Connecting Couples

The vacation is over and now you are headed home. By plane, train or automobile, your body and your relationship are both preparing for impact. The car pulls into the driveway and what happens first? Is there a plan? How long does is take to unload and reset to start back into the routines of regular life. In this final episode of their vacation series, Chad and Angela discuss the things that can go wrong on the return. Chad is ok with going right back to work the next day- the work helps him reset. Angela needs a day to recover and reset so that the house and the family can get back on schedule. From laundry to schedules to grocery shopping to fill back up an empty fridge, listen as the Real Imhoffs talk about real returns from their travels and then have the Connect Point Conversation with your partner so that you can stay connected on your vacations from start to finish. For more information about Chad and Angela, check out their website at: www.therealimhoffs.com

We all hope that once we get to our destination that everything will go smoothly, but inevitably, something will happen that we didn't expect or plan. In this episode Chad and Angela discuss several content issues that can often be places where the unexpected happens. How much to spend, what to eat, making time for physical connection and even worst case scenario events are all possible areas where are best made plans can turn into conflict and disappointment. Just like when cycles show up in distress and hijack the couple, the unexpected things hijack both individuals in the couple. Learning how to align and strategize together will help couples stay connected and flexible and give them the ability to recovery quickly from things that aren't going according to plan. Listen as The Real Imhoffs share real situations and content from their own vacations and then have a conversation with your partner that discusses how to stay aligned and in tune with each other even when everything else feels out of alignment. For more information about Chad and Angela, check out their website at: www.therealimhoffs.com

It would be great if once we got to our destination everything went smoothly and as planned. It just doesn't. Inevitably, something will go wrong and when things do, it can be difficult for couples to repair quickly and get back to enjoyment. In this episode, The Real Imhoffs talk about the real repairs that we have to do when there is a disconnection on our vacation. If we can't repair, then it takes away from the enjoyable experience we spend so much time planning. Being flexible. Assuming positive intent. Remembering that you are on the same team. These are just a few of the things that you'll need to consider to stay connected on your holiday! Listen as Chad and Angela give you examples from their own vacations and then consider having the conversation they cue up that is designed to help you recover quickly when things sideways at your destination. For more information or to contact Chad and Angela, visit their website at: www.therealimhoffs.com

Couples make plans to go on vacation for the adventure, the relaxation, the experiences, but often, the departure is riddled with stress and conflict. In this episode, Chad and Angela discuss what leaving for vacation looks like. Who determines the deadline? What do both individuals have to get done in order for to get on the road on time? There are lots of things that have to align for this to go smoothing, leaving plenty of opportunity for misunderstanding and inaccurate assumptions. Join The Real Imhoffs have they discuss real things that happen when a family tries to depart for vacation, then have a conversation with your partner about how you can make your departure go more smoothly. For more information about Chad and Angela, check out their website at: www.therealimhoffs.com

There are a lot of little decisions that go into taking a family vacation. Starting with the planning stage of deciding where and when, to agreeing on how much to spend, how much leisure versus adventure, how long to stay and what the return home looks like. In this new series, Chad and Angela encourage conversations that help you stay aligned in this process. Pursuers who like to plan can be perceived as controlling. Withdrawers who like to research and know before they make decisions can be perceived as slowing down the process and not having the same goals. Cycles and disconnections can happen quickly around an event that is designed for enjoyment and togetherness. Join The Real Imhoffs as they talk about the different stages of vacationing, from planning to departing to enjoying the time away to packing all up and heading home. Then have a conversation with your partner about what you might want to include on your next vacation. For more information about Chad and Angela, check out their website at: www.therealimhoffs.com

Episode 9: Show Notes First 5 minutes: Intro- Now that they’ve shown you several places where there is tension in their relationship, Chad and Angela start to explain how you can tell there is growth in those areas. Now that you have awareness around some of the content issues, what does continued growth look like. How do you connect in moments of distress? The only person who can really give you assurance in the places where you have past meaning, is your partner. You can’t get the assurance you need from yourself. Feedback from the person who matters the most is what helps inform us that we are ok. Angela explains that in those hard places, she needs to know that Chad is on her team. In the past, they used to just ‘hit the gas’ without understanding that something was happening. Now, they can slow down and acknowledge the other person’s experience. They can now take care of each other differently because they have been able to talk about it. Minutes 5-10: You can’t remove all of the triggers in the world. All you can do is give and get assurance that even it goes wrong, you’ll be ok. A lot of energy is spent trying to get it right. It would take pressure off and decrease the energy we use if we could get some space to fail and still find acceptance from our partner. Angela explains that for pursuers, when she knows Chad is on her team, and he is there to help her, she can be more flexible with the plans she is holding on to for safety. There is escalated energy around past would that is used to try to keep us safe can shift if we have assurance from our partner. Chad explains that if he is spending energy and effort trying to get things perfect, then he is missing the moments- and, there is no perfect thing anyway. The only way he can get it right if he lets someone else into the space- who he knows is for him. Minutes 10-15: Both sides of the cycle, once they sink down from the surface protection, end up turning on themselves and becoming their own worse critic. Everyone needs assurance- that our partners are there for us. We lose confidence in the assurance of our connection when we get into these negative cycles that are informed by our past wounds. That is why we need to be able to slow down and evaluate ‘where did it go wrong?’ If a couple can slow down and share each other’s experience and do repairs around the miss, then they have a better chance of getting it better (not perfect) next time the familiar content shows up. If you can say, ‘I feel myself doing this thing…’ and let you partner know what is happening, you have a better chance of getting ahead of it. We feel understood by the other person when we can explain our experience and share it and get responded to. Minutes 15-20: Often people would say, “shouldn’t you go work on that,” or “you need to go to therapy,” but the one place where we need assurance is in our most valued relationship. When our partners can know us in our insecure places and give us assurance and affirmation, we have better chance of getting the healing we need around these spots that can hijack us. Often, these past wounds or ‘raw spots’ cause us to be self-focused. We get into protection mode and lose our connection with each other. Angela explains a little bit about big ‘T’ trauma and little ‘t’ trauma. When it’s a big even that is traumatic, it can be easier to identify and therefore you can get the help or healing you need around those big occurrences. When there are little themes and meanings and messages that have caused pain over time, it can be harder to identify them and therefore harder to know how to find healing from its influence. Minutes 20-23: If we can break down what is happening, we have a better chance to make a decision- together- if anything needs to change. Definitely get help and healing around the huge things that have hurt you, but also… make an effort to understand what influenced some of the little things that have shaped...

