Diary of Doom

Ah, the 90s. A time when heavy metal was trying to figure out just what the hell it was actually doing. As nu-metal became the reigning champ of the time, a holdover from the 80s went in another direction. Twisted Sister's own Dee Snider wrote and starred in a horror movie entitled Strangeland. It is arguably the first flick to boast a largely nu-metal soundtrack which also features the likes of Megadeth, Pantera, and Nashville Pussy somehow. Directed by a fella named Pieplower, it follows the capers of one sadistic dude named Captain Howdy (yep, that's Dee Snider) as he bounces around the early days of the internet to torture his victims in manners inspired by the modern primitive movement. We just think Dee Snider was watching a lot of Ripley's Believe It or Not. Joining Dylan for this barrel of laughs is Shayne Mathis as they bear witness to Bile not performing while performing, dead wife puppets, bedpans full of piss, and Dee Snider's big rubber chest.

Ever wonder how Danzig perceives the world? If you watch Verotika, as we did, you might find out. Happy Halloween and up yours, Glenn.

Hoo boy, where do we even start with this one? In 2017, Ash Avildsen, the head of Sumerian Records and son of the guy who directed Rocky, conjured into this world American Satan against all of our wishes. Chronicling the rise of badly named fake band The Relentless, it is posited as a retelling of Faust. It's more or less a teenage male's fantasy of being a rockstar, and a surprisingly low-quality one at that, in as much as it looks like shit. This flick's morals are dubious at best and it boasts some absolutely bonkers covers, in addition to a full roster of Sumerian Records bands and Larry King in his final screened appearance. You'll learn how to fail upward with the Devil and you get Bill Goldberg as a tour manager. All the while excusing and encouraging straight-up misogyny and pushing the ew factor out the wazoo. Did we mention mega creep Drake Bell is in this too? In order to see how this stacks up against actual life on the road as a touring band, Dylan brought on Connor Appleton from Come Mierda to suffer Sumerian-style through the trials and tribulations of The Relentless. Content warning: sexual assault discussed Track featured is "Warzone" by Come Mierda off their demo. Check em out here!

Diary of Doom rises from its October grave to pilfer weed resin from an uncleaned bong and to talk about this year's edition of DesertFest 2023. August West, Vater Boris, and Vater's one and only Boo are along for the ride as Dylan recaps his weekend between Saint Vitus Bar and the Knockdown Center. Along the way, they discuss if there are any Melvins fans in Hawaii, Colour Haze eating hearts, how to get so drunk you forget who Black Sabbath is, strapless amps, and various tales of Dave Wyndorf. Thanks again to the DesertFest crew for having me out to photograph this year's festival!

Irene the Black Metal Pastry Chef is back to chaperone Dylan through the bluest movie of all time and the inspiration for countless internet fiction, Underworld. Directed by Len Wiseman, who stole Kate Beckinsale from Michael Sheen, it's a tale of romance and violence, goth cryptid violence that is as vampires battle w̶e̶r̶e̶w̶o̶l̶v̶e̶s̶ lycans while destinies unfold and all manner of complicated love plays out. To complement the drama, it boasts a moody soundtrack courtesy of Danny Lohner featuring Page Hamilton of Helmet, David Bowie, Skinny Puppy, and A Perfect Circle. Even better, the flick's got UV bullets, early 00s vampire fashion, silver goo bullets, shooting out floors to get downstairs, wrist blades, and lycans that learn the hard way why you shouldn't rub-climb on walls. Dylan and Irene also discuss when it is appropriate to cover Nine Inch Nails and when it is not and how Krallice opened for Krallice. Check out and support Irene's bands: Heretic Bodyhammer ("Severing the Godhead" featured in the closing) and High Cost Note: At 01:58:08, no idea fuckin' clue what that noise is. Possibly aliens warping into our dimension.

