Going Deep: A Gay Guide to Reality

“Hey! It’s you guys. I didn’t know you’d be on the ship!” It takes me two full seconds to recognize the tall, lean Italian with dark eyes and grey-speckled beard stubble before a surge of joy-filled love overtakes me. I embrace him with one arm and squeeze my husband’s wrist in the elevator bay crowded with men in costumes. “Dennis! Look who it is!” We are taking a bathroom break during the first themed dance party of the seven-day March 2024 Atlantis Events (99% gay) cruise on the Valiant Lady, a Virgin Voyages ship that left from and will return to San Juan, Puerto Rico. The theme of tonight’s dance party is “Tropical Heat,” we are wearing black lines of “warrior paint” on our faces, red headbands, red tights, and the one pair of black Adidas sneakers that will need to support every activity this week. “Oh, my gawd! It is so good to see you!” says Dennis, squeezing through the crowd to give him a full-bodied hug. We met this man and his beautiful husband precisely three years ago on this same ship in the Mediterranean, out of Barcelona. Our connection on the dance floor translated into two memorable visits to our private stateroom with the four of us. It was a connection unlike most of the others because of its effortless blend of intense erotic pleasure and sensitive, emotional openness. I was genuinely sad when we said goodbye in the galley food area on the last day of that cruise in 2021. This is what keeps us coming back. Freedom. Joy. Sex. But mostly, love. These cruises provide what is no longer offered on land (in the United States): a 24/7 space dedicated to gay men’s comfort and delight for all ages and body types. This is my seventh cruise with Atlantis, and I’ve learned that the cornucopia of activities available makes it possible for every kind of gay, no matter his age, body type, activity interests, or cultural inclinations, to have a blissful journey. These cruises have something for every kind of gay. * Circut Party Gays * His body and wardrobe are maximized for dancefloor impact. * Wearing either a minimal thong & face full of glitter, or a full-blown themed group costume with yards of fabric blowing in the sea air, posing for a group photo. * Often embodied in one of the most objectively beautiful physiques on the ship. * Pupils dilated, he sometimes never sees the light of day. * He emerges after dark, is at least an hour late to the party, and routinely closes down the after-party at 6:30 AM. * Standard Narrative Gays * Wearing the latest short-sleeved button-down shirt from L.L. Bean. * They are having the cruise your mom might have. * They have booked as many excursions off the ship as possible. * Discussion about open relationships never happened before the cruise, and they’d prefer that other gays stop bringing it up. * Alcohol is the only acceptable drug, and there is always a drink in their hand. * They have a persistent neurotic expression, asking, “What if pics of this get out?” * Old Gays * Wearing whatever the fuck they want, which is either complete comfort or full fabulous. * These men are genuinely happy to be alive and willing to engage with anyone who makes eye contact. * They make eye contact. * Many are up early, enjoying the sunrise. * The oldest (I chatted up a 92-year-old) get decked out in the party themes of red, white, pink, etc. Find a seat overlooking the dance floor and remain transfixed for hours, chatting with the oldster beside him as the Virgin staff keep them hydrated. * Sluty Gays * Wearing their best guy-getting gear. Often in St33le shorts. * Looking for every opportunity to suck it, stick it in, or receive. * Down Low (DL) sluts project all their assets: butts out on the dance floor, styled super sexy on the pool deck, etc., but need to be out of sight of their friends to “go downstairs.” * Open sluts, wearing something similar, will make offers and respond to sexual proposals casually, without shame. * Guys in Slut Mode stalk the dick...

Easy to say. “You’re perfect.” “I see you as perfect.” All you need to do is let go of all the thoughts, beliefs, emotions, mental constructs, advertisements, comparisons on social media, and the tap tap tap of that nagging voice that says, “Don’t fall behind. You can still catch up. You can still win!” Just follow your breath. Well, notice it first. Can you? That thing you do every moment of every day. That very first thing you did when you slipped wet and cold into existence. That thing that will be the very last thing you do before it all ends or you move on to another plane of existence. That thing my father’s body tried to do even after he’d died. “Be here now.” Thanks, Ram Das. But how do we do that without trying? How do we try without judgment? How do we believe it’s okay to see ourselves as whole and happy? Unbroken. If I’m not seeking “healing” what is there left to do? Without trauma, addiction, and neurotic narcissism, what do I do with my day? Who will understand what I’m talking about? Unbroken. Whole. Complete. The red pill or the blue pill? Which one is the true fantasy? The earth, the moon, the stars. The sun that will be eclipsed by the moon today over North America. The galaxies, and clusters, and all the missing matter our current comprehension of math can’t explain. Without a creation myth, how do I cope with consciousness? To know I am, but little else? It’s not reason or math or science or myth that will bring peace. It’s faith. It’s jumping into the unknown, the unreasonable idea that I’m good and complete no matter what the other bags of muscle and bone and emotions helplessly tell me and sell me. Forgive their ignorance and my complicity. It’s an inside job. One bag of bones at a time. Get full access to Going Deep: A Gay Guide to Reality at mikegerle.substack.com/subscribe