Episode 8: Show Notes First 5 minutes: Intro- Chad and Angela are breaking down content so you can get into the process and ask yourself what is going on? In this episode Chad breaks down some of his “Raw Spots” around money. He explains that growing up his family was poor and therefore he thinks about spending. He feels the need to be fragile with the money he has. Angela explains that they have been trying to get you to recognize patterns in your interactions so you can start to ask, what is at play and is ‘this’ a raw spot or is this something else? The key is to note where the tension is and have a conversation about it. Where have you felt this tension before in your relationship and possibly even where have you felt this before- before your relationship. Early in their relationship, Angela explains that she noticed Chad was in a process that didn’t look familiar to her. So she began to ask Chad about what was going on. Minutes 5-10: Chad admits that there is tangible energy in the process that he is in around spending. Chad and Angela discuss the cycle they got in around him spending, specifically what Chad needs from Angela as a response when he brings it up. To help you understand how to break down the content, Chad and Angela talk you through their discussion around purchasing. Chad starts off by mentioning that it’s not only around big purchases, but that he is also in a process around smaller purchases. For clarity, Angela explains that while she can see or sometimes feel the tension around the big purchases, she was unaware that he was also struggling to make smaller purchases. Chad explains that big or small, he feels strongly that how he spends money matters. When these ‘raw spots’ come up, it is likely that your partner won’t know how you feel because their experience is different than yours. Angela shares that she does not have a problem buying items, so it was hard for her to understand what was happening for him. Minutes 10-15: To break down the differences for you, Angela explains that in the 11 years they have been together, she has had the same vehicle, but Chad has had 7 different vehicles and in every case there was a challenging conversation around the purchase. They share a story about buying a car for one dollar that he could fix and sell, and even making a dollar purchase took a lot of time and energy and effort trying to make sure it was the right choice. The trap that can happen in a relationship is that it is difficult for the partner to bring up the process they see in the other partner without it landing like criticism. They explain that if the partner can approach with curiosity and an accepting tone, there is a better chance that you can get into the process that is at play. Angela says to Chad with curiosity- “Hey, something is happening for you, and I don’t understand it. Can you help me understand?” Angela brings up 2 specific content topics that explains times when she misunderstood what he needed from her. One was about getting a third bike and the other was about upgrading watches. Minutes 15-20: It is helpful in this process if both partners can be clear about what they are presenting or what they need. Their cycle happens when Chad present a topic of purchase and Angela isn’t sure what he needs from her? Chad starts to ask questions about why it is a difficult process for him to make a purchase. Angela mentions why there has been tension added to this process because she was critical and even accused him of buying being an idol or over-spending. He realized that he doesn’t feel that he can ever get the purchase right. As soon as he purchases any item, it is outdated. Chad says, making a purchase, even a needed one, never provides relief, it only provides stress. Chad starts to explain what he needs which includes assurance and verbalizing that Angela believes in his ability to make a good purchase. Minutes 20-23: It turns out that it really isn’t’...

Episode 7: Show Notes First 5 minutes: Intro- Chad and Angela are bringing up another example of a place where they got into a cycle. They break down the content and help you understand how they had a different conversation about it. The content of this ‘fight’ is building a play structure in the back yard, which is harder than it sounds because of the slope of their backyard. As they are making plans to build it, they begin to bring their idea forward of how it should go. They agree on the majority of it. They found a used structure that they could use as a base and build on it. Angela explains that ‘step 1’ of their process is that she draws out what it will look like when it is complete and even spells out the steps she believes will achieve the desired final outcome. Minutes 5-10 For the most part, they work well together in the start of the project. Chad seem accommodating to Angela’s idea and they continue. As it comes together, they are both working and getting along. There is a moment in a project like this where something happens and the tone shifts. There is a specific task where they have a different idea about how it should go. Several hours in, they get into a cycle where they both are ‘fighting’ for doing the project the way one of them thinks it should be done. Angela explains that at this specific point, she realizes that she can’t do this without Chad, so she has to relent. If she keeps fighting, it won’t get complete, and at that point, it getting done is more important than it being done the way she thinks it should be done. Minutes 10-15: At this point Chad and Angela slot the conversation and try to identify things from family of origin that are influencing their interaction. Angela brings up that they both come from parents who feel strongly that ‘being right matters.’ So when both of them feel that they are right, they can shift into a position where they are attacking the other person’s position to win their own. Another thing at play from the past is that both Chad and Angela come from parents who were engineers and are problem solvers, so they both have seen what is required to get a task done. Chad discusses that it might be stubborn, but stubborn gets stuff done. And both of them feel that they know what is needed to get the project done. As Chad and Angela continue to discuss what happened in this scenario, they realize that Chad actually becomes a Pursuer when they take on a construction project. In Sue Johnson’s book Hold Me Tight, this is a “Demon Dialogue” fight called “Find the Bad Guy” when there is a double pursue. Minutes 15-20: Angela is a Pursuer, but in this setting, where Chad starts to Pursue, Angela realizes that if she continues to pursue her idea, there is a chance she will lose Chad and then the project won’t get done. They both articulate that they would prefer if they could overcome this and get along instead of them getting into a cycle around these projects. Once the project is complete, they can look back and appreciate the unique contribution that the other person brought to the project, but in the moment, it is harder to see. This is why they review it after and discuss what went wrong. Connect Point: In this connect point we want you to consider if there are any areas where you flip your role or strategy. Is there any content in your relationship where the pursuer becomes the withdrawer or the withdrawer starts to pursue more? If so, how do you navigate it? Consider our fight around building projects and have a conversation with your partner about places where this might show up in your own relationship. For more information about Chad and Angela Imhoff, visit their website at: www.therealimhoffs.com

