Professional Contestants

Ok, we get it. Maybe we can't just climb into an aquarium and expect to automatically win a bunch of random chance games against some fish. But what if we make ourselves really tiny first? And what if one of us is scuba certified? And what if we get an octopus involved? It probably still wont work, yeah, WE KNOW. At least eating the other contestants isn't explicitly off the table this time. Zach is tickled by the idea of a fish naming another fish, Jared reminds everyone that he is scuba certified, and Adam can't imagine Godzilla running. Talking Points Include: All Hail The King, Godzilla Plus One, Getting Called Out Via Mail, A Televised Screen Saver, Mr. Limpet's Diplomatic Immunity, Dexterous Lips, Feeding Frenzy Friday, A Reverse Shawshank, Two Little Jareds

We love the Queer Eye guys. The things they do to change peoples' lives for the better is pretty great. But if you ask us, it's time for a change. This time, the strong man, the bearded lady, the lion tamer, the clowns, and the ring leader are coming to town. They're here to tell you that you have a gross body and shoot you out of a cannon. All things just keep getting better! Zach is afraid of corn specifically, Jared would pay money to see Joe Biden get shot out of a cannon, and Adam is certified to operate heavy machinery. Talking Points Include: Forklift Certification, Corn of the Corn, Fish Center, A Severe Lack of Fluff, Anti-Host, True False or Something Else, Fixing the Winter Warlock's Gross Body, The Yassification of William H Basset

Shaquille O'Neal is a man who thinks highly of himself. So much so that he created a television show dedicated to him challenging the world's best individuals in every field to competitions in their area of expertise. He rarely, if ever emerges victorious, but we still think he needs to be knocked down a peg or two. Watch out Shaq, The Professional Contestants are about to give you a taste of your own medicine. Zach will beat Shaq in an acting competition, Jared will beat Shaq in a graduate school competetion, and Adam will beat Shaq in a DJing competition. Talking Points Include: Inside Inside The NBA, St. Patricks Plans, Corned Beef Confusion, Tough Love, EDM Subgenres, The Crimes of Penn Jillette, An Educational Program, Channeling Shaq Energy, Roku Game Genie, A State Farm Identity Crisis

When it comes to music trivia, it's safe to say we know a thing or two, and we know more than just current pop music. For example, did you know that way back when the pop charts first started, the first song to top two charts simultaniously was the mega hit "Banging Hot Rocks?" It was number one on both Cave Man Hits and Top Iguana Tracks. The more you know, huh? Zach has never seen a Minion, Jared knows more than one Chumbawamba song, and Adam knowingly burned a CD full of bad songs. Talking Points Include: The Future of Young Sheldon, Gru Is The Dad, One Big Tom Sawyer, Rock Smash, Randy Jackson and The Doofuses, DJ Charles Xavier, Iguana, Beating Mario Twice, Chumbas Drink Free, Bangin Hot Rocks

We here at Professional Contestants aren't exactly what you would call entrepreneurs. We don't claim to be amazing at identifying products with potential and investing in them. But if we have learned anything from reality tv show judges like Mark Cuban, Simon Cowell, and Gordon Ramsay, it's that being mean to the person presenting to us will definitely get us somewhere. Good thing this game show is much more like a realilty show than it is like actual investing. Zach made a globally recognised NCAA PowerPoint, Jared is your go to guy to take a dive, and Adam used to be super into infomercials. Talking Points Include: Talking Points Include: The Big Long Most Dangerous Game, Podcast Betting, NFL Field Day, Tarzan F*** Tarzan, Our Best Risky Buys, Aspirational Eggs, Mark Cuban Tooth Necklace, It's Mean But It Works

If you had to convince someone that you were an expert in something, what would it be? Something broad like "musicians?" Maybe something very specific like "Celebrities on The Simpsons?" What about something unapproachable like "The Golden Age of The Ottoman Empire?"All good ideas, but our tastes lay more along the lines of "That Witch Who Cursed Me and Turned Me Into a Frog." Will you kiss us and make us a prince? Zach is an expert in Magnum, P.I., Jared is an expert in The New Deal, and Adam is an expert in Spongebob Characters. Talking Points Include: New Year Resolutions, SkyHook Revisited, Oink Yoinkers, What Are Nails, An Expert In Kicking Your Ass, Weaponized Double Entendre, What's In My Pocket, Not While I'm Pouring

When you have been creating game show strategies as long as we have, you begin to realize that sometimes its best to play to your strengths. But who would have thought that one of our strengths would be a deep knowledge of the powers associated with The Flash, including how to give someone those powers? As it turns out, it's quite easy to become a Flash. So easy in fact, that even the founding fathers were doing it. Zach reasserts his love for when people fall down, Jared knows a whole lot about Flash, and Adam deosn't believe in Ben Franklin's exploits. Talking Points Include: Yoink Me Sky Daddy, Jackass Origins, YouTube Game Show Archives, How Big is Piglett, Flowers for Flash, Ben Franklin's Delusional Schemes, Dont Touch My AllSpark

