Darkseid's Couch

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée meant to text you back, but they got distracted by Batman no. 184! What strange event could possibly cause Batman and Robin to ignore every attempt Gotham City has made to contact them for nearly two weeks straight? It might have something to do with Gotham asking them "What even are we anyway?" the last time they hung out! And then, in a backup solo adventure, Robin suspects criminal activity and won't be convinced otherwise, no matter how much evidence is presented to him! That kind stubborn tenacity is why he's the George W. Bush of crimefighting!

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée get weird with it when they read Weird Tales of the Future no. 2! Do you often lie awake at night, worrying about what the future holds? Well fear no longer, because this glimpse of times to come should put all your concerns to rest! The world of the future will be a utopia: There'll be hunky dudes in crop top jean vests fighting aliens, hunky dudes in skintight spacesuits fighting aliens, even hunky dudes in short shorts fighting aliens! So relax! Humanity's future may still have resource scarcity, ecological ruin, and rampant corruption, but it'll look foxier than ever!

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée fight over the last churro while reading Metamorpho no. 4! When Metamorpho, the fugly superhero who can transmute his body into any element he wishes, has to compete with a chadly billionaire for the affections of his perfect dime of a girlfriend, their competitiveness will lead them into the middle of a Mexican anti-authoritarian rebellion! If Metamorpho's smart he'll just turn himself into THC and chill everyone out already.

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée dunk on Godzilla Vs. Barkley! It's the radical 90s, and even the King of the Monsters has hoop dreams! But standing in Godzilla's way is NBA superstar Charles Barkley, and he's brought his massive ego! Who's gonna win that sweet Nike endorsement? Well, it won't be Godzilla. That guy won't even wear clothes.

This time on the Couch: Call your stockbroker, because Mike, James, and Shée are bullish on The Badger issue 37! It used to be the mall was the only place a fella could go to get away from rampaging buffalo attacks. But when the Badger, the superhero with multiple unhinged personalities, brings his bison buddy in for a spa day, can even the well-trained army that is mall security contain the chaos? I mean, maybe: How many Paul Blarts have you got?

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée get bit by the love bug after reading the Question no. 26! Schlubby supervillain the Riddler has been released from prison on account of harshing their whole "bad boy" vibe with his endless dorkiness. But when he meets a busted stripper with a thing for receding hairlines, can the Riddler resist her murderous allures and go straight? Only the Question can answer that one, since he's stuck on the same Greyhound as those two lovebirds! And he is NOT happy about what they got up to in the bathroom!

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée wish for I Dream of Jeannie no. 1! It's a delightful romp through workplace unprofessionalism and the careless wielding of power when Tony the Astronaut and his infinitely-thirsty genie sabotage rocket launches and set off international incidents without consequence! Eh, who cares about all that; Just keep that belly button covered, you heathens!

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée lace up for Strange Sports Stories no. 5! It's a pair of twisted tales of sports gone awry, and not due to steroids or CTE! First, a hockey player is forced into the game of his life against a demonic goalie! But here's the cruel twist: Even if he wins, he's still in Canada! Then, a sheriff must abandon his skiing plans to catch some space varmints what made off with some of that there space jewelry! Okay, maybe there's a little CTE involved...

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée swear a loyalty oath to Nexus no. 1! Space vigilante Nexus spends his nights dreaming about atrocities and his days figuring out who he needs to laser-blast in the face to alleviate said dreams! It's a pointless, agonizing existence, but at least he's got perfect obliques and a crew of alien weirdos that worship him and/or those glorious side abs. But when Nexus is asked to take on a job as a hitman in exchange for ending his dreams, will our hero cross over to the dark side... and become someone's employee?! Don't give up the freedom of self-employment, my good man!

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée spank 2023 out the door with World's Finest no. 201! Superman and Green Lantern are at odds because they have very different ways of dealing with problems: Superman prefers to do things moronically, whereas GL likes to behave like an idiot. When the Guardians of Oa decide they've had enough of this nonsense, they challenge the two heroes (?) to a game in space to determine who gets to take care of our sexy planet! But to win, Superman will have to overcome his greatest fear: Getting spanked by his dad's giant ghost!

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée deck the halls with Batman no. 27! In this 250th episode spectacular, Batman helps a teenage millionaire discover the joy of the season through child abduction and unrestrained physical violence! Plus, Alfred the butler scoffs at the poors, the Penguin breaks into the literature game, and Robin uses his tiny hands to make an older man's volcano erupt! Tis the season... for pleasin'!

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée take to the skies for Kickers, Inc. no. 6! Superhuman NFL pro/toppler of Central American governments/robot hater/all-around manchild Jack "Mr. Magnificent" Magniconte is late for the big game! Hopefully this plane he's hopping on doesn't get hijacked by a psychologically-broken flight attendant... HEY GUESS WHAT HAPPENS! It's terror at 35,000 feet when the fate of a planeload of people rests in the hands of a middle-aged man who still thinks neckerchiefs are a good idea!

