Friendship IRL: Real Talk About Friendship, Community, and What It Actually Takes

For years, Erin Snow was a trauma-informed legal advocate for domestic violence, sexual assault, and stalking survivors, so she understands well the cost of having nowhere safe to say what’s true. When she got divorced, she felt isolated and without a support system, even among people she thought were friends. She’d been so busy being everyone else’s “person” that she never let anyone be hers. So, she created the kind of space she was seeking. She founded the Unmuted Room, a judgement-free confidential listening space built on the premise that being heard is not a luxury but a necessity. In our conversation, Erin describes the slow, quiet realization that the friendships she’d been showing up for weren’t actually showing up for her – which I think is a common experience that’s going to make so many listeners feel seen. In this episode you’ll hear about: Resources & Links Listen to Episode 12 and learn about my theory about the Roots framework; Episode 85 about shifting people-pleasing friendship patterns; Episode 86 about embodying main character energy in your friendships; and Episode 90, aimed at helping men strengthen their social circles. Check out the Unmuted Room and try out a free 10-minute consultation with Erin. Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok! Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

Fitting social gatherings into busy lives often isn’t easy, but let me remind you of their value: One of the longest studies on human connection found that adults who went to social gatherings regularly reported reduced levels of depression and better life satisfaction. The good news? You don’t have to wait for life to ease up or to get invited to see your people; you can start creating recurring friend gatherings right now, which is what I’m talking about in today’s episode. Not only will these gatherings help you keep up with friends – whether they be in your inner circle or neighbors you want to know better – they might even become your secret weapon for meeting new people in a low pressure way. In this episode you’ll hear about: Resources & Links Listen to Episode 6 about the six roles of hosting; Episode 91 about taking charge of your guest experience; Episode 111 about hosting perfectly imperfect (and consequently more frequent) gatherings; and Episode 155 about hosting on any budget. Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok! Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

Have you ever felt like you have nobody to call, and wondered: how did I get here? Where are my people? Maybe you’d been focusing on your career and lost touch with your friends. Maybe a big life transition has made you feel the friendships you used to have were tied to a version of you that no longer exists. I’ve been there. I feel your pain, and I wish I could give you a big hug. But as somebody who’s been in this situation before, I can also tell you this: you might have more people in your circle than you think. In this episode, I want to unpack this feeling and recommend a variety of episodes that might help you find the inspiration to go out and change your social landscape. (Be sure to check out the links below!) In this episode you’ll hear about: Wheel of Connection Resources & Links Listen to Episode 27 about loneliness; Episode 69 about learned loneliness; Episode 132 about navigating great friendship shifts; Episodes 25 and Episode 153 about friendship break-ups; Episode 101 about chronic illness; Episode 18 and Episode 35 about grief; Episode 19 about starting from scratch; Episode 100 (do the exercise!) about the wheel of connection; Episode 72 about virtual connections; Episode 128 about pararsocial relationships; Episode 129 about online friends; Episode 78 about friendship self-talk; Episode 41 about the liking gap;

Like it or not, AI is becoming part of our world in countless capacities – including navigating friendships. Today’s guest is Connor Joyce, a senior user researcher on the Microsoft Copilot team who has been working in the AI space for five years. He has integrated AI into almost every aspect of his life, including friendships. To some of you, this might seem intense, and I get it. But I challenge you to stay curious and listen to the intentionality behind Connor’s use of AI, because what he’s doing isn’t that different from what many of us already do, just in a different format. Connor isn't using AI to replace his relationships. He's using it to show up better in them, to understand himself more deeply, and to make decisions aligned with his values – and when you strip away the AI part, that's just good relationship work. In this episode you’ll hear about: Resources & Links See Connor’s guide on how he uses ChatGTP and follow him on LinkedIn. Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok! Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

Ever feel both happy and also … a little jealous when a friend shares good news? I experienced this dichotomy the other night, when my friend shared a success. I found myself performing enthusiasm while dealing with conflicted emotions; I wanted that kind of success, too. Did this make me a bad friend for feeling something other than pure joy for her? In this episode I talk about jealousy in friendship: how it happens, for all things big and small; the different ways it might manifest; and how acknowledging it can shift your friendship culture in a deep way. I think the goal is not to have no feelings. It’s to let the feelings tell you something useful – and then bring that information back to your friendship. In this episode you’ll hear about: Resources & Links Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok! Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

While brainstorming episode ideas, I sometimes search Google Analytics to see what people are asking. Here’s what I found this week: How do I ask someone to hang out without making it weird? Turns out, millions of people are feeling anxious about asking someone to join them for coffee! (What do I say? What if they think I’m weird? What if they say no?) Today, we end that cycle. I’ll talk you through how to ask someone to hang out: what to say, how to handle rejection, why it feels hard. Embrace that awkward first encounter! That’s the kind of thing you laugh about later on, years into a friendship. In this episode you’ll hear about: Resources & Links Listen to Episode 145 about reframing rejection with Tanisha Moody, Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok! Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