Episode 6: Show Notes First 5 minutes: Intro- Chad and Angela are bringing to you different areas where they have tension in our interactions and show you have to navigate the conversations. Both of us have experiences that are valid and deserve to be responded to, but when they push up against each other, who gets seen or heard? We’re trying to determine if some of these are “Raw Spots” or past wounds, or if they are something else. T.E.M.P.: There is a Trigger, that brings an Emotion on line in our bodies, that activates a Meaning and moves us to Action. The topic that the Real Imhoffs discuss in this episode is ordering food at a restaurant. Minutes 5-10: Chad explains the process that happens for him when he orders food and it doesn’t come out to the expectation, and that makes him want to send the food back. Angela discusses the tension they experience because she has a different experience than he does that pushes against how he is going to respond. A couple will often try to mitigate the problem without ever discussing it. Each person will make adjustments to how they have typically behaved and it hasn’t gone well, so each individual is trying to solve the problem on their own. Minutes 10-15: The goal for this is to be able to discuss patterns that are negative or that create tension and see if you can identify what is happening and can you solve the problem together to figure out what could make it better or different. Can you identify what is going on and is it a raw spot or not? Are there any past experiences that could be influencing what is happening in the present? Angela discusses past experiences from childhood that trigger embarrassment and how those come on line when Chad wants to send food back. Minutes 15-20: Here is how you have the conversation- you have to be able to acknowledge that both Chad and Angela have valid experiences that deserve to been seen and responded to, but their experiences push up against each other and that is where the tension is. Often a couple will just avoid these experiences where they can’t navigate the tension. Chad and Angela want couples to be able to have conversations about what is causing the tension and what they both need to show up for each other in these moments. Connect Point: We want you to consider how external expectations impact your internal conversations. Can the two of you how a conversation about what you both may need when external expectations did not get met and you might not see eye to eye on how to decrease the tension. For more information about Chad and Angela Imhoff, visit their website at: www.therealimhoffs.com

Episode 5: Show Notes First 5 minutes: Intro- Chad and Angela have given a few clear examples of ‘Raw Spots’ that they had previously identified in their relationship, but now what to discuss how you know if it’s just a trigger or a little cycle, or if there is something deeper. Often times our past wounds can be around family rules or family patterns that shaped us over time but now longer work in our present relationship. Is this just an irritable day where we feel disconnected or is this something we need to unpack and shift? Some of these family rules might even be why a couple connected in the first place, but now we can evaluate if some of those need to change. As a point of reference, it would be good to go back and listen to our series called “Staying Tuned In,” where we discuss how we send clear messages to each other when we are aligned and connected, but that sometimes we send a distorted messages and the confusion can send a couple into a cycle. Minutes 5-10: One of the ways you can unpack a past wound is to pay attention to the times when the messages that are being communicated are distorted or confusing to understand. The first point of possibly unpacking a past wound or past influence is to recognize when the messages between the two of you start to get distorted. Is one person sending a confusing message? Or is one person having a challenge understanding the message. If so, you might slow down there and recognize that something deeper is at play. Chad and Angela bring up a family rule that is causing tension between then and they start to unpack what else might be at play. The rule is around the content of being sick, or unproductive, or resting. The rule might be, if you aren’t doing something that contributes value, then you are valuable. Minutes 10-15: A few examples are shared that start unpacking where this unwritten influence is at play. On vacations, it is important to get the most out of your time off. When Angela was pregnant, there was an underlying message during the second trimester, when she got sick and couldn’t do much, there was a deep down lie about feeling worthless if she wasn’t doing something. One of the reasons Chad and Angela coupled and work well together is because they share a capacity to do a lot. They both share the same family rules around ‘doing’ and it has been a virtue- however- it is no longer working in their family- therefore they are trying to have a discussion about what is at play and how to change it. Angela’s family of origin, modeled for her that there was always something to do. Even around play and rest- camping, fishing, traveling… there is work. There is packing and unpacking and cleaning up. Their experiences have allowed them to have full and productive experiences, but they are both discussing the need to slow down and rest more. Minutes 15-20: We need feedback in order to know how we are doing. Feedback from our community, our family, our friends, in our circles, we see how others do things and then ask ourselves if we need to adjust how we do it. Sometimes we find that our choices fit us and we like them- so we can decide to keep them. But sometimes we recognize that our way isn’t working anymore and seeing how others do things gives us permission consider adjusting it. What are the rules and rhythms of your life? Do you like them? If you do great- healthy people have good rhythms? Can you change the things that aren’t working, or is there a reason that you are being held to a choice based on past influence? Connect Point: Take a few minutes and consider if there are any things that you continue to do as a rhythm or a routine that you learned in your childhood that you continue to do now. Do you like these things? Or would you like to consider changing them and why. Have a conversation with your partner about making new rules around some of the choices that were influences by your past patterns. For more information about...