Just feelings. That’s what this week is about. Preparing for an ayahuasca plant ceremony is an opening of the raw self. It’s day 6 of taking away most of the things that help me avoid feelings. Coffee, weed, alcohol, refined sugar, red meat, lots of other things… and, wait for it, ejaculation! Yup. Just sit there and take it bitch! Worried about your substack, your husband’s struggles, your relevance in gay men’s culture, your mom’s reality without your dad, your other mom’s torments, your sister’s well-being, your health, turning 59, your motorcycle’s dead battery, that pain in your lower back? Just frackin feel it! Being present is no longer masked by distractions; it’s full presence, moment to moment to moment. I’ve even taken the suggestion of staying off social media, well, except Grindr. Is that a social app? Sure. Look at all those bodies and be a tease, “Not today, sorry.” What’s left is, well, everything. ALL the feelings. This is what it is to be human, buddy. Is this what it felt like to be a hunter-gatherer? Before tech and know-how brought us all the fat, meat, and sugar we wanted? Tears of joy and grief while digging in the garden? Well, I guess they didn’t have gardens. They were on the move. But they were tied to the earth. And being tied to the earth is why I’m going back. That’s why I’m doing my third plant ceremony. After experiencing a mushroom ceremony, I learned about an ayahuasca ceremony in my new neighborhood, on the same communal soil where I bought a condo two years ago, the same neighborhood where I have always hung out with leathermen. Pacha mama. Mother earth. During the last ceremony, I met You for the first time. The morning after, in the cool, bright morning Silver Lake air, I touched the bark of a tree growing near a 1920s building. It spoke to me. Much clearer than any wonky telepathic crap Counclor Diana Troy ever used on Star Trek The Next Generation, I was, and still am, connected to everything the tree is connected to. Words fail. But let me try. The expanse of an all-knowingness, a knowingness that is experiential, not intellectual. The tree, the earth, the water in the sky and the seas, each heartbeat in Silver Lake and all those around the world, each being that moves, and all those that grow, and all the essence of earth and sun and stars that have brought us into being. I touched it. It touched me back, and there was no longer a separation between any of us. Oneness with everything. A sustained joy bursting from inside me and holding me safe all at the same time. I guess that’s worth skipping coffee and ejaculation for a week or two. Get full access to Going Deep: A Gay Guide to Reality at mikegerle.substack.com/subscribe

Moments after the door to my condo closed behind us, the stranger I’d cruised on the subway locked his mouth on mine. I eagerly accepted. The tension of 30+ minutes of eyeing each other in the train car, up the escalators, down Sunset Blvd., to this moment, piqued our primal need to engage. He pulled at the bottom of his shirt. I leaned away from kissing his scruffy face and said, “Hold on, can I get that for you?” and I slowly pulled his shirt up, revealing his bare skin, happy trail, belly button, chest, nipples, and finally, his masculine shoulders. The inside-out collar of thin cotton material moved up his throat while the bulk of the shirt acted as a temporary blindfold. As the shirt released from his head, I looked into his eager eyes – the t-shirt hanging relaxed in my hand. “Your turn,” I said. “Take your time.” Rather than ignoring all this erotic energy and racing towards orgasm with the intensity of an Olympic sprinter, I’ve learned to lean into erotic tension and savor its rare pleasures. This is a departure from the avid Sport Fucker practice I once thought was the height of sexual pleasure and liberation. Sport Fucking is about having sex for its own sake. Keeping a score sheet (even if it’s just in one’s head) of the numbers, variety, and status of sex partners is what it’s all about. Commitment and emotional depth are not part of the practice. An ass up, no talking, jackhammer fuck n’ go is its hallmark protocol. It allows us to protest against the heteronormative standard narrative: All sex outside of a monogamous relationship is bad. It also satisfies our need to seed, and be seeded by, as many individuals as possible. Sperm competition, as outlined in the book Sex At Dawn by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jethá, provides evidence that our genes are programmed to both give and receive as much sperm as possible. The one who gives or receives the most wins the genetic prize. Sport Fucking is still in my sexual repertoire, but it is only one musical genre with which to play the music. Sometimes, I want a nasty two-minute country tune by Dixon Dallas: “No strings attached, I’ll arch my back and let you do what you want.” At other times, I want an hour-long Deep House Anjunadeep Edition 434 with Marsh DJ session: “Reach inside me. Gonna take my love in,” that transports us on a multilayered sensory/emotional/spiritual journey. Each encounter is usually a variation that mixes a bit from each style, depending on my partner’s proclivities and how our energies mix. If I’d taken this guy to a stairwell to seal the deal, a long, drawn-out connection wouldn’t have been practical. But we were in my place, and I had more than two minutes. Until the moment his shirt came off, and I felt the heat radiating from his torso, my attraction to this guy was almost entirely visual. It was tied to what he was wearing, especially his grey sweatpants and the shape of the underwear seams framing his butt cheeks as he shifted his weight, side to side, only one escalator step ahead of me on the long ride up and out of the deep Sunset-Vermont subway station, my heart pounding all the way. I was returning home from my workout, where I’d seen lots of Hollywood hotties dressed in their best gym gear hugging all the right places oh so coyly, never to be touched. (Well, not never, but that’s another post.) This was an opportunity to actually touch, smell, and taste the tantalizing essence that is usually off-limits. Why throw all that on the floor? Both shirtless, we moved to the playroom. It had become clear to me during our makeout session, while my hands massaged the raised underwear seams through his sweats, that he preferred to let me take charge. I didn’t let that stop me from dropping to my knees to explore the cause of a raging boner still inside my jeans. As an aside, for a long time, I lived with a made-up rule that tops don’t kneel for their partners – that maintaining dominance requires insertive, taking energy...