Kit from I Hope You Suffer is back and this time, they watched a real movie! This month's film is 2015's The Devil's Candy, the motion picture meeting point of art, heavy metal, and Satan. It cannot be stressed how intrinsic heavy metal is to this movie's existence. Sunn O))) is literally part of this film, not to mention the soundtrack features Metallica, Queens of the Stone Age, Goya, Pantera, and Slayer. Ethan Embry stars as an extremely greasy and extremely cringy artist who moves his metalhead family into a cursed house so naturally, he crafts a really fucked up painting and runs afoul of a nasty fellow with a penchant for playing a Flying V and killing people with a big rock. Dylan also pitches Danzig to be the next celebrity featured in Dead by Daylight.

Dylan welcomes Andy Davis of the band EAT to tackle (with extreme frustration) the 2005 grimfest that is Alone in the Dark. Directed by notorious internet celebrity turned restauranteur and boxer, Uwe Boll, this cinematic equivalent of a conspiracy theory somehow boasts an immense roster of metal bands for its soundtrack and manages to completely squander it. Despite featuring such talent as Mastodon, Meshuggah, and The Dillinger Escape Plan, it goes 57 minutes before any metal shows up. Instead, we are subjected to Christian Slater's amazingly billowy trench coast, Dr. Tara Reid, Ph. D, Stephen Dorff's hair, monsters named after eating, and one of the most baffling and ineptly edited gunfights ever. This movie's poster also looks a lot like Goatse. Track featured is "The Actress" by EAT off their album Songs of Thanks. Check out their Bandcamp here. Note: There was some new recording equipment being used and wasn't fully fine-tuned. Apologies for the background noise int his one, hoping to have it resolved for the next one!

Green movie for the green podcast. This month, Dylan is talking about one of the best fake band movies, Green Room, with returning guest Jeremy Hunt of Qoheleth. Released in 2015 not far ahead of when the pitiful, bigoted underbelly of the country would start forcing its way into the spotlight, the movie follows touring punk rock band The Ain't Rights (perhaps the only band that has never had an Instagram account) as they find themselves embroiled in a tense standoff with an absolutely terrifying Patrick Stewart, turning in an about-face role as the leader of a skinhead group. In addition to the great cast, the film boasts an incredible soundtrack that is actually used in the movie, captures the spirit of being in a touring band, shows off some genuinely grisly gore and carnage, and acts as a good reminder that nazis suck and that's why they're the villains.

Dylan welcomes Chris and Jon from the Cinema Duel podcast to talk about how horror and metal went hand-in-hand for them in their youths, much like a certain Terry Chandler in today's movie, The Gate. Tibor Takacs' 1987 jaunt helps keep things very Canadian in this episode (the Great White North is a haven for metal and horror) as they discuss a metal movie that ostensibly features very little actual heavy metal music, trading that in for Stephen Dorff before he became a blood tornado in Blade, a good use of geodes, and some incredible special effects that include demonic mole people, serpentine monstrosities, melting dads, melting phones, wall zombies, hand eyeballs, and a waltz with a dead pooch.

Dylan and Nathan continue on with their quest to put Charles Band in The Hague by closing the book on the Evil Bong franchise with Evil Bong 777 and Evil Bong 888. These "movies" find the FMCU troupe jumping from Las Vegas to a thrilling finale in... a restaurant. A green screen restaurant at that. Would you believe there's even more doll sex? These weed movies have forgotten they're about weed and replaced it with an Elvis puppet that truly fucks along with a dude from Tiger King, Karens, rednecks, a chef named Sal Monilla, and hot dog bean soup. Our brains were melted, so we decided to talk about Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 for a bit at the end as a cleanse.

It's 4/20 and as is tradition, we're dipping back into the Evil Bong waters to finally put this bad bong to bed. Dylan and Nathan from I Hope You Suffer band together once more against the power of FMCU (Full Moon Cinematic Universe). All your favorites, least favorites, and newcomers are here: EB, Rabbit, Larnell, the Gingerdeadman, and the Gingerweedman (arguably the only good thing about these "movies). Summarizing these films was akin to the ravings of a madman, so we broke it up into two parts for you. In the first installment, Dylan and Nathan tackle Evil Bong High-5 and Evil Bong 666. Suspecting that at least two of these entries started out as one movie, they stumble their way through a shitty weed store, the Gingerdeadman's horrible CGI mouth, doll sex, grave levels of bigotry and stereotypes, and flaming pussy portals to "Sexy Hell", a place where they still need a BIC lighter to smoke. Part 2 is available right now if you're still with us!