Episode 4: Show Notes First 5 minutes: Intro- Can you identify when these past wounds get triggered in a present interaction and the tie it back to something that happened in your past. This process happens in an order and needs to go slow. Don’t try to jump to the healing, if you can’t identify what is going on and what it is tied to. The good news is that we get to be the person who shows up in our partner’s pain and provide a secure attachment where healing can happen. Once you’ve identified a “Raw Spot” or past wound that is showing up and influencing an reaction in your present, it doesn’t mean you never get triggered again, it only means that you’ve clarified what is happening and you can articulate it, share it with your partner and also get a response that has the potential to adjust your response. Minutes 5-10: You have to start with the questions; Do you want to change this? And are you ready to work on this right now? You have options and you get to decide if and when you want to engage this. What do you want to do with some of these responses that are emended in past wounds? If you want to change or adjust or at the very least, identify what is happening, then there is work to be done. You have to be able to 1) Notice what is happening to me, 2) I know the story around the event or events that shaped the response, 3) I know where it came from and can feel the feelings associated with this trigger- I can identify the ingredients of the soup. Then I want to be able to do something different than the move that I have done in the past. You have to be able to recognize that I don’t like my move in this place, and I want to do some work so I can change my response. It’s vulnerable to do this. The goal isn’t to get rid of all of these traits, but to have awareness and know what is happening and invite my partner into it so we can have a strategy around adjusting the response. Minutes 10-15: Chad tells a story about his heater going out in the middle of winter when he lived in Michigan in his 20s. The story he tells is about the messages that were reinforced around fixing things and how it is a benefit. It isn’t necessarily a bad thing that he has a response to broken things that he should try to fix them. However, he recently had a more negative response around something that wasn’t getting fixed and was out of his control. This past winter, the heater broke and Chad new what the problem was, but the part was on back-order with supply chain issues with not target date to resolve the issue. When Angela asked Chad, “when is the heater going to get fixed?” It didn’t’ land like a question, it landed like an accusation that Chad was failing. They had to discuss the process and unpack the deeper messages that were influencing Chad’s response. Minutes 15-20: Angela’s response wasn’t great at first. At first she tried to talk him out of the feelings by saying, “you shouldn’t feel this way.” But then, she adjusted- and tried to explain that it wasn’t his fault and she could see it. The person who gets triggered, has to be able to do the work- and the work is- self-reflection. This is what just happened to me and this is the trigger and the meaning I’ve assigned to it. Then, that person has to choose to let their partner it, then the partner has to responds in a way that is accepting and supportive. Your response is valid- and it’s unfair that you have that experience and now your body responds in a negative way around that content, but it’s ok- we’re going to work through this together. We have a different dialogue around what is happening in those triggering moments. Connect Point: We want to you take some time and ask yourself- what is an area that I can acknowledge comes from my past, that can show up like a benefit to us most of the time, but that I can sometimes have a undesired response around. See if you can identify the good and the bad of it and share it with your partner. For...

Episode 3: Show Notes First 5 minutes: Intro- The hard thing about “Raw Spots” is that first you have recognize that something is happening, then you have understand where it came from, and then, it would be good if you could share it with your partner so that you can get an accepting response. ALL HARD, especially when you’ve never done them before. Angela sets up the story of her ‘Raw Spot’. When they had been dating for about 3 months, Chad bought Angela a necklace. He hoped that she would respond well, but the response was very unexpected. Minutes 5-10: Angela had a trigger and couldn’t identify what was going on- she turned on him and criticized that he bought her jewelry. They were left with the question, ‘What Just Happened?’. Thank you might have been a better response. The jewelry wasn’t over the top. It was nice. Looking at the situation now, it’s sad. Angela can see that her response was out of the ordinary. She had shame around her response and they decided to talk about it. Angela realized her internal process when she gets a gift. In the process, Angela decided she needed to dig deeper and Chad was able to ask, “when else have you felt like this?” This ties the thing in the present to experiences that have happened in the past. Angela began to realize that her body feels a pressure or expectation around how to respond to the gifts. She also has felt it on behalf of other people at birthdays, baby showers, wedding showers, etc… Once you recognize that there is a trigger, and you can identify the content where the trigger shows up, you can start to unpack or put words to the meaning that is assigned to the experience. Minutes 10-15: What are the ingredients of the soup? In that moment, we need to break down all the different feelings in the moment. For Angela- around gift giving, there is fear, expectation, needed gratitude, and other feelings that would shut her down. Angela’s family of origin, often used gifts to do repairs, instead of words. Some of the meaning Angela applied to the gifts meant I couldn’t talk about my pain, or there would be no apology for the harsh words that preceded the gift. The hardest or most unfair part about a raw spot is that Chad likes to give gifts. So something he likes to do is the very thing that causes me to feel pain. So in order to try and get some healing around this specific wound, we need to ask, “when is the first time you felt that (or had the soup)?” Can you identify some of the root experiences that really assigned the meaning to the trigger. Angela clarified the specific feelings that are triggered are about the expectation she has to respond correctly to the gift. Minutes 15-20: Where this really started to be a bigger problem is when their daughter wanted to start giving Angela gifts. She had to really get some repair around the wound of receiving gifts so that her response could shift. It is unfair for Chad and for their daughter that Angela has a wound around receiving gifts. First, you have to have a awareness that something from your past is at play. Then, a great question to ask is, where have I felt this before. If you can tie the thing happening in the present to another moment when you felt this same thing in the past, you can start to identify the ‘ingredients in the soup.” It can be tricky because these raw spots are so personal, that often the partner has no understanding of the feelings or the meaning around the trigger. The thing that raw spots exposes is how different our experiences are around specific content. Connect Point: See if you can identify a raw spot or heightened trigger and first try to identify some of the ‘ingredients in the soup’ then ask yourself, ‘when have I felt this before’ to see if you can tie it back to a previous time this happened to you. Then, have a conversation with your partner and share your experiences with each other. For more information about Chad and Angela Imhoff, visit...

