Is My Child A Monster? A Parenting Therapy Podcast

This is the 100th Episode of the podcast. And for 100 episodes it has been the goal to help parents understand their children so as to create a validating environment as well as a foundation of connection for your child’s wellbeing. In this episode, Leslie and Dale focus on how to make attending to the relationship with your child a high priority especially when there are escalating emotions. What’s the goal of your interactions with your child? Today’s episode explores the three goals of interpersonal situations from Dialectic Behavior Therapy as well as the six levels of validation. Time Stamps 3:38 What are the three goals of interpersonal situations 9:56 Escalating emotions is an indication that you may need to change your priority of the three goals 10:10 When the relationship is the number one priority in order to create the foundation of connection for your child’s wellbeing 11:53 Why is validation so important and what does it mean 16:20 Discussion of invalidation - Dale’s personal experience 18:25 Mysophonia is a diagnosis that validates the sensory overwhelm that some children/people feel 21:20 The respect you give your child will in turn often lead your child to respect you. 22:58 Beware of double down on getting your objective met when misbehavior shows up. 23:50 Change course means changing your priority from the objective to the relationship 24:34 The Six Levels of Validation 25:20 Level one: Paying attention 26:41 Level two: Reflect back 27:54 Level three: Reading minds 30:42 Level four: Understanding 32:16 Level five: Acknowledge the valid 33:32 Level six: Show equality 35:10 Choosing the level of validation that works is up to the individual and the situation 36:56 Examples of Functional Validation 38:30 Use the phrase: “What I just said might have felt invalidating to you” when someone gets upset with something you might have said 39:10 Match your intention with the impact Leslie-ism: I want to say to parents: it's our job to take the first step forward. Resources: Dialectic Behavior Therapy - Interpersonal Effectiveness Handout on Validation including the Six Levels of Validation Dialectic Behavior Therapy - Clarifying Priorities in Interpersonal Situations Worksheet For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences. Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by

Picture this, you have three children, it’s summer vacation and all the routines have changed and now your extended family is coming for a visit. Sounds great and getting irritable and frustrated is also really understandable. In today’s third and final session with Karen, who is a mother of three children, she is asking herself the question: Shouldn’t this be easier? The discussion also focuses on understanding the "people pleaser" the sensitive child, and some of the myths that we believe about ourselves and others. Karen and her husband are bothered by her son's passion for watching animals fighting which is something we unpack through dialectic thinking and curiosity. Time Stamps 3:22 Understanding factors contributing to a parent’s irritability and frustration and what to do about it 5:00 How to respond to stress and anxiety? 6:49 Take a look at your “core beliefs” which can be myths or mistaken beliefs. 8:15 Parents have an opportunity to break a generational cycle of judgment or shame 10:46 Do you believe everything you think? 11:16 Shame and Blame often go hand in hand. 13:28 Guilt vs Shame distinction 15:10 People pleaser don’t want other people to get upset (another core belief) 20:05 A thought substitution is a way of changing your perspective 22:25 “Finding another interpretation” game 26:36 Coping skills can “calm you down” and distract you 27:00 The difference between distress tolerance skills and emotion regulation skills 28:05 When the environment doesn’t fully understand a sensitive person it can feel invalidating - 30:52 Discussion about her son who watches animal fighting videos and what that means 38:20 Discussion of vulnerabilities and prompting events 39:20 A DBT Assumption: People are doing the best they can with the skills they have in the present moment AND people need to do better 40:45 Finding balance between acceptance and asking what can I/you do differently next time? 43:28 Compassion and gratitude are essential for parents. Leslie-ism: You and your kids are doing the best you can with the skills you have at the present moment. Resources: Kristin Neff’s video: The Three Components of Self-Compassion Tara Brach’s Resources and Meditations on Gratitude For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences. Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by

