The Worst Movie Ever Made

This week is a good movie week, so we’re going to spend some time with 1999’s Bowfinger. They got Jamie Kennedy for this one (that’s a deep pull, hit up our back catalog). Also, Bob is back after his wiener transplant, so please be gentle, as he’s been through a lot. Here we go!!! Bobby bowfinger bamboozles buds to be buffooned behind a bigshot badass blockbuster boss, but bluffing because of budget and lack of blessing! Production company picks the perfect person! Bob’s looney loop is MIA, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The BEST MOVIE Ever Made! www.theworstmovieevermade.com

This week, we cast our stones at 2001’s The Glass House, a movie about a family with the last name Glass, who literally live inside of a glass house. SYMBOLISM!!! WOW! In this psychological mystery thriller, there is no mystery and there are no thrills. The only thrill I got was when I unsuccessfully attempted to drown myself after watching it. What a turd of a movie. GLASS HOUSE! WHITE FERRARI! LIVE FOR NEW YEAR'S EVE!!! Surviving siblings sequestered by sinister surrogate stewards, stripped of any semblance of safety, swimming sexily, stalling stolen sports cars, sleuthing in shadows, and slaying in the sunlight. The obvious Skarsgard semen switcheroo! LeeLee sausage fest? “So mom and dad are dead, that sucks!” Mr. Big from Fucky in New York wants to bang Helen Hunt’s Clone! Ruby’s scary mommy dream! Color coordinated Apple laptop outfit! Swiss chard shoulder belts! Foster daughter mattress overdose! Equestrian overlap, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made! www.theworstmovieevermade.com

This week we get into 2007’s Bee Movie, because it’s time to bee like that. Get it? Bee? Hahahahahahahah! Good one! Well, we guess seeing is BEE-lieving! This is basically the whole episode. Bee puns. It’s really bad, but our show is really good. If you’re already here, you know this though. Jerry jams his jowls jauntily and jovially while ginning up jokes and japes! A woman boning a bee! Intimidating stingers on the pollen jocks! Barry Seinfeld! Crumb Guy and Finger on the Helmet Dude! Barry decides to bail! Over-Bee-Actions! Do they brush their hair with honeycombs? John Goodman’s big, juicy piece, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made! www.theworstmovieevermade.com

This week we get into Jiu Jitsu, a Nicolas Cage movie about what would happen if a movie studio spent $25 million on what they thought was a captivating cross between Predator and Power Rangers, with just a sprinkle of Mortal Kombat, all combined to rake in less than $100k at the box office. Stunt choreography is pretty cool though. Let’s fuckin’ gooooo! Amnesiac army agent allows for asteroid aura to assemble an array of arrogant alien assassins after an atomic accident aims to annihilate all allies! Storm Trooper Shurkiens! Getting stitched by two Japans! Going to battle with a sleep needle! Swedish wheat semantics! What kinda tagonists we talkin ‘bout? Brax’s attacks lack honor! Poet warrior space man! Missed opportunity for invisible jungle bubble! Jam him in the heal hole! Big booty Brax blade attacks Cage’s ass, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made! www.theworstmovieevermade.com

This week, Chris and Rob engorge themselves with rage as they unpack 2003’s Hulk. That’s right, long before the MCU, we had to watch this pile of MC-Poo. Iron Man was only a glimmer in Jon Favreau’s eye, and he hadn’t yet mustered the courage to bust a nut on Kathleen Kennedy’s impatiently throbbing bosom, Edward Norton was working on The Italian Job or something, and the world hadn’t totally gone to shit yet. But after watching this punisher, we can’t say that things were better back then either; we’re just looking at the past through rose colored glasses as we march endlessly forward into oblivion. Anyhow… here we go… Eric Bana’s Bruce Banner bludgeons and bumbles bureaucrats and bomb brigadiers by bellowing through battles, beating off to Betty, and blasting bombs with his bare hands! Slurry and Sherri! The Hulk is made of starfish? Frogs on overdrive! Touching the emotional West Wing! Betty the malignant bitch! Glen, the military-adjacent snooping pussy! Running tests on the Bruce Juice ™! Bruce’s goose gets cooked! Bong-smoking nanomeds! Enter Commander Daddy and Papa Nolte! They made some choices! Unsanctioned pitbull and pomeranian pummeling! Rocky Mountain Surface Hulk?! Dick math incentive semantics! Hog-hiding Hulk shorts! Nightmare lab-tech trigger tanks, and much, much more on this week’s Episode of The Worst Movie Ever made! www.theworstmovieevermade.com