She used to call herself the shy, awkward kid with one best friend. Now she calls community her superpower. Last year, Alison Kinsey decided to run an experiment: invite 10 interesting people to coffee in one year. The result? New friendships and a complete shift in how she sees herself. And you’d never guess it was a cross-country move to California that encouraged her to become an initiator. From afar, I’ve seen Alison start networking groups, go on blind double dates, host low-effort gatherings, and get deeply involved in her local community. Alison is also one half of the Podcasting for Creatives team (and host of the podcast, Real Time Creator), who I have been working with since this podcast was just an idea. If you have been telling yourself “I’m too introverted” or “I’m just bad at this” — that story is not permanent. If you keep showing up, you'll look back and realize you're not the same person anymore. In this episode you’ll hear about: Real Time Creator Resources & Links Find Alison on Instagram, LinkedIn, and her podcast Real Time Creator, which documents her layoff from tech and creative sabbatical. Learn more about my podcast editing team, Podcasting for Creatives. Listen to Episode 12 about the Roots framework; Episode 14 about friend groups; Episode 44 about how making friends can help you with the big life choices; Episode 48 about using the internet to find connections; Episode 83 about making friends in different life stages; and Episode 134 about fringe friends. Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok! Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

This is the second installment in a two-part series about group chat anxiety. If having a massive group chat text chain stresses you out, then I’m going to let you in on a secret: it’s because you CARE about your friendships. But with these chains, we’re also sometimes pouring this caring into the wrong place. In this episode, I talk about auditing these group chats and determining what’s working and what’s draining. How can we use them, not as a primary source of connection, but as a tool to move toward connection that feels fulfilling? With a little effort, hopefully this extra thought will mean we’re texting a little less with the intention of connecting a little more. In this episode you’ll hear about: Resources & Links Listen to Episode 161 about managing friendship overload and relationship burnout. Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok! Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

Have you ever picked up your phone and discovered a hundred unread text messages? Likely you’re at the tail end of a group chat, and it kind of feels like walking into a party two hours late. You want to respond but wonder: will people be annoyed at you for backtracking? Maybe you even feel resentful for being added to this chat without consent. Group chats can sometimes feel like you’re operating with one arm behind your back – but if you suffer group chat anxiety, I think it’s important to remember that it’s because you really care about your friendships. This episode is the first segment of a two-part series on anxiety surrounding group chats: today, we’re talking about why group chats can be tricky to navigate, and in the next, what you can actually do about it. In this episode you’ll hear about: Resources & Links Listen to Episode 12 and learn about my theory about the Roots framework; Episode 100 about the Wheel of Connection; Episode 127 about using data to manage your friendship mental load; Episode 131 about the spectrum of digital connection; and Episode 134 about fringe friends. Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok! Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

When Michelle Valiukenas lost her daughter Colette after being born at 24 weeks, the grief was devastating – and this grief had real effects on her friendships, both good and bad. In today’s episode, Michelle and I talk about the evolution of relationships through all of life’s ups and downs and the value of showing up imperfectly. Shortly after recording, my own friends lost their son in the NICU, and I felt uncertain how to go about sharing this episode; I decided to release it because my friend told me these kinds of stories provide her comfort and can be hard to find. If you're supporting someone through grief, or if you're in it yourself, I hope that this conversation gives you permission to have the hard conversations. In this episode you’ll hear about: Resources & Links Listen to Episode 12 and learn about my theory about the Roots Framework. Michelle and her husband founded the Colette Louise Tisdahl Foundation, which aims to improve outcomes of pregnancy, childbirth, prematurity and infancy, and help the grieving process. Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok! Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

One reason I do this work is I believe all humans deserve to feel safe – but for a lot of us, that’s not a reality right now. Across the country, from Minneapolis to Maine, people, including children, are being kidnapped from their homes under the guise of immigration crackdown. So today’s episode is about leveraging connection as a form of resistance to protect our neighbors. What can you offer, and how do you present yourself as a safe person? You might think the action ideas in this episode are too small. But resistance doesn’t always have to be on the front lines. You can be the neighbor somebody calls in an emergency. You can pay attention and let people who might do harm know you’re watching. It all adds up. In this episode you’ll hear about: Resources & Links Listen to Episode 120 where I dive into my political beliefs and Episode 126 about how friendship can be a vehicle for radical change. Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok! Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

