While We Wait: The Podcast Before The Marriage

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DONATE: $lilsnowbabe on cash app to help produce the podcast ASK ME: w.baxternyc@gmail.com Send me an email and I'll answer your questions! FOLLOW: @lilsnowbabe on IG Support the show

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DONATE: $lilsnowbabe on cash app to help produce the podcast ASK ME: w.baxternyc@gmail.com Send me an email and I'll answer your questions! FOLLOW: @lilsnowbabe on IG Support the show

DONATE: $lilsnowbabe on cash app to help produce the podcast ASK ME: w.baxternyc@gmail.com Send me an email and I'll answer your questions! FOLLOW: @lilsnowbabe on IG Support the show

DONATE: $lilsnowbabe on cash app to help produce the podcast ASK ME: w.baxternyc@gmail.com Send me an email and I'll answer your questions! FOLLOW: @lilsnowbabe on IG Support the show

DONATE: $lilsnowbabe on cash app to help produce the podcast ASK ME: w.baxternyc@gmail.com Send me an email and I'll answer your questions! FOLLOW: @lilsnowbabe on IG Support the show

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The definition of sexual abstinence is contested and often confused with ‘asexuality’ and ‘celibacy’. Asexuality relates to a sexual identity in which an individual does not feel sexual attraction towards others, whilst celibacy often has religious connotations, whereby an individual or couple do not partake in sexual activity in order to strengthen their relationship with God. Conversely, sexual abstinence is characterised by a willing abstaining from penetrative sex and often its associated activities. So, why are so many young people abstaining? abstinence can be empowering in and of itself, serving as an eye-opener for individuals practising alone and couples practising together, both in terms of understanding sex and sexual partners in a more holistic light. For Jourdan*, who is in his mid-twenties and has been sexually abstinent for a year, abstinence helps him to remove himself from the hypersexualised world of hook up culture, and a media that perpetuates an omnipresent male gaze. “Technology and media have shifted the perspective of sexual activity,” he says. “because it is so easily accessible, it dilutes the essence of sexual activity. Some people would give their bodies to someone but at the same time, not let them look at their mobile phone.” Sexual abstinence raises questions about what it means to be sexually liberated. If sexual empowerment is about choosing what to do with one’s body, both being sexually active and sexually abstinent tick that box. Sex and abstinence have ended up mirroring one another in contemporary society. Where sexual adventuring can improve emotional wellness for some, so can sexual abstinence for others. As abstinence increases sexual self-awareness from an emotional perspective, as it did for Jenny and Jourdan, yoni eggs and crystal dildos can increase sexual self-awareness from a physical perspective. As couples show affection through physical intimacy, they also find novel ways of sharing affection when abstaining. Sex and abstinence are not polar opposites, nor mutually exclusive. Both Jenny and Jourdan are not planning on being abstinent forever; both would engage in sexual Support the show

