AnnodRight: The Blog

Recently I had the honor of meeting with Dr. Jess for her podcast, Sex with Dr. Jess and we spoke about sexual compatibility. I don’t think it’s much of a secret that I think folk use the idea of being sexually compatible as a cop out. What I mean is that we often work hard as hell to NOT try but then blame everything on sexual compatibility. We will say there is no chemistry, that we feel off, and have really done no work. Now, you know that I am a whole assed sex and relationship therapist so ima give you a short run down on the tea spilt in that conversation with Dr. Jess.

Source: https://www.singleblackmale.org/2014/05/09/8-things-black-women-hate-called/black-woman-short-hair-upset-2/ Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year, they’re all around the corner. So, I have to ask, are you ready to deal with your family? We all know how it is when you go home, all your family is there, that auntie, your uncles, some of them you love and some of them you're not even sure you like. And while everybody is hanging out waiting for grandma to finish cooking dinner, they get to asking dumb questions. I mean all kinds of things like: "Did you lose weight?” “Oh you look little more hefty, you been eating good?” Then comes the one that you’ve really, really been dreading.... "How come you ain't got no boyfriend" or "You still don’t have a special girl?" “Why ain't you married yet?” “Where my grandbabies?” Those are some of the most disrespectful questions that you'll get over this holiday season, mostly because your relatives have failed to MIND THEIR BUSINESS! They don’t know that there are therapeutic benefits (you can read about them here!) Being single over the holidays can be really rough because of various things, specifically having family members ask about why you don't have somebody special in your life. It can feel like it's a personal failure on your part because you didn’t do what your family has expected you to do and get knocked up or at least start your journey by dating someone. I mean let’s be honest, aren’t all these questions founded on the fact that your family want some little ones running around? And while I can respect that they want something so special, you still have a whole life to live that should not be revolving around whether you're going to disappoint your family for the holidays. At the end of the day, your being single has nothing to do with your self worth. It's just a part of where you are in life. So, if you’re not in the mood to share your life or feel like you need to explain yourself here is your guide on how to deal with your family asking dumb ass questions, especially about your singledom over the holidays. (Yes, I said singledom!) Now there have been many solutions out there, one of my favorites has been seeing people put up those ads for fake boyfriends and girlfriends. You know the one, I’m talking about - where they offer to be your girlfriend/boyfriend for a couple hours in exchange for some of grandma’s collard greens and sweet potato pie! And that is certainly one way to go, I have to give it to them, it is innovative. But ya’ll should know by now I'm all about telling the truth wherever and whenever possible. So, you can tell your relatives that your therapist (which is me today) said to mind they business and that you can't be with nobody right now. BOOM! Another way to deal, other than having a fake partner or having a fake therapist is to tell your family that you're not allowed to be with nobody. If you have a religious bunch why don't you go ahead and tell them that you are married to the Lord. Tell them that the Lord said He will provide when the time is right, your earthly husband or earthly wife or earthly person. What they gonna say? Isn't it blasphemous if they try to say something like "well the Lord need to hurry up?" Though, I have been known to say that line a time or two myself, but I ain’t got no couth. And as you tell them, be sure to ask them kindly to pass you the ham at the same time! In all seriousness, if you feel like you have the type of family that will carry on about what accomplishments you don't have, comparing you, or otherwise making you feel less-than about your life like including not having a partner at the holidays, you need not spend your time with them. This is part of self care, spending time in ways that benefit you, not in ways that harm you. You can go to a friends house for Thanksgiving and enjoy the pie over there, or even make yourself a lil somethin’ somethin’ at home. You can try redirecting the...

Therapy without politics sounds a lot like polite conversation, as my friend Dr. Lexx would say. You don’t go to therapy to just feel good for a moment, you go to therapy to heal from a lifetime of hurts with skills to continue on with.

We are talking about Wish dating--where you have a wish list of romantic wants and you try to make someone fit that

How does the idea of walking on eggshells, feeling paranoid, and taking forever to make a decision sound like to you? Exactly, sounds like anxiety!! To be successful, creative, innovative or anything more than average, you need to make room for error.

