Now I See: Eye Opening Stories from the Formerly Faithful

The title “Primitive Baptist” alone tells a story about the life today’s guest once lived. The ideals, beliefs about women and children, and inclination to lean on violence as a form of control are almost too backward to deserve the title. In this episode, Maddy Usry shares her experience in this denomination, but more specifically about how it looked within her childhood home. Together, we also discuss the impact of domestic violence on women in extreme religious situations and how Maddy made the bold choice to make a new life for herself. More from Maddy: Follow the “Raising Children Unfundamentalist” Facebook GroupListen to the “You Have Permission” PodcastRead “Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be”“What My Bones Know:A Memoir of Healing from Complex Trauma”Read “What Happened to You: Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing”Domestic Violence Hotline 800-799-7233 Links: Support the PodcastPurchase Some MerchVisit the Now I See WebsiteFollow Now I See on Instagram

There are a myriad of reasons that people leave their faith, and most of the time (at least on this show) it’s pretty traumatic. But not everyone leaves after heartbreak or abuse. Sometimes, it just makes sense to someone to walk away. Our guest for this episode, Sarah Henn Hayward, made just such a decision. Sarah is the author of Giving Up God: Resurrecting a Spirituality of Love and Wonder. Together, we discuss her decision to leave, how it has impacted her family relationships, how she navigates an interfaith marriage, and whether or not she would do it all again. More from Sarah: Order a Copy of Giving Up GodFollow Sarah on InstagramVisit Sarah’s WebsiteLinks Support the PodcastPurchase Some MerchVisit the Now I See WebsiteFollow Now I See on Instagram

Now I See is back for Season 2! Today, I'm talking with Julia Postema and Jeremiah Gibson. They are the co-hosts of the podcast Sexvangelicals: The Sex Education the Church Didn't Want You to Have. They are both Boston-based licensed psychotherapists and certified sex therapists who work with clients in Massachusetts. They currently live in Utrecht, The Netherlands. They specialize in helping couples with negative religious backgrounds discover sexuality that works for their partnership. Tune in for a thoughtful conversation about their experiences as former faithfuls turned sex therapists working with people who are discovering (or rediscovering) their sexuality after painful religious experiences. More About Julia + Jeremiah: Follow them on Instagram + ThreadsVisit their websiteFollow them on SubstackLinks Support the PodcastPurchase Some MerchVisit the Now I See WebsiteFollow Now I See on Instagram

It's not goodbye, just goodbye for now! Join me as I share exciting news, answer a few listener questions, and reflect on all the goodness this season has brought. See you again on March 31, 2024! Happy New Year! *Listen to the Now I See "Former Faithful Jams" Playlist* Links: Support the PodcastPurchase Some MerchVisit the Now I See WebsiteFollow Now I See on Instagram

Mega-churches have been a hot topic in the past several years. Reports of deception, greed, and abuse of every kind have been coming to light, and it’s easy to see why people are so enthralled. In this episode, we’re going behind the scenes of a megachurch with former worship leader, Sage Salazar, as they share their transformative journey from a starry-eyed believer to a liberated skeptic. Their experiences with a culture of extreme control, church "Hollywood" glam, and heartbreaking abuse are eye-opening. More from Sage: Listen to Worst Nightmare on SpotifyLinks Support the PodcastPurchase Some MerchVisit the Now I See WebsiteFollow Now I See on Instagram

Perfectionism and over-control, while not exclusive to those of us who left high-control religion, is something many of us who have left battle regularly. Today’s guest is particularly skilled at working with and through these issues. I’m talking with therapist Emilea Richardson, owner of Sparrow Soulwork. Together, we have a fun and thoughtful conversation about the impact that overcontrol can have on relationships and how she uses Radically Open DBT in her therapy practice to help her clients (and herself) heal. This episode is personal for me, and I have made the tough decision to leave in several mistakes and not spend extra time correcting them like I usually would. I hate and love this at the same time, but as Emilea says in our conversation, “mistakes happen, and this can be a model for how that’s ok.” Connect with Emilea Visit Emilea’s WebsiteFollow Emilea on InstagramLinks Support the PodcastPurchase Some MerchVisit the Now I See WebsiteFollow Now I See on Instagram

When you think of women’s stories in the Bible, what do you think of? Is it empowering,? Or do you think of shame and blame? For many of us, it was the latter, and today’s guest is working to change that. Ronna Detrick is a Spiritual Director and author of the Book Rewriting Eve: Rescuing Women’s Stories from the Bible and Claiming Them As Our Own. Together, we have a thoughtful conversation about her beautiful retelling of stories that have been often subjected to a negative patriarchal lens. More From Ronna Visit Ronna’s WebsiteOrder Rewriting EveSubscribe to Ronna’s WritingFollow Ronna on FacebookFollow Ronna on InstagramLinks Support the PodcastPurchase Some MerchVisit the Now I See WebsiteFollow Now I See on Instagram

