Links and Resources: Vicki’s monthly Boundaries Clarifier WorkshopsVicki Tidwell PalmerVicki Tidwell Palmer on FacebookMoving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer5-Step Boundary Solution ClarifierVicki Tidwell Palmer on InstagramThe Radiant Threefold Path Beyond Bitchy on SpotifyPia MellodyEmotions chart based on Pia Mellody’s workSilvan Tomkins

From time to time, everyone struggles with biting the bait. And usually the people we feel most baited by are the people we care about the most. But there’s really no benefit to biting the bait, especially if we want to stay connected. Today, I’ll dig into what exactly bait is, and share 11 ways to avoid biting it. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #95: The dictionary definition of bait causes us to focus on the wrong thing in interpersonal reactions: the other person’s intent. Instead, think of bait as your internal experience to what another person says or does (or doesn’t say or do).The eight phrases that I shared in my episode on how to keep the peace during the holidaysall work when you’re feeling baited. A fantastic all-purpose response is to simply say, “I hear you.” A helpful response when you’re feeling baited is to repeat the other person’s statement or question. Another option is to amplify what the other person said if it was negative.Finally, humor can be one of the most effective strategies for dealing with bait. Highlights from Episode #95: Vicki welcomes listeners to today’s episode, which is all about hownotto bite the bait. [00:39]We hear about Vicki’s upcomingspecial live event for podcast listeners. There, she’ll answer previous questions from listeners. [03:24]What is bait? Vicki explains why the dictionary definition is problematic in this context. [04:45]Vicki digs into the benefits of focusing on being baited as your own experience instead of someone else’s intention. [10:32]We hear about the first few of 11 potential responses to use when you feel baited. [13:47]Vicki shares the rest of the potential responses, including a standalone “ouch.” [18:47]Vicki adds three more tools, specifically for when you’re feeling baited. [23:51]We hear a quick recap of the 11 ways that you can respond when you’re feeling baited. [32:39] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell PalmerClarity Circle Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer5-Step Boundary Solution ClarifierVicki Tidwell Palmer on InstagramPia Mellody Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #74: 8 Phrases to Help You Keep the Peace During the HolidaysLaura Doyle

The next monthly boundaries clarifier workshop is coming up next Tuesday, March 23, 2021! Bring an issue or boundary, and we’ll all work on it together by using the 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier. But let’s get onto today’s topic: your responses to boundary issues and why self-care can be a far better choice than consequences. In fact, whenever you experience a boundary violation, I’d like to invite you to start by thinking about self-care. How can you get your needs met while taking care of yourself and your feelings? Biggest Takeaways From Episode #126: It’s common to think about “consequences” (or even punishment) for broken agreements or boundary violations. But it can be more effective to think of your response to a broken agreement in terms of self-care instead.Imagine yourself in a scenario in which someone has violated an agreement or boundary. (My example is someone forgetting about shared plans, but you can use a different scenario if you prefer.) What would self-care look like in this scenario? What would “consequences” look like? How do those options feel different as you sit with them?When we want to be respectful and relational with another adult, there’s no place for punishments—even for broken agreements. If you try, you may even find yourself with an emotional hangover! Highlights from Episode #126: Vicki welcomes listeners to episode 126, which is all about your consequences! Are they punishment or self-care? [00:39]We learn about the three most common ways to think about responding to boundary violations: consequences, punishment, or self-care. [03:15]Vicki offers a specific example to demonstrate what she means about responding with self-care. [05:25]In a scenario like Vicki has described, you might feel angry or hurt. She then talks about what self-care might look like in this case. [09:26]In that same scenario, thinking about consequences feels different. [12:46]Vicki talks about another example, this time demonstrating how consequences may not be helpful. [14:52]We learn about outright punishments, which have no place [16:37]When you’re thinking about how to respond to a boundary problem or violation, start with self-care. [18:17]Remember to come to the nextboundaries clarifier workshopnext Tuesday, March 23! [19:36] Links and Resources: Vicki’s monthly Boundaries Clarifier WorkshopsVicki Tidwell PalmerVicki Tidwell Palmer on FacebookMoving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer5-Step Boundary Solution ClarifierVicki Tidwell Palmer on InstagramThe Radiant Threefold Path Beyond Bitchy on Spotify

In case you haven’t already heard, I’m holding monthly boundaries clarifier workshops. At these events, we walk through the first four steps of the 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier. Today’s episode was inspired by something that came up in the very first of these workshops: Step 3 (Identifying Your Power Center) is challenging for a lot of people. That’s why today’s episode is all about this step of the process, and how to decide between your four options. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #125: Identifying your power center is incredibly important. Getting it wrong can lead you to think that you don’t have the power to create your desired outcome, or you might believe that you have more power than you actually do.Even when you don’t have the power to create the outcome that you want, this doesn’t mean that you’re doomed. But keep in mind that “I want you to change” isn’t an option for an outcome.You have four options to decide between in terms of your ability to create the outcome you want: 1. I have the power, 2. I need to ask for help, 3. I need to make a request, or 4. I am powerless. Making a request is often not the best option. If you’re an enthusiastic request-maker, ask yourself whether there’s another way to get your needs met before making a request. (If you tend not to ever make requests or as, this advice isn’t for you!) Highlights from Episode #125: Welcome to the episode! We hear that today’s episode involves a deep dive into Step 3 of the5-Step Boundary Solution. [00:39]Vicki reviews the first two steps of the 5-Step Boundary Solution process. [06:21]We hear the four options for your answers to Step 3, and Vicki shares an example to clarify how these options work. [09:28]The first option is “I have the power to create the outcome I want.” Vicki explores this one in more depth. [11:34]Vicki invites listeners to think of situations where you’ve been recurrently irritated by someone else’s behavior, and points out the problem with prioritizing others’ negative thinking. [20:49]We hear an example from Vicki’s life about how asking someone to change didn’t work, and learn what she does instead. [25:05]We learn about the second option: “I need to ask for help.” [26:50]Vicki talks about the third option: needing to make a request. She explains why it’s potentially problematic and might not be the best way to get the outcome you want. [29:01]There are definitely times when you need to make a request. We hear a few examples. [37:26]The fourth and final option is to acknowledge that you can’t create the outcome that you want: I am powerless. [41:31]Vicki explores an important caveat about choosing the fourth option. [46:23] Links and Resources: Vicki’s Boundaries Clarifier WorkshopsVicki Tidwell PalmerVicki Tidwell Palmer on FacebookMoving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer5-Step Boundary Solution ClarifierVicki Tidwell Palmer on InstagramThe Radiant Threefold Path Beyond Bitchy on Spotify Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #1 – Boundaries: What They Are and Why They’re So Misunderstood(start here and work your way forward for the foundations of this podcast!) Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #12 – Your Power Center (Step 3 of the 5-Step Boundary Solution) Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #124 – Repeat After Me: I Am Not Responsible For Other People’s Feelings!