It's time to get down in the club and spin-kick some zombie dogs to "Fist Fuck" by Nine Inch Nails. Dylan takes a break from the Resident Evil 4 Remake to welcome Kat and Jazz from Girl, That's Scary to stan for the 2002 film adaptation of the hit video game series (adaptation used pretty lightly). Passing over George Romero for Paul W.S. Anderson and regretfully scored by Marilyn Manson, the soundtrack also featured Slipknot, Coal Chamber, Rammstein, Fear Factory, Mudvayne, a really bad Depeche Mode song, and a wicked appearance by Method Man. As the trio dives into The Hive of Raccoon City, they discuss how this almost starred ski resort legal nightmare Gwyneth Paltrow, videotaping video games, zombies that follow the creed of Chef Boyardee, and, of course, the laser grid meat cuber. Stay tuned for some more 4/20-themed episodes coming up later this month.

Before he was a terrible CGI scorpion centaur, The Rock was The Scorpion King. For the first fresh episode of Movies from Green Hell, Kit from I Hope You Suffer returns to join Dylan in revisiting this incredibly early 2000s flick that was written by Solid Snake. Sporting an aggressively nu metal soundtrack that barely shows up in it, this is a film plagued by fire ants, yak piss, skullets, magical editing, and stolen Chinese dynamite powered by salt. This episode is proudly sponsored by the Bad Neighbors of I Hope You Suffer Association. Note: Due to lag, we talk over each other a bit. I tried to edit it to the best of my abilities. And a lot of Hooch (dog) jangling.

Revenge gets ugly? More like revenge gets shitty. Dylan makes Kit from I Hope You Suffer finally face down a film that Warner Bros. probably wants to forget exists: Jonah Hex. Despite boasting a $47 million budget and a soundtrack from Mastodon, Jonah Hex manages to fail on an immaculate level. Just a sampling of the weirdness this movie offers includes John Malkovich looking like Jon Schaffer, bowler hat magic, a guy named Slocum, would-be hellhounds, snake men, a truly baffling take on "limbo", Eli Whitney's WMDs, and a lot of crows. This was recorded sometime in May 2022, but just got released now. Actual new episode coming at you on the first Friday of March!

Dylan welcomes Bryan and Ryan from Doomsday Profit back to the podcast to talk about a movie inspired by Dungeons & Dragons. No, not THAT Dungeons & Dragons movie, we're talking about Tom Hanks' first film: Mazes & Monsters, made for TV in 1982 as the Satanic Panic was on the rise and featuring the Mayor from Jaws. Our heroic party attempts to see how just how bad DND is for the rest of us as well as wear a lot of hats, drink wine from the future, become guitar lecturers, and steal from the DTH department. Also Tom Hanks makes a lot of weird noises. TW: We will be discussing suicide in the context of the film and the history surrounding it. This was originally released on May 9, 2022 on Patreon.

In Episode 2 of MFGH, during the highest time of the year, Dylan watched some more of the lowest flicks of all time with the only host of I Hope You Suffer willing to return, Nathan Sizemore. The disappointed duo tackled three more entries in this unfortunate series: Evil Bong 3D: The Wrath of Bong, Gingerdeadman vs. Evil Bong, and Evil Bong 420, during which they highlighted space bongs, getting off at the bakery counter, a pastry tribunal, topless bowling alleys, quite possibly the most audacious scene in cinema history featuring the most hideous character ever, and a whole lot of cum for movies about weed. If you want to get the whole bong rip, check out Chapter 73 of Diary of Doom where the first two Evil Bong movies were derided. We have one more episode coming at you on Monday before the "fresh" ones start dropping on Friday, February 3. This was originally released on April 19, 2022 on Patreon.

