5 Words with Sean Patton

Hello dear legends! Nice to reacquaint you with one of our favorite guests, making his return in this episode, it’s Raanan Hershberg. He’s one of the top up and coming comedians here in NYC and always a great conversationalist. Like Santa Claus who only gives the gift of gab. We really get into the upcoming battle between Amazon and Disney for full control of every human on planet earth. Here are five words to describe this episode: always trust your new stuff.

Holy smokes this is a hot one! This week's guest is a good friend and up and coming NYC based comedian Wilfred Padua! He’s originally from Seattle and we had a real humdinger of a conversation. Wilfred is smart, funny, and the perfect level of narcissist. You’re gonna love him as much as I do. Here are five words to describe this episode: turns out ghosts are real.

I met this week’s guest whilst filming an episode of Ari Shaffir’s This is Not Happening. He immediately stood out as a great storyteller and overall good human being by the name of Gastor Almonte. He co-hosts a great podcast called The War Report (with 5 Words alum Shalewe Sharpe from episode ). We really chow down on some conversation here, and I believe we lay the foundation for our own religion—one where no one ever dies unless they’re an asshole. It’s a great episode, and here are five words to describe it: just buy a fucking house.

Hello dear legends, and welcome back! And I’m saying that to myself, as we are returning from a slight hiatus. Gotta get back out on the road! Vaxxed up, of course. This week’s guest is an all around top-tier gentleman named Tanael Joachim. He’s a comedian from Haiti now living here in NYC and is one of the true up-and-comers in the city and soon the country and then the world. He released his first hour special called January 3rd this year on Amazon. It’s great! We have a conversation about the old adage that women are crazy, men are stupid, and every other gender should find different role models. Here are five words to describe this episode: your ass can save you.

Way back in 2019, this week’s guest and I dropped our albums on the same day. So obviously, she was destined to be on the podcast. It’s Prairie Home Companion’s own Erica Rhodes! And yes, you read that right. She’s been a voice actor since she was 10, so using her vocal skills to entertain the masses was a natural transition. After you listen to this episode, you’ll be hooked, so be sure to download her album Sad Lemon everywhere albums are downloaded! Here are five words to describe this episode: ask for their address first.

Coming at you from the greenroom of The Comedy Fort in Fort Collins, Colorado, this week’s episode not only features the return of my co-host but also the return of one of our favorite guests. The guest? None other than the sultan of Hot 97 turned Hot 97% approval-rated comedian himself, Cipha Sounds! We were doing shows in Colorado and decided to have a reunion episode, and I couldn’t be happier with this one. It’s a great conversation, and Cipha hit us with a story that is pure lunatic fertilizer. Here are five words to describe this episode: get the money up front.

Comedy can be a tough business, and there are so many great comedians who go unnoticed for far too long. They keep grinding and get so good that when their time comes, they leave quite an impression. This week’s guest has done just that. She’s toured clubs, colleges, cruise ships, and now she will be making her Netflix debut on Tiffany Haddish Presents: They Ready. It’s Erin Jackson! I have admired Erin for years now, and you’ll definitely be able to tell by how much of a stumble-mumbling buffoon I am for most of this conversation. Erin has been everywhere from interning at CNN during George W. Bush’s inauguration to now performing on the largest streaming platform on the planet. Here are five words to describe this episode: Josh Harnett pays your rent.

Seans of the world, unite! Shawns and Shauns, go get your own club! This episode is for those of us who spell it the Irish (correct) way. Friends are important, now more than ever, and this week’s guest is a good one (both a friend and an episode). It’s Sean Donnelly! He’s got his own show on SiriusXM and is a stalwart of the NYC comedy scene. We’ve known each other since 2007, so there is a lot to discuss here. We bounce around from BBQ to bar fights. Here are five words to describe this episode: when in doubt, act crazy.

Have you ever heard of Competitive Erotic Fanfiction? Do you think I’m making it up? I’m not, but the guy who actually did make it up and then bring it to life is this week’s guest, Bryan Cook! He’s a hilariously wonderful curmudgeon of a man who I’ve spent many a nights after shows, floating down a river of booze on a four-way kayak with. We get to jabber-jawing in this episode (WARNING: his story has a mention of someone ODing). He’s a redhead with the temper of a blondie, and these days he’s a writer for Jimmy Kimmel Live! Here are five words to describe this episode: roommate's boyfriend should wear pants.

Fly high, dear legends! Comedy Central is still filming shows for the network, outdoors and all. Meaning they can’t do as many so the comedians they choose are fewer, and thus, the top of the food chain, a la this week’s guest Eagle Witt! He’s a big time up-and-comer here in NYC, and an all around interesting and insightful person to have a conversation with. We run the gamut over our chat. Here are five words to describe this episode: never trust your friend’s bike.

What do the TruTV game show Comedy Knockout and the Amazon Prime Emmy award-winning show The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel have in common? This week’s guest! It’s Noah Gardenswartz! He’s a hilarious comedian who’s currently a writer on the aforementioned megahit series. He and I met back in Atlanta a decade ago. Now, he’s nominated for an Emmy, and I’m the king of my own podcast kingdom! We really chew the fat. Here are five words to describe this episode: Nyquil is the real deal. WARNING: apologies for the audio on my end, it’s a bit raspy because I had my settings slightly wrong. Noah, however, sounds like a perfect angel.