My last post, Love, Contempt, and Leather Contests, ended up being a lackluster whimper that confused a few people. Thank you guys for the feedback. “Where’s the contempt?” they asked. And they were right to ask. In haste to meet my publishing deadline (on the 1st and 3rd Thursdays), I rushed a piece that was not ready for release. I also let an effort to be magnanimous prevent me from being brave. I am afraid to hurt the feelings of people I have grown to care about, even love. But sometimes, we need to tell our loved ones what’s keeping us from taking their calls. So here’s a remix with a heaping helping of contempt regarding certain aspects of leather contest culture. As I said before, I got interested in leather contests, thinking it would lead to instructions for handling a sexy boy kneeling at my feet. My leather contest contempt grew out of the impatience I felt waiting for the real world of leather to reveal itself. The one we’re all talking about during leather contests. It’s the world outlined in books like The Leatherman’s Handbook by Larry Townsend, Ties That Bind by Guy Baldwin, and Mr. Benson by John Preston. Where was the heat and eros of Tom of Finland? Why wasn’t I seeing guys like that kneeling boy who got away? Where was the 19-year-old marine at a bus station craving a bondage fuck scene mentioned in Townsend’s book? I kept hearing stories about Old Guard, Master/slave, Dom/sub, and dungeons filled with hot men negotiating power exchange scenes. Where were those men? The leather contests appeared to be crucibles where men were tested to see if they had what it took to represent the real leather world. So, I signed up. There were (and are) few ways for contemporary men to test themselves as a rite of passage into manhood, so maybe I was also trying to scratch that itch. Put me in, coach! I’m ready to play! I assumed that the real world of leather men would become available to me if I proved myself on stage. After I won the Mr. Los Angeles Leather (LAL) 2007 competition, and at the prodding of the LAL producer, I went to Cleveland Leather Awareness Weekend (CLAW) to pursue my goal of winning International Mister Leather (IML). On the CLAW workshop schedule, I found an offering from a group called the Kennel Club. They claimed to know everything it takes to win a leather contest, so I attended the offering along with 30 to 40 other guys headed to IML to compete. The large conference room was set up in a traditional authoritarian configuration. A table in front of the room, behind which sat several men, facing the large group of attendees, all wearing leather vests bearing patches of the clubs they represented. A few empty chairs facing the crowd sat to the left of the presenter’s table. One of the men behind the table asked if anyone wanted to do a practice interview. Most competitions give the interview score double the points of any other contest aspect. If the interview sucks, it’s nearly impossible to recover. It’s typically done in private, not in front of spectators. During the pause after his question, as each man decided if he wanted to put himself on the spot in front of the same guys he’d be competing against at the biggest leather contest on the planet, I raised my hand. Why not? If you’re gonna make a mistake, make it here. I wanted to learn, and these guys had credited themselves with knowing all the answers. Who knows what was really said and done nearly seventeen years ago, but this is how I remember it going down. And it did go down, as in, south, as in, badly. Much of it is covered in my short story, A View From The Podium. I stood in front of the mock judging panel because I knew from experience that I should not sit during an interview. I waited for the exercise to begin, vaguely wondering why they didn’t cover the whole standing versus sitting protocol thing. I looked at my mock interview judges with curiosity. They were definitely enjoying the session, but the joy was...