The once-Patreon exclusive and then Toilet ov Hell featured podcast will now live here on the Diary of Doom feed for your listening displeasure. Today we debut it with not one, but two episodes to get the ball rolling. For anybody that does not know the schtick, Movies from Green Hell joins the detritus of a wasteland of movie podcasts that will focus on the discussion of (and probably lambasting) movies that feature heavy metal music in some capacity, no matter how tenuous, and terrible stoner flicks as Dylan forces others to join him on this very stupid quest. Movies from Green Hell will be released once a month on the first Friday, but we've got one more in the can for you on Monday before the freshies start dropping. In the debut episode, Dylan tackles a true cult relic of the 90s: Freaked! Along with him for round one are fellow freaks Jeremy Hunt (Qoheleth), Jon Michael (Cinema Duel), and Nathan Sizemore (I Hope You Suffer). As they toss back some Zygrote 24, they discuss this ooey-gooey masterpiece as well as Bob Vila, The Idiot Box, The Butthole Surfers connection, Rat Fink, and whatever Alex Winter is up to now. This was originally released on April 4, 2022 on Patreon.

Cough, cough, cough, Merry Kyuss-mas! Diary of Doom is closing out 2022 with our seemingly omnipresent guest, August West, by talking about a band that nobody has ever heard of before: Kyuss. After paying tribute to our friend, John Hopkins, and his mother, Reita, and running through some of their favorite albums of the year (highlighting Steve Albini's love for Dead Meadow), the dank duo delves into the short but sweet discography of one of the cornerstone bands of heavy music, touching on how exactly to say Kyuss, why legal battles suck the air out of bands, Kyuss Lives!, petition for John Garcia to front Danzig, how many Allen wrenches they have laying around, and a five-way battle of "Yeah!" Oh, and Dylan nearly passed out (again!) at some recent concerts. Albums covered: Sons of Kyuss (1990) Wretch (1991) Blues for the Red Sun (1992) Welcome to Sky Valley (1994) ...And the Circus Leaves Town (1995) Hope everybody is braving the cold right now and has a safe and happy new year!

Where do we even start with this episode? Back in May, longtime returning guest August West agreed to join Dylan in talking about a band crucial to his formative years as a metal fan. This seemingly mundane task was upended by a tornado (no joke) and massive fatigue (likely a symptom of being forced to listen to Dylan ramble), resulting in an episode recorded over the course of three sessions. But eventually, they got their shit together to talk about Atlanta, GA sludge outfit, Zoroaster. They delve into their discography and also manage to tell Dylan's mom about Come to Grief, get Mortiis to give DOD the thumbs up, vacuum up rattlesnakes, get Mike IX's approval of Bud Light Seltzer, praise Fred Ward's finest role as the Night Vulture, learn all about Master Therion, find out why Dylan doesn't listen to singles, get old with Clutch, and get ripped off by Skillet. Albums Covered: Zoroaster (2005) Dog Magic (2007) Voice of Saturn (2009) Matador (2010) Happy holidays everybody! Stay safe out there, smoke weed, and be good to each other.

"And this is Glamdring, the Foe-Hammer, sword of the King of Gondolin. These swords were made for the Goblin Wars long ago..." Not quite sure if the Goblin Wars ever ended since everybody seems to be diving into goblin mode these days. But on Diary of Doom, we are taking it low and slow, which doesn't seem to line up with the proprietors of said goblin mode. Dylan welcomes Jay Cardinell of Foehammer, one-half of the truly mammoth Virginia doom duo. They've got a new album out this year called Monumentum and if you're in the market for something really fucking heavy, it's probably your ticket. Amidst a whole lot of chatter about Tolkien and Ursula K. Le Guin, they get into the trve nature of Metal Archives, why Jay digs Sleep's Volume 1 so much, being in a band called The Bible (and many others), Gandalf's sword, toxic fan culture, the challenges of crafting lore in song form, if Hobbit metal exists, and a bad time at Hammerstein Ballroom. Support Foehammer Track featured is "The Great Cortège I - Accession Of The Elder" off Monumentum, out now!