Amateur to Pro

In This Episode: Why my "sleeper blog" about tradeoffs struck a nerve The surprising truth: FOMO is a feature, not a bug Why needing to make choices is an "embarrassment of riches" The esoteric but powerful truth about free will and co-creation How to become a true "Master of Tradeoffs" Three Mindset Shifts for Mastering Tradeoffs: 1. Accept That You'll Always Wonder "What If" Whatever choice you make, you'll wonder about the alternate choice FOMO is natural - the problem is attaching to it Acknowledge doubt as normal, then let it pass 2. Recognize Tradeoffs as First World Problems Need for tradeoffs = having multiple things that matter to you Places to go, friends to be with, work that brings joy Lack of tradeoffs means lack of choices (either no options or overwhelming crisis) 3. See Choice-Making as Exercising Free Will What would life be like without choices? Less engaging and fascinating We're here to exercise our powerful free will Making choices = co-creating our lives by design and on purpose Key Takeaways: FOMO is normal - don't try to solve it, just let it pass Having to choose between good things is a privilege Tradeoffs aren't punishment - they're opportunities to co-create your life The problem isn't wondering, it's attaching to the wondering Challenge: Next time you face a tradeoff, remind yourself: this isn't a punishment, it's a privilege afforded to the few and fortunate. Resources: Original blog post: https://www.carolynmahboubi.com/blog/fomo-is-good-for-you

Years ago, one of the first principles I learned from my coach at the time, Steve Chandler, was to transform expectations into agreements. This practice alone has had the most profound impact on my life— shifting it from one of constant disappointments and simmering resentments to one of ease, peace, and lightness. Strong words, I know. But true, nonetheless. You see, most of us live in expectations most of the time. We expect our parents to talk and act differently. We expect our romantic partners to know exactly what makes us feel loved. We expect our bosses to show their appreciation in the way that feels right to us. We expect our co-workers to support us in what is obviously the “right” way. We expect our children to do as they’re told. We expect our friends to approve of our actions.

Since the beginning of history, humans have had an innate understanding that we can’t have it all at the same time. The art of skillful negotiation—with others and, most importantly, with ourselves—was born of this radical understanding and acceptance. The truth that life is a series of tradeoffs was largely undisputed until sometime in the middle of the last century. Perhaps it was the long-overdue movements for liberty and equality for minorities and women, or the opportunities that arose from living in a more technologically connected world. But somewhere along the way, those of us with a higher quality of life and a measure of abundance adopted the belief that we can have it all.

Even if a coach “specializes” or has a niche, each client within that demographic is still a completely different person. They might benefit from some of the same learnings as others with similar challenges, but they will always need a special tool created just for them. That special tool is often created from the Coach’s unique gifts and passions. Mine is “Mothering.”

Cultivating our Negative Capabilities expands our capacity to endure uncomfortable emotions, navigate the unexplainable behavior of others, and cope with uncertainty—without believing we must do something about it NOW! I’ve come to believe that mastering this life skill is as essential—and as transformative– as being action-oriented. Often, the most effective solution to a problem is no action at all.

I teach and coach through distinctions—not because I think life is binary or that things are either true or false (although I do believe some things are), but because the mind understands and learns concepts more easily when presented with clear contrasts. We must have a clear understanding of black and white before we can understand what creates the color gray. Our mind must grasp the difference between two concepts—concepts that can easily be confused—before it can form its own nuanced understanding of a new one. Use this formula to teach yourself, your children, and your teams, and you'll see how effective it is. But fine-tuning your ability to make clear distinctions requires one thing: scheduling dedicated time to think. Yes, time to think.

It’s not unusual for me to start a coaching session by asking, “What would make this conversation extraordinary for you?” Because coaching is all about going from good to great—ordinary to extraordinary. And yet, my greatest hope and wish for my clients, loved ones and myself is to be consistently blessed with the ordinary.

What are the one or two questions you are asked most often? It’s worth slowing down to consider, because it’s not just a reflection of others’ curiosity about you, the answer to these questions illuminates who you are—your priorities, and your deepest values. In my life, two questions come my way regularly: “What’s Life Coaching?” and “Why do you do Ultramarathon races?”

Let me start by sharing a truth about parenting I’ve come to believe in wholeheartedly: “You can’t get it right.” If humility is your destination, parenting is the most direct and effective path to get there. Just when you think you got it right with one child, another comes along—and you quickly realize you may know nothing at all! As a mother of two, I feel like it’s impossible to be a good parent to any more than that number of kids. But as a professional who thinks, writes, and works in the field of human potential, I can spot a false belief from a mile away—and this is definitely one of them.

“Why so hard on yourself?” I asked my not-yet-client, Linda. It was one of our first “discovery” conversations, where someone interested in being coached by me learns how I work. And crucially, I’m looking for the incredibly hidden—and for most, hard-to-read—signs that they are really, truly, ready—in fact, past ready—to make a change. I’ve been coaching women of all ages for the last decade, and the question I asked Linda speaks to a pattern I’ve observed in many of them, regardless of social status. That pattern is women judging themselves—and other women—and it’s so rampant, it feels like an epidemic. But it’s a silent one.