Anxious attachment styles. Yes, we’re starting there. Why? Because I’ve made an observation; when people start dating during their abstinence journey they often begin to develop an anxious attachment style. I wrote this short essay a few years ago titled “text me back, I’m trying to fall in love with you” to express my feelings around the “dating game.” Now, when I started dating—before I was even having sex and when I was having sex—I never thought much of texting; I’ve always preferred a phone call because I’ll put my phone on DND save for a select few so I’m focused on my day. And I don’t ever want to be perceived as someone who isn’t valuing your time if we’re dating. So, when I did text someone I did it moreso as a fleeting thought, not so much expecting a response immediately and then I realized that’s not how it works in the “dating game” Alright so what’s the dating game? Let’s just call it modern dating, yeah? If you’re under the age of 35 let’s call it what you’ve probably experienced when communicating with someone new, someone you’re dating or just interested in dating. In my essay, text me back I’m trying to fall in love with you, I explored how I saw my friends interacting with guys. I wrote the essay when I was about 19 so my thoughts have changed significantly — but my overall feelings haven’t, just the way I’d go about communicating those feelings have changed aged. What I was noticing, at 19 (I’m 25 now) is that if you were engaged in dating and casual sex (or not having casual sex but just dating) in this dating game we’ve all played and are playing to some degree if you’ve texted someone and they don’t answer for a few hours you should start feeling anxious. That’s what’s getting communicated. If you tell a friend you texting him, her, then etc and they haven’t responded suddenly it becomes a concerning thing—your mind starts making up scenarios because your friends have made up scenarios because the dating game rules say if you text, they should text back immediately because if they don’t they just don’t care. And as a DND girly, I am often responding to texts a day or two later. So, I began to worry if I was communicating the wrong message to men I was dating and then I learned what anxious attachment styles are and how we can be influenced to experience anxious attachment when it doesn’t need to be your experience. An person with an anxious attachment style can be defined as: Someone that may worry that their partner is pulling away from them and will often take small things personally. They may also seek constant reassurance to ease their sense of uncertainty about their bond. They can also become overly attentive to their partner. As I continue this abstinence journey, confidence is something I’ve been reevaluating because not only has abstaining allowed me to have a better understanding of what it truly means for a person to be confident but it has shifted my perspective on confidence and how we can gain more of it and how we allow media, other people, etc to lower it. Be careful what you watch for fun, and be careful what you listen to for fun because it is influencing your subconscious mind. Anxious attachment styles creep up, even more when you start abstaining because for most sex has been used as a tool of communication and lustful conversations somehow become the bulk of your discussions with people you’re dating. So, take that away from people and if they don’t get a reply to a “hey, how are you today?” text without a few hours they’re freaking out because what they’d usually turn to to get a reaction from someone they’re not engaging in anymore. And this is where confidence enters the chat. This is where you have the opportunity to build yourself up and gain even more confidence or fall prey to the spirit of doubt, Support the show

Let’s talk about, let’s just get straight into it. I’ve been abstaining for four years and there’s a lot I’ve learned, a lot I feel responsible to share and so much more I have to experience on this journey. And yes, I’ll answer the big question immediately because I know you’re thinking about it. Am I waiting for marriage? The answer to this question has evolved over the years and where I find myself presently is that I have the intention to wait for marriage. I want to wait for marriage and I desire to wait for marriage. And so, yes—I am waiting for marriage at this phase in my journey. Transmuting or redirecting your sexual energy doesn’t mean to ignore it. I’m not saying that you should I gore when you’re very obviously aroused, what I am suggesting is that when you feel that way you do something else to honor those feelings and for me that’s writing. For you, it could be painting, listening to love songs——whatever floats your boat. Being able to redirect your sexual energy is a skill itself and it’s to be developed over time so if you’ve just started your abstinence journey don’t feel bad if you do give into your desires and urges. If you masturbate one day, it isn’t the end of the world and you don’t have to start over—-you’re a human being and for most human beings sexual intimacy is something innate. There comes a point in your life where you become aware to your own arousal and you want to explore that energy—the thing is, you don’t have to explore those feelings by having sex with someone. You can reserve that privilege for a specific time and person; for me, that’s my husband once we’re married. For you, that can be your partner once you’re in a committed relationship. It’s different for everybody. And I’m not here to tell you what’s right and what’s wrong, I’m just sharing my experience. In previous episodes I’ve shared why I began abstaining and how I’ve remained comities for years but to summarize it: I began abstaining because I desires and desire a different level of intimacy, romantic relationship and partnership for myself and my partner. And to be more clear, yes I am saying that for me—when dating—the person I’m dating, exclusive dating will need to be practicing abstinence. It’s not impossible ladies, I know it seems like it’s impossible and that there aren’t men who are abstaining; there are. There’s a ton of them, and the one for you will reveal himself to you when the time comes. So don’t worry about it, just keep walking your path. That’s the discipline, staying on your path even nobody else around you is walking that path with you. The path of abstinence and let’s be clear, the path of abstinence when you desire marriage as a woman who wants to be married to a man is realistic. It doesn’t need to be difficult, it doesn’t need to include everyone you know. It’s for you. And it needn’t be religious, I didn’t begin this journey out of religious belief; although it is align with my religious beliefs, and has brought me closer to my faith. My discipline in all a spectacular if my life has improved due to abstaining. It gives you a better clarity and understanding. Honestly you just have to explore when it comes to abstaining Don’t overthink it, you don’t need to put it on front street Just live this experience for as long as you’d like and the moment you really don’t want to , then you can stop but be sure you’re starting and stopping for you. Not because your partner wants to start having sex , not because you think you won’t be introduce to a man that’s willing to wait because he wants to wait for himself. You really shouldn’t be caught up on that anyway. Support the show