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée pledge allegiance to Suicide Squad no. 22! Likeable bootlicker Rick Flagg has run off to Washington to assassinate a senator who's trying to extort his beloved Suicide Squad, throwing off Squad maestro Amanda Waller's masterplan! The only sensible thing to do, of course, is to send a bunch of psychopaths after Flagg and hope they don't somehow make it worse like they always do every single time! Unless their goal is to assassinate common sense, this is probably gonna go sideways pretty quick.

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée unzip their lips to talk about Zip Comics no. 11! It's a bountiful fall harvest of supertypes in these eight Golden Age adventures! There's Steel Sterling, the man with the steel skin, battling a guy who's a little too into snakes (aka your burnout roommate)! There's Lil' Dicky, an unsupervised child exploring strange lands and just kinda stealing things he finds, because he has no parental guidance in his life! Plus, some cowboys, a magician, regional wrestling squads, and a bunch of other stuff you had posters of in your childhood bedroom!

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée plan to go to a Halloween party, but bail on it at the last minute and read The Haunt of Fear no. 26 instead! It's an eerie anthology of tales designed to chill the bones, raise the hair, and dissuade the marriage! Yeah, turns out a lot of creeps in the 50s were getting hitched for money and then murdering their spouses, or at least that's what the Old Witch would have us believe. Say what you will about that one-eyed crone, but she knows a thing or two about love. But before any of that, Darkseid's Couch was at the 2023 Chicago Marathon and it's time to debrief on all of the gross, triumphant, gross, humbling, disgusting, and most of all gross highlights!

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée get their paws on the Amazing Spider-Man no. 139! It's been almost a month since Peter Parker got his girlfriend Gwen Stacy killed, so naturally he's pretty much over it now, which means it's time to cut lose and fight some new goofy villains! Enter the Grizzly! He's big, he's dumb, he's dressed like a furry, and he's wrecking up the offices of the Daily Bugle! Why? Because throwing your weight around is cool as hell, duh. For real real, it's your last LAST chance to donate to James' Chicago Marathon fundraiser! All donations go to OAR, the Organization for Autism Research. You might even get some Darkseid's Couch-approved junk in the mail as a result! Oooooh, junk! https://support.researchautism.org/Chicago2023/rjopiekun

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée try to pull a rabbit out of a hat, but end up with Zatanna no. 1 instead! Backwards talking magician and fishnet enthusiast Zatanna has given up the superhero life in favor of becoming a high-powered California talent agent! But now she's seeing demons and monsters everywhere, and her simpering, redheaded boyfriend ain't making the scenery any less creepy! Can Zatanna get to the bottom of the her disturbing visions, or at least start hooking up with some higher-value dudes? It's your last chance to donate to James' Chicago Marathon fundraiser! All donations go to the Organization for Autism Research. Maybe you'll get something for your trouble, maybe you won't, but do you really wanna take that risk? https://support.researchautism.org/Chicago2023/rjopiekun

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée are in hot pursuit of the Brave & the Bold no. 4! Green Arrow, the Question, and whoever the Butcher is are all on the case when a Native American man is blamed for the death of an innocent land developer! Hey, if they didn't wanna sell their land why'd they keep the resale value up for so long? We've exceeded our fundraising goal for James' marathon! You'd think that'd be enough for us, but instead we're gonna be greedy and demand even more! All donations go to the Organization for Autism Research: https://support.researchautism.org/Chicago2023/rjopiekun

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée open a big wooden door to adventure with Adventure Comics no. 271! Learn how the budding friendship between Superboy and Lex Luthor came to an early end (As with all male friendships, it involves hair-related jealousy). Then, Congo Bill shoves his brain into a gorilla's body, because that should be fun. Finally, Aquaman and Aqualad confront their religious prejudices when they meet the biblical Noah and call him a schmuck. Time's running out to donate to James' marathon fundraiser! All proceeds go to the Organization for Autism Research: https://support.researchautism.org/Chicago2023/rjopiekun

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée sniff out a winner with the New Guardians no. 2! The newly-minted superteam are on a mission to usher in the next generation of humanity, but that's going to have to go on the backburner for a minute because Uncle Sam needs them to be CIA assassins instead! You see, cocaine-powered supervillain Snowflame is running a drug empire out of Columbia, and he's not giving America, like, any of that money! Not even a little! Can the Guardians put aside their blinding incompetence long enough to do this one single thing? Or, if they can't, can they at least get Snowflame to stop talking about Rush so much? Time's running out to donate to James' marathon fundraiser! All proceeds go to the Organization for Autism Research: https://support.researchautism.org/Chicago2023/rjopiekun