A dear reader and friend in my coaching community, John, asked, “Carolyn, how do you balance healthy self-interest with the need to be fully present for those you care about?” The question surfaced after I shared with him how privileged I felt to have my family visit for two weeks in Lake Tahoe—the paradise I call home. At the same time, I felt conflicted because while they were on vacation, I was still working, parenting, training, maintaining a home, and upholding all the other responsibilities of everyday life. I often felt like I was short-changing my family by not joining them for the kinds of activities we usually engage in when on holiday. Somehow, wherever I was, I felt I should be somewhere else.

Yesterday morning, a client of mine, Peter, sent me a lovely text stating the following: Peter: "You’re like the human AI!" Me: "Why?" Peter: "Because you’ve read every non-fiction book ever written and you have a book recommendation for every dilemma." Peter is exaggerating, but it’s true that I've always been a reader. In a way, I’ve been educating myself through books since I was in my teens. I was hard-pressed to crack open a textbook, but I devoured anything about human behavior, human potential, and the metaphysical. However, my insights and learnings—those that have led me to become a Professional Coach—have less to do with consuming information and a lot more to do with taking the time and putting in the effort to digest what I consume.

What is a piece of wisdom that you feel you have consumed and digested in your life and would now like to share with others? She continued, “Wisdom that has been an especially powerful force in your life and in who you are today…” Well, I have a few things to share, but first, it’s important to get aligned on the meaning of wisdom. Let’s pick up where we left off in “Wisdom I paid for. So you don’t have to–Part 1.” Here, I share with you wisdom snacks 8-14.

Recently, a friend, who is also a Professional Coach, asked me the following question: What is a piece of wisdom that you feel you have consumed and digested in your life and would now like to share with others? She continued, “Wisdom that has been an especially powerful force in your life and in who you are today…” Well, I have a few things to share, but first, it’s important to get aligned on the meaning of wisdom.

Personality is a myth. For many of us, it’s also a lifelong distraction from our purpose. We are trained from a young age to believe that this thing we call our personality is something solid, fixed, and foundational. While still growing into who we may one day become, we hear our parents make seemingly innocent comments like: “He’s just like his dad.” “He was stubborn from the first day of his life.” “It’s genetic.” “She’s got a temper. That’s just who she is.” Our parents don’t say these things consciously, and they don’t mean to harm us. However, when we hear these kinds of statements as children, we accept them as the truth. We begin to believe we have a personality we’re born with—and stuck with!

Lately, I’ve been reflecting on how certain emotions can feel like companions—uninvited ones that show up and stay longer than expected. As a Life and Leadership Coach, I help my clients build the awareness, courage, and skill to sit with their difficult emotions without buffering through the countless distractions available to us—overdrinking, overeating, overworking, porn, social media and every high-achieving person’s favorite go to; toxic productivity. We buffer because we are afraid that if we allow ourselves to feel difficult emotions fully, we’ll be swallowed by them and unable to return to the rhythms of daily life. Buffering—our attempt to keep undesirable emotions at bay—may seem like a good idea at first, but the cost is far too high!

This past weekend, I attended my nephew’s high school graduation. As I watched the ceremony, I was struck by how mature and composed so many of the graduating seniors appeared—they looked like fully formed adults, seemingly ready to take on the world. It took me back to my own high school graduation. I remember feeling just as grown-up, confident, capable, and eager for what was next. Only now, with the benefit of hindsight, can I see how unprepared I truly was for the complexities of adult life. I had plenty of information, but very little wisdom. So, a few decades later, I’ve taken some time to reflect on what I wish I’d known back then. Here are 14 pieces of advice I would have given my 18-year-old self. In truth, they apply to anyone on the edge of adulthood, not just graduating seniors.

The more time I spend outdoors, the deeper I fall in love with trees. Trees are the wisest teachers a human can have. Trees are everything I aspire to become. Trees are patient. Trees are generous. Trees don’t question their worthiness or mine. Trees grow underground networks to help other trees thrive. Trees tolerate human stupidity, like when we carve our initials into them, and still give us shade and cover. Trees bend toward the light. Trees have infinite wisdom stored inside their rings. Trees don’t judge other trees—at least not out loud. Trees are trustworthy and know how to keep confidence. Trees turn everything, even dead bodies, into something useful. Trees are always growing.

Is there something magical about Transformational Coaching? At first, it can feel that way. You start in a place that seems almost impossible to change—and somehow, you end up somewhere entirely different. Even when your external circumstances remain the same (your job, relationship, business, etc.), everything has changed. But those of us who’ve experienced this kind of magic—whether as coach, client, or, in my case, both—know that the kind of coaching that creates true, lasting change is anything but magic. Instead, it feels like going back to school and being introduced to a brand new curriculum. We’re no longer learning Math, History, and Science, but rather Self-awareness, Communication, Life Values (and so much more).

Your AI friend will tell you that we use the word radical when we are going to the root or origin of something and making significant changes. In the context of acceptance and responsibility, radical means always, not sometimes. It means doing it when it’s difficult, uncomfortable, and exactly what we don’t want to do. It means turning these two practices into life values and operating principles, not choices or options on the menu of life. I shared my insights and a practice on Radical Acceptance last week and promised to dive deeper into Radical Responsibility this week. Let’s pick up where we left off.