Between my clients, friends, and followers I’ve realized that there are a lot of folk out there who don’t know much about masturbation or are still carrying the terrorizing lies they heard from way back when. But hey, it’s okay to admit you don’t know a whole lot about it or that you have some questions. What better time to answer them than National Masturbation Month?!

Relationships are hard enough without a pandemic, yet here we are in the midst of COVID. Some of you are sheltering in place with your partner and some of you are sheltering in place without your partner(s). While you may feel one scenario is better than the other, I'm here to tell you neither one of them are all that rosy.

I hear the same thing with my single clients. They are using up all those vacation days because they’re frustrated about various things going on in their lives. They’re tired of being alone in the house, they’re having problems with some of their friends so their first thought is, "You know what? I just have wanderlust. I just need to go on a vacation."

In this episode a couple of things were mentioned including a podcast episode where I speak more about orgasms and some resources, too! Here they are: 1. Kings of the Heart Episode 1: The Orgasm Gap 2. Dr. O’s Sex Therapy Toolbox 3. Get on my schedule!

I really wanted to talk about something that I feel is a pandemic that needs to stop. It's something that bothers me, hurts me, and makes me wonder what kind of work I and other sex therapist out here in these streets doing if this is occuring. I'm talking about...hold your breath, faking orgasms.

Oftentimes, whether or not we want to have it this way or even if we think it's silly, we get a lot of our ideas from TV. We form our thoughts about our ideal relationship from the various places that we see relationships happen, including the media.

I emanation buying some Valentine’s Day goodies from Askgoody.com/shop. Why did I choose them out of ALL the spaces available to buy great toys? I chose them because they are Black Owned and Goody is a whole sex educator! So yeah, this Black History month (and all year) I am supporting Black owned businesses.

Last week while I was in the therapy office I said something out my mouth that didn't make no daggone sense when I said it but made perfect freaking sense as I explained it. I told someone to act like their clitoris. To channel their clitoris and to live that life. I know y'all are probably reading this with a side eye but it was actually in the context of what Black folk, especially Black women do all the time, work to produce.

Have you ever been going through something mentally or emotionally and felt like you should be able to get over it in a couple of days? You told yourself that healing shouldn’t take long, so you’re confused when you’re still upset weeks later.

I mean you are making monetary goals and every other goal you can think of, telling yourself you are going to start working towards them come Jan 1 because you feel hope and a sense of urgency, but then you feel overwhelmed and done. You started with desire, hope, and happiness, and now you're feeling discouraged, overwhelmed, and overworked. So, let's talk about how you stay on track with your 2020 goals.

I am constantly reminding my people that they are enough! I remind them that there is nothing they can do to prove their worth and they shouldn’t feel like they need to. When you start trying to prove your value and worth you’ll find yourself doing instead of being.

When working with Black and Brown clients I like to use Biggie and Tupac as a part of my communication explanation. I often ask “did you have a Tupac conversation or a Biggie conversation?” Now I'm talking about either one of their lyrical genius, and I'm not talking about their body of music. I'm talking about how people FOREVER, even to this day, swear that Tupac is not dead. But nobody questions that for Biggie.

Some of what was mentioned in the podcast: Get your copy of Cocoa Butter & Hair Grease: A Self Love Journey Through Hair and Skin Check out the Diversity IN Parenting Conference, which will be back next September 2020

For those of you who don't know the CROWN Act is also known as Creating a Respectful and Open Workplace for Natural Hair Act. What I love about this act is that local government is actually taking steps to make sure there is inclusion, pride, and choice in the workplace. They’re making sure (well, trying) Black folk can remain Black folk even in places of business.

All my melanin sisters are walking around with a new glow and confidence because they received external validation through a song, and I can’t help but wonder why Beyonce needed to say Brown skin girls are beautiful and worthy for them to believe it!