Deciding to leave a life dedicated to Christian ministry isn’t a light decision. But, as many of my guests can attest, when you start to see the cracks in the foundation, it’s often harder to stay. For Chris Highland, those cracks were in the shape of the people to whom he was ministering and the vastness of the natural world. This episode is filled with our experiences of wonder, awe, and the call to something big enough for everyone. Resources from Chris Visit Chris’s WebsiteRead the Article Quoted in the IntroductionLinks Support the PodcastPurchase Some MerchVisit the Now I See WebsiteFollow Now I See on Instagram

Radical self acceptance is hard. It can be even harder when you’ve been raised under the umbrella of high-control religion that wants to suppress, hide, and “convert” your sexuality to conform to their ideals. In this episode, Seth Showalter shares his remarkable story of learning to love himself after years of hiding his sexuality and even attending a gay conversion rehab. Seth’s story is a powerful one you don’t want to miss. Resources from Seth Read Seth’s Book Finally Free: A Surrender to AuthenticityVisit Seth’s WebsiteFollow Seth on InstagramLinks Support the PodcastPurchase Some MerchVisit the Now I See WebsiteFollow Now I See on Instagram

It’s hard to find evidence in contemporary religious practices of women being protected and treated with honor and respect. More often, we see examples of women being made responsible for men’s actions. In today’s episode, Amanda Armstrong shares her personal experience of this in the Jehovah’s Witnesses congregation. It’s a story I didn’t expect, and one you don’t want to miss. Resources: Read Ronna Detrick’s Book Rewriting Eve: Rescuing Women’s Stories from the Bible and Reclaiming Them As Our OwnLinks Support the PodcastPurchase Some MerchVisit the Now I See WebsiteFollow Now I See on Instagram

Whether you’re familiar with BJU or not, it has had an impact on your life in some way, and probably not for the better. The ultra-conservative, fundamentalist institution is well-known for it’s strict practices, harsh standards, and unmistakable students. In this episode, I’m joined by Andrew Pledger, former BJU student and creator of the podcast, Surviving BJU: A Christian Cult. Together, we discuss his experiences there, what he’s learned since, and how he’s Speaking Up louder now than ever. Links: Listen to Surviving BJU: A Christian CultSupport Andrew on PatreonLinks Support the PodcastPurchase Some MerchVisit the Now I See WebsiteFollow Now I See on Instagram

For many who leave strict fundamentalist circles, dating and sexuality are challenging to navigate. Most fundamentalist churches teach turning off your innate sexuality as a human being and enforce excessively strict dress codes and dating policies. What damage can that do? And how does it feel looking back at some of these enforcements. In this episode, I’m talking with former fundamentalist and Bob Jones University graduate, Beth Kellerhals. Together, we have discuss the impact these teachings can have and how Beth is learning to move past them. Resources Shameless by Nadia Bolz-WeberPure by Linda Kay KleinBeth Kellerhals @ PechaKucha AshevilleAmber White @ PechaKucha AshevilleLinks Support the PodcastPurchase Some MerchVisit the Now I See WebsiteCheck Out the Now I See BookshopFollow Now I See on InstagramFollow Now I See on TikTok

Whether you grew up in or around Christianity or not, you’re likely familiar with the idea of God as “The Father.” It’s hard to miss. But for many of us, it’s an idea that’s difficult to connect with. In this episode, I’m talking with Chrissy Holm, host of the Stirred by Words podcast and author of the upcoming book Finding Sunlight: A Coming of Age Memoir About Love Within the Wreckage of Purity Culture. Together, we examine the impact of God as a silent father figure and the ways we’re unlearning the limited ways we were taught to see God. Resources from Chrissy Visit Chrissy’s WebsiteListen to Stirred by WordsLearn More About Finding SunlightFollow Chrissy on InstagramLinks Support the PodcastPurchase Some MerchVisit the Now I See WebsiteCheck Out the Now I See BookshopFollow Now I See on InstagramFollow Now I See on TikTok

Churches that behave like cults are typically quick to quote scriptures like “the heart is desperately wicked, you can’t trust it” or “you can’t lean on your own understanding.” As a consequence, those who grow up in these churches have a hard time learning to trust their intuition and who they know themselves to be deep down. In this episode, I’m talking with the woman responsible for Now I See’s intro music, Alanah Sabatini. Alanah is a beloved TikTok and Instagram creator who rewrites the hymns we all know and love with new lyrics that reflect the healing journey many of us former faithfuls are on. Together, we discuss the power and magic of learning to trust yourself, building community, and what she’s up to next. Resources from Alanah Join Alanah’s Community on DiscordFollow Alanah’s Music on SpotifyFollow Alanah’s Music on Apple MusicFollow Alanah on TikTokFollow Alanah on InstagramWatch Alanah on YouTubeSupport Alanah on PatreonLinks Support the PodcastPurchase Some MerchVisit the Now I See WebsiteCheck Out the Now I See BookshopFollow Now I See on InstagramFollow Now I See on TikTok