Let me start this off by admitting that we have made a mistake. When finding game shows to watch for this podcast we tend to avoid ones that are just trivia questions and ones that are already specifically comedic. Folks, this one is both. However, it does have one unique thing going for it. All the questions are about current events. And sure, we may not keep up with pop culture too closely, but what if we, ourselves, were able to create the 36 biggest headlines of the year? It would sure make remembering them a lot easier. Zach hotboxes his body with farts, Jared has the high score on Sneak King, and Adam adjudicates acceptible double hat scenarios. Talking Points Include: High Fantasy, Our New King of Sleep, Brittish Purge, Hat on a Hat, Osmosis Jones, Nose Farts, Five Good Dunks, Twelve Disguises Each, Royal Family What If

Wow everyone. We are truly getting a once in a lifetime experience with this game show. The chance to be at Disney World, in the Magic Kingdom, after hours. Just us and our friend Mickey Mouse and OH NO SOME EVIL QUEENS?!? Everyone! Quick! Focus on stopping these bad queens from stealing all of the holiday magic from the world! Don't worry about where Mickey is or what he is putting in his car. He is MICKEY after all, he's allowed to be doing that. Zach thought Disney owned the United Kingdom, Jared needs to clarify that this goat is NOT Rob Lowe, and Adam insists Mickey can go anywhere. Talking Points Include: Creating an Anti-Sex Villian, The Scratisphere, Milf-eficent, Is Santa Christian, Disney Adults, A Magic Kingdom Heist, Illicit Memorabilia, Mickey Is Allowed

Every year, Scout Elves appear in the homes of children to watch them, determine if they're naughty or nice, and report back to Santa. At least that's what parents want them to think. We three full grown Professional Contestants know better, and we also know how to leverage the same tactics against our opponents in this "sweet making" competition. You better watch out, you bette not cry, because this elf is a saint and your sins WILL be judged. Zach is confounded by Catholicism, Jared got Grinched, and Adam really hates these elves. Talking Points Include: Christmas Caper Turned Holiday Heist, Sweet Makers, The Elfs' Arbitrary Rules, Throat Blessings, Saint Dog, Saint Elf, Saint Julian Assange

For years, game show producers have been asking the same question over and over: How can I make a boring game interesting for people to watch on television. Like Bingo, for example. Can it make a good game show? As it turns out, no. But if you make it colorful, musical, bilingual, and add a charming host and some salsa dancers you sure can come close. Zach had a perverse Spotify Wrapped, Jared didn't know people could play multiple instruments, and Adam wants Raven Simone in Smash Brothers. Talking Points Include: A Big Captain Jack Year, Sad Movie Talk, Kong In Charge, Game Shows Oompa Loompas, TikTok Live, Grinch Turned Off Body Cam, The Monty Hall Problem, Cheating At Bingo, Groundhog Day Meets National Treasure

Happy belated Snake Day everyone! We once again will be celebrating the only way we know how, by submitting ourselves to the next horrible installment of the Saw franchise. Will Zach pay enough attention to remember the plot of the movie at all? Will Jared be unnecessarily mean to Tobin Bell's performance? Will Adam be able to hide the fact that he actually likes these movies a little bit? Tune in to our sixth installment to find out! Zach skipped part of the movie, Jared has some Oogie Boogie related questions, and Adam remembers the extended plot of Saw way too well. Talking Points Include: A 4DX Experience, Attempting to Summarize Saw, Tobin Bell's Masked Singer, Trap By Trap Breakdown, The Dog Pound, Saw is Becoming Predictable, Jigsaw Family Feud, Importance of Flexibility, A Meta Saw Finale

Picture this. Halloween night is quickly approaching. You are hard at work getting together your costume and want to make sure you have the best possible plans to show it off. You're struggling to find the right event, and then you get the email. You're invited. Frankenstein's birthday. DM for address. What would you do to make it to that party? Answer: absolutely anything. Zach trusts Fester to go get ice, Jared pushes for a Frasier reboot with Dracula, and Adam wants watermellon. Talking Points Include: I Want Watermellon, Mail Corner, Mr. Peabody's March To The Sea, Creepy House/PeePee House, Mount Rushmore of Spooky Figures, Come for Frankenstein Stay for Fester, Frank's Place, Can I Be Frank?, Frankenstein's Presidential Pardon