Parenting is a work in progress and the idea that you get to learn as you go is essential. In today’s episode Karen, who is eager to learn returns for her second session as we unpack the complexities of parent-child relationships of her three children. Karen is seeking advice on how to raise resilient children, how to set limits when it feels like your daughter’s best friend talks back to adults and when your kids fight in the grocery store. Understanding who your child is and understanding the situation you are dealing with can change your perspective and guide your parenting skills. Time Stamps 3:10 Helping get kids off technology can range from connecting to your child to changing your expectations. 4:18 The change in the parents behavior can have a direct impact on what the child does 5:25 Changing your perspective from what the child is doing to you vs what’s happening to the child 7:39 Change takes time - manage your expectations 9:08The difference between authoritative vs authoritarian - Learning to be comfortable with your authority as a parent 12:20 Human interaction is complex - assess the contributing factors including your child's vulnerabilities, expectations and beliefs 14:35 Missed opportunities - its like missing a train - there will be another one 16:19 Be “REAL” with your kids 17:33 Name the elephant in the room - verbalize what’s going on 18:35 Put your foot on the brake - Stop trying to teach/rationalize and put your foot on the validation gas pedal 19:20 Expand your thinking - be more flexible - get rid of stereotypes 20:10 Stop after the validation - don’t talk so much 22:20 Parenting is often counterintuitive 24:24 Practice taking a non-judgmental stance 25:29 DON'T change the limit - Validate and help them express themselves more accurately - with plenty of examples 28:25 FACE the challenge instead of avoiding the challenge 31:37 How to raise resilient kids and teach them to cope with life's struggles 36:40 Reinforcement - acknowledge what they experienced rather than praise 37:28 Coping skills are designed to keep the problem from getting worse (or from escalating) and learning to tolerate the discomfort Resources: ACCEPTS SkillIMPROVE Skill Self-Soothe SkillLeslie-ism: The road to happiness is knowing how to handle the life’s struggles For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecoh`podcasts/ . Yo u can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences. Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by

In today’s session you will meet Karen who has three kids, 10 year old Kate, 8 year old Vivian, and 5 year old Owen and asks Leslie the question of how to get her kids off technology. . Answering that question, means assessing what’s going on and then tailoring the strategies to each individual child. This session also focuses on helping parents feel comfortable with their own authority while maintaining mutual respect with your child.and how not to personalize your child’s big emotions. Time Stamps 4:10 The unstructured nature of summer and its challenges 5:00 The dialectic perspective of the strong-willed children 8:15 Reasons how you diminish your authority as a parent 12:45 Create individual strategies for dealing with technology for your individual kids 14:35 Don’t give into the “fairness game” 16:35 Family meeting where everyone has a chance to be heard 17:25 Teaching children to manage “Technology Time” 18:25 Fair is not the same as equal 18:45 The definition of a “bad” parent -When parents personalize their child’s anger 21:19 Change your perspective and your interpretations 24:47 Parents can unintentionally reinforce a child’s emotional reactivity 25:55 Cope Ahead Skill - Help a child learn what they can do differently next time instead of shaming them 28:35 How to establish personal power and agency for your children that is effective 30:21 Working on developing mutual respect 33:18 Observe and describe your child’s behavior nonjudgmentally 34:33 Explaining fairness, equanimity and sameness with a metaphor 38:05 Create structure in the day to help children manage technology time 41:44 Understanding what it means to be comfortable with authority Leslie-ism: Say what you mean and mean what you say Resources: Horton Hatches An Egg by Dr Seuss read aloud on video For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences. Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

To quote Max Stossel “social media is drastically impacting young people’s mental health, focus, social skills, productivity and self-worth". On today’s episode, Leslie has a conversation with technology expert, Max Stossel, who was a media strategist before becoming an educator on this topic. He speaks about the reality of phones and compassionately, how parents do indeed have to deal with this reality because it's not going away. Max increases our understanding of how social media is designed to keep kids (and us) on the phones. He offers practical solutions to work on and hopes to create a common language between parents and their kids. Time Stamps 3:45 Max explains his mission to “help children survive and thrive in the modern world” 5:00 Help kids to have a mindful moment of really checking in about how their technology makes them feel 8:40 How understanding slot machines and their variable reward system explains how and why we use the phone (Intermitten reinforcement which keeps a behavior going 11:37 Changing the question to your child from “do you like this? TO how does it make you feel?” 13:00 We can help children develop an awareness of what they are feeling during and after being on technology 14:45 Discussing the overwhelm that parents feel with the pressures of tech use 15:30 Discussion of why and how to delay giving your child a phone for as long as possible and problem solving 19:16 Max’s list a few of his recommendations (see show notes for a more extensive list) 24:15 Two role play situations. 25:17 Trying to get your teen off their phone. 34:20 When your tween asks you to get them a phone 28:40 Review of the strategies of the first role play 38::00 Review of the strategies of the second role play 42:20 Technology gets in the way of self discovery 45:30 Experiment with substitute experiences instead of scrolling Leslie-ism: Replace the question of “do you like this TO how does it make you feel” Resources: Max Stossel’s Organization Social Awakening Website with technology resources Here is a list of best practices recommended by Max Stossel Here is list of best practices recommended by Max Stossel Max Stossel’s Website as a Poet and Performer The Center For Human Technology with a link to the movie The Social Dilemma Wait Until 8th Movement - resources and information For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram,