Being at odds with a family still deeply entrenched in the faith you’re questioning is often the most challenging part of deconstruction. More often than not, it disrupts the relationship and causes a rift that feels like a masterclass in boundary setting. In this episode, I’m talking with Sarah A. about her journey through deconstructing her deeply Catholic upbringing. Together, we discuss the ups and downs of being a former faithful child of people who desperately want you to have their faith. Resources Read How We Heal by Alex ElleRead Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C. GibsonLinks Support the PodcastPurchase Some MerchVisit the Now I See WebsiteCheck Out the Now I See BookshopFollow Now I See on InstagramFollow Now I See on TikTok

Not everyone who deconstructs their faith wants to leave it entirely. For so many, reconciling with the faith they love and are deeply connected to isn’t part of their journey. But are there really churches out there doing things differently than what so many of us are used to? And what could it look like for a church itself to deconstruct old patterns, deeply rooted history, and its own wrongdoings? In this episode, I’m talking with Rev. Dr. Marcia Mount Shoop, lead pastor at Grace Covenant Presbyterian Church in Asheville, NC. Together, we discuss GCPC’s unique approach to church community, including its dedication to dismantling white supremacy, examining power structures, and rethinking the way things have always been. Resources Read Rev. Dr. Shoop's Book Let the Bones Dance: Embodiment and the Body of ChristLearn More About Grace Covenant Presbyterian ChurchLinks Support the PodcastPurchase Some MerchVisit the Now I See WebsiteCheck Out the Now I See BookshopFollow Now I See on InstagramFollow Now I See on TikTok

The one time in scripture we see Jesus get violently angry, it’s in a church- a church selling goods for profit and treating it like a business. This story is so well known, it got a moment in Andrew Lloyd Weber’s Jesus Christ Superstar. And yet, we still see news story after news story, documentary after documentary, about churches abusing their power and putting profit before people. In this episode, I’m talking with my dear friend Brandon Lokey who spent decades committed to the Southern Baptist Convention. Together, we have an informative conversation about his experience with church as institution, what brought him to the choice to leave, and how he sees his faith and church now. Resources Read a Book that Impacted Brandon on His Journey: Searching for Sunday by Rachel Held EvansRead a Book About Women and Church: The Making of Biblical Womanhood: How the Subjugation of Women Became Gospel Truth by Beth Allison BarrRead a Book About Homosexuality In (or not in) Scripture: God and the Gay Christian: The Biblical Case in Support of Same-Sex Relationships by Matthew VinesLinks Support the PodcastPurchase Some MerchVisit the Now I See WebsiteCheck Out the Now I See BookshopFollow Now I See on InstagramFollow Now I See on TikTok

Therapy isn’t usually something you hear about in strict religious circles. Medication is often put down and things like depression, anxiety, and mental illness are attributed to a sin nature or a lackluster trust in God. Many folks who leave these religions have little knowledge of what therapy is and how it can help them understand what they’re going through. In this episode, I’m joined by Dr. Chacy Agnello, founder of Free Bird Psychological Services. Dr. Agnello shares her experience working with patients that come from extremist backgrounds. She also shares a wealth of knowledge and leaves us with advice on how to begin (or continue) the post-faithfulness journey. Resources Read Leaving the Fold by Dr. Marlene WinellRead The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der KolkRead Educated by Tara WestoverRead Unfollow by Megan Phelps-RoperGet on Dr. Agnello’s Waitlist (SC residents & women only)Links Support the PodcastPurchase Some MerchVisit the Now I See WebsiteCheck Out the Now I See BookshopFollow Now I See on InstagramFollow Now I See on TikTok

Working through the fear instilled in you by a fundamentalist institution is often a lifelong struggle for those who decide to leave. The fear and self-doubt runs deep, and learning to embrace yourself and the world takes time, practice, and a lot of unlearning. But it also makes for some pretty excellent jokes. In this episode, I’m joined by Celeste Hensley, former Bob Jones University Student, future nurse, and an undiscovered comedian. Together, we talk and laugh heartily about some of the strange, ever-changing rules we’ve encountered and unpack the way we learned to be afraid of the world, ourselves, and God. Links Support the PodcastPurchase Some MerchVisit the Now I See WebsiteCheck Out the Now I See BookshopFollow Now I See on InstagramFollow Now I See on TikTok

Being the child of a Southern Baptist minister in a tiny Appalachian town doesn’t come without pressure, especially when it’s the church the previous generations of your family built from the ground up. It’s even more complicated if you’re gay and you’ve been taught that it’s a disease you need to hide. In this episode, David Cornett shares his story of reckoning with this upbringing and his experiences with education as both a student and, now, a teacher. Together, we discuss the power and expansion that education can have in the post-faithfulness journey, the gratitude we have for our respective educations, and how classrooms are being (and have been) affected by the influence of religious extremism. Links Support the PodcastPurchase Some MerchVisit the Now I See WebsiteCheck Out the Now I See BookshopFollow Now I See on InstagramFollow Now I See on TikTok