Overwhelmed by crowds of geared-up men at my first leather event, a Tom of Finland “Butt Boy” party in Hollywood, I escaped to an outdoor patio for a cigarette. I was in my late 20s, in the mid-1990s, wearing gear I’d purchased specifically for the event: a harness, armbands, a classic leather cap, leather shorts, and boots from an army surplus store on Santa Monica Blvd. With my naked back against a cool brick wall, I watched as men drifted between rooms while I pulled casually on my cigarette, hoping to look like I belonged. Apparently, I did. A beautiful shirtless blonde guy around my age, in jeans and boots, caught my eye and walked toward me. While I was still trying to figure out what to say to him, he got on his knees, clasped his hands behind his back, and bowed his head, causing an intoxicating wave of sexual arousal to wash through me. I discovered a new reality. Clouds parted. The skies opened. The leather gods smiled down upon me. At least that’s how it felt. Instinctively, I reached out and stroked his short-cropped hair. “Thank you, sir!” He said. And then…I had no idea what to do. No. Fucking. Idea. I honestly don’t remember what happened to that guy. All I know is he disappeared. And that scene played itself in my head repeatedly for over a decade. Searching for answers on my own got me nowhere, so at 41, I entered my first leather contest because I wanted to know what to do if that opportunity presented itself again. For the non-leather-folk “muggles,” it may be necessary to give some context to these rituals. Just like the Wizarding World of Harry Potter, the Leather World has its own press, its own houses, and its own politics. Each contest (each “house”), from Eagle LA to International Mister Leather (IML), sets its own rules for who is allowed to compete, the criteria for winning, and the responsibilities of the winning titleholder. Each house has its own special magic and wants to know if their contestants have the magical qualities that their house values. The judges of the contest act as the sorting hat. If I sponsored a contest, I’d let the judges know I’m looking for men who like sex, power exchange protocols, dancing, empathy, directness, self-reliance, respect, loyalty, and honesty. I’m not great at all those qualities, but I would enjoy being with men pursuing them. A different house might focus on people who like quoting leather history, fundraisers, hyper-inclusivity, etc. Every house (club, organization) gets to be exactly what they want to be. The contest doesn’t care. Go ahead and put it in the blender. We’ll see what comes out. Most contests follow the same format, which I have come to respect as a ritualized liturgy: Meet and Greet, Interview, Speech, Bar-wear, Jockstrap, and Announcement of the Winners. The liturgy provides a structure for us to sort out what’s important to us individually and collectively. It provides an arena for confronting questions like: Who are we as a community? Who am I as an individual in this community? Do I belong here, or am I just trying to fit in? It’s the kind of self-reflection that happens in private therapy sessions, meditation retreats, or when laying awake at 3 a.m. wondering, “What’s the purpose of my life?” Most often, a sense of community, meaning, and purpose is evoked, which is why we keep doing it. However, sometimes the message from the contest is, “You guys are not aligned on what’s important, and you’ll suffer until it’s sorted out. You have work to do!” Even when contests have melted down, the leather community has learned important lessons. Do our judges reflect our values? What are our values? Are we curious about new ideas? Do we have limits? Are we communicating our expectations? My personal relationship with the contest has fluctuated wildly from joy to contempt and back again. I won three competitions and enjoyed being famous, thinking it would fix all my doubts regarding my sexuality and self-worth. It...

“I blink, and you’re hooked up with someone!” My husband says with his testosterone-fueled competitive voice. I get a wonderful turn-on when I see this side of my normally deferential, even-mannered, Vulcan-like boy. It’s dangerously delicious. His full 42-year-old, tall, masculine body radiates primal testosterone. Men turn me on, so seeing him charged with desire and vexed sexual frustration is intoxicating. It makes him sexually vibrant and desirable. I feel like a badass. And he confirms, with his horny, competitive frustration, that we’re still on the same page regarding our sexual desires and agreements. The Sensitive Slut is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. He’s an ambitious high achiever, a man who pursues measurable, quantifiable tools and protocols for reaching success. So my success, as he frames it, must be a simple matter of following some sort of playbook of which he is unaware. He doesn’t want me to change my behavior. He doesn’t want me to stop hooking up. He just wants to be better at it than me. So, for him and all the other high achievers out there looking to sharpen their “game,” here’s what I know. Your mileage may vary. Hone your Battlefield Awareness. That’s a term we used in my day job when I was a Special Events Coordinator for the City of West Hollywood. While babysitting gatherings like WeHo Gay Pride, Halloween, and the collection of Oscar Parties held by Elton John, Vanity Fair, and HBO (all on the same night), we needed to know where to focus our attention. The same situational awareness translates into navigating crowded sexual playgrounds. It’s the ability to focus an endless aggregate of variables into a small, actionable list of choices. As an aside, I am uneasy applying the term “Battlefield Awareness” to our sexual playgrounds because I want our unique spaces to be collaborative spiritual playgrounds. Not a place where there are winners and losers. However, for the uninitiated, these gatherings may feel like battlegrounds because of incursions on their personal space, an internalized sex-negative worldview that says one sexual partner forever means “good” & many sexual partners mean “bad,” or the newness of the social sexual culture for which they have yet to find a vocabulary. And, although relatively rare (compared to the number of good players), we have bad players among us. For whatever reason, self-shame, a truly toxic “force it” idea of masculinity, or some other reason, they feel they need to grab what they want instead of negotiating it like a Sensitive Slut. My husband’s remark got me reflecting on how I handle myself in social sexual environments. What follows is a deconstruction of my modus operandi that has evolved over nearly four decades and countless visits to these places. The venues are public (buy a ticket) play parties, dance parties, kink events, and, to some degree, public hunting grounds designed for non-sexual purposes, like gym steam rooms, or the dick deck on a gay cruise. Reconnoiter: Get the lay of the land. Even when I’m familiar with a venue, I like to walk the perimeter to get a feel for how many rooms there are, how big they are, how they are set up, ingress and egress (getting in and out), and how they’re being used. If it’s a new venue, I will do this before visiting the clothes check. I may not want to stay. Guest inventory: Who’s there? I put people into boxes. Yep. I make up stuff about the guys based on what I see and what my intuition tells me so that the mob is more comprehensible. A dozen categories are easier to organize in my head than 200 to 2,000 individuals. Daddies, twinks, jacked muscle guys, athletic guys, porn stars, influencers, glitter divas, ethnic clumps, full fetish & gear guys, sexual tourists (new or non-identified with sexual spaces), it’s all about the music guys, look-at-me players, and mystery men. Party favorites: Identify and...