Ever feel like, all of a sudden, you have TOO many friendships to juggle? I know – this sounds like the most privileged problem ever! But truly, it’s a common experience, and I think the reason some of us get burnt out is because we feel we need to show up for each person in the same way. My thoughts? Some friends are lifelines; others add color to your life. Both types matter. But you don’t have to show up the same way for everyone. Whether you’re feeling stretched thin by your growing network or just want to be more intentional about how you connect, this episode offers a practical approach to keeping all your many friendships meaningful AND sustainable. In this episode you’ll hear about: Resources & Links Listen to some of my episodes that challenge the “all-or-nothing” mindset about friendship, including Episode 13 and Episode 33. And be sure to listen to Episode 12 about the different kinds of friendship roots. Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok! Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

Have I made it sound like it’s easy to keep friendships strong and resilient? If so, let me set the record straight: making changes in friendships, even if they’re for the better, is HARD. A lot of the time, it involves uncomfortable conversations, confrontation, and hard feelings. It’s so tempting to push problems aside to keep relations “peaceful.” I think there’s an expectation to put in work for romantic and familial relationships, but how much work should we be doing for friendships? At what point is it not worth the effort? Here’s my hard truth: If you want friendships where you can grow, change, and share the real stuff, you’re probably going to have to rock the boat. It might be uncomfortable, but it won’t be uncomfortable forever. On the other side, I think you’ll find the work was worth it. In this episode you’ll hear about: Resources & Links Listen to Episode 99 about individualism in friendship with James Richardson; Episode 149 about why we should want our friends to have robust social lives; Episode 153 about friendship break-ups with Meenadchi; and Episode 159 about speed dating for friends. Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok! Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

Imagine you’re fresh out of college and just moved back to your hometown. Suddenly, making plans with your friends feels hard. Instead of meeting them in the apartment next door or in the dining hall, you’re texting back and forth, trying to get together – but much of the time, it doesn’t pan out, or it’s just not the same. This story is a reality for so many people, including today’s guest. Jason Edmonds is a Seattle resident who decided to make his own solution: Six Degrees, an event-based social experience that matches people through personality quizzes and groups them into activities, helping people in Seattle find their people. In this interview, we talk about vulnerability. We talk about Six Degrees. We talk about the stigma of getting help to find friends. Most of all, we talk about how common this whole experience is. Transitioning from college to adult friendships is hard, and many of us could use a little extra help. In this episode you’ll hear about: Resources & Links Follow Six Degrees on Instagram. Listen to Episode 21, which is about that shift in friendship during our mid- to late-20s; Episode 41, about the Liking Gap; Episode 123, about maintaining friendships without proximity; and Episode 145, about reframing rejection. Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok! Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

I sobbed in the car about the holidays this week – but not for reasons you might think. Here’s what made me emotional: I am so grateful and excited for the ways we are celebrating our holidays this year. It could not be further from the reasons I’ve car sobbed in years past. Some of you are already excited about the holidays, and I love that for you. But that is not everyone’s experience, and for years, it was not mine. There was a period in my 20s when my partner Michael literally called me the Grinch. Holidays are often reserved for families – so where does that leave those of us who don’t have strong familial ties or want something different? This episode is about how to create holiday traditions with your friends that feel GOOD, with practical advice on how to initiate these conversations and get the ball moving, with the hope that you too will dream up and work toward your own ideal celebrations, too. In this episode you’ll hear about: Reflection Question: What would your dream holiday look like? Formal, informal? Spent with family? Friends? Alone? What seeds could you plant now so that in the coming years you can make that dream a reality? Notable Quotes: “I have spent the past five years figuring this out. I was truly the Grinch. Michael actually used to call me the Grinch. I didn't even realize how much I despised the holidays in my low- to mid-20s, and Michael comes from a family that loves the holidays, so I'm sure I stood out like a sore thumb because of my holiday feelings. I want to talk about this journey of going from someone who dreaded holidays to creating celebrations like this year that I am actually so excited about I am crying in my car in gratitude.” (3:14) “If you are sitting here listening to this podcast, feeling like the holidays that are coming up aren't quite what you want them to be, I want you to know that you're not alone. I hope you already know that, but you are definitely not alone. And more importantly, I want you to know that it's okay to start dreaming up something different, and that once you have that dream, sometimes all it takes is a few brave conversations to start creating the holiday experience that you've already wanted.” (29:11) Resources & Links Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok! Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

