Dear Men: How to Rock Sex, Dating, and Relationships With Women

Ever felt obligated to "take the next step" in a relationship -- for example, becoming exclusive, moving in together, getting married, buying a house, having children, etc.? Was it what you really wanted, or was it just what your partner or others thought you should be doing at that point? Millions of people quietly make alternative life choices and relationship choices -- but we rarely talk about them. Enter Amy Gahran and her book, Stepping Off the Relationship Escalator. In the world of sex, dating, and love relationships, the cultural norm is the "relationship escalator" -- it's the familiar rom-com plotline where you date, become monogamous, put a ring on it, get married, buy a single-family home in the suburbs (don't forget the white picket fence!), have children, and then only "win" at marriage if you stay together until death parts you. You never get to acknowledge attraction to anyone else, and you both avoid questions around emotional closeness with anyone outside your relationship. Here, we talk about what it looks like to get OFF the relationship escalator.Here are a few concrete examples: Amy Gahran has interviewed hundreds of people who are off the escalator and are engaging in creative relationships of all kinds. If you've ever wondered what else was possible, listen to this. Memorable quotes from this episode: --- Amy's site: https://offescalator.com/

“A common pattern we see is that the sex has dried up.” In millions of marriages around the globe, one partner is starving for intimacy, and the other feels confused, frightened, frozen, or all three. The sexually guarded partner doesn't know how to open, and their partner feels stuck, unhappy and alone. So what can they do? Here we explore exactly that, with a focus on a woman partner who may be terrified of engaging in sexual healing. We explore the origins and root causes of this pattern, as well as sexual intimacy, emotional intimacy, love, commitment, and connection. We talk about the phenomenon of: “I’m so flooded now that we have kids that it’s really hard for me to have the bandwidth to connect physically with anyone.” And: “Our lack of physical intimacy started bleeding into a lack of emotional intimacy." \We also talk about the prevalence of sexual trauma, whether from childhood or adulthood or both, as well as how to heal from it. Hint: One of the best ways to move through it is as a woman is not with a love relationship partner, but with other women. Sisterhood is powerful medicine. Mentioned on this episode: Memorable quotes:

Have you ever felt like you've done everything right — therapy, journaling, the inner work — and yet you were still kind of... stuck? Like you intellectually understood your pain but couldn't actually move it? That's where Sara found herself after a 10-year marriage ended; a year of talk therapy later, she still wasn't where she wanted to be. She felt alone in a battle with the voice inside her that said she was a failure, unlovable, and destined to repeat the past. So she did something most people would never, ever do — and it changed everything. It involved the kink world — but not in the way you might think. Here, we get into how she set it all up, why she chose to do it the way she did, what it felt like in the room, and — most importantly — what shifted as a result. This episode is a reminder that healing doesn't always look the way we expect, and that sometimes the bravest thing we can do is feel it all, all the way through ... in community. --- Work with us here--- Memorable quotes from this episode: --- Mentioned on this episode:

Ever been in a relationship where you felt like it started off GREAT, but over time it became really hard? Ever felt like you had electric sex with someone, especially at the beginning, but then you were often put in the doghouse for doing something “wrong,” and that eventually you ended up constantly walking on eggshells to try not to trigger your partner? Then you’ll likely resonate with this episode. If you’re someone who struggles with setting healthy boundaries, you may have noticed a certain pattern in terms of the dating and relationship partners you’ve ended up with. In our work with men we’ve often seen a certain kind of polarity where men with Nice Guy tendencies attract women with traits of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). These women are often brilliant, funny, engaging, witty, exciting to be around … and volatile. Romantic relationships with them can be a rollercoaster with precipitous highs and lows. Fortunately, we’ve also seen countless men overcome this pattern and grow beyond it. Here we delve into the pattern itself, reasons behind it, and what to do about it. Memorable quotes: isn’t— Mentioned on this episode: episode 239episode 128

Do you ever find yourself minimizing your own needs, and/or feeling responsible for others' emotions? Do you tend to stay quiet to keep the peace, or freeze during conflict? Have you ever struggled with boundaries or wondered why standing up for yourself feels so hard? Here we explore a family dynamic that can be just as damaging for what doesn’t happen as for what does. If there was a volatile parent in your house and a more passive one (or if that's the dynamic you're in as a parent right now, with your own children), you'll want to hear this. This conversation goes beyond obvious abuse and into the invisible wounds: the confusion of not knowing who will protect you, the way your body learns to brace, appease, or disappear, and how those early patterns quietly follow you into adult relationships. We also explore what healing can look like — not through blame, but through awareness. How do you grieve the protection you didn’t receive? What does it take to stop replaying the bully–bystander dynamic in your partnerships, friendships, or inner world? If you’ve ever felt caught between harm and silence, this episode invites you to name the experience — and begin choosing something different. --- Mentioned on this episode: One Million Risingvioletlange.com/rootviolet@violetlange.comLove, Integrated