I was recently at an all-gay birthday party, standing in a small gaggle of well-known friends comparing ages. The birthday “boy” was 44. I let the group know I will be 59 this April. Then said, “I’m old.” “You’re not old!” One of them insisted, his eyes confused. I stood my ground and insisted that, by the numbers around life expectancy, I was in the final 3rd or 4th of my life. His expression changed to befuddled surprise. He then scanned me up and down before saying, with some exasperation, “But you’re not ‘old.’” It was an attempt to be gracious, so why, even as I write this, does it piss me the fuck off? Isn’t that what we all want to hear? Isn’t that what we all want to believe? Isn’t that polite? The response was all those things, and I still want to discuss it. But when I push the subject, and I don’t fawn over the Emporor’s forever young clothes, even when I’m the one wearing them, the frigid response I receive tells me I’ve broken a social contract by saying the word “old.” One reason I want my olderness confirmed is because getting old, especially gay-old, is so disorienting. I shouldn’t be struggling with this. I was supposed to be dead at 23. That’s what the doctor said when he told me I was HIV+ at 20. Decades and decades ago, AIDS was supposed to kill me. It didn’t. It still hasn’t. In fact, by the numbers of my regularly measured blood work, I’ve never been healthier. I need help figuring out how to be this way, how to be gay, out, male, alive, and old. To be me. Right now. What the fuck is going on? Disorientation turns into fear, and fear turns into anger. Yes, gurl, she’s old. Calm down! We have collectively created a culture where death only comes from a bullet, a bomb, a space phaser, a drive-by, a drug overdose, a medieval ax, or a superhero’s pummeling. That’s how we see it play out in the media. It doesn’t come to good people who have followed all the rules, bought all the supplements, and stretched through every yoga class. Except that it does. That’s reality. Another reason I want my age acknowledged is because I know I’m invited to a themed party called “Aging, or Olds, or Elders,” one that includes big ideas, deep love, and fleeting beauty that is usually only witnessed by those left behind at funerals. Every gay knows (or should know) that it’s rude to attend a party and not participate in the theme. I want to pack, wear, and inhabit the most stunning version of the theme on offer. Please don’t ask me to show up wearing what I arrived wearing 35 years ago. First of all, it doesn’t fit. More importantly, it’s not as interesting as the metaphorical garb this new adventure called “aging” suggests. How cool would it be to have a role in my culture because of my proximity to the end of my natural life cycle? Not in spite of it. I’d like to live in a village described by Don Kilhefner in a White Crane Institute essay, Gay Adults! Gay Adults! Where Are You? where each stage of life has its own gifts and responsibilities. If you’d like to hear me in conversation with Mr. Kilhefner, we discussed “Boy Energy vs. Man Energy vs. Elder Energy” and several other topics on my podcast. “Cultural anthropologists tell us that whenever and wherever humans are found, there seems to be a patterning of life into four stages called youth, adult, elder, and ancestor. Moreover, each of these stages has significant social roles to play in the village. There is a profound and fundamental interdependence between these stages and societal roles upon which the health and vitality of the village or tribe are largely based.” Unfortunately, American culture, and especially gay culture, doesn’t recognize its youth, adults, elders, and ancients. We don’t celebrate the challenges and gifts unique to each stage of life. We don’t mentor up or down the age spectrum. We simply have young people and old people. The young are celebrated and left alone to sort out life, while the old are cloaked in invisibility....