Show Notes First 5 minutes: Intro- We’re trying to bring forward the idea that you have residue from a past wound and your present relationship is triggering that pain and neither of you know that this cycle is based on meaning from past pain. It’s normal for us to react to pain this way. These aren’t even “big T traumas” but more a thing that happened over and over where you have developed a pattern of responses. A friend helped me realize that I learned these responses from reoccurring events that I experienced from my family. Like how metal is bent. Over time, metal is heated up and tapped and heated up and tapped and heated up and tapped… and that is how metal is bent. It’s not one time, it’s a series of reoccurring events that teach us how to respond. The Big T traumas are usually isolated events that our bodies can identify as events that need to be processed. But the little tones and rules and responses that we learn subtly are the things that can get bumped in our present relationship. Minutes 5-10: When these things show up in our present relationship- it is easy to blame the present interaction for the pain. But in reality, we get the opportunity to show up for our spouse and help them heal in these moments of distress. There is nobody that can help you frame how you see yourself better than your partner. How we noticed a “raw spot” that Chad had. Angela would ask, “Did you feed the dogs?” Chad heard the question and had a reaction. Minutes 10-15: At this point- the first time we experienced this- we did not know why he was having the reaction. Several months later, it happened again. Angela asks, “Did you feed the dogs?” and Chad has a reaction that is bigger than the situation merits. We started to notice that there is patterned response- but we don’t know why. Angela starts to try to adjust how she asks the question. Adjustments are being made to try to have a better interaction, but we still have not identified what is actually happening for Chad when Angela asks, “Did you feed the dogs?” A cycle is at play, adjustments are being made, and neither of the partners knows what is bring triggered. Can you identify that a response is ‘out of the ordinary’ that might be triggering something from your past? Outside of the context of the situation we had a conversation about what was happening that brought up the question for Chad- “where have I felt this before?” It reminded Chad of being a kid and getting in trouble for not doing chores. Minutes 15-20: Even though we are now aware of what is coming up, it doesn’t mean he won’t get triggered again. It only means we have better awareness and now we want to help our partner find some healing around a wound or at least try to re-write the meaning around what the trigger is saying. Connect Point: In this connect point we want you to reflect on your family of origin. If you, let’s say, did not feed the dogs, or did not complete a chore, what was your family’s response to you getting it wrong.” See if you can identify your family’s response and share it with your partner. For more information about Chad and Angela Imhoff, visit their website at: www.therealimhoffs.com

Connection Couples Podcast: Healing Wounds from the Past Series Episode 1: How Wounds Show Up First 5 minutes: Intro- How do would from our past show up in our present relationships. Sue Johnson, the founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy, wrote a book called Hold Me Tight, where she discusses 7 conversations that she suggests couples need to have to stay securely connects. In the second conversation she discusses “raw spots”. These are wounds from our past that get bumped or exposed in our current relationship. Have you ever bumped a bruise that you didn’t know you had and you ask yourself, “where did that bruise come from?” You don’t know it’s there until it gets bumped. This happens with our wounds also. Our partners can accidentally bump or expose unresolved pain from our past. They can be the person who seems to cause the pain in our present, but the reality is that they are bumping residue or unresolved pain from our past that never got responded to. Past-relational distress disorder. PRDD?? When pain from our past is unresolved and un-responded to, our body brings it back up. Minutes 5-10: We get injured by relationships. Our body holds that pain. Then, in our closest, most intimate relationship- those places where are body was holding pain- show up. Our partner can touch parts of our identity more than anyone else can. Our strategy to survive that pain can often be to ‘wall it off’ or shut it down. But our partner is now closer to us than anyone else and we are building safety and security, so our body is now bringing up things that need healing. Our present partner- when there is a secure connection- can help our bodies heal, in our present, from our past pain. The question is, how does this past pain show up? Often times we can blame what is happening in our present. It can be hard to tie it back to our past pain. This series will discuss how to identify those spots and how to ask your partner to respond to. Minutes 10-15: A few of the markers that let you know a past wound might be coming up. Have you ever been in a cycle (example- Chad slow blinks, Angela increases energy, and the cycle plays out), that escalates more quickly than a typical cycle- and it leaves you asking, “What just happened?” It’s fast and it feels more urgent than a normal interaction. Or maybe there was not a cycle at play, but something happens, and now because of that ‘thing’ getting bumped you are in a cycle, but can’t identify why. There is a good possibility that neither one of you knew there was a there. We’ve used the acrostic TEMP before, but considering it… the raw spot or past pain is in the M- the meaning. The trigger brings up a feeling that reminds us of a past pain. Example- Chad was playing basketball in junior high and sprains his ankle. He is told to ‘walk it off’. Chad learns that he doesn’t need to complain about pain. Minutes 15-20: Locking the pain down and pushing through worked in a junior high game, but doesn’t work in intimate relationships. This shows up in our present relationship- if (Angela) notices something is wrong, it is hard to bring up because she is bringing attention to pain that he (Chad) is trying to keep locked down. It’s hard for her to respond to him if the deeper message is that he is not allowed to talk about the pain. Another example- when our daughter switched to real food, but wouldn’t finish all the food on her plate, Chad would sometimes eat off her plate and when he did- Angela reacted. The reaction was heightened and urgent and didn’t make sense for the content that was playing out. It was a past wound from before this relationship. These first examples aren’t the worst injuries we’ve had. These are just a glimpse at a few content topics that have shown up in our relationship that are wounds from our past where we have assigned meaning and are now reacting in our present to something from our past. Time does NOT heal all wounds. We want to be able to identify that a wound is there...