This week, we’re doing a little redux in the form of 1987’s Over The Top. The reason we’re doing this episode a second time is because it’s a double elimination. That’s right, you have to do it twice for it to count. Stallone’s got the balls, and his son’s got a big ass pussy that needs to be whipped into shape if he’s ever going to grow up to be a proper man. How do you become a proper man, you ask? Steak. Trucks. Arm Wrastlin’. And defeating Smasher. Let’s get into it, shall we? arrogant archetype in arrears adventures with anchor actually arriving at armlock action arena attaining actual achievement! Hawk hustling Smasher! Wake up and workout routines! The 80iest song that could be! Michael is a total Redditor! Pinewater soap transportation! Mike blows Pinball Punk away! Hawk grew up in the diner scene! Grandpa’s goons kidnapping on his behalf! Low-valence VIN investigations! Shittin’ business, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made! www.theworstmovieevermade.com

This week, we bring in the new year with 1993’s Champagne and Bullets. A movie that shows its namesake with the sheer amount of champagne and bullets it presents to you, the viewer. This is classic Worst Movie Ever Made territory… think The Room, Miami Connection, Samurai Cop, Birdemic, and Neil Breen. It’s not “so bad it’s good,” it’s “so awful it’s amazing.” Seriously, Champagne and Bullets is such a punisher that we had to take a week off to regroup before talking about it. So let’s shimmy slide into this, shall we? Rick's rightful retribution against rival responder for restitution and reckoning while ridiculous risquee romance and repugnant rape ruckus results in a rubbish resolution! Deep Throated Douche Bag Detectives! Cowboy cops caterwauling with Cindy! Improper porch swing semantics! Some statements need to be hooded? Tits on the rocks! Mr. Fringe Fuck Benefit has no class, and my buddy can speak Hamlet!!! Polyester puppets! Huckleberry philosophy, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made! www.theworstmovieevermade.com

This week, we get into Home Sweet Home Alone… SIXTH HOME ALONE MOVIE!!! Yes, there’s six of them. This one stars Fat Harry Potter, and a bunch of reliably adequate comedians who make sucking on a tailpipe seem like the best way to celebrate Christmas becuase they're working with the worst screenplay ever penned to paper. This one’s a punisher, so buckle up… McAllister mayhem? Mauling marv? Macauley's micro machines? More like marmalade muffin munching moppet majorly misfires with mismanaged mansion mischief! Fuck the British! Unimaginative reimagining! Frankenstein’s Monster’s Vagina? Pete Holmes! Bandits getting billiard bashed! V-R-U-Serious?! Yellow-bulb Bob over here, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made! www.theworstmovieevermade.com email us, you cowards.

This week we get into the holiday spirit by watching Santa With Muscles. It’s about Santa. With Muscles! Anything outside of that, we’re not so sure. This is our third movie on the pod to feature Hulk Hogan, but the first one that doesn't show him ripping a car door straight off its hinges. Maybe the car doors were the friends we made along the way … Hardly a Hollywood holiday hit has Hulk Hogan hurling hoodlums, heaving haymakers at henchmen, and having half the har-hars as the Holocaust! Orphan impropriety! Children cheering for virtuous violence! Clause Cunnilingus! Bob knows a crystal expert! Strokin’ during cave time! Mad scientist mafia! Ragtag researchers ransacking! Hogan hops in a hummer with his holiday horde! Deputy bazookas? Angels laughing at the damned! Exploding rose hands, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made! www.theworstmovieevermade.com