Parents have to deal with the daily activities of getting their kids dressed, fed and out the door. Sometimes there are great strategies and skills to help in those situations. And sometimes those are just what Leslie calls “messy situations” that come with raising kids. This is the third and final session with Kevin & Scott who have two boys - 7 year old Gavin and 4 year old Arthur. This episode is chock full of strategies and the discussion focuses on mindfulness skills as well as interpersonal skills. And stay tuned to the end of the episode where Scott gives us an update on how these sessions have helped both parents. Time Stamps 2:22 Mindfulness practice helped their child be more focused and it helped the parents stay calmer and less frustrated 6:58 Definition and examples of one-minded 9:15 When kids don’t like making mistakes? How to use Cope Ahead Skill 10:35 Helping the parents feel more competent 12:30 How can you lower the expectations and still help your child reach their full potential 15:18 Role play scenario to demonstrate what to do when things are tense or escalating 18:40 Look for some collaboration and Identify the dialectic dilemma between your goal vs your child’s goal, your needs and your child’s needs 20:50 Definition of a synthesis 21:30 Use two hands to help your child visualize the two parts of dilemma 26:50 Messy moments are intrinsic to raising children 27:28 What to do during the big meltdowns 33:30 Stay connected and set your limit 34:05 Be a broken record - Let your child know that you are there 34:55 Learning takes place between the meltdowns - Model and teach skills 35:50 An example of being irreverent - getting their attention by being genuine. This is NOT sarcasm 37:35 Parents need to support each other Leslie-ism: Next time you or child feel anxious, try counting your steps Resources: Dialectic Images for Finding a Synthesis to a Dialectic DilemmaIs My Child A Monster? Dealing with Overwhelm with Special Guest Dr. Kiki Fehling Cope Ahead DBT Skill HandoutFor a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences. Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by

Homework is a time of frustration in many families. And there are so many root causes that contribute to the defiance that often comes with homework. In today’s episode, which is the second session with Kevin and Scott, Leslie discusses and assesses what’s going on and what to do with those homework issues. Kevin and Scott are parents to 7 year old Gavin and 4 year old Arthur - two neurodivergent boys, who are trying incredibly hard to be the best parents they can be. Leslie points out that perhaps everyone can try different, not harder. Time Stamps 3:40 Varying your skills is often very effective - mix it up a little 4:13 The opposite of self-compassion is self-deprecating and self-judgements 6:00 Using your skills intentionally makes the skill for effective 6:50 Family value of doing things together as a family Children avoid parts of their homework that’s hard for them. 9:40 Review of the should’s from the homework for Kevin and Scott 10:39 How to believe your own compassionate statement 11:35 Looking at yourself before you became a parent 14:24 Should-ing yourself or your child often turns into shaming 15:20 The pressure of parenting 16:38 Validate your thoughts but don’t attach to those thoughts 17:40 We don’t have to try harder, we have to try different 18:40 The many uses of mindfulness 23:03 What to do when your child refuses to do school work 26:08 Many kids don’t want to talk about a past situation that didn’t go well 27:00 Homework is an opportunity to “see” who your child is and to help them understand themselves 28:15 Assess why is your child struggling with homework 31:30 Transitions may be challenging for kids with ADHD 32:40 Being seen and understood creates connection between parent and child 34:03 Helping your child when they make a mistake and get upset 37:44 Going to school for the neurodivergent child is extra exhausting. Some accommodations may be needed to create an environment that is supportive 39:20 New ideas and strategies may be refreshing in a the family dynamic 40:42 Keys to parenting when homework is problematic 42:30 Defiance is not the measure of being a bad parent. Remember defiance is helping you understand your child Leslie-ism: Don’t try harder, try different! For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences. Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and

