Scattered Curiosities

1986 (a 365-day time frame fraught with discharge of toxic material, skyjackings, and espionage) was dubbed the International Year of Peace by the United Nations. And why not? The U.K. and Netherlands officially ended the 335-Years War, Hands Across America was raising funds for hunger and homelessness, the late Martin Luther King Jr. was honored with a Federal Holiday, and Pee-Wee Herman bridged the gap between adult and child, encouraging all humankind to be themselves. The curiosities of MCMLXXXVI also include the pirating antics of Captain Midnight, the theft of Picasso’s Weeping Woman, the scandalous Iran-Contra affair, and premiere of Perfect Strangers.

Since The Simpsons debuted over three decades ago, Albort’s Jeopardy game has been embiggened exponentially. But for the Simpsons, he would never have known about Walt Whitman’s Leaves of Grass, Howard Hughes’ Spruce Goose, or William Alton Carter’s Billy Beer; and that’s just scratching the surface. This episode celebrates the random factoids learned from the longest-running animated sitcom and highlights the real-life personalities some of its characters are partially modeled upon, such as Joe Quimby/Ted Kennedy, John Frink/Julius Kelp, Clancy Wiggum/Edward G. Robinson and many more. Woo-hoo!

How many movies have you seen that feature a wardrobe montage, a protagonist tearing out an IV to hastily leave the hospital, post-coital bed-sheets that magically only cover the woman’s chest, or characters uttering stale lines like, “We’ve got company”, “No time to explain”, or “He’s behind me, isn’t he?” All are examples of clichés but they aren’t just confined to films and television. Join Albort as he dissects some of the common clichés used in everyday language from the ‘bee’s knees’ to ‘cat’s pajamas’ to ‘the early bird catching the worm’. You’ll also get familiar with Pipe Dreams, Pink Elephants, Drug Store Cowboys and meet the "most fecund maker of American slang." Gadzooks!

It's been fifty years since Atari’s revolutionary game, Pong, ushered in a Renaissance for video arcades in America and gave rise to the animatronic house bands of Chuck E. Cheese and Showbiz Pizza. Albort experienced it in real time and invites you to join him for a stroll down memory lane with detours at the 1982 World’s Fair, Blockbuster Video and the hilarious antics that take place within “Shadowrama” all while avoiding the Noid. As a bonus you’ll get familiar with the “pleasure principle”, time shifting, parallel visual processing, the innermost thoughts of Pac-Man’s enemies, negative option billing and the “Netflix Effect”.

This is the final episode of our four-part Better Half mini-series containing six lectures apropos to the First Ladies from the Cold War up to the present time. What is known of the First Ladies of the United States we have covered up to this point comes down to us via the press, memoirs, what can be divined from letters, paintings, anecdotes, and personal artifacts. Following World War Two, fashion became ever more critical as visual media embedded itself into politics. We begin with a material girl who hated the dry-cleaning in WASHington DC so much, she shipped it to KC to be done properly, one whose favorite press time answer was "No Comment", a multi-linguist beauty reportedly "full of the devil", a billboard-busting, millionaire First Lady that word-skirmished with Catwoman, "a good piece of literature on a shelf of cheap paperbacks" circuiting a leper colony, a fashion model dancing instructor credited with a life-saving blip, a promiscuous FLOTUS who shook hands with a serial killer, a "Glamourous paragon of chic" going to war with drugs attired in "misappropriated" crimson finery, a FLOTUS to have three Air Force bombers named after her and a private cabin on the Love Boat, the first to be a lawyer/Senator/Secretary of State/Presidential Candidate/Grammy Winner, the only First Lady with a master's degree in Library Science, the first African American First Lady, the nation's second foreign-born FLOTUS single-handedly takes on cyberbullying, and a Quaker City sports junkie controversially uses her rightfully earned title.

This third installment of our four-part Better Half mini-series departs from the regular format as it is not focused solely on the First Lady of the United States of America and only features one of them. Today's narrative was built around the 1933 evening when Amelia Earhart and Eleanor Roosevelt ducked out of a party at the White House to take a spontaneous flight to Baltimore. The two would forever be associated with aviation, Amelia for obvious reasons and Eleanor for traveling over 40,000 miles throughout her serving terms. Despite their thirteen-year age difference, the two had much more in common than air travel. Both taught, authored books, endorsed products for sponsors, fought for civil rights and refused to take their husbands' last names (a technicality for Eleanor). Put your seat tray up and buckle in for Amelia and Eleanor's Excellent Adventure.