This week, we get into Pregnant by the Pastor: The Aftermath, and we’re not sure if it’s a sequel or the first installment because even Tubi doesn’t know. We don’t even know what this movie is about, who it’s for, or what its many layers of dense symbolism even mean. Oh boy, here we go ... Various vixens with vague values, valor or virtue vie for Vicar's viscosity void of virginity, vestments and vespers! Tyler Perry approach! Visual shorthand via hat! A ton of tongues! Meeting with the impregnator! Part-time pastor rap partners?! Talking shop over mustard and water! Side rimmer jobs? Graveyard chicanery! Sensible sound design, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made! www.theworstmovieevermade.com

This week, we get into 1996’s Primal Fear, Edward Norton’s debut role, and Richard Gere’s best performance. It’s like that 2010 movie, Stone, but without the cornrows. We’re celebrating a good movie week before we get lost in the sauce again, so let’s take a deep breath, and talk about one of the best legal thrillers of the 90s. Ready? Set! Go!!! Martin motions that murderous minstrel mister has been mistakenly marked as the murderer of a Monsignor, and must mar the malicious materiality, mainly due to molestation of minors, and misguided men and maiden! Marty meets Marty! Janet isn’t into gerbil play! Bishop bedroom bedlam with a sweet little bloody boy! Marty bursts into Janet’s lunch! Tickling the jury’s doubt pocket, and much, much more on this week's episode of The BEST Movie Ever Made! www.theworstmovieevermade.com

This week, we get into Nicolas Cage’s The Surfer. Shoutout to Jeff for emailing us the suggestion. We all love Nicolas Cage more than life itself, so it’s only fitting we revisit the legend after doing Prisoners of the Ghostland two weeks ago. CAGE FOR DAYYYYS! Little production note for y’all: Rob has a new supercomputer, and for some reason his keyboard is louder than god, and apparently his office chair needs to be hit with some WD-40. Sorry about that, let’s just call it ambiance… Soul surfing snobby scumbag sociopaths sabotage, shame, scold and spite the son of a sandy and sea soaked suicidal slip ‘n slider! Cage’s craw gets stuck! I hope it’s anCHOVY! Fixing for a quick little shit-me-up! Sexual surf and branding rituals! Delirious with rat-spit infused wounds! Scally gets slick in the swim shorts, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made! www.theworstmovieevermade.com

Heyyyyy, no video feed this week guys. We had an unspeakable amount of behind-the-scenes issues that were unfortunately not able to be rectified. Thanks Norbit ... you broke us. We may never recover. Here we go! Unfunny, fake, flabby female flogs, flips, and feuds with four-eyed fellow and his frail framed female friend! Can you cut off a butthole? Blasian Face, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made. www.theworstmovieevermade.com

This week, you better hold onto your TESTICLLLEEEEEES because we’re getting into 2021’s Prisoners of the Ghost Land, starring our one true God, Nicolas Cage. What’s the movie about, you ask? Your guess is as good as ours, but it’s like if Mad Max was Snake Plissken, but also Nicolas Cage in a sci-fi horror Western saga. It’s that good. HI-FUCKING-YAHHHHH! Treacherous tale told, targeting a tyrant with twisted testicular TNT, a tormented town trek, and a true tribal takedown! Frankenstein henchman! Sex slave streets! Squid Game chasing! Kentucky fried Colonel wannabe! Veritable phantasms! Undressing a bunch of artistic chicks? Nic’s dick exploding suit! Post traumatic stress comedy relief! Clock tower towns! Psycho ghost Samurai zombies! Rob isn’t a gun, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made! www.theworstmovieevermade.com

This week, we get into 1980’s Alligator; a movie that is way better than we thought it would be, but feel compelled to roast anyway given the nature of this podcast. You should watch it. It’s on Tubi for free. It’s great. Sometimes it’s not. But it mostly is. Aight, let’s go. Gator guts guys who are getting rid of golden doodles in the garbage, gores goons in the gutter, glances at a gal, and goes after greedy grifters at a garden gathering! Writing wizard wasted! Bayou beast bartering! City sewer slasher, or the works of a sketchy scientist?! Mangy mutt murder! Wrongdoing researchers! Steroid style growth of edible animals! Colonel Vagina Helm? Globs of hormone indicators! Madison’s vagina fetcher! Horny hunters eaten in Booger Alley, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made! www.theworstmovieevermade.com