As parents we can probably relate to Kevin and Scott who describe family life as chaotic. They are parents of two neurodivergent boys, 7 year old Gavin and 4 year old Arthur. Its clear in this episode that these parents have done their homework and tried to help their boys and their family life but the frustration and uncertainly are ever present. Leslie works with Kevin and Scott to assess and understand the other important ingredients essential for effective parenting. This episode focuses on feelings and concepts such as compassion, insecurity, shame and grief. And together they that look at what happens when rewards stop working. Time Stamps 3:10 Where do parents begin when trying to make sense household chaos 5:05 When parenting with strategies designed for the neurotypical child doesn’t work as well with the neurodivergent child 5:59 Grieving the child you thought you would have 8:08 An example of making compassionate statements to each other and to themselves 11:20 Island of compassion in the sea of chaos Description of the morning "chaos" 14:15 Teasing can be “playful connection’ as well as the hurtful 17:10 Rewards - how to make them work and why they stop working 24:08 Problem Solving Skill from DBT - focus on the brainstorming step 26:14 Raising your child to understand who he is, the impact of how he shows up in the world, and the areas that he might need to work on. 26:30 Strategies to help someone with ADHD: 28:20 Dialectic dilemma: The tension between when do you need to accept the moment as it is and when do you need to change it day 29:15 Dialectic Dilemma: Is this the parent’s problem or is this the child’s problem. Whose problem is it? 29:55 Two acceptance strategies: compassion and taking a breath Leslie-ism: Take a moment to celebrate the effort you're putting in and the small successes along the way. Resources: A book about Behavior management strategies: Don’t Shoot the Dog by Karen Pryon For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences. Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

Parenting is an overwhelming job with endless meals, cleanups, and activities. But on top of that, there’s the general overwhelm we're all feeling in our current world, and there are skills you can learn to help manage that daily overwhelm. In this episode Leslie speaks with special guest, Dr. Kiki Fehling. Dr. Kiki Fehling, a licensed psychologist, DBT expert, author and speaker, discusses the transformative impact of DBT on her life and the lives of her clients. Together Leslie and Kiki focus on specific DBT skills that can directly help parents who feel overwhelmed, including Mindfulness, TIPP, and Opposite Action Skills which can help both you and your children. Time Stamps 3:05 Why Kiki is committed to getting DBT resources out to the public 5:13 Distinguishing between DBT Therapy and DBT Skills 7:15 How do we talk to parents about the overwhelm 11:10 Jon Kabat Zinn’s Quote: “if our lives depended on our awareness of our breathing we’d all be dead 12:48 Mindfulness is the foundation of DBT 13:00 TIPP Skills to help us regulate our nervous system PTIP19:46 Opposite Action Skill 24:50 Dealing with Overwhelm 25:25 Start with yourself: Model it and that teaches your child to cope 27:06 Kids are growing up with Mindfulness as an everyday word 28:55 “ Living Therapeutically” is Leslie’s term for a way of living without therapy that continues to help you learn and grow (a newsletter will be coming soon on this) Leslie-ism: Practice Naming Your Emotions Resources: Dr. Kiki Fehling’s Website Self-Directed DBT Skills: 3 Month DBT WorkbookDBT Cards for Coping SkillsKiki Fehlings Tik Tok @dbtkikKiki Fehling InstagramTIPP Skills from DBT Therapy Handout Tip your Temperature VideoIntense Exercise VideoOpposit Action Skills Video from DBT Therapy Jon Kabat Zinn’s Website For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences. Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and