“This is not something I ever thought I would do.” So begins Kubir's story of moving from a spacious one-bedroom apartment in SF to Radish, a 13-person cohousing community in the East Bay. “As I was getting older, my friends were getting partnered off,” he shared, and talked about his dating experiences before living in community as, in part, a way of experiencing companionship. His is a unique perspective because he never thought he'd end up not only living in community, but dating while recently moving in, and having to answer questions to his new love partner about his motivations. Now his wife is more than just on board -- she's in partnership with him around collaborating with others to create another cohousing community. So what's it like dating in community, getting married in community, and then having a baby? Listen for all that and more! --- Work with us Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I can help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/) --- Mentioned on this episode: SupernuclearCoHoUSThe Other Significant Others: Reimagining Life With Friendship at the CenterStepping Off the Relationship Escalator: Uncommon Love and LifeDM 242LiveNearFriends.com--- Memorable quotes from this episode:

“The gym can be a very scary place.” Ever been intimidated by the idea of working out -- and in particular, lifting weights? Then you're in very good company. Fortunately, as fitness expert Mike Bledsoe puts it, "95% of people in the gym are also insecure." Here we delve right into both the insecurity (and how to overcome it), as well as why Bledsoe, who has trained professional athletes, Navy SEALs, and other fitness experts, prefers to work with beginners. We talk about how to naturally boost your T levels (easier than you think!), the specific way our physical bodies store our "stuff" (and how to move it), and how to get started if you're not sure what to do first. We also touch on questions like: physical--- Work with us Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I can help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/) --- Mentioned on this episode: ELDOA method --- Memorable quotes from this episode: Why

Do any of these apply to you?: --- These are all common patterns we see in our practice. Here we outline the 5 most common reasons we've seen for this pattern, and some stories of men who've done the work and now have vibrant, thriving sex lives. Passion is possible! --- Work with us Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I can help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/) --- Mentioned on this episode: DM 222DM 217DM 358DM 103DM 262DM 1--- Memorable quotes from this episode:

We've got close to 400 episodes, and with the new year, I felt inspired to categorize Dear Men in order to help you get the most out of it! I've broken it down into six buckets, then listed episodes in an order I believe would be supportive to listen to: 1. Do you identify as a Nice Guy? If you already know about Nice Guy Syndrome (perhaps you've even read No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover), you'll love these. If you've not yet heard about it but your spidey sense is going off, it's probably a good time to learn more: --- 2. Ever been with an emotionally volatile partner? If you've ever been with a partner who scared you, who had a lot of emotional intensity, and around whom you felt you were walking on eggshells, then it's time to understand Borderline Personality Disorder. (This could rock your world!) --- 3. Are you curious about sexy time? We have tons of fun episodes on this! Everything from sexual fantasies to episodes with erotica writers. Here's just a taste: --- 4. Are you dating/wanting to date? Whether you're wanting to "date better," or you're getting back out onto the scene after a major relationship has ended, you'll find a gem in here: --- 5. Want to know more about trauma healing? Eventually we all come to realize how messed up we are. ;) It is at that point that it's helpful to learn more about how to un-learn damaging patterns. The good news is that it's never too late, and major breakthroughs are more than just possible when you put in the right effort and get the right support -- they're probable. --- 6. Are you in partnership? Learn about polarity! If you've ever been in a sexless marriage, or a love relationship where you wished there was more sexy time happening, polarity is likely a big part of what's going on. Or even if your relationship is good and you want to take it to GREAT, this is the topic for you. Polarity is a key concept in our work, and it is the balance between masculine and feminine energies, which we often talk about as "alpha" and "omega" energies.