This week, we get into Half Past Dead, or as we like to call it: Halfway to straight-to-DVD for the remainder of Steven Seagal’s career! Alcatraz! Ja Rule! Gold Heists! Cars! Guns! Russians! OH MY GOD WE’RE ALREADY YELLING SO WE MIGHT AS WELL GET INTO IT! Here we go, cuh. Squishy Steven is stuck in a cell, in the stockade, since stripping stolen sedans is still a sin! Segal’s disruptive force! Bromantic bazooka spooning! Tactical goth squads! Morris Chestnut and his trench coat Mafia! No Ja-rules! Sneaky, cinematic Seagal segments! Hand-to-hand henchman hoisting! Temu Tyson Beckford! Duel in the industrial arena! You don’t see a lot of swinging chain fights these days! Utilizing armed inmates! In the heli as welly! Bob is an idiot, but Chris and Rob are idioter, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made! www.theworstmovieevermade.com

This week we get into 80s historical fiction, Girls Just Want To Have Fun. Not too much fun though, they don’t even say “wanna,” which would come off as a little more informal and a lot more up for anything. Champagne wishes and leotard dreams coming right up for yerrrrrr! Here we go. Giddy, godly, go go girls grind with guys, grappling with a groovy gyration game, giving gramps the gloomy gus groan, then green light gladness! Super 80s caucasian dance pop kind of … thing? Horny babysitting tactics! Rich Bitch Natalie is just fucking awful! Chris wants to get back there! Lynn’s limb manipulation! Rob is right about walkaround milk, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made! www.theworstmovieevermade.com Also, shameless plug! Bob’s daughter Ilijana’s short film, A Trip To Lua, is streaming for free on Youtube.

This week, we answer Slow Drip’s request, and take on Hobgoblins! Rob has technical difficulties and melts down! Chris makes an “impastable” assertion! Bob stumps us with Fact or No Fact! This is one for the ages. Let’s go! A garish & grimy Gremlins grift has got growling goblinoids grabbing a geeky goober, his grimacing girlfriend, a goony gabagool guzzler, his go-to good-time go-go girl and their girly goofball gal-pal! Co-host crackhouse queries! Pussies get no snussy! Army man, the two-pump chump! Mind controlled phone-sex fuckboi, the dialup dick tickler! Chris’ profound take on unwatchable stagnant views! Club scum and the buckets of… ! Tit scope primers! Lackadaisical light lore, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made! www.theworstmovieevermade.com

Here's the mail, it never fails, except when Dustyn suggests Teen Witch, upon which we'll rail! Saddle up, fuckers! It's time to get witchy! Teenage trick teaser taken with a twenty something turns tempered terrain into twenties, a tot into a terrier, a toad into a tonic, and a teacher into a topless trouser twirler! The Paranormal Porkies that could have been! Fudge brother diary smudging! Sticky but fascinating classroom jabbing! Marcia Wallace! Cycle sulking on the way to an eccentric seer! Sparky Sperm and Edna the Egg! Brad Fonzies a Coke machine! Drivin’ through the fog like a hog with a hardon! Quick panic puppy bath! What happened to the apron? First-timer fuck shacks! Second-timer sex boats, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made! Email us, you cowards! www.theworstmovieevermade.com

This week, we continue to dig deep into our mailbag with Kayla's suggestion, Jupiter Ascending... or as we like to call it, “Stupider Unending.” This was really, really, really, really, really, really bad. Like super bad. Not like the movie, Superbad, which is actually kinda good, but like actually super, duper bad. What have we done? Jupiter Jones joins a journey jonesing for genetic justice, just after Jupiter jettisons her juvenile jam! Insignificant integrity! Human goo mining! Realigning the quantum chi! Twin Tower trauma triggers! Dropping the jizz jar! Joop’s majestic powers of deduction! Vocal fry until we die! Blasting lycanthrope ropes! Canine cock! More rejuvenating jelly! Mutt mallet? Mister Whispers, the badboy brother! Gary "Oldham," and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made! Don't forget that this is our mailbag season, so email us you cowards! www.theworstmovieevermade.com