This is the second apportionment of our four-part Better Half mini-series containing four lectures regarding the First Ladies of the United States within the Reconstruction Era, the Gilded Age, through total global interwar, the Mad Decade, and up to the brink of the Dirty Thirties. The sixty-eight-year span features a shy First Lady entreating the Queen of Hawaii, a cross-eyed, anti-suffragist equestrian (with a strict dress code) battling polygamy, and a tee-totaling, guitar-playing FLOTUS hosting weekly gospel sings with a band of cabinet members. The White House Lawn Easter Egg Roll becomes tradition, the billiard room converted to a greenhouse, Christmas Trees, apparitions, and Einstein make their debut appearance there, and the term "First Lady" finally appears in the press. A long list of First Ladies volunteer for the newly formed American Red Cross, the premier Presidential Library is established, a serving First Daughter has a hit song with Columbia Records, a string of First Sisters denounce women's suffrage, the Statue of Liberty is dedicated, a future FLOTUS pulls a reverse Footloose on her fiancée, the United States has its first and only non-consecutive serving First Lady, another that secretly runs the government for seventeen months, and a public confrontation with the Commander in Chief's mistress. As a bonus, we will visit the Women's World Fair with a FLOTUS who taught the deaf, decipher private conversations of the only First Couple to speak Mandarin fluently, and indulge in Waffle Mania.

This is the inaugural episode of an introductory four-part mini-series regarding the First Ladies of the United States of America. The New Nation's inception thought nothing of what to call the President's wife as "First Lady" did not appear in print until thirty-six years after Martha Washington's death. Because women have been so thoroughly shafted in history, much of our familiarity of them come from personal correspondence, leaving us to know some better than others; compare the five existing notes of Mrs. Washington to the over 1,200 of "Mrs. President," Abigail Adams. Unfortunately, a number of those presidential partners chose to destroy letters to protect the legacy of the men under which they were operose. Get to know the First wives, daughters, and nieces from the birth of the Republic until the end of the Civil War. The White House will be built, burned, and renovated several times over by a diverse pool of American Queens, including a First Lady who dies there, one that never steps foot inside the home, and one that deputed "Hail to the Chief" as its theme song. Additionally, we will meet the mysterious "Rose of Long Island," explore a Presidential love affair worthy of Van Halen and dive into the ignominious Petticoat Affair where the "Mean Girls" of the Washington elite cause an uproar in the President's cabinet.

It has been eleven years since ABC’s smash drama LOST has been off the air, yet fans continue to debate and mythologize its doctrines via blogs and hundreds of podcasts devoted solely to dissecting the mysterious island series from multiple perspectives, delving deeper into the characters' connections to one another; this is not one of them. Instead, Albort wishes to introduce some historical figures the roles on LOST were named for: Locke, Bentham, Faraday, Rousseau, Hume, Minkowski, Shephard, Austin, Alpert, Cooper, Burke, Bakunin and much more. Get familiar with Tabula Rasa, the People’s Stick, the Noble Savage and what any of it has to do with Weezer. SCATTERED CURIOSITIES IS NOW AVAILABLE ON VURBL AT https://vurbl.com/station/AAUbrHYt955/

We had intended to cover the First Ladies a while ago, which ended up morphing into an episode about Eleanor Roosevelt and Amelia Earhart. The FLOTUS material got put aside for a separate series of 20-minute audio lectures that has been collecting dust for over a year. This is the culmination of parts one through five of those courses. Get to know the wives, daughters and nieces who have been behind every man to be President of the United States from the birth of the nation until the...

What happens when a paranormal consultant remembers an incarcerated Nelson Mandela dying in the 1980s instead of famously being released from his twenty-seven-year sentence in 1990, becoming the first Black President of South Africa and living an additional three decades? The rara avis known as False Memory Syndrome gets rebranded as The Mandela Effect. Though it just as easily could have been named for Lemuel Gulliver, Thomas Jefferson, or Thomas Jefferson Snodgrass, who have all had their biographies altered by nothing more than folktales and the power of suggestion. Join Albort as he reveals societal errors that have been pinned on the bible, cannibalism, Voltaire, Sherlock Holmes, le livre “Monkey Planet” and other victims of The Mandela Effect.

When did fashion dolls morph into America’s movable men? Why do unicorns and Pegasus get confused for one another? Who, among rock stars, would make the ugliest, but most talented, baby? What Golden Raspberry Award-winning actor and former BOP Boy are we infatuated with? How is it that Weebles wobble but do not fall down? And where does Albort dream of going with the King of Horror? The long-awaited responses are revealed in this tell-all rainy-day cocktail-conversation between Mr. & Mrs. Einstone from the early days of the COVID-19 pandemic.

Did President Franklin Delano Roosevelt have Amelia Earhart shot down over the Pacific during a “reconnaissance” mission in retaliation for her lesbian affairs with First Lady Eleanor Roosevelt? Probably not, but if you nit-picked your facts, you might be able to construct a plausible explanation to support that theory; we are not the first to suggest it, by the way. Today’s narrative was built around the 1933 evening when Amelia Earhart and Eleanor Roosevelt ducked out of a party at the White House to take a spontaneous flight to Baltimore. The two would forever be associated with aviation, Amelia (for obvious reasons) and Eleanor for travelling over 40,000 miles as First Lady of the United States. Despite their thirteen-year difference, the two had much more in common than air travel. Both taught, wrote books, endorsed products for sponsors, fought for civil rights and refused to take their husbands’ last names; a technicality for Eleanor who’d always been a Roosevelt but Amelia suggested her husband, George Putnam, should, perhaps, be called Mr. Earhart. Put your seat tray up and buckle-in for Amelia and Eleanor’s Excellent Adventure.