WARNING: Discussions of suicide. Holy cannoli, this week’s episode is a barn burner! I met our guest a decade ago at the Nutt Street Comedy Club (now called Dead Crow Comedy Club) in Wilmington, NC. We’ve gotten bender-level drunk in every timezone in North America since, and now she’s sober and living it up as one of the funniest comedians in the country that you haven’t heard of yet. It’s Ali Clayton! From the hills of North Carolina to the streets of Chicago and the boroughs of NYC, Ali has been on quite a journey. We dig deep in this episode: Ali got through a very dark time and is in a much better place now. We are very happy to still have her voice in the world. Here are five words to describe this episode: don’t trust your dad’s girlfriend.

What an episode we got for you right here! A wise man once said, “It’s not about arriving at the destination, but experiencing the journey.” And this episode is the epitome of such wise words. My guest? Myq Kaplan! He’s been everywhere comedians can be, and he just dropped another album called A.K.A. (get it here http://myqkaplan.com/buy/). Myq and I talk about everything from the NYC comedy scene back in 2010 to how you can get good at taking ayahuasca. From dealing with hecklers to getting to know your shaman, this episode is a wonderful journey, and we arrive at this conclusion: Myq is a hilarious comedian. Here are five words to describe this episode: your ringtone can save lives.

Happy 2021 to you all! It has been a bit since the last episode, so welcome back! We’re kicking this year off with the real deal himself. If a slam dunk were worth three points, it would be this week's guest Sam Morril! Sam is one of the absolute best in the game right now, dropping two specials last year (I Got This and Up on the Roof—both on Youtube, check ‘em out!). We really go big here, talking about everything from Spike Lee to elder sex. Here are five words to describe this episode: choose your friends very wisely.

Good day, dear legends! We’re sure many of you have thought, “This podcast is not only great, but also really appreciates the art of storytelling. I wonder when they’ll have another published author as a guest…” And the answer to that is RIGHT NOW! This week’s guest is the spectacular Sam Tallent. Sam is not only a force of nature onstage, he is also the author of the novel Running the Light. It is an awe-inspiring piece of literary masterwork. Here’s what Doug Stanhope, the jedi road warrior himself, has to say about it: “had to stop so many times to read passages aloud to people that I feel like I'm doing the Audible version. Brilliant writing. Astounding.” It’s amazing from start to finish, and you can buy it at www.samtallent.com (do this instead of going to Amazonk, this way Sam makes more money and Jeff Bezos makes less). You know what else is also great from start to finish? This episode! Give it a listen! Here are five words to describe it: your mom can throw hands.

Hello there, Legends, let’s dive right on in! This week our guest has achieved a feat very few people have, and pretty much no other comedian has: she swam on the US National Swim Team. Twice. And now she’s a comedian living in NYC! It’s Laura Sogar! We talk all about her swimming career—which spanned 20 years—how she once trained with Michael Phelps, how Baywatch would’ve played out were it set in Rhode Island, and the most harsh “Welcome to New York!” moment of her life. Here are five words to sum up this episode: don’t cut off your ponytail.

Howdy, Legends! Good on you for tuning in this week as we get down ’n dirty with Atlanta boy, Mike Rowland. He’s an up-and-coming comedian here in NYC. You’ve seen him several times on Comedy Central’s This Week at The Comedy Cellar. We talk about the insanity of your average sports fan, being a belligerent dipshit in front of your comedy heroes, and why Moe’s just isn’t as good as Chipotle. Here are five words to sum up this episode: pine needles equal ass whoopings.

Goodness gracious are you legends in for a good one this week! Our guest is none other than Emma Willmann. You’ve seen her on Netflix’s Crazy Ex-Girlfriend and from her multiple stand-up appearances on TV. A native of Maine, we waste no time in getting right to it, discussing everything from voting for the first wrong candidate to which former president would be the best stand-up to “fuck health” parties. Here are five words to sum up this ep: don’t eat the street salt.

Welcome back legends! This week’s guest is a grand slam: (1) He’s tremendous, (2) he’s our first live guest in six months, and (3) he’s our first repeat guest! It’s Shane Torres! From 64 episodes ago! He’s been on the road with Bert Kreisher; he’s been on Conan, Comedy Central, and Netflix; and he will be on the upcoming hit series (along with Sean) This Joka on Quibi. We have a great conversation, where we discuss Shane’s hatred of The Irishman and how much of a rapscallion he was in his younger years. Here are five words to describe this ep: fire escapes can’t be fat.

Welcome back legends! Yes, we did take a week off (due to technical difficulties) but we are back with a vengeance, and by vengeance, I mean this week’s guest Pete Lee! (His nickname was “vengeance” in the boy scouts). Pete’s a wonderful comedian who’s been all over the TV, Comedy Central, The Tonight Show, Pornhub, as well as having his own podcast Snugglestorm. Here are five words to sum up this episode: just do the right thing.