Two years ago, while in my 57th year, I began going out to dance parties again. To my surprise, reentering the gay dance party scene at 56 proved to be, and continues to be, a much more edifying experience than it was in my 20s. I give credit for this transformation to decades of seeking with my MFT therapists Karen, Jim, Winston, and Sharon, a Forum-like intensive called The Experience, MKP men’s retreats, meditation retreats, yoga teacher training, coaching training, Tantra training, a personal meditation practice, and drugs. Of course, none of that would be possible if I did not have the willingness to look into my heart and unpack the results of the Idaho-Mormon-gay-AIDS trauma I’d internalized. Walking through all that trauma history with a wide array of teachers is why I am able to enjoy the cornucopia of pleasure, self-celebration, and connection I now enjoy everywhere, especially on the dance floor with my brothers. Everyone’s life is different. Everyone’s amount of trauma is different. My trauma required lots and lots of work. Some gays, like my husband, who’ve had relatively little trauma, have the ability to find contentment without all those programs. Subscribed Nearly 30 years ago, when I was 28, I went to my first White Party in Palm Springs. It was a big deal back then. I had resisted going for several reasons. I’d only been sober for two years, it was still more expensive than I could afford, and most of all, and most pertinent to this post, I didn’t think I could compete with all the hotties I saw in pages of Circut Noise Magazine, the magazine covering circuit events pre-internet. It contained pages of evidence that I needed to be something other than who I really was. Someone confident, excruciatingly beautiful, and ready for a photo op with ten equally beautiful men. You know, guys who were winning the party. I’d need to reinvent myself to be one of them. I felt like I needed permission to be on the dance floor. “What if you got paid to go?” I was prodded by my workout partner, Adam, to join the scene. He had connections with the producers, custom design skills to create our Bad Bunny gear, and a body and cock that demanded attention. He made it possible for me to get paid to go, including a shared hotel room at Motel 6. All I needed to do was work a couple of doors and dance on a box at the military-themed nighttime pool party. Adam thrived on the scene. He was a huge fan of the spotlight. Any spotlight. He also ran with other spotlight seekers, so I was sure to be surrounded by the top tier of circuit party meat sacks who had also prepared for the dance floor with Olympic-style workouts. We’d have outfits made by Perry, a talented queen who later went on to work for Lady Gaga. How could we not win the party? At the military party, we climbed our separate camouflaged riggings and had our very own spotlights to shine on each other from across the sea of men and into the crowd itself, which garnered lots of attention. I had the body. I had the attention. I had the outfits. I had the validation of knowing I was on a towering box at what was then one of the biggest parties in existence. Guys who seldom gave me attention at Gold’s in Hollywood were looking up at me, smiling. I’d met Boy George. I’d visited one VIP hangout after another at the various parties. But when Adam turned his spotlight on me, I felt something unexpected. Something other than joy. I certainly wasn’t happy. I was confused, irritated, and empty. I felt betrayed by the feelings that came up. This was supposed to make me happy. Wasn’t I dominating the party? Isn’t that what makes a gay happy? Why wasn’t I fucking happy? This continued to happen as I attempted to win the party at the Probe (later called Icon), at the Zoo Party in San Diego, and on the small stage on the edge of the dance floor at Fire House (which is now The Chaple at The Abbey). Time after time, I gave my power away to men and boys who were strangers....

Interested in a 3-way? ... Sign up for our Masterclass Trio: Sex / Love & Relationships / Spirituality & Intuition Bundle In these courses, you'll learn tips, tricks and insider information from 3 generations of gay men. You'll leave knowing how to prepare your mind, body, and spirit to give & receive the sex you desire and deserve. You'll explore finding love in all the right places! Find the inspired answers inside of you waiting to be discovered. Evoke your true desires and empowering your own authentic spirituality. Join All 3 Now! - For Only $97 Learn More about each Masterclass ________________________________________________________________________________________ Did you miss the last Sex, Love & Relationships Challenge? Don't worry! We'll be doing it once more for those of you who haven't got the time but still want to go deeper, learn more about and improve the Sex, Love and/or Relationships in your lives. When? January 23rd - 27th 2021 Learn More Now! ________________________________________________________________________________________ I need to get honest with you about sex. Because I love it, and believe that celebrating mindful, “conscious sex” is essential for gay men’s dignity. My last "Being A Man," or BAM, episode was about moving from oppression to celebration; and I barely mentioned sex at all. After a long discussion with my boyfriend regarding my struggle writing that episode, I realized that I had let my socialized, American, fear about sex, launch me into a clumsy, diatribe about fear itself, and my fear of just talking about what I really want. So let’s talk about the sex we have and the reasons we can celebrate it. After all, it just makes sense for a podcast “for gay men” to address the one and only thing that all gay men have in common, the urge to merge, the passion that surges in our balls, our gut, our brains, and our hearts, to seek out and touch other men, intimately. We talked about: Mentioned in this episode Be Here NowRam DassGuy BaldwinPolyamory Get full access to Going Deep: A Gay Guide to Reality at mikegerle.substack.com/subscribe

Interested in a 3-way? ... Sign up for our Masterclass Trio: Sex / Love & Relationships / Spirituality & Intuition today! In these courses, you'll learn tips, tricks and insider information from 3 generations of gay men. You'll leave knowing how to prepare your mind, body, and spirit to give & receive the sex you desire and deserve. You'll explore finding love in all the right places! Find the inspired answers inside of you waiting to be discovered. Evoke your true desires and empowering your own authentic spirituality. Join All 3 Now! - For Only $97 Learn More about each Masterclass ________________________________________________________________________________________ Did you miss the last Sex, Love & Relationships Challenge? Don't worry! We'll be doing it once more for those of you who haven't got the time but still want to go deeper, learn more about and improve the Sex, Love and/or Relationships in your lives. When? January 23rd - 27th 2021 Learn More Now! ________________________________________________________________________________________ Hello GerleMen listeners. She is hilarious. She is irreverent. She is devastating in her academic acumen and her theatrical talent. And, although we may be laughing, her messages are packed with wisdom and insights many listeners will find life-affirming. While we pause our regular episodes and prepare a spectacular Season 2 of the GerleMen Podcast, we’d like you to enjoy some short, bonus episodes, co-hosted by my dear friend and rambunctious orange Nun, Sister Unity of the Los Angeles House of the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence. So enjoy the show my friends! We’ve packed all this awesomeness into some very short clips. Mentioned in this episode: Dr. Don Kilhefner (Listen to Wisdom of the Tribal Elder with Dr. Don Kilhefner from S1) Don on Social Media: FacebookInstagramTwitter Sister Unity (Listen to The Queer Hero's Journey with Sister Unity episode) Sister on Social Media: YoutubeTwitterFacebookInstagram Get connected: websitemike@gerlemen.com Facebook YouTube Get full access to Going Deep: A Gay Guide to Reality at mikegerle.substack.com/subscribe