Here’s the scenario: Your 8 year old child just got a formal diagnosis of ADHD in addition to the dyslexia diagnosis. Your 12 year old son is also neurodivergent whose behaviors include humming, interrupting and fidgeting. How does a family learn to get along with all of these differences which create tension in both the children and the parents. In this third and final session with Krystal and Burt, Leslie works directly with the parenting differences…Krystal expresses her concerns about Margot's future, while Burt remains optimistic. The skills focus on mindfulness, validation and communication in order to “get along”, and learn to live together. Time Stamps 3:35 The benefits of giving a child with ADHD the “job” of time management 5:00 Medication Trial for ADHD - pros and cons 8:59 The worrisome questions of someone with ADHD 15:10 When avoiding problems, you might be making your problem worse 15:45 Asking for what you need when you know you want to be heard. 17:25 Learning to speak each other’s language 18:55 Making sure your child understands their diagnosis 19:45 When someone is not understood and seen for who they are, they may misbehave- example of being left handed and being singled out. 20:22 If you figure out your different and different equals bad, then you call yourself “bad” 21:30 Explaining brains when you're trying to explain a diagnosis to a child 25:48 When parents have opposite perspectives. and 27:39 When you validate someone’s worries - the worries may actually decrease 30:41 Role Play example of validation when someone uses BUT instead of AND 32:50 When the environment (school, home) may or may not support the neurodivergent person 34:36 Description of neurodivergent differences in the family including ADHD and Autism 38:00 Description of Stimming Behaviors 40:10 Family meetings can create a positive circular loop in which understanding leads to connection, and connection leads to greater understanding. 43:25 Description of misophonia and mindfulness skills to treat it Leslie-ism: To reduce conflict start with communication and end up with connection Resources: Neurodivergentinsights.comExplaining Brainswebsite For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences. Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music<

Kids fighting in the car is a common occurrence and is often a headache for most parents. This is a mini-bonus episode where Leslie and her producer Alletta Cooper discuss a number of strategies to help kids sit with discomfort, learn to deal with boredom and maybe along the way have some time to daydream - a way to exercise a valuable part of the brain. Screens and phones are not on the Do-Not-Use list but rather are understood for ways in which they too can be helpful. Time Stamps 2:15 The arrangement strategy - rearranging the kids 3:12 Acknowledge that screens are not good or bad 4:10 What’s missing when your kids are on screens 6:49 Kids in the car are a captive audience and often use that time to talk 7:42 Pulling Over Strategy - a non-threatening strategy 10:25 Kids can learn that they have a lot of power when it comes to the fighting with sibling 11:35 The Ticket System Strategy - this system teaches children its safe to make mistakes 13:50 Consequences not punishment - non judgmentally 14:40 Payback System Strategy - based on the concept of community service 16:30 Books on tape, family reading - again as a captive audience 17:25 Plan Ahead Strategy 17:45 Mindfulness Skills of Observation - paying attention to what is around (DBT skills) 18:28 Check in with yourself and ask “am I capable of tolerating this now?” Leslie-ism: Give your children the gift of daydreaming time Resources: Is My Child A Monster? Episode 14 Skills Focus on Apologies with Special Guest Dale Rubury - Leslie Discusses the Payback Concept For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences. Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

When kids get their own phone there’s a big adjustment for everyone. And it doesn’t always go smoothly. This is my second session with Krystal and Burt where we find out how they are doing and if they did their homework to find small ways to connect. This session focuses on 12 year old Mat who gets in trouble with his phone and what parents can do when that happens. We also focus on 8 year old Margo who advocates for her own needs which is in sharp contrast to Mat’s people pleasing tendencies. The skills in this episode focus on communication, connection, consequences that are meant to be effective, seeing the positive intention and learning to surf the urge. Time Stamps 4:35 Never underestimate how a small change can have a large impact - small check-ins makes a difference to the relationship 5:10 Kids possibly pick up on the marital tension 6:16 When a people pleaser tunes in to their parents’ well being 8:00 We often feel emotional when we feel like we have been seen and understood 8:30 The spiral of disconnection - resentment, frustration,etc 10:10 Getting a phone, losing the phone and the consequences 12:25 How to make a consequence work effectively: time matters 14:00 Use the phone and misbehavior as a learning experience 19:30 Pros and cons DBT skill has 4 boxes instead of two (see resources below) 21:00 Discussion of being a “people pleaser” 22:25 Its ok for kids to make safe mistakes at home 24:10 Use “Surfing the Urge” Mindfulness Skill to deal with impulses 27:30 Giving a child a sense of control through “giving her personal power” 29:35 Talk about family meetings 30:30 See the positive intention when a child has challenging behavior - Validate the valid 32:40 How to communicate with a child who says what feels like “rude” comments The two kids can learn from each other - one is very considerate of others and the other has a strong sense of self and focus on herself Leslie-ism: When you think there's a teachable moment, pause and see what you can all learn in that moment. Resources: Cell Phone Contract Handout on Pros and Cons Skill from Dialectic Behavior Therapy Video explaining how to Use Pros and Cons Skill from DBT Leslie’s Blog on People Pleasing - coming soon Handout on the DBT Skill “Surfing the Urge“ by Therapist Aid Handout on Positive intention - coming soon For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and