My best friend, Kelsey, and I have started a podcast and I want to introduce it to you all here! Support the show

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Emani Mone: https://www.instagram.com/emanimone/ Emani Mone: https://twitter.com/EmaniMone Beauty Strike: https://www.beautystrike.us Beauty Strike was founded by Emani Mone Jeter a third generation Beauty professional with both her grandmother and mother in the beauty field. Beauty Strikes mission is to provide quality vegan friendly skincare and curated full body wellness experiences. Beauty Strikes approach to beauty speaks to the entire body offering facial treatments, chemical peels, body treatments as well as waxing to beautify and spread the message of selfcare. Beauty Strike offers monthly yoga and wellness classes occasional book clubs as well as skincare classes to teach you more about your largest organ, skin. Supporting beauty strike means creating more space for women of color in the beauty and wellness industry. Support the show

Born right outside of Washington D.C., during the mid-90’s, Hilda was born to Ugandan parents as the first American in her family. Coming from an upbringing that engaged with many different ethnicities and religions of people, Hilda was given a very unique space to embrace many different cultures while also creating her own identity. Also, with a family background in fashion and music, she has a deep passion for performance art and an overall appreciation for arts role in the human experience. Hilda began working as a paid model at the age of 14. Her first taste of experience in the world of business was to assist with branding, marketing, and creative direction for her mother’s fashion brand, Jemhil. She went on to work a myriad of roles for talk shows, talent showcases, fashion shows, and entertainment business conferences. While living in Orlando, Hilda was crowned Miss Uganda America for two years in a row; and won the Miss Africa America Humanitarian award and People’s Choice awards, respectively. She found herself immersed in the art scene in her 5 years of living in Orlando and is now President of Miss Africa America pageants and is developing her personal brand out of Atlanta, GA. In the near future, Hilda plans to make her impact global. With sights set on returning to her family’s homeland, she is now looking for entrepreneurs who are interested in expanding their markets to the Ugandan people. Hilda’s goals are based in community development, education, and entertainment resources being made available to all Ugandans. From those initiatives she dreams to create pipelines that serve Black communities worldwide. Social Media Handles Hildasmood.tumblr.com Hildasmood on Instagram Hildasmood_ on Twitter Support the show

Our Sponsor: www.shopsharico.com USE CODE KIM25 FOR 25% OFF YOUR ENTIRE ORDER The Podcast on IG: @_whilewewait The host on Twitter: @lilsnowbabe Thank you for listening to the While We Wait Podcast: A Podcast about Abstinence and Celibacy Please remember to leave a review! They’re greatly appreciated. Resources for your abstinence / celibacy journey: https://thesexlesstribe.com (founded by a Black Woman) The Sexless Tribe Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCAEA9_hY-ybAdaXIOT0n1Cg/videos More about Tantric sex: https://www.atltantrafest.com Email: w.baxternyc@gmail.com Support the show

In this groundbreaking book that places Rootwork in its rightful spot among other magickal traditions, Tayannah Lee McQuillar offers a fun and practical guide to improving your life with the help of African American folk magick. Rootwork begins with the basics, from explanations about the magickal powers of the four elements (air, earth, fire, and water) to instructions on creating talismans, charms, and mojo bags. Also included are spells to help you: find your soul mate Accessible and easy to use, Rootwork offers the insights of a time-honored tradition as a means of self-empowerment and spiritual growth. Support the show

Our Sponsor: www.shopsharico.com USE CODE KIM25 FOR 25% OFF YOUR ENTIRE ORDER The Podcast on IG: @_whilewewait The host on Twitter: @lilsnowbabe Thank you for listening to the While We Wait Podcast: A Podcast about Abstinence and Celibacy Please remember to leave a review! They’re greatly appreciated. Resources for your abstinence / celibacy journey: https://thesexlesstribe.com (founded by a Black Woman) The Sexless Tribe Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCAEA9_hY-ybAdaXIOT0n1Cg/videos More about Tantric sex: https://www.atltantrafest.com Email: w.baxternyc@gmail.com Support the show