The Bake Off Shake Off

It's the semi-final, the end of Matt and Noel's episode introductions are in sight and this week's competition was marred by controversy. Strap in for some delicate patisserie that ends up literally all over the floor as well as all in our hearts.

It was once said that pastry is a cruel mistress, and it is so true. Our contestants battle to keep temperatures cool as our judges shoehorn baked goods we've never heard of into our repertoire.

An unexpected special guest turns up for Dessert Week semi-final, the famous grasshopper, coms to remind us all that summer is truly over for us viewers. Whole lemons, syringes are permitted and encouraged, dead-looking fish made of jelly. Sign me up.

It's 80's week, as if that's a real genre, and we have three categories which have absolutely nothing to do with that theme which we love. It's hot in the famous tent and the tolerance for Matt and Noel's comedy style is about as low as the air con. Take a shot for every mention of the word 'appalled'.

Uncomfortably folded pancake cakes, animals, and dreadful impressions of our wonderful contestants. You're welcome.