There is so much going on in a family between raising the kids, making a living to provide for the family and managing a household. In today’s session, we meet Krystal and Burt, a family based in the UK who have 2 children, 12 year old Mat, and 8 year old Margo. They recently moved to a rural farm with animals that they also raise. Making time for the kids, making time for the relationship and running their lives is what Burt called “volume overload”. And it is through that lens of “volume overload” that we unpack the sibling rivalry between the kids. Time Stamps 7:33 Assessment to help understand what’s going on with Sibling rivalry 12:48 The stress of being a neurodivergent parent - ADHD and Dyslexia 19:20 Things can be easier when one parent is in charge compared to when both parents are present 20:17 Tension between parents: 24:10 Parenting styles are a compilation of who you are and the experiences you had in your childhood 24:50 How to tolerate the differences 27:15 How do you as a parent like to be appreciated? (words, back rubs, hugs etc) 28:38 The tension of not being appreciated can be addressed with check ins 29:45 Step away from the problem in order to solve the problem - Relationships need nourishment 31:10 What small ways can you create emotional connection in busy lives 35:40 The children will learn that a relationship takes connection. Model those small ways of connecting to help nourish the relationship 38:45 Relationships are so hard. 40:40 The pain of the relationship can be in service of our healing 44:45 Parents can feel “volume overloaded” 45: 30 Practice some mindfulness exercises that help ground you 47:35 Balancing the dilemma/tension of getting through the present moment and at the same time planning goals for the future. 48:44 Metaphor of a tree with roots - root yourself and ground yourself in your daily life with mindfulness and connection and small little breaks 50:59 Turning the family structure upside down 52:20 Connection is so important and understanding the effects of disconnection Leslie-ism: Take a moment to root yourself in your daily life through connection. Resources: For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences. Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by

Sibling Rivalry is a great opportunity to practice conflict resolution. In this episode we talk about the steps to help you resolve conflicts with your kids. But these same steps (easy to explain and difficult to practice) can be used with all relationships that experience conflicts. Leslie explains the steps to conflict resolution and highlights the one step that is often forgotten and without it can sabotage any attempts to resolve the conflicts. Leslie and her daughter Dale discuss these steps and apply it to real life experiences Time Stamps 2:12 Definition of conflict 3:58 Four Steps of conflict resolution with the MISSING PIECE 4:26 Five Steps of Conflict Resolution Conflict resolution often fails when the empathy step is missing 5:18 Using a childhood example to demonstrate these steps 6:25 Step in to sibling rivalry only SOME of the time, not al of the time 7:26 Don’t attempt to figure out who started. It is not effective Start with “I notice there is a problem here” not “Who started this” 9:50 Getting Confirmation with a nod or saying yes is important to make sure someone feels heard and understood 10:12 Validation, active listening, reflective listening is absolutely necessary 10:45 Use non-verbal, physical support when the other person is talking 12:20 Empathy and validation is not condoning the behavior or agreeing with the other person's perspective 14:00 Have the child use “I Statement” so you avoid blaming language 14:45 Generating solutions - engage the children - 18:10 Moving from Emotion mind to wise mind as you move through the steps. If emotions are too high, wait until another time to do the conflict resolution process 20:15 When generating ideas make sure each child is taking responsibility for their part and coming up with solutions that they can change 22:53 When is it most effective for parents to jump into conflict resolution? When the PARENT feels most capable of handling the conflict. 23:40 The infamous “Sink Story” 26:20 The Fair Fighting Fouls (see show notes for link) 27:26 The parents' job is to teach it and model it - Leslie-ism: Conflict resolution begins with empathy Resources: Fair Fighting Rules in a Pamphlet called Time Out: Resolving Family Conflicts Other conflict resolution resources for Kids at Peace Education Foundation For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences. Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by