Hello GerleMen listeners. She is hilarious. She is irreverent. She is devastating in her academic acumen and her theatrical talent. And, although we may be laughing, her messages are packed with wisdom and insights many listeners will find life-affirming. While we pause our regular episodes and prepare a spectacular Season 2 of the GerleMen Podcast, we’d like you to enjoy some short, bonus episodes, co-hosted by my dear friend and rambunctious orange Nun, Sister Unity of the Los Angeles House of the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence. So enjoy the show my friends! We’ve packed all this awesomeness into some very short clips. Mentioned in this episode: Sister Unity (Listen to The Queer Hero's Journey with Sister Unity episode) Sister on Social Media: YoutubeTwitterFacebookInstagram Get connected: websitemike@gerlemen.com Facebook YouTube Get full access to Going Deep: A Gay Guide to Reality at mikegerle.substack.com/subscribe

Dear listeners - join us next week for our Sex, Love & Relationships virtual workshop!! We'd love to see you join the discussion and connect in real-time. xo Hello GerleMen listeners. She is hilarious. She is irreverent. She is devastating in her academic acumen and her theatrical talent. And, although we may be laughing, her messages are packed with wisdom and insights many listeners will find life-affirming. While we pause our regular episodes and prepare a spectacular Season 2 of the GerleMen Podcast, we’d like you to enjoy some short, bonus episodes, co-hosted by my dear friend and rambunctious orange Nun, Sister Unity of the Los Angeles House of the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence. So enjoy the show my friends! We’ve packed all this awesomeness into some very short clips. Mentioned in this episode: Rev. Jesse Brune-Horan: (Listen to Rev. Jesse: Just F-ing Love Each Other from S1) Jesse on Social Media: FacebookInstagramJoel Benjamin. (Listen to The Union of Sex & Spirit with Yogi Joel Benjamin from S1) Joel on Social Media: FacebookInstagramTwitterYogaSmithSeattle.comSister Unity: Listen to the 1st Episode of the podcast with the hilarious Sister Unity. Sister Unity on Social Media: YoutubeTwitterFacebookInstagram Get connected: websitemike@gerlemen.com Facebook YouTube Get full access to Going Deep: A Gay Guide to Reality at mikegerle.substack.com/subscribe

Hello GerleMen listeners. She is hilarious. She is irreverent. She is devastating in her academic acumen and her theatrical talent. And, although we may be laughing, her messages are packed with wisdom and insights many listeners will find life-affirming. While we pause our regular episodes and prepare a spectacular Season 2 of the GerleMen Podcast, we’d like you to enjoy some short, bonus episodes, co-hosted by my dear friend and rambunctious orange Nun, Sister Unity of the Los Angeles House of the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence. So enjoy the show my friends! We’ve packed all this awesomeness into some very short clips. Mentioned in this episode: “Ruminating” in Improvisation for the Theatre (pg. 137 - 168/435 in pdf) by Viola Spolin. Sister Unity: Listen to the 1st Episode of the podcast with the hilarious Sister Unity. Sister Unity on Social Media: YoutubeTwitterFacebookInstagram Get connected: websitemike@gerlemen.com Facebook YouTube Get full access to Going Deep: A Gay Guide to Reality at mikegerle.substack.com/subscribe

Hello GerleMen listeners. She is hilarious. She is irreverent. She is devastating in her academic acumen and her theatrical talent. And, although we may be laughing, her messages are packed with wisdom and insights many listeners will find life-affirming. While we pause our regular episodes and prepare a spectacular Season 2 of the GerleMen Podcast, we’d like you to enjoy some short, bonus episodes, co-hosted by my dear friend and rambunctious orange Nun, Sister Unity of the Los Angeles House of the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence. So enjoy the show my friends! We’ve packed all this awesomeness into some very short clips. Mentioned in this episode: Don Kilhefner (Listen to Wisdom of the Tribal Elder: From Revolutionary to Eldering with Dr. Don Kilhefner episode from S1) Don on Social Media: FacebookTwitterInstagramListen to the very 1st Episode of the podcast with our beloved Sister Unity where we talk about The Queer Hero's Journey. Sister Unity on Social Media: YoutubeTwitterFacebookInstagramSister Unity (Listen to The Queer Hero's Journey with Sister Unity episode) Sister on Social Media: YoutubeTwitterFacebookInstagram Get connected: websitemike@gerlemen.com Facebook YouTube Get full access to Going Deep: A Gay Guide to Reality at mikegerle.substack.com/subscribe