Connection Couples Podcast: Addiction Series Episode 14: Responding to Pain Show Notes Intro & First 5 minutes: Alternative Responses that come up for couples who have experienced addiction. Once there has been health and sobriety, things feel better, however, if we never go back and discuss and open up the pain, then the body holds onto it. Addiction ‘takes’ a lot from the person and from the relationship. It’s important to, when the couple is in a more stable place, go back and discuss the losses so they can grieve. Early on when there are apologies and responses, anger and resentment tends to be some of the first emotions or feelings that present themselves. But once the anger is responded to and the trust is rebuilt, sadness and grief is what presents. 5-10 minutes: The sadness can be new- when there has been so much anger and protection. People who struggle with addiction tend to go away from pain- so to consider now going into the pain with purpose is hard. The opposite of addiction isn’t only connection- it’s connection around pain, where the person has gone to other things for comfort. We (Chad and Angela) are both people who tend to outperform our pain. This concept is hard for us. Asking our partner to sit with us in pain is hard enough as it is. It’s even harder when the pain has been caused by our partner’s behaviors. 10-15 minutes: Your ability to enjoy life and relationships is directly related to your ability to grieve and go through loss. If not, you wall off so many parts of yourself you feel isolated and disconnected. The parts are- be sad for it and experience it, but then also be able to put it down. Honoring what it is that your body is trying to say when the pain comes up is what we are trying to acknowledge. A person who is in relationship with someone who struggles with addiction has mistrust and is holding pain from it that has never been acknowledged or responded to because it’s never been the right time. Couples that can bring up the pain, share it and discuss it, and grieve together, sure up their relationship in remarkable ways. 15-20 minutes: It’s a hard thing to go into, but if you can ask, “what have we lost due to addiction?” You can break it down practically and write down time, dollar amount of what the addiction costed, but then also try to consider the emotional impact… that it has cost joy and connection that takes a long time to rebuild. Pain is the emotion we are focusing on, but anger, shame, resentment and more are going to be pretty close to this pain and you should expect for them to show up too. Anger and shame are emotions that are very normal to experience in this process. You might need help navigating this. A therapist. A Sponsor. Someone or a couple who has been through this and understands. Connect Point: In this connect point we want you to consider how you respond to pain and then share that with your partner. In order for our partner to be able to respond to our pain, it is important for them to understand our habits around pain. Take a few minutes to see if you can share with your partner some of the ways you respond to pain and disappointment. To find out how to connect with Chad and Angela, visit their website at: www.therealimhoffs.com

Connection Couples Podcast: Addiction Series Episode 13: Relapse Show Notes First 5 minutes: Intro- Relapse is part of the process. What happens in your relationship when the ‘addicted’ person relapses? Does it mean you are back at square one? Addiction and coping strategies are fluid, meaning periods and seasons of health and wellness tend to fluctuate. We can be healthy for a while, then get triggered and fall back into old patterns. It doesn’t mean we are back at zero. Minutes 5-10: Our bodies hold and remember how painful ‘square one’ was, which is why relapse can trigger feelings of those old pains. Our brains go back to the pain that the earlier interactions caused. One of the signs that you aren’t at square one is that your awareness of the process is already more advanced than where you used to be. Relapse doesn’t have to mean going all the way back into the habit the way it used to be used. It can mean just leaning back on old habits during a time of trigger or stress. This can often add shame into the awareness process, which tends to perpetuate the habit. It’s important to make the distinction, is it a ‘relapse’ is it a ‘slip up’… what is the narrative around ‘usage’? Sometimes asking a few deeper questions can reveal the differences from the former usage to the current behavior of resorting back to it. Minutes 10-15: 3 or things to look for around relapse. 1. Did the person who went back to the habit know that they didn’t want to do it. Is there an awareness. 2. Did they come forward and share their mistake- versus getting caught. 3. How long did they stay back in the former habit? Relapse, like addiction- is a continuum. The key is to pay attention to what part of the structures you put into place areas that still need work. Community, accountability, access to things… there might be areas that need to be sured up- and a slip up or relapse will reveal where those weaknesses are. Trust is still being built in the newness of the health and both partners are only just learning the new ways to build security. Minutes 15-20: There is a benefit to analyzing a relapse. Where did the disconnect happen and how can you adjust moving forward. If you can zoom out and look at the process- the relapse or the triggers and challenges, you’ll be confronted by are predictable. It’s easy to slip out of the new routines when the newness wares off. When new trusts are being built, and someone messes up, it is easy to go to blame and forget that there is an interaction happening between two people. The cycle is at play even in the new choices. Affirming again that a relapse doesn’t put you back to square one- because you should have lots of new resources to turn to. Connect Point: In this connect point we want you to do- take a few minutes and assess the support and structures you have put into place to help you feel secure in your recovery. Then share it with your partner. To read more about what Chad and Angela Imhoff are doing, check out www.therealimhoffs.com