There is so much fear in parenting, it just comes with the territory. Fear of kids fighting, fear of kids growing up too fast, fear of kids being influenced by peer pressure and engaging in behaviors that upset you. In this episode, Leslie works with Anna on noticing and naming her fears so that her fears don’t end up making things worse. Anna is homeschooling her three children, 8yr old girl, Sasha 5 yr old Kate and 2 yr old Daniel. And Anna updates us on the changes in the level and intensity of the sibling rivalry since her last session. 5:15 There is a difference between thinking about your childhood and understanding your childhood experiences from the perspective of the child 6:03 Our childhood experiences inform and impact our parenting 8:33 When you play games you follow the rules. You may also change the rules of your parenting strategies that you can share with your children 12:22 Remember to focus on yourself and regulate yourself - children care more about how their parent is doing. 12:55 Children are paying attention to the well-being of their parent 14:45 ⅓ of the time of sibling rivalry you make them a unit and set a limit on the fighting 22:05 To help with a conflict - 26:30 Pay attention to how you as a parent felt about your teenage years and its impact on raising your children through their teenage years 28:52 Be one step ahead of your child as they are approaching adolescence 31:50 Parents need to balance the dialectic dilemmas of 32:35 Pre-adolescents are practicing being individuals 35:15 Finding a solution between these dilemmas is called a dialectic synthesis 38:20 Adolescence is about a time of letting go and at the same time, our teenagers still need parents strong and present in their lives. 40:25 We need to acknowledge our fear, but we don't want it to be in front of us, blinding us and possibly taking us off course Leslie-ism: Notice and name your fear, so it doesn't run the show Resources: Parenting Dilemmas Handout in Dialectic Behavior Therapy by Leslie Cohen-Rubury For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences. Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

Sibling rivalry seems like your kid’s problem. But for most parents its not easy to tolerate all that bickering and figuring out when to step in can be confusing. In today’s session, you meet Anna, a mother of three children, 8, 5, 2 who learns that what she is doing is actually making the sibling rivalry worse. She and her husband emigrated from Ukraine in their twenties but brought with them their own experiences of growing up. Learning a bit about her history brings light to her current situation. And you may be surprised by the coaching that Leslie offers Anna to improve the sibling rivalry which includes some basic strategies based in behaviorism. Time Stamps 5:29 Context is important when understanding or assessing a problem such as sibling rivalry 8:20 Noticing that people’s recovery time vary from person to person 10:00 Parents often ask “what can I do to stop the fighting” 11:25 Sibling rivalry is natural and a way to learn social skills 11:48 Behaviorism - jumping in reinforces the fighting behavior which causes it to escalate 18:03 What happens when your best intentions makes things worse and doesn’t get you what you want 18:55 When Leslie sounds like terrible, horrible, no good parent 20:28 Can we give our kids a chance solve their own problems 21:08 We rob our children from so much learning when we jump in to fix it 21:58 How to help parents sit with their own discomfort or anxiety 23:15 Explaining an extinction burst 24:20 ⅓ ⅓ ⅓ rule for sibling rivalry 25:20 A family is a system of belonging - sibling rivalry can be about individuation 30:20 Reinforcing your child to feel special is different from praise. 34:07 Parents need to believe that they can love each of their children differently 35:02 The metaphor of the orchestra for treating their children differently 36:16 Balance the needs of your child, balance the independence and the dependence 36:55 Looking at the parents self care practices 38:36 Description of how empathy is a critical step of conflict resolution with a 43:10 Empathy and being understood by the other person can be transformative. 43:40 Escalating emotions, getting louder or getting defensive may reflect that someone feels invalidated. 44:23 CLIFF HANGER; Leslie doesn’t share the other steps of conflict resolution - only the step of empathy Resources: Leslie’s Handout on The Need to Feel a Sense of Belonging Leslie ‘s Handout on The Need to be significant Punishment by Rewards by Alfie Kohn Leslie-ism: Practice empathy in your own conflicts For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and YouTube

