Sweet Valley Hive

This week Sweet Valley is abuzz with the promise of a “Winter Carnival.” Unfortunately we get neither winter nor a carnival in this book. Instead, we have anxiety, anticipation, and a long lonely ride on a bus that is possibly driven by Santa. Luckily this gives us time for a diversion into the story of Robert’s experience on Jeopardy! Join us for “Bad Mood Holiday” (Sweet Valley High Super Edition #5, Winter Carnival)

Things are getting drastic in Sweet Valley this week—sick of being mistaken for her gorgeous sister, Jessica does the unthinkable: she dyes her hair black! Don’t worry, darling, she still looks amazing and is channeling European elegance to give the performance of a lifetime. Join us for a discussion of the semiotics of lifestyle, identical twin psychology, and so on, and so on, and so on! in “The identity and the hairdo” (Sweet Valley High #32, The New Jessica).

This week, we’ve got one of the hottest matchmaking duels of all time! What’s a matchmaking duel? No one knows. Even so, come for the introduction of one of the sexiest characters in modern literature (try to describe Jeffrey Froooonch without using the word “simmering,” we dare you), an exploration of philanthropy under late capitalism, and an anecdote about Robert being hot at a gay club in London, in “The Bullet of the Duel” (Sweet Valley High #31, Taking Sides).

Robert’s in a devil-may-care mood today, and thankfully in Sweet Valley, the stakes couldn’t be lower. Sorority sabotage vis-a-vis tennis shop schedule, garden-variety sadistic dance floor pranks, and a hot new GAY hits the scene (no homo!). Join us for a wide-ranging discussion touching on the importance of reverse psychology, how it would feel to be “just a bet,” and when it’s okay to compete with your friends in “Pascal’s Tennis Shop Schedule” (Sweet Valley High #30, Jealous Lies).

It’s (somehow?) suddenly summer in Sweet Valley, and no summer would be complete without hot days at the beach, cool nights spent with friends, and falling in love with a celebrity who is in a disguise that can, at best, be described as thin. Liz and Jess head to Malibu for the summer to help out with some kids, and they end up getting way more than they bargained for: a very wicked child, a daring rescue, a knife fight, a family reconciliation, a fever that threatens a young girl…the list goes on and on. Remember to reapply your sunscreen and join us for “He’s 21 and Could You Just Let Him In” (Super Edition #4, Malibu Summer).

“Bitter rivals”—better titled “Indifferent Acquaintances”—make for strange bedfellows this week when Liz’s childhood friend Amy returns to Sweet Valley, throwing a wrench in Liz and Enid’s well-documented best friendship. …IS the paraphrasable content of this book. The real story can be found in the unarticulated yet palpable sexual tension underlying the interactions between the most boring girls in Sweet Valley, culminating in a climax involving Liz showing up at a costume party in a SKI SUIT to send Enid a private message that she’s still her number 1 girl (no homo). Send help. And join us as we talk adolescent friendship dynamics, plagiarism, harems, and more, in “Manufactured Lesbian Rivalry for Elizabeth’s Sexual Titillation” (Sweet Valley High #29, Bitter Rivals)

Listener, have you ever felt like an ugly duckling who didn’t fit in? This week, we explore the deeply relatable story of Lynne Henry, who takes advantage of a strange loophole in a song contest to win the boy of her dreams and find her place in the sun. Join us as we find our voice this week in “A Little Shampoo Goes a Long Way” (Sweet Valley High #28, Alone in the Crowd).

Bon voyage! SVH goes transatlantic this week as our favorite twins swap homes with a glamorous and mysterious family in Cannes for Spring Break! But everything is not as it seems in this quaint, seaside town—will Liz and Jess be able to navigate the metaphorical (and at times, very literal) stormy waters ahead? Join us as we learn about ourselves and others through intercultural exchange and go on one of the greatest journeys of all—Robert’s struggle to pronounce “Cannes” in “Danger, Intrigue, Romance, Mistaken Identities…J’adore!” (Sweet Valley High Special Edition #3, Spring Break).

This week, our positively RIPPED quarterback Ken is hornystruck–oops, we mean lovestruck–with the glamorous and sophisticated Suzanne, and we watch him increasingly neglect his high-stakes English assignment in order to please her. As the deadline approaches, a plagiarism plot begins to percolate. Will Ken do the right thing? More importantly, will this uncultured rube ever learn the difference between Ingrid and Ingmar Bergman? We consider these questions and more on this week’s episode, “Hornystruck” (Sweet Valley High, #27 Lovestruck).

Picture it, the perfect crime: a beautiful teenager trapped in her mansion, used as a pawn in a deranged criminal’s corporate espionage, with only ONE WAY to escape: get up and walk out the door. Wait, actually, that’s an incredibly stupid crime that strains our credulity and makes Pardo ask, “when is it enough? Dayenu!” Join us as we bring this wobbly house of cards tumbling down in “And Sometimes We Must Blame Victims” (Sweet Valley High, #26 Hostage!).