Episode 12: Recap and Resources Show Notes First 5 minutes: Intro- In order to navigate these hard places, we often need a guide. We need help. We encourage you find resources and use them so that you can start to adjust the very strategies you needed when you were in an unhealthy place. In this final episode of this series we are going to do a recap and offer resources. You might have tuned into this because someone told you to or because you wanted insight on your specific issue, but we may have missed it, because it’s impossible to cover all the outliers and nuances of this topic. Often times people talk about what you need to STOP doing when it comes to an addiction, but we want to emphasize what TO DO. These five things help you get healthy and stay healthy. 1. Set safe guards in your life the remove the item you struggle with. Try to put some distance between you and your temptations. 2. Try to have self-awareness around some of your triggers and experiences are. Learning what is causing you to want the thing and what you think that thing will offer can help you make the adjustments you need. 3. What does it look like to self-care? Do you know what brings you joy and helps you feel well? Often it can be something that gets you moving or something that stimulates your brain. Minutes 5-10: 4. Relationships is the fourth thing to consider. Its more than just a person. It is more of a community or group of people who understand my process and knows me. 5. The last one is knowing your story. Being able to embrace our own process, maybe even doing an inventory. We’re reflecting on the scaffolding that the addict can put in place to become healthier, but we also want to reiterate the impact of a healthy attached partner. It’s not a goal for the partner to be the accountability partner of the addict, but we do encourage you to consider the strategies you developed during the addiction that you might need to shift in this healthier season. We encourage both individual and couple’s therapy to discuss some of the long term consequences and damage that might need to be repaired. Addiction is the opposite of connection. To really start to shift the cycle of addiction, you need to consider going toward the places that need to be responded to and cared for. We not only get health around the ‘thing’, but we also build a healthier connection in our relationship. We believe that even the hardest scenarios overcome and find healing and health. Minutes 10-15: We have hope for you, whatever process you are in. There is a way to replace disconnection and addiction with repair and connection. There is a way to find new community and new habits and a new way of living. Our culture tells us so many of the wrong things will satisfy us, but we have to have hope from something else. We believe that there is hope in God, but we also have hope that someone is going to show up for us, even if we have never experienced that. If you can’t show up for your partner because there has been too much damage, we encourage you to get help. If you can clarify what the pain is and get responded to by a therapist or support group, then you can possibly consider starting to take that pain to your partner, and being there to respond to your partner’s pain. A few of the resources that we’ve already mentioned and want to reiterate: Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, and of the secular anonymous groups. Celebrate Recovery, is a faith based 12-step program that covers all the issues and is available nationwide also. You can check out www.celebraterecovery.com for a location near you. We also recommend that if you get into therapy, that you see an Emotionally Focused Therapist. You can go do the website: www.iceeft.com to find an EFT therapist near you. Connect Point: In this connect point we want you to consider, what is the next step you need to take to be a healthier person? To learn more about Chad and Angela...

Episode 11: The Partner of Addiction Show Notes First 5 minutes: Intro- Now that your partner has a stretch of sobriety, the partner of the addict has to adjust the tendencies of control and over managing- that were required when the addict was using- but that are now not helpful for the relationship. Diving in to the other side of addiction, looking at the partner of someone who has had an addiction. The first thing we notice is just how hard the person is working to maintain balance in the home. The partner of the addict often is the one picking up all the slack to make sure everything runs ok AND in all that doesn’t give up on the relationship. Things like- create activities to keep the kids busy to they don’t feel the lack, continually checking the bank accounts to make sure they have security, over managing schedules and plans to try and mitigate any misses, etc… The reason this is hard is because the partner is doing SOOO much to help that it is completely unfair to imply that their behaviors are now part of the addictive cycle. Minutes 5-10: In order to maintain everything, the partner has to manage so much, and can’t rely on the addict, and now that there is a stretch of sobriety and health, you have to release some of the things that you had to take on. Just like the addict has to learn to replace the bad choices with healthy ones, the partner to the addict has to consider replacing some of the controlling tendencies with something else that is healthier for the relationship. There are some deeper questions worth considering when you are the partner of a person who struggled with addiction. One question to consider is… what about me chose a person who chose addiction. It is easier to blame the addict for the being the problem then to consider how my responses or behaviors might be contributing to the problem. Minutes 10-15: We cannot say enough that this is hard to hear, hard to consider, hard to take in, hard to believe. It is good to acknowledge that the partner’s behaviors to keep everything going were needed to keep everything going, but now things have to shift. Here are some practical action steps that the partner can consider. The first is awareness. Self-awareness and self-care are important for the partner to have regardless of the addict choices. Several series ago we talked about how the wounded or hurt partner needs to be able to distill down their pain, then share it in a way that the partner can respond to. It’s a hard shift to for the partner to start to see the former addict as a resource versus a liability. The more we can clarify our internal messages the more likely we can get the response we need. Minutes 15-20: For these injuries that happened in the height of the unhealthy behavior, both partners have to realize that there was no way to address it in the moment. The partner was only surviving the addict’s choices. Now that they have sobriety and awareness, there is an opportunity to build security where there were gaping wounds and pain. It’s nearly impossible. Because your partner has failed you in your past, you have built rigid systems that have not failed you, and now we’re asking you to consider putting aside the thing that has not failed you, and try to rely on the thing that has failed you. We understand this is unfair and also really difficult. However, if we continue to behave as though our partner is still unhealthy, even though there has been evidence that suggests they are healthier, chances are we will not be able to embrace the change and therefore actually be pushing against it. Specifically, in regard to pornography, it isn’t only that the addictive behavior sends a message that the addict is not ok, but also might imply internally to the partner that maybe they aren’t enough or aren’t good enough. It pushes on the partner ‘view of self’. Minutes 20-25: In this process we are asking the partner to step into their pain and their experience...