In today’s episode, Leslie speaks with special guest, Dr. Lorie Ritschel, a board-certified dialectic behavior therapist, and discusses the impact of chronic invalidation, trauma and shame in regards to both parents and children. Lorie emphasizes the importance of understanding and addressing shame in children, noting that parents often underestimate its punishing effects. She explains DBT-PE, a treatment that combines dialectical behavior therapy with prolonged exposure to treat trauma. Time Stamps 4:22 Defining Trauma - Criterion A and Traumatic Chronic Invalidation 9:00 and 11:26 Trauma Treatments - DBT-PE and CPT 14:00 Discussing the emotion of Shame 14:40 Parents are part of creating the internal dialogue of emotions within their child and they have the ability to impact their child’s understanding of emotions 16:20 Parents underestimate how punishing shame is to a child 17:05 Discussion on being how to be reinforcer of behaviors and punisher of behaviors by matching the intensity of your child’s behavior 18:05 Some kids go into a shame spiral and others don’t. DON”T make assumptions about your child 19:24 Examples of implicit and explicit learning 20:55 When shame is very visible in your child - 21:21 Watch out for the quiet child who internalize their emotions 22:14 Create a framework in your home to talk about emotions 22:50 High, Low, Buffalo Game - a great substitute for “how was your day at school” 25:25 The benefits of Observational learning 26:38 Discussion of Invalidation for the neurodivergent child 28::43 Other examples of ways parents can invalidate their child 31:00 Having a trusted adult to speak to is key for a child who feels invalidation from their differentness Leslie-ism: When expressing disappointment to your child, a light touch is enough. Resources: Lorie Ritschel’s Website: Triangle Area Psychology Clinic (TAP) E-Learning Courses through the TAP clinic How to use High Low Buffalo Conversation Starter Trauma resources DBT-Prolonged ExposureCognitive Processing Treatment For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences. Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by

Parents often go to therapy when the rewards and punishment no longer work because trying to get your child to do what you need them to do can be very challenging. And when the parent’s anxiety gets added to that mix, the result is frustrating and overwhelming for everyone. This is the final session with Nicky and AJ as they discuss getting their 11 year old daughter Lilly off to school each day and getting her to clean up after herself. Time Stamps 3:46 Ask yourself “did it feel more effective to do something different” and "did it feel better to you?” whether or not, we got the outcome that we wanted. 5:05 What its like to live with someone who does not complete a task, often someone with ADHD. 7:33 Bring mindfulness skills to the person who doesn’t complete a task 10:25 Make expectations explicit because everyone may have different expectations 11:58 Example of parent using rewards to change your child’s behavior 12:47 Discussion of rewards and punishments 15:15 Using rewards is a way to manage and control behavior, it may not actually teach her to develop behavior that she doesn’t want to do. 17:09 Assess the problem that you want to solve 17:50 Keep track of the behavior - collect data 20:17 Determine whose problem is it? Start by changing your behavior Engage your child into the solution of the problem 24:50 When you understand something about your child, be sure to verbalize it to her 26:38 Setting up contingency plan when there is a pattern of problematic behavior 30:32 A Parent’s anxiety usually makes your children’s anxiety worse 32:26 Fighting reality vs accepting reality when your child doesn’t do things the way you want them to. 33:47 Whose problem is it? Remember to work on your part of the problem 34:19 Practicing mindfulness skills for ADHD behaviors Leslie-ism: In moments of stress or anxiety ask yourself “whose problem is it? Resources: GIVE Skill Handout by DBT.tools Leslie's Handout on Whose Problem Is It? For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences. Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

Making requests, saying no, and having hard conversations is part of all relationships. And it's rather easy to see how common misunderstandings and conflict ensues in our interpersonal relationships. That's because we are not born with accurate and effective communications skills. This mini bonus episode is about learning and practicing the DBT skill called DEAR MAN. This is a conversation between Leslie and her producer, Alletta Cooper where they give an in-depth description of what the skill is and then how to put it into practice. Time Stamps 1:41 DEAR MAN GIVE FAST is the DBT acronym to help us communicate accurately and more effectively 4:51 DEARMAN skill described in detail 6:40 Using the skill helps you stay in wise mind 9:32 Role play not using the DEAR MAN skill 11:29 Role play using the DEAR MAN skill 14:38 Timing is an important factor when having difficult conversation 15:10 Using time limits on having conversation is often very effective 16:52 When to use DEAR MAN 19:00 Write it down and practice it over and over again Resources: Leslie’s Handout on DEAR MAN DBT Skill based on example in the bonus episode and worksheet for practice DEARMAN How to communicate Assertively - DBT-RU DBT Skill: The Most Effective Way to Make a Request by Sunrise Treatment Center For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences. Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

We take you “behind the scenes” of what happened before the session officially started. This episode with Nicky and AJ begins with a communication breakdown. We all struggle at times communicating with our kids, our partners or other family members. You will learn what happens when shame is in the drivers seat of your life and when shame runs in the family like with AJ and their 11 year old daughter, Lily. The episode also emphasizes the importance of vulnerability for personal growth and effective parenting. Leslie introduces the Dialectic Behavior Skill called DEAR MAN and puts it into practice.