If you’re somebody who dreads going to a party, then this episode is for you. Sometimes the couch feels more appealing than going out into the world and socializing, and I get it. Attending a gathering takes energy. Sometimes it feels awkward. But gatherings can also make us feel inspired and supported and invigorated. Today I offer an approach that will help you take charge of your guest experience with three simple questions. You can ask yourself these questions before you leave, while you’re driving, or even on your way inside. It’s that easy. My hope is that this episode helps more gatherings feel like time well-spent – and that, consequently, you’ll want to say yes to more invitations in the future, too. In this episode you’ll hear about: Reflection Question: Are you a person who dreads gatherings? What is it about them that you fear? What tools from this episode will you take with you for your next gathering? Notable Quotes: “The best gatherings – I think, if we look back on them, there's something about that gathering that caused an internal state change, an emotional shift, or some sort of momentum in our lives. We're all out here spending so much time in our own heads – which is great, by the way. I'm not saying don't spend time in your thoughts meditating and being present with yourself. I'm just saying, for a lot of us, that's how we spend the majority of our time, and sometimes, it is nice to be with other people who might inspire you, or offer a fresh perspective or a boost of information or a new way to see the world – an opportunity to feel invigorated or nourished or supported.” “We can't just keep walking into these gatherings pretending like we have no real power here. We do and we can create meaning for ourselves. So how do you do that? Well, I have a very simple strategy. All I do is ask myself three questions before I walk in the door. You could do this while you are driving there. You could sit in your car for a moment before you go inside. You could do this honestly, even between the time it takes you to park your car and walk in the door. It really is that easy.” Resources & Links Read The Art of Gathering by Priya Parker. It’s amazing! Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok! Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

Raise your hand if you’ve ever walked away from an interaction and thought, gosh, I was so awkward! They’ll never want to talk to me again. If this is you, you’re not alone, and honestly, it probably wasn’t as bad as you think; we’re often harder on ourselves than other people are on us. When it comes to connections, there’s a name for this underestimation of how much others actually enjoy interacting with us. The Liking Gap is a social phenomenon that I discuss in-depth in Episode 41, and today, I want to talk about it again – but this time, how to reduce that gap with five tips on feeling more confident and connected during everyday interactions, no fake positivity required. Whether you’re navigating friendships at work, struggling with small talk, or seeking genuine connection, this episode is packed with relatable stories, actionable advice, and plenty of encouragement. In this episode you’ll hear about: Resources & Links Listen to Episode 15 about staying curious in your interactions, Episode 41 about the Liking Gap, Episode 74 about small intimacies, and Episode 40 and Episode 144 about neurodivergent friendships. Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok! Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

Let's talk about the Martha Stewart trap so many of us have fallen into. You decide you’re going to get everyone together to see your new place. But then you start thinking you need to deep clean everything; you need more seating, more cutlery, and you need to cook a nice meal. Eventually you start wondering: when did hosting get so expensive? I’m here to tell you it doesn’t have to be. Today’s episode will reframe a few things for you, but the biggest one is about the difference between entertaining, which I’d say is your Martha Stewart dinner party, and hosting, which is casual and can be inexpensive (or even free). Don’t let Martha Stewart scare you off from hosting a gathering. Bringing people together for a gathering is about connection, not perfection, and you don’t need a pristine home or unlimited budget to do it. All you need is yourself and a little creativity. In this episode you’ll hear about: Resources & Links Listen to the Six Rules of Hosting audio guide. Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok! Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

I’ve never been a big drinker. In my early twenties, I remember having to stand up for myself to be included during drinking games, even though I was drinking water. But at a recent gathering we hosted, I realized there were actually MORE non-drinkers than drinkers present. Making non-alcoholic options (and non-alcoholic activities) a normal part of our get-togethers has certainly been an evolution, and I’m grateful for it. There are lots of reasons people don’t drink. Maybe it’s due to health reasons or childhood trauma regarding alcohol; maybe they’re in recovery, they have responsibilities, or they just don’t feel like it. Today’s episode is about starting conversations about friends’ boundaries regarding alcohol so hangouts can fit those preferences. If you want to drink less or if alcohol is a trigger for you, I hope you take this episode as encouragement to talk with friends about it. Personally, I’ve found gatherings that don’t revolve around alcohol to be not only more inclusive, but also more creative and fun. In this episode you’ll hear about: Resources & Links Listen to Episode 12 about emotional intimacy roots. Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok! Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

Ninety-four percent of people have experienced more than one friendship break-up. Let that sink in. Nearly EVERYONE listening has been through this heartbreak multiple times – and yet, we barely even talk about it as a society! This statistic comes from a survey conducted by today’s guest, Meenadchi, a somatic healing practitioner, communications expert, author of Decolonization Non-Violent Communication, and TEDx Talk presenter about her own friendship break-up. This is a conversation about the losses we don't have scripts for and why that makes the healing so much harder. We share deeply about our own experiences, we talk about Meenadchi’s research, and we dive into the grief of friendship break-ups. I hope this conversation gives you some of what I felt during this conversation – that you are not alone in this experience. The pain of friendship break-ups is real. Give yourself the space you need to grieve. In this episode you’ll hear about: Resources & Links Visit Meenadchi’s website, see her TEDx Talk, and follow her on Instagram. In this episode I mentioned All About Love by Bell Hooks. Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok! Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!