Hello GerleMen listeners. She is hilarious. She is irreverent. She is devastating in her academic acumen and her theatrical talent. And, although we may be laughing, her messages are packed with wisdom and insights many listeners will find life-affirming. While we pause our regular episodes and prepare a spectacular Season 2 of the GerleMen Podcast, we’d like you to enjoy some short, bonus episodes, co-hosted by my dear friend and rambunctious orange Nun, Sister Unity of the Los Angeles House of the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence. So enjoy the show my friends! We’ve packed all this awesomeness into some very short clips. Mentioned in this episode: Sister Unity (Listen to The Queer Hero's Journey with Sister Unity episode) Sister on Social Media: YoutubeTwitterFacebookInstagram Dr. Frankie (Listen to Intuition is Everything with Dr. Frankie Bashan episode) Dr. Frankie on Social Media: InstagramFacebook: Dr. FrankieFacebook: Little Gay BookYouTube Get connected: websitemike@gerlemen.com Facebook YouTube Get full access to Going Deep: A Gay Guide to Reality at mikegerle.substack.com/subscribe

Hello GerleMen listeners! I want to thank you for listening to the premiere season of the GerleMen Podcast as we wrap up Season 1. On the show, we explored everything from “feelings” to “sex” to “spirituality” to “queer Hollywood” all sprinkled with the reality of the COVID-19 pandemic and a resurgence of social justice with Black Lives Matter protests. A special highlight for me personally was the episode with my Momon Father where he told us about ‘loving-kindness.' When this all started, I had no idea what was involved with producing a podcast. There were technical struggles. Like building an entire studio to host guests in-studio (only to have COVID-19 arrive the same month we started doing interviews), sorting out all the hardware and software, and then there was the content -- what were we going to talk about? But that’s when our mission kicked in, lighting the path towards our desire to foster heart-centered connection. During the summer break, we will be checking in every few weeks with a very special guest. And, if you have any ideas or suggestions for Season 2, please send them my way!! Mentioned in this episode: Sister UnityYoutubeTwitterFacebookInstagramGarrett McClureLesley SchroederRicky LondoñoSteven Le VineGet connected: websitemike@gerlemen.com Facebook YouTube Get full access to Going Deep: A Gay Guide to Reality at mikegerle.substack.com/subscribe

I need to get honest with you about sex. Because I love it, and believe that celebrating mindful, “conscious sex” is essential for gay men’s dignity. My last "Being A Man," or BAM, episode was about moving from oppression to celebration; and I barely mentioned sex at all. After a long discussion with my boyfriend regarding my struggle writing that episode, I realized that I had let my socialized, American, fear about sex, launch me into a clumsy, diatribe about fear itself, and my fear of just talking about what I really want. So let’s talk about the sex we have and the reasons we can celebrate it. After all, it just makes sense for a podcast “for gay men” to address the one and only thing that all gay men have in common, the urge to merge, the passion that surges in our balls, our gut, our brains, and our hearts, to seek out and touch other men, intimately. We talked about: Mentioned in this episode Be Here NowRam DassGuy BaldwinPolyamory Get connected! websitemike@gerlemen.com Facebook YouTube Get full access to Going Deep: A Gay Guide to Reality at mikegerle.substack.com/subscribe

Today’s conversation with Joel our first deep dive into the connection sex and spirituality. Joel helps us try on the ancient Tantra concept that everything about our experience on earth is spiritual -- including our sexual energy. Prior to the pandemic, I visited Joel’s gorgeous studio in Seattle where I learned to celebrate, cultivate, and conserve my own lower chakra energy. The experience was an embodiment of transforming crotch-centered connections into a heart-centered community. Enjoy the show. We talked about: Mentioned in this episode Joel's workshops: Powers of Man Find more about Joel here: FacebookInstagramTwitterYogaSmithSeattle.com Get connected! websitemike@gerlemen.com Facebook YouTube Get full access to Going Deep: A Gay Guide to Reality at mikegerle.substack.com/subscribe

Rev. Jesse Brune-Horan has been a celebrity chef and a personal trainer, appearing on both Bravo and Oprah. But his true calling is his spiritual work and mission. On this episode, he shows us how celebrating his authenticity as a gay man is key to his spiritual growth. Rev. Jesse has a deep sense of personal dignity, a no-nonsense realness toward embracing spirituality, and an ability to give white people concrete advice on advancing social justice for black Americans. Jesse is a gay man whose connection to his spirituality is his key to true freedom and getting what he really wants Now, getting what we want is the easy part. Figuring out what that is - is the challenge. Jesse's advice: listen. For the answers are already inside you. We talked about: Mentioned in this episode: Marianne WilliamsonWhite FragilityRobin DiAngelo Find more about Rev. Jesse Brune-Horan on: Active Love MinistriesFacebookInstagram Get connected! websitemike@gerlemen.comFacebookYouTube Get full access to Going Deep: A Gay Guide to Reality at mikegerle.substack.com/subscribe