At long last, the conclusion to our series highlighting the men and women (finally) to hold the position of US Secretary of State has arrived. This installment brings us into and through the 20th Century, covering the annexation of Hawaii, the Spanish American War, the Treaty of Versailles, the concept of “Dollar Diplomacy”, the Marshall Plan, the Suez Canal Crisis, the Cuban Missile Crisis, Vietnam and the formations of the UN, NATO, VVFW, and OPEC. This pool of Secretaries includes lawyers, Ph.Ds, Generals, professors, CEOs, and Nobel Peace Prize recipients. Packed with treaty signings, party-swapping, and a whole lot of resignations, learn which Secretary of State was a thrice losing Democratic Presidential contender, which was president of the Boy Scouts of America and who among them was the son in-law of one Secretary of State and uncle to yet another Secretary of State? The time is upon us, Let’s Talk About Secs, again.

*WARNING: CONTENTS OF THIS EPISODE CONTAIN CHRISTMAS SPOILERS. NOT FOR CHILDREN* Join Albort as he explores the many incarnations of the most fantastical, generous, Coca-Cola loving character of the holiday season, Santa Claus; from Saint Nikolas of Myra to Sinterklaas of the Netherlands to Pere Noel of France to L. Frank Baum’s “Neclaus” and why the wife of the man in the “Ho-Ho-Tuxedo” doesn’t even have a first name! Learn how the Little Ice Age influenced the violins of Antonio Stradivari and the writing of Charles Dickens, which holiday song became the first to be broadcast from space, what Norwegian scientists suspect to be the cause of Rudolph’s shiny nose and how the “Father of the American Cartoon” changed American’s reception of Santa Claus, Abraham Lincoln, Ulysses S. Grant, Rutherford B. Hayes and Grover Cleveland.

It’s October and time for our most spooktacular episode yet. Get a lesson in the provenance of Halloween and the many names it goes by, from the Celtic festivities of Calan Gaef and Samhain to All Hallow’s Eve, Hallowmas, All Saint’s Day, Reformation Day, Founder’s Day and the Day of Seven Billion. Albort’s cauldron is brimming with vampires, witches, candy, aliens, splatstick, Jack O Lanterns, souling, full moons, black cats, Michael Landon and R.E.M.

Having already covered Presidents and Vice Presidents, we are now continuing the tradition of an annual show dedicated to the men and women who have run the United States since its inception with the elusive position of Secretary of State, a job held by a few would-be presidents: Thomas Jefferson, James Madison, James Monroe, John Quincy Adams, Martin Van Buren and James Buchanan. Some got the gig by nepotism, being a president’s military buddy, school chum or even being genuinely qualified for the job. Listen to the living textbook, Albort Einstone, as he examines Whigs becoming Republicans, extortions being paid to Barbary pirates and why obtaining Texas was such pain in the neck. Which Secretary argued Aaron Burr’s treason trial? Which argued Andrew Johnson’s impeachment trial? And who was in St. Petersburg when Napoleon invaded and then also in Paris for the “Little Emperor’s” infamous Hundred Days? Let’s Talk About Secs.

Orville Redenbacher, Mario Puzo and James Brown walk into a podcast…don’t you wish that was the set up to a fantastic joke? It’s not (sorry) but a connection between the three can be found in the year 1969; as well as Ho Chi Minh/Dwight D. Eisenhower, Judy Garland/Sharon Tate, Jack Kerouac/Joseph Kennedy, Sr. and Boris Karloff/Frank Loesser. Join Albort as he gets semi-centennially nostalgic for the Moon Landing, Munchos Potato Crisps, 12¢ stamps, Doom-Buggies, Scooby-Doo, the Dick Sargent/Dick York Bewitched switcheroo and George Lazenby’s singular portrayal of James Bond. It’s a Golden Jubilee.

Capital cities are the center of government to nations states and provinces but are not always the most prominent, popular, populous or permanent (New York City and Philadelphia are NOT capital cities…anymore). Pensacola and Saint Augustine are also former heads of state that ceded to Tallahassee when East Florida and West Florida unified. Join Albort for a brush-up lesson of US capitals and a potpourri of factoids to boot. How did Alabama become the “Yellowhammer State”? Which is the state of “Hogs and Hominy”? What capitol building showcases nineteen chandeliers from Tiffany’s of New York? And why were early Americans so passionate about naming places for Christopher Columbus?

It is time for this season’s language analyzing episode, featuring near miss accidents, poison versus venom, Judas Priest, Alzheimer’s Disease, The Pirates of Penzance, bald faced lies, Diphtheria, Contronyms, Malapropisms, Voiceless Labiodental Fricatives and Albort explaining the difference between amused/bemused, viable/feasible, ultimate/penultimate and how to pronounce Açaí. This is Unglish.