And now for something completely different! This week, we revisit a previous text as Pardo shares a modest secondary interpretation of SVH #25, Nowhere to Run (originally discussed in “She Really is… Mostly… a Bitch!”). Unfortunately Robert has had neither their yogurt nor their noodles and is emotionally unavailable to receive the bucket of supporting evidence presented. In a ghostly allusion to the original text, we end with Robert making an unlikely about-face and kicking off a whirlwind apology tour that is sure to leave you wondering… Was it all a dream? Or did Pardo force them to do it? Join us for “Sometimes People Need New Assholes” (follow up for Sweet Valley High #25, Nowhere to Run) and decide for yourself!

This week’s episode has it all—armchair diagnoses of personality disorders, a deep-dive into 1980s architecture, parenting advice from a certified “parenting ally,” and…oh, yea, a discussion of the book, too. Emily Mayer is dealing with drama at home and rushes to the maternal bosom of Grandma Wakefield, who’s taking a break from her doctoral studies (let’s go, grandma!) to visit Sweet Valley. Can Emily possibly find safety and comfort at home? Well, if you know these books, you know it takes a near-death experience to reconcile discord—stay tuned to find out if anyone dies! Join us for all this and more in “She Really Is…Mostly…a Bitch!” (Sweet Valley High #25, Nowhere to Run).

This week’s episode has it all—armchair diagnoses of personality disorders, a deep-dive into 1980s architecture, parenting advice from a certified “parenting ally,” and…oh, yea, a discussion of the book, too. Emily Mayer is dealing with drama at home and rushes to the maternal bosom of Grandma Wakefield, who’s taking a break from her doctoral studies (let’s go, grandma!) to visit Sweet Valley. Can Emily possibly find safety and comfort at home? Well, if you know these books, you know it takes a near-death experience to reconcile discord—stay tuned to find out if anyone dies! Join us for all this and more in “She Really Is…Mostly…a Bitch!” (Sweet Valley High #25, Nowhere to Run).

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas—don’t you dare say “holiday”—in Sweet Valley, and this one’s a doozy. We’ve got a medical mystery, the shocking return of an iconique character (Robert was knocked “flat on their tuchus”), and a series of escalating pranks culminating in a booze-and-pills-fuelled car crash. Oops! Grab a peppermint mocha and join us for “A Christmas Miracle? or Munchausen by Proxy?” (Super Edition 2, Special Christmas).

Grief comes in waves and so does Deja Vu, because we’re feeling like we’ve read this book before. Join us as for a discussion of the challenges of life after love, theories of bereavement, and a brief tangent on whether Walt Disney was a Nazi on this week’s episode, “Famously Actively Grieving” (Sweet Valley High #24, Memories).

We hate to see him go, but we love to watch him leave. This week, we’re pouring one out for Turd--oops, we mean Todd--who’s off to Vermont to live his flannel lumbersexual fantasy. Without Todd, Elizabeth is forced to face hard questions about the future: is she as independent as she thought? Is she actually in love with the fabulously rich and handsome Nicholas Morrow? Is it possible to be impartial at a regatta? Plus, we get a window into the world of online dating in the 80s with Jessica’s new gig at the Perfect Match Computer Dating Agency.

Can one be too much in love? Can one have not enough lashes? This week the kids are struggling with the complexities of relationships, dealing with a tragically mismanaged talent show, and throwing the party to end all parties because–did we forget to mention?–The Wakefield parents are off to Mexico City, leaving the girls home alone to get into classic domestic appliance disaster high jinks!

What makes a perfect summer? If you’re anything like us, you’re picturing a bear attack, an out-of-control forest fire, a breakup with your boyfriend, mass manipulation at the hands of a girl trying to steal said boyfriend, and teachers oversharing about trauma ‘round the campfire. Join us as we puzzle through this truly chaotic Super Edition. Either buckle in or skip–and we highly recommend you don’t skip–for “Sumptuous Spanish-Style Banquets in Santa Barbara” (Sweet Valley High Super Edition #1, Perfect Summer).

This week, we continue to regress into angry teenagers as we follow Jessica’s COMPLETELY UNDERSTANDABLE journey as she contemplates running away from home to escape her RUDE parents. Join us as we explore the many complex paradoxes of this text, including: running away to connect, bonding over being ‘nobodies,’ and, perhaps most disturbingly, being “in a hurry to jog.” This week’s episode, “I’m a Sister First and a Shitty Reporter Second” (Sweet Valley High #21, Runaway), really allows us to channel our 16-year-old selves and say, “actually, he’s hot…and that means something to me.”

A plane crash, hysterical paralysis, and food poisoning–this book has it all! Jessica takes a cooking class and falls in love with the art of French pastry (and a tasty dish named Jean-Pierre), and her parents take no classes at all and fall in love with being TOTALLY RUDE AND UNFAIR! Join us as we dive deep into the complex psychology of conversion disorder, define (despite Robert’s protestations) the word ‘irony,’ and regress into frustrated teeneagers in this week’s episode, “La Belle Indifference” (Sweet Valley High #20, Crash Landing)