Have you ever been in a relationship where it felt like the spark had died? There's no chemistry but you're going through the motions, wishing there was more heat, more aliveness, more oomph. If so, you might have been bumping up against the principle of polarity. --- Work with us Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I can help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/) --- Mentioned on this episode: --- Memorable quotes:

“I become a bit of a depresso-goblin when I live alone.” So shares one of my housemates -- an eloquent interpretation, perhaps, of the loneliness episode we're living through, according to the US Surgeon General. We all know that loneliness sucks. Among other things, it elevates risk of heart disease, stroke, dementia, depression, and anxiety (among other health concerns). So what do we do about it? According to the Pew Research Center, around 40% of adults are un-partnered, and a recent CNN article states that close to 30% of all US households are folks living on their own. Add to this the gig economy and an increased prevalence of workplaces that are entirely online, and you've got a major societal issue. Living in community is one way of coming together, having more fun, getting more practical support, and strengthening the overall social fabric of your life. Here, I get personal. I myself live in a coliving situation with six other friends. In this episode we delve into questions like: --- Memorable quotes: --- Mentioned on this episode: NesterlyShare a home with someone you can trust for over 1 month stays. Renters can lend a hand for discounted rentCoHoUS

How do you know if you're addicted to porn? Instead of addiction language, some mental health specialists use the term Problematic Porn Use to discuss this. The heart of it is the same, however: How do I stop watching porn? (and why is it so freakin' hard to stop using porn??) Here we delve into the topic, but not from a shame-based point of view. Instead we look at the underlying needs that are met by porn use -- and how to move beyond it. The truth is that this is a complex and intricate subject. It's not as simple or easy as "just stop" -- and whether it's an outside force or your own inner critic saying this, it's simply not helpful (and often damaging). As with many things in life, the truth is, as Jason puts it: “You CAN do this. You just can’t do it alone.” --- Work with us Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I can help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/) --- Mentioned on this episode: Do you trust men?Are you lonely?--- Memorable quotes: “You CAN do this. You just can’t do it alone.”

ATTRIBUTION NOTE: This is NOT an original episode. This is a complete episode of The Ezra Klein Show that I'm posting here, with a note from me at the beginning. Original episode can be found here: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/what-relationships-would-you-want-if-you-believed-they/id1548604447?i=1000644331040 What follows is my own reasons for posting this: --- We are at a crossroads in our cultures and societies worldwide. In many places, social networks are in tatters. Mental health is abysmal in spots without tight-knit communities -- which, let's face it, is a growing number of places. The nuclear family paradigm has dominated over the past 50-75 years, but does it work? Evidence suggests otherwise. Single adults living alone are so lonely they often experience significant anxiety & depression. Parents are stressed and overwhelmed, with children taking up so much energy and attention that it's hard to connect as a couple (including sex! and other kinds of intimacy). And older adults are either aging alone, or in environments that sap their vitality. Studies show that trends around social isolation hit men particularly hard. According to Gallup, for example, "[Young men in the US] are significantly more likely than their female peers to experience deaths of despair." And: "Americans who experience daily loneliness are significantly less likely to report smiling or laughing ... They are also half as likely to be classified as 'thriving' in life." Let's review that: Lonely people are HALF as likely to be classified as thriving. And what happens when you're not thriving? You're almost always not having great sex, wonderful intimate relationships, or a satisfying love life. So what do we do about this? How do we "fix" the loneliness epidemic? This is the first episode in a series that I will be doing on creative solutions and innovative ideas around not just how we think about relationships, but how we think about living. I don't mean that metaphorically, either; I mean our literal living environments. We've lived separately for too long. I believe it's time to bring the generations back together in meaningful ways, and have more FUN at home. --- Work with us Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I can help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/) --- Mentioned on this episode: The Other Significant Others: Reimagining Life With Friendship at the Center

Why do you need to know about this? --- Work with us Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I can help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/) --- Memorable quotes: --- Mentioned on this episode:

Have you ever felt stuck in a love relationship that wasn't working? Maybe you were straining and striving to make it work. Maybe you felt like it was all on your shoulders -- all your responsibility to "fix" it. Or maybe you were afraid of what would happen if it went away. Would she make it? Would you? There are concrete reasons why it's hard for men in particular to let go of romantic relationships (whether marriages or other long-term committed relationships) that are no longer fulfilling. Here we delve into 8 specific reasons why it's hard for men to answer questions like: --- Work with us Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I can help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/) --- Mentioned on this episode: www.pleaseherinbed.com--- Memorable quotes from this episode:

How many hundreds of miles would you travel for great sex? Some of the hottest sexual experiences are some of the least-expected. Sometimes that has to do with location, and sometimes it has to do with ropes and corsets. Often it involves anticipation, and it's frequently NOT about what you think (i.e. perfect "performance"). Here, four of us women friends bring you behind the curtain when it comes to the best sex we've ever had. Some of what we say may surprise you! And some may be things you've always wondered about. Included topics: going down on her, blow jobs for him, domination play, and jumping off (this is not what you think but definitely worth hearing about!). When it comes to dating and relationships, stand-out sex is a big part of it -- but what that looks like is sometimes unanticipated. --- Work with us Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I can help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/) --- Mentioned on this episode: www.pleaseherinbed.com--- Memorable quotes from this episode:

Most men we work with long to be trusted. They yearn to satisfy their partners on every level: physically, emotionally, and sexually. Above all, they want their woman partners to feel safe with them. The fact is, those two things are inextricably linked: If you want a woman to feel safe with you, she needs to trust you. Yet we still live in a world where a lot of women feel unsafe with a lot of men. So what does it take to be deeply trustable? Here, we each reveal what it takes for a man to be trusted by us on a personal level. We share intimate stories of times we interacted with an un-trustable man (and what made him un-trustable), as well as the times we felt deep trust, safety, and connection. Want a woman to fully surrender to you? Listen on -- whether you're newly dating, long-married, or in any other kind of love relationship, you're sure to get something out of this vulnerable, raw discussion of love, safety, trust, intimacy, and sexuality. --- Work with us Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I can help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

When you've got kids with someone, you need to be able to cooperate. But what do you do if your ex is emotionally unstable/volatile, physically or emotionally abusive, or otherwise difficult? Most partners don't start out that way, of course. As one man put it, it felt more like "the ground could be kind of unstable" in the relationship. Another said, "I was hyper-aware of her emotions all the time, and trying to minimize her upheaval." Maybe the two of you have even tried seeing a couple's counselor. But it didn't work -- or in some cases, even seemed to make things worse. Says one man, "Even in therapy, a lot of it was, ‘You’re the cause of this.’" Here, three men share their personal experiences of co-parenting with challenging partners -- women who often have traits of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) or Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). They go into what it was like being in the relationship, the progression from being a childless couple to having children together, and then the journey out. They share both practical and emotional tips about co-parenting, and offer what they've learned along the way. If you're in this situation, may this help to light the way. Memorable quotes: --- Mentioned on this episode: Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality DisorderLoving Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality DisorderParallel Parenting -- The Only Way to Co-parent with a Narcissist: Managing a Counter Parent, Setting Boundaries, and Protecting Your Child From Parental Alienation25 Fictional Characters People With Borderline Personality Disorder Relate To(https://themighty.com/topic/borderline-personality-disorder/bpd-borderline-personality-disorder-fictional-characters/

Some experts estimate that ~15% of marriages are sexless, while others put the number as high as 33% ("sexless relationship" defined as a couple having sex 10 times a year or fewer). That's a lot of people. Now let's talk about the stakes: Does a sexless marriage generally mean a less fulfilling one? In a word, yes. According to researcher and associate professor Denis Donnelly in the New York Times, "Happy couples have more sex, and the more sex a couple has, the happier they report being." Plus, her research showed that folks in sexless marriages were more likely to have considered divorce than those in sexually active ones. So what do you do if you're in this position? How do you handle being in a sexless relationship or sexless marriage? Can you bring the sex back in -- repolarize the relationship? Here, we work on answering questions like: "How do I bring up sex with my wife?" -- in Jason's words, “A lot of guys don’t know where to start because they don’t know where it’s coming from.” And, "What do I do if my wife doesn't want to have sex with me?" -- or how to handle the sense that when she does, it's more of her feeling like "this is a thing I have to do for you to get you off my back." It's a tender, vulnerable, and important subject. Let's dive in. --- Work with us Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I can help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/) --- Memorable quotes: --- Mentioned on this episode: --- To book a call with me to discuss Sexual Mastery, go to melaniecurtin.com/sexualmastery

In North America, we tend to think of circumcision as "normal" and "widespread." But did you know that circumcision as a practice only became widespread in the US in the mid 1900s? So what's the deal? Why did it originate as a practice and why has it persisted? And perhaps most importantly, what is the impact on a man -- both physiologically as well as psychologically? The answers may surprise you -- I know they did me. I was unaware, for example, of the extent to which intact foreskin helps a man with sexual pleasure. I also didn't realize that foreskin restoration is a thing -- that if you've been circumcised, there's actually a way to re-grow foreskin. There's a lot of intensity and sensitivity around this subject, and for good reason: It matters deeply. If you yourself are circumcised, you have loved ones who are, and especially if you're a parent-to-be, please listen. It's important. --- Work with us Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I can help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/) --- Memorable quotes: --- Mentioned on this episode: Circumcision: The Hidden Trauma -- How an American Cultural Practice Affects Infants and Ultimately Us Allwww.reddit.com/r/foreskin_restoration/melaniecurtin.com/sexualmastery