I think it's safe to say that many CEOs of big companies have daddy issues, and if Inception has taught us anything, it's that by exploiting those daddy issues, you can get said CEO to give up their company. All we need to do is adapt it for our situation. Get rid of all the dream stuff, add a hyper realistic puppet of Jim Henson, maybe a little bit of Leo Dicaprio in a bear suit to boot, and before you know it we'll be the puppet master CEOs of Jim Henson's Creature Shop! Zach insists the Hardy Boys will lead us to victory, Jared thinks Banksy is Gonzo, and Adam wants to do an Ernie. Talking Points Include: Real No Water Emergen-C, Veto Veto Veto, Enjoying The Spooky Season, We Love Puppeteers, First Idea Worst Idea, The First Ever Inside Kiss, Henson Inception, An Exclusive Reveal of Banksy's Identity, The Muppets Do A Manhattan Project

We have once again returned, dear listener, to the time of the year where we celebrate all of the scariest things that game shows have to offer. This year we have definitely stepped it up a notch, because what's scarier than ghosts, skeletons, zombies, or any other traditional Halloween monster? Being naked in the jungle with a stranger for 21 days, of course. Zach wants to King Louie, Jared wants to Shere Kahn, and Adam wants to Kaa. Talking Points Include: Stop On In For A Broom, Bathe For This, A Dora Style Map, Go Go Gadget Corkscrew Dick, The Blade Cave, Jane Goodall's Moving Company, Lo-fi Kaa

Time of death, approximately 7:34 pm. I saw the carnage right there on the television screen. What was once a beautiful intact word had been all jumbled up into a mess of letters, almost unrecognisable from it's original form. But don't you worry, The Unjumblers are on the case. We're gonna find whoever jumbled up these poor words and bring them to justice. Zach has some great Mario Lopez jokes, Jared wants to avoid jury duty, and Adam hates looping TikToks. Talking Points Include: Swarming The Capital, Bees Your Honor, Now Thats What I Call Scootie, Wordle The Game Show, This Meeting Could Have Been A Quibi, Dada for the Digital Age, The Unjumblers, Riddle Me This, Between The Lions

I think we can all agree that one of the worst places for unexpected shenanigans to occur is on an airplane, ESPECIALLY one that is mid flight. So leave it to our old pal Mark L. Walberg to do that exact thing via a game show that should be a crime against humanity. Well, if he can do it, so can we. Our game show's rules are much simpler though: give us $500 or Jared will make the one bathroom on this plane absolutely unusable. Zach dislikes TSA PreCheck, Jared is capable of ruining an airplane bathroom, and Adam's sleep paralsys demon is Lori Lightfoot. Talking Points Include: An Incident in Adam's Bed, Trapping the Meatball Man, Game Show Terrorism, Airplane Etiquette, TSA PreCheck, Sky Law, Give Us The Money, Chili's Three, 2 Fast 2 Dunkin

Picture this. You're feeling cozy. Like, REALLY cozy. Like, on the couch, wrapped up in a blanket, watching your favorite tv show on a cold day cozy. But you're hungry. Like, REALLY hungry. Suddenly, the smell of chocolate chip pancakes wafts in from the other room. Are you getting up to eat those pancakes? Thats right, we know you are. And that's why you'll never beat Jared's world record for coziest boy. Zach is going for the world record in tv shows memorized, Jared is going for the world record in coziest boy, and Adam is going for the world record in Tetris using a drum set as a controller. Talking Points Include: Carmella Creeper Joins The Family, Our Personal Cereal Monster Mash, World Record Flops, Believe It Or Not, Records We Can Break, The Cozyayashi Maru, Binge Scorping, Because I Ate A Hawk

Look, not only is this game show uninteresting, but it is also incredibly easy to win. We had to address it eventually, you know our vow! So in lieu of actually talking about this game show, prepare yourself for an hour or so of bits about the moon landing, Anthony Fauci, and Phantom of the Opera X Mad TV. And if you don't think its funny, you're not allowed to cancel us - because it was improv and those are the rules. Zach can't be paid to watch bad improv, Jared has ten minutes of pre Covid Fauci jokes, and Adam insists everyone should have a favorite pen. Talking Points Include: Back to School, F Word Allowance, The Return of June, Neil Armstrong's Post Moon Career, How to Get a Nickname, Anthony "Ant Bully" Fauci, Don't Be Mad if This Isn't Funny, Peanut Butter Mistrial, Gender Neutral Phantom, If I Dropped It

Let's play Balderdash. The topic is 'Ways to make sure someone is telling the truth.' There's truth serum. There's polygraph tests. There's the birthday wish of a child with a pure heart. Two of these are fake, and one is real. I'll give you a second to think... but it's pretty obvious, right? We agree. Now we just need to figure out how to get Young Sheldon to make a Liar Liar birthday wish for us. Zach thinks Kendrick Lamar eats chalk, Jared will fight Kenickie, and Adam won't accept the existance of truth serum. Talking Points Include: Climbing to Lollapalooza, The Shemar Moore Insitiute for Shirtless Crime Solving, Club Cracker Barrel, The Next Pure Soul, Using Our Hall Passes, The Russos of Hazzard, Prime Time Birthday Wish