Episode 10: Attachment Injuries Show Notes First 5 minutes: Intro- We have to go back, not to say I’m sorry, but to say that I recognize that damage I’ve caused has left a lasting impact and I hate that impact and want to make up for it. Still talking about addiction and how it impacts relationships. Trying to provide a framework for understanding addition more and the long term impact it has on both partners. In this episode we’ll be discuss the long term damage that the addictive behavior caused and how important it is to go back and repair where there was damage done. Scenario- year three of sobriety after ten years of not drinking. Things have been going well, but the relationship still doesn’t feel as connected it could. On a random day, the addict comes home late and the partner freaks out. The partner is panicking because of the damage done in the ten hard, bad years, even though there has been three good years. Minutes 5-10: The partner who did the damage has to be able to acknowledge that even though there has been several good years and sobriety, there is still residue from the past that the partners body is holding onto. At the time the damage was being done- in real time- no one had the wherewithal to recognize the damage. Then, there were years working on sobriety and getting healthy, but also no attention was given to the pain caused in the bad years. At some point, the couple needs to go back and acknowledge the pain that was caused and repairs and amends need to be made, so that the partners body and start to have more assurance in the places of mistrust. It’s hard and shaming and embarrassing to go back into the damage, but it is necessary for the attachment to be repaired. Minutes 10-15: This is a message that says, go through recovery together! It is helpful for the partner to see the work that the addict has been doing. The partner needs assurance that the addict isn’t going to make the same choices and being able to acknowledge the damage that was done is a good way to give that assurance. There are so many things that could have caused some damage, and therefore it’s important to make sure that they are acknowledged and repaired. This isn’t about blame and ownership out of revenge or anger. This is about the person who caused pain circling back to rebuild trust in places where trust was lost. This is hard. Minutes 15-20: This is so hard because at this point there is already so much work into healthier living. We are asking the addict to go back into pain that they avoided for good reason. So to have to set aside all the hard work they have been doing and go back into past mistakes and pain, it feels crazy. It would be easy to feel attacked and criticized when your partner gets triggered, but if you can recognize that it is only their body alarming them and you can help calm them, it changes your ability to respond. This is a complex maneuver that requires awareness and healing. You have be capable of recognizing that something you did in your past is still affecting your partner in their present and you have the opportunity to help them heal. Minutes 20-25: From Sue Johnson’s Hold Me Tight, or the workshops we do, Created for Connection, there is something called a Raw Spot where there is a wound or a painful injury that needs attention. Connect Point: Can you consider if you’ve made a choice in your relationship that had consequences that affected your partner and can you acknowledge what the choice was and how it affected them, and then discuss it with your partner. To read more about Chad and Angela and what they do, check out their website at: www.therealimhoffs.com

Episode 9: Your Story Show Notes First 5 minutes: Intro- Sharing your story and how you got healthy give you assuring in your heart and in your relationships that you aren’t’ going back to the place where you were. The fifth of the 5 action steps is embracing your story. It’s often hard to ‘own’ your story without having the first 4 action steps in place first. But once you can tell your story, and show the long division, you can give yourself assurance that you know how you got here and what you need to be healthy. Our culture promotes keeping the hard stuff private, so this step can be hard. For me, realizing how my life broke down, it was easier to start to understand my own stuff because I was in CR and was listening to other people sharing their stuff. It was inspiring and helped me have the courage to start considering my own flaws and poor choices. So often we want to present the good things and we forget to acknowledge the bad. Minutes 5-10: If we are unaware of some of the reasons we struggle, then sometimes those things we are unaware of can be the underlying things are run us, and we don’t even know it. Our bodies are designed to hold on to hurt, so when we’ve been through hard places, yet we hide the places that our body remembers, it can feel incongruent. Without putting the pieces together, it’s harder to stop the bad behaviors because we don’t know what they are connected to. Even though our culture is getting better at acknowledging mental health needs, often our family of origin rules and past experiences speak louder to us about what we can own about where we come from. Minutes 10-15: You don’t really want to go to this 5th one until you have the first four done. You need people to support you and who know your story and accept you, so that you can start to accept yourself. A good place to start is with a timeline of your chronological events. You can start to fill in some of the emotionally impactful things, but the framework for a timeline is a good foundation. Once your timeline is in place, can you look back and ask yourself if there were events that were hard or left an impact on who are you. Often you can start sharing with the people who are safe, like a therapist or a sponsor. We don’t suggest you do this alone. In recovery groups, people often do an inventory. That’s a good thing to do if you are getting started on this process. Minutes 15-20: It can be confusing on our stories when people we love who cared for us, also hurt us at moments in our lives. Being about to identify the impactful moments, good and bad, is part of embracing who we are and how experiences shaped our identity. It takes work for us to redeem some of the worst parts of our stories and choices, but it is possible. The first step is to identify what those worst parts are and why and how they happened. We also have to consider the pace that is sustainable for our body as we start unpacking hard things. Minutes 20-25: When you can start stacking the action steps, then you can build self-care in on the days when you start to unpack your story. Also, communicate to your safe people that you are about to tackle some hard topics from your past so that they can be ready to respond to you if you need it. Connect Point: Take some time and consider your story and ask yourself if there are some years or events that you would like to remove from your timeline. If so, consider sharing those times with your partner. To read about and hear more of Chad's and Angela's stories, check out